Is it possible that the ones whose disapproval is dreaded the most are those who are most likely to express disapproval (and occasional approval)?

Controlling other people’s personal lives and happiness is an intrinsic part of any patriarchal society. Threats, violence, boycotts and denial of independence etc are the more visible control methods  ofcourse, but mostly the control is achieved with the power of ‘disapproval’.
Whose approval do many Indians seek while permitting and taking personal decisions, including those that their children’s happiness depends upon? Is it really the general public and random third cousins they are afraid of displeasing? Do these ‘people’ or ‘log’ have faces?

Is it also possible that the ones whose disapproval is dreaded the most are those who are most likely to express disapproval (and occasional approval)? (As in, ‘comment’, ‘advice’ or a ‘timely  compliment’ as they deem appropriate)? If this is the case, then how is this controlling any different from other manipulative and controlling relationships? 

So does it also mean that expressing an unasked for opinion on other people’s personal lives can in a way empower those who wish to control or manipulate?

What makes this control so powerful that it can overpower parental love? Or maybe this exaggerated fear of  society or ‘log’ that some parents have, is an excuse to control their children?

Sharing an email.

Dear Sir / Madam

I am Indian, 25 Years Male ( Unmarried ), work in *** Group of companies. Since last 7 years I have been working in different organisations and with good experience. From last two years I am in relation with a girl of different caste ( She is 23 years, her family already approved our relation ), but we are from same state. In my family there is Mother, Grand Mother, two elder brother ( Both Married ), Uncle, Aunty, Cousin sisters. We are joint family. Father & Grand Father got expired 4 years back. My family ( Specially my Mother and Eldest Brother ) is very strict against Inter Caste / Love marriage. The day I put my opinion in front of them, all went against my favour. I was and still being Criminal as per their understanding, Just because of three words ‘’’’’’’ Log kya Kahenge ??? ‘’’’’’ ( What Society / relative will think )………… all this is made me very upset and sad day by day. They are thinking about such society and relative, who don’t have any rights to comment on my personal life, and if they are commenting on the same, I don’t even care, because I know I am not doing anything wrong, Inter Caste / Inter Racial Marriage was already been approved in 1954 by Constitution of India ( Supreme Court ).

I will share point to point that my Mother & Brother taunting / blaming  me every day, even till date.

-I can’t show face in to our society / relative / friends etc.

-Society will boycott us forever.

-I will go to ANATH ASHRAM ( NGO’s ) if you are not interested in listening to us

-I will suicide if you elope with girl of another caste / race.

-Society / relative / Parents happiness are more important that child happiness. Because they will only support us in future. ( This was Bullshit )

-How can you think about her without our consent ??.

-If you want to marry her, you have to leave house and go to some other place, we can’t tolerate any one going against culture of our SAMAJ ( community )

-Mother gone on hunger strike for some days.

-Emotional blackmail, daily Torture, hours of crying. Making sad faces.

-Mother claims that I broke her heart, she will die early because of my nonsense.

-Mother and brother also claims that my father passed away because of same problem (My 2nd elder brother did inter caste marriage, after 4-5 months my father got expired, which they think is because of my brother, and everyone knows that was wrong news).

-Now after your father, you are planning to make me die as soon as possible.

-People will laugh on us just because of you.

-We have done so much for you since birth and you are showing me these days.

-If I would have known that you will do such nonsense, we would have killed you at the time of birth.

And many other blames.

After listening to all such blame and daily drama, I agreed to go for arranged marriage as per my family wishes. They even approved of one girl of our own caste and made me say ‘’yes’’ in front of everyone by blackmailing be of suicide. I eventually said ‘’’yes’’.

Since last 1 month I am upset because all such nonsense…….. and I don’t like to talk to anyone in my family or friends etc. I feel to stay more time alone in silent places. Now my family is again using same procedure of blackmail and asking me to laugh and be happy in front of everyone, so that everyone one around me think that I am happy from inside. But this is what I can’t do forcefully. You can’t keep any person happy forcefully.

I need suggestion from readers, is that all blame valid as per my mother and brother ??? ….. also please help me with your valuable suggestions.

Related Posts:

An email. Aren’t the sons supposed to have their own family lives?

Display of respect to those in power, in Indian culture.

An email from An Adult Male of India : “Every single family sitting or phone call will eventually lead to….”

An email: I am 18 year old male from a traditional (read:backward) Indian family.

“Why didn’t these women find life partners by dating?”

An email from an Indian Husband… and a Good Indian Son.

Love Marriages spoil the Family System of our Nation.

Inter Religious marriages.

“Do my parents have two different standards and expectations for my brother and for us?”

Is your relationship healthy?

44 thoughts on “Is it possible that the ones whose disapproval is dreaded the most are those who are most likely to express disapproval (and occasional approval)?

  1. It is YOUR life, take control of it. The ‘elders’ in your family are acting like little kids, throwing tantrums when things don’t go their way. They have no right to judge you for your personal decisions. You are not responsible for fulfilling their unreasonable requests. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. That means your mother is also responsible for her well being and happiness and if she chooses not to be happy, then I guess she will have to deal with. She cannot demand to be made happy at the cost of your happiness.

    And the arranged marriage you agreed to – obviously you are not happy with the whole “arrangement”. And then there is this woman who has also agreed to marry you with the assumption that you will give the marriage a reasonable chance to succeed – which is not the case here. She is being cheated on and kept in the dark about your feelings and state of mind. This is grossly unfair. So please make sure the other person who has agreed to marry you knows the complete truth. Better, don’t get married until you are sure in your mind that you are making the right decision.

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    • My elder brother is well educated and working in International Bank, he still has the same believe that family reputation will get distroyed by my inter caste marriage.

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    • My elder brother is well qualified ( 31 years old )… works in International Bank, but he still believes that family reputation will be lost with inter caste marriage. I don’t understand how come an educated person think of caste and creed ?????

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      • What I don’t understand is how an educated person like you can choose to go for an arranged marriage fully knowing that you are not committing to it and in effect making the other woman’s life miserable!

        Your elder brother is definitely wrong. But what are you doing to put your life in order? Are you making decisions for yourself?

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    • I agreed with Malyaj……… but this ”’ char log”’ ( four people ) can’t have guds to talk or comment on our faces. They are coward and possessive on our happiness

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  2. Dude, watch Mr&Mrs Iyer. That movie was like a slap to me, saying no to a much deserved person only because they don’t belong to your caste is the worst thing you could do in your life. Imagine you being rejected because the girl’s family felt your caste was not good enough for them.

    Stay strong buck up and fight back, for every person you lose in this battle you will meet Atleast 4 supporters who will understand you. Remember people who love you will surely understand you.

    When you are clearly unhappy don’t go for arranged marriage and ruin the other girls life too.

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  3. i feel sorry for your fiancee..because of your indecision and lack of courage she will suffer..you have blamed everyone in your email except yourself..you are hopefully an adult responsible person who does not play with the lives of either your gf/fiancee/family.

    at 24 you are mature enough to do the right thing

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    • I am matured as per you and people around me…… but what my mom and brother thinks, is totally opposite of the same. This is true. They believe they are the best decision maker.

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      • Dear Email Writer,

        you need to wake up and claim your own life.

        I guess girls might actually have an easier time standing up to their parents because we tend to have to start doing it from a very young age. From when I was 10 years old I had to fight to read the books I wanted to read, from when I was 12 I had to fight to hang out with friends after school instead of coming straight home, from when I was 13 I had to fight to wear what I liked and talk to boys in my class…. All the fighting had prepared me very well for eloping with my boyfriend against my parents’ wishes when the time came. I was never invested in a good-girl image, and I had no delusions that my parents had my best interests at heart.

        It’s different for boys, isn’t it? You’ve never had to fight for your basic freedoms, your parents never said no outright to you, so you grow up with the idea that you are a good boys and your parents know what’s best for you.

        Well, you have a lot of learning to do in a very short while.

        1. If you don’t fight for yourself, no one will.

        2. You don’t owe your life or your choices to your parents – no matter what else you owe them.

        3. And most importantly, as an adult human being, you have an independent moral responsibility not to marry someone whom you do not love, thereby ruining THEIR life along with yours.

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  4. I want to share a friend’s story. He was in love with this girl who was from his religion and caste, still, his parents blackmailed him to agree to marry his mom’s friend’s daughter. They did all kinds of naatak baazi. My poor friend eventually agreed. He even married that girl chosen by his parents. He was so depressed that he lost weight and became sick. His wife also tried to commit suicide as my friend never accepted her as his wife. This girl that he loved, she was heart broken too, but, she moved on, married a nice guy,and settled down. Do what YOU want to do, not what your parents want to do. For chrissake, aren’t you educated and have a job? worst come worst case, just leave and marry the love of your life. It is not worth it to bow down to some body else’s wishes. It really is not.

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    • Yes, i am educated and have a decent job. Problem lies with my elders, They are trying to make me feel guilty. They claims ””” You are educated & Employeed just because of our favor ””. I agree to what they claim, to payback everything in return is not possible at the cost of happiness.

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      • It’s not a favour to educate your child, it’s a duty. You don’t owe them your happiness. Your parents chose to have you because they WANTED to have you. You had no choice in the matter of being born. They chose to take responsibility for you. They did not do you a favour by giving you birth, it was an act of selfishness because they wanted a child.

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        • I want to Like the above comment 1000 times !!!🙂 Good one ! and so apt ! I am a mother and I strongly believe this..

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      • “They are trying to make me feel guilty”. Then DONT feel guilty. I have a feeling you want to come here and rant about your mother and brother while actually not wanting to do anything about it.

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        • Sadly, that’s what most email writers do. Most people just want to sit and complain and refuse to do anything about their situation, citing ‘problems’. But if there are problems you must solve it. Or accept it. Just endless complaining is annoying.

          Besides, if he allows the family to walk over him over this issue, it won’t stop here. It will continue even when he is an old man, doddering around cleaning his elder brother’s shoes.

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  5. Actually, this is not parental love at all. This is pure selfishness. The parents are more interested in their own wellbeing (in the form of approval from society, feel good factor, reiterating their own beliefs) rather than in their child’s well being. I’d like to make a distinction between this selfishness and genuine parental love in the face of social pressures. Yes there are parents who’ve been socially conditioned from childhood to dread inter-community marriages. Yes, they may fear society’s disapproval. But when faced with their child’s unhappiness, they will re-consider. They will be open to reason and new ideas, however uncomfortable they make them. Not that the son needs his parent’s approval in his choice of life partner. But if the child and parents have a loving relationship, it is hard to just break off from one’s parents. The son/daughter may be inclined to reassure the parents, the parents may express their concerns, and the son/daughter may be able to explain and make them understand. I’ve seen such marriages work. On the other hand, blackmail, threats, accusations, hunger strikes, etc. are an altogether different matter. This is clearly nothing but manipulation. There is no love or concern here for the child, the concern is only toward themselves.

    To the LW – do not go for any marriage right now until you are clear on where you stand. It is unfair to the girl you agreed to marry under pressure. No one should tell you whom to choose for a life partner – but given the Indian mindset, if the parents are reasonable, then you can discuss it with them and reassure them. If they are unreasonable, you have 2 choices – marry the person you choose and stand firm and love her with all your heart. However, if you yourself are unsure and are likely to be affected by emotional blackmail, then don’t marry her. It will not work.

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  6. 1 – Cancel this false marriage as it will never make you happy.

    2 – Leave home and refuse to talk to anyone who wants to discuss your marriage. Since you are employed and financially independent, this should not be difficult.

    3 – Elope. If your family does not want to be part of your happiness, share it with your friends.

    4 – Tell your brother to take his nose out of your affairs. I can only imagine what my sister would have to say if I go about telling her whom to marry. And she actually asks me for advice on all matters!

    5 – Tell your mother she has a choice – you or society / relatives.

    6 – Turn to your friends. They are more understanding and loving than families sometimes. Their support will keep you together and give you courage.

    Trust me, no one is going to blame themselves in the future if you are unhappy. No one is going to give a shit about what you want from life. Even if you get depressed, they will blame you, not themselves. In their eyes, you are chattel to be controlled and kept in place. Refuse to be controlled.

    Ultimately, it is all in your hands. Anyway, you are a little young to be married. You can afford to sit it out for a couple of years and see what happens.

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  7. No one will die, or starve or get sick. Not your mom nor your brother. Pure blackmail, you seem to recognize it, so act on it. If you were adult enough to pick your partner then you are adult enough to take the ext step. Did you ask mummy’s permission before falling in love? No then why only now. After all marriage is just legal sanction, rant you already committed tithe relationship. I don’t even want to talk about the 2girs involved in ths mess🙂

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  8. Kahani poori filmi hai aur maa Niruparai ko cross kar rahi hai
    Here are few tools go through them and pick up some skills
    Emotional Blackmail: Desi Style what you can do
    http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2009/10/16/emotional-blackmail/
    Faceless Strangers Log, Martyrs and selfishness
    http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2011/04/21/desi-life-log-martyrs-and-selfishness/
    Desi Sons: Victims of Their Mothers
    http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2011/05/13/desi-sons-victims-of-their-mothers/
    Mommy’s way or high way
    http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/07/03/desi-choices-or-else/
    Assertiveness: Learn to Say No
    http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/assertiveness-learn-to-say-no/

    Rest you can find on GGTS. Your cognition has been systematically fogged in obligation and rendered futile due to guilt, take control of your life and your actions. If mommy is threatening suicide report her to cops because that is the right thing to do.
    Good luck with growing some spine and cutting your umbilical chord.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

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  9. It saddens and enrages me to read this. Look at the emotional manipulation involved!

