“Can you people help me on this? I only want to convince my parents that is all.”

I knew one young girl – not yet 18 [read here], who ran away from her husband’s house and told her parents she would commit suicide if they even talked about trying to send her back. Basically she made it clear that there was to be no discussion – she was not changing her mind.

What do you think can this email writer say to her parents to convince them that it is okay for them to support her decision to end her marriage? 

The email:

I am 22 yr. Well you can think why this girl is writing in this. I am married 7 months back. My in laws are typical. My husband is never in my favour. I hate him. I have tried everything to change him. But I don’t sleep with him because I don’t want to sell myself for peace. He claims for sex and I say no. His mom tortures, waking me early, getting all work done. When I try telling him that he says it’s common. I can’t take it. I was a princess at my house. I have done all the work here. Still they keep extracting work from me. Even I am working . He does not spend one rupee for me. Clearly he does not love me just want to sleep with me. I am not ready. We went to a counsellor too. He didn’t change a bit. Day by day, so much work. Food also I manage my own food. My needs I manage. I have decided to break this marriage. I am moving to a far place as I have got job there. My parents are practical but now they are fearing asking me to stay back. I don’t know how to convince them. Can you people help me on this.? I only want to convince my parents that is all.  Only they mean the world to me. I am bold to live alone. Just my parents . Help me

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60 thoughts on ““Can you people help me on this? I only want to convince my parents that is all.”

  1. If you’ve got a job in another city, and you’re sure you don’t want to be married to this man, take it and run. Explain your reasons to your parents once clearly and then do what you have to. Your parents will come around later.

    Like

  2. if you have decided to separate.. ensure you initiate and close the legal procedure and then move cities for a peaceful new life.. otherwise it could be quite a hassle!

    Like

  3. I think you are in a pretty good position right now. You have a job, you can get away from your marriage and have a much better life. About your parents, they are probably behaving like this because of social pressure and the fear that they may be ostracized. It is wrong of them to put your happiness behind that, but nothing you can do now. Make it clear that you are doing this. You are an adult, free to make your own decisions. Explain to them the way your MIL treats you, and try one last time to make them come around. If they don’t, STILL MOVE AWAY. You have an opportunity to escape the torture, grab it! Your parents will eventually come to understand your reasons and not want to lose you.
    Good luck!

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  4. Tell your parents ONCE what your problem is and why you feel suffocated. Don’t try to justify yourself or make excuses – just set it out in plain terms. Let them know this is not for their permission, but for their information. Don’t get dragged into discussions about “log” or “adjusting”. Make sure they know it is non-negotiable. They will either:

    a) support you immediately – in which case, nothing more is to be said. You just have great parents.

    b) not support you immediately, but come around later: in this case, you move away and continue to work and once they know things aren’t going according to their plan and that you are still their daughter whether or not “log” like it, they will accept your decision. Keep in mind that this “later” might quite possibly come after 2-4 years.

    c) never support you at all: if this happens, you will have to be strong and accept the situation. Understand that it is not you, but they who have failed as parents and as human beings. If they care more about external factors than their own daughter, then they are not worthy of the consideration you are preparing to give them.

    So go ahead, and happy divorcing!

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    • Fem: Happy Divorcing?

      Your advice is excellent. But I was rather struck by this last phrase. Getting a divorce is not fun. Perhaps you meant to encourage the LW by conveying a positive sentiment? However, for someone who has been through it, the comment comes as rather frivolous. Makes you feel that divorce is a picnic, which it most certainly is not.

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      • That wasn’t my intention. It is like a tough exam she has to pass but once she is through life would be better. The LW just needs to keep her spirits up high and enjoy her freedom and her return back to humanity, and not get pulled down by society. I had been following the blog of The Wild Child and she threw a party on getting her divorce as a sort of closure. I thought it was an excellent idea to encourage yourself to face life after divorce, because as you say, it certainly is not easy. Hence, happy divorcing.

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  5. As long as you are living with your husband, the full impact of your present plight will not hit your parents.
    Pack your bags. Head for your parents house. But don’t run away without your in-laws knowledge.
    Be firm and tell them that you are leaving and then go .

    When you reach your parents home, tell them in detail about your plight, in person. This will have a better effect than explaining over the phone or letters or email.

    If you are sure there is no future in this marriage, tell your parents about it and refuse to return to your in-laws place and plan for a divorce and take the necessary steps.
    I cannot imagine any normal parent throwing you out of the house and forcing you to return.
    I suppose this was a marriage arranged by your parents. Even if it was a love marriage and you married against their wish, they must still support you in this matter.

    In the rare event that they are not convinced and force you to return , be prepared and plan how you will support yourself with your new job.
    You are only 22. Never mind. It is is a minor setback in life.
    Once you achieve economic independence, you will be able to face life with more confidence.
    All the best.
    Regards
    GV

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  6. This might sound harsh.. But the first thing you need to do is sort yourself out. I know your parents mean everything to you.. but sometimes you need to take the Leap of faith FIRST and then look at the result..

    I would suggest go to your parents and TALK to them .. NOT TELL THEM.. which we usually do.. Telling does not work.. TALKING might work and if that does not work then you have a decision to make ..

    All the best and God bless , I am sure you will have some friends who will be ready to help if need be .. Take care

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  7. first of all hats off to you girl! you have taken a very brave decision.. move on, enjoy the pleasures of life, there is so much good to experience ahead.. as far as your parents are concerned, explain them clearly the outcome of this marriage.. what will happen to your life & future, if you still stay back in this marriage or if you break this marriage.. ask them if their dear daughter`s happiness is more important or the society`s acceptence.. and about their fears about your future, assure them that you will surely be happy, if and only if you are out of this marriage… as GV sir has already said, you are still young and think this is a small set-back in life and move on with a bang! all the best🙂

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  8. I agree with Bride. First take the job & move on. Parents can be talked to later. I think walking out of a marriage in a traditional society is stressful enough, I would not add having to deal with emotional drama from parents in the mix. That is unless, your parents are open to reason at that moment. i am sure they would feel better when they see you happier.

    You are an adult. You don’;t have to give explanations to people o why oyu would like to do certain things. Do what feels right to you.

    Also, I would like to commend you for taking the step to move out your marriage. Not many people will have the courage to do it.

    And please this kind of unsupportive relationships are not normal. Even if the whole world does something does not make it right. Few hundreds of years ago we believed that sun revolves around the earth & that earth was flat.

    I hope things get better from here.

    Like

    • I agree with this too. Don’t wait for your parents permission to work/take the job.
      Do tell them what your plans are, but don’t make your work plans subject to their yes/no.

      Like

  9. This is why women need an education and a source of income.

    On the flip side it’s sad that we are such a screwed up society that we need to ensure an escape hatch from abusive relationships because abuse is so common.

    Like

  10. Hi

    ” My parents are practical but now they are fearing asking me to stay back.”
    You said your parents are practical, so if they are still opposing you then talk to them freely and honestly, tell them face to face your problems how your husband and in-laws are ill-treating you. There can be many other reasons why your parents might be opposing your move instead of just buckling to the pressure of society as commonly assumed.

    You are young, still 22 don’t waste your life and time. Do talk with your parents first and then think about divorce. If your parents suggest some other move instead of divorce like leaving your husband for a while and staying with them or moving to your new job without filing divorce immediately so that giving some time to your hubby and in-laws to understand, think about it. Don’t go adamantly, and absolutely DON’T go soft, think wisely. What you should not do right now is just sit idle.

    My best wishes to you🙂

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  11. I am so sorry you are going through this, it is horrible to be asked to do all the housework and to feel unloved and disrespected. Before taking this leap, I would request you to first make a full fledged plan A, plan B and plan C if possible. Make yourself financially independent first before leaving. You cannot just rely on a job alone and trust that it would help you survive alone(in case you don’t like the job and may be forced to work there because of your circumstances). Find friends who would support your decision, especially in the place you are planning to move to, find some people there to help you set things up initially.

    Did your parents speak to your husband and ask him why he is keeping you unhappy? Is he able to answer your parents? Ask your parents to get involved in this and question your in laws and your husband. If they are disrespectful to your parents and don’t seem to care about you feeling bad and hurt, then you can decide to move out.

