Sharing an email.
“He said he believes in giving quality time rather than quantity time to the family. I kept quiet but my mind does not stop thinking here.”
I am a fan of your blog and postings/suggestions. Thanks and I am really grateful for the same as it helped me to align my thoughts to a great extent in past.
My background in brief. I am 31 year old and average looking woman working for past few years. I earn around 30k and have been leading a contented life. I do not have a father and it has been my mother and me living in a decent area with a home of our own.
I was married at 26 and was in 6 months old dead relationship from minute one. I can say confidently that I have tried everything to make the relationship work but this man wanted to live a bachelor’s life without any sort of attachment and responsibility and wanted a marriage for society and name sake. This suffocated me and I came out of it without being touched or questioned by this man. I mentally came out in a year’s time and legally in 2010.
Since then, I did not have guts and trust to look out for new relationship. I have my own fears of getting in to trap and believing wrong people. Now I have been speaking to this guy who is 34 and has been introduced by a commonly known person to our families. I had my own fears and reservations to commit myself to a man who smokes, drinks and has non veg (I am a vegetarian). I never considered getting in to a relationship with a man who has a kid (but living separately) as I feel I may not be capable of handling the situations which I may come across in future. This guy has applied for divorce on mutual consent and is waiting for the hearing soon.
I decided to speak to this guy initially over phone and say no to the alliance as I did not want to say straight NO to the person who introduced me to him. He is a 75 year old wise man who is a well wisher to me and my mother.
To my surprise, I spoke to this guy over phone for around 2 hours on first instance and a few details were exchanged. He seemed to be a decent guy with an unhealthy marriage which he has tolerated for 8 long years and has a 7 year old kid (boy). I sympathize the plight of this kid as he is suffering and missing his father and his grandparents. He also admitted that he smokes (not chain smoker and smokes when needs to think too much), drinks (social drinking) and has discontinued having Non veg. He sounded convincing that he will keep these habits in control.
Going by what this man has told, his wife seems to be very focused on her priorities w.r.t her career and her property. She earns around 12 lakh PA and feels secure with money and decent property in her control. According to him, she has problem with his lifestyle, his spending habits and his parents who are aged and need moral support currently. He says that he did not have emotional support from her and looks like she has not made him feel that he is needed. He says that he earning more than her and in a good position at one of the leading companies in India would make time and initiate some efforts to improve the relationship but she on other hand did not care about it. He says that she was influenced by her mother majorly but had few good qualities of her own. To me, this guy looks transparent with his thoughts and sensitive towards family values. He is good, trust worthy but I feel this relationship will have its own set of challenges in it as other relationships have. I don’t want to get trapped again… That’s my fear.
As a person, he says that he liked me because I appear to be tolerant enough to listen to what he has been saying (which his wife did not do). He says that I appear to be contented with what I have and will not rule his head later on. He also says that my family values make him feel comfortable. Beyond this, I do not see him making any serious efforts to know me better evidently.
I have been trying to unveil the next layer of this man to know what I can contribute and have in store to make this relationship going. I am NOT really looking for a big sophisticated lifestyle but to be frank I am looking to continue life in a secure close knit family life where there is prominence given to contentment and wisdom along with personal growth and accomplishments to add meaning to life. I am very needy emotionally. I cannot handle long distance or a controlled relationship. I have fair clarity on what I do not want but I am kind of flexible in adjusting on aspects which can add meaning and value to my life in a long term..
The point of concern is that we spoke to each other for at least an hour on daily basis regarding his past, expectation, job insecurities etc. I was putting across many questions to which he could answer me in detail. He showed enough patience to answer me in detail which has helped me find this man worth trusting. My Idea was to know and understand the next layer of thought in this man as I was convinced to some extent of taking this ahead in spite his habits and a child.
He said that his child (who will be staying with his mother) would be in his mind and he will do whatever is needed for him but will see to it that he stays committed to me as well. I was okay with this as I would consider him to be selfish and irresponsible if at all he said that he has moved on completely…
In mean while he said that he is interested and happy to take this relationship ahead and also admitted that it has been so far good between us. And we decided that we will not be meeting in person or talking so frequently over phone until his paper work is completed legally as he said that his wife has been a bit fickle minded in past regarding her decisions but he is not interested in reconsidering to unite again with her. This did put me back to square one but I decided to wait until the hearing before putting myself out of it completely and I have communicated this to him as well…
So this actually has uncertainty but I have decided to meanwhile know more about him and utilize this time if at all things go fine legally. In the meanwhile, he says that he is workaholic and works for extended hours when he is on project which usually lasts for long duration. It’s been 10 days since he has got in to a new project and we have not spoken properly. I am confused now if I am over analyzing or am I unable to digest the fact that this is how my life in future will be with him.
My relation with my ex was dead because he was never available for me in person or over phone…The feel is being repeated again now in this case but I cannot react as we are not in a relationship. But I am concerned how I should be looking at it because it is a different person with new situation and background and reason. There are positives and negatives in this man as well.
He is good at communication but is not making efforts to know me evidently. I am afraid if he is taking me for granted due to my average looks or not so great salary and career aspirations. He seems to be family oriented man who had strong need for family and talks responsibly. He has the ability to listen, understand and empathize with points of view. But I have a strong feel that he is looking forward to prove himself in front of his friends and colleagues. Not that I am great treasure but I understand that he has his own insecurities with respect to his past. And this time he wants to show that he has got someone on whom he has control. I don’t want to be taken for granted.
I sometimes wonder if I am over analyzing and making things complicated for myself. He is due for promotions and I have a feeling that he will be more busy and unavailable for me. When I asked how we would handle this situation, he said that I believe in giving quality time than giving quantity time to the family. I kept quiet but my mind does not stop thinking here. If we have a kid, he/she will not be able to differentiate between quality and quantity. So, whatever time I would get in future, will have to be shared between the kid and myself. I know I am thinking too much but I have been in a relation where my husband did not want to spend time and he escaped. This time, the person seems to be interested but due to his work pressure, he will have to struggle to give time to family in between his constant traveling. I am finding it difficult to say NO at once as he is nice person. But I do not want to see myself trapped in a relationship without my husband by my side most of the time as well. I know, being in this industry I will have to make adjustments but if it goes beyond a certain extent, it will be difficult for me.
Can you please let me know if I am worrying for no reason or is there any better way to sort out and align myself to this need of situation which I am more or less sure to encounter. Please let me know how do I address this to him without making him feel offended.
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As of now.. what I understand is, this man is extremely busy at work , is unable to have adequate sleep and disturbed but has been trying to bring in required change in himself (with regards to his temperament) but I have a feeling that it is not really enough to start a relationship with me (where emotional security is my priority requirement). It’s like I have to respond when he calls but otherwise, I don’t find it easy to call him when I feel like speaking to him.
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This mail might appear very stupid and filled with anxiety but can you please think of anyway I can resolve this and take a better decision…