“I have realized that at 20 when I started dating him I never thought much but today I have issues with all the above points.”

Emotional Abuse would be easier to recognise and deal with, if lessons of Obedience and Adjustment were replaced with mutual respect and equal right to happiness, justice, self reliance and freedom for all. 

But how can we talk about abusive boyfriends when we (as a society) are so busy banning Choice Marriages and Valentine’s Day?
Sharing an email. 

Dear IHM,

I have been following your blog regularly and now I am at a crucial stage in life where I need or rather want to take a decision and thus have turned to you and your readers. I am 23 and currently in my final year MBA. I have been in a relationship with a guy who is now 29 for the last 3 years.

I belong to a fairly liberal family with both my parents working. When I say liberal I mean that I was always allowed my freedom, my mother and I would discuss my crushes, my family has never till date told me what I need to wear, whom I should not talk to, has never advised me how to behave and has never advised me to stay away from boys. I was always allowed to go on college trips with boys and girls and was never monitored during those trips. Very rarely have my parents stopped me from doing what I wanted in my life till date.

My parents knew this guy as my friend but from the time I told them about my relationship with him, they are against it. They have not resorted to emotional blackmail, or threats but my father and mother have sat down with me and have discussed with me as to why they think this will not work for me and have told me that they are not willing to support me in this.

The guy comes from a very traditional family background where girls are not sent to college and are married off as soon as they turn 18 years. His own sister was married off at 19 when she was in second year of college and was given a hefty dowry and to this date her family still demands money and gifts and the girl also thinks that its her brothers duty to fulfill her needs.She lives in the same city but spends more than 15 days at her parents place and is always cribbing that her parents and brother are not taking care of her and her husband. Her husband does not work, has taken loans from a lot of people and in order to escape paying suddenly vanished from the scene. My BF was expected to pay all the money and bring him back. This is a recurring phenomenon and nobody questions.

My parents are just not comfortable with this. Also in the past there have been many instances where I have myself had doubts regarding his and his family behaviour like:

1. The guy lied to me about his sister’s family situation. In fact he told me that his sister is married to a very nice guy and that they make the perfect couple.

2. He also lied to me about his name: He has a very long name and so uses initials for it. So when I asked him what all the initials meant he lied to me by replacing his actual name with some other name and I did not know of this till his friend actually told me about it.

3. He lied to him that his father was a successful businessman, on the contrary his father does not work and shut his business many years ago. When I asked him this, he said that his father had serious health complications because of which they had to shut down and then on another occasion he told me that actually his father is incapable of handling business and hence shut it.

4. Everyone in his family knows about me but he never volunteered to introduce me to them. Finally, after a lot of persuasion from my end he took me to meet his family not to their home but to another town where his family had gone for a pilgrimage. There I found out that they had booked 2 rooms for 8 of us which included his sister’s family and his parents and us. In the night everyone except his father slept in 1 room and me, the guy and his father slept in another room with me and the guy on the floor and his father on the bed. I was very uncomfortable with this arrangement but just kept quite. It was the first time I was meeting them and I was very uncomfortable.

5. The next time he took me to his hometown where his parents and sister lived. Though his extended family knew about me, from the moment I entered their house there were instructions given to me very subtly about how I must not step out the house as nobody should see me. I did not understand why they wanted to hide the fact that I was visiting.

6. He has severe temper issues i.e. even if I am late by 5 mins when we are going for a movie he will start shouting and then he will stop talking to me. It takes immense efforts to make him normal. but on the contrary, he can come late and I must understand and not make an issue. I find this very wrong.

7. I also don’t understand another thing: he is always available as in he just steps out of work at any random time and insists that I meet him. I am then expected to bunk classes and come to meet him and even if I have exams the next day he will insist on going out and if I refuse he will say that since I did not come to meet him, I should not even talk to my friends on the phone or even step out to have dinner.

8. He has very bad work ethics and I feel he is not professional because he always skips important meetings at work and tells his colleagues to cover up for him which I hate absolutely. He even takes a lot of unscheduled leaves and gives his ID card to his colleagues and asks them to swipe on his behalf and log on to his system and reply to his mails. He tells me that he is very smart and so can manage all this at work which I find very disturbing.When I question him, he says he can do anything to spend time with me.

9. He always expects me to be dressed impeccably i.e. not a strand of hair should be out of place, clothes preferably only cotton salwars neatly ironed with a duppatta in place and if I am not neatly dressed even on one occasion he starts sulking and does not even talk to me properly. Is it really so important to be dressed up always even if its just for a casual outing to a coffee shop?

10. He has very strong views about homosexuality – one of my friends is homosexual and so he wants me to stop talking to my friend because he believes that its not our culture.

11. For some strange reason he hates my dad, even as a friend when I would call him home, he would never make any attempts to talk to my dad or even strike a conversation. He tells me that I should not trust my dad, I do not know why but he insists that my dad is bad.

12. When we are out, he constantly comments about other women i.e. they are fat or thin or beautiful etc but if I look at a guy, then I am doomed.

13. These days he has also started telling me what dowry he would get if he would marry the arranged marriage way and asks me if my father will give anything at all to him. Also, whenever we are out and if his sister calls, he never tells her that he is with me, instead lies that he is with some other friend.

14. Also, I recently found out that he has two facebook profiles: one with his original name and details and his friends and another profile with the name he told me and a different date of birth and strangely only his and my common friends in the list. When I asked him he simply dodged the question and gave some vague random reply like he wants to keep me and our part of his life separate which I did not even understand. When I questioned about the name he said that since we first met with that as his name he wants to continue with that.. I am really surprised.

Now my mother and father do not know all the above details except about his family and sister issues and they are against our relationship for that reason, but ever since I have also started thinking about our relationship and after much thought I have realized that at 20 when I started dating him I never thought much but today I have issues with all the above points. I tried talking to him and from that day onwards he has started emotional blackmail – says that I am cheating him now and that he cannot live without me, his life has no meaning without me etc.Today he has even called my best friend and told her that I am behaving very rudely and that he will not be able to live if I continue behaving like this. I am really worried and stressed out and to top it all I have my final project submission next week. He just does not let me concentrate on my project and since I stopped answering his calls, he sends me messages saying he is sick, admitted to a hospital and has even told my friend the same and asked her to convince me to talk to him. I am really worried as I do not want to loose my degree and also I am unable to bear his emotional messages. I don’t know if I should ignore all the above issues or if I should just leave him. If I leave him, I am worried he might really do something and that my life will be ruined. Also, now that he knows my parents are against our relationship, he is pressurizing me to pack my bags and run away from home after my project submission and then lodge a complaint against my dad and seek protection. He says that if I love him I should leave my family and I am really not ready for it. Please help me..I have not told my parents all this as they will be worried and will really freak out and get tensed but at the same time I do not know how to handle it.

Thanks in advance for your help.

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An email: An Old fashioned boy friend and a Liberal girl friend.

