An update: ‘I am told that I am very wrong since I think of money, but is it not an important factor here?’

An update from “another frustrated daughter-in-law married to a good son” who wrote this email two years ago: An email. Aren’t the sons supposed to have their own family lives?

Hello IHM,

It has been 2yrs since I wrote this email, I wanted to update a bit.

Situation has not changed much, in fact it has become worse. My worries for the future, and my constant bringing up this topic has caused a lot of misunderstanding between us, I talked even to my in-laws but they instead of understanding me told their son that he needs to think of his duties towards his sister and parents, they told him to keep me under check since I am acting like a selfish daughter-in-law.

I saved every penny that I earned till now, unfortunately the company shut down and I lost my job, it has been months and I still have not been able to get one more and this has worsened the situation. I begged my husband that he has to support me, we need to pool up money and think of securing our future by buying something for ourselves. Even though he seems to agree at times, a phone call from his parents his thoughts go back to the way they were.

He now blames me that I am selfish, that I am not adjusting enough to live with his parents hence bring up the topic, he says all my problems are self created.

I feel very down that my husband instead of understanding the need for securing his and my life for the future is more worried about what his parents might feel, he continues to spend on them and his sister but thinks that I should earn and get what I want since I am one of those feminists who talks about equality of women.

If I cannot expect a little support in this matter what is the marriage for I do not understand, if they think it is just about feeding me even my parents would have done it. Should I give up thinking about future just because my husband does not? Or if I do should I do it independently? Then why am I even married? Why wife takes a backseat when it comes to parents and siblings? Why is it that it is never about ‘us’ as a couple in a marriage?

I am told that I am very wrong since I think of money, but is it not an important factor here? Am I not being exploited by all of them? Is it not just money for them too? Wouldn’t they have understood the point I am trying to make otherwise?

Sorry about the rant, but just very worried and disappointed with the man I am so in love with. He despite of understanding and loving me thinks his only responsibility in life is to be a good son. 😦

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32 thoughts on “An update: ‘I am told that I am very wrong since I think of money, but is it not an important factor here?’

  1. Yes, money is an important factor & the fact that you are thinking about the future is really thoughtful too.
    Since I’m not married, I may not be able to give the best advice however I guess in every relationship, it all comes down to one thing – Communication (no fights, no loud voices, no ego, just questions, answers & discussion)

    Maybe you could discuss with your husband & ask him what is it that he looks for in the future – for you & him? He can continue to help his parents & sister but he must also focus on the future of the two of you as well. Where do his priorities lie?
    All of this is not about adjusting with in laws but rather just an investment for the future.
    I feel it’s best that you should leave your in laws out of this for now, after all it’s a decision that you & your husband have to make. Once the two of you have decided, then you can discuss the same with your in laws saying that this is the decision you have taken for their own son’s (& grand children’s – if you plan for this) future & you would be really grateful if they support you, however if they don’t then it’s their loss. They cannot change your mind & your husband too needs to keep his word.

    I do hope things work out for you before it takes a turn for the worst…

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  2. Dear Letter Writer

    You wrote: “I begged my husband that he has to support me, we need to pool up money and think of securing our future by buying something for ourselves.”

    Please make it a first priority to get a job. Make sure that you never put yourself in a situation where you have to BEG anybody- be it your husband, your children, your parents or your parents-in-law- to support you.

    I give similar advice to my mom. She is near retirement now, and has been saddled with a husband (my father; I have lost much of my respect for him) who is not much different from yours. My father too, even after thirty years of marriage, still thinks his mother, his brother and himself to be one unit; my mother, myself and my brother seem to be his secondary family. And, I resent him for this.

    I, however, wish to clarify (am saying this because I read your previous mail; in it, you seemed to blame your in-laws and your SIL- everyone but your husband- for the fact that your husband doesn’t treat you as his primary family) that I don’t feel much resentment for my grandmother and my uncle. I would have respected them more had they advised my father to treat his own family with the most importance. However, even if they haven’t done that till now, I don’t really feel angry with them, because it is NOT their job to make my father see reason. My father is an adult- heck, he is a 60 years old man- and still I should expect someone to counsel him towards good sense? No. So, all my anger and sense of injury is only towards my father; I talk normally, when I do, to my grandmother and my uncle.

