“If I was born somewhere else, sometime later, in a more liberal family, in a more equal world…”

Sharing an email.

Dear Ma’am,

I am 20 and I am absolutely petrified about my future. And this is because I am a closeted Gay man. I read your post about how LGBT movement and Feminism are related, as both of them are fighting against chauvinistic and hypocritical pigs (sorry for the language), who want to force their rules on others’ lives.

I read a poem on your blog written by Nancy Smith, Which is titled “How Feminism Benefits Men”. It struck a chord in my heart. It brought new perspective towards feminism, how it benefits both men and women. It gives women their power and rights (that they rightfully deserve) and removes pressure from men. I believe this will bring back the balance in the world.

I feel an immense urge to speak what I truly believe. To fight all the discrimination between not just queer and straight, but also men and women, rich and poor…. powerful and powerless. But words need courage to be spoken. They need dignity and confidence. Over the years I lost most of my courage, confidence and self-esteem. The day mom slapped me and snatched away the paper doll I made. I wish the world around me was less judging and stereotyped. But it isn’t. And it will take at least 7-8 years for that anti-gay bill to be stroked down, another 10 years to pass marriage inequality, another 10 years before allowing gay couples to adopt and another 10 for the society to lose its attitudes. No matter how optimistic I am, a judgment free society where everyone is free seems like a mirage to me. Or is it too much too much to expect?

A few months ago my family found out that one of my cousins has a boyfriend. It was pongal time and all the members of the family gathered for the vacations. She was scolded and shamed in front of whole family. My grandfather (otherwise is very jovial and loved by everyone) suggested setting her on fire while she sleeps. I wish it was his anger speaking, not his sanity. She was a very brave girl, I would have never survived that. (Wait!! Does that make me a lesser man?) I being the eldest of all cousins, looked at as a perfect role model. But everyday I am afraid , that they would be disgusted when they find out that I am gay.

As Arundhati Roy said in her novel “God Of Small Things”, We live in a land where love-laws dictate how can love, who can be loved , how and how much.

I wish I was free. I wish I could be strong. I wish I had the courage to put on the “Proud to be gay ” batch I made years ago. But

I know its cowardice and weak to point at the society and hold it responsible for my lonely life. Because I know that I too am the guilty. I too am the part of this scum filled society. Because silence of good people is more harmful that violence of bad people. And frankly speaking it’s my inability change anything and my insufficient courage that disgusts me to the very core of me. Its Sickening.

Life would have been so easy if I was born somewhere else, sometime later , in more liberal family, in a more equal world. The Accident of Birth.

I may sound cynical. But I am just being practical. In country where majority of women don’t have equal rights nor opportunities, How  can one expect equal rights to LGBT ? And I am completely confident that the day will arrive we will arrive when we will all be free. It would take time. I don’t see a husband in my future but I will fight, so that next generation would be open minded , free of judgment or hypercriticism . When a mother won’t be ashamed of her boy playing with dolls …

This is a small poem I wrote once , I hope you find it interesting. Its called “The State Of India”

The deMOCKratic state of India,

Where democracy stands for Majority kicks Minority’s butt,

Here sex is a taboo, yet gang-rapes make it to the headlines every day,

Marital rape is legal here, for marriage is a sacred life time sex contract,

Here alternative Sexuality is crime, for God hates fags and this is a god fearing nation,

And that’s why the pious countrymen of this pious country demolished the babri and beheaded Jafri

Pious Indeed!

We pay alms at temples, so that we are forgiven for being corrupt in Offices.

God Fearing Indeed!

We dump our faeces in sacred rivers and bathe in them cleanse us of our sins

Here’s a country, whose yesteryear’s leaders dreamt of “Sone Ki chidiya”,(The Golden Bird)

But now, Religious crooks lead Educated Fools


Hypocrisy, Patriarchy, Misogyny, Hatred and Superstitions hide

Underneath the hood of Tradition, Fear of God, culture and Religion.

Truly, Incredible India!

PS – Thank you for reading the whole thing. I would be very grateful to you if you can post it on your blog. And also  if you have any advice for me Please share, I would be very grateful to you.

Related Posts:

“Homosexuality is criminal offence, Supreme Court rules.”

The Liberals will Live And Let Live…

Who is the victim in this crime?

How do you define Sin?

How Do You Distinguish Right from Wrong?

Religion Makes Us Kind and Good!?

Pussy Riot: Does Democracy mean anybody can do anything?

If she was born somewhere else.



53 thoughts on ““If I was born somewhere else, sometime later, in a more liberal family, in a more equal world…”

  1. The poor guy. It is not true freedom unless one is free to live the life they chose. Be brave, writer . Live your life you were born to live. Remember family is actually the people who do not judge but love you for who you are, not for what they want you to be. Chose your family, wisely


  2. Don’t feel inadequate. Don’t feel ashamed to be different.
    You are not responsible for what you are.
    You have been born that way and you need to live with what you are.
    You are not “queer”. You are not handicapped.
    You are merely “differently sexed”.
    Homosexuality is not necessarily “abnormal”. It is merely uncommon.

    But, I can’t advise you to come out into the open.
    In India the time is not ripe.
    I don’t see any prospects for gays being accepted by the majority in Indian society any time in the near future.
    The courts are against homosexuality. The police are against it, the law is against it, all religious heads (cutting across all religions) and all Political parties are against it. Even if some politicians are privately tolerant, the number of votes to be lost if they support you is much more than any votes they will gain. It will never be a political priority for politicians in India. No politician will ever take up cudgels on your behalf, even if he himself is gay.

    Sorry to sound so pessimistic but to me the position appears hopeless for the next few decades.
    By the time India changes and falls in line with the West, it will be too late for you.

    If possible, try to emigrate. Qualify yourself for it and work towards it.
    Any country that treats gays better than India and Indians do, will be okay.
    Of course don’t even in your dreams consider the Middle East or any Islamic nation.
    Europe or USA would be the best for you.
    Till you succeed in emigrating, or till Indian society openly accepts you, be discreet.
    I fear that even if Indian law finally accepts you, it will take decades more for Indian society to welcome you without revulsion, or prejudices.

    All the best.


    • ‘Queer’ is a term of empowerment for some of people. Also, the Q in LBGTQ(IA) stands for queer.It’s not necessarily a bad word.

      “Homosexuality is not necessarily “abnormal”.”

      I would get rid of the ‘necessarily’ and say that it’s not abnormal at all.

      Liked by 1 person

    • GV sir, what you’ve said here is quite right 🙂

      However I would just like to clarify a couple of points.
      In the middle east, countries such as Bahrain, Jordan, Israel & Iraq aren’t against same-sex activity (unlike India; Sec#377) but don’t support same-sex marriages or recognize these relationships yet. (Of course if he were to move to the Middle East, Bahrain would be his best bet)
      And as for Islamic nations, I would say countries like Philippines & Indonesia again allow same-sex activity but don’t support same-sex marriages or recognize these relationships yet.
      Apart from Europe & US, other countries worth considering would be Australia, Thailand, New Zealand, Nepal, South Africa, Japan, China & Hong Kong.

      Source : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_rights_by_country_or_territory


      • South Africa is a very bad idea. While same sex marriage is legal there, the society has not really developed on par. The number of ‘corrective rapes’ taking place there are horrifying. I would not recommend Australia or USA either and it certainly depends on which country in Europe you are talking about. And China – definitely not!


        • Agree with Fem. Some things may be legal but the society may not be that developed. Asia is out of this discussion definitely. India legally has better women’s rights than many countries. Does that bring about gender equality in society? I don’t think so.


        • Didn’t realize that South Africa is that bad for the Gay Community. According to a website it isn’t. And friends who live there say otherwise – but don’t know about how tolerant they are of same-sex relationships.
          Again same for Australia & US.
          But I suppose these countries are more tolerant towards same-sex relationships than India.
          I forgot to add Canada – which is very open to same-sex relationships…
          And according to some websites, these countries are most gay friendly : Argentina, Belgium, Germany, Britain, Italy, France, Canada, Denmark, Iceland, Netherlands, Norway, Spain & Sweden
          But then again, these are just statistics, only people who are in same-sex relationships can tell us how they well their relationships are accepted in their respective countries.


  3. Wow.. The poem is amazing & heart wrenching.

    To you LW, I would say, fortunately or unfortunately we (we – women & the LGBT community) have to fight harder & stronger than ever before. You are not weak when you point at the society, they are worthy of the blame, but we need to find that strength & courage to face them all.
    As you say, even if the world doesn’t change while we are here, it would change for the future generations to come.
    We need to do this for them.
    We cannot let the society dictate what & how we feel. I know it hurts so bad when they accuse you of something that isn’t wrong, but how much ever it hurts, we cannot bow down to their will.