118 thoughts on ““I have realized that at 20 when I started dating him I never thought much but today I have issues with all the above points.”

  1. Dear Letterwriter,

    I’m going to be frank and say that this sounds like a shopping list of hideous qualities to watch out for in your boyfriend. One or two of these qualities itself would be a deal-breaker, all 14 of them are horrifying.

    You’re a smart person with a nice family. Don’t sell yourself short to this utter idiot who has no idea how the world is changing, and instead chooses to stick himself into a backward enterprise. There’s no respect, no equality, and no love, because I’m sorry, love that hinges on things like what you wear and “secret Facebook profiles” is weird and manipulative.

    You notice these issues now; they’re never going to go away. This isn’t a question of how to handle your parents. It’s a question of when you’re going to break up with your boyfriend.

    Like

  2. Dear letter writer,
    Your letter has red flags screaming all through.

    Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who’s lied to you and who doesn’t treat you with respect?

    What joy, if at all any, will you get from being manipulated in the long run?
    If he doesn’t treat you with honesty, respect & kindness now, what makes you think he will do so after marriage?
    If he can lie to you about his name, about his sister’s marriage and his father’s business, what makes you think he will not lie to you about other important things later on?
    Has he made any effort at all to control his temper, or set things right with you?

    And these are only the points you’ve been able to see in your love struck state. Chances are you’ve glossed over many other of his other shortcomings since you’re so in love with him.

    After writing points 1-14 : do you really want to be in a relationship with a guy like that? Step back for a minute – if you had a say younger sister or cousin, who confided in you about this guy – what would you advise her to do?

    The decision is yours. It’s your life after all.

    For what it’s worth, I think you should run like crazy – AWAY from this guy. You’ll feel miserable for a while, but you’ll get over it. Stick with him and chances are quite high you’ll be miserable all your life.

    Your parents sound like good folks. Am sure they’ll help you tide over this phase.

    SUMMARY: get away from this guy, and never look back. You deserve better.

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  3. Pls get out now when you can, cause this will only get worse.

    you are used to an independent liberal lifestyle; when u get married to him, u will be expected to look after the whole family + dowry issues(irrespective of u being against it) . You will soon reach a point that u will feel suffocated…

    Get out now when you can.. take ur friends help, change ur number, tell ur folks that he is pressurizing u to get married and u want to end this. U need help to get out of this emotional blackmail from your loved ones – ur friends and family.

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  4. You have to break it off with him. Just read through the post and the points you wrote about him, if that isn’t a screaming warning sign, i don’t know what is. You have your whole life ahead of you, and you do not need to be shackled to a man like this. Talk to your parents or friends you trust about his behaviour and have them help you through the break up. It might seem hard now, but you will come out of it for the better.

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  5. RUN BABY RUN
    The only advice that I can give you and which you already know is “Run Baby Run”. you may have to file a police complaint in future if he acts very brave and try to harm you (trust me..it will likely come..atleast emotionally blackmail)..But some people back off nicely if they see that your parents are supporting you…

    Whatever be it, you cannot be happy with this guy or family…Stay unmarried, cry for two years…but you will be blessed in the end..

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    • I agree about filing a police complaint if he starts acting crazy after you break up with him. But hopefully it won’t get to that. Your parents seem to be open minded yet objective, rational folks. I would strongly recommend taking them into full confidence and calling upon them to be your source of strength and support to help you tide over this phase in life. Also, any other close, trustworthy friends you may have. Yes, this is a phase in your life and trust me, you will look back upon this incident a couple years in the future and be relieved that you got rid of this toxicity. Do not show weakness at any time. Be firm. Be decisive. I believe you know it in your heart already that this guy is not right for you. Your gut instincts are right. Based on what you have mentioned in your letter, he has red flags written all over him.
      Do not worry about suicide threats. Cowards often resort to them. Once he sees that you cannot be bullied or black mailed, have strong support from family and that you will not hesitate to call the police, he will retreat. Bullies like him thrive on soft people in their lives all the time. Refuse to let anyone bully you – EVER – in life.

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      • “Bullies like him thrive on soft people in their lives all the time. Refuse to let anyone bully you – EVER – in life.” AP, Can’t agree more.

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  6. Dear LW, I am very sorry for your situation. I am 100% sure he is not going to be a good life partner. Get all your courage and wisdom, quit this relationship as all the emotional turmoil he has created to you is enough for life time!!
    Such kinda people would never understand how much ever you talk. So there is no use to make time to think and give long lectures to him to make your stand clear.

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  7. Dear friend, you already know what you need to do. Deep down, you know it. Now do it. Run.

    It happens sometimes that we fall in love with the wrong person. It’s ok to acknowledge it and move on. Although I was never in this bad a situation, I have been through some of this – and felt like I was seeing myself 10-12 years ago. I ran. Just in time.

    I wish you all the best.

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  8. No. No. No. DO NOT feel guilty and give into these suicide-tantrums. Based on your letter, I have to agree with your parents’ sentiments. The fact that they objectively discussed the situation means that they are looking at the situation from an angle that you might not be able to have because you are in the relationship. Here’s what I would do:

    1. End the relationship. Draw clear boundaries. No talking with me, no emailing, no texting me. Completely sever the relationship. Do it in a coffee shop where there are plenty of people. Take a pepper spray with me (Carry one at all time with you after breaking up with him). Make sure I have a friend to escort me there and back home, because this will be an extremely emotional event. A friend who believes in my decision and will not let me change my mind. Also, a friend who when he sees a tantrum can be bold and help me negotiate it.
    2. Soon after ending the relationship, talk to my parents about his behaviour and explain that I need their help emotionally and logistically to get out of the situation.
    3. Finish my project submission and go to a new city for an extended length of time, say 2 months. Meanwhile, change my mobile number, make sure his emails go to spam. Resist the urge to take his calls and allow my friends to be used as messengers. Don’t fall into the trap of believing he will do himself harm. Be prepared mentally to face more abuse at his end like hand cutting, starvation etc. Make it very clear that you want nothing to do with him. If possible, let paper trails remain that he threatened to kill himself etc etc., if a legal situation arises, you should have enough proof that he was off his rocker (this is why I would take my parents into confidence too).

    Be strong, believe in your intuition and execute with courage. Best of luck.

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    • Megha, this is really good advice!

      Dear LW, listen to your parents – they are giving you sound advice. Dump this guy and do not feel guilty. You are NOT responsible for his actions, so don’t take on guilt unnecessarily.

      The list of his qualities in your email sound like the things a bf/potential husband should NOT have – he sounds like a classic abuser. Get away from him. Be safe. You deserve better. You deserve a happy life with a sensible, loving adult not this emotionally abusive coward.

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  9. Dear LW,

    I think the points you have mentioned are huge red flags especially points like 5, 6,9, 10, 12 & 14.
    The biggest of them all is the fact that he lied. According to me, if a person lies about his Name then it would mean that he isn’t happy with who he is or his identity & eventually he would take that out on you. And relationships (any kind of relationship) with liars would eventually lead to lack of trust & miscommunication which would lead to worse problems.
    (I personally detest Liars)
    Also you need to think if he has issues with homosexuality, what if any future children (you may have) turn out to be homosexual, would he be ok with that?
    Oh & from experience, I would say a guy with multiple social accounts (Gmail, Facebook etc) usually set the other one up to chat up with other women… I don’t understand why they do this but this is the only reason they do. Very strange.

    I like the fact that you are taking your decision based on facts rather than just emotions. You are not blinded by just the words he uses. You observe his actions as well.
    I would advice strongly against leaving your degree. Complete your education as it is the one thing that would help you stand on your own two feet.
    Another thing is I like is that your parents speak to you like an adult & they discuss such matters with you so I would suggest that you discuss this with them too.
    I do hope whatever decision you take works out for the best for you.
    I think you know now, what you need to do🙂

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  10. As others said this has red flags all over the place. The guy is suffering from narcisstic personality disorder. You deserve a matured adult and not a teenage manipulator like this. You are still young and don’t succumb to the emotional blackmails. All the best

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  11. Dear LW,

    Read the letter you have written and think someone else has written it and is asking you for advice. What will you say to them? Deep down you know the answer. You know what you are supposed to do. As someone who had been in a very similar abusive relationship and got out thankfully, my only advice to you is RUN, without looking back. Thank god you have understanding parents. Yes, you will still feel guilty. He will blackmail you emotionally. He might even threaten to commit suicide. He will call all your friends, send you messages, call you and cry. But be strong and dont waver. Just run. Tell your parents and let them help you. Even complain to police if required. But do not- i repeat, DO NOT ever go back to him. Trust me – that will be the best decision you have ever made.

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  12. Its crystal clear what you need to do… ! RUN!
    I cant imagine you would have any doubts after listing the 14 points above so I will assume that you have already (wisely) decided to leave.

    Now to the question of handling the guy and his emotional blackmail , when you break the news to him.
    From your email, your parents will no doubt support your breakup. Parents do have more maturity, understanding , and capability to handle difficult situations than we tend to give them credit for. Yours seem very much so.
    My suggestion would be to come clean to them, tell them you want to break up and that you are worried about his actions, and take it from there.

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  13. Run, Girl Run! You deserve better.

    Block his number and cut all ties with him. Block his e-mail ID Stay close to well meaning friends and your family. Do well in your exams because they are the final step in earning your degree you worked so hard for 2 whole years. It is not worth throwing it away because of a worthless abusive moron.

    Do things you like, seek therapy if possible. But whatever you do make sure you dont let the guy contact you directly/through friends.

    This blog may really help you. Please read when free: http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/signs-of-an-abuser/

    Like

  14. //If I leave him, I am worried he might really do something and that my life will be ruined.//

    What exactly do you fear he might do to you that your life will be ruined?

    BTW, I think I know which company you’re talking about. I’ve worked there and have skipped many meetings myself. Don’t hold that against him.

    As far as everything else, I just don’t understand how you managed to date someone who’d lied about his name. After making sure you have safeguards against whatever it is that he might do to ruin your life, make good your escape.

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  15. You knoq if I had a beeper running for everything that could be wrong with this guy while reading this post, it wouldn’t stop beeping (at all). Please step out of this hideous relationship asap. I have friends in similar situations who went ahead and are now repenting. From what it sounds like, you have an amazing family. And if this guy is trying to insinuate you against them, its the biggest blotch on his persona. Please please do not go ahead with him!

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  16. Don’t go through with it. Trust your instincts and your parents. You have lived with yourself and your parents for 23 years. With him it’s just been 3 years. If you don’t like something now, changes are you won’t be able to change after marriage. These points are who he is. Don’t throw away everything for someone who cannot control even his own temper. How will he control his family when they start talking about how modern their bahu is and how they wish she was a bit traditional.

    Run like the wind and don’t look back. There are many other great guys waiting out there.

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  17. Dear LW, you are very fortunate to have a set of really sensible parents. From what you say, they sound very reasonable and I would really trust their judgment if I were you.

    After leading a life free of any kind of restrictions to date, do you really think you could live the rest of your life with an ill-tempered, controlling, deceitful, possessive, manipulative man? Do you really think you can expect any real love or respect from him or be able to respect him? I would think not and strongly believe you know that too. The very fact that you have clearly stated all the points that trouble you which are like a dozen red flags and that you ask us here means you are really looking for validation of your feelings. I am quite sure most of us here would be unanimous in doing that for you. Quit this fellow asap. RUN.

    Now coming to threats of killing himself. I really feel you need to cover yourself on this one – LEGALLY – to protect your own back should he do something to blackmail you. You need to talk of this with your parents, let them know the scenario and take their help in arranging legal help. Do not succumb to such manipulations. They will lead you nowhere.

    All the best and hope you are able to come out of this without too much trouble.

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  18. I think you already know what you have to do. You are scared and its understandable. You need to break it off now. I think you should tell your parents everything you wrote here. You need there support right now and from what I have read about them they love you very much and will be there for you. Don’t be scared.

    About the emotional messages, suicide threats etc., its not because he loves you he is acting this way. He is trying to manipulate you into staying with him. My ex-boyfriend did this to me when I broke up with him. He cried and said he couldn’t live without me and he was going to kill himself if I left him. I was scared that he would kill himself and that I would have to live with the guilt of it for the rest of my life but I still broke up with him. Two years later and he’s still alive. Don’t worry about the emotional messages and suicide threats; its all bullshit on his part.

    If you think he might physically harm you, you should take out an order of protection against him. This is why I think you should talk to your parents about this. Together you can come up with a plan to protect yourself. I also think confiding in your parents will relieve some of the stress and burden and you will feel strength in their support. I told my mom about wanting to break up with my boyfriend and how scared and guilty I felt; her encouragement gave me strength to go through with it.

    This is not the guy for you and you know it please don’t be scared about doing what’s right and best for you.

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  19. Lady you know what to do. If you want any doubts as to whether you are doing the right thing, let me tell you – you are doing the right thing! RUN…

    For the emotional blackmail part, don’t talk to him or reply to any SMS/mails. Let your friends know – you are out of this and ask them not to pressurize you. Talk to your Parents and let them know. They seem pretty sensible, they will support you and also help you get out of this. If need be change your number and after your studies see if you can take up a job in a different city. If required, be ready to give a police complaint as well. .Though from the points you have written about him, I don’t think that will be required. He won’t do more than emotional blackmail.

    And lastly if he/his family tries to “spoil your name” in the common circle give it back to them but also be ready for some criticism and figure out a way to deal with it. Unfortunately, in our society news spreads fast and no matter what situation, girls/ and her parents are usually on the receiving end.