    I wish my mom had left my father; if she had taken a strong stand, maybe rented an accommodation and started living separately, most probably my father would have been jolted into the realization that my mother had reached her tolerance limit and that he couldn’t take her-and us-for granted any more.

    Anyways, that is just wishful thinking. The reality is that my parents are living today in a dead marriage. The finances of my joint family are controlled by my father and uncle. My mom hardly has an idea of all the investments and the property. She is a Class 1 Officer in the Education department.

    So, what I very strongly advice to her now is that she should zealously guard her savings and her PF (when she retires), so that tomorrow, even if there is a medical emergency, she doesn’t need to look at anyone for financial support (my father and his family will support her, I have no doubt about it, but just the act of asking is very demeaning to self-respect).

    Sorry about going off-tangent with my own story. But, what I wanted to convey through it was that I hope you can take a tough stand and walk out of this sorry state of affairs, or at the very least, maintain your financial independence- fiercely.

    Another point: In your previous mail, you had conveyed your displeasure about your in-laws’ desire to give your SIL a share in the property. I think that daughters do have a full right in the family inheritance. However, what I also believe is that with equal rights come equal responsibilities. I cannot desire my parents to bring up my brother and me with the same love and give us equal inheritance without me shouldering equal responsibility of taking care of them in their old age. That is where your SIL’s behavior seemed wrong to me. She is just taking from your parents and your husband, without giving anything in return. That is plain exploitative and I understand your anguish there.

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  3. From my experience I realize that there are people for whom money does not matter much, and there are those for whom it is a major concern. My husband is the first type. I am the second type. We figured out a way to deal with it – I chalk out priorities and sectors; we discuss this. Then it is up to ME to figure out how I want to implement it. . E.g., I think we need more health insurance. We talk about this and why we need it. We already have one from our workplace but I wanted another one which was cashless. I discussed with him why I feel this way and how the math would work. He sees my point but still doesn’t think it’s worth getting hyper about, but since it makes me feel better and the pay out is not significant in relation to our income, he agrees to it. I went ahead and did the research on what and how. I take enormous initiative and drive on this subject since I am super paranoid about it. Can’t say my husband agrees with me, but he understands that it’s a character type. There have been instances when he has had to calm me down. Based on this, I would say you shouldn’t judge yourself for feeling insecure about the monetary situation. It is something practical to be concerned about. I really think women in relationships need to be proactive and intelligent about financial planning. Also, I think if you are worried you need to do the homework on what to do in terms of logistics. Don’t just say, “Darling, we should buy our own home” and then wait for him to put it into place. Figure out your total income. Look at interest rates. See if it would be financially possible. Go to property expos. And you don’t have to expect your husband to come to these. Sometimes, this is a process. You talk about it. He disagrees or agrees. Give such men time to think about it. Meanwhile you figure out where to do it, how to do it, what the math is. Buying property is not where I would start. That’s a big ticket item. Enough to give a dithering decision maker a heart attack. Start with SIPs in mutual funds (it can be as low at 500/ month) and is possible through an automatic debit to your bank account. Make sure you have good insurance – life and health. You don’t have to tell your in-laws about something small like this!
    In the broader context, yes, it is absolutely vital that your husband and you think about yourself as a separate unit financially. But I wouldn’t expect his parents to understand.
    Absolutely IMP – you should be joint account holders on bank accounts with your husband. Make sure it is either/ or survivor. It doesn’t matter whether you work or not.

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  4. Dear Letter writer ,
    from your post, it looks like your husband has his parents and his sister who also are, to an extent ,financially dependent on him. This appears to me like an age old Indian Family issue. I ,only from what you`ve said , don`t find fault with your husband. He has to care for his ageing parents and his sister, just like how you would for your parents and siblings. He cannot be a money making machine either. It would be appropriate to say that its upto you and your husband to sit together and decide on this. YOU GETTING A NEW JOB WOULD DEFINITELY HELP MAKING THINGS A LOT EASIER.

