“I want to take my own time, get a job, then think whether or not to get married. But, I can’t tell my parents all this.”

Even today, in most Indian families, self reliance for daughters is only an option – and Getting and Staying Married remains the goal. The challenge becomes tougher if a daughter is not an over achiever – has not found what she would like to do, or needs time (from her own life). 

Sharing an email.

I just cannot handle it anymore,,, i feel stuffed and it just so suffocating. I would like you to share this mail with you other readers so that i can get some honest suggestions from you and them.

I am 26 yrs old. but still unemployed. I wanted to achieve a hell lot in my life but see where i have landed that I dont even have a single financial support for myself, I have to beg my parents. I did a lot of blunders in my life topping them all was that when everybody was busy planning their careers I was way too busy maintaining my friendship.

I did b.com but from correspondence from Delhi later I did a Computer course and an Italian language course… none could help me find a “Decent job” as I wanted. So, I shifted my ways towards Government sector. I managed to clear certain levels of certain jobs but still couldn’t clear all the levels as a result I’m back to square once again.

My parents have always been supporting as I am the only girl they have. And I have a young brother… but he’s way to young. They have been encouraging all through… but its high time I know, now they also often tell me that you are our only daughter we had high dreams for you, but see where you are, you haven’t done well in anything in my life.

The issue now is, that my biggest mistake is that I am born In India as a GIRL… all my relatives are forcing my parents always as to why aren’t they getting me married till now?? What if i don’t have a job, why don’t they find a  business man… I feel like a trash.😦

This is not the life i wanted to live, all my friends are well settled in good jobs. But, I have nothing in my hand.

And now my biggest support even my parents have said they can’t take it anymore, they are really tensed because of me, they say society and relatives are not gonna leave us. And how long should we wait.

Honestly, trust me i am putting my 100% to my studies now to secure a position in Government job. But I just can’t concentrate anymore since they have discussed all this. I honestly want to prove myself to the world now, and not only that I also want to sit for I A S exams (it’s been my dad’s dream forever).

I don’t know what to do but I feel suffocated, somehow I am so so afraid of marriage that I don’t even want to hear about it. The moment someone says anything like this I get all tensed and my pulse rises. I really don’t want to end up like this. I have thought to suicide even but I don’t want to  die like a loser and prove my parents wrong that they supported me. But I really want to get out of here. If at all i want to get married, I want that feeling to come to me naturally when I find someone with whom I want to spend the rest of my life. I can’t share this with anybody else but you.

Please tell what shall I do?? Is it such a big crime to be born in India as Girl?? I dont’ feel happy like other girls when they are all excited to be married. I really feel like doing something. But I just need escape. Please tell me what to do. Please! I want to take my own time, to get into a job, get out of this rut, go out, explore and then on my own I want to think whether to get married or not. But, I can’t tell my parents all this. Yes, they are supportive (rather they were, now they are not) but they are not open enough to understand all this. Please tell me what to do.

– A Loser

Related Posts:

‘Daughters growing older, their egos becoming bigger, their attitudes and behavior becoming more boorish..’

Response from the email writer accused of betraying her “parents, country and culture by not having an arranged marriage”

“I have reached 26 and my parents have started pressurizing me. My BF is the same age. But my BF is youngest in family!”

Indian Shaadi Logic – by Prateek Shah

At what point should educated, 21st century women who can think liberally for themselves, take responsibility for themselves…

A detailed check list of conditions from modern young women of marriageable age.

“Only thing I can can think of now is to take a spoon of boiling oil and put on my cheeks. I will see then who marries a girl with a burnt face”

18 questions for young women (and men) of ‘marriageable age’.

Early and arranged marriages within the community prevent social ills.

How important is it for an Indian girl to get married?

36 thoughts on ““I want to take my own time, get a job, then think whether or not to get married. But, I can’t tell my parents all this.”

  1. It is not good to be undr pressure for anything; not even your own achievements (or lack thereof).
    To me you appear to be perfectly normal person who is being focussed on ONE issue that (you feel) matters. Unfortunately, being too focussed also has a downside – we cannot see other alternatives. And you are being judgementl about yourself.
    Why be against marriage? It’s as if its either this or that!…. why cant you think of having both? Why not be open to looking for a suitable partner who would support you in your quest for IAS exam and/or any job!
    Keep your mind open- you will feel less pressurised and being relaxed will help you achieve more.
    To get a free holistic solution please visit http://healings.co.in/ – you may be surprised at the results.