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  20. Oh Dear,
    Please leave him. I am not some feminist or someone else who was just moved by your story.
    I am a 24 year old girl who was almost in your place a couple of years back. I say almost because, the guy i thought that i was in love with is not this bad. He has issues with possessiveness and attitude combined with a really bad temper. He proposed to me while i was in my 2nd year of college and me being the fool i was, accepted it after he went on a hunger strike kind of thing. I am never comfortable to be in that girlfriend space with him as i considered him as a good friend.
    I lost all the space and comfort i had. There was nothing but trouble, tension & fights. Trouble due to being in a college hostel with a very strict and conservative warden, tension due to the hide n seek played with parents and fights due to his possessiveness, attitude n temper. Of all those i was torn within for having to lie to my parents. I was raised in a liberal atmosphere you mentioned and still i could not tell my mom about it as i was still in college back then.
    After bearing up with all of this for 2 years, i finally dared to get out of this vicious thing in my last year of college. And it took me 2 years to get out of it completely. I faced almost every single thing that you are facing now. Emotional blackmail, negative comments for being the girl who initiated the breakup, what would my friends and family think if they come to know about this, studies getting affected, dropping grades, losing very good common friends, no peace of mind, days of crying over that one wrong decision, sleep deprivation, concentration issues, health deterioration and of all, i am on the brink of depression.
    But with hours of talks trying to make him understand how and why this relationship would not work and lots of crying and fighting over phones and all i finally managed to get out of it.
    Even after that it was really hard on me to get back to be normal and single as i really liked him and he was a nice guy if not for the issues.

    Till date, i regret thinking about that decision(accepting his proposal) of mine which cost me a best friend, some really good common friends, 2 years of happy college life, peace of mind and all those lies that i had to tell to my family. But NEVER do i regret the decision of leaving him. I am really a happy person now. Leaving him was one of the best decisions of my life.

    I’m telling you from my experience that no matter how good he is as a person, or how good he is to others, its not enough if he cannot make give you happiness. All it matters is how he behaves with you. It cannot be temporary. It is what you will be facing for your rest of your life if you stay in the same relation and at times it can get worse. Never ignore those red flags.
    No matter what others think, its yours life and you totally deserve to be happy and no one should dare to question that. It is not wrong to get out of an unhappy relationship and move on. It is absolutely fine.
    Thank God, you have such amazing parents. If you really mean what you have said, please go and talk to them. Tell them that you no longer want to be a part of that relationship. Tell them that you need their help/support to move on. Talk to them as if they are your friends.
    By what you have said, i really think they would understand. You need that support. If not parents, you always have people ready to help online to talk.

    But please be strong. That’s all you need. Be strong and stick to your decisions. Let not any amount of emotional blackmail have any impact on your decisions. Just remember that it is never wrong to be selfish about our happiness when it comes to being in a relationship. It is not called being selfish. It is called loving yourself. I seriously don’t think you can love or like someone if you can’t love yourselves.

    So please be strong and move towards happiness.
    I just could not stop myself from commenting. i know it is a Very long comment but i had to. I really want you to be happy.
    Good luck.

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    • Your BF was not a nice guy. He was a Nice Guy.
      https://xkcd.com/513/
      You might find this comic familiar. They are something of a not very funny joke in internet feminist circles. You can look up the phenomenon if you find the comic familiar.

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      • Think of it clearly, i see that the joke is on me!
        I know i’m stupid to call that guy Nice but that’s how i felt. He did not abuse me, he did not abuse my parents, he is a normal guy with a huge temper and a lot of possessiveness that i couldn’t stand or handle, which is why i left him.
        Some times, you forget the sad part and just see the good things which is unhealthy at times but it happens. You see, the mind that listens to things like adjustment and all, would make people like me think this way.
        Yet, i succeeded in my attempt to respect myself. I’m happy for that and i just wish that girl has enough courage to do that too.

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  21. First, end the relationship. Stop feeling guilty. If the guy chooses to do something, it is his action not yours. This is out and out emotional abuse & nobody should be in a abusive relationship. I have seen plenty of such drama playing out & let me tell you the guy is just trying to get your attention & guilt trip you. You even have a valid reason, hide behind your parents disapproval & tell him your parents have prevented you from dating him. If he wants, he can reason with your parents.

    If I were your parent, I would have seen some of the points which are obvious which would have me worried. I do not want my child to enter such an abusive relationship or such a stifling situation. I work so hard to get freedom for my children in this society & my child wants to get back into that again?! You bet I will disapprove.

    I cannot understand how so many children of liberal parents in India end up dating traditional men with traditional families. Why why why? I am asking myself this because you are not the first case I have come across in a similar situation.

    Your boyfriend is a typical traditional male & your life will be hell if you are liberal & continue with him. For heaven’s sake break up, tell your parents everything (if they are liberal, I do not see why it is a problem) so that they can deal with it effectively & move on.

    Next time, something makes you uncomfortable like sleeping in the same room, speak up & be assertive.

    @IHM- You initial lines are misleading & is really not applicable in this case.

    “Emotional Abuse would be ………………….when we are so busy banning Choice Marriages and Valentine’s Day? ”

    From what I see, the girls parents are liberal & they are not busy banning the girl from dating. It is the girl who is with a traditional guy.

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  22. Dear Lw,

    Your letter tells it all. If you are worried about the short time, then buy some time to complete your project. Tell him that you will decide what to do once your project submission is complete. That way, one worry off your chest, you can think clearly. Tell him not to disturb during this time, as this will help you understand how much he loves you and allows you some time off.

    Once your coursework complete, you can go back to the letter you posted and strike off what you think may be void and take a decision.

    Its better to take harsh decisions than lead a harsh life.

    Like

    • Like other commentators here, I’d say leave him.
      Also, leave aside your personal/love life for a moment. Please step back and evaluate how this relationship is negatively affecting your career.

      Of course leaving him will be hard. Maybe despite all this, you will still have feelings for him. You will find yourself maybe second guessing your actions, and perhaps your instinct will be to patch things up. Every time you are in doubt, look at the email you sent. Break up, and make sure you stay broken up.

      Like

  23. I have a feeling that the LW has already made up her mind to dump this guy and is looking for validation from neutral parties. Dont worry, you will find it here in plenty🙂
    So yes, please dump the guy, you will be much better off without him.

    PS: when you say he might ruin your life, what exactly do you mean? Do you think he can physically harm you? In that case you need to take your parents into confidence and also maybe talk to the police too.

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  24. Hi LW,

    Trust your instincts–ALWAYS. You know something is very wrong here, that is the main reason you have put up your story on this blog. Please do not doubt yourself or give into emotional blackmail. This boy is just not right for you.

    You have given so many points about his negative side. There is not even 1 point talking about his positive side or good nature (i doubt he has any). It’s a very difficult situation and you have to handle it with care.

