“I have reached 26 and my parents have started pressurizing me. My BF is the same age. But my BF is youngest in family!”

Sharing an email.

Dear IHM,

To begin my story, I am 26 year old working in an IT company for past 2 years. Living independently for past 8 years that includes my education and work experience.

Now I have reached 26 and my parents are looking for guy for arranged marriage and have started pressurizing me. Me and my BF’s are of same age. But my BF is youngest in family. He has an elder sister and brother who are still unmarried. They are 3 years older to him.

We are now utterly confused what to do and how to take things forward with family.

If he talks with his family the emotional drama that you have unmarried sister how you can think of your marriage, you care about that girl etc etc will start.

If I talk with my family they will start this right age of marriage, think about your younger sister, how you can marry in different caste etc.

Everything will turn up into mess without any result in our favor. This way is not giving a positive vibes to me for our relationship. It will create only tension and increased pressure on both of us to break this relationship.

I am very depressed these days. Why there is such strict hierarchy of marriage? May be his brother thinks of higher education and didn’t get married then what will happen to our marriage.
If my BF pressurizes his brother to get married then what about his higher education in case it takes time in marriage of his sister and brother. What about my sister in case if I wait for my BF for 2-3 years, then her marriageable age and time will come in way.
Why I have to marry within a 1-2 years so that my sister gets married on time? Why in our society, we (we included everyone) have to scarifies our happiness, our aspiration, our dreams and love for our dear ones? Why to scarify for maintaining marriage hierarchy. If I refuse to do so and take tough stand then I will be termed as selfish, mean, troublemaker, black sheep, self-centered etc etc by everyone (includes parents, extended family, friends and faceless society).
Why we can not marry when we feel that we should marry for love and partnership in life. Why there is such a strict rule for marriage among siblings. Why we are labeled as traitor if we stand for ourselves. Why our society is like this
I am very sad and depressed. What should I do in this situation? We want to take our relationship forward but don’t know what should be our next step.

Please help.

 Thanks
In Love
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86 thoughts on ““I have reached 26 and my parents have started pressurizing me. My BF is the same age. But my BF is youngest in family!”

  1. Pingback: Indian Shaadi Logic – by Prateek Shah | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  2. You ask a lot of questions, I ask a lot of times and sometimes in life, things just are, there are no answers. Hopefully our generation can work on changing them because things do change. Societies are changing.

    As for the question, first you need to determine, if both of you can stand strong together aka are you both willing to fight together.

    Second, no way avoiding the drama because other people’s behaviour is not under your control. Be firm, there will be tears drama and all the works, but will you fight for this because you value it enough is the question.

    Another thing to note is that it is okay to change your mind. In midst of the battle, if you feel you are not into your bf, it is okay, don’t feel obliged to be with him just coz you fought with your family. Also, that does not mean that you marry whoever your family tells you to because you are not going steady with him.In some ways this battle will get people off your back.

    Somebody has to fight for change right?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The first thing you should do is sit down and have a frank talk with your boyfriend. Discuss and come to a decision on the following things:

    1. Do you even want to be married to each other, either now or later? If not, then ignore the pressures at home and continue with your relationship as it is.

    2. If yes, then discuss under what circumstances you want to be married and approximately when that would happen. Do not take your parents and their pressure into consideration here. This needs to be about you two.

    3. If you manage to arrive at a decision or have decided to leave the decision for a future time, make sure you reevaluate your situation in another year or so. Generally, this is silly in a relationship, but with two sets of parents breathing down your neck, it helps to understand how you feel.

    4. And when you have made a final decision, whether it is a time frame for getting married or merely the decision that you are not yet interested in the commitment, communicate it to both families.

    5. Don’t get into an argument or go into lengthy explanations when you talk to your families. Just tell them this is how you feel and this is what you are going to do.

    6. Whatever you do, do NOT pressurise your boyfriend into marriage if he is not ready to do so. Instead, distance yourself from your parents and refuse to discuss the matter with them. Inform them of your decision and after that, simply refuse to talk about it. Leave the room if the topic comes up. Hang up the phone if they call to talk about it.

    7. Don’t make any hasty decisions. Convey to your boyfriend that this decision should be up to you and him, not to your parents or his elder brother or sister.

    Good luck! I firmly recommend keeping a physical distance from your parents at this stage, so if you are living with them, move out asap. It gets wearying living under this kind of pressure day in and day out. Your main priority is YOU. Do what will make you happy.

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  4. @the LW

    I have a few questions–did you and your BF start thinking about marriage after your family brought up arranged marriage, or were you thinking about it earlier? Do you think you’re ready to get married to your BF?

    After reading about many ‘love’ marriages gone wrong on this blog and others, I’m very wary of ‘love’ marriages in between two traditionally brought up people. There’ve been so many cases in which the boy and girl fight with their families, the families finally agree, then the girl moves into the boy’s family’s house and is subjected to horrible treatment because ‘we allowed you to get married so now you must do exactly as we say’ or ‘my family allowed you to marry me so now you must be their personal domestic slave.’

    I feel that the only way things will work out in these situations is:
    a) the relationship is solid. both partners are financially independent
    b) a united front against both sets of parents
    c) very, very strong personality in both partners to overcome a multitude of threats/blackmails that are going to come your way
    d)no unreasonable compromises (like agreeing to move in with his parents after the wedding and adopting their ‘customs’)

