This 27 year old woman could not be forcibly married off or silenced or shamed.

I see this news as a positive story.

The young woman had a job. She valued her self reliance and was in a position to refuse to give up a job that her brother (and I am sure many others) did not consider ‘suitable’ for her.

And she was in a position to refuse to submit to a semi-forced marriage.

Man-attacks-sisters-hair

One Question: Do you think we need a law that bans Forced or Semi Forced Marriages? And another that makes seeking opportunities for Self Reliance a legal  right…  but since that is a fundamental right, maybe a law that  legally forbids preventing other adults from seeking lawful opportunities to make themselves self reliant.

Because, what use are the rights to Equality or Freedom without the power to fight for them? And that power can only come from Self Reliance.

What if this brother had not done something as obviously unacceptable as this? What if he had threatened her with some other more popular (and acceptable) means of controlling – like social boycott or shaming?

Her hair will grow back and now that the case is public, it will be seen as a warning by other ‘brothers’ who harboured similar ideas.

Link shared by Abhishek Oza

Man ‘attacks’ sister’s hair for refusing to marry his pal

 

BANGALORE: A 27-year-old woman who refused to marry the man chosen by her younger brother was in for a shock: her sibling punished her by forcibly daubing hair-removing cream on her head and leaving her with a partially bald pate.

Santosh was also upset with his sister for working in a bar. Jayanti, who was earlier working as a bartender in Mumbai, had moved to Bangalore a few months ago to take care of her family. She alleged that Santosh never stuck to one job and hardly took care of their parents.

How do some TOI and Navbharat Times commentators view this news?

We continue to excuse the use of silencing of victims to deceive those who might condemn or provide/find support.

Who does this Silence empower?

Comment: It is their business and public has no right to know that, unless the family relents.

Not just Domestic Violence by husbands, but all violence by family members is excused as a ‘Personal Matter’.

Comment: भाई बहन का निजी मामला है (it’s a personal matter between the brother and the sister) Link

And here – Is this even relevant?

Comment: लड़की भी कोई अच्छा काम नही कर रही थी (the girl was not doing exactly a nice job) Link

This is a possibility,

Comment:… इस लड़की के भई ने अपने उस दोस्त से कुछ पैसा लिया होगा तभी वो जबरदस्ती कर रहा था की वो शाद्दी कर ले … (Maybe he had accepted money from the friend that is why he was trying ot force her to marry him.) Link

Shame, honor, freedom and controls are all linked.

Comment: What a shame young girls working at bar for living and our businessmen, politicians and officers earning in lacs n crores. On the top such brothers with no responsibility and barberic nature’

What I found shameful is that the brother thought he could control where she worked and who she should marry.

Related Posts:

Letting an outsider see or comment upon our imperfections is washing dirty linen in public?

By lodging a complaint the girl would get undue publicity and that would adversely affect her marriage prospect.

Dad knifes girl for speaking to lover

How many women would dare to say this?

“Girls need to be little bit aware of the consequences. Men – will enjoy …”

Please watch Queen. Feels like our country is finally changing.

“10 years ago, the girl would have been counselled on how to change her dress sense for the boy, how to do as he says.”

So where did I see this happy Indian bride …and her delighted daughter?

“I am glad that my parents never thought of raising us as ‘future daughters-in-law’.”

31 thoughts on “This 27 year old woman could not be forcibly married off or silenced or shamed.

  1. The control and authority by virtue of just being a male! Outrageous.
    She should shave her head and hold her head and decision high!
    Who needs enemies when you have such family!

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  2. Though it’s depressing to see a man trying to take control of his sister’s professional and personal life and punishing her for not complying, I am also happy to see that she refused to give up. It’s positive news for sure. It’s little changes like these that will make a difference in the long term.

    But do we need additional laws to reinforce that it is not okay to try to strip someone of their fundamental rights? I don’t know. I know at least twenty women who will not be able to take their oppressors to court even if the law is on their side. Self reliance needs to come from within, like in the case of this courageous young woman.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Is this kind of thing really happening. I mean as a grown up adult she is doing her job and what stops her is this kind of assault by her own brother….I really would like to know the reaction of the parent as that will speak of the original triggers or the way the discrimination is nurtured from day one while raising a kid in some layers of society….the problem lies deep within and this one just a manifestation.

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  4. Controlling other’s life is the basis of our culture. Hirearchy is also fixed that who can control whose life.

    Even worse is the tool of shaming the opporesed and validating the oppresor. Self reliance and decision making is frwoned upon.This can not be solved until we rise up and look our culture from the point of basic human rights rather than claiming the greatness of our culture and social structure.

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  5. I am not surprised ! Working in bar and asking brother to accept is too much in India where even normal 9-5 job is not allowed .A woman has to take permission from ten ppl to do a job and earn money !!
    Working and earning nn money is not optional for women in India anymore.
    When you earn your money,you can buy a house in your name,a scooter in your name ,….its high time women in India learn the importance of her own money under her name.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Remember in Queen, Rani has to be escorted by her younger brother?
    I always found such cases puzzling.I mean, what use is the younger brother really?
    What do the parents think, that if a criminal sees a woman walking on the road with a little boy, he will leave her alone?
    No.
    He will chain-snatch/throw acid/ attack etc anyway.
    In addition, the little boy too is under danger.
    I think the reason little boys were accompanying their older sisters outside of the home is not to play role of protector but to ensure the girl doesnt meet a potential lover of ‘her’ choice and ‘do stuff’ which chaar log dont like.
    In other words, in the guise of protector,she always had a spy around.A spy who goes and reports back to parents.A walking talking CCTV.
    The message girls got was, your actions are always under scrutiny.You have no right to independent thought and action.
    And the message the brothers got was the same – your sisters dare not use their freedom and brains.
    All boys became James Binds.They had the license to kill.
    No wonder, the younger brother felt he could just interfere in his sisters life.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Selective independence to women is considered privilege and with that families claim modernity and win the label of being called liberal. “…We did not feel any discrimination in food, education and medical care the discrimination we felt was so subtle that we could not even put it in words. …When we questioned, we were told it is not because we were girls but because we were the older ones. We often retorted if we were the older ones then why do our younger brothers have to chaperon us our friends’ place. Why do you make us go to the bazaar to buy vegetables and not our brothers? Our mothers would say the boy is not aware of how to buy good vegetables…”
      http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/01/20/desi-parenting-raising-confused-daughters/