    I wonder how old your husband is, if he is young too, he is probably not having a mind of his own to make decisions and rely on his parents for guidance. This is the problem with young people and the reason why many young marriages fail.

    Good luck and be brave! You will do well!

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  12. Girl u hav a job n ur self sufficient….if ur parents dont support u now…just forget them n leave.They will come arnd eventualy.Else Ur better off without them

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  13. You seem to have your head screwed on right. Understand that you are under no obligation to stay in an abusive marriage for the sake of your parents. Tell them that one way or the other you are going to leave and if they are willing to support you through this time of difficulty, you’ll be glad to accept what is offered but if they’re not, you’re willing to fight it out independently.

    Do you have a good circle of friends? Do you have anybody in your family that can support you if push comes to shove? I ask because if your in laws try to physically restrain you from leaving, you need someone who can potentially file a police complaint on your behalf. Your idea of moving far away from this drama is a sound one. You just don’t need any drama in your life at this time.

    I really hope things work out for you, LW. You seem like a smart woman with the right expectations from life and relationships. All the best!

    Like

  14. Dear LW, this is such a touching letter. You are so young, but so strong. You have figured out early on that this is not working. Many women put up with years of abuse, trying to please the husband and in-laws harder and harder in the hope of finding love and acceptance, knowing somewhere deep inside that it’s never going to happen, that they are just being used. Hats off to you for realizing this early on, and for being practical enough to keep your job.

    If you have a job in the other city, and can support yourself, go for it, by all means. Please make sure to plan out all the practical details. Where will you stay? How will you commute to work? Getting your phone connection, gas, and other utilities to your house. What is the legal work needed? Do you have to get a separation or a divorce? Is there a lawyer your family knows, so that he/she can simplify the process and make it as painless as possible?

    Hugs and all the best!

    Like

    • Sorry forgot to respond to your question on parental support. Yes, do ask for their support. I understand, as a 22 year old, you are very young, and it is natural to look to them for support. I do hope that they will be a strong and supportive presence for you, as that will make a world of difference.

      However, if they are very resistant to supporting you, then you need to find the strength within yourself to do this on your own, until you can make some good, supportive friends. Don’t try too hard to convince your parents because doubtful/anxious/worrisome parents can be a weakness rather than a strength. Weak parents can make you constantly second guess yourself and drag you down with negativity. And right now, what you need is strength.

      Like

  15. On a related note, IHM, in this culture of ‘extract max work from d-i-l, make her grateful for scraps’, what is the incentive for young women to get married? I mean, she is doing tons of house work, she’s doing her job, so obviously she’s capable of taking care of herself and her needs – she can cook, clean, earn – all the things adults need to do if they live on their own. So what’s the point of getting married, in this system?

    The only point of marriage is love and companionship – if that is taken away, and replaced with slavery/demands/requirements for fitting in/serving an entire clan/enormous money payments (disguised as ‘gifts’)/changes to one’s dressing/eating/giving up friends, then really, what the point???

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    • Good question. There are incentives to marriage. But in this case the cost far outweighs the benefits(if there are any at all). There is no point of this marriage; if you ask anybody before getting married if they want such a marriage every one will say no.

      The fact is, the way the LW describes the relationship, the relationship doesnt actually exist between two people but only in society’s eyes. The relationship needs to change drastically or go up in flames.

      This is not a marriage

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    • Social approval and parental love? The only incentive is that you no longer have your parents weeping and wailing about ‘log kya kahenge’ and act like they actually love and support you as long as you toe the line. It’s also helpful when random landlords don’t want to know why you aren’t married yet. It’s easier when relatives you have never met in your life before and will probably never meet again make it their business to creepily send you photographs of guys. Then for those who want children, it’s easier to delude yourself into believing you are putting up with life because you love your kids oh, so much.