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  5. Honesty is the best policy wherever one is positioned whether at home in the family,at work or anywhere under the sun.
    As you are an educated and independent girl you yourself have to solve these issues.
    First introduce your friend to your parents and tell them where you stand with him.
    (I do not know ‘how deep’ you are into this relationship.I must categorically state that in our Hindu society there was great wisdom in refraining from ‘going too far’ before marriage.The scenario is fast changing in contemporary society which causes stresses,strains and finally depression on those who flout traditional values.Every action has a reaction -कर्मफल.
    These values were ‘enshrined’ in our Sanskriti because they were actually refined for formation of character).And I feel very strongly about this ‘issue’ before marriage.
    Marriage is sacred बन्धन and the spiritual voyage of life.
    So in Hindu society parents being ‘experienced’ chose partners for their children.However,today with Westernized education (sadly all of us believe that this is modern),freedom and monetary independence both men and women are moving on.
    Their attitudes to our own sage traditional values is also changing with this ‘foreign’ thinking.
    In our society family is the nucleus round which everything is centered.
    We do not exclude family and family values for the sake of our individual happiness.
    One’s own pleasure ,happiness is attained when everyone especially elders and parents are ‘satisfied’ and with their blessings.So त्याग was at the root of the route to happiness.
    Having said that we also know that often many many parents are not ‘ideal’ and have their own interests dictating their attitude and actions.
    Superficial values like name,fame,position,riches and honor come in the way of taking right decisions.
    This is rampant in our society today and so the young also have become ‘rebellious’ towards dictatorial parents having false ideologies.
    Becoming reactionary will not solve such issues.
    Truth,wisdom,love,patience and above all purity of thought in the action to be taken will count.
    So under these circumstances both of you should first discuss with each other,then your individual families,and then together with the families.
    Marriage of brother,sisters is all fine but at times younger people get married before older siblings.This should not come as hindrances.
    You could get engaged and wait for some time period before tying the knot.
    Frank open discussions will always lead to sound wise solutions.
    About coming from different castes is something that could matter to some and could be just passed off by others.What should really matter is character.
    Here your parents will have to think deeply with care for your future happiness etc.
    Today caste may not matter to you but will you both feel the same way even after 10 years from now?Will you be able to stand the test of time?
    These are the questions you have to pose to yourself and answer for yourself.
    Finally and actually what really matters is the individual you.
    If both of you have the dedication,courage,confidence and affection for each other then nothing can hold you back.
    So with my very best wishes for you to take the right decision in this matter concerning your life.

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    • What is your hang up with “foreign” thinking? Our “traditions” have been twisted enough that there is literally no protection for women. Also, sex is just that. Attaching more importance to it than it deserves is counter productive because it prevents parents from having open discussions about safe sex. Not everything that is “foreign” is bad, you know.

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      • from what I know sex is not “foreign”😉

        ooh wait! silly me! sex for anything other than procreation or fulfillment of a husband’s “natural urges” is the problem. if we women start expecting good sex we won’t have the opportunity of attaining liberation through “tyag”. no?

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        • I’d like to point this person to all the sculptures in ancient temples in India where they depict not just sex, but sex in multiple positions, orgies and the like.

          Also, why would sex before marriage ruin the sanctity of marriage?

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    • sorry to burst your little Hindu apologist bubble but…

      If l don’t act, l will suffer the results of other people’s actions. Lack of action is the biggest sin of a human. It is better to act and suffer the result than be passive and suffer the result of someone else’s actions.

      Valmiki’s story teaches us that even family will not be there for you when you suffer the consequences of the tyag you performed for them.

      Sex was always an integral part of Hindu marriages. The Manusmriti recognized inter-caste marriages as well as “gandharva vivah” – A marriage with no ceremony and only sex.

      Without Western education you would have neither antibiotics nor modern medicine in India. No technlogy and no English. And certainly no Internet, education for women or the ability to criticize “Western” culture or “modern” education. I’m happy to live in 21st Century India. Thanks. l find “Bharat” suffocating.

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    • What a hunky dory picture you paint! Unfortunately, the reality is parental oppression, child marriage, dowry, caste divisions, caste oppression, lack of rights for women, loveless marriages and inability to survive without depending on a hundred people.

      It is the couple’s decision when and how and where to have sex, and how to deal with the situation. Having sex is a natural and biological act and does not lead to ‘stress’. In fact, it alleviates stress. What does lead to stress is how every crazy person who thinks they have a say in your life, reacts to your sex life. If you feel strongly about this issue, please don’t have sex before marriage. This is nothing you should be demanding of other people.

      Marriage is an artificial social construct. It was originally started to pool resources and increase productivity, both in terms of work and children. You might like to note that humans only started marrying once they settled down in one place. It is a relationship, nothing spiritual about it.

      Rights to choose your own partner is a basic human right. However experienced your parents are, if they insist you marry a person without your consent, they are effectively participating in rape. Parents cannot make you feel love for a person, it has to happen by itself. In the past, such marriages chosen by ‘experienced Hindu parents’ were mostly about convenience, not love or relationships. Western education has nothing to do with it. Until about a hundred years ago, the West too had the scourge of arranged marriages. I don’t see what the harm is in financial independence for everyone. Or do you think relationships must be forced by dependency?

      No person can make another person happy by being unhappy themselves. Wanting happiness for self is not a sin. It’s human. We all deserve happiness, irrespective of our families. People are responsible for their own happiness, including every member of a family. I’m sorry, my own pleasure would only be attained if my elders recognise that I am a fully functional human being and love me because of that. They need not always be satisfied by my choices but they need to accept I have the right to make them. I also expect them to support my choices, whether or not they agree with it. I shall also return the courtesy.

      “Truth,wisdom,love,patience and above all purity of thought in the action to be taken will count.” We are not all Mahatma Gandhis or Nelson Mandelas. Some of us are Subhash Chandra Bose and Emmeline Pankhursts. Each of us has a different way of dealing with problems. Being direct, being calm and not taking any nonsense is my way.

      I can’t believe you actually brought up the caste issue. If they don’t care about caste today, what would change in 10 years? They are going to turn into bigots in the next ten years? Seems unlikely to me!

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    • @vijayaa108, i don’t label or limit myself by picking a set of rules/traditions to follow. i choose freedom , freedom to decide my own priorities , responsibilities and duties, decide where to invest my money,affection nd time. If that makes you think ‘western’ or ‘modern’ ..you see who are labelling things here right?
      Its basic science that sex is an adult all-grown-up human being’s physical need. You trying to implicate anything different only puts you and your logical acumen in very bad light.

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    • SO basically try and become Gandhi, buddha, shravan kumar and spineless human all rolled into one. Excellent !!!!!
      Just the advice we want to give to the youngsters couched under the guise of religion. ( oh god !!!)
      and what a treatise on sex!!!!
      i simply dont know what to say.

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    • “These values were ‘enshrined’ in our Sanskriti ”

      *rolls eyes*

      “these values” were brought in along with blouses for saris, prudism, and the like, by Victorian Brits who set up house in our country until 1947. It’s a real shame we are still a slave to the “sanskriti” that even THEY have discarded long since.

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    • @vijaya108
      Thank goodness western values were here long before I was born, so eternally grateful for them and men/women who fought who make it happen.

      What has Indian or Hindu culture and tradition ever done to benefit anyone other than upper caste men?
      If there was no western values/education and we were still in good old days of glorious indian culture
      – we will continue with in-humane treatment of large swaths of population in the lower castes. Generations would be stuck doing the same menial work simply because of their birth family with no scope of education or opportunities.
      – women will still be burned on funeral pyre of her husband
      – we will still have child marriage
      – young widows if not burned alive will be shunned aside, live miserable lives with shaved heads, give up meat, colorful clothes, left to beg on the streets of vrindhavan
      – women will obviosuly have no rights, no education, no property, no wealth and live as slaves dependent on mercy of their husbands and families.

