“What if I let go the gold and money, not that I am rich, but they won’t give me a divorce easily…”

Sharing an email.

Dear IHM,

I hope, you remember the mail that I sent some months ago [An email: “He got very aggressive…”in which I had detailed my problems.  Finally, I made up my mind to get a divorce, my family as you know well support me.  Now, my so called husband appointed a common friend as mediator and let me know that he wants to get back with me, I firmly told her my answer is a NO.  Yesterday, I received a summons from family court asking me to present myself before court, this was in response to his petition that I have abandoned him and he really loves me and without me and kid, he will be having a mental breakdown.  I don’t know why he is doing this.  Is it another form of emotional abuse?
IHM, I know the divorce procedures may take a very long time and my husband and family will not give me one easily.  I think they want to avoid giving back my gold and money.  Do you think since he has filed such a petition, the ruling will be against me or will ask me to stay with him for 6 months or so?  Do you have any links presenting a similar situation?  I don’t have friends who have gone through a divorce, so I am not sure what to expect during a hearing.  My advocate told me there is nothing to worry as my fears are based on filmy court room moments.  I am not able to find comfort in her words.
*
The other option that felt feasible to me was what if I let go the gold and money, not that I am rich, but these people are cheap (a copy of the petition they filed was attached along with the summons, the baseless allegations made me cringe) and they won’t give me a divorce easily.  I am sure an out of court settlement with them is never going to happen because of their greed.  If I go to court, they will do everything they can to delay the process and torture me emotionally.  If they really need a compromise, will they raise such baseless allegations? I thought I will forget everything about the gold and money and start my life afresh, though I am not sure if I am doing the right thing.
Related Posts:

Fight for your money and gold – The era I lived in

40 thoughts on ““What if I let go the gold and money, not that I am rich, but they won’t give me a divorce easily…”

  1. You may be having marriage photographs and many other picture photographs , please keep them with you.
    Also any ceremony photos…
    During marriage any gold buying reciepts , please keep them , OR if your parents have those reciepts.
    Lesson : While gifting gold to daughter (keep reciepts and photo of it with u) …Waise why should parents gift so much gold ..very small amount should be given , if they feel like..
    Keep scans of such things , moment you start doubting a “Bad” Situation

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    • What do you think of this,
      “Yesterday, I received a summons from family court asking me to present myself before court, this was in response to his petition that I have abandoned him and he really loves me and without me and kid, he will be having a mental breakdown. I don’t know why he is doing this. Is it another form of emotional abuse?”

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      • Dear Email Writer,
        yes , it is another emotional abuse and a way to show that you are interested in divorce not him.
        Here do you have instances where u reported problems thru email to parents or anyone infact..Even your copy to IHM or any other forum which you sent can be used a proof to your state since long …Ofcourse IHM or forum letters , authencity of your state may or may not be proven..
        If he says you have abandoned him , he has to prove that.
        Also more than six months separation is mandatory for divorce.
        Separation decided by you to avoid harassment to you will be in your favour.
        Thanks
        FIB

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    • Filing for restitution of conjugal rights is a common tactics used by abusers as soon as a woman files for divorce or domestic violence charges. DG has mentioned it numerous times. Your attorney is right it is nothing to worry about it is a routine procedure. Now that no fault divorce is in effect no one can stop the divorce if one party wants it, it will only stretch for 3yrs of separation.

      Restitution of conjugal rights is like the honeymoon phase of cycle of abuse
      http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/cycle-of-violence/

      You have to make a choice what is important to you, moving on with your life or dealing with these scum of earth for some gold and money that is rightfully yours for years to come. It will extend because you have a child with him, there will be child support you may be seeking and then there is custody issues.

      Often child support is contested in lieu of child custody; give back the child, we’ll raise him/her but won’t pay child support. or you can keep the child and we’ll keep the gold and money etc. If we pay child support then we want access to child at our whims and fancies. So you have major issues at your hands than just the gold.

      Often grooms family replaces gold with light weight sovereigns and they do all kind of drama. Stay focused, those things are minor here you have a child custody to worry about.

      Don’t panic, educate your self and stay focused.
      There are resources and there are easy to read legal manuals get in touch with DG and let her know what city you are in she’ll put you in touch with supportive people.

      Peace,
      Desi Girl

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      • DG,

        I’m just trying to understand how this works – 1. If it can be proved that the husband had shown violent streaks in his behavior in the past (physical violence), shouldn’t the child custody be in favor of the mother? 2. Why should loss of child support be legally compensated with gold/money? The court will decide to give the child only to the parent who is most fit to take good care of the child and ensure its proper development right?

        P.S: Love your blog. Have been using your posts on relationship abuse and child abuse to spread awareness.

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        • Theoretically everything you just said above sounds good practically a lot goes inside and outside the court. We just saw the fast track took nine months to pronounce the judgement in an an open and shut case. This will be a family court where judges are are more a reflection of the larger society. The defendants know they are the party that has wronged will drag it as much they want by not attending the hearings, not providing documents etc. When people work from ego they are willing to cut their nose to spite the face. Then there is high court and further… The aim in such cases should be to get out of that negativity for your sanity the longer you stay engaged in the court battle the longer you let your life be controlled by your tormentors and this in turn keeps the abusers go scot-free.
          Yes, a minor child is rarely removed from mother now a days but child rearing needs resources that other party has and is unwilling to shell out to punish the woman who walks out on the marriage.

          You asked: Why should loss of child support be legally compensated with gold/money?

          That tells what the other parent values, child is just another tool to get back to the spouse. Child custody and divorce are in two different courts so a lots goes in between.
          Thank you for reading GGTS and sharing leave a comment sometime there.
          Peace,
          Desi Girl

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  2. They should outlaw marriage only. All problems will be solved

    I’m sorry, that wasn’t really related to the post. I’m just speaking from the pressure parents are putting on the poor sons to get married. I mean, come on, let him enjoy being single for a while no?:/

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    • Would your gold and money have been a part of some kind of a dowry? Were you and your parents pressured to give it? I think these are questions you and your lawyer can go through with their attorney. Let them be very aware that you can fight dirty if they push you.

      Also, you have your family’s full support, and that’s great. Would it help if your dad, mom, and uncle could come and explain his abusive behavior in the courtroom? They’ve seen him physically assault you. Would that make a difference? (All I know about Indian divorces is that they’re really difficult to get).

      As for why he’s doing this–I do think it’s abuse. He’s trying to gain control over you, all over again. Perhaps you can bring up that you’re afraid that someone who’s abused you could also abuse your child, and raising a child in that environment is very harmful.

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      • I have been through a divorce and can tell you that gold and jewellery are considered streedhan and so can’t be taken away from you. This may be archaic and sexist but is in your favour

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    • What is this all about?
      Parents are putting pressure on ‘poor’ sons? How old are these sons, 10?
      Sons ‘enjoy’ being single and when not single, there is no scope to enjoy? Is this how some single men view marriage? What is the reason? Do they see their parents and other family members who have tied the knot suffer? And when pressure from the parents becomes unbearable, they meekly submit to a life of misery?

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    • The sons should stand up, grow a backbone and use words like ‘NO’, ” STOP’, “MIND YOUR BUSINESS”, “ADULT”, etc.
      No one male / female should be forced to marry or stay married if they don’t want to. irrespective of if they want to enjoy single life or not .

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    • Use your words Sundar. Start with simple ones like NO Mummyji. Also, please don’t hijack discussions because you feel your problems are sooo much graver than the LW’s.

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  3. I don’t know much about divorce laws, but I doubt a court can order a person forcibly to live with one’s spouse. You should gather all evidence you have for the abuse you faced(witnesses, friends/family you confided in, the police case you filed). There is no need to let go of the money/gold: you need that for your child & yourself. Please make sure your lawyer is a good one. Best of luck.

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  4. I wish I could help with the first bit, but unfortunately I can’t. All I can say is good luck and I hope you get some good advice. If need be, you can always contact another divorce lawyer for a second opinion.

    The reason your in-laws are fighting to keep your gold and property is because they already know they have lost the war. They want to win this singular petty battle, because they think that by taking away things that are of monetary value, they will somehow cheapen the much greater gains that you will get in the end. They are just grasping at straws here, kind of like children. You know, when you tell them they are not allowed to do something, and they stamp their feet and in return they say, “Yeah, well YOU can’t do -insertsomethinginsignificanthere-!” Kind of like that. It’s laughable really.

    As for you doing the right thing, I’m not sure if this question is with regards to letting go of your gold and jewelry, or with the whole situation in general. If it’s the former, keep in mind that at the end of the day, it’s just gold and jewelry. It will sting, maybe, to have to give in to your in-laws’ greed, but like I said, this pettiness comes nowhere close to the rewards that you’re getting at the end of this divorce. What you’ll get out of it, the ability to live life on your own terms, freedom from emotional and physical abuse, are things that are incomparable to gold and jewelry. If it’s the latter, well, the same advice applies.

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  5. Listen to your lawyer. He/she has been through this several times. It’s true that the proceedings can drag on if one side wants to make it difficult, but in the end, they have an interest in putting an end to the proceedings too. I’m sure they’d want their son to remarry. One of my friends in India recently got divorced from a crazy guy who just refused to accept that it was over. His interest was not money, he was just delusional and wanted to cling to her family. She pushed him to consent by finding some incriminating emails he sent to other women. In the end, the proceedings took about a year.

    There’s a blog written by a woman in a similar situation to yours – greedy in laws, and there was also a child involved. I don’t want to link to her blog here, but will leave a note on her blog to comment here if she feels comfortable.