    Like practically everyone has said here, DO NOT marry the other girl. Marriage is not a joke. If your mother can be emotionally manipulative like that, you need to put your foot down. Tell her, you will not marry anyone if she does not accept that you are in love with a girl from another caste.

    If things go worse, is there a close friend you can go to? I mean leave home indefinitely. Move out. Move temporarily to a friend’s house while looking for a place of your own. The moment your mother realises that you are serious about what you’re saying, she might soften up a bit. When she sees that she has already ‘lost’ her son a bit, she might be willing to strike a compromise.

    By agreeing to marriage under pressure, you will not ruin only your happiness, but that of the other girl, and also the girl you love – 3 lives will completely be messed up because of this emotional blackmail. You have already said yes to this girl, and I know it will be hard to take back that ‘promise of marriage’ since her family is involved. I think you need to talk to the girl in question personally, and tell her that this has nothing to do with her, but that you were under duress when you said ‘yes’. You need to take action immediately before things get worse. It doesn’t matter how ‘bad’ that makes you and your family look at this stage. It will ‘look’ much worse when the marriage ends up in a miserable manner. ‘Society’ is only there to taunt people who want to do things their way. It will never help you be happy, or it will never help you in any way.

    I think it is also time you started being a bit emotionally manipulative with your mother. Tell her ‘thank you’ for ruining your happiness, caring more about the community than her own son, for placing false honour before true happiness, and for suppressing love with her tyranny. Tell her that thanks to her, you will never be happy. Tell her that if you marry this new girl, you will completely break off all contact with your mother forever, and will never involve her in your life. She needs to know she cannot dictate your life on her terms. She gave you birth out of her choice. You didn’t beg to be born. If she is so much of a ‘loving’ mother, your happiness should be her first priority, not her false honour in society.

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    • Honestly, why should he not marry anyone just because his mother is being a jerk? And while reverse blackmail is alright for a couple of days, it’s harmful in the long run. The best solution is to first clearly set down unshakeable boundaries with mother and brother. If they continue to disrespect these boundaries, remove yourself from the situation.

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  10. If you can not face the society and rules and don’t want to solve any type of mess in your life then don’t show it to public yes sometime we feel like that we can not handle the situation but it all inside us .we know the answer as well because it’s about your whole and it will lead you to your future and the society where we live it never support our present we just need to understand this it will change according to our mind set up and i think clear your mind and be open abut your dream and thoughts it will lead yo to have courage to face you the upcoming future and be inspoiration for your next generation …

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  11. One of my best friends (a girl) is going through something very similar with her family. I haven’t been through the situation but here is the gist of points she came up with to fight her parents (but when people are impervious to reason, I don’t know how this will help):
    1. I can’t be happy without the person I love. I’ll never marry anyone else.
    2. It’s my life and I completely believe that I have the full authority to take a decision related to one of the most important aspects of my life – the consequences of which will be faced mostly by me and no one else.
    3. Whatever societal disapproval you’ll face will be temporary. In the long run, it is your relationship with your children which will matter most. On the other hand, I’ll be doomed to misery of a lifetime if I choose the wrong life partner.
    4. If you want me to marry against my wishes and if you want me to kill my happiness for yours, I don’t see any reason why I shouldn’t expect it to be the other way round – Why should your happiness be a priority to me when mine isn’t to you?
    5. Thanks for not killing me at the time of my birth. Thanks for educating me. And many more thanks for making it clear now that you would rather have had me die than live happily, if my happiness can bring you the smallest discontent, however irrational the cause of that discontent is. Now that you made it clear, I’m free to act as selfishly as you believe me to be because there cannot be anything more selfish than what you just said. You can’t hold me guilty for being selfish.
    6. If you wanted me to take your consent before each and every minute act of mine, if you wanted to dictate each and every thought of mine, I don’t understand what was the point of educating me and letting me be financially independent. Independence also applies to the mind, not just finances.
    7. Your community, the people whose imaginary disapproval you think would cause you inexplicable pain – all these don’t matter in the long run. Please understand that in your old age, there will be very few people who’ll stand by you to help you. And your child could be one of the few people – provided you let that child be happy and not be the cause of bringing the child unreasonable sorrow. It is pragmatic to see that support in old age is more important than words with inconsistent definitions such as culture.
    8. If you believe that I’ll be the cause for your early death, I’ll believe that you’re the stupidest parent on this earth to die because of an irrational paranoia which could’ve been easily avoided by broadening your mind a little bit.
    9. Also, what about the life-long sorrow you’ll be inflicting on me by denying me my right to happiness? Is a life full or misery better than an early death? Why should I be considerate to you when you’re not showing me the same consideration?