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    • Thanks for your reply. My sister-in-law is married and well settled with her husband and family. My in-laws too though retired are living a comfortable life and I am not against looking after them. In fact I think of that as a responsibility. Here it is about ignoring everything about present and future to please them. It includes big costs like presents for SIL & family in Silk sarees, Gold etc and on a regular basis. We hardly can save anything and that has affected in making any property for ourselves which is of my main concern now. Yes, I have to get a job if I have to save for my future and that is what makes me sad, my husband is least concerned.

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    • It is clear that the LWs sister in law does not support her own parents. “Age old traditions” are not the excuse. How about the SIL get a job, support her own parents along with her brother? What’s the deal with she getting a share in the property but taking no responsibility towards her parents? Nobody is asking anyone to be a “money making machine”, but if he cannot as much as ensure that his wife and children are secure before lavishing unnecessary gifts on his family, I’d say he’s an irresponsible, emotional, idiot.

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  5. I read your previous letter, LW, and I find the amount of responsibility you’ve put on your ‘husband’s’ parents and sister to be unfair.
    Are they selfish people? Yes.
    Are they using their son as a cash cow? Yes.
    Are they horrible people? Sure.

    But is your ‘husband’ a poor, dutiful son who’s being manipulated into being an ATM? Sorry, nope, he doesn’t get a free pass. He’s a grown adult. He’s made the choice to legally tie the knot with you. He has certain responsibilities (one of which definitely includes saving for your future so you, in turn, don’t have to use your own children as cash cows) to you.

    And I honestly didn’t like the part about how you described that his sister is going to be inheriting property as well. She’s their daughter. It’s her legal right to inherit. Whether or not she’s terrible in other ways is irrelevant.

    “Even though he seems to agree at times, a phone call from his parents his thoughts go back to the way they were.” “He despite of understanding and loving me thinks his only responsibility in life is to be a good son.”

    You seem to hold your in-laws for the situation you’re in when, in reality you should hold your ‘husband’ responsible. They might be the ones making the phone call but he’s the one who has decided to actively agree with them.

    I’ve put the word husband in quotations because this person does not play the role of a husband in your life. He does not respect you. He chooses to ignore your concerns. In short, he’s not your partner.

    You say you’re so in love with him and that he loves you (in spite of the fact that he doesn’t treat you with any respect). Is that enough?

    “Then why am I even married? ”

    That’s actually a question that I would like to ask you. Why are you married to this non-husband and his parasite of a family?

    It’s been two years since you last wrote that letter. Two years of your life your’e never going to get back. Where do you see yourself two more years down the line in 2016?

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      • When I wrote the letter 2yrs back I did not want to digest that it is my husband who is completely wrong here. Now I too feel he is the only person who can make a difference if he cares for me and for our marriage enough.

        About SIL getting property, I had clarified in the comments, she has been given a plot ( along with Gold, cash and otehr things that continues to this day) and only the ancestral home was told would be son’s, they made their son not to invest anywhere in the fear that he may not be around to look after them but now they have changed their thinking, say legally the daughter now should also get half of the property meant for the son. This is where I feel cheated and this is what making me feel insecure. I want us to secure our future by investing somewhere else and my husband refuses to think with me in the fear that it will ‘hurt’ his family.

        I hate the control they have on him, and I hate him for getting controlled so much.

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        • @the email writer–I get that you feel that it’s unfair for your SIL to inherit part of the family property because she’s already gotten her fair share, but once again, I feel like you’re directing the blame on anyone but your husband.

          The property to be inherited is your husband’s. You have no right to feel cheated about it because it isn’t yours. If tomorrow, my parents decide that they’re not going to leave anything for me, but instead donate their property to charity, my husband has no right to feel cheated. If tomorrow, your in-laws decide to leave the entire thing for your SIL and give nothing to your husband, you still have no right to feel cheated.