      How women’s time and movements are scrutinized in folk culture is very interesting. It is not just younger brother who becomes CCTV but even husband’s younger brother or sister does the same task. Radha, the Goddess when she goes to fetch water always has her husband’s younger sister with her and she retorts her presence in many folk songs. Even a married woman was not to be trusted.
      Anyway your observation is agreed upon.

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      • “Our mothers would say the boy is not aware of how to buy good vegetables…”

        And even if this rationale could be believed, my point is when is the boy going to learn how to buy good vegetables ?!
        Most men are rendered incapable of many tasks simply due to the way they are raised. We, as a society, are doing a great disservice to men and in consequence to ourselves to not imparting many skills to boys while they are growing up.

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    • Yup the kid is losing out on many things in his/her life too while being a spy and it’s highly likely that through long-term conditioning he/she is becoming an agent of oppression.

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  7. Such news never fails to sicken me to the pit of my stomach. I sometimes wonder if our society will ever become civilized. As I see it, it is only going in retrograde mode. Laws? They are unable to impose one simple fundamental right. What are another 50 laws going to achieve?

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  8. Working in a bar is a shameful thing, working in Call centres is a shamefull thing, working in IT companies doing night shift too is a shameful thing ! In fact, coming home late after 9 pm from work is also shameful in some families for girl and their parents hide it ! What is NOT shameful in India for indian women? Sigh

    Liked by 1 person

    • I agree with you – I heard a perfectly educated woman say why should someone take a BPO job or hang out /watch a movie with a friend after work if they are from respectable families . I think I died a little that day – mind you these are educated people living in metro cities

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  9. How ghastly. Like another commentator said, I would really like to know how the parents reacted to this. Shame.

    This is an extreme case of a man thinking he can control his sister. Would he have dared to do this if Jayanti had been his brother instead of a woman?

    Also, I would like to say that while extreme cases such as this abound in India, there are also the “smaller” tugs of control. Which happen daily, sight unseen, in many families. “It’s different for your brother” “We are saying this for your own safety, don’t wear sleeveless dresses. Why do you want to parade your arms like that anyway?” “You cannot go out with your friends. Stay at home like a decent girl” “Why does she need to go all the way to America to study? It’s too far for our girls.” “Bangalore? That hotbed of westernized activity! You are not shifting! Resigning your job is a better option.” and a multitude of other, smaller statements and attitudes that completely erode a woman’s self-possession.

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  10. The parents and brothers of a girl child are the first people who control her life and her decisions, the first people who take away her fundamental rights and freedoms, the first ones who teach her that she is not an equal, worthy, capable human being with thoughts and dreams of her own. This control is established in many forms, and as you said, it is mostly done through shaming. Little wonder then that these young girls grow up to be women with no understanding of their equal place under the sun, no understanding of their individual rights. The conditioning is so long and deep that it takes a lifetime to figure out that this control is wrong and despicable.

    Kudos to this young woman for refusing to give in to her brother’s demands.
    To answer your question, yes we need a specific law that forbids forced marriages. Such a law would make the concept of an adult daughter’s (or son’s) right to choose a partner more concrete in the minds of Indians who are obsessed with controlling the lives of their adult children.
    We also need to make ALL FORMS OF SHAMING (emotional and physical) punishable by law.

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  11. I don’t see the ‘woman’ aspect of this issue as much as others do – my father would disown my brother if he worked at places he didn’t approve of.

    Of course, a woman a much easier target because of additional social pressures, but I think we need larger social reforms.

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    • Sisters would attack brothers’ hair for not marrying someone they think they should? Since this was a widower who had two kids – imagine an Indian sister attacking her brother for not giving up his job (say in a bar) to marry their friend, a widow who is not ‘unencumbered’.

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      • I didn’t say those are false, the abuse part is entirely true. I’m agreeing with you, our society is unfair to everyone.

        What I found shameful is that the brother thought he could control where she worked and who she should marry.

        This is totally true of men as well. Tell me how many Indian men are allowed to take up a job that pays less, or takes time to pay back (e.g. in the cinema industry where it takes time to make a name). My cousin is a tier-2 actor now and you should see the amount of pressure his family put on him to quite and get into a salaried job, so that he could earn for his sister’s future.

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    • Do you really think so? Ask him. I say this because most parents won’t mind their Child being gainfully employed as long it’s honest work. I would rather my boys worked in whatever field they could and liked as long as it was honest rather than wait for a job I approve. As t is half the jos the youngsters o these days dint exist urging my youth, so who am I to know.

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  12. Well said, IHM. It is absolutely shameful that the brother thought he could control her. He was probably jealous that she had a job!
    I find this eerily similar to acid attacks in which to control the girl, they want to damage her appearance. Luckily her hair will grow back. What a jerk brother.

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  13. This is pure atrocity. He cannot force her to do something she does not want to do. Just being her brother doesn’t give him control over her.

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  14. Well what the post says and what many commentators have said .. YEs there should be law, yes to publicly shame , yes to everything..

    but the question is Who is going to Police all that we want .. ???????

    Men will be involved in the policing too what then ..????

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