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    • Brilliant response.

      This mother deserves zero attention from the LW. Why is he even wasting time trying to win her approval? She seems to be hugely selfish, with no concern for his happiness. She is a blot on the name of parent.

      LW, stand up for your own happiness…. Because no one else gives a shit, not your mother, not your brother – and they have made it amply evident by their emotional blackmail. Open your eyes.

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  12. Let me tell you a story.

    I know a guy who was in a love with a divorcee woman from another caste. His parents blackmailed him emotionally, arranged his marriage elsewhere. He wasn’t happy and the engagement broke down. Finally the guy took a stand, stopped going along with the blackmailing and said ‘I will marry her or no one.. and I will marry her in two months. Come and meet her if you like.’. He was already living away from home and she worked in the same city.

    The family went to meet her, the mother cried a bit because ‘the girl is dark!’. A month later the two visited the guy’s city and got married in court and in a temple with his family present. No one is dying, no one starved, no nothing.

    You know you are being blackmailed and abused.. and your gf is suffering for no fault of hers too. Be strong now or you will forever be blackmailed. Once you marry, it will be about having kids, having sons, about how you treat your wife, what you do with your money, etc etc etc.

    1) Don’t accept nonsense like ‘we made you who you are’.. it’s no favour, it’s their duty. Tell them you will support them back when they need you but they cannot force a marriage on you.

    2) Move out. Stop living at home. You will automatically have more say in your life. Move to another city and another job there, tell them you will marry your choice of partner and do it.

    3) Don’t make it sound like your decision is changeable by going along with seeing other girls etc. Be firm, act firm. They will stop wasting their efforts if you stop giving them hope that they’ll work.

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  13. Can you show this entire email post to the lady your parents forced you to marry? That will be step 1. She will break the alliance.Next step is to get married in court to your girlfriend in the presence of friends. Last and final step is to never ever look back with regret or doubt.Your life.Your decisions.So the regrets you concern yourself with also should be yours alone; mean they should be a direct consequence of your choices, not somebody else’s.If you end up marrying as per your parents choice, thats what you will be doing -regretting going by your mom’s choice.

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  14. I really feel for you. I only want to comment that you and others emphasise that if someone is educated, as in having a university degree, it’s shocking they hold old-fashioned views. Time and time again we have seen one thing doesn’t have to do with the other unless the degree is in gender studies or sociology. Furthermore a person with no formal degree could also have a modern view of the world. Is this an Indian thing? To give too much value to a uni degree? When I don’t know how to do something my mother in law always says ‘but you have a master degree! ‘ and I always think ‘not in this subject so it’s irrelevant ‘.

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  15. You mention about your mother and your marriage. Nowhere have u mentioned ur girlfriend. In already agreeing to another marriage u have not bothered bout ur girlfriend’s feelings or the trust she placed in you.

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    • in short you are messing up the life of 2 woman.. the one who was your girlfriend (if you guys were serious which i doubt.) and that of your fiancee.. first understand that people other than you/ your family has got feelings too.. be a MAN and do what you have to do.!

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  16. Dear letter writer,
    I am a foreigner who has married into a traditional Tamil-Telugu family. We are visibly an intercultural couple, we get stares everywhere we go. My MIL was very concerned about what others will think – mostly because SHE didn’t want to look bad, she didn’t want to get blamed. From her perspective, it was more about her own fear, it had nothing to do with us as a couple.
    I have been together with my husband for 8 years and we are very happily married, and my MIL has since opened up to me and we have a wonderful relationship. It took about 5-6 years for the extended family to accept me, and some still doubt us, although nobody can deny that we are made for each other, so connected and so in love.
    On my first trip to India, my husband brought me to stay with him at his home, and the whole neighbourhood was flurried with gossip and questions that this “good Tamil boy” had brought his foreign girlfriend home. The neighbourhood gossip came around, and asked my husband, “Oh, so you brought a foreigner back with you. You’re not going to marry her, are you?” And my husband shouted back at him, “YES I AM. WHAT THE F* ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT” (LOL)

    My advice: Stay strong, don’t feed into the emotional blackmail (it’s all an act, trust me), and tell them that you’re doing this with or without their consent. You see, they are testing the strength of your relationship. They want to know if under enough pressure, you will end the relationship. Be firm.

