Sharing an email.
I am 20 and I am absolutely petrified about my future. And this is because I am a closeted Gay man. I read your post about how LGBT movement and Feminism are related, as both of them are fighting against chauvinistic and hypocritical pigs (sorry for the language), who want to force their rules on others’ lives.
I read a poem on your blog written by Nancy Smith, Which is titled “How Feminism Benefits Men”. It struck a chord in my heart. It brought new perspective towards feminism, how it benefits both men and women. It gives women their power and rights (that they rightfully deserve) and removes pressure from men. I believe this will bring back the balance in the world.
I feel an immense urge to speak what I truly believe. To fight all the discrimination between not just queer and straight, but also men and women, rich and poor…. powerful and powerless. But words need courage to be spoken. They need dignity and confidence. Over the years I lost most of my courage, confidence and self-esteem. The day mom slapped me and snatched away the paper doll I made. I wish the world around me was less judging and stereotyped. But it isn’t. And it will take at least 7-8 years for that anti-gay bill to be stroked down, another 10 years to pass marriage inequality, another 10 years before allowing gay couples to adopt and another 10 for the society to lose its attitudes. No matter how optimistic I am, a judgment free society where everyone is free seems like a mirage to me. Or is it too much too much to expect?
A few months ago my family found out that one of my cousins has a boyfriend. It was pongal time and all the members of the family gathered for the vacations. She was scolded and shamed in front of whole family. My grandfather (otherwise is very jovial and loved by everyone) suggested setting her on fire while she sleeps. I wish it was his anger speaking, not his sanity. She was a very brave girl, I would have never survived that. (Wait!! Does that make me a lesser man?) I being the eldest of all cousins, looked at as a perfect role model. But everyday I am afraid , that they would be disgusted when they find out that I am gay.
As Arundhati Roy said in her novel “God Of Small Things”, We live in a land where love-laws dictate how can love, who can be loved , how and how much.
I wish I was free. I wish I could be strong. I wish I had the courage to put on the “Proud to be gay ” batch I made years ago. But
I know its cowardice and weak to point at the society and hold it responsible for my lonely life. Because I know that I too am the guilty. I too am the part of this scum filled society. Because silence of good people is more harmful that violence of bad people. And frankly speaking it’s my inability change anything and my insufficient courage that disgusts me to the very core of me. Its Sickening.
Life would have been so easy if I was born somewhere else, sometime later , in more liberal family, in a more equal world. The Accident of Birth.
I may sound cynical. But I am just being practical. In country where majority of women don’t have equal rights nor opportunities, How can one expect equal rights to LGBT ? And I am completely confident that the day will arrive we will arrive when we will all be free. It would take time. I don’t see a husband in my future but I will fight, so that next generation would be open minded , free of judgment or hypercriticism . When a mother won’t be ashamed of her boy playing with dolls …
This is a small poem I wrote once , I hope you find it interesting. Its called “The State Of India”
The deMOCKratic state of India,
Where democracy stands for Majority kicks Minority’s butt,
Here sex is a taboo, yet gang-rapes make it to the headlines every day,
Marital rape is legal here, for marriage is a sacred life time sex contract,
Here alternative Sexuality is crime, for God hates fags and this is a god fearing nation,
And that’s why the pious countrymen of this pious country demolished the babri and beheaded Jafri
We pay alms at temples, so that we are forgiven for being corrupt in Offices.
God Fearing Indeed!
We dump our faeces in sacred rivers and bathe in them cleanse us of our sins
Here’s a country, whose yesteryear’s leaders dreamt of “Sone Ki chidiya”,(The Golden Bird)
But now, Religious crooks lead Educated Fools
Hypocrisy, Patriarchy, Misogyny, Hatred and Superstitions hide
Underneath the hood of Tradition, Fear of God, culture and Religion.
Truly, Incredible India!
PS – Thank you for reading the whole thing. I would be very grateful to you if you can post it on your blog. And also if you have any advice for me Please share, I would be very grateful to you.