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      • // The only incentive is that you no longer have your parents weeping and wailing about ‘log kya kahenge’

        LOL. Bang on! That is the only ever “incentive”.
        Actually, men get way too many real incentives – hefty dowry, an extra salary which is more or less equal to theirs & which they can insist on being transferred to their hands because “that is what everyone does”, domestic help, someone they can hit and not get hit back (this is especially true with those no-gooders who can’t achieve anything compared to their peers, or who don’t get any respect at workplace.. they can feel good about having atleast one person at their feet), home-cooked food, license to rape the bride etc.
        Women get only negative incentives, i.e, threats. Like “if you don’t get married, your entire future will be so dark. No one will respect you at all etc..” The only thing that comes close to a real incentive is what you said – stopping parents from eating your head and everything else by worrying aloud every waking moment about they yearning to “finish their major duty”.

        Like

    • Status. Sadly enough, a daughter not being married is such a status dampener for parents. Clearly, her own happiness isn’t as important. It’s the “log” that matter.

      But seriously, why should she be “grateful” for anything at all?! For being “allowed” to serve these unkind strangers? Or for being “permitted” to pursue a career? I give up.

      Liked by 1 person

    • @wordssetfree
      So,true.In my community they want educated girls to sit at home and do housework …as her sole responsibility. Housework doesn’t end at cooking nowadays,….there is cleaning,dusting ,washing clothes.I have seen so many households where women only use washing machine to wash everyone’s clothes.The men don’t even use machines to wash their clothes.
      There is no incentive to get married,…I have seen so many men who just want someone who knows housework, is willingly to do it and help his mom.They talk about wanting a helper for their mom,…..nothing abt husband wife relationship. Indian men don’t even think abt marriage in any other terms.Now,because of age I see 40 year divorced with children,… They want somebody to take care of their children !
      Why should I get married? To do chores of other 3-4 people.?
      In my community, men join their father’s business and don’t study.They are usually 10th 12th passed….educated ones….Mba’s engineers are no bettter though.Arrange marriage market has become a nightmare for me now.
      Indian men have no concept of helping with housework…. They are such a burden.

      Like

  16. LW, I hope you know that ultimately, it will only come to your decision. Are you not going to move, simply because your parents don’t agree? Of course not! You’ll move, whether your parents agree or not, because it’s your life and future on the line. These things do not need anyone’s formal approval in order for you to improve. They only need your courage, and your determination, and you have both.

    I understand the need to make your parents see things your way. Everyone wants the people they love to accept them and their decisions in life, that’s not a bad thing. But don’t let that need hinder you from moving forward, and don’t rely on it as a green light for your actions. You can try to convince your parents by telling them that you’re unhappy, and that this marriage simply isn’t working out, and that if it doesn’t end now, it will end sometime in the future. And that’s true, because eventually, things will get to a much worse place than it is now, and you might not be able to get yourself out of that tricky situation. If you can’t convince them right now, don’t waste your time trying to make them see light. Just go ahead with what you were doing. If they are the practical, loving people you say they are, then they will see for themselves that you made the right decision.

    Best of luck!🙂

    Like

  17. I think,one of the reasons parents tell the daughter to adjust in a bad marriage, is that if she walks out, they might feel inferior. They made a mistake, they messed up their daughter’s life.
    Afterall, they fed her the right food, clothed her the right way,etc so far,didn’t they? And nothing went wrong.Now suddenly,she is having trouble.And they are the ones who sent her to the source of all her troubles.Hence they feel,’Oh Gosh Darn How Could I Have Made Such A Mistake.’
    This is such a big blow to their ego.So they go into denial.Full force.Now they are like, “It cant be.I couldn’t have made such a huge mistake.I am sure its nothing.I am sure things will be better soon.I am sure my daughter is just over reacting.”Etc etc.

    And then comes the fear of being labelled by ‘log’ as The Parents Who Made A Mistake.

    Like

    • Aarti, in some cases (not this one), it could also be selfishness. They don’t want to take on the ‘daughter’s problem’. They’ve washed their hands off the daughter by giving a big dowry, spending tons on her marriage. Now, they expect the ‘investment’ to work out by staying put. They’ve always seen their daughter as a burden, now the burden is in someone else’s hands, so why should she be thrust back on them?
      Of course, there’s no realization that if they had raised her to be self-reliant, none of this would be a problem. And even with self-reliant children, grown daughters or sons can sometimes have a problem, and may need their parents’ help. Nothing wrong with that. A family is supposed to be there for each other, in times of need.

      Like

  18. So, asking the daughter in law to wake up early or to do the house hold chores passes as “torture” these days !! Times have definitely changed. If you wanted to remain a princess who wakes up at noon, you should have stayed with your parents forever. Even they will die someday and you will have to take care of the chores. It’s understandable that you want your husband to help you in the chores but you are exaggerating by calling it “torture”. In this echo chamber, the answer to any marital problem is divorce but it might still be possible to salvage your marriage. Try to talk to him again and explain your contribution to the household in terms of money and labour. He should see your point. Finally, you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.

    Like

    • 1) How comfortable are you leaving your house and living with your wife’s parents (something makes me feel the above comments are a male perspective and if they are a female’s .. god bless you my friend)?

      2) Are you ok with being woken up early in the morning and asked to do house hold chores and then going to office – all this ofcourse in your wife’s maternal home?

      3) WHat part of the LW’s – “When I try telling him that he says it’s common” letter makes you think the husband will understand if she tries talking to him again?

      4) This place is not an echo chamber sir.. It is a mirrored room where a set of logical people help you see the reality very clearly which is often obscured by a curtain of the so called traditions and exhortations of ‘well meaning’ realtives and friends ..

      5) Your comment – “but it might still be possible to salvage your marriage” – What is your definition of marriage? Understand that the traditional definitions of man being the provider and woman the caregiver no longer apply esp in scenarios like these. Both are earning so is’nt it logical that both should be contributing towards household work as well? What part of it is difficult to understand ?

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    • do you see any sense in what you have written????? she has no intention to salvage her marriage.. she has tried her best to accustom to the family but they only want to extract more and more from her but not giving back the much needed respect and love to her.. whats happening with her is pain abuse.. open up ur eyes.. god knows when such characters like you will vanish from this world for a better place for everyone to live happily and peacefully.. a 100 and more dislikes to your comment!!!!!

      Like

    • Looks like you are a guy.Have you ever got up and made breakfast for everyone not just for yourself for straight even15 days ?
      Housework is not the issue,…dumping every kind of chore ,responsibility of coming home from work and cooking for everyone is!.Everyday….whether the woman likes it or not.!
      I think housework is very important but also unending,….and tedious….and that’s why men don’t do it!
      Just yesterday,my 60yr neighbour boasted how her sons help their wives,……to clear plates from the table and put it in the sinks.In India,we can still hire people to clean our vessels,wash clothes…otherwise more and more marriages would be breaking over household chores,….men are simply because not doing enough housework without being asked,cajoled or begged to.

      Like

      • And Mr anon, why should she enumerate her household work in terms of money,….its invaluable. Husbands just need to find out how much fulltime housekeeper costs and what work she’ll do and not do.It is this kind of indifference to housework done by women which infuriates me !
        Since you like proverbs,..….Don’t open your mouth until you have walked in other man’s and woman’s shoes for a mile !

        Like

    • Anon you wrote ‘if you wanted to remain a princess who wakes ups at noon, you should have stayed with your parents forever’

      Thanks for these kind words.

      Listen up girls and women. If you want to be treated nicely stay at your parents place or your own place. Because the in laws place is not your place. Its not even your husbands but your in laws. They make the rules and you live or die by that.

      See this is what the guys do, dont they. They want to live as a prince so they never leave their kingdom. Dont ever expect that them to give up the throne for you.

      Please dont be naive and foolish girls. The guys are telling you the way it works and has always worked. Please listen to it.