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  17. Dear Letter Writer,

    run! What your family is doing here is not “love” or “acting in your best interests”, but good old bullying. The way you are going to handle this crisis now is going to shape your future relationship with your family members. If your mother now manages to scare you into submission by random hunger strikes and tantrums, you can bet your salary on her doing it again in the future. Why shouldn’t she if she succeeds? If your brother now gets away with poking his nose into your business, what should stop him in the future from doing so?

    Of course it is perfectly understandable you don’t want to cause your family pain. They are family, everyone loves his or her relatives to a certain degree. But seriously, if one of my parents told me they would rather see me dead than independent, that would be the last time they ever got to see me. To say something like this to your own child is nothing but monstrous. It is them who dish out the pain here, not you. Whatever you do, do NOT go for an arranged marriage! What are they going to do, drag you to the temple? Well, good luck to them, nothing stops you from telling the whole wedding audience you are not going to do this! They won’t want to face this kind of embarrassment, so don’t worry about them forcing you to do it.

    What you have to do, though, is taking your life in your own hands. Get out of this toxic environment! You have a good job, so move out and live in your own place. If they complain, refuse to talk to them. If your mother throws a tantrum about what you owe her, tell her if she wants you to take care of her in old age, she better start treating you like a human being. Don’t give in to emotional blackmail. It’s your mother’s choice not to eat, it’s not like you are pointing a gun at her head. You didn’t sign any contract with your parents, so whatever expectations they have, they are not your problem. I know it is hard to break a conditioning and even harder to go against your own family, but in the end it is your happiness that is at stake. It is you who will have to live with the consequences, not them. Be strong!

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    • Not just his happiness at stake, but also the happiness of the woman he’s being forced to marry! What will happen to her? He doesn’t care about her at all!

      I’m not mentioning the girlfriend here cos she will survive. If he is not man enough to stand up for her, she is better off without him.

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      • @Sanjana, I completely agree that the woman’s happiness is at stake here too. But I know from my own experience that someone who is bullied first needs to protect himself or herself. When you are under pressurer yourself, it is rather hard to even think about how others might be affected. That’s why I focussed mainly on the email writer. It’s like what they tell you in airplanes: grab your own oxygen mask first and THEN assist others. Because if you try to save everyone else first and only then take care for yourself, you run out of air very quickly.😉

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  18. Buddy, leave home. Ignore your brother and mother. They are being silly.
    If you must take comfort in family, seek your brother out, the one who had the inter-caste marriage. Chances are he will favour your stand more.

    Don’t get married to someone against your will. You are an adult. So act like one. Take control of your own life.

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  19. Do stand up for yourself right now. Right now is the time. Just imagine where this meddling with lead you into the future. Your mother and brother are bullies. They wont stop just here. After getting you married to the girl of their choice they will dictate how much and where your salaries you should go(because according to her she did you a favour by educating you). Then they will decide if, when and where you should go for a holiday and who all should accompany you(because according to them they are doing you favour to ‘allow’ you a holiday). Then they will decide when you should have a child and of which gender(because according to them they would have done you a favour by getting you married). Then they will decide how much you should spend on his/her education(because hey didnt they do you a favour by letting you have a baby).

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  20. What can i say? This is way too common among so many Asians. In one form or the other (sometimes in the west too but for different things). When people do not have control over their own lives, they try controlling others.

    You want your life, they you have to fight for it.

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  21. Dear LW, if at 25, if u are not able to stand up for yourself, your happiness and for what is right…I think u are too young to get married..either to your gf or to the other girl.

    One needs to be mature, independent and able to stand up for themselves in order to enter into a committed relation with another human

    I do not feel sorry for u, it is your decision to bow down to stupid blackmail.
    I do not feel sorry for your gf, she deserves someone better who would stand by her through thick and thin if he says he loves her.
    I feel sorry for the girl who agreed to marry u
    .the poor girl will suffer for trusting in you and agreeing to marry u while u keep her in dark. Also if u bow down to blackmail now, u will force her to bow down to your mother’s blackmail too..maybe about her career, kids or clothes…I hope you at least do the right thing here and tell her the truth.

    Like

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