How would you react if you knew your son (or daughter) felt this way?

Sharing an email.

” I wish they just become bad… too bad… too abusive that they start beating me. That would be easy for me then.”

What would you say to him if you were his parents? How would you react if you knew your son (or daughter) felt this way? 

What advice would you give to the email writer?

’24 year old guy: Help needed Desperately’

Hey there,

I am struggling with a challenge which might seem quite ridiculous at first, and may be it is, but I can’t seem to come out of the situation. I live in a traditional Indian family. But through my small rebels, I was able to create a tiny bit of freedom for myself. And, my parents are supportive of me at some level compared to the rest. Though they still are traditional parents, but compared to what I hear and what I read on your blog, they don’t stop me from doing what I want (in most cases). And that is the problem. They are just normal people… good…fine… OK people. Not abusive, not threatening. Nope. Nothing like that. Just common ordinary people of ordinary lives. I am 24 years old and staying with my parents.

I know it is being very destructive for my growth to stay at home and be lazy and continue the living style my parents inherited from their… and continue the same trend. I am big on personal growth, wants to come out of conformity, escape the rat race, living adventurous life and I keep doing what my current level of growth and confidence allows me to. I just can’t live fully at home, and can’t do all these things I desire, that I know for sure. I want to move out. I want to constantly travel, from one place to other. Try new challenges. And living at home is very limiting. My parents may be slight above in par than the traditional Indian society but that shouldn’t make everything OK.

They don’t encourage me. Don’t support my growth plans, even if they are good.

My parents even make fun of my goal of vegan diet. They think it is too impractical in India. They call my decision of leaving meat as “pretentious” and boring. Can you believe that? They don’t allow me to buy good healthy expensive cooking oil from my own money, just because it is expensive and they don’t know why I do such thing. They don’t understand my habit of reading books. They call me “Kitaabi Keera”.

They still constantly ask, not force, but ask politely to take a regular job. Which I have clearly told them I will not. And I am earning myself through a writing job which does not pay that well. But I take care of my own needs. And this discussion of job still come up every single day. But other than that, they are, I guess, nice people. Normal average people. Don’t abuse me. They give me some level of freedom which THEY think is appropriate but not the “real” freedom. So the problem is – I want to move out but parents are blackmailing me emotionally. Which I think is selfish nature. Whenever I talk about moving out they make sad face. Their tone of voice changes. They just WANT me to stay at home and live a mediocre life like they did. They are so bored and afraid of life that they can’t think of anything they could do themselves, without me. This is utterly sad and depressing. The love between mom and dad is totally gone. They are just living and counting days. (And are they expecting me to do the same?) But they never really pressurize me to stay, never really threaten me to stay, which is the problem itself. Because if they did, I would move out that day only. I know that is completely out of line. But they don’t do that. They become sad, helpless, lonely. that is where I get stuck. I wish they just become bad… too bad… too abusive that they start beating me. That would be easy for me then. I don’t know what to do. I can’t live at home anymore. I have a lot to explore and staying at home at 24 years of age is depressing. Don’t tell me I can stay at home and make it worthwhile without knowing about my passion and goals. And this is one of the hardest decision I have faced in my life. Can’t stay… can’t move out. It scares me to even think of a sudden crisis, an unfortunate event at home, which might happen when I am out of city. Will I who be blamed? I know I can not just stop thinking about it and move out with my stuff. That is just not possible. The solution is somewhere inside me, somewhere I have to grow, give a shot at making them understand, something, I don’t know.

Please give me some advice.

Thank for you reading the whole rant.

Related Posts:

An email: I am 18 year old male from a traditional (read:backward) Indian family.

“You can listen to your parents and be unhappy or you can go against them and feel guilty – those are your choices?”

“When the time comes to support them, they back out and and blame the children for misusing their trust and freedom.”

Against your child’s happiness

An email: I want my parents to know the real me, why do I have to lie?

Why do we hear concerned voices about ‘misuse of freedom’ the moment we talk about Freedom?

‘We grew up in a very liberal family. We knew what our limits were and our focus was our education. We never betrayed our parents.’

An email from an Indian Husband… and a Good Indian Son.

What kind of sons do Feminists raise?

59 thoughts on “How would you react if you knew your son (or daughter) felt this way?

  1. So, I could tell you to walk out and do your own thing, but that doesn’t seem to be your personality, and it would probably be very hard for you to do that. How about actually finding a job in another city? I know you’ve said you want to do your own thing (from your letter, I am not sure what you do currently), but life is not always that black and white. In any case, you could always gain some good experience at a ‘regular job’ and use that to be self employed 2-3 years later. You are still very young, and gaining some experience with a job may not be such a bad idea.

    The reason I am suggesting this is, the same parents who are unwilling to let you move away without a good reason (in their eyes at least), may be more supportive if you move for a job – at least you can present it as a requirement of the job that you have to live in another city.

    This could be a practical way to put some distance and gain your independence, without too much conflict – which my feeling is, you are not ready for.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Nothing comes easy, especially personal freedom. By your own admission you said that the writing job isn’t paying you well, though you take care of your needs. Which, the way I interpret(please do correct me if I am wrong) is, buying stuff your parents bought for you before but not the intangible/invisible costs of house rent, utility bills, and running a full fledged kitchen. You will have to sacrifice something to gain your freedom. You need a Practical way out of the situation so that the emotional way will appear on its on. Parents are more willing to let go of their children if they children prove that they are capable of taking care of themselves without any help…If I were you(which I understand you aren’t, so this could be difficult for you.) I’d sacrifice my idea of not wanting a Job, and find a job in a different state and move out as far as I could from the house and them while maintaining contact with them. Maintain my own home, managing my own finances, yet being on good terms with them. So both of us win. Then I would find ways to continue my passion for writing. Give up working at a Job once my writing can maintain my lifestyle.

    Like

  3. Thank you for responding. You have made a very interesting point. Lemme explain in short.

    I work as a writer for a software company based outside of my state. But I don’t need to go there. I work online.

    What I am doing these days is conducting a sort of an experiment. I am lying to them that I have to move out because of my job. I told them that my boss is asking me to join the office, which is not true. (I could move to the city where the company is based but it is not required). I am just doing to see how they’d react. And sadly, since these last few days, let me tell you, the whole environment of our house is gloomy. As if something bad has happened. They ask me every single hour about my plan with broken voice. “Tu sahi me jaa raha hai.”

    I also worked in a BPO in Delhi but they called me back after 6 months. And with this job as well, they don’t want me to leave, and the card they play is that of their helplessness.

    Here’s what is interesting to note. The thing is that my own younger brother is out in Noida and nobody talks about him. Nobody talks about his “responsibility” to look after his parents.