    You will need to stand up for yourself & who you are.

    This confidence & self-esteem building would take sometime but only you can start that for yourself.
    Never lose your strength & always be as you are – forever optimistic. And always, always believe in yourself.
    You are 20! and you have a long way to go, but only you can decide which path to choose. The one that is going to have A LOT of thorns on the way but it would make you feel free on the inside or the one that is laden with rose petals but would make you feel like a prisoner on the inside.
    Everything good to happen takes a lot of time & a lot of patience. And we are talking about shaking the very core beliefs of the society(however wrong they may be). It would take a considerable amount of time and a lot of courage on our part.

    P.S: Maybe you can start a little protest by yourself by starting a blog similar to IHM. Who knows in a few years, you may get enough people to start another protest against Sec 377… And if you must know, you already have one supporter!


  4. dear, i dont really know how i can help you.. but after reading your letter, let me tell you that i will promise right away to myself that, if i was to have a boy and he would be a Gay one day, i will stand by him and support him, all my life.. I wouldnt judge him or let him suffer even for a single day just because of his sexual preference..
    we are all here to fight for equal human rights and I am sure justice will be restored one day and I am waiting for that day..


  5. Just wanted to say, don’t beat yourself up about not putting on the ‘proud to be gay’ badge and speaking out. Given your uncle’s reaction to your cousin’s boyfriend, you have reason to be afraid. If society comes down hard on trangressions by women, men who decline to partake of the spoils of patriarchy can have it much worse. So being cautious in your case is understandable.

    Have you heard of gaysifamily.com? It’s a supportive site set up by gay desis. You might find the sharing of experiences and community there useful.


  6. This is such a heartfelt post that really voices the insecurities felt by the LGBT society in today’s India; not unlike the insecurity many women still go through. When did India become the playground of misogynist men where women are mere sex objects and no more and where other sexualities only exist so that you can ignore them at traffic signals? It takes great strength for a revolution of this sort within the family unit. As this poster mentions, not all of us have the courage to fight this long battle for our convictions; it’s sometimes so much easier to go with the flow simply to keep your world spinning right.

    As an aside, if you’re reading this, dear poster, I’d be happy if you got in touch with me. There’s a huge vibrant gay community with many brave tales of survival that might take the edge off your understandable cynicism.


  7. Beautiful poem, there! We do need to stand up for ourselves and strive to bring balance to this absolutely mad-crazy world. It’s difficult. Very few of us have the courage. And those who find that courage, should help others build theirs.
    A cousin of mine recently came out to his mother and to his friends. Close relatives are not yet aware, but some years down the line they would be told too. I only hope they have the good sense to accept him for what he his and not make judgements about his actions that don’t affect their lives in any way.
    Your grandfather’s reaction was horrible, and I hope that it is the fear of society that instigated him to say so, and that in time, he will get over that fear and value his grandchildren and their dreams more than mere social acceptance.
    Good luck to you, and until your family is not prepared to accept you, do explore and try to make friends with people who are open minded and who can support. There are a lot of us here online, and while we are no substitute for your family, you can certainly find encouragement enough to rebuild your confidence.


  8. Loved your poem! I feel so sad reading this, ashamed of how society has terrified you. So many things come to mind. Reminds me of how my relatives used to scold me all the time because I was too ‘unfeminine’ because I was always climbing trees, playing cricket or getting into fights. When I first learned about homosexuality as an 7th std kid, my first reaction was ‘so what?’. And then when all the kids giggled and said it was supposed to be a bad thing, my first mental reaction even then was that people were stupid (I was a pretty misanthropic kid 🙂 ) and were displaying the same rudeness and bias they showed towards me because I was tomboyish and not girly enough. I didn’t realize how accurate that was back then!
    I look back on all the hundreds of people I’ve known throughout school and college and know there must be atleast a few closeted homosexual people among them (statistically) and I feel so bad for them, to live in fear like this. I remember this one guy from university who was gay but used to tell people he was asexual (when they asked him about girlfriends) since homosexuality was punishable by death in his home country.
    Keep your head up high, be brave, and I really hope you meet people with whom you can be yourself.

    P.S. Is your cousin fine now?


  9. Two things for the LW
    – As a poster said above, get in touch with the wider gay community, especially if you live in a metro city. I think creating a space where you can be you- even for short periods of time, off the internet, would feel comforting.

    -If you are the kind who wants to come out as openly gay (in the workplace, in your day to day life)- then you have to actively work towards moving abroad. Sorry for being blunt, but if you want you live your life fully and freely, then getting out of India, which is FULL of prejudice is the best idea.

    (Incidentally, i have a very close friend, who is gay and reasonably active in his city’s gay scene. He had made his up his mind to ‘stick it out’ in India, but has begun to realise that it is NOT worth it.. He has (belatedly) decided to try and move out of India- which is actually difficult in his chosen field, especially at this stage. He really feels a bit ‘stuck’ right now, and wishes that he’d realised that waiting for things to improve/his parents to become more liberal- was a bad idea)

    I guess my point is that you are young enough to make the right career/academic moves that will enable you to a society where you can openly embrace who you are. So go for it. YOLO 🙂


  10. Dear LW,

    Such a heartwarming poem. Please don’t beat yourself up about how your family is going to react. If they reacted so badly about your cousin, one can say with some certainty they will never understand what you are going through .

    Connecting with people who are going through similar situation through online communities may help.

    You are still young. I assume you are in your final year UG. It might help you a lot if you find yourself a nice job in USA or Europe where gays are not frowned upon. Or you might start considering applying for your Masters in these countries. Staying with your folks will only increase pressure on you, and they might even start pressuring you to marry in a couple of years. So for your own peace of mind it might be prudent to stay independently.

    A person who I know of told about his homosexuality to his parents and his father’s response was ‘Can you wait to be in a homosexual relationship, after we die . But this young entrepreneur from MIT stood for himself, and I recently saw his father publicly declaring that he supports him and resents the Supreme Court decision. You can read about it here (http://reason.com/blog/2013/12/14/nitin-rao-on-indias-wrong-moves-against). I hope more people realize that they cannot dictate their children’s .

    My sincere prayers for your happiness . Be strong:)


  11. My heart goes out to you. Want you to know that like other commentators I like you and accept you the way you. Who would not like a person who can write so beautifully. I feel sad and pity your parents and family. They are so blinded by their own distortions that they are missing out on knowing the lovely and sensitive person you are. The loss is theirs. I would suggest that you leave them to their petty minds. There is a beautiful life ahead of you. There will be people who will love, respect and accept you without batting an eyelid. Maybe not as many as we would all like to but I am sure there are people who think like you and us. Try to find such people and they will be ur frnds/family. Dont beat yourself about not coming out in the open. There is no pressing need to do that and be judged by people who are so ruthless in their expression of disapproval for something so personal. You can be open about yourself at the right time at the right place and with the right people. You have a long life ahead and maybe its not the right time yet. Try to keep a distance from your judgmental family. Study and work away from them. You dont need their negativity.


  12. It gets better. It really does. At least, you know who you are. It took me 30 painful years to figure out that I am gay because of all the social conditioning I was subjected to.

    Concentrate on your career right now. The confidence and self-esteem will follow if you are independent and possibly living away from the society that fears anything different. The family may or may not come around to accept you as you are but you can still have a good life and a great love. Don’t loose hope. Life may surprise you….


  13. @the LW–I’m going to echo a lot of other posters and suggest that you move abroad. Be very careful though–there are certain parts in the US that may rival Indian society in terms of homophobia. I would suggest metro areas in blue states (in the US), pretty much all of Canada (because Canada is 99% amazing) and Western Europe (Eastern/Southern Europe isn’t exactly the bastion of liberal thinking).

    There are only a handful of openly gay people that I’ve encountered in India and they’re very privileged in terms of money/education/and they come from very liberal families. Even then, the law is clearly against them. I can’t imagine what it’s like for someone from a traditional background.


      • Yup. I grew up in the state of Georgia in a very, very conservative area. Different states/cities in the US may as well be different countries entirely.


  14. You have to be happy, you will wear your badge when you feel the time is right and safe . it will happen. best of luck and
    I would strongly suggest you move to some other country, India does not have what you want right now. Sure you can stay and fight, but you can also move away, be happy and fight.

    If i were you I’d be trying my hardest to leave.