    FIrst of all, if you are still talking to him, tell him in very clear terms that you need to prepare for your project and exams and that you need to concentrate on it and that you will talk to him as soon as all your exams/projects are over. If he does not listen, you can raise your voice saying that he is not even concerned about your studies or well being. Basically make it clear that you don’t want to be disturbed at this stage – put the blame on your exams.

    Second, inform your parents about all this IMMEDIATELY–they have to know all this. They will find ways to adivce and protect you. Confide in a close friend who you know for sure will understand and support you and not stab you in the back.

    Once exams/project is over-(if you really want to do it in person), take your father or a male friend or a cousin brother and meet him and tell him its over. That you are suffocated in this relationship and don’t think it will work. Tell him that even if you both forget and forgive everything, your marriage is definitely doomed as your thinking itself does not match. Ask him if he really wants to spoil his life and go through a messy divorce. He also can get out now and find someone else.

    After that, change your number (or change it earlier itself). DO not reply to his messages, emails, messages through his friends etc. Try to find a job in another city. Pack up and leave. Tell your parents to be careful. If every you happen to speak to him (record his calls) or if you go in person try to record it with a spy pen or spy camera button (if you want to keep proof)…these are available on ebay.in.

    It’s natural to fall for someone while younger. Only as time passes you will know things better, start thinking in a mature way. Most people have had a first love gone wrong. There is nothing to feel ashamed of that. Be brave, things will fall into place.

    Be alert wherever you go, u never know what these morons can try to do. Please DO NOT change your mind and think this will work out or that you can change him with your love after marriage. It’s ok to remain single and be happy rather than marry such people and suffer each day.

    The more girls everywhere want to be more independent and self sufficient and want a better quality of life, SOME boys/men nowadays are trying to go back to the caveman attitude/lifestyle. Education does not help them at all.

    All the best to you.

    Like

    • @freebird,
      Lots of love to you, you took time to post the links because DG did not scroll down and she too posted few above.
      DG is glad we have IHM who puts in so much time and energy into breaking women’s isolation and contribute to women’s empowerment.
      In unity,
      Peace,
      DG

      Like

  25. LW, you’ve made an exhaustive list yourself. You yourself have left no doubt that this would be the wrong person to be married to. Please don’t spend even more second thinking about this prick. Run and be yourself. Be free. You have a LONG life ahead of you. Live it the way you want. Finding a person to love should not be the only goal in life. There’s a lot more to life than that. Chuck this moron and you’ll see that you have lot of time and energy at hand to do a whole bunch of stuff. Cheers!🙂

    Like

    • Also? Hates your dad? For no rhyme or reason? That takes the cake! How could you even tolerate him for a second after he expressed that sentiment without fair reasoning?

      Like

      • Yeah!
        …perhaps these are people of the sort who cut off the victim from close friends and family,breaking them from their social circle and get abusive.
        Dear LW,
        I have nothing more to add…Please watch this video (link below). The concern for you is more about your own safety.You don’t have to prove to him that you love him because he emotionally blackmails you to leave family and go with him to prove yourself!Just protect yourself. Please get help from parents,friends and police if need be and leave him.Have no contacts. If you feel threatened, just move out of the place where you stay for some months ,or as long as needed.When you go out, go out with friends or family…Just saying so that your life is not at risk.
        *Hugs* , please take care.

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  26. Lady,
    You know the answer to your problems. This guy is big trouble. He is lazy, unethical and dishonest. Your parents seem to be sensible. Please confide in them. Change your number. …..finish giving your exams and go for a long holiday.
    Lodge a complaint with the police- do not worry about him killing himself. This man is a coward. He won’t harm a hair on his own head

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  27. You have understood that he is a worthless person. Don’t let this continue…you and your life are worth much more. Your parents and friends will give you all the support you need. Make the decision to end this cruelty immediately.

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  28. The guy in question is stuff acid attackers and wife/GF beaters are made of. He is full of chauvinism and is nothing but a self – important control freak. Please cut – off all contacts with him for the sake of your sanity, safety and future.

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  29. I am glad you have a conversational relationship with your parents. Do not worry about them being worried. They’d be glad to help you out. Lean on them. And make your social circle of friends aware of the facts on which you base your decision to break up with him. And give clear message that they should not bother to talk to him or you about it.

    I am of course telling you to dump him. He is someone who will drive you to misery. End it today, now.

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  30. Break up with this guy and never make contact again, however much he tries. If you are scared that he might do something to you, please get in touch with police and make them give him a warning. I’ve seen enough of such manipulative **** , one call from police station to them and you see how your troubles evaporate.

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  31. I’m just a little surprise that you haven’t already broken up.
    Just run away from this guy!

    Each of the 14 points are horrendous.

    You’ve probably put up with it for 3 years but that’s purely because you weren’t living with him. Your primary family was still your parents. And that sort of dilutes it. But can you imagine this guy being your primary family?

    And yes, you are worried about his reaction to a break up. First, confide in your parents. Tell them about all this. Beef up your security for a few months. Don’t go out alone. Cut off from him. Lesser social media. Lesser people know what you’re up to. And if you’re worried about him harming himself and blaming it on you ( I understand this happens, I’ve seen it a lot), keep a lot of friends posted about the scenario. If he EVER (even by 0.0001 % chance) tries to do something, you’ve got a few people who have got your back and know your side of the story.

    Run AWAY from this guy as fast as possible. I’m honestly surprised you kept it up for 3 years.

    And lastly, doesn’t like your dad is one thing, but telling you to stay away from him because he’s a bad person is downright ridiculous. I would never, ever tolerate that.

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  32. OhOh! I wont even bother to explain, reason, clarify anything that you have written.
    This guy is a loser. Save yourself now and dump him.
    He even sounds like a freak to me. So be careful.

    You are just 23, you will meet many wonderful men in your life (even if you don’t meet any man, it is still ok) and believe me you have a long life to lead. So stop worrying about this jerk and move on and enjoy your life.

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  33. I dont get it why u want to intentionally jump into fire….dont tolerate his emotional blackmail.If he indeed dies…good for him..one less fool on Earth.Btw he is big coward..he is probably flirting with other girls while claiming to be sick.
    Just forget about him n tell everything to ur parents…just tell him to Fuck off else u will complain to the police.He will def back off.
    Just be strong n concentrate on ur studies…ur very young u hav ample time to meet better guy why do u want to waste ur life with this lunatic.
    Just imagine unfortunately if u give in to pressure n indeed marry him….wat will be ur kid’s future?
    Ur daughter will be married off at 18 n son will grow up to be another bully.
    Ur parents r right he is wrong guy for u.

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  34. Love will survive only if there is a strong ground to stay. All this love will fade when reality strikes. Save yourself from his clutches before it is too late. Someone who asks you to leave your people cannot be trusted at all. Just ask him if he can leave his people completely and stay with your people. Given the facts in your letter, he might agree to that because I find him as a highly lazy, unprofessional, unethical and laid-back person and he might stoop down to any level to lead a luxurious life at anyone’s cost.

    Run away from him as soon as possible.

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  35. Dear girl,
    The fact that you have such a liberal family and supportive parents is something that works in your favor completely. You dated this guy and you know things are not right. Even the smallest of differences b/w partners when they are dating escalates to mammoth issues after getting married, and in your case the issues in their present form are just far from perfect, they are horrible. This guy is a douchebag (pardon me) and definitely not meant for you. The very notion of dating is that you are able to see the REAL person before committing your life to him. As someone said above, imagine this as somebody else’s story, or better imagine this as a movie. You see the heroine dating this guy. Where will your loyalties lie immediately? How elated you will feel once she kicks away this scumbag from her life. (I hope you have watched Queen- these were my exact feelings)
    You should plan to spend your life with someone who
    1. Motivates you
    2. DOES NOT judge you based on you appearance, friends, lifestyle, choices etc.
    3. Is TRUTHFUL to you regarding EVERYTHING
    4. Openly acknowledges you in front of his parents, relatives, friends.
    5. Respects YOU
    6. Respects your time, commitments, work and doesn’t expect you to be available as per his/her fancies
    7. Does NOT use emotional blackmail to keep you attached to him/her

    Above are just 7 points as against your 14 points. Please see for yourself how your BF fares on these points and you will know the answer.

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  36. First of all the LW needs to understand the first date /crush does not have to be the one you are married too.
    If you dont date how in the world will you know who suits you.his family is his their problems cannot be judged, neither can their behavior, there are all kinds in this world, it’s just that his lifestyle doesn’t suit you – explain it to him. no one can change so much and stay happy
    neither you nor him.You dated this guy, liked him, gave yours,elf a fair chance for 3 yrs and it didn’t work so move on. if it were the reverse and you badmouthed his family and asked for dowry, restricted his choices and interfered in his work and life , do you think he would have stuck with you, he’d have dumped you way back.
    Move on. and stick this list on your room door, so the next time around if you come across some guy with any of these issues you can run faster !!!!

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  37. thank god that u came to know the true colors of this guy before u got married,,, please live him and run… i am glad that u have a wonderful family to support you…

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  38. Breakup! Your parents are amazing and they are so right here. I have seen how hard it is to break up with a clingy person like that, but you gotta do what you gotta do. I found the sleeping with your bf and his father part really really uncomfortable. I am 200% sure you are NOT going to be happy marrying this guy.

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  39. Dear All,

    Thank you for taking time out to reply here. Like some of you said above, I have made up my mind already but its just that I was really not sure if I should give up and at times I thought that I was probably doing this only after my parents said no to our relationship. Also, a few days back when I had decided and told my friends about my decision to break up, surprisingly except for one all my other friends think that I am dumping him and when they see him send such emotional messages and me not reacting to them, they think that I am a heartless person etc. So I was thoroughly confused as to how my friends for years have suddenly turned against me and that is when I thought that I should write here and seek help from neutral people who have no relationship with me.
    And now I know I was and I am right. I have confided in my parents and they have and are still giving me all the support required. My father like some commentators has told me that this guy is a coward and will really not do anything, so he has just asked me to stay strong and focus on my education and career.
    Also, with help from my parents, I have called him and told him that I am not ready to go ahead with the relationship. So after all this, today morning I realize that he has hacked my account and written mails to my friends telling them how disturbed he is because of my actions and that he lost out on a promotion this appraisal cycle just because of me. And like I said my friends think that I am a b***h.So I guess, that I will just have to become very strong and ignore all this crap now that I have realized.
    Thanks a lot to IHM and all the commentators as they were really helpful in framing up my mind and thoughts and helped me take a decision.
    Hopefully, I should be able to recover soon from the emotional trauma and get back to my normal self with support and help from my family and friends.

    Like

    • Great move, LW :-)! Am so glad you took the right decision in spite of peer pressure and the emotional toll. Please think about dumping your non-supporting friends as well. I do not see how anyone who tries to coerce you into staying in an abusive relationship can be called a “friend”.

      Like

    • Hello LW,

      You made the right choice. Even as I was reading your letter, I realized that peer- pressure was what was making you doubt yourself. Unfortunately, even though you have a fantastic, open-minded family, the rest of your peer group may not. They are probably steeped in the patriarchal mind set that once you start dating someone, you have to stay with them. Moreover, most of bollywood movies romanticizes control and stalker behavior and it is therefore not surprising that your friends are susceptible to such messaging. People in general think that one must succumb to emotional blackmail otherwise you are heartless.. but if you did and later needed help, they would be the first to call you brainless for not using your judgment.

      You made the right choice. You will make new friends. Maybe after you finish, you should take a vacation and go away for a month or so, just to get a break from your toxic boyfriend and your even more toxic social circle. Good luck with your life!

      Like

    • Send another email to the friends from the same account telling them they are welcome to him🙂 and see how many take you up on the offer.
      I’m a bit surprised since these warning signs are usually spotted by friends before the actual person. unless they are immature and have some filmi notion of love. oh well all kinds of friends exist. guess it’s time to dumpp them too.

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      • Radha, I right there with you about friends spotting such signs. My closest friends have always been the ones to give me the earliest warning signs when it comes to my professional or personal life. I really think that the only true friend LW has is the one that saw the relationship the way she did.

        Like

    • I m happy tht u took right decision.Seems like u need to dump ur frns as well🙂
      Dont be bothered abt them where were they wen he was emotionally abusing u ? send those 14 points to ur frns explaining why u broke up….if they still choose to be blind to hell with them.This guy will now badmouth u everywhere n pretend to be a devdas ignore it i hav seen enough drama queens in my college days…its all bullshit.
      As for his promotion…..I can bet he is anyways not getting any promotion or raise due to his unethical work attitude…its all a big show just be strong n ignore everyone. u deserve to be happy…All the best

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    • I am glad you walked out. Looks like you need a new set of friends. What kind of friends tell you to stay with such a guy huh? Anyway, since you are graduating, you could move onto a new set of people.

      I understand how much peer pressure exists which is why we are stuck in such patriarchal patterns.

      I would recommend sticking with your parents support, being safe physically – that means avoid walking alone. Absolutely do not respond to his SMS/calls/whatever. Once you get sucked into that, it can make things worse because they guy will say to your peers “if she never cared, look why she kept in touch with me & played with my heart”. Ignore every messenger who comes from messages from him.

      I say ignore your friends who support him & plain refuse to discuss the relationship. If anyone keeps bringing it up, use the ultimate girls weapon – crying & saying stuff like “everyone supports him, how would you feel when he made me stay in the same room as his father & other strange men & some emotional stuff like that”. It is doable to beat him at his own drama game if you wish but I would not waste my time on that.

      This is an opportunity to know your friends & ex. Use this as a lesson & learn what not to repeat in future relationships. Please do not be with a guy who does not respect you.

      Lastly, do not feel bad that people call you a mena b***h. If it is any consolation I have been called a stone hearted person with no emotions many times in college. The moment you are an independent feminist, that is what they call you. Your peers are quite immature & they will get more perspective as they grow older. They project that on you because they would not have the courage to break it off if it were them. DO what makes you happy🙂

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    • Your friends sound awful. Honestly this will help you realize who your true friends are, your better off without these toxic people in your life. If they know everything that you have posted here and still think you should take hom back are idiots.

      If they continue to make comments about you being heartless tell them its none of their business.

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    • Good going LW. I was a side-spectator to a situation that you are in – my friend only discovered after break-up that her emails were being hacked and that her *friend*, the boy in question, was busy writing emails in her name to all and sundry. Emotional manipulation through peers. Sick. Also, many of her peers could not see beyond the nice-guy image that this boy had built up. Many felt she was so lucky and was throwing away a good relationship. I would advise that you don’t speak with such friends for a while. You may be feeling pretty awful as is, and you don’t need other people judging you, people who most certainly were not exposed to the nasty behaviour of your ex-bf. My friend only truly recovered when she moved to a new city, new job and built a completely new social circle. Thus my advise above in # 4 – move away and your education will certainly afford such opportunities.

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    • Hats off to you girl for taking the right decision and doing the right thing. As well as for overcoming peer pressure (which is one of the most difficult thing to do when one is in college)!!!
      As for your ‘friends’ who needs enemies when you have friends like these!!!
      Good luck for your exams and hope your thesis is coming on well…

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    • All of us at IHM are happy to be your friends LW. You DO NOT need friends who won’t support you through such a hard decision. You are so young. You’ll find new friends. No big deal.

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    • Dear I’M n the LW,
      I wonder if you guys have seen the recent advertisement of one of those matrimonial portals- shaadi. Com I think- where the girl overhears her hubby telling his father that she doesn’t work to earn money but because she wants to. Then the camera pans to a shot of him serving her food matter- of- factedly and may I add unselfconciously even as she is smiling to herself. There are guys like that. You just need to wait and be sensible about your choices. All the best to you.

      Like

  40. Girl I think you already know what the right thing to do is🙂
    Don’t go ahead with this guy. you are YOUNG! you have a GREAT family .. and you will find a GREAT guy! In the meanwhile, build your career, go abroad, study, travel…this guy is not something you should lost all your freedom for!

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  41. Like everyone else, I’m here to say RUN AWAY from this guy and relationship as fast as you can.

    One thing wasn’t very clear from your letter: Are you afraid he could try to harm you? Unfortunately, that is a real possibility. If there is ANY possibility that could happen, I would suggest you break-up with witnesses present (parents or someone in authority, not a person your age) – back it up with data on his lying/cheating about his circumstances, which would stand up to general comment – your points about him being controlling of you are horrifying, but you can’t count on widespread support for that. (There will be push back that he was just being lovingly possessive or some rubbish like that) . After that, change your number, and for a while at least, take precautions when going about (no public transportation, stay away from places he knows you frequent etc.) I’m sorry for sounding so alarmist.

    Thank your blessings that you woke up to this guy’s true colors before getting in too deep.

    Good luck and best wishes.

    Like

    • I fully understand and support that bit advice about changing phone number and no public transport.It is essential the LW do this.Especially changing phone number.

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  42. And you are with him currently because….? Dump the guy and run. Please do not care what society or any other person is going to think about your decision – they will not be standing by you when you are in a horrible marriage with him (trust me, your life is DOOMED if you marry him). Besides you also have the support of your parents. What are you waiting for? Please update us asap that you are single and free.

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  43. I am glad your parents were supportive and understanding. Please realize that if your friends don’t think you are doing the right thing after knowing the whole situation, may be they don’t deserve to be your friends and aren’t your true well wishers. You might not even stay in contact with them after a while anyway. Why let it bother you? You know best that you are doing the right thing and as long as you are clear about that, anyone else’s opinion on what you should or should not do shouldn’t matter. Please stay strong and just remember that our parents have our best interests in mind always.

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  44. Oh my God….dump him, dump him,dump him NOW.
    Been there, done that.Almost cost me my job.Girl beleive me, you need to run away from him.
    As soon as I read the line about him coming from a family where girls are not sent to college, I thought, she should dump him.
    Coming to the line at the end of the post — “He says that if i love him…”.
    Well, you do not love him.You clearly can not.Nobody on this planet can love such a person, so do not feel bad or guilty about it.Its normal to not love such a person.
    Dear LW, your best bet is to tallk to your parents.Show them this post, if possible.

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  45. Dear LW

    Everyone here including yourself have given some really sensible suggestions. But I will give my 2 cents because I love giving my 2 cents😉

    1) CHANGE ALL YOUR PASSWORDS . Infact when I read this yesterday the first thing I knew was he would hack into your account and today morning seeing your response he did exactly that. Put secure passwords with special characters etc. Also if you use a smart phone you can actually set up a secure access to send a code to your phone to login. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH, especially if you are on Social media.If you can delete your old accounts and make new ones and block the jerk out.

    2) Send a mail to your friends telling them about your decision and the fact that the loser hacked into your account and that if knowing you before him they judge you then they are welcome to him. Trust me if your friends have any common sense they would see logic and if they don’t YOU ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT SUCH FRIENDS. If my friends BF hacks into her account and sends me a mail I will tell my friend to run and tell the F*&^^r to get lost. Not blame my friend, so PLEASE DO NOT blame yourself for losing such friends. Trust me when you will thank yourself one day for this.

    3) Change your phone number and be careful at all times when you step out. Especially if he knows your schedule. I am not trying to scare you but this idiot sounds like a complete loser and I will not put anything past him. SO PLEASE BE CAREFUL. He may try to get one of your friends to meet with you slyly (considering how your friends are feeling for him). DO NOT fall for the trap and stay away. Avoid meeting everyone if possible for sometime. KUCH BHI HO JAYE Do not go, if a friend wants to talk tell them to come home or talk on the phone.

    4) If possible and you can, please go out of station for a few weeks/months again without telling your friends. I know it will be lonely not having anyone to share things but you will make new friends and you will move on.

    5) If you get a job DO NOT Tell anyone where you work till this has completely cooled off. Trust me the next thing he will be outside your office or calling your colleagues.

    I have been in a similar relationship and had written about it on another post of IHM. I was only in the relationship for 3 months but it felt like 30 years. He was possessive, traditional and a abusive bully. He did everything in his book to get me to stay with him including threats, stalking, crying, begging and scaring me. He would sit outside my college and wait for me to come out after I finished my papers and then would follow me home and bully me.Once he pinched me so hard that my whole hand became black and blue and I had to get a tetanus shot. He would leave notes for me at my work place, Infact he once had a cousin of his who was in the police to threaten me with dire consequences if I broke up with him. The worst thing is that we had slept together and he used that as a threat to tell my parents that I had slept with him .And it took all my courage to stand up to him and call his bluff. The first year after that break up I was always careful and watched my back. I broke all ties with common friends and ensured that even these friends did not know anything about my life. I was polite but distant with everyone. Why the hell was a girl like me in that relationship I would never know. It has been 15 years since that but I still mentally kick myself everytime I think of it.