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  2. Your problem is not that you are born a girl in India, but that at the age of 26, you have never held down a job! I understand that things have not clicked for you, but you simply cannot expect your parents to support you any longer. You have to woman up and find something to do.

    I am not sure what you mean by you were “way too busy maintaining my friendship”. We all maintain our friendships and do a whole lot of other stuff too. There is nothing unique about maintaining friendships. I simply don’t understand what you mean here.

    You also say that you “managed to clear certain levels of certain jobs”. Why not take up a lower level job then as a starting point? You don’t have to start with the boss. Let’s face it, you are in a bind now and you need to take action. Even if you are putting 100% now in your studies, you ought to do it in your spare time. Keep proving yourself to the world aside, and concentrate on being independent, both financially and otherwise.

    All this seems to have got to you. You are not trash but you simply cannot blame your position on being born a girl. You don’t have to get married if you don’t want to. But your parents really are not entitled to support you any longer. If you have a younger brother, think of their responsibilities for him and for their own old age. How much longer do you expect them to support you?!

    In short, GET A JOB! Be realistic. IAS is fine, but until then, how are you going to eat? Try applying in call centres, they always have plenty of vacancies. There must be other options where you can exploit some of your strengths. If you are proficient in Italian, ask IHM for my email ID and I can put you in touch with translation agencies. Alternatively, you can also contact me via my blog.

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    • I agree with Fem here. Let’s not blame everything on gender here. LW, you can do as you wish, but if you want to be financially supported by someone, then you will have to listen to them too. You can be truly independent only if you live with your own money. Get a job, even if small. Support yourself while you study or whatever else it is that you want to do.

      Take heart and be strong. You are not trash. You are just someone who hasn’t realized her full potential yet. You are capable of great things but the first step is to take ownership and stop laying the blame on someone else’s door.

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    • “none could help me find a “Decent job” as I wanted”

      What is a decent job exactly? Everyone starts at the bottom, you cant think your above certain jobs. You are 26 with no work experience, not exactly a desirable candidate. Beggars cant be choosers. Thinking certain jobs are beneath you is not a great attitude to have.

      You need take some personal responsibility. Your problems are not gender related. Your parents are probably getting tired of supporting a 26 year old adult. You don’t seem to be too serious about getting a job (if you were, you would happily take any position even if they weren’t “decent”).

      You are 26 and financially supported by you’re parents, you shouldn’t act surprised that they believe they have some say in you’re life. Want to be independent, go get a job.

      @ Fem

      I think the “way too busy maintaining my friendship” was referring to a relationship. I have heard people from India refer to relationships with boyfriends as “friendships”. So I am thinking instead of focusing on school she was too wrapped up in some guy and prioritizing that before all else. That’s what I thought anyways.

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    • I think I know this ‘maintaining friendships’ bit. I joined DU for my masters with high expectations, to top just as I topped in my bachelors… and instead I got sooo carried away with my friends gang. They were not bad people mind you. But they, used to the Delhi education system, could do better than me with 1/4th of my effort. They could never understand me swotting. Slowly I started giving in. My marks suffered. But I wouldn’t dream of blaming my friends.

      I chose to leave my assignments and chat with them.. My Choice to go out rather than study… My Choice to go to canteen for gossip and people watching. Everything was my choice albeit (peer pressure helped too). LW, please take responsible for your own actions. Its not pleasant. But it will help a lot.

      I got a job and have been working ever since. Its not that I am not doing well. I am doing well in my career just as well as the person who topped. Score is not a criteria at all when it comes to job opportunities. But my dream of doing an M.phil and then going abroad for further research got shattered because I scored only 54%. And no decent university will accept me as a student with this score.

      Lately a friend’s encouraging words rekindled my old passion for Academics. At present I am doing another Masters from Ignou (distance edu) for which I intend to score well. Im 28 now. People tell me is to late for any M. phil plans and I a already overqualified (2 diplomas ad 2 masters degree).

      And yes, its hectic managing job studies plus pressure for marriage from home. But it can be possible.
      I’m still living with the regret of wasting my time in the university on frivolous things instead of focusing on scoring 60%+.