      Thanks again Anon

      Like

      • LOL. Perfect comment. Except that I’d like to add one more thing:
        // the in laws place is not your place. Its not even your husbands but your in laws
        No, even if you had no in-laws around in your matrimonial home, don’t expect anything better. As long as their mother is around to keep you in your place, the husbands don’t show their handiwork that much. Without them, the husbands realize that there is no one to boss over you and they take up that job (of slave-driving you). And is atleast as bad or worse when the husband unleashes his high handedness, compared to when MIL does it. (I’m NOT saying that brides must stay with their ILs, but I’m trying to say that both the arrangements suck, and you are better off on your own than getting ensnared into “marriage”, unless the guy is one who truly knows & appreciates a woman’s value)
        So, girls, don’t imagine that your future guy will adore you & treat you delicately, and only ILs will ruin that. Reality is very different😦 Thanks to Ms. anonymous for extracting the valuable lesson for Mr. anon’s comments🙂

        Like

    • When the daughter in law alone wakes up at unearthly hours to serve the 15 members of her household before she heads off to work, it surely is torture. I don’t understand how you could consider that absolutely reasonable. Is it because you’re a man and always had breakfast ready by the time your alarm went off? Did you stop to think that your wife or mother woke up 2 hours ahead of your to prepare it after having slept 2 hours later than you did at night because they had to clean up after you?

      I don’t know why I even bothered replying to you. Please just go back and hide where the sun doesn’t shine. Goodbye.

      Like

    • Everyone should get off their high horse. I already agreed that it’s reasonable for her to expect her husband to share the household. The only disagreement I have is I wouldn’t call chores as “torture”. For other questions,

      1. “How comfortable are you leaving your house and living with your wife’s parents” – I am not. That’s why I won’t marry someone who wants me to move out. It’s as simple as that.

      2. “Are you ok with being woken up early in the morning and asked to do house hold chores and then going to office” – Yes. I have stayed alone for a decade and know what it takes to maintain a home including waking up early.

      3. “Both are earning so is’nt it logical that both should be contributing towards household work as well? What part of it is difficult to understand ?” – What part of “It’s understandable that you want your husband to help you in the chores ” don’t you understand ? And, the OP has only mentioned that she works, not that she contributes financially to the home.

      And, house hold work though significant is not invaluable. You can easily find a maid for 10,000 or Rs. 15,000 in many places. As I mentioned before, if one wants to remain a princess, stay with your parents. Marriage implies that you are a grown up person and not a brat and that you agree to manage the house hold both in terms of money and labor. It’s better to have these discussions before getting married so that you don’t make each other’s lives miserable.

      Like

      • Anon,
        You still haven’t answered,…..how many days in a row have you prepared breakfast for your dear parents by getting up early and then getting ready for full day at the office.
        When was the last time you washed everyone’s clothes,..of course by using a machine?
        The kind of labour you are expecting from ‘princesses’ is quite different than you yourself have done.You expect her to do other people’s work,…while staying alone for a decade you have done only chores for yourself!

        Like

      • Anon,
        On paper, your thoughts seem quite logical to you but reality is quite different,…..Indian men are not well trained by their mothers in household chores.They are not quite efficient simply because they don’t pay much attention there.So invariably, the load shifts onto the earning wife,….not so equitable distribution both in quality and quantity of the housework.
        So look around at other men and what work they do at home ,get off the high horse.

        Like

        • @anon
          After a certain age, women stop being ‘princesses’ in middle and lower middle class households in their parents homes. I don’t know a single princess since I ‘m middle class myself.
          Girls do the household chores, some earn part time and some work fulltime too.They take care of younger brothers and sisters and some take care of older parents.
          I don’t know which princesses you are talking about,..…where do you see them ? Higher middle class and extremely rich ? ? Well,since they are born rich, they are actually princesses !

          Like

      • You have compared your life with hers? How ridiculous. First of all, She did not say she is lazy to take care of herself every day (cooking, keep the house clean etc) which you are able to do as well. All of us can do that and are doing that. To be made to work for the house and cook for everyone and made to feel this is her life when she does not like it is wrong.

        Will you get up early morning, cook for your wife’s parents, clean the house, wash everyone’s dirty laundry and then say u are happy (even if u are not working). Is this acceptable to you?

        //1. “How comfortable are you leaving your house and living with your wife’s parents” – I am not. That’s why I won’t marry someone who wants me to move out. It’s as simple as that.

        Exactly. The LW is not comfortable in her new house. She doesn’t get to live her life this way. She did not know that her husband would not even hear her pleas. She never imagined she would be getting up every day and cleaning and cooking in the house. Is that what her life should be all about?