          It’s your husband who didn’t take the steps to secure your future. It’s your husband who refuses to see you as his primary family. The fact that you write, “the man I am so in love with. He despite of understanding and loving me [insert a non-negotiable deal breaker here]” makes me think you aren’t really placing all of the blame on him (which you should). Not a little bit of the blame, not even a majority of the blame–ALL of the blame, in this scenario is your husband’s.

          If I were you, I’d be taking steps to invest in a property myself with only my name on the title. Your in-laws seem to be very unethical people–there’s no telling that if you decide to buy a property today, they’ll take it and use it for themselves.

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        • You are right Kay, in actual I want nothing of what my in-laws have, in fact I felt very small when I wrote about wanting their property. It is just because of their previous promises, and my husbands refusal to buy anything to keep them happy that has put me in a fix, together I felt they are cheating me of a secure and worry-free future. Even here, I do not know if I should blame them, because I know it is upto me to make my own life, cannot hold anyone responsible for my unhappiness about the situation I am in. I am just clueless about the next step, even after getting a job there will many hurdles thrown by my husband and his family if I talk about buying something of my own, but I hope I do it somehow. Will have to become tough and take tougher decisions. Hope I update you all with better news in the future

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  6. May I say I was in the exact same situation. We had a ‘love-marriage’ 5 years ago and it could have been me writing the exact same words!
    But situation is better now and for that I give credit to both myself and my husband for not giving up on each other. I had the same labels of selfish etc. thrown at me, maybe a bit subtly coz my husband didnt say it to me directly but his parents said it to him and I could not word it better than the LW – “a phone call from his parents his thoughts go back to the way they were “.
    What I did was not care about any such labels and hold my ground. It has taken 5 years but he eventually came around (or at least I think he has).

    It was hard when we first started to think about investing in property. My mother-in-law was very adamant that it be in my husband’s name only and if we want joint name, then he should be primary and me secondary. Also she wanted to look at and choose houses with my husband instead of me. I got very upset with this interference and told her directly that it is our money and our house and we have no obligation to even tell her what we are doing. Of course, it was a big deal, lots of effort to turn him against me and somehow it became about “how dare I speak like that with elders”, with my husband also giving me sermons on the same.

    But I stood strong and each time he got swayed, I helped him see logic again. I know there is no guarantee this would work but just wanted to share how it happened in my case. I think one of the factors that helped were that my husband had a mind tiny bit open to the idea that what I am saying could be logical and that his parents are not Gods. Many Indian bred men I know wouldn’t be open to considering the idea of applying logic to start with.

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    • Goodness, look at the gall of your MIL to not have you as joint owner? Does she think you are temporary helpmate, wtf. I would absolutely raise a stink, legal property rights are damn more important than mere respect for elders. Respect doesn’t get roof over your head in old age. Are you now the primary joint owner of your home with only the husband in legal property deed? Anything less than that is unacceptable. I refuse to call a place my home unless I have 50 percent or more ownership, otherwise you are just a tenant. Property/real estate is one way to invest and grow wealth over decades, as women we must not leave anything on the table for sake of goodwill or respect or other mumbo-jumbo. This includes demanding full share of inheritance in parent’s property, not giving my brothers any charity no matter how nice they are.

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  7. May I say I was in the exact same situation. We had a ‘love-marriage’ 5 years ago and it could have been me writing the exact same words!
    But situation is better now and for that I give credit to both myself and my husband for not giving up on each other. I had the same labels of selfish etc. thrown at me, maybe a bit subtly coz my husband didnt say it to me directly but his parents said it to him and I could not word it better than the LW – “a phone call from his parents his thoughts go back to the way they were “.
    What I did was not care about any such labels and hold my ground. It has taken 5 years but he eventually came around (or at least I think he has).

    It was hard when we first started to think about investing in property. My mother-in-law was very adamant that it be in my husband’s name only and if we want joint name, then he should be primary and me secondary. Also she wanted to look at and choose houses with my husband instead of me. I got very upset with this interference and told her directly that it is our money and our house and we have no obligation to even tell her what we are doing. Of course, it was a big deal, lots of effort to turn him against me and somehow it became about “how dare I speak like that with elders”, with my husband also giving me sermons on the same.