    You’d think why that is. It is not because I am so loving. (lol). It is because I have rejected the society’s way of working and earning money. I am Btech graduate but not willing to do a corporate job, like normal people. And they think what I do is not serious or appropriate enough to be taken seriously. That is why it does not make sense to move out for the purpose of this job. And moving out because of any other purpose (like traveling) is simply out of questions in our Indian Society. If I had taken a regular Mechanical job in some reputed company, I guess they would send me seven seas apart and then they somehow magical accept the loneliness that they (may be pretend to) experience when they are alone together. Then everything is normal.

    But when I am doing a job that I love whole heatedly (I get to write articles from any place that I like, no boss pressure, no office politics), they think I should always be at home and become their “sahara”. Only me. Not my younger brother. Because, hey! he has to. He is doing a normal job. I? I don’t have a normal job.

    I am just looking for a weak link that proves me that they won’t be sad or anything. They are just pretending to be. And because I have not given them what they wanted (a name of a reputed big corporation that they can boast in front of others), I am simply a guy who – “agar kuch nahi karna to ghar me rah kar hamari help hi kar le.”

    The writing job that I currently do is nothing for them. The job that gives me freedom to travel the world, gives me opportunity to express my creativity through writing is nothing for them. According to them, it should not be taken seriously.

    They are ready to send me to any city for a regular if it is related to my Btech…but they are not ready for me to go to different places just for exploration and fun and travel the world.

    3 years ago, when my Btech was near to completion, somebody told me that he could give me a job in Bhutan in a company that builds huge dams. Yes, In Bhutan. I can remember it now. My parents were just like bouncing off the walls in excitement. Why weren’t at that time were they concerned about who is going to take care of them?

    It makes me think about a post in this blog where it says “You can listen to your parents and be unhappy or you can go against them and feel guilty – those are your choices?”

    Again, they never say “No”. They never force. But they play a game (I think is not genuine) of feeling lonely and sad without me.

    .

    Like

    • Oh, I went grossly off-point in my old comment.

      See, this whole business of content writing has come up a lot only in the past decade and also, it doesn’t have clear established hierarchies. Many content writers are in it not because of passion, but because of timepass. Very few are passionate about the profession. Cream of cake is it doesn’t pay much too, as compared to say, a software engineering position or something.

      Guess I am telling you what you already know. But this is one reason why your parents do not accept this. I know how much convincing, I as a Science postgraduate and one of the toppers, had to do to make everyone understand. I still fight it out for salaries today because even many companies not consider it a serious enough position.

      This is the part of the package. Freelancing or working from home is even more so. I earned 3k for a single article once, for an American company. I made 80 followers in 2 months in a very outdated community. I won two blogging contests with prize money of 1k and 1.5k. Nobody gave a damn. But if you are some random executive in HP, HCl or Infosys and get a recognition plaque for surviving 1 year in that company, people think the sun shines out of your backside.

      Yup it is biased, bigoted and what not. Our parents, unfortunately are a part of this society. At least they have made a transition from wanting you to get a ‘sarkari naukri’. (I am, by the way, still under that pressure, more so, since I aced two SSC exams.)

      Guess you can talk about your client to your parents. Blow up the image of your company. Say you work for them. Maybe show them some published work. Yeah it is difficult because I am assuming it is not creative work, but if you show them, maybe they will start respecting your profession more. It worked with me. My dad proudly flaunts my articles with his colleagues and everyone. He comments too.

      Even my FIL once asked me to send him a link of one of my articles, just out of curiosity to see how and what I write.

      If my FIL can do that, I am sure anyone can take interest provided you know how to make them interested in your work.

      Then, I guess, you can get more leverage and empathy.

      About your brother getting it easier, it is also because you, as the eldest son, are the main ‘budhaape ka sahara’. To take it further, your future wife will be the ‘badi bahu’ and whatever else comes with it. Yeah, I am married to one such eldest son. His younger brother scooted off to Tanzania and his parents are all rejoicing. My husband got through AFMC and they created a big ruckus and eventually never let him join.

      But a lesson, my husband would give you is – never let go when you can still negotiate. Once you compromise in the beginning you will regret it lifelong and a resentment builds up. In fact, the earlier you assert yourself, the easier it becomes later on when your parents are truly dependent on you and have to live with you. He regrets a lot of things in life and badly wishes for a rewind button. You have it. Grab it. Your parents will eventually come round.

      Like

    • Cool, you are understanding there is lots of manipulation going on and here are kind readers giving you some sagacious advice here DG will add her 2 cents of technical know how about what is happening and how it is executed.
      There is a pattern
      http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/is-my-family-dysfunctional/

      there is modus operandi
      http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2009/10/16/emotional-blackmail/
      http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/emotional-abuse/

      Your rights in a relationships
      http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/emotional-abuse/

      Learn new relationship skills
      http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/emotional-abuse/
      http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/assertiveness-learn-to-say-no/

      Once you know what is happening and how it is happening and you can you’ll be in a better position to design your action plan. More tools are on GGTS feel free to use.
      Peace,
      Desi Girl

      Like

  4. I would suggest therapy–come up with a plan and a timeline with your therapist for moving out of your parents’ home. Doesn’t mean you have to move out right away–just when you feel ready (and I feel like you’re getting there eventually).

    Also, therapy will help point out emotionally abusive (blackmail) behavior patterns in your parents–whom, I believe are good people, but just don’t know any better, and will possibly never know any better as you can’t expect people to change when they’re that old. A good therapist can show you many ways in which you can deal with emotional abuse (blackmail) without getting frustrated.

    “It scares me to even think of a sudden crisis, an unfortunate event at home, which might happen when I am out of city. Will I who be blamed? I know I can not just stop thinking about it and move out with my stuff. That is just not possible.”

    I’m about 30 years old and I live half the world away from my parents (they live in the US at the moment). I’m perfectly secure that they’re competent enough to take care of themselves. If there’s an emergency, they’ll call an ambulance. I’m not a medical professional or a paramedic, there’s nothing I would be able to do if there were a medical emergency out of the blue. I don’t understand how your proximity to your parents would help in case of medical emergencies if you are not a doctor, nurse, or a paramedic. Your parents are adults who’ve made adult decisions their whole lives, you don’t need to take care of them. In fact, I believe, the way people turn elderly people into children in this entire subcontinent,is what kills them early. (BTW, your parents are young, don’t treat them like elderly people!)

    My parents are 57 and 55, they can beat me at the gym any day. They play tennis, they like going on road trips, they like exploring museums and art shows, and they love grocery shopping and cooking new things. And while I’m an only child and they miss me quite a bit, they’re not going to stop living their lives because I moved to India, a long way away from them. Some people in India, at that age, seem to think they should be in bed all day. And all they do for exercise is some BS morning walk and some weird arm moving exercises that does jack for actual fitness. I see these joint families in my building and all of the ‘old folks’ sit outside and really do nothing. It’s like everybody just gives up on life, expects to be waited on hand and foot by the younger generation. Like they’re expecting heart disease and diabetes so they have one more thing to complain about.

    I suggest you encourage your parents to win at life (or at least have a life). You’re only 24 so I’m assuming your parents are quite young.

