Do you think it is easier for men to find wives than it is for women to find husbands? If yes, then what makes it easier for men to find life partners? Are women (trained to be) better qualified or more easily available as men’s partners? Or do they expect less?
But what if women didn’t feel that they had to choose men who earned (or earned more); and marry men who were older and taller? What if women looked for compatibility, common interests, mutual respect and a sense of humor – for Partners and not for Providers and Protectors?
Sharing an email.
My dear IHM,
We have never communicated before, but, I have been a silent reader of your blog for many years.
I feel a little embarrassed to share my story with you and ask for advice, because truthfully, I have none of the problems that so many of your readers write to you about. However I really am in a lonely place and need help.
I am a 32 year old woman, coming from a wealthy family, the only child of two working parents. My family has always supported education, my mother ( and my grandmother) are both professors at the university. I was always taught to speak my mind, do whatever I wished. I was a nerd and read a lot, but also I learnt the arts, music and dance. I excelled in school and went abroad to college and then to do my PhD. Since finishing my studies I have moved back to India to start my own small business. I have always been a bit of loner, but I had friends always who I socialized with, but – and here is the catch- I have NEVER been in a relationship with a man. I don’t know why, I convinced myself that I am unattractive to men, but a friend of mine recently commented that I am too much of an over achiever to for men to get into a relationship with or marry, as they need to feel superior to their mate. I can’t help my achievements – and neither do I want to pretend to be a damsel so that I can attract an MCP.
I want to be in a relationship and get married, so when my parents suggested the arranged marriage route, I went ahead. So far however, I have been rejected because I was “not good looking enough”, “dark”, ” heavy” or “too educated”. I registered myself of shaadi.com and the likes, but there was no one that came up.
Now, my friend has hooked me up with a guy who works in Hong Kong. He is very sweet and nice, but we have NOTHING in common. I am a thinking intellectual person and always want to learn. He likes to socialize and drink. We’ve had conversations where I realised he doesn’t understand where I’m coming from. He says he likes me and we should get married – we have met once. My father – who has always loved and supported me- said to me that I may not find anyone else so I should confirm this. Try to like him and change him after you are married. It’s better than anything else.
I don’t think anyone can change another person. Is this really it? the only person I’ll ever find? A sweet guy who has no interests? Yes I am really lonely. I am one of the only single people I know, it is very hard some days. But should then I “compromise” and marry someone I don’t really like very much? some of my family say – it can be much worse – and I know I am very lucky to have had the life I’ve led so far. But I am unable to reconcile myself to the fact that I should be with someone who doesn’t care at all about what I care about just so I may be able to ‘teach’ him.
I am turning to you for advice, my friend, even though we are strangers.
What do I do?
A very lonely woman.