    But I stood strong and each time he got swayed, I helped him see logic again. I know there is no guarantee this would work but just wanted to share how it happened in my case. I think one of the factors that helped were that my husband had a mind tiny bit open to the idea that what I am saying could be logical and that his parents are not Gods. Many Indian bred men I know wouldn’t be open to considering the idea of applying logic to start with.

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  8. Here’s my advice:

    1. You and your husband need to sit and discuss whether you want each of your earnings to be treated as wholly joint or wholly independent or partly joint and partly independent. This is what I mean:
    (a) Will both of you sit together and decide on how every penny of both of your earnings should be spent? This means he would also have a say in whether your money can be used to buy your SIL a gift, just as you would also have a say in whether his earnings can be used to buy a house for yourselves OR
    (b) Will both of you treat either of your earnings as completely independent? In this case, you can’t question him for what he does with his earnings and he can’t question you on the same OR
    (c) Will both of you decide upon a % of each person’s income which will be used exclusively for your mutual expenses & savings, setting aside the rest for individual priorities? This would be ideal where you and your husband will have an equal say in spending the joint money for mutual needs. What your husband does with the rest of his money or what you would do with the rest of your money shouldn’t concern the other person.

    2. Given that you’re not earning now, discuss with your husband if he agrees that it is his responsibility to extend you basic support, considering that you contribute to other help, domestic or otherwise (I’m assuming you are: Equal rights come with equal responsibilities). You shouldn’t ‘beg’ him for support – he should understand that it is in your right to expect basic financial support because you’re contributing to other aspects for your relationship. If he’s not recognizing this, try explaining it to him.

    3. Based on the outcome from discussions based on points 1 & 2, if you still feel that your financial expectations are not being fulfilled by your husband, it’s time to call it quits. You’ve to weigh down and decide whether it is worth it to continue in this marriage or not. You can’t force your husband to spend as per your priorities and you definitely can’t control your in-laws’ behavior.

    4. Keep getting a job as your no. 1 priority in any case. Since you and husband have financial clashes, financial independence is a necessity for you, not just an option. All the best.

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  9. Dear email writter, people marry to live life together.
    Having a house together is one of the goals that family can have but not the main reason for which people marry. Seems that goal to have a house is just yours and your husband don’t see it like necessity as he is already having a house. Is hard to change his mind because like you also recognise your relation is second family for him. So things are simple in my opinion.You say you love him. Can you love him beyond you? Can you accept to be his second concern all the life? Then relax and enjoy your life. Don’t make from your financial future an obsession. You are here, today, and first you should live your present and just plan for future, but not live for future. Have a job and save money but learn to spend some for your present to make it beautiful. Recommend to your husband to save also because your children should not have to raise you in old age. The way we spend our incomes in couple is personal decision. Are couples that come home with the income, make a joint account and then decide what they will do with money. But are many more couples that decide from begining to pay common expensis, then to make a common budget for monthly outgoings or holidays and then is their personal business what they do with the rest of income. So everybody is happy. In your situation you want to have the first financial arrangement and your husband the second. Also your goals for long terms seems different. Maybe your husband will change one day but nobody knows. So are you ready to accept him like it is today in long run? Be wise, be smart and Good luck because you need it!

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    • Bandaria, It is plenty evident from her letter 2 years later that she is just never going to get comfortable with this financial arrangement. She’s going to lead a life full of resentment and get the “unselfish” daughter in law when she’s 50 and has nothing saved for her own retirement.