    Like

    • Thank you so much for your advice. I really appreciate all of you who are taking time to come up with answers that are certainly helping me to look at the problem from fresh perspectives. I didn’t think I would approve of publishing this at first, but then I changed my mind. And it certainly was a good decision.

      I never thought about therapy, Kay. And I am not sure if I would be able to get a good therapist in this city. But I would surely try to find a good therapist now. And see if that helps me make the decision quickly that has to be made eventually one way or the other.

      “Some people in India, at that age, seem to think they should be in bed all day. And all they do for exercise is some BS morning walk and some weird arm moving exercises that does jack for actual fitness. I see these joint families in my building and all of the ‘old folks’ sit outside and really do nothing. It’s like everybody just gives up on life, expects to be waited on hand and foot by the younger generation. Like they’re expecting heart disease and diabetes so they have one more thing to complain about.”
      😀 hehehe…that really cracked me up. This is so puzzling for us. We would never understand why people at this age live this way. It is not like they are 90 and are finished. 50 and 60, even 70 is the age where they can live fully. And let me tell you, it not just that. They want everybody to follow that same pattern.

      “My parents are 57 and 55, they can beat me at the gym any day. They play tennis, they like going on road trips, they like exploring museums and art shows, and they love grocery shopping and cooking new things.”

      Wow! I wish everybody were like them during their mid-fifties.

      I tried to change my parents. Though I did succeed a little bit, but failed to do it all the way through. And Now I am tired having endless discussions on why they should start living and stop depending on others, not even on their kids. And let them live their lives as well, even if it does not fit their model.

      I am now thinking that one of the reasons our cultural growth is so slow might be because we all live in a big family (many of those are still joint family). It is very, very rare for us to move out of the house, unless it is some huge job paying millions. so we are stuck in a family and repeat the same patterns. There is less room for growth and change. That is why we keep doing the same silly mistakes over and over again. That is why our culture changes so slowly. That is why there is so less innovation. this is the patten we all follow here – Born, school, college, job, marry, kids, die.

      Like

    • Wonderful answer Kay.

      And the “Some people in India, at that age, seem to think they should be in bed all day.”

      I can’t stop laughing!!!

      Yes, that’s something that always irks me.

      In fact it is not just people in their 50s but even the youth who give up on life. They go to work, come back, cater to the oldies if necessary, watch some Saas-Bahu, Super Singer or any program that does nothing for their GK or anything, then sleep. The said 50 somethings use these youngsters (both married and unmarried) as stellar examples of how the youth should be – autopilot baby-making ‘yes’ machines.

      Any show of individuality – both positive and negative characteristics – are shunned. Only those positive and negative characteristics which the rest of them have can be possessed by us.

      Certain inadequacies and characteristics have social sanction. Men can be potbellied, callous, devoid of household skills, ill-tempered, ugly and uncouth but have to earn well and be capable of baby-making. Women can be ignorant, crybabies, sensitive, incapable of handling technology, gossip, poor at GK, basically capable of nothing outside the house but they have to cook like Sanjeev Kapoor, speak less, be religious, accept abuse, worship these people’s backsides, make babies and serve everyone at whim.

      Anything outside this is seen as a threat. Provided that men and women are ‘yes’ men and women and fulfil these ‘duties’ at any cost, nothing else matters.

      I fervently hope I don’t end up like one of them. It’s so contagious, you almost wonder if you’re infected.

      Like

  5. well after the reply in the comment, I guess the suggestions of taking up a ‘real job’, moving the city and giving up the job and doing your own thing makes sense… You can try that ..

    Like

  6. This is one life and you have to live it….you have to collect your own inner strength no matter what if you are aware your intentions are true and no amount of cajoling or threat can subdue your spirit…wishes that you gather your courage and at the same time understand and be aware that what is that stopping you to go ahead…is it others or you…

    Like

    • It is me, I think. I wouldn’t blame them. The thing that is stopping me is fear, guilt and lack of confidence, may be. And I trying to guise all that under the name of love and care.

      I read an article the other day on internet and it said – “if somebody stops you from following your dreams, if somebody acts irrationally with you and try to abuse you emotionally or otherwise, would you accept them or just ignore them? Well, then why not to do with parents, relative friends and close friends. They have no right over you and your life. If you wouldn’t accept such silly behavior from any outside, then why from the family.”

      That really made me think.

      Like

  7. what u need is a heart to heart with them. today you are looking for an excuse for them to mistreat you so you gt an excuse to move out. TOmorrow, you will have so much resentment against them and urself for not trying a little harder.

    be honest and upfront with them, if this is what you really want to do. If you cant stand up for urself now, what will happen when u get married. Im assuming u r not. I could be wrong… but its ur life and you need to be able live it.

    Like

    • hehehe…I don’t know about marriage. That is really a weird topic for me right now.
      But thanks for your inspiring words. I know ‘they’ are not the problem. And the solution is not outside. It is all about my courage and my growth.

      Like

      • “And the solution is not outside. It is all about my courage and my growth.”

        Is it?

        You are not Dalai Lama. You are a normal 24 year old guy. The very fact that you have this dilemma shows that you cannot grow to your expectations unless you change your atmosphere – at least for a few years. Let yourself grow up and mature. If you really feel a “sense of responsibility” when you are 27 or 28, you can move in back.

        I have tried therapy and all that ‘dissociation’. It works well for the short term. But after a point, you start wondering why should you even be in that situation in the first place. You do not deserve this. That is when resentment seeps in and you become bitter for life.

        You could end up hating them – like I hate my ILs now. Not that it bothers me, but I do not want to actively ‘hate’ anybody. But now I do hate them and I cannot reverse the situation, even though they haven’t been problematic with me for a while.

        And believe me, you do not want to hate your parents.

        Like

      • Vamp, I don’t know why you say therapy is dissociation, on the contrary the aim of therapy is to connect with your true feelings.

        I would even say many people become bitter and resentful because they don’t invest the time and effort in therapy. It is not working on your feelings and contradictions which makes you hate your parents (unless your counselor is no good). Sometimes you have to work through anger, resentment, despair and frustration… then you can let go of all this useless luggage and move on to live your life fully.

        Like

        • I say that’s what therapy is about is because in the end this is what it boils down to.

          If an abused woman wants to commit suicide, they send her for therapy. No amount of therapy will work unless she moves out of the offender’s place. But what if she cannot move out?

          The only advice therapists give is how to deal with the situation. He is beating you? Breathe, do mind exercises…

          I don’t know if there are good therapists, but I have become disillusioned with it. Therapy is good only if you can change your circumstances and surroundings.

          Like

        • Yeterday I was browsing through pictures of survivors of domestic violence posing with papers explaining why they didn’t leave their abuser before a very long time. It was heart breaking.

          Of course therapy helps you to get out of horrible situations. Nothing else will.

