Sharing an email.
I am a 27+ Indian female, I got married a year back in an arranged marriage.My husband is 31, 4 years older to me. Both of us are only children, and while he comes from a pretty rich family with huge property etc, I too come from a well off background. My husband had done a Masters in Finance and Accounting followed by a CPA. He works in a bank in London. He had tried applying for British citizenship thrice and got rejected thrice. His salary has stagnated for the last two years.
His friends, who are top investment bankers and consultants and MBA’s from top schools in India, earn two and a half to three times what he does, they’ve bought apartments in London entirely with their own money.
He now says that he hopes to do an MBA from London Business School or if he doesn’t get through London Business School then from some “top” school in USA. That is how he says he can catch up with his IIT/IIM investment banker and consultant buddies. I think its difficult to ever catch up with them, given how high they’ve moved in their careers, also he says he won’t do consulting as there’s “no life”.
I have moved to London to live with him.
Before marriage, he had mentioned that he’d recently applied for British citizenship but didn’t mention that he’d been rejected twice before or that he’d applied twice before. Thus, we had no idea that he’s such a London freak.
He had also never mentioned that he plans to do an MBA, especially that he plans to go to USA for his MBA for two years. The topic of MBA had come up briefly in our conversations when I’d mentioned that all my male cousins are IIT and/or IIM A grads. He got very annoyed that day saying that he’s not an IIT IIM, and if I don’t like it I shouldn’t marry him. His mom had also called up my mom saying that their son is very upset, and that if I’d wanted to marry an IIT, IIM guy, I shouldn’t have spoken to their son.I had then apologized and said I had no desire to belittle him, I was only mentioning my cousins settled abroad.
Even in all this, he never mentioned that he wanted to do an MBA, or that he’d given his GMAT twice before in the last year. We’d also mentioned many times to them that I am not at all a career oriented girl.
After marriage he started pressurizing me to immediately try to take up a well paying job because otherwise how will he do an MBA, who will earn and who will stay in London with a job while he goes off to USA to do an MBA (he feels he wants to come back to London to look for a job after doing his MBA in ase he doesn’t get a campus placement in London, and if his wife is not working there, it won’t be possible for him to do that.
As I said, his family is very well off and they’d had bought him a lovely apartment in a posh locality in London for which his dad paid the down payment and he’s paying the EMI.
He wants someone who’ll pay the EMI now while he fulfills his “dream” of doing an MBA.
His mom had called up my mom and said that while he does his MBA in USA, I can take up a job and remain behind in London as I’d then be earning in pounds and can pay the emi. My mom was furious on hearing this, especially since before marriage they’d mentioned that they’d rejected one software engineer girl already because she wanted to go to USA for one year on a project and the entire purpose of marriage is to live together, so why should they spring this surprise now upon us of me having to live alone in London for two years?
My husband will be 32/33 when he starts his MBA and 33/35 when he completes it, depending on where he gets in.
When I asked him why he didn’t mention his MBA in USA plans before marriage, he said I should’ve specifically asked him whether he plans to do an MBA.
I find it difficult to accept that, I feel if a 30+ man is getting married, he should’ve ideally completed all his education and educational “dreams” (stuff like PHD and Post Doc are different, as you earn while you study those stuff) but stuff like MBA’s, not even Executive MBA’s should be ideally completed in the Indian context. (I feel the same even if this was a 30+ woman btw)
If they’re not, and if the entire expectation is that the wife who is 4 years younger will run the house, pay the EMI and bills etc and keep a footing in London for the hubby to come back and job hunt, while the husband does an MBA in USA then that should be mentioned before marriage.
I completely understand that in the modern context, it is often expected that both husband and wife work and earn, but in an arranged marriage, with a 30+ husband having “dreams” to do an MBA post marriage with the wife living & working alone in London, it should be mentioned.
Instead all they’d mentioned was that they’re very against “long distance relationships” and they’d cancelled a girl who wanted to go to USA for just one year, because the “very purpose” of marriage was being together.
I had also told him before marriage that I might open a business in London, to which he’d said okay, now he strictly wants me to get a high paying job.
I am an only child and I’ve always “loved” kids and had hopes of being a mom, and soon. In fact, I’d often told my friends and relatives that I’m getting married because I love babies and want my own ones.
I am 27+ now, and I would ideally start trying for a family now, or by the time I’m 28, so that I could have my first child by 30.
My husband says he can’t even think of children, because they’re unaffordable given his salary in London, but he can’t think of going anywhere else(except for his education). If he does his MBA, I’ll be 31+ when he completes it, his mom and all my three paternal aunts had hysterectomies due to cysts and fibroids in their early thirties, I’m very worried I’ll also suffer from such stuff then.
I also feel cheated with this whole MBA lie.
What should I do? I have contemplated divorce
Sharanya – the OP
EDITED TO ADD:
Please read these comments by Sharanya – the OP before responding.
I’m an Office Assistant btw, a Secretary, a PA. How easy is it for someone like me to
1) quickly land a high paying job in a foreign country
2) pay the EMI for quite a big apartment and maintain a decent standard of living for myself?
He had also told his parents that he wanted a ” very beautiful” wife as he comes from such a high status family, I don’t want to sound vain but I am quite attractive. He also wanted someone who was traditional and homely and I ticked their checklist about these qualities.
However i’ve never been very bright academically nor has my career taken off brilliantly. I made it all clear to them and I thought its obvious anyway.
I’ve met some very bright girls in UK who earn a lot, my husband & his parents should’ve ideally searched for such a girl.
His best friend, that Mc Kinsey guy’s wife doesn’t work, she’s studying something and her husband funds her education, they had a love marriage and dated for 5 years before marriage, he also sends 1000 GBP (this becomes a big sum in INR) to his in laws every month as her father passed away early and she has three younger sisters and a mom who needs the money.All this was agreed before marriage.
He can afford such a wife, my husband can’t afford a Secretary wife and we wouldn’t have agreed to the match anyway had I known all these plans.
This was an arranged marriage and one of the biggest foundation of future love, respect & trust is truthful disclosure of all facts before marriage, which was trust king in our case.
2. Sharanya – the OP on February 24, 2014 at 1:08 pm said:
3. Sharanya – the OP on February 24, 2014 at 12:34 pm said:
4. Sharanya – the OP on February 24, 2014 at 12:04 pm said:
5. Sharanya – the OP on February 24, 2014 at 11:47 am said:
6. Sharanya – the OP on February 24, 2014 at 9:38 am said: