“They say that they don’t have any problem with the guy, but don’t like his family!”
It’s possible that the email writer’s parents believe that when an Indian woman marries a man, she marries his family. Do the email writer and the man she wishes to marry believe that too?
Sharing an email. Emphasis (in bold) is mine – I would not ignore any of these issues, specially since the email writer plans to live with this family. Why is a daughter in law in the family unhappy/unfriendly/unwelcoming? Why the lack of clarity about where she would be living with the family when she marries into this family? Why not meet all the family members she would be living with? How are the parents to be financially supported – who earns, invests and spends, and how much?
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I have just joined this group to have some emotional support. I am being asked to choose between my parents and the guy I love. But the twist here is that, neither of them are wrong. Then how do I choose who is right?
The situation: I met a guy in college (same engg batch), and have been with him since then (approx 2.5 yrs). He immediately made me meet his fun-loving family, who adored me and loved me madly! His parents are not educated, but are very loving, open-minded and modern. Over the time, I came to know their lifestyle. I was made aware that a long time back, uncle’s eatery business suffered, due to which they had to sell their house to support the finances and their children, but are recovering now. They already live a very good lifestyle.
My parents are educated and Himachali brahmins by caste. So naturally, when i told my mom about my guy, she was apprehensive and shocked (majorly due to caste difference as he is Punjabi, and scared of my father’s and extended family’s reaction). However, surprisingly, 3 months back, my parents met him, and liked him!
🙂 I even told my parents about the financial problem his family faced, and that they are living in a rented house at the moment, and will soon buy their new house by middle of this year. They did not have any problem, and decided to slowly and gently inform my extended family whenever the time was right. All seemed to be going fine then!
Now, 2 months back, my eldest mamuji (mother’s eldest bro) came to visit us. While I was in office in evening, my mom decided to inform her brother about us, and after listening to her, my mamuji decided to visit my guy’s parents the next morning. They went there, met his parents and came back. I and my guy were waiting with bated breaths about the decision. But, we were just not prepared for what was to follow! 😦
My mom and mamuji did not like his household at all! I’ll list down their opinions in short summaries –
1) They did not like the rented house his parents are currently staying in. Even though they know that they’ll shift into their own house mid-year, but still, their first impression was not good.
2) Due to the cultural and educational difference, my mother felt that the household and people are entirely different than what we are. She feels that she and my dad can never talk to them due to communication gap and different mentality level.
3) His mom, maybe in some nervousness or what (i don’t know), gave vague answers (maybe she did not want to share it before actually moving in there). Like when my mom asked about the family’s plans to shift to their own house, she said that they are still deciding on the place, and will shift mid year. My mom assumed, that the family has lied, and has no plans of shifting at all (infact at this point of time, they have already paid the down payment of their new house). In another instance, while being asked about household financial status, his parents replied in a way to show that now they have done all that they can, and now have passed the baton to their three sons. My mom interpreted it to be that the parents have no money at all, and are dependent on children (which is not wrong, I would love my parents to be dependent on me as well). She feels that the family is under some financial trouble, despite my best attempts to expel and negate that thought!
4) His bhabhi (sister in law) created the max problem. She is very very VERY reserved, and even though coming from an extremely rich household and possessing a MDS degree, does not talk or smile much. They say its her nature, and that she was like this even at her own house. But I think she should have the brains to know what when there are guests at home, she ought to smile and greet them warmly, which she didn’t! She just kept quiet! My folks interpreted it that she is NOT happy about me coming in that household. My guy and his family are ready to apologize for her behavior, but my parents don’t want that now.
5) Last but not the least, I thought our horoscopes match (we already matched them on various authentic sites). We score 19/36. But now, my mamuji says that he has a very low mangal dosha, and that some other traits don’t match! I don’t believe in horoscopes. But he put the doubt in my family’s mind.
My guy and his family basically live as a joint family with other family members as well, who are in general very very rich. Its just that his parents wanted that my family know them first, before going on to meet the rest. Now the current status is that my parents are having second thoughts about my guy. They have asked me to take 6 months, and decide if indeed this is the family for me! At one point of time, my mom would tease me using my guy’s name, today she doesn’t like hearing his name! and then they say, that they don’t have any problem with the guy, but don’t like his family! His family is on the verge of giving the down-payment of their new house, and shift there in the next 2 months, but my mom is not having any of it!
I cannot dream of living without my guy, ‘cos he’s everything that any girl could ask for! And the fact that my parents liked him too, before having a biased opinion now, is not helping me either! I am not those sorts to run away with him, or hang a sword on my parents’ neck, ordering me to get married to him and no one else! But at the same time, my parents should understand that it is ME who’s going to stay with the family, and that I love the family! I understand their concerns, but they cannot ask me to leave the guy just ‘cos they think they cannot have a proper communication with his parents due to educational difference and mentality (both can speak awesome Punjabi though)! I love my parents, and cannot see them unhappy, but I love him too, and will have an extreeeeeemely miserable life if its not with him!
Please help! I am having a depression+nervous breakdown cos of this! Is it worth it to stand for my love, and argue this down with my parents? Will they ever forgive me? Will this decision of mine make them bow their heads down in front of society? (that’s what they tell me)! Or should I listen to my parents thinking that whatever they do will be for my benefit!?? Please please help me!
I request this email writer to take a look at these posts,
And, Please watch Queen.