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  10. Reading such email day after day makes me think I’m very very lucky, No in-laws to deal with and parents who disowned me.
    All this time i kept thinking my awesome marriage was due to open minded hubby and me and the trust, love and passion we shared. maybe it was the simple fact that we had no one to interfere in our lives, n one to advise us, no one to demand anything from us and no one whose apron strings we were tied to.. ha enlightening indeed.

    dear LW,

    1. try to get a job. – your husband can support you and no you are not wrong in asking for it but it’s better to be financially independent especially when you are in a not so great marriage.
    2. put a certain amount of money from both your earning into a joint a/c for household expenses
    3. save your remaining, let him do what he wants with his.
    4. if you buy property and are using your funds, make sure your name is inthe deed too.
    5. Have him share the household load with you .

    there is nothing you can do if someone prefers their parents to you, no amount of yelling will change that. you are simply 2nd to them. can you live with that, NO? then you have a choice to leave. no one can dictate how the other should feel regarding members of their family, it’s not right what he’s doing but there is Nothing you can do.

    some people worry about future more than others, I was a worry wart when i got married, i felt that al the money was my husbands and it was , all property was his, i came into the marriage with 10,000 rs. so i was insecure till i got a job even though financially there was no need. I give my husband credit for trying to make me secure, very openly adding my name , changing deeds, having me open a separate a/c . now after 2 decades+ I’m the one living without a care while e constantly harps on saving for a rainy day to my kids, keeps telling them they will inherit only half and the rest will be liquidated and given to orphanages🙂 not that it fazes them they continue to be teens without a care and tell me they dont want even the half he’s offering, they will make their way intheis world on their own – the power and confidence of youth 🙂
    so nothing wrong in wanting to be secure, all of us have diff fears and diff desires, when 2 people get married, it’s success largely depends on the trust, understanding between the 2. we cant all be the same.

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    • This cracked me up but it is so very true.

      “All this time i kept thinking my awesome marriage was due to open minded hubby and me and the trust, love and passion we shared. maybe it was the simple fact that we had no one to interfere in our lives”

      In India, people who have the best marriages are whose family & relatives & aunties & uncles stay far far away.

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      • Truth. Sometimes you really need to live on your own and mess up to learn life’s lessons. There’s something about making mistakes and then gloriously recovering that brings a couple closer than anything else will.

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  11. Money is important. studies have shown that upto a certain threshold, happiness is directly linked to income. beyond that it’s about other things.

    however, is money really the only issue here? the financial issues appear to ebe a symptom. not the actual problem

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  12. When I read this quote first, I didn’t think I would find it so useful.
    I quoted this very recently while commenting on a previous post.
    It bears repetition.

    “I am who I am today because of the choices I made yesterday.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

    Make a choice now, so that two years from now you will be updating us with a different story.
    All the best.
    Regards
    GV

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    • GVji, have never written to you directly, although have enjoyed a lot of what you write here. This has to be one of the sanest pieces of advice ever, and should be applicable to almost every person who writes in here! Thank you for sharing.

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    • Thank you, I know I have to take some decisions because nobody is ready to understand what I have to say, it is as though I do not exist. I have to first get a job to feel confident, at present I am just very confused and clueless.

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  13. It irritates me when people make the connection that caring about material things like money, or property equates to being selfish. Um, no. The world runs on some sort of monetary value, and it always will, whether we like it or not. Such is human nature. You need material things like an income and a roof over your head to just survive. And to ask that your husband give even an ounce of thought to his future with you isn’t selfish in the least. He married you. You became a part of each other’s families. You became your own family as a stand alone unit. Forgive me for saying this, but if he doesn’t give an eff about whatever becomes of your collective future, what’s the point? Where does he plan on ending up? On the streets?

    You have to make him realize that this is about him as much as it is about you. It will ultimately be the two of you who will have to face this situation together. You have to make him realize that his family will not support him to even a hundredth of the extent that he is supporting them. His family will always view his support as an obligation, as a duty, and take it for granted. I have the awful suspicion that when the chips are down, they’ll simply shrug their shoulders and tell him that this is his responsibility too. You need to make him realize that it isn’t just your future at stake, it’s his as well. And at the end of the day, if he can’t see that, you summed it up in the best way possible. What’s the point of staying married at all?

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  14. I will suggest do a Tit for Tat to your husband. Start spending on your family,parent and siblings. Tell him that your family is also his priority as his family is a priority to you. Break down the finance of your house for 1-2 months . May be this will bring some realisation to your husband regarding your situation.

    Like

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