  15. You are not a coward at all, but very brave for being honest with yourself. Have you considered writing more? I think you have a gift.

    You are only 20 and probably still living at home as a dependant. The world can feel hopeless when you have such little control on your life. Strive towards independence first of all. Emotional and financial. Study, get a job and try to move abroad (as others have advised). Studying in Germany, for example, is nearly free and very accessible. The work visa situation is good too. You might have to learn German but that’s not so bad, eh. 🙂

    Once you are independent, the confidence and self esteem will follow. You will probably find a family of friends who will accept you for who you truly are. Your family’s attitudes will not have nowhere near as much impact on your life. When my sister and I were little girls, people would ask my parents right in front of me ‘oh, two girls. why don’t you try for a boy? there’s still time’. No one can get away with saying such things around me now. Including extended family. They don’t even try. It is satisfying to see how weak bigots really are when they have no power on you. Hence, my advice to get independent. I hope you will find your own place in life where you can be comfortable in your own skin. All my support and good wishes with you.


  16. Dear LW,
    Congratulations for coming to terms with your sexuality. I am sure acknowledging and accepting how you feel must have been a difficult journey, given that homosexuality is neither discussed nor accepted in our society. You have already shown great courage: how many of us have the strength to accept who we are?
    I only have sadness on hearing your story. Only one time in my life have I defended my position on being gay. The person I was speaking with was a young girl with a strong conviction that what the church said, was always right. No matter how much I argued that someone’s sexuality is an individual preference, she still saw it like a sin. An abominable sin that could somehow be overcome only by prayer. She also felt that such people should not be acceptable and it was okay for them to be disowned by their family. What I heard, made me sick. Here she was, passing judgement on an attribute that she had never personally encountered in her circle of people, yet was vicious in pronouncing them as bad people. I cannot even begin to imagine how someone would deal with that level of prejudice. BTW this experience was in the US. So, I think you run the risk of running into such types anywhere. At least though, unlike India, there are pockets in the US where these thoughts are not acceptable.
    My only words of consolation are that please count me as one of those people who feel that the LGBT community deserves respect and equal opportunity. I believe that a person’s sexual preference is an individual choice and their private business. There is nothing about being gay that stops you from being a fully functional, loving and compassionate human being. These qualities transcend sexual identity.
    You’ll probably have to make some pretty difficult choices in the years ahead. I hope you find a community of people with whom you can be yourself and find an accepting family amongst them.


  17. I agree with some of the sentiments but not with the advice. Gay rights are minimal in most of the world. Of course, some countries are worse than others. I would suggest that the LW, if he does plan to immigrate, try to go to a country with a minimal number of religious people. Countries with huge religious populations such as USA or Australia will not help him any more than shifting from Mumbai to Delhi or from Lucknow to Vellore. Countries like Belgium and Netherlands where gay marriage laws are allowed can be considered. Please don’t clump the entire ‘West’ into one category in this or you might get a nasty surprise.

    I don’t know what your socio-economic or education level is, or even whether you can get the opportunity. In case you decide not to, just move to one of the metro cities in India away from your family and their bigoted views. That, in itself, would give you freedom, Seek out the active gay communities in many of the Indian cities and try to gain and offer support. Make friends who are not judgemental or bigoted.

    If you choose to move abroad, research carefully what kind of laws the country you are proposing to move to has. Also, try researching on the society there before you move. Engage in conversation with citizens living in that country and let out you are gay and explain your situation. Get the best advice straight from the horse’s mouth. Just don’t end up in Texas and expect to be treated any better than in your family. It won’t happen!

    All that sounded bleak, but what is good about your situation is that gay rights are actually being talked about now, and not just brushed off as a fad. Many people recognise it is a real thing and many people are also speaking up for it. It is easier to live your life as a gay person today than it was 50 years ago. This is what I tell myself when I get depressed about the status of women in the country.

    You are not a coward. You are young still and you will learn how to tackle your life. You might be surprised at who might come forward to support you. There are a lot of nice people out there waiting to help you and make friends with you and offer you emotional support and you will find them in the most unexpected places. For the moment, do not consider outing yourself but do get a job and start saving for the day you might be on your own. Being financially independent is of utmost importance to everyone – men or women, gay or straight, married or single or in some other sort of relationship.