      IHM, sorry for the long comment. I just wanted to tell the lw that its never too late to organize your life and follow your dreams. Taking responsibility for your action is first step. Second is of course financial independence (a part time job since you’re preparing for civils)…

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  3. Dear LW,

    What you are going through right now is what is happening to so many young Indian women these days. Like IHM says, Getting and Staying Married remains the goal for most parents with daughters especially those who haven’t achieved much or are still dependent on their parents.

    One thing I can tell you is that everything that happens in life, always happens for a reason. Don’t regret the decisions you have made in the past because at that point in life, you felt that it was the best thing for you to do. These choices you made were made because of something you had in your mind. I can tell you that these courses you have done won’t be a waste of time. Maybe you won’t see the benefits of doing those right now but they will come to your aid at the right time.
    Whatever you have done in the past is done & there is absolutely no point in regretting those decisions.
    Right now you don’t have a job & I know that it hurts being dependent even after studying so much, but what you doing right now is a huge deal. Studying for one of the most prestigious examinations is no joke. It’s something you need to take pride in & give your 100% as you have mentioned. Calling yourself a loser doesn’t do you justice. It takes a lot of guts, patience & hard work to do what you are doing right now. I think you’re awesome!

    Coming to your parents, this is quite difficult as they seem to have come under the influence of the society we live in. It’s even more difficult as you can’t move out due to financial restraints. You need to make it clear to them that there is no point talking to you about marriage at this point in your life as you currently are pursuing something that needs 100% of your time & attention & that anything else would be distraction. You need to tell them that marriage will happen when the time is right & when you meet the right person & now isn’t the time to discuss this. You need to tell them clearly that they need to trust you, that despite whatever has happened in the past, you now have a clear view of what you want in the future & marriage isn’t it. You can tell them getting married right now would be the worst possible decision for you right now as it wouldn’t just affect you but even the person you would get married to.

    If they still aren’t ready to listen or trust you, I would suggest looking for another place to stay like with a friend who would be ok with you paying for everything as soon as you get a job. I know working & studying for the IAS is difficult but if you can then try to look for a part-time job that can atleast pay for the essentials.

    Ultimately every decision in your life needs to made by you. Don’t let others make it for you, either by force or blackmail, even if they say they are doing it for your good because no one other than you knows what’s best for you.
    Just believe in yourself & I wish you all the luck in the world.

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  4. 1)Be patient.

    2)Sometimes good times come late.

    3)At least you have the support of your family.

    4)It could be worse. What if you were a boy? Imagine a 28 year old boy, unemployed and therefore unable to marry too? In your case, you do not wish to marry, but you are not ineligible for marriage. If you suddenly find someone you would like to be married to, your present unemployment will not be a constraint or disqualification.

    5)Don’t rule out marriage. It may give you the solution, if you marry the right boy. What if your husband runs his own business or is self employed? You could join the business and help him out and be gainfully employed.

    6)While trying to get a job, have hobbies to keep yourself occupied. Anything will do. Music, arts/crafts/ painting, writing, learning, driving, cooking, sewing, embroidery, giving tuitions etc. See what is best for you.

    7)If nothing seems to work, then take a bold step. Instead of looking for a job try giving jobs! Yes, it’s possible. I succeeded. After more than 30 years of being a salaried employee I became an entrepreneur during my mid fifties and gave jobs to 17 persons and ran a company of my own till I had to give up for reasons of age and health. Depending on your aptitude, find a source for self employment. The USA (California) is full of young Indian women in their late twenties and thirties who are self employed. Depending on their level of education they choose their vocation. Even with barely a high school education, I know ladies who run a catering business from their homes and do well. Even here in India, my sister in law (wife’s younger sister) who was in the same predicament as you, teamed up with four friends and ran an English speaking training center during the 1970s from a hired Car Garage in a decent residential locality. All they had to invest in was a blackboard, some benches and folding chairs. Good English and a BA degree were all the qualifications she and her friends had. Housewives, hesitant to speak in English, boys and girls from middle class families who had studied in Regional language medium schools and knew some written English but were poor in conversation were their main students. She made a roaring success of it before marriage to an NRI ended it all! The classes continued for years run by other friends in her group.

    My Aunt, at the age of 80, sells silk saris from her home and has an arrangement with leading silk houses in the city to sell to middle aged ladies who find it inconvenient to commute in traffic to the main silk sari shops. My cousin runs an estate agency. With practically no investment, he puts people looking for flats in touch with people seeking to sell flats, assists in paperwork and documentation and gets a small percentage of the sale value as his commission. Small percentages of large sale values yield a significant income.

    Another lady known to me was widowed and she invested in two vans after taking a bank loan and employed two drivers and ran a successful business transporting kinder garten kids to and from school in an area starved of transport facilities for school children.

    I have quoted these as examples just to encourage you.
    Wish you all success.
    Regards
    GV

    Liked by 1 person

    • I completely oppose point 5 because one should not get married just because one needs a job!!!!!

      But I think points 6 and 7 are really brilliant pieces of advice. If the market is not giving her a job, she should just create one for herself. It can start small, but it will grow as things always do. If she starts working on some hobbies, she can even use them to make money. Nice range of ideas you have given, GV.

      I frankly think the IAS train has left the station, even though she has about 4 more years to try. But then realistically speaking, if she spends all her time for an IAS and has never even worked before in any way, who will employ her after she is 30 (if she doesn’t get through)? If she wants to continue with the IAS, she should do so along with working at a job or things might get worse

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      • “I completely oppose point 5 because one should not get married just because one needs a job!!!!!”

        I don’t think that was what was meant by that. If she does meet someone whom she likes right now, who is able to offer stable career prospects for her that she truly likes and wants to do, that’s not wholly bad either, and she shouldn’t turn that down without a second thought.

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    • I don’t agree at all with point 4. NO ONE should be getting married without first having worked and been independent. I read this point to imply that an unemployed woman can get married, because her employed parter will support her. But not the other way around. Why the double standard?

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  5. Hi LW !
    It’s seems that you are using being a girl as an excuse ! And I’m not saying this to be mean to you or to make you feel bad. I am saying this so that you get a grip on reality. If you really wish to be independent and in charge of your own life then you need to be financially independent first. It’s your choice to get married or not but don’t expect others to finance your life.Your Parents are under no obligation to provide for you.
    And you are not a loser, be positive about what you have- you are educated and have many options, exercise them.
    Talk to your parents and ask them for some more time.You need to have faith in yourself and start looking for a job, you may not get what you are looking for immediately but be persistent and keep looking for it while working to support yourself.
    Also, marriage or relationships needn’t be something dreadful when you are in control of your life- especially your finances. Being independent is a necessary, though not sufficient, condition for an equal relationship.

    Best of luck !

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  6. I think you’re failing at getting jobs because you’re not trying for a career you’re really interested in. I think you’re too caught up in getting A job without really understanding that you need to be good at what you do, and enjoy it at least to a certain degree to have some kind of happiness in your work.
    Sure, your dad wants you to be an IAS officer, but is that really what YOU want to do?

    Are you simply hopelessly trying to get job after job, and go around thinking “ANY job is okay”?
    Cos that’s not the right method of looking for a job.Yeah, I know, we need a job to survive, and it’s not an easy world out there. But employers are not looking to hire desperate people who want a job cos they want to survive. They want someone who can do a *good* job. Even if you’re currently unskilled, work experience will give you skills you never learned in school if you went to the traditional Indian school (which, from your mail, I am assuming you did. I did too, and it sucked).

    So I would suggest applying for small jobs in a field that you’re at least remotely interested in. Be earnest, be hungry to do a good job, work hard.

    Simply refuse to get married. Don’t give in to pressure. You have to be strong for yourself, for your life.
    Once you start respecting yourself (start by not calling yourself a loser. I feel like you’re just misguided and trying to do the wrong thing), you will gain respect from others as well.

    It’s hard, I know. Believe me, I’ve been there. Mail me if you need any help. (leave a comment on my blog and I’ll mail you).

    And cheer up! Things will be fine!🙂

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  7. You need to be practical.Narrow down 2-3 fields in which u would enjoy working,..then start working at any job in that field. You need to start doing things instead of imagining.
    If your parents show good boys meet them too,….get to know them and their mentality.Keep reading,keep doing things that you like and gain expertise in that,….cooking,cleaning,sewing,knitting, ……whatever.Keeping your mind and body busy by doing useful things that you like is the best thing you can do for yourself.It keeps depression and negativity away.
    BTW, running a business is not easy.So, business men are smart ppl too.You need to change your mind abt that too.

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    • I agree running a business is not easy. Been there. Done that.
      Most new business ventures close down after some years.
      Some just plod along,

      I was recommending being self employed, as a way to gain entry into business.
      Start with a very small investment, that you can afford to lose, if things don’t work out. Plough back the earnings into the venture to increase turnover. Take time before you start to enjoy the returns.