          The main help it gives you is getting you to admit you were abused and you are entitled to a better life, you deserve it. It can be a very long work.

          Oh and there was this picture of a grave also, a woman who had apparently waited too long to change.

          Like

  8. “And that is the problem. They are just normal people… good…fine… OK people. Not abusive, not threatening.”
    Yes. I grew up with pretty much the same thoughts. The problem is, we ‘think’ it is normal because everyone else does it. But, people have to understand that bad is bad, no matter what.
    You may be better off than some of your friends, but doesn’t make your situation ideal.
    I can understand, like me, you too are too conditioned yourself to ‘see’ infringement where you should. But whether you do or not, you are basically unhappy in this situation. So you have to think about how you can be happy.
    “I know it is being very destructive for my growth to stay at home and be lazy and continue the living style my parents inherited from their… and continue the same trend.”
    You nailed it. You know what you want. Now how can we get this?
    Clearly, you have talked to your parents and they do not seem to take you seriously. Yeah, been there, done that. In India, no 20-something is taken seriously. For women, it’s only mothers (especially of sons) who are considered for an opinion in the first place.
    You have a lot to your advantage here. You are a guy, so you are under less societal censure for working as you please. Work this to your advantage.
    “My parents even make fun of my goal of vegan diet.”
    I could be you.
    “They don’t understand my habit of reading books.”
    That’s because they are from a different economic and social phase. Our parental generation was quite lower down the Maslow’s pyramid. While at this age, we think of things like self-realization, privacy etc. they were busy getting married, or making babies or basically struggling to make a decent living while ‘adjusting’ with their even more authoritarian parents.
    Don’t expect them to understand you. Yeah if they do, nice. But, don’t be surprised if they don’t. This is how they are. Let them be. Work on yourself.
    You have to get your own space – hook or crook. Either sit down and talk to them. If that doesn’t work; you work, you earn, move out.
    “They still constantly ask, not force, but ask politely to take a regular job. Which I have clearly told them I will not. And I am earning myself through a writing job which does not pay that well. “
    This is a Catch 22 situation.
    You want to freelance but your parents’ do not make it comfortable for you and want you to get a full time job. If you want to freelance, you have to get your own space. But, to get your own space, you need money. For money, you need a full time job.
    There is no other way to put it – you cannot have EVERYTHING. There is compromise SOMEWHERE.
    You can do two things:
    1. Continue freelancing. Become immune to your parents. Live in the same house. Be frustrated with personal life, but happy with career.
    2. Get a full time writing position. Get your own space. No parent problem. Slight irritation with the work atmosphere, but basically you’re doing what you like, so it’s not that bad. Also, your personal life is in total control of yours.
    What is your choice?
    “I want to move out but parents are blackmailing me emotionally.”
    Get a full time job in a different city. No parent can refuse that.
    Also, it is a perfectly normal thing for an unmarried Indian guy to do so you won’t have eyebrows raised. The same neighbors who ganged up against you with your parents will now be supportive of you.
    After you settle in the new city, maybe you can switch back to freelancing. But, I’d still say, content writing is still a very young career in India and you cannot expect to have a ‘career’ out of freelancing. FL writing is good if you have something else on hand, say higher studies or another job. If you want to make it a ‘career’, it’s better to get a full time job.
    I have done both. And for project variety, quality, peace of mind, safety, salary, experience etc. I would prefer full time any day.
    Also, note that in a full time job, you meet lots of people at work and have an alternate space apart from home. You are 24 and at this stage, you need to meet loads of people and learn. This is the best way to do it.
    Amazon is hiring, by the way.
    On a lighter note, you can emo-blackmail them back by saying, “But it is for your wish that I got a full-time job. I want to buy you things, let you live in comfort, but you don’t want me to work there… it hurts me…”
    Emotional blackmail of any kind is like heroin. Once you give in, you are forever in. You soon develop Stockholm syndrome and stick on to your miserable situation, even if you finally find a way to get out.
    “The love between mom and dad is totally gone. They are just living and counting days.”
    Sorry to say, but in pragmatic terms, don’t waste your time and energy on this.
    I think you already know this, but I will tell you what no one told me at that age. (I am also 24). You need to stop seeing yourself as an extension of your parents and start seeing yourself as an individual. Your parents will never do that. But you can.
    One of the principles in this belief states that, reciprocally, you also have to mind your own business instead of judging and analyzing your parents’ marriage/relationship and lives.
    “They become sad, helpless, lonely. that is where I get stuck.”
    Understandable, but that is their overreaction to a perfectly normal situation. Most people do not see abuse because they are conditioned to think that only beating is abuse. We are only used to jumping from one bad situation to a slightly better situation, but nothing that is totally good.
    It is not your fault.
    “It scares me to even think of a sudden crisis, an unfortunate event at home, which might happen when I am out of city. Will I who be blamed? I know I can not just stop thinking about it and move out with my stuff. That is just not possible.”
    Stuff can happen even if you are sitting bang in the middle of the house. You cannot control fate.
    Like I said, being 24, a guy and unmarried, you don’t have much of that worry of ‘desertion’. Most Indian parents worry about desertion by their son only when there is a daughter-in-law in the mix.
    I am not forcing you to move out. Just saying that it is not impossible to move out and also balance the social expectation. You just have to calm down, think, plan and execute. Be very smart.
    “The solution is somewhere inside me, somewhere I have to grow, give a shot at making them understand, something, I don’t know.”
    Well, if you do feel that way, go ahead.
    Sit them down, talk to them, tell them about your work, show them some of your published work, give them something to take pride in. Share your life with them. You can even take trips and holidays with your parents, maybe somewhere locally. Bring in a few of your friends too.
    Show them what your life is all about. Most people disdain what they do not know anything about. Remove that ignorance instead of shunning them. Try discussing your books with them. Maybe try buying them a book in their vernacular tongue or whatever topic/language they are comfortable with.
    Indian parents, though overbearing, can be very loving. They are tuned to react to love. Show them that, and try persuading them, slowly. Use a show and tell policy.
    If this doesn’t work, you can have a little arrangement with a friend or any startup where you go to that place for a couple of hours, work in peace and come back home when you are done.
    And relax… just read good books, watch good movies and get good friends. Get what you feel is making you happy – be it moving out or a writing job. Don’t fret too much on the personal growth thingy. If you do things right, it will happen.
    Remember you are 24 – you’re not meant to be WISE.

    Like

    • To Vamp,
      Frankly speaking I enjoyed reading your suggestions. So pragmatic, yet sensitive to others’ feelings. A very well-analysed one which gives a lot of clarity and feasible options. Great ideas to wean away from over-affectionate or controlling parents!

      Like

      • Hi Harshavan

        Thanks. Nice to hear.

        Yeah when I reply to these problems it is almost like thinking out loud. A lot of the LW’s problems are my own. I have been in dilemmas like he. So I can understand the importance of suggesting solutions in the right tone.

        Vamp

        Like

  9. People can only make you feel as guilty as you let them. My reading of this situation is that you’re pretty ambivalent about how you want to live your life and are scared to take major decisions. Rather than confront your own fears you are projecting all sorts of motives and feelings to them. By giving them that power over you, you are running away from self-accountability. Of course they have a right to be sad that you’re moving away but they sound like the kind of people who will get over it fast. Take whatever action you want and stop blaming others for your stasis.

    Like

    • @asavarisingh 1980
      leaning too dangerously close go victim blaming, this coment.Not everyone is used to or responds well to tough love.
      The LW clearly stated his parents are OK with their second son living away from home and also that they did not say no to the Bhutan offer.They seem to be just prejudiced about a job which does not show millions of bucks.Remember their reactiin when he went off to Delhi for a BPO job? Looks like they are more sorried about char-log opinion?So its not fair to blame the LW that he is ‘scared to take major decisions’, ‘projecting feelings’ onto nis parents, etc.
      Try a little empathy.Put yourself in the LW’s shoes before pointing fingers.

      Like

    • I wouldn’t argue with you. Because I don’t really know if you are right or wrong. may be you are right. And I have said that every time that I am willing to change if I need to change.

      But rather than just accusing me, I would appreciate if you could explain me how to make myself stop all this blaming that I am doing apparently.

      “….but they sound like the kind of people who will get over it fast. ”

      Please, oh for God sake, tell me from where did you get this idea? Because from all this discussion you have figured out THAT, I would be under your debt forever. I don’t need nothing but a realization that “they are the kind of people who will get over it fast.”
      just tell me how you figured that out and the whole problem is solved.

      Like

  10. I some where get a feeling that the guilt that something may happen to them in your absence, if you leave them, especially with a job they are not satisfied with, is haunting you. Please do not think I am presumptuous, but if your nature should be understood, you seem to be a person, who does not want to hurt them and leave. Also you are trying to give them happiness.
    There is nothing like good son or good parents. May be sometimes, children must have given a constant feedback to their parents, that they would obey them just to please them or make them happy. But at some point of time, this needs to change, as we cannot keep pleasing everyone, though they are our dear ones. It does not mean that you need to walk over them and go. But a heart-to-heart discussion and also being a little assertive that the writing job (away from your house), would give you more happiness and satisfaction should be expressed. Also assure them that it will help you have a good financial security and that you will be in constant touch with them. This may help you move out and reduce your guilt feelings, by making them understand the need for your space.
    Also, involving the younger brother also into this, will help.Make sure, that he would also call or visit them. They might have been scared that once you leave, they may start suffering from empty nest syndrome. But why they do not suffer from the same, when you are pursuing a career based on B.Tech, is may be, they are just flaunting your ‘success’ to all around them and pacify themselves. They may actually be missing you and not have expressed it. I do not know whether any of the above helps. But try explaining, by empathising with them too.

    Like

  11. Hello LW,

    In our country, if one has an unconventional profession they are branded as below average. it does not matter.I am a Lawyer and am still considered a misfit in the place I grew up in. Since my father passed away when I was a teenager, my sister and I have regularly received advice from random people requesting us not to abandon our mother. This has bugged me in so many ways. Most of all, wen it is said in front of my mom. She might not have felt the loneliness if t was not constantly mentioned to her. In fact while my wedding preparations were on, this one person asked my mom what she would do after I got married. So does this mean, my mom has nothing to do after I leave the house?? No, my mom is very busy till date and feels 24 hours are not enough. But people asking us about her situation constantly, is not only annoying but also keeps bringing in the unwarranted fear in my mom’s mind.

    Like

    • “..it does not matter.I am a Lawyer and am still considered a misfit in the place I grew up in.”

      Is being a lawyer a misfit? I am surprised. I thought lawyers are highly respected in our society.

      When I look at my parents I get a feeling that they might be busy when I am gone. But whenever I talk to them about moving, they pretend as if they are the most dull humans on this planet and will have nothing to do. But in reality, they are very active, have jobs, use smart phones and FB and whatsapp and all that. Even I don’t use all these. So it makes me wonder why the hell do they say they will be lonely? Why the hell can’t they both figure out what to do with their lives now?

      Like

      • Hi Email Guy, while in general Advocacy is considered a respectable profession, in my community it is considered that Lawyers do not make much money until they are 40 and hence it is a profession with struglle. Much like an artist.

        I completely understand your thoughts. When you get hurt and you are alone you might not cry about it. but when around others you might squeal in pain or even cry. That is the thought process.

        Like

  12. If my sons said these words i would be heart broken, it means I have failed as a parent, failed to raise a confident individual, failed to set him/her free, failed to see the joy in their accomplishments – whatever they may be and generally a failure as a parent.
    Harsh – yes but thats the truth. we as parents need to not only love them, educate them and feed them ( especially the educate and feeding part seem to be obsessively done), more important we need to raise them to be able to survive by themselves. even wild animals do that. yet we fail at that.. sigh!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I respect you highly if you think it that way. I hope whatever you said is correct and stands strong even if your child is doing something very unconventional and against the wind. I don’t mean any unethical, illegal or that sort of thing. But just something that is done by very few individual, at least in our Indian society.

      If you have the courage to let your child go and explore, even if it does not fit your model of living perfectly well, I salute you!

      Like

      • thanks, i hope i do as i say. even as i write my teen son wants to go off on a unconventional camp and is investigating that as a future career option – unconventional to me.. the said camp is also in another country and a bit remote and to do with whales and water ( scary to me) but apart from making sure it is safe and organized and reasonably secure, we let him go, happily encouraging him and building excitement when he questions his decisions, the said career if he so chooses in future may not be lucrative but if it gives him happiness then i think , thats what we need to encourage,
        so having said that i’ve doubled my prayers on a daily basis🙂

        Like

  13. Email Writer: My analysis maybe unfair, so if it not helpful, I apologize. I think you are scared. Fear has gripped you strongly. This fear comes from many different corners and allows you to be manipulated by your parents. This fear allows you to come up with excuses and prevents you from taking the step of leaving your parents’ home.

    My parents never stopped me from going places and doing what I wanted, but their fears certainly came through in any advice that they gave me – career-wise or personal – and they certainly helped me also be fearful when I wasn’t sure of my decision.

    Buck up. If you show that you are confident of your choices, know why you are doing what you do, no one, including parents can talk you out of it. Yes, it might not always be nice to share the real truth of your actions, and there are some nice suggestions already on how to handle your parents. But unless you make up your mind, put wheels in motion, and steel yourself for the thrills and difficulty of living by yourself, you are going to be living your life only in your head. You can’t keep testing the waters by throwing suggestions out there or ruminating about things that happened in the past. You are is this moment today, and you can only make a decision for the future. So, make a list of things you need to do in order to move out, make a timeline and start working your way through that list. Best wishes.

    Like

    • Hi, by no means are your comments unfair. And you don’t need to apologize. Your words are inspiring.