    The next relationship I had I shared this with the man and had clear boundaries about what I wanted and expected out of the relationship. No man ever bullied me again and I mean NO MAN. 23 is a very young age to be married or committed. Enjoy your life, enjoy your freedom. There are so many gorgeous, intelligent men who would value you as a person and not restrict you. Why the hell would any woman want to be with a man who clips her wings is beyond me.

    Wishing you the best for your future, we hope you can turn this experience into a positive learning experience and go on to make a bright future🙂 Hugs

    Like

    • This is so true… I mean just like you wrote I saw this guy outside my college gate and he sneaked inside the premises telling the security guard that someone in my family is ill and that he has come to pick me up. I rushed inside to avoid him, but there he was, he had already seen me and the next moment he is there crying and begging and all the drama. I guess he realized I might call security so after 20 mins or so of all the drama he just left the campus. Fortunately for me ever since this incident happened, I have stopped public transport and I always have a car ready at my disposal thanks to my dad.
      Thanks for your wishes, I am really safe and will be done with college by middle of next week and my parents have already planned a vacation.

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  46. You are no more in love with this guy… and that’s understandble given the character certificate that you have posted here. He is a PRICK… period.

    I feel the only validation/support you are really looking for from other readers is for…

    “If I leave him, I am worried he might really do something and that my life will be ruined.”

    Yes, he might do that and you need to be prepared. For now, don’t rush into breaking up with him. Just start distancing yourself slowly. Focus on your studies and spend your time and energy on your projects. You can always tell him you are busy (and not meeting friends and partying without him). Meawhile, speak to your parents and close friends and ensure that you have their support. You mentioned that your parents are quite liberal. Discuss with them what the worst scenarios could be. I know it’s tough but trust me it will make you stronger once it is out of your system and you have others to share your fears with.

    It’s not worth living each day in fear. So start taking slow steps towards a new life of freedom and respect…good luck!

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  47. Dear LW–glad to know that you’re breaking up with the guy. Apart from some prominent mental issues, he seems to be a general douche and also a classic abuser. There’s plenty of fish in the sea, letting go of this one is best suited for you.

    As for your friends, I don’t think they’re bad people per se, but I do think they have a very, very immature understanding of what constitutes a relationship so taking advice from them would be a no-no in my book. There are many instances in life where you can be selfish–it’s a survival strategy among many other things. If tomorrow, I go to a random bank and threaten to commit suicide unless they give me a million dollars, do you think said bank is going to do so? Yea, no.

    If they continue to be unpleasant towards you, I suggest you get a new set of friends. I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s better than being constantly judged on misogynistic standards.

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  48. I have nothing to say regarding what you need to do, cause most every one who commented said you have to RUN, get away from him. The issues you listed are only going to get worse. If you don’t trust him before “marriage” you wont after, that is a given.

    Now, the key issues – Don’t blame him for your lack of concentration on your studies. YOU STUDY, get that degree, empower yourself. Second, what he does to himself after you break up with him is not your fault, unless you want to live in misery. If you failed your exam would you blame him? If your answer is NO, then the same holds for what he does after you let go of him.

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    • Like you said I really do not want to blame him, but then it’s taking immense efforts to concentrate and do concrete work and that is because I am always on the edge and worried and for the last few days I was so bogged down that I could not close my eyes for more than 5 mins because of this fear. So automatically I start blaming him. But I have become better in the last 2 days.

      Like

  49. Dear LW, am a bit late on this thread, but boy, what a unanimous response!🙂 So glad that you’ve decided to dump him and move on with your life! Just, remember, none of this is your fault. And dump your friends too. Over time, you will make new friends, and this time around, from experience, you will choose wisely. Be strong, be safe, dump your friends, take a vacation, and when you return, focus on your goals. All the best!

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  50. Oh well done!
    At twenty you fell in love….at 23 you realized the mess you were in……AND took corrective measures! A special hug to your parents for instilling this much of sense in you purely by example and an empathic approach towards your emotions. They simply advised you, gave you direction and waited for you to decide. Kudos to them. And you.

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  51. Hi LW,

    Great to know that you have taken a stand and informed him about it. It’s sad that your friends do not support your decision. Send them that 14 point list and ask them whether they will be happy with such a person. Love is not what is shown in movies. There needs to be respect, friendship and love in a relationship.

    The one thing you need to keep in mind is…DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT give in to his pleading of “I understand your decision, but let us meet one last time”. DO NOT meet him ever again, whether he wants to meet you in a public place or home or a friend’s house or anywhere else. DO NOT go and meet him, whatever the circumstances may be and whoever tries to persuade you.

    You will get over this. All the best.

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  52. Dear LW,
    Happy that you got out – Now FIRST of ALL – change all the passwords on all your online accounts, even ones not compromised. Then freeze/deactivate ALL your online accounts. Yes, ALL of them, no matter how inconvenient, and set up new accounts, with strong passwords that cannot be easily hacked. Look up how to come up with strong passwords, if you need that information.
    Ask your parents to contact the admin of your college, and inform them that this man is harassing/stalking you – coming from their position of authority, it will carry more weight.
    The “friends” who think you are heartless – ignore/break ties. Yes that is very hard to do – but they are no friends, if they cannot see this is wrong. Unless – do they not know these details? If so – send them all these details you put in the letter right away.

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  53. Pingback: “I blamed myself for putting myself in that situation, for being so vulnerable and so incredibly stupid to believe any of his bullshit.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  54. Advice from Firangi Bahu:
    -All the above points you listed are SERIOUS RED FLAGS. No wonder your parents have doubts. This man is a certified liar, and may even already be married! The last point about the two facebook profiles totally threw me to this conclusion. Be careful, and get out of that relationship! You are a smart girl, make smart choices!
    Sending you strength, I think you already know what you need to do. Sometimes we look back on past relationships and think, “wow, I dodged a bullet!” I definitely think this is one of those instances.

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  55. Pingback: “I wish I was more sensible at the age of 22 before eloping and spoiling my life.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  56. I’d been in an almost similar situation 6 months ago…i never felt right about anything in that relationship…i feel horrible about it now..,about how i even got into it..God.!! its over..i feel much better now…its better to be single than to be in a wrong relationship..

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  57. Pingback: ‘When husbands are jealous, they look so cute, no!?’ | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  58. Pingback: What Love Is Not, What It Is, and What It Feels Like | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  59. Pingback: “What is it in a ceremony of a few hours, that makes women fight tooth and nail to preserve the marriage, however unhappy they may be…?” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

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