      Business ventures are for seasoned people, with a flair for risk taking, and with a safety net in place in case the business bombs. I was not recommending that for her at this stage.

      But, I also found many businesses, started off as small self employment ventures and later grew into full fledged businesses.

      Regards
      GV

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  8. “Please tell what shall I do?? Is it such a big crime to be born in India as Girl??”

    The problem isn’t that you were born a girl. The problem is exactly what you said in your e-mail. The fact that you have been relatively aimless in the direction you want to take, career-wise, and as a result haven’t settled anything yet at a time when nearly every other peer in your age group seems to “have it together”. I hate to say it, but what you’re doing right now is attempting to deflect the blame for your own past mistakes into something that has little or nothing to do with it.

    Of course, just because a girl hasn’t fully found a stable career is absolutely no reason to get her “married off and settled”. While I won’t say that men in India are given eons to become stable wage-earners, the fact remains that they are given more years than women are in order to develop their careers. And that’s what you need, Another year, perhaps more, to clear your exams and find something that you like doing that is steady.

    My advice to you would be to ignore the marriage talks. It’s difficult to tune out the voices, but you have to do what you have to do. Don’t bother getting tensed up when people bring up the topic. Try to explain to your parents that marriage will not work out for you unless you feel as though you have made something of yourself and can contribute positively to the relationship (believe me, having a bad self-esteem in any sense is not a positive contribution). Explain to them that if you’re not happy with yourself, how can you be happy with a relationship? If they continue to persist, and bring forward grooms, just politely turn them down and get back to your studies. Don’t make the same mistakes you made in your earlier years by neglecting them for the sake of friendships or for the sake of pressure. Trust me, if you do, it won’t be long into the future before you feel much much worse about yourself than you do now.

    Stay strong, try not to waver. It’s not easy to resist such pressure, and many people have caved before, and their lives have only become that much unhappier. You know what you want for yourself, and don’t be afraid to go after it. And when you do feel like you’re in a good place, and ready to get married, that marriage will be a much happier one than whatever match you make at this point in your life.

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    • Also, thinking of yourself as “a loser” and “trash” is probably the worst negative feedback loop to be in. Because the more you define yourself by those terms, the more you do to make those things a reality. You’re not trash. You’re not a loser. Positive thinking isn’t the best solution to everything, but in this situation, you definitely need to think of yourself better. You’re doing the best you can. You’ve made mistakes. But you have recognized that you need to fix them. You are on the right path now. And things will get better.

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  9. 1. Sorry to say but this has nothing to do with you being girl. A guy who has never hold a job till 26 will be even in bigger trouble

    2. You need a plan. A plan with practical approach to look for jobs

    3. Think about marriage with a clear mind once. Then decide whether you want to get married or no. Than stick with your decision. Don’t merge marriage decision with job
    decision.

    4. You need to have timelines. How long are you willing to wait for marriage in order to search jobs? That is one very crucial question you will need to answer. Without this you will be still be asking the same question after few months.

    Once you decide the time line your parents will backoff. Without a plan and a time-line they won’t trust that your future will be any different from your past. It wil give them something certain while forcing you to evaluate your situation and acting on it one way or other

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  10. I have been pretty much in the same place as you. Sitting at home, preparing for exams and not getting through in spite of all the effort. Some of my friends are also stuck in the same predicament you are, we are also 26 and yes marriage is always hanging like a sword in front of us.
    Is it only a government job you want or are you open to jobs in the private sector for the time being? Can you pursue some course which increases your employ-ability?
    I have some suggestions based on experience, hope you find them useful:
    1. If you want to stay on the current path- Preparing for your exam is important, for the sake of your dreams. Also, perseverance is a desirable quality. But being financially independent, at the age of 26 is also equally important. At least so you don’t have to ask for money from your parents. Try content writing or tutoring children in your locality or online tutoring. A friend i know is supporting herself through online jobs, like content writing and editing, along with online tutoring, these jobs don’t take up much time and you earn enough to get by. She is also preparing for her exams along with it. It is not the best option, but at some level this independence will help you feel more confident, improve your bargaining power in front of your parents along with taking some burden off them, and you get time to study.
    2. Willing to try jobs in the private sector- Get an internship. Work experience is extremely important, so that employers know you have done something with your time. It might not pay much but it will be a start. The more the number of years you spend unemployed, the more difficult it gets for you to get a job eventually, in case IAS does not happen. You could also get jobs based on your computer course. They might not be much to start with, but you are adding work ex to your resume, along with helping you become financially self-dependent. And you can always learn while you earn. It will be hard work but the option remains open.
    3. Do not compare yourself to your friends. They might be successful in the paths they chose but you shall soon reach there. Only that the path you chose is different and requires more effort. But then rewards will also come in time and maybe commensurate with your efforts. Work on yourself, add new skills.
    4. Keep your options open. Scout for opportunities(newspapers, online portals) and grab what comes your way. And you will find some such opportunity. Today, there are a thousand options as long as you are willing to try them out. And some you might even like.
    5. Do not expect your parents to keep understanding. Relatives make life difficult, more so for your parents. But if you start doing something which is generating return, as in working and earning, it will help. Psychologically your parents will be comforted by the fact that your life is starting off on some track and then they maybe supportive. Also, saying that ‘My daughter works at so and so’ will help them ward off relatives whose sole intent in life is to see you married. It helped in my case. I don’t earn much but no one cares about that. What matters is, you be settled with a job. Even if you don’t like it for now. Things will get better.
    6. Career and marriage are not alternatives. You can have both. I wish people did not see them as an alternative for women. But marriage is dependent on finding the right guy. The age ideally should not even be a concern but sadly in our social set up, age matters more than the guy you might end up marrying. Or your happiness. But financial self dependence will give your the right to say no. And the confidence to live life the way you want to. So do not give in to any pressure. Work towards financial self dependence and eventually your dreams, but don’t give in to any emotional blackmail. Make a priority list and go through it every day. It will help you in using your time in working towards the top priorities. And help in removing all the distracting thoughts/worries from your mind.

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  11. Dear LW,
    Your life is what you make out of it, so make up plan A,B ,C to fall back on if A doesn’t work out! And you don’t need to take marriage out if the picture, it can wait until you find your suitable partner. Socialize / explore various avenues for jobs/ studies and stay focused once you’ve decided on something! All the best

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  12. Dear LW,

    Not everyone has a roaring career at 20’s but everyone does something , earn A living, you have the basic education, start somewhere and growth and a great career will follow. I understand IAS s your dads ambition for you, is it yours? Sitting at home prepping for ths at such a late stage is ok but set limits, how many attempts are you giving yourself?
    I feel bad saying this but if you were my daughter I would not force you to get married but I would certainly expect and ask you about your plans for self reliance . Why should you be troubled by your parents telling u to get married, talk to them tell them o give you a set time to become self relant. Reasonable time. And go about it.
    My dear the 20s are the time to build up your education, to take risks without much repercussions , time to build on life’s foundations, this is not the time to waste.
    Make a realistic plan and stick to it, even IAS … Give yourself a set time and move on. Dn not waste the st of your 20’s.

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  13. I don’t have additional advice to the LW, most of what I could have said has already been said. I can only wish her all the best.

    On a generic note, I really think girls should stop seeing self-reliance as an ‘option’. If you look for a Provider in a marriage and expect to enjoy an affluent lifestyle without working for it (one of the earlier emails), then don’t expect a Partner. Because Providers CAN’T be Partners. Don’t expect an ‘equal relationship’ because equal rights come with equal responsibilities. Same applies for parents too. I’ve seen this attitude in a lot of girls (friends, cousins and colleagues) who don’t take financial independence and/or career seriously. If you don’t respect yourself and stand on your feet, how can you expect anyone else to respect your rights?

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  14. There is nothing wrong with your focus and that you so want to get a ‘decent’ job. You have good parents as well. Time to intensify that focus and try for jobs that start you off, so many suggestions above and then go on from there. You may not get the big spot immediately but work your way with experience and application. You don’t seem to have the disadvantages of being a girl in India and why do you call yourself a loser? You are so young, just hang in there and sharpen your focus. And bless you. And good luck.