      I accept my fear and that I am scared. But what I don’t understand is, from what. From what I am scared? And after a lot of thinking, reading (on this blog too) and knowing about our Indian culture, it is is clear that we are conditioned to live like this. And a parent-child relationship is very unhealthy, at least after we are adults. That is what I am afraid of.

      And I bet that anybody who has tried to go different ways might have faced either what I am facing or extreme abuse and threat from parents and relatives. I think abuse and threat is much easier to deal with. But I dunno. I have never been in that condition.

      My fear is not an excuse. It is just a fear and I accept that it needs to be overcome.

      Like

  14. From the gist of this I got to say 24 years old is hardly a child – therefore the parents opinions shouldn’t have such a strong hold on dictating the persons emotions and outlook on life. It’s time to cut the umbilical cord and make a life of your own where your self-esteem and confidence is derived from your own opinion of yourself – not others. It shouldn’t be affecting you so deeply, and if it is..move out!

    Like

  15. The primary job of a parents is two fold – one half is teaching their child to be responsible, self-sufficient, reliable, honest, and compassionate – the other half is allowing him to discover who he is, what motivates him, to help him discover his interests and passions, to be happy. Both halves are equally important – going after your dreams is just as important as finding a practical way to fund your own dreams without using parents’ earnings.

    Many Indian (and other similar cultures) parents do not fit into this model. Instead they rely on the dependency model – they take care of you and baby you endlessly and in return expect to control you. They do not think of their own happiness; nor do they think of yours.

    There is no concept of teaching children to be responsible and independent. There is no concept of allowing the children to make mistakes, fail, and learn. There is no concept of being interested in the children’s thoughts and feelings, their interests or their opinions. They never communicate with their children in an honest, open manner. They do not handle conflicts maturely. So, the children don’t know how to deal with conflict either. All they have seen is “if you pretend the problem doesn’t exist, it’ll go away.” or “Raj is married with 2 kids, a flat, and car. He’s happy. You do the same thing and you’ll be happy too.” They don’t have a concept of personal happiness or that human being are unique and may want different things and that copying your neighbor may not make you happy. So, don’t expect your parents to transform from the dependency model to the responsibility model anytime soon. They are products of society’s conditioning.

    If you do not subscribe to the above model (you said you value personal growth and want to pursue an unconventional career, read, think, be independent, etc.), then the onus is on you to develop these 2 necessary halves of your personality.

    The first half requires you become an adult first. You need to live in your own space, get a job that pays the bills, manage your own finances. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a high paying job. But you have to live within your own means. Many Indian kids do not do this. They live in a comfortable house provided by their parents but dream about ‘independence’. Real independence is about being out there in the world and fending for yourself. And if you can’t afford a car, you take the bus. And if you want that car, you work twice as hard, get a higher paying job and buy that car. That’s independence in the real world. Our parents are supposed to teach us this, but if they don’t, then you’ve gotta learn this on your own.
    The second half requires you to stay focused on your dreams and believe in yourself. You will get there. Just keep believing in yourself. And have a plan. Get a paying job in another city. Live in another city. Learn to take care of yourself and stand on your own 2 feet. Continue to take on writing projects on the side to keep gaining experience and building your resume. Once you feel financially ready, you can take on writing full time.

    Remember, as soon as you start working on the above and making plans, you will see push back in the form of emotional blackmail. You have to be strong and stand your ground. You need to understand that when they blackmail you, they are wrong. But don’t waste your energy getting angry with them and instead focus your energy on establishing yourself as an adult and pursuing your dreams. Tell them calmly what you’ve decided to do and expect tantrums and don’t let the tantrums sway you. Kay’s suggestion of therapy is a good one if you are indeed finding it very hard to break out of the emotional blackmail.
    The positive here is you are thinking about these things, you are questioning the norms, you are trying to discover who you are. That’s the most fundamental step, every human being must do that. I do hope that with time and effort, you will realize your dreams. I wish you all the best.

    Like

    • Thank you so much. You nailed it with your words.

      I don’t have words to explain how beneficial these responses are turning out for me. I thought I would be labelled as bad child or “too rebellious” or something along these lines. So I was scared to go public. But I am realizing it now that it would have been a bad mistake.

      And isn’t that a nice analogy to the main problem. I am afraid to do what I want. But I once I will gather enough courage to do that, I will be free and happy.

      FEW IMPORTANT THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE CLEAR all of you and all others who are interested to help me and any such future cases.

      The whole discussion is about the emotional blackmail that I face that stops me to take my own decision. The discussion is NOT if the writing job is better or the regular strong paying job. (I personally will never encourage anybody to take the corporate job behind desks which kills your creativity forever. No offence to anybody. Just my opinion…may be wrong.).

      Which you sir, above, nailed it. And I am pleased to know that you understand.

      “…you need to live in your own space, get a job that pays the bills, manage your own finances.”

      I earn enough money to move out and live in a normal city. Pay my rent, food, bills, and basic needs. Even while living at home, I never ask for any money at all. Though, we are a middle class family and have no money issues but I never ask for money. I pay the bank myself (A loan that I took). No body among my brothers and cousins do that. Their parents pay their loan. Even my parents pay the education loan of my brother. But I don’t let parents pay my debt. I realize that it is my debt and I have to clear it.

      I have a big internet plan with good speed and pay the bill myself…however the whole family use it for their purposes as well. I am not boasting here with these small personal details. I am just making a point that I have reached to a point where I can be called as “adult” and I can make my own decisions and support myself. I am trying to make you all people see that I have been strong enough to decide that I should be responsible for my own life here. I am doing it. There is no other proof required. I have managed to live responsibly and take care of my own living style. And I could do it if I move out.

      “…continue to take on writing projects.”

      Another thing, I am not a freelancer. I have a job that pays me a fixed amount. It just differs from other mainstream jobs by the amount of time that I have to spend here (which is very less in a week), I don’t need to attend to offices, I don’t have any single boss that orders me around and the job is writing which I can do from any place.
      And even with these benefits, this job is not what I plan to do forever. But for the time being, this job allows me and provides me ample of time to tackle different other challenges, do things that excite me, to travel (I do a lot of hiking and trekking with my cousin) and many other activities. Why should I throw it all way and take a corporate job behind a desk?

      “…You need to understand that when they blackmail you, they are wrong.”

      I never though anybody would say that so clearly. I am always thinking of myself as a selfish, bad child who only thinks about himself. And it is unfortunate that very few people will see that even if I am thinking about my well being, I am not the one who selfish here. And blackmailing is bad.

      I told them very subtly about this discussion here. I told them that it is online and I just wanted to know what people would do.
      My mom said, in hindi, with a bitter tone – “Tujhe jo karna hai kar le. Humne kab mana kara. Mai tujhe last baar bol rahi hun, hum jaise rah rahe hain, rah lenge.”
      I don’t how you interpret it but try to read it in a traditional mom’s irritating voice and you will understand.