    Good luck! You’ll be fine. Just remember you are a normal person with normal desires and refuse to engage with bigots.


  18. Dear LW,
    Wanted to share my cousin’s story with you. He lives in India and is 30 now.
    His parents have been after him to get married ever since he was 25 and landed his first job. The pressure started increasing when he was 28. He became more and more distant from his parents as the conflicts over his marriage increased. He stopped calling them. And when he did, he would give very little info as to where he lived or where he was working.
    I knew him from my childhood – he is 15 years younger than me, so I feel more like an aunt to him, but as he got older, we became more like friends. He always emails me or sometimes call me. Never once did he mention he was gay. I thought he was simply not interested in getting married, and his parents were predictably having a fit about it. I thought he was close to me because I never asked him when he was going to married, and seemed not to care about it, and we talked about other things – his work, his love of his motorbike, taking long rides on dangerous ghat roads (which I’m always cautioning against), etc.
    So, recently, he told me, “I think I’m gay. No …. I KNOW I’m gay. No, let me say this again. I AM GAY. There! I said it. Are you shocked, akka (sis)?”
    Me: “Hmm. Surprised, yes, but not shocked.”
    He: Is this going to change things for us? Does it make you uncomfortable?
    Me: Not even a tiny bit. You are still the same crazy motor bike riding idiot to me. Haha 🙂

    I think he feels a tremendous relief. Just sharing it with someone seems to lift a huge burden.
    So, dear LW, please try to find someone you can talk to and share things with – maybe an online blog might help you connect with others who are going through the same pain. We all need someone who understands. Be strong and all the best!


    • I have a similar sort of bond with my cousin. He took almost 13 long years to even come to know what he was. Poor kid, since the age of 8, he was in this constant turmoil, unable to express what he was going through. He finally found himself over the course of the past 3 years, and he, his mum, and I were so relieved that we’re finally in the clear about his situation and we can offer all the love and support that he needs. He even slowly prepared his friends and came out to each of them individually. He took his time gauging their reactions, attempting to know what they thought of sexual minorities, etc. Then, when he was confident enough that they weren’t going to shun him or detest him for he was, he confided in them, and has their support too.


      • Heart warming to hear this Pallavi. I think if we can offer our unconditional love and support, they will be stronger and be able to take on other battles that the world throws at them. You said, “He ………. came out to each of them individually. He took his time gauging their reactions …..” This seems to be exactly what by cousin is doing. I don’t know who else he has told. He’s testing the waters before he confides. But it sounds like he has friends who know and accept and are not bothered by his orientation. He is slowly building his circle of support.


      • Yes, I’m quite happy with the way he’s working out things for himself. Also, those of us who support LGBT folk need to be strong too. We need to be able to hold our own when someone says/does something against someone we love who has a different orientation. That’s when our support will really matter and give them courage to carry on. Hain na?


  19. I hear you. LGBT individuals are worse off than women in our country – At least being out after dark, or having boyfriends aren’t considered legal crimes!

    Please don’t feel bad about not openly fighting against the status quo. Not everyone can be Subash Chandra Bose, or Gandhi. And it’s not as if they were fighting for their freedom at 20 either – I’m pretty sure they both enjoyed their youth, although Gandhi was on a guilt trip for most of his “excesses” (popular reading in many Indian text books) I think it’s awesome that you are at peace with being gay, and not ridden with guilt/in denial. You’ve overcome a lot of your social conditioning already, and that’s not easy. If I were you, I’d be fighting for ways to ensure my personal safety and happiness first – you are young yet, you have many, many years to fight for what you believe in passionately.

    Please give emigration a serious thought (I hope your degree is favorable to a job in another country). Many people have suggested places, I just want to add that San Francisco is awesome (albeit expensive) – being gay here is just as normal as being in a marriage of convenience and living with the in-laws is in India.


  20. Reblogged this on Hidden Passions and commented:
    Growing up..Being an Indian, just like others I must have made fun of gay men in general until I learned about what being “Gay” means. It touched my heart and I hope all the men and women find their stand in the society and not differentiated based on who they are.


  21. A husband for you is not out of option. If you really wish to live as who you are, the best option is to move out of India. Like GV pointed out, Your true self will be more accepted in the West (USA and UK) than in India. Get in touch with LGBT groups. Get like minded friends. You won’t feel so lonely and suffocated then.


  22. can somebody clear my doubts?
    i read this story few days ago

    the writer claims about many female qualities he posses, and comes to him naturally, while being Gay..
    does it mean males and females have different psychology(unlike what feminist claim),
    and gay man are more prone to have female psychology?
    Not my claim, but words from this post—

    “As a child, even before I went to school, I loved dressing up like a girl. Once my parents went to work and my brother and sister went to school, my grandmother looked after me. Left to myself the whole day, my favourite time-pass was dressing up as a girl. I did not enjoy the company of other kids, unless they were girls.”
    “One such was my fear of crackers, which was not considered masculine. As part of festivals, when my father and brother burst crackers in front of our house, my sister and I hid inside the house.

    “Whenever left to myself, I dressed up like a girl and danced. ”

    and many more in the above link..


    • Not all gay men are feminine and not all gay women are butch. These are stereotypes which are just that. Every individual is different. Everyone’s experience is different. Anyone, men or women, may like to dance or be scared of fire crackers and may or may not be gay. Cross-dressing is quite a common phenomenon. Its more acceptable when women choose to cross dress than when a man do so. Again, it doesn’t make them gay. All women who wear trousers are not lesbian. Similarly all men who like feminine dresses are not gay. Sexuality concerns who you feel attracted towards and not how you like to dress. They are very different things and are completely unrelated.

      This particular individual happens to be more in touch with his emotional, which is often referred as feminine, side (all of us have an emotional and a logical side, how open and accepting you are of different aspects of your personality defines you) and happens to be gay. This does not mean that all gay men are supposed to be exactly like him and should love dancing and be scared of fire crackers. Neither do all straight men supposed to enjoy fire crackers and not like dancing. These are individual preferences and has nothing to do with your sexuality.

      Although it may be easier for gay men to accept their emotional side than straight men. Men stereotypes make it difficult for men to accept their softer, more emotional side.

      Please refrain from stereotyping entire community based on one person’s life and experience. We all are different. We all are human.


    • Is this a genuine question? You think all women are the same and all men are the same and they are definitely different from each other ‘psychologically’ .. and also that all gay people are the same?

      Err.. have you not come across the obvious fact that people are individuals or are you just generally a fan of generalisations?

      My husband and I are both afraid of lizards. Please tell me whether this makes us both men or both women or both gay or both straight?


  23. I think these stereotypes about faminism/LGBTs/Faminity/masculinity makes it even harder to fight for equality and right.

    As the people who dont want to let it happpen always get an opportunity to make these communities confuse and actual fight disappear from scene.

    Poor state of affairs.


  24. “My grandfather (otherwise is very jovial and loved by everyone) suggested setting her on fire while she sleeps.” I totally feel for your situation about coming out in your family but when death threats are uttered you need to do something about it! I hope it was more of a sarcastic remark on your grandfathers behalf because if he indeed was serious it is your duty to do/say something. Not saying anything is inexcusable.


  25. Dear LW,
    I feel for you. I have been absolutely horrified at the SC’s decision to re-criminalise homosexuality, and I feel as if Indian society is very homophobic. Which is strange, considering the historical background of the hijras and Khajuraho, etc.
    I have six gay family members. I have two aunts that are legally married. I have two uncles that are legally married. (We live in Canada and gay marriage has been legal for ten years). This is normal to me. They are incredible people and they have shown me a great example of what love and devotion is. Both have been together for over 30 years.
    My husband is Indian and he also has two gay family members but they are closeted.

    My advice – make a life for yourself. F* society….be true to yourself…be proud of yourself. You are a beautiful human being just like everyone else with the capacity to love. Don’t live in fear. Change WILL come…I know it…


  26. Pingback: Why are these dads such a threat to patriarchal social structures? | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  27. Pingback: And what would have happened if this man had declared that he was gay and hence would not marry a woman? | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  28. You are who you are, people, family may or may not like it…but think about this, you get to live this life once and this is your life, thought people & family are a part of it…you should love yourself enough to stand up for yourself…
    It may be the hardest thing you ever did but it’s better than living a lie to fit in, when you clearly don’t…


  29. Pingback: ‘Older people in our society need to learn to have a life of their own. Instead of seeking happiness in their kids’ lives, …’ | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  30. Pingback: ‘Both families arrived at a compromise and she decided to continue to live with her gay husband.’ | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

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