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  15. Hello LW,
    Of all the letters published here, the way you describe your life, I really don’t think being born a girl is the major issue. Like many others here, I feel that you seem to be taking the easy way out – blaming your life on something out of your control i.e., being born a girl, rather than having the courage to face up to the fact that your choices have determined your present circumstances.
    I strongly urge that you drop the word “loser” to describe yourself. You aren’t one. You made some decisions and choices, based on information available to you at a certain time; importantly, you had a certain expectation from your decision, this did not happen. Now you find yourself in a bind. If loser is how you see yourself, loser is how you will come across in a conversation, in a cover letter, in an interview…
    You need to own up to your issues first –
    1. Getting a decent job – I sense that there is a mismatch between your qualifications and ambition. Understand what potential employers want, and what you have to offer. A decent job is not decent because of either the pay or the title of your position. A decent job is where you find fulfillment for doing a professional service – this can be as simple a task as preparing tea or making telecalls.
    2. Be brutally honest about your prospects – Not everyone has the intellect or the luck to make it through IIT/IAS/IIM. You can fool yourself into saying that you are preparing for exams, and the whole world is conspiring to preventing you from getting what you deserve. Instead, it is better to understand what you are good at, and in what job those skills would be useful. Make a list of what you like doing and match it to jobs. For e.g., if through your BCom you enjoyed number crunching, may be an accountant would be willing to take you as an apprentice.
    3. Work with your parents – Thus far, your parents have been supportive of your aspirations, and you are looking at the situation only from your point. Perhaps, seeing you from their eyes – a financially-dependent adult, staying with them, and being rather scattered about what she wants to do in life – might help to see why they feel the way they are? Show your parents that you have a plan, and how to are going to go about achieving it. Be disciplined, and through your actions regain their confidence that you know what you are doing.
    Good luck.

    Like

  16. “The issue now is, that my biggest mistake is that I am born In India as a GIRL”

    This post shows everything that is wrong with the way feminists view patriarchy. This woman is 26 years old and doesn’t have a job and clearly doesn’t have the ability to get one. If she had been born as a BOY, it would have been an even greater crime! The parents would have threatened to throw him out of the house by now. If they let him stay, each mouthful of rice would have come with a taunt about his unemployed status.

    Instead her parents are offering to get her married to a businessman and enjoy lifelong economic security. And she feels thats something to complain about…

    Its a crime to be born a girl, but an even greater crime to be born a boy. This person would do well to look around and see if there are any 26 year old boys with no job, no education who are sitting and eating on their parents’ money….

    Like

    • “Its a crime to be born a girl, but an even greater crime to be born a boy.”

      Yes. What a crime to be spared humiliation, suffering, a systematic curtailment of your rights, the threat of being aborted as a fetus simply for your gender, the threat of being raped for making decisions about what you want to wear, the threat of violence for not complying with the larger aims of patriarchy, and in worst cases, death for not subjecting yourself to the “natural” order of things. That is totally the same as being told that as a grown adult, you should be in charge of your own finances. What a crime, telling someone to act their age.

      You MRA’s will never, ever stop with the false equivalencies, will you? Nor will you stop with the completely unwarranted victim complex that has resulted from women actually standing up for themselves and chipping away at the power you’ve been given for absolutely no reason. At the end of the day, the only thing you are angry about is the fact that 100% of the power no longer rests with you, and it probably never will. And maybe, instead of naming those “feminists” to blame, you and your like could try your hand at growing up for a change.🙂

      Like

    • An unjust society is bad for everyone- men and women.
      Men and women both have their set of problems due to this society which discriminates on the basis of a person’s gender but do we really need to make it a competition of who has got it worse ?!

      Both men and women need to work together to create a society which treats everyone fairly without consideration of a person’s attributes.

      Like

      • “do we really need to make it a competition of who has got it worse ?”

        Certainly not. She started it. I just tossed it back to her. In any case, I dont see anything unjust about parents not wanting to provide for a fully grown 26 year old child, son or daughter.

        Like

  17. Advice from Firangi bahu –
    you are only 26, for god sakes! Your life is just starting! DO NOT give in to societal pressures and get married, society will not be walking in your shoes so you have to do what is best for you! Learn to tune out the negativity! Pursue your career, your dream job could come to you next week! Let love find you naturally! Don’t settle!! And don’t give up!!!

    Like

  18. i Guess , i too can see what’s going on with you, i am 27 & started doing jobs with nominal salary and experience has given me a job i wanted to do, and also i always stuck to only one stream and never tried to try jobs which is not of my field ,as this always helped to add into experience.
    i wish you all the best and wish you get through this soon, thinking and writing about your situation is a good start and i am sure all replies and comments will help you more to analyse and conclude quickly .. take care🙂

    Like

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