      You said:
      “…….
      There is no concept of teaching children to be responsible and independent. There is no concept of allowing the children to make mistakes, fail, and learn. There is no concept of being interested in the children’s thoughts and feelings, their interests or their opinions. They never communicate with their children in an honest, open manner. They do not handle conflicts maturely
      …….”

      Thank you again for that. And your explanation of our culture and the unspoken-unwritten rules of parent-child relationship are very haunting. It is depressing and at some level very fascinating to notice that all of us follow these non-official rules without ever thinking about them. Will that ever change?

      Like

      • Dear EmailGuy,

        So, if you are currently financially independent, then, yes, I agree there is no reason to take up another (desk) job. I did not fully understand your situation, but now I do. There are many Indian kids who want to be independent but still want to enjoy the comforts of living with their parents. I see now that this is not the case with you. The main challenge is the emotional blackmail, I see that now. Okay then, understand that they are wrong in doing this and you are right in pursuing your dreams. Do what you want to do and let them know of your decision. Don’t feel guilty about going out and living on your own. And don’t be angry with them for not understanding. It is difficult to change people’s mindsets.

        Like

      • Hello Guy. Your situation gets clearer. I would just kindly advise you to be careful with “pop psychology”. Cultural, social matters are indeed interesting to understand where we stand. But each situation is unique. And each person can change a situation that he/she doesn’t like, at least try to change it, or walk away from it. And each person can change, even when he/she is very old.

        What is most important to you, travelling ? How could you take a first step to fulfill your goal ?

        Like

  16. I beg to differ, why do you have go find a regular job and waste a few years of your life being the mediocre human being that you don’t want to be? The sad faces and the black mail is all because you are a son, you moving out is making them feel insecure. I would think your rebellious nature will make them understand- you should move out, but still be there for them ( live in a place reasonably close, being able to visit them once a week or so) which would slowly make them let go. Human mind is wierd, sometimes it listens if said lovingly, sometimes you should thrust your thoughts so they know that’s the way it is and they will have to come around. May be they don’t understand your dreams and passions, but atleast they’ll know you do what you want to do. All the best.

    Like

    • Thank you, for understanding. This is exactly what is my point. There is no logic, no reason to waste my years doing something that my parents and this society considers “safe”. I am not willing to live that way. And ready to face the resistant.
      This situation is one of those resistances that I have to face in order to be loyal to my true desires and dreams. Only that this one has taken a long time and a lot of mental resources.

      I am willing to hear the arguments that prove that my writing job is worthless and I should take a regular job. But I am not willing to hear arguments that say that I am not free to choose for my own self. My decisions (which I know are correct) even if are wrong, I should be free to choose.
      It is like somebody once said – “I do not agree with what you have to say, but I’ll defend to the death your right to say it.”
      You don’t have to agree that my decision about the job is right. It may be wrong. But that is not the point.

      Like

  17. Funny when I first read the Guy’s story, I thought “this young man needs a gentle kick in the backside”. I identified with the parents, as I’ve found myself in a similar situation and have also witnessed other parents in similar situations… It was a difficult time for both of us as there were many issues. For me, wanting the child to become independant, thinking what will happen in 20 years, trying to help in a clumsy way, concern that the child wouldn’t parent me etc. You know, it was like a cartoon where the character (my child) walks in the air and doesn’t realize it and everybody around him (family, teachers) is afraid he will fall. It’s a gut wrenching moment for a parent to say “not my problem, he/she’s an adult now”, but as our family doctor once put it “being the parent of a teenager/young adult is like fishing, you throw the line and you wait”😉

    But I didn’t write that as I have been also in a situation similar to the Guy’s situation, in fact I’m still living one hour from my parents house (while my younger sister lives abroad)… like so many people in fact.

    I read once that guilt, is one of the worst feelings a person can experience. I saw this program the other day where a counselor asked students to look in a mirror and told them “meet the person who can change your life”. You are the only person who can free yourself from guilt.

    Dear Guy, what if your situation is a misunderstanding ? Your parents love you, you love your parents, I am confident you can work things out. Be happy !

    Like

    • It is not gut wrenching to say “He is an adult now.” It is freeing and empowering. I know I don’t have kids but I can only imagine what would it be like. I think, personally, I would thrilled on the day when I would realize my son is an adult. I wouldn’t say – “I don’t care he is an adult.” but it wouldn’t definitely be a gut wrenching thing.

      There are parents who send their kids to war and all that scary places. For God’s sake, I am not asking to go to Afghanistan or Iraq.

      I agree that parents have to look after their kids. In fact, they may have to control them, boss them around, teach them with force if required, but only till the point where they don’t have their own matured mind.

      Once a child is above the thinking age (18 as an average), you should stop doing that. Because, even if you try to control, it won’t work.

      “looking after” and “controlling” are two different things.

      You control either by force or by other means, for instance, emotional blackmail. It is a result of fear and narrow thinking and social conditioning and habits and old long tradition.

      And “looking after” is simply love and care.

      And it ain’t a rocket science to know the difference.

      But, I am glad you also tried to look it from my perspective.

      And don’t think I haven’t felt how it is on the other side. In fact, till now all I have done is not care about my own happiness. I am not exaggerating. So I am aware about the other side as well. Not emotionally may be, but intellectual and reason.

      To put things much simpler, think about this and then decide how ridiculous it sounds…and how depressing it could be for somebody:-

      If I go with how parents think, I have to live all my life at home. I could go for a vacation for like a week, maximum for a month once in a blue moon, but not more than that. Otherwise, they would just get “depressed” without me. And this is for whole life time, either mine or theirs. You see where this is going? And if you have known me for some time, you would realize the seriousness of the situation. If I told you what are my plans and goals and dreams, you would realize, living at one place is like killing my soul. It just doesn’t make any sense to me.

      You couldn’t say that I am wrong about my model of living. Because I am not saying yours is wrong. I am just saying we all have different perspective. What if a guy who wants to explore Amazon and Antarctica and Alaska had my parents to guide him?

      I don’t have anything against them. I don’t have anything against anybody. I don’t want to leave them or anybody. Going somewhere else is not leaving. Sometimes I curse myself because I am like this. Why did I become like this? Wouldn’t it be all better if I was content with a normal life, with a good job and wife and kids and all. Why in the hell did I go and discover the life real’s joy, if I couldn’t pursue it? Nothing of all this would have happened. May be I am sorry for myself, but I couldn’t go back.

      Like

      • When I told about gut wrenching moments, I didn’t understand the fine details of your situation. In my case, my daughter did very drastic and unconventional choices. I told her she was preparing a difficult life for herself, but she found a solution. So really I’m proud of her and I learnt to hold my tongue.

        As a young woman, I also wanted to travel a lot, but ended up not doing so. Meanwhile my sister is living abroad, my best friend is a globe-trotter. Why ?

        I am not judging you. I am simply asking you why do you let other people take so much power over yourself ? I think it’s important you find out for yourself.