      Most of these ills are still present in society today, but atleast it is no longer legal and acceptable way of life. Anyone gloryifying the past with such empty prose makes my blood boil.

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      • You are indeed carrying a very big chip on your shoulder against Bharat,her cultural traditions and also against the upper caste!
        Pity you did not have the choice to be born elsewhere and were born in this पुण्यभूमि called भारतवर्ष!
        If we have people of your ilk in Bharat we do not need external enemies at all!
        Wouldn’t it be better if you along with the person as ‘big as a thumb’ (who has also replied with a comment) emigrate to another country where you will never have to fight against any injustice.
        I am quite amused at the graphic picture you have painted of the very country of your birth.
        Horrible injustices like child marriage,being burned on the pyre with your husband,suffering terribly at the hands of the husband’s family,with clean-shaven heads and drab clothes roaming on the streets of Vrindavan!
        What a horror land called Bharat!
        And yet paradoxically this land has given Light to World civilization.
        As you are ‘western educated’ and lucky to have been born after western education came to Bharat you could try reading a bit on famous Western world figures like Thoreau,Mark Twain,Yehudi Menuhin,Kipling,Arthur Schopenhauer,Romain Roland et al.
        There are many more names I could suggest but for the time being this is quite an array for you tackle.

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    • @vijayaa108, you say:
      “today with Westernized education (sadly all of us believe that this is modern),freedom and monetary independence both men and women are moving on.”
      – Are you willing to give up your fan, lights, air conditioning, your dining table, your comfortable clothes (other than angavastra), your shower, your water supply, your bed, and other comforts? All of which we have, thanks to “Western education”? How about freedoms like equal rights for girls and boys that allow girls to attend school, graduate, and have equal access to jobs? Should we give that up too, since we got it from Western education? How about the blessings our parents are enjoying due to modern medicine – coronary bypass, insulin shots for diabetes, medicines for BP, glasses for their poor vision, joint and knee supports, all the things that allow them to continue to live happy productive lives?

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      • vijayaa108
        Wow! wow ! wow ! I I’m not surprised at all. Unfortunately your kind exists and in big number and they outnumber us. They defend all their actions (fair /unfair) using “shastra” (some sacred because, I believe none of your kind would have read but picked from parents or relatives, who would in turn have done so too).

        Infact, it is not even of changing times or western cultures! Indians who actually contributed the sculptures of Khaharaho/Kamasutra – and we have just a great understanding of sex & spirituality talk such a shit ! We are definitely doomed to inherit a society we do.

        Please read this book “Sex & Superconsciousness” by Osho ! And you will know how true is rings with you if you are even little bit honest. Your type will actually start ridiculing at the mention of “Osho” itself.

        I’m surprised you are still making a case against inter-caste marriages !

        And.. a lot is already said, I don’t need to add ! .. But I just pray – that the author of the e-mail in the article actually fight it out and “our types” grow !

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        • Shri Singhal,kindly read my posting with greater care.
          Never did I criticize inter caste marriage .
          And sorry that you who are so westernized use
          For your information my parents had an inter-caste marriage and I am richer and very fortunate due to this very fact!
          Regarding Osho ,he was an avant-garde and one must remember that everyone cannot be Osho and need not become his follower.His truth was his own and I have no grudge against him.
          It would be expected on blogs such as these that ‘more westernized’ persons like you would refrain from using ‘street language’ 4-letter words.
          If you ever were to subscribe to western educated ,cultivated people’s blogs you will discover that the first and foremost unsaid rule is to use polite and civilized language.They do not stoop to the lowest common denominator.
          Thank you!

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        • For you perhaps Mr.Anil Singhal’s type of language is polite.
          Of course it depends on your own personal set of standards viz. using crass words as ‘S-IT as polite.
          Well what goes round comes round!
          On another note,I find that all (3) of my replies, except the one to Mr. Singhal to which you have replied are ‘still awaiting moderation’ and so have been ‘censored’ deliberately.
          So freedom and liberty is partial and depends on the ‘class and category’ of “your type” of thinking and writing.
          Thank you very much to IHM and her ‘set of rules of freedom of expression’ and all of you Western educated women and men whose writings and thoughts have indeed ‘enlightened’ me.
          Perhaps IHM should categorize the type of people whose ideas and thoughts she would like to include on her blog.

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        • I am just wondering as to how my last response ( along with all other comments from others on the forum) successfully passed moderation whereas my 4 earlier responses are still awaiting moderation!
          However, it does not matter.All this talk about ‘equality for women,justice and liberty’ could not even qualify for one of your own gender-I being one!
          Someone said that the greatest enemies of women are they themselves!
          That is the root problem.
          And then what is all this sound and fury and bragging about Western education?
          I repeat once again that Western education cannot be equated with Modernity.
          This comes about only when there are ‘honest values,enlightenment and fair play’ put into practice.We do not require something called Westernization for this to happen.
          Would you consider your forbears to have been ‘savage and uncouth’ just because they were not western educated?
          Anyway,thanks to you for enlightening me by exposing your values of honesty and fairplay!
          शुभचिन्तनम् सहित ।
          In case you wish to you could listen to this video talk-Grand Narrative & ‘Indra’s Net’ at Indus University on YouTube by Rajiv Malhotra.( very American but भारत-जन्मी )

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        • “But I just pray – that —– “our types” grow !”
          Yes I pray along too🙂 … “our types” should grow in multiple folds!

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      • Never did I ever state anywhere that I am against western education.
        I wonder how could you ‘interpret’ my posting as though I am an enemy of western education!
        However, westernization does not mean as modernity -denial of one’s own संस्कृति ।
        What I stated was the innate anathema of some of our people against anything that is indigenously Bharateeya once they get western education.
        Unless one has roots in one’s own संस्कृति one will be like गंगा गए गंगाराम,यमुना गए यमुनादास!
        I am out and out for women (being a woman myself) but with balance.
        For women to be free,independent,educated,enlightened along with virtues of compassion,honesty,sincerity and enlightenment.
        To be a woman is to act with wisdom,discrimination and enlightenment.

        Who does not appreciate the comforts of modern life!
        However,you have confused the issue when you say that modern comforts,advancement in medicine etc is due to Western education.
        Not at all!
        This is because of INNOVATION of the human mind and intelligence.
        Western education is not to be confused with modernity.

        Kindly do not misinterpret my words.

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    • Wow, I am appalled by your ignorance. Not only about ” western education” but also about hindu traditional values.
      All the traditional societies including western and eastern had arranged marital unions which were built unilaterally on women’s sacrifice formally called patriarchy. If you have not noticed, that is the very thing this blog is trying to fight against or bring awareness about?
      Gosh!

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      • When did I ever state that woman should sacrifice herself?
        Before casting stones at another person’s ignorance try to look at yourself !
        This is what happens when you interpret a संस्कृत शब्द with an English equivalent.
        त्याग has a completely another connotation that differs from the word sacrifice.
        Look up these words in Apte’s Samskrit Dictionary and then you may comprehend.
        This is a fine example of being divided by the same language.
        And I categorically disagree with over-simplistic sweeping statements about unilateral patriarchal systems.

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        • Is it not better to convey in ways that those we are communicating with can understand what we wish to convey, instead of requesting them to consult dictionaries?

          Which particular ‘over-simplistic sweeping statements’ about patriarchal system made over here do you disagree with?

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  6. I don’t think its that hard for your bf to get married before his brother sisters. He is also 26 and in the same Indian system boys are also inclined to get married by 27/28. His siblings are three years older them and they would be under lot of pressure to get married.

    You can’t ask his brother sisters to get married directly. But you can ask your bf to get married before them.

    Actually in this case , I think more than your in laws the answer depends upon on your bf siblings. Present the question to them , see their reactions and answers, deal with that. It will tell you how open minded they are , whether they agree with people living for themselves or whether they are caught up in tradition. Will tell you a lot about the family. If they don’t come through the chances of in laws coming through are nil. If they come through , your problem becomes far more simpler

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  7. “If I refuse to do so and take tough stand then I will be termed as selfish, mean, troublemaker, black sheep, self-centered etc etc by everyone (includes parents, extended family, friends and faceless society)”

    You have to ask yourself if you’re particularly bothered by it. Does it make you feel bad to be labelled these things? I mean, obviously, it hurts to be called such names by your own family, the people who are supposed to support you regardless of anything that happens, but in all seriousness, why let it get to you?

    So you are selfish. So you are mean, a trouble maker, and self-centered. Good. It is important to look out for one’s self-interest from time to time, especially when it comes to matters like marriage. Your parents are not going to get married. The rest of society won’t experience your marriage. You alone will have to live with it. You, and your significant other, are the only two people who will be in that relationship. So of course you’re only going to look out for yours and your partner’s interests! There is no one else’s interest to look out for, because they’re not even invested in the marriage. It’s just you and him. And if having this outlook on life makes you, me, and every other person who thinks this way “selfish”, then yes, I will gladly be selfish. That’s a good thing in this case.

    Anyway. With respect to the rest of your problems. You have to understand that this is a particularly difficult time in your relationship right now. Not just with your family, but also with your BF. You have to ask yourself which of these relationships you want to prioritize. And you also have to ask yourself, if it’s worth it staying with your BF and getting married, even if it means that your respective families may never speak to you again.

    These are difficult questions, and they require a lot of thought. In the mean time, the best way to keep your relationship with your BF from cracking under the strain is to simply talk to him. Talk to him about the issues you are facing. Most likely, he is facing the same problems. Between the two of you, ask each other how far you are willing to go in order to get married and continue with the relationship. If you are both in it 100%, then realize that you have some difficult times ahead of you, and that there will be moments when it will seem like it’s just easier to abandon the task. It will be times like these that you need each other’s support the most. So be there for one another. Communicate. Talk. Don’t keep your feelings from him.

    You are probably looking at the very real possibility of damaging your family relationships. This is a given. Those relationships are going to take a hit, no matter how you try to cushion the fall for your parents. They will talk about things like “honour” and bring up the whole, “What will others think?” shtick. It is important that you come to terms with this before you tell them anything, because once you do, there is no going back without damaging your relationship with your BF for good. And that’s not a thing you want to do either.

    Best of luck.

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      • I’m sorry, what’s funny about people killing themselves, again?

        when society is screwed up to the point where people feel their success as parents depends on the marital status of their children. and when this sense of failure leads to depression and suicide, most of us find it depressing.

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        • “parents depends on the marital status of their children. ” wat is not funny about tis?? The most stupid thing is to give up life..tat too fr tis silly reason tat kids r not married or married out of cast.. hillarious!!!

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        • It happened to one of d friends of girl I taught tat she was beaten by a teacher infront of whole class. She was in ninth. She committed suicide n wrote tatvin d suicide note too.. later d news channels stated tat she was pregnant n so committed suicide wich was nt true.. the school’s reputation was saved.. I don’t think I can ever again believe the “news”

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    • I read the report.
      I doubt these are the reasons for the suicide.
      If so, the suicide note would have mentioned it.
      There may be other reasons which we may never know.
      In any case neither of these reasons should be a reason for suicide in these modern times.
      A happily married son (whether it is a choice or arranged marriage) and an accomplished daughter, however old she may be, but who is doing her doctorate in Singapore ought to make any parent proud.
      So many parents would love to be in their position.
      This suicide is sad but it need not deter modern youngsters from pursuing their dreams unfettered by outdated and unacceptable rules followed by an earlier generation.
      Regards
      GV

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  8. Dear LW,
    I am sorry to hear about this difficult situation in your life. I agree with a lot of the issues you’ve raised – why must you get married at a certain age? Why must you not get married before older siblings? And most importantly, why does this cause so much outrage and resonating effects both within and outside the family? However, if you disagree with these old fashioned notions, then I think you are going to have to be brave and stand up for yourself and your bf. I expect it will be very difficult at first and both of you may face a lot of emotional blackmail from your families. But like many others have said, please first decide if you want to get married to your bf NOW. A lot of love marriages in India are sadly more accurately described as:
    1) Lust marriages (not including yours!), where two individuals are attracted to each other and instead of dating, jump straight into marriage within weeks of meeting
    2) Marriages of convenience (again, not yours), where two individuals have not real romantic feelings for each other but enter a marriage where each party will theoretically benefit in some way (I personally don’t see this as a marriage but as a business transaction but let’s not get into that now)
    3) Reluctant marriages – now without more details, I could see you in this situation. What I mean in this scenario is that a couple have been dating for a while but end up getting married just because “it’s the done thing” and Indian society sees dating as simply a prelude to marriage. This means that although two people may genuinely love and respect each other, they are forced by families/society to marry sooner than they would like, which ironically may be the downfall of their relationship.

    I hope that scenario 3 doesn’t happen to you as you sound like a mature and down to earth person. So please have a chat with your BF and parents about being able to marry when you feel ready instead of when is seen as a “right age” to marry. If it is overwhelming or upsetting, please don’t just give into what they want as at the end of the day, if wanting to be able to marry someone who makes you happy at a time in your life when you are comfortable with the idea of marriage makes you a selfish person, I would much rather you take the label of being “selfish” than marry too soon or break up with your BF.

    Good luck and lots of love,

    Garima

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  9. I’m going to assume that you and your BF want to get married, but are wary of telling your families because of the backlash that will follow.
    Step1-I suggest having a very in-depth talk with your BF, exploring what you want out of marriage and how much you are both willing to compromise (or not)/ how far you are willing to go against your parents- in order to make this happen.
    Step 2- Tell your respective families. It’s better to know what their reaction is (rather than assume the worst)- you may be pleasantly surprised at best, at worst, you will know where you stand. The fact that you are independent empowers you to take this step.

    BTW,I have a friend in a very similar situation🙂 So similar, that I suspected that she’d written this email:) Her BF doesn’t have a sister, so you can’t be her. Anyway, she’s decide to break it off with her BF IF his parents say no because she doesn’t want to deal with disapproving in-laws for the rest of her life. I actually admire her for this- love is fine, but you cannot spend years trying to please in-laws🙂

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    • Perhaps this also means that she didn’t trust her boyfriend enough to stand up for her and her rights after marriage. If the man puts his foot down, the parents in law generally don’t insist on converting the girl into a doormat. But for this, she must have a mentally tough husband.

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      • Perhaps. I happen to know the BF as well- he’s the kind of guy who seems like he would put his foot down.
        Still, sometimes the most loving and supportive husband cannot entirely cancel out the kind of s**t some people put their DILs through.
        I’m just glad that she’s decided not to live her life making compromises that she is not okay with. I wish more people could be as clear-headed, about what life after the wedding ceremony would be like.

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  10. I think this whole thing about waiting for older sisters and brothers is total bakwaas. If you have 2 consenting individuals who are in love and they feel they are ready to take the plunge, then, nobody should stop them. In my case, my husband was 26 and I was 22 when we married, he had a 22 year old sister who was unmarried then. My MIL tried her best to pressurize my husband to wait for 2-3 years. He was very clear that he didn’t want to wait, he was living in US for 5 years, had a great job and a steady income, he wanted to share his life with someone. Finally they relented. My MIL held a grudge about this for a long time. Her daughter got married at 25, my then, we were 4 years into our marriage and were parents of our first child.

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    • I agree. I know a family with 3 daughters and the youngest one was actually married first – that too as an arranged marriage- because the parents got sick of the older two (the eldest was 31) telling them they weren’t ready yet.
      Of course it took a lot of drama, but eventually stopped trying to persuade the elder ones (who were perfectly happy being single)- and the youngest one (who was quite keen on an early wedding) got her way.

      Parents aren’t completely inflexible, and often can be more liberal than are given credit for, especially if they see their progeny is genuinely happy. In this case, the LW is obsessing about the parent’s reaction without even telling them her thoughts!
      I had the same apprehensions about parental disapproval once upon a time- and was pleasantly shocked when they proved to be rather easy to convince- after some initial difficulty.

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  11. Why do you have to take all this into consideration. We got married before my husbands elder brother did. They were searching for him and nothing worked out, doesn’t mean we wanted to wait🙂.
    just educate your parents, my In-laws are orthodox and event hey didn’t have any issues with this arrangement and neither did the older brother.
    dont assume, sit down and talk, a lot of problems will be resolved.

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  12. I’m close to the 5th decade of my life, and am not married. No signs of getting married either, but am not stressed by it. My much younger brother is married, and is father to a beautiful daughter. What does age have to do with anything.
    As far as being selfish, etc is concerned, well, if you don’t think of your own happiness, then who will? When everyone else is looking out for themselves, why should you not?

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  13. Dear LW,
    The first and foremost thing is that you nd your BF have a talk about marriage and see what are the thoughts that both of you have, and ask him if he really has any plans of getting married and if yes does he have a time frame. Once, you both are on the same page regarding the time frame and marriage it is best to communicate the same to both the families. I say best because by communicating you will actually know their reaction and also
    1. You will understand whether his family and his siblings are supportive
    2. Also, given how you describe their family this communication and meeting them will truly expose them to you and will help you understand if you fit in with them at all
    3. You should also analyze how far you are willing to support each other and the relationship if either of the families disagrees to it.
    4. You also need to discuss future plans and clearly look at the family customs if the BF says you have to live under the same roof with them
    5. Look at how supportive your BF is towards you and also analyze if he will continue supporting you in future
    6.Also, please don’t think of marriage without meeting his family and visiting their house as we this is just as good as marrying a random guy.

    Also, to all people who say that parents don’t matter and that it is just the two people involved in the relationship that matter etc; I want to know where should the girl go when trouble arises in her marriage? How many times have we read on this forum here about girls who are being treated worse than dogs on the street by the so called family that they got married into by choice?
    Even when it comes to caste, there have been innumerable cases where LW have told how they are expected to miraculously adapt to the boy’s house after marriage and let go of their stuff.
    Given all this, it is really wise to pay attention to the points that parents point out and give some thought to them before jumping to conclusions and just moving away from them.By this I mean, if your parents point out caste, talk to your BF and see how he reacts and what his views are on this. If he expects that you adjust and like all Indian men thinks that you will change after marriage then think about whether you are ok changing.
    Also, don’t be in a hurry and marry the arranged marriage way just to please your parents. That is entirely a wrong thing to do as by doing that you will be putting another person through hell. Take time to think about what you want out of marriage, how much you are wiling to give to the relationship and marriage and what you want from it and only then take the plunge be it with you BF or with any other person if you break this relationship.

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    • I definitely agree that the LW should ensure that she is treated like a human being after marriage.

      What makes you think parents would support women treated like dirt in an arranged marriage? That’s what the courts are there for. The woman (not girl) should go to a lawyer or the police (depending on the circumstances) if things go wrong. For emotional support, she can go to friends if parents are not inclined to involve themselves.

      You immediately assume that the main worry of parents is their children are actually compatible and that’s what they discuss before marriage. That’s wrong. Their main worry is to ensure that their kids don’t rock the boat and they don’t have to make any explanations to the society at large.

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      • @Fem,
        I am just saying instead of merely generalizing all parents into one group why not think about what they are saying too. I know of many parents who think about compatibility too and not just society. Also, for any one in relationships its easy to just think that parents are only concerned about themselves and their image in society,but some amount of time can be put to think if they i.e. girl and boy involved in relationship are actually strong enough to mentally withstand the pressure. Initially things always look rosy, its only later that we actually begin to realize and that is when problems start.
        I am not assuming anything about parents, its out of my own experience that I wrote what I wrote above. My parents met my ex BF couple of times and said that I might really not be happy with him and so did not accept and then for some days ex BF was all with me, told me he will support me and etc but the moment my parents did not agree to the relationship, he started putting pressure on me to have “sex” with him as then my parents will have no other way other than to accept. It was only then that I actually started thinking about certain things that my parents pointed out and then when I discussed these with him, I actually found out that we will never be able to make it in life and so broke up.
        Most of the times, in such situations our emotions are really high and all I wanted then was to make the relationship work and did not think about a lot of aspects and its only thanks to my parents and their support that I am where I am today in a very happy place and in a very happy relationship. And this has been the case with many of my friends too where it was the parents who helped the girls in identifying the red flags in their relationships. So, it is all a case by case thing and I feel that it is wrong to generalize all parents and just blame them always. As adults, I feel people in the relationship should think about various aspects pointed out by family and friends and then take the decision. Nothing wrong in spending some time thinking rather than wracking brain later on how to deal with the problems and how to get out of the relationship.

        Like

  14. Briefly:

    To the letter writer: Cross the bridge when you come to it. Even an anticipation of possible problems is becoming your problem. Don’t wait. Like others advised, talk it over with your BF, and both families. Then seek advice or suggestions if there is a problem. We will be better equipped to help you after knowing how the families reacted actually.

    vijayaa108: When I read your comment, I predicted to myself that it would result in more responses to your comment from some readers, than advice to the letter writer! I was right. Please don’t be put off by all those thumb downs. Please participate in future blog posts also even if your views are not well received by some readers. It is good to have a “orthodox” views also expressed here. There are many silent readers here who want to read them. One such reader once wrote to me saying he wanted to speak his mind, but was “scared of the female tigresses, lurking at this blog site!

    Regards
    GV

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    • @GVjee

      I wonder if the fear of expressing one’s views comes from an understanding at some level that the views they hold are unfair and unbiased.

      I would not hesitate to post my ‘liberal’ views on some religious fundamentalist blog even though I would probably face a huge backlash because I have complete conviction about my views. But if I knew deep down that some of my views have no reasoning or inherent fairness/ justice apart from the “this is what our shastras tell, therefore it must be right” argument, then I would be wary about someone bursting my bubble and laying it all out for me like it is.

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      • IHM,
        Please consider carefully during moderation before publishing this comment. It’s okay with me if this comment does not appear.
        ————–

        Thanks Clueless for your views.

        No, I don’t think those who hold on to orthodox views lack conviction.
        While some might be afraid of and unwilling to confront the readers here, many of them have conviction but consider it futile to argue here on this platform. They know that a meeting point cannot be reached.

        I am a member in various types of forums and one particular forum consists of elderly members most of whom would thoroughly disapprove of the views being expressed here.

        I have often tried to elicit reactions from some of these orthodox elders to some fiercely feminist views expressed here. I had sent them the links and enquired if they wished to respond.
        Not a single person wanted to. While some were afraid, some considered it an unfair match.

        One person told me : “From behind an anonymous veil, these ladies can afford to be outspoken. How many of them have the guts to come out publicly with their names when expressing views like this?
        I would be willing to discuss only if they discard anonymity which gives them an unfair advantage.
        In real life they are probably docile ladies who dare not speak like this with their families. They take out their angst and rant like this on blogs like these. Let them let off steam. We need not take them seriously.”

        Another friend of my age group with whom I had shared some particular postings on this blog, tut tutted disapprovingly : “GV, what the hell are you doing here? These are fulminations of frustrated feminists. Ignore them. Don’t waste our time by sending us their poisonous views and expecting us to respond” .

        Another opined : “These are the views of selfish women, who have made a mess of their married lives, and driven their husbands/parents/in-laws to despair and are eagerly dishing out dangerous advice, guaranteed to wreck even more lives.” He was particularly referring to Desigirl’s prolific writings which she had quoted liberally in her comments. This was some years ago, when I too was a newcomer on this blog. (Sorry Desigirl. I am merely quoting. Don’t mistake me)

        (All quotes above are as nearly as I can remember them, and are almostly exactly their words)

        I value and like this blog even if I don’t always agree with everything that everyone says here. In real life, my age and gender would make it impossible to participate in discussions with modern young ladies. This blog has opened a window into the minds of modern educated and finanically empowered young women, whose population was negligible when I was a young man, and enabled me to achieve some balance in my own thinking on various social issues.

        I apologize to anyone who is hurt by what I have quoted here.

        Regards
        GV

        Like

        • Comment #1: Unreasonable generalizations. The internet is never truly anonymous. I’m Not sure how you can leap from blogging under a pseudonym to being docile in real life. I’m exactly the same. My parents, husband, in laws , colleagues, friends, domestic help… Everyone hears the same feminist views.

          Comment #2: Presumed moral superiority. The person is not even bothered to hear what l am saying. they already have an opinion and they just **know** they’re morally right.

          Comment #3: Clear ad hominem attack. They attack people not arguments.

          The difference between them and me appears to be that l listen before l respond. l don’t claim to be right. l claim to live by a value system that has been tested by me. l don’t force it down your throat. Please leave me alone too!

          As an aside. It’s not safe to have a single internet identity which is tied to your real life identity. You can reach me on my blog if you’d like to know more.

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        • In response to your acquaintances who believe in repression and demeaning of one half of the human race:

          1. I don’t see these ‘gentlemen’ come out with these names either. Why would he consider anonymity gives anyone an unfair advantage, unless he is actually considering harassing women who express views that don’t make them doormats? I regret to break his filthy heart but in real life, I am not a docile lady but yes, sometimes I don’t speak with my family when I feel they are unreasonable. The reason I post on this blog is to make more and more women aware of their options. And brother, you had better take me very seriously if you ever come across me in RL.

          2. Well, at least this one is honest. He can go his way as much as he likes, but if he crosses mine, I shall expect to be treated with respect, failing which he would get a full blast of my ‘fulminations’. Even if he is only the kindly looking grandpa who goes after me to put on a pottu at weddings. I especially despise them.

          3. Yes, selfish but happy and independent. Our husbands / boyfriends / parents and in laws have driven us to despair and made us fight back against the repression. We give advice that would save more lives. Encouraging women to fight for basic human rights is what we do. Men like you will become very obsolete very soon and men like GV will rule.

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        • Dear GV,
          conviction is just a strong belief or opinion.so,irrespective of what people believe in,they can have convictions.But I think what clueless is trying to question is how people form those beliefs- based blindly on some books or some swamyji’s words or based on logic and reasoning.If its the former,he/she might feel intimidated on this forum because they dont have much to fall back on ,other than repeating those beliefs.
          In response to person no.1-Is anonymity such a big advantage in the kind of discussions that we have?or is he the one who is trying to hide behind the strength of numbers?By refusing to discuss the view,I feel he is giving away his game too easily-an escapist.All their other statements are just personal jibes.Do you foresee any kind of meaningful debate even if you manage to bring these people to this forum?I have to admit, I tried and failed in such pursuits.Any personal attack or judgement is a big red flag for me-the discussion wont go anywhere.

          Like

        • @SB, Fem, Kay, Satish, wordssetmefree, Aparna, Machine-Gun,

          Thanks for responding. I had hesitated considerably before posting those quotes and then shrugged off the responsibility by passing the buck to IHM and letting her decide.

          These quotes are only those I received when I attempted to make them react to views on this blog. There is plenty more of really vituperous stuff on various social issues aired from time to time, on our forum, by a small sub-group and the silent majority, don’t want to spend their energies in taking them head on, and we simply ignore them. This small sub-group, in this other forum, indulge in mutual back patting when views like this are aired publicly. If you read them, they can make you retch! One particularly nasty post dealt with one member’s revulsion for women having periods and quoting scripture and verse to justify their isolation during menstruation and also citing modern scientific evidence in support. Another ranted and raved when an accomplished girl from our community chose to marry a lower caste non vegetarian of great merit. He had attended the wedding and gave a blow by blow account of all that he found repulsive during the wedding ceremonies (conducted in accordance with the customs of the groom’s community) and he reserved all his acid and bile for describing the non vegetarian feast that the grooms family gorged on like gluttons!

          In the past, I have shared privately with IHM the writings of some more incorrigible members in our group.
          They are of course a hopeless minority, but they are very vocal and the man who called you “female tigresses” will probably proudly call them “male tigers”. (Their poor grammar is the least of my concerns. If I could educate them I would give them lessons in modern civilized thinking first before teaching them any grammar)

          Such people have views permanently set in cement concrete within their minds and after a lifetime of holding them, nothing can change them. They belong to an era when hardly any woman was educated, or economically independent like most modern young women. They are all mostly retired folks with plenty of time on their hands. They live in the past and recall with nostalgia their privileges which they sincerely believe has religious sanction. Some occasionally rail against their “disrespectful” daughters in law, and grand-daughters, many of whom begin their careers with incomes more than the income these people retired on as salaried executives or non executive staff. Many can’t adjust to this sudden fall from privileged positions which their fathers and grand-fathers enjoyed and which they had looked forward to in their retired years. After reading their views, I am not surprised at the doings and the sayings of the Khap Panchayats. We have them in our own community too!

          I agree with all who say there is no point in debating with them.
          It is best to leave them well alone.
          Regards
          GV

          Like

        • @GVji,

          It sounds like the old (or older) men in these examples have a hard time dealing with the new world – where they see women being more educated and making more decisions on their own. They have spent a lifetime lording it over their wives, the idea of women as equals is very threatening to them. What better way to belittle women’s struggle than to call them unflattering names?

          About anonymity – I just attended a media workshop at my company last week that discussed crime on the internet, and safety on various platforms. Maybe safety is not an issue for old men, but it most certainly is for women of all ages.

          “Frustrated feminists” – do your acquaintances know that feminists are both men and women?

          “Have made a mess of their married lives” – Aha! Once again, marital status and marital success, are brought in as last-ditch desperate attempt to judge women’s worth. There are a lot of happily married people (including myself), as well as a lot of happy single people on this blog, What does marital status have to do with anything? That’s like saying all the people on this blog have dandruff and are frustrated about it, and are taking it out here. Lol!

          Like

        • another thing (not sure this thread is even active)

          GVji no need to be so considerate also. we’ve heard all this and worse but still going strong!

          Like

    • Most discussions on this blog are driven by logic and reasoning. Yes, some topics are hotly debated, but that is the sign of a healthy, evolved mind. Interesting how this gets termed as “tigress” behavior. I’ve found the posters on this blog to be mostly fair and respectful, even when they disagree with someone’s views. No name calling, just the plain facts and the logic that ties them together. If someone is being especially aggressive, maybe the guy who wrote to you should walk a few steps in her shoes. Maybe what he is automatically entitled to, she has to fight tooth and nail for. Maybe basic freedoms and fundamental happiness has been denied to someone – unsurprisingly, such individuals can indeed sound like tigresses. Maybe it’s better to be a tigress than be eaten alive. Ironic, isn’t it, that you have to be a tigress sometimes, to be treated as human?
      On the other hand, I do agree with you GVji that all views must be expressed. Many people are on the fence, they are not sure which way to go. Their elders are telling them one thing, and their mind and heart are telling them something else. They will hopefully benefit from these tug of war debates between the traditional and the liberal minded.

      Like

    • the tigresses are not lurking. the person not posting is lurking. What’s there to be scared of ?

      If we disagree we’ll point it out. We’ll even give clear reasons and facts and citations. If he has a reason beyond “the elders said that Shastras say that…” we welcome the healthy debate! But as a confirmed agnostic l will not accept the “Mummy said so” approach most conservatives/traditionalists seem to favour. I have no patience or time or interest for that kind of debate.

      Hinduism encourages agnosticism and questioning, btw. Indian Culture, however…

      Like

    • “One such reader once wrote to me saying he wanted to speak his mind, but was “scared of the female tigresses, lurking at this blog site!”

      That one such reader is a sexist who’s afraid of being called out on his sexism. I’m a female human being, not a tigress (btw, ‘female tigress’ is a redundant term).

      Just like that person who wrote the whole Lalli article–who, on top of being a sexist, was a massive racist. I do believe that group you posted about only consists of members who are of a certain ethnic/caste background–I would not be surprised if they didn’t want to post on a broader forum (such as this one) as they would most definitely be called out for their racism/ caste-superiority complex.

      At the same time, I feel like these people are way too old and set in their ways to change. As long as they’re not violent racists/sexists or public policy makers, I’d just leave them alone. Debating with them really won’t help anyone.

      Like

    • GVji, I support your statement requesting people like @vijayaa108 to continue entering their comments here. While I do not necessarily agree with orthodox views, they have every right to have their voices heard as long as they make their points politely. Also, every so often, I get the feeling we are all mostly like-minded people preaching to the choir here…it helps to have different-minded people involved in this conversation, even if they hold extreme views that we might find unacceptable…

      About the other quotes that you mentioned from your online acquaintances, they are more or less to be expected from people who have strongly-held views that they cannot (or do not want to) justify in front of other people who do not hold similar views. But the hostility and the hatred behind their comments is disturbing.
      Phrases like “frustrated feminists”, “poisonous views”, “selfish women”, “mess”, “despair”, “dangerous”, “wreck more lives” are terms we usually associate with ardent misogynists. “Tigress” is actually a wholesome compliment when compared to these other words.

      Also, in the context of your request for them to participate here, none of these phrases matter in the slightest. How does it matter whether the women (and the men) in this forum are docile or frustrated or selfish? What matters is the rationality and the fairness behind their viewpoints.

      From our end we can provide orthodox people a safe, non-judgmental environment to air their views (if they are so inclined). However, if the views themselves do not hold water, then the tigresses will, of course, tear those views to pieces. People deserve respect…Their viewpoints, on the other hand, have to earn respect.

      Like

  15. My cousin sister had and exact same problem and in an inter-caste marriage scenario, so they were fighting with two bombs at the same time. So, the BF didn’t tell about my sister until late because he will be taken as “BAD” who is in such a hurry to get married ! (In our society it is also construed as something to do with “need for sex” and hence bad !). So, that kind of waited for a year or two where it reached a point where my sister couldn’t avoid the pressure of the family. Around that time they both told their parents ! .. there was a turmoil for a while and eventually they got married, and his sister married a little later !

    You know from what I have seen, one thing parents (with slight modern thinking) are receptive to the idea that it is difficult to get a good match, blah blah !.. So they may actually be OK with it ! Mostly , it is not a problem with them, but a problem of their thinking vis-a-vis society as to what will they say.

    Like

  16. This sucks.
    When the youngest wants to marry, they say ‘but what about your older siblings?’.
    If the oldest does not want to marry yet, they say ‘but what about your younger siblings? ‘
    Agreed they are all siblings, but why forget that they are individuals too?Does the constitution of free Independent India say you have no right to marry unless your siblings born before you are all married blah blah blah?
    Just because they have siblings doenst mean that cant live life their way.
    To hell with society and its UGH rules.

    Like

  17. okay… let’s leave both your families out of the equation for a bit.
    Do YOU want to be married right now? Does your boyfriend?
    Would you really have considered marriage right now if it wasn’t for your parents pressurizing you into it?

    If the answer is no, then tell your family that you don’t wish to be married right now, not cos your boyfriend is the youngest, but because you genuinely do NOT want to be married as of now. And deal with the emotional blackmail that follows, cos hey… what else can you do!

    If the answer is yes, you two do want to be married right now, then your boyfriend will have to tell his parents about you and tell them that you both want to be married and deal with THAT emotional blackmail.

    You’re in for a rough ride, so buckle up and good luck!

    Like

  18. Hello LW,
    When I too reached 26, my mother especially, increased her pitch and fervour to see me “settled”. In hindsight, I feel that she was insecure about my future and acted on those fears. For my part, I didn’t hold on to what I felt more strongly. Over time, my resistance eroded and I was swept away in a series of choices – converting a close friendship to a guy to a BF, then agreeing to marry him, which then I backed out of… and many other such personal decisions, which I don’t think I would have made if I didn’t feel the marriage pressure. I should have been more secure in my understanding of my nature and ambitions; a maturity that dawned much later. Thus, from my personal experience I would implore you to put the two events – your relationship with the BF and the marriage pressure in two separate bins.
    I was not living at home when the pressure started, so being away didn’t help. Unfortunately things said even in email and phone stay in your mind and keep doing loops. As others suggest, really understand if you want to turn the relationship you have with your BF into a marriage? Be brutally honest about what *you* want, as opposed what you think is *expected* of you. If there was no marriage pressure, would you even be considering marriage with your BF? The motivation to get married should not be fear. If you just want to continue exploring your career and having a BF, that’s OK too. Don’t rush him or yourself into a situation with families without being absolutely sure that you want marriage. If you are certain, then talk to your BF. If he is not certain, don’t impose your views on him. If you both are on the fence, don’t give into the urge to rush to a decision based on your parents. You’ll have to find strategies to fend them off.
    Only if both of you are absolutely convinced, tackle the problem head on with candour and courage. There will drama and nastiness. Don’t try to control or suggest what other siblings should do or not do in this situation. This is your life and you can only control how you react, not how anyone else reacts – BF, parents etc I have discovered that when I stand firm in my belief and don’t let anyone dictate terms to me (I still let them talk to me or through me depending on the person), finally my decision is acknowledged. I use the word acknowledge consciously. This is different from acceptance, which is very difficult to gain. The final word for me is respect: you can continue to disagree with my viewpoints (the right age to marry, whether to live with in-laws etc), but respect my choice. Similarly, I disagree with my family’s viewpoint on certain subject, but I respect their choice. I find that reminding myself of this mental attitude again and again helpful, while trying to navigate tricky personal relationships.

    Like

  19. Dear LW, 2 comments (Vijaya’s and GVji’s took us off into related side roads – although interesting side discussions both🙂
    Good and comprehensive advice has already been given to you by many others, so I didn’t want to add more. Just wanted to say, my niece is about your age, and sometimes she sounds just like you🙂 She asks, ‘why are things this way in our society’ often. I tell her that’s because things have been this way for a long time and change is sometimes a slow process, and if want society to change, we must begin with ourselves. So, don’t despair, and hang in there. Be clear on your needs and communicate them to your family. All the best!

    Like

  20. Hi All,
    Thank you all for your suggestion.
    Now cat is out of bag at my home. The emotional Blackmail has started but for me this is No or Never moment. I have decided that I will stand for my self. On my BFs part his family is aware of our relationship and take it seriously.

    I hope things will work out.
    And to the people who takes stands on Great Indian Culture. In our culture nearly all gods had love marraiage eg Lord Shiva,Lord Krishna etc then why to oppose love marraige on name of culture and caste.

    Like

  21. Advice from Firangi Bahu:
    You have been living independently for all this time – that means you call the shots in your life. Get married to your boyfriend, and get married on YOUR time frame. Don’t LET yourself be pressurized. This is your life, girl…

    Like

  22. Pingback: “I want to take my own time, get a job, then think whether or not to get married. But, I can’t tell my parents all this.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

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