        It looks like you want to be a Prince sitting at your own home and taking care of just yourself! (As per your definition) And You clearly are not going to do any household work at your in laws place because you cleverly would never move there in the first place.

        Like

    • @anon,

      Are you doing anything you have stated in your comment? Can you wake up in the morning and do all the household chores and not complain? Why not practice what you preach? It is really easy to tell others to do things you can never do.

      Also, the LW wants to leave her husband not because of the house chores alone, he seems to not know how to treat and care for him wife and how to support her when she comes and asks him to help face things that are new to her. Frankly he doesn’t care. That is why she wants to leave.

      Like

    • I agree, “torture” does seem a little bit exaggerated in this story.

      The LW got married 7 months ago. In my country the first year of marriage is called a “glass year” : even if you are in love with your partner, it is not always easy to live together, it takes many compromises from both sides. Then I suspect the real issue in this instance is bad sex…

      Like

  19. Kudos on your decision–I definitely agree you should dump the guy and his family immediately.

    As for your parents–I don’t know if you’ve ever thought of this, but are there psychologists who do family therapy in your city? If possible, I suggest you find a legitimate therapist (with a PhD preferably) who’s practised abroad. Everyone airing out their issues with a neutral but qualified third party candidate works wonders for bringing people together (or respecting a family member’s personal decision even though they would disagree with it).

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  20. You seem to have ample common sense….do what it tells you for your own dignity, freedom from people who don’t care anything for you but want your labour, and for your own future. You are lucky to be working. Now you need to make your own life, and peace and quiet will follow. Why should you keep taking this abuse?

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  21. RESPONSE FROM THE EMAIL WRITER:
    Thank you so much for publishing it. I have read all the responses. I am strong I am happy. I am moving forward .
    For all people s doubt, it is an arranged marriage . I have the best friends set. They support of always. My husband is elder to me by 7 years. He is just a dancing puppet for his mom. I have tried explainin him. I have given him a choice to live alone with me.. but he is not ready. And now I am not ready to do anything more for him and his family.
    I know my parents will accept me at some point that too v soon. They love me, even they are hurt badly. Just scared about the society.

    I am not able to publish the reply there, so I have replied to you. Thank you so much.
    Thanks for all your support.

    Like

  22. LW,
    You go girl!! You have one sharp brain – a brain that sees reality as it is, and does not have a hazy vision composed of imaginary honor of being a “good DIL & wife”. Treasure that brain & that spirit of a child which does not want to be chained intellectually, but wants to realize its full potential. And take good care of yourself! As you are already doing, treasure yourself, and don’t sell yourself cheap.
    As many others have advised, the easier way is to first get out using your job as a reason instead of starting off with divorce topic. You can work that out later, but do be very careful while doing that as well – they might try to paint a picture that goes like “we loved her and even helped her get a job, but she ran away, and fell for someone else and is initiating a divorce”.
    Try to gather evidence for the real situation – For ex., you said you went for counseling. Keep those counseling records as proof, if they help.
    All the best! Take care!

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  23. I think you’re very brave to have decided to follow your own happiness and move to greener pastures. From personal experience I understand your worry about your parents- it can really haunt you. But from personal experience I also know that once they see you happy, their happiness will be twofold, and they will support you in every way they can. As much as we love them, remember that we also owe ourselves happiness in this lifetime. I wish you every luck in finding peace, love, and the joy of freedom in your heart🙂

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  24. Advice from firangi bahu – I am so proud of you – and your boldness, as you say. It seems you have tried everything you can and now it is time to move on. You don’t need to convince your parents – you do what is best for you. They were not living under those conditions, in a loveless marriage. Do your own thing first and they will come around. I am happy for your new life and wish you the best & cheers to brighter days ahead! Xo

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  25. Don’t end your marriage. Just go to different city and start working there….Ask your husband to come there with you. Spend some time alone with him. Then take your decision

    Like

  26. Pingback: And here is why women are so helpless in marriage issues and in their martial home. | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  27. Pingback: “I gathered all my courage and I have confessed about my relationship with the guy to my parents.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

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