        Oh and just one thing. When I was 38 years old (!!!), I finally decided to go to India, as I’d been dreaming about this since I was 15. For many years I’d asked all kind of people to go with me as I wasn’t confident to go alone but everybody told me it was a bad idea. Then one day I woke up and thought I’m going to die one day, and I want to take this trip before. The beginning of the trip was a real disaster, I almost freaked out, but fabulous things happened later on ; finally I found the road to happiness. Don’t wait until you’re 38 !😉

        Like

        • Thank you, Victoria. I understand what you mean. I know traveling alone, specially for female, is not an easy decision to make, considering all the social resistant they would get in almost all countries. But it is really-really nice to hear that you finally did it.

          “The beginning of the trip was a real disaster, I almost freaked out, but fabulous things happened later on ”

          This is a wonderful example for anybody who wants to make a big decision, which he knows is right, but is afraid to make it for several reasons. Just like me. So, I am pleased by your personal example and certainly inspired me.

          I am just curious what kind of a problems you faced when you wanted to visit India. I know some of them would be external and some would be internal. But I would appreciate if, without going too personal for yourself, you could let me know the kind of inner and outer setbacks on your journey to India. One that I can think of is might be related to the fear associated with traveling alone as a female. Right?

          I also just want to share that in spite of feeling scared about the next phase of my life, I am also feeling excited. It is a mixed feeling.
          From last few days, I am feeling a little better. I have realized that these “things” are not problems but challenges, and everybody have them. There is no pleasure without pain. No light without darkness. And we would be bored to death in heaven (If heaven is a perfect place with no challenges).

          Like

        • I’m glad you’re feeling better, and yes you’re right heaven must be boring!

          About my trip, I planed it really badly, and got a big cultural shock. Was taken through a slum on my first day, saw naked children running through traffic, a dying dog covered with flies, didn’t eat or drink for fear of food poisoning, got sunstroke and finally told a sinister taxi “to take me to the sea” lol . The last straw was hearing unknown sounds on my first night, was sure they were terrible beasts, turns out they were some kind of crows. After that I spent 3 days in a hotel watching Indian movies and comedies trying to soak up the mentality of people… What kept me sane is all the people telling me I was gloomy and silly and offering help, apparently I was hugely entertaining🙂

          Was I in external danger, according to my husband, yes. But the real danger was myself. Fortunately I decided to ge gentle with myself for once and follow intuitions…Since then the road has still been bumpy and cahotic, but amazing coincidences keep popping up, it’s like “angels” patting me on the back, saying “keep going, you’re on the right track”. Was if worth the fear, definitely !

          Like

  18. So, now that we know what is the whole story and what the real problem is, i would say to my Email brother, “Come! Move out! stay with me! we have the same job! same passions! we could travel together, write whatever we want! Grow and live the lives we want!” I know your parents well and i personally think that they are better than most of the indian parents when it comes to activeness and self sustenance. They will find a way to spend their time (they have regular jobs that pay). As i have always said, it takes a single step to start a long journey. I quit a hotel management course which would have given me a well paying comfortable desk job with some ass licking i dropped out and i am doing better than ever, my parents cant say a word as i am earning money and dont ask them for anything. i could have stayed at home like a couch potato, but no. I am not like that and i know you are not like that, you are more than you think and you deserve more than you are getting, I see hundreds of young guys like us, many of my friends feeding like parasites, on their parents money and they are perfectly fine with it. you are not, i am not, when we know better we must do better. this job is paying enough for us to get us started in our own things and i am moving out next month. Getting a room too, you are welcome to come and stay with me, that way we can share our expenses and you can send more money home. I know you are capable of doing great things and it hurts me to the core when i see you struggling with these dilemmas and situations which i would want to avoid certainly. But when i put you in my shoes, i think i would have moved out eventually as putting up with what you now KNOW is utter BS and a think that is a result of social conditioning, Even my parents want me to take a sarkaari naukri and then hook me up with a girl which they think should be a homely maid-cum-wife-cum-baby machine. but no. i know my limits and capabilities as a person, a young traveler and writer. You know it already that you wont be able to take this for too long, and it would be better if you move out when it is normal. moving out of anger and frustration
    (that will definitely come) will be worse. You are one of the most intelligent guys that i have have met and out of all these people i know you and your situation best. I think it is time for the final talk, the showdown. there cannot be a better time for you when i am moving out too. we work the same job, we get paid the same salary. so step up. good times are waiting. and remember, things have a habit of working out eventually.. aazaadi maang k nahi milti. cheen ni padti hai🙂

    Like

    • Hey man,
      Thank you for showing up. I appreciate it.
      As for your comment, I understand all that but I am not being able to do it. That is the main point. Your suggestions is like saying “Sing better” to the guy who wants to sing better.

      “Come! Move out! stay with me!”
      Sorry, I can’t move out and stay with you. Because that means we have to attend to office. That is the opposite of what I am saying. You think I am saying no to your plan of staying there together because of my parents situation? NO. I have already told you that I am not moving there with you because I am not interested in going to offices. So, there is no point motivating me to be your roommate.

      “my parents can’t say a word”
      Hu? Are you high?

      “aazaadi maang k nahi milti. cheen ni padti hai ”
      Fits much better on Hitler types. Not on mine. They are not physically or mentally abusing me directly. So there is no sense of snatching back my freedom from their hands.

      Like

  19. Dear email guy-

    Move out. You clearly want to. Yes, you will feel guilty sometimes, but each time you do, remind yourself that you deserve to have your life play out the way you want it to.

    You don’t have to move to another city *just* to create an excuse for the move.
    I think it’s unfair for you to change cities to justify what is a very valid desire.

    As to the specifics, I have no particular advice to give. Perhaps begin to look for a place? Decide if you want a room-mate? Next, have a specific time-bound goal. Two months? Three months?

    Finally, tell your parents that you are moving out because you want ‘to learn to be independent’, (not saying you aren’t!) and that you love them and will ‘take care’ of them even if you will not reside together.
    Accept that they may never be okay with your decision. Anticipate the emotional blackmail, but keep reminding yourself (in concrete points) of why you need to do this.

    Like

    • Hey, Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I don’t know why these lines struck me particularly. “”Accept that they may never be okay with your decision. Anticipate the emotional blackmail, but keep reminding yourself (in concrete points) of why you need to do this.””
      I understand that they never will be OK. And somehow I have to take the hard decision. Isn’t that the life? Full of hard decisions? I think it is.
      thanks again.

      Like

  20. Pingback: “After all, why do we as kids, feel so entitled to our mother’s time, indeed her entire life and personality?” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  21. Pingback: And here is why women are so helpless in marriage issues and in their martial home. | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  22. Pingback: ‘Both families arrived at a compromise and she decided to continue to live with her gay husband.’ | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  23. Pingback: “I gathered all my courage and I have confessed about my relationship with the guy to my parents.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s