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  6. I read u mail u have mentioned he abused u through SMSs….keep them as evidence….If you have a smart phone install a call recording application.Record all his abusive calls in case he repeats them…..these will help you in court.
    Your in laws and Ex seem deranged….they are going to give you hell of a time…Be very very strong….DO NOT compromise and dodnt ever let ur child be near them.
    They dont seem to be idelistic father and grandparents.

    forget abt money and gold….material things can come back….get rid of him ASAP.

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  7. *Tight Hugs*
    I have been in your shoes not very long ago and I can feel your panic and pain closely dear LW.

    From what I gathered from your email (have read the previous one too) your inlaws are surely trying to emotionally blackmail you into returning back to your marital home by threatening you through false allegations.

    If you & your family (who I am glad are supporting you) have made up your mind to seek a divorce, I’d recommend NOT to yield to any demands/ offers of reconciliation. Please seek help from an experienced lawyer (who has experience in family court) ASAP and do all talking only through him.

    As far giving up your ‘Stree Dhan’ please try to find all the marriage pictures, purchase bills, etc. relevant to dowry and gold given to you at the time of marriage. They will help you big time in the court. Do not surrender your gold & money without contesting for them.

    The scene and language is going to get uglier with plenty of false statements as time shall pass. Please don’t let them affect you, because at this crucial point, having your presence of mind intact helps most.

    I am happy to help you with any queries regarding the scenario in the family court. Feel free to email me at : theerailivedin (at) gmail (dot) com

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  8. Gold given to a daughter is called ‘Shteedhan’. It is given as security for bad times. Taking and giving dowry is a crime. You can say they forcibly took away your streedhan which was a gift from your parents to you, and are refusing to return it to you

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  9. I’d suggest you try fighting for your rights first. There is no earthly reason why you should give away your gold to some assholes. It will provide a nice nest egg for your children, never forget that. By the way, why are you not in possession of your gold …?

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  10. why should you let go of your gold and money?

    I mean, it’s divorce… of course it is going to be unpleasant… but that should not stop you from claiming what’s yours, IMO..

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  11. When a person is about to lose the battle, ze starts playing hir ‘becharagi’ card. That is exactly what he’s doing now. ‘I love her, she’s abandoning me, I am lonely, come back’
    Email writer should have faith in her lawyer. After all, ze’s a lawyer, and must have seen many cases like this. That’s all I can say.

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  13. Good luck with the proceedings LW. Get a good lawyer and follow his/her advice. Don’t offer any settlement type measures to them. I think if you offer them your gold etc, they will take it as your ‘weakness’ and cause even more trouble. So don’t offer them anything. You are the one in the right. Be confident and be strong (I know it’s hard when someone is messing with you, but do it for yourself). This will be over sooner or later. They will get tired of playing games when they see how futile they are.

    Others have given excellent advice. Keep all your pictures, receipts, old text messages, new texts messages. Record your calls. Build up evidence of your side of the story as much as possible. All will be well in the end.

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  14. Yes, clearly the petition from your husband is a form of emotional abuse. He will probably try everything to get back in touch with you. Do not go back if you have made up your mind to divorce.

    As for the money… well, if you can keep it, don’t let it go, but if your husband and inlaws use it as a pretext to make things last forever… it might be worth letting the money go to be free. That’s what I did when I separated from my first husband ; he was using any pretext to annoy me, so I let go of things I liked, and even pretented I didn’t care that much about children’s custody – because that was all I cared about. It was a big struggle for self-control, but it was worth it.

    Good luck and hugs.

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  15. A divorce is not easy, worse is yet to come, however it cant be worse that what you went thru. Keep whats yours, don’t keep what’s his, Tell them clearly you are not budging , and you want your freedom, tell him that you simply do not love him and don’t want to stay with him. the simple fact that you cant stand him and his family says it all.

    Take what belongs to you and leave and don’t give up on that at the same time don’t take what’s not yours . the key is to get out in one piece with your sanity intact, giving in to their demands when you have decided to not be with them is never a great idea. look out for yourself and get out as soon as you can.

    best luck and wishes and remember there’s always good out there.

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  16. Dear lady, I commed you for your clarity of thought and your decision to respect yourself over and above everything else. The nitty-gritty of a divorce in the Indian society, the meanness of the family members involved, etc, are all so common and yet so unique to every situation that I have nothing new to say to that. What I do want to use this space for is to tell you something people in your situation lose the sight of. Our society, our culture, our judicial system are so rigged in favour of patriarchy that anyone who tries to challenge it will have a hard time. It’s difficult. But so is the process of preparing a seven-course meal for guests dropping in the same evening. You got to take this “mission divorce” like that. Or like prepping for competitive exams. Take each day as it comes, don’t lose the sight of your goal, and stop taking any meanness personally. Take all instances of meanness and bad behaviour as just one more tactic of your opponent. Let your intelligence and diligence be your motive power rather than self-pity and hatred. DOn’t become mortified at their dirty tricks. Take it as a matter of course. When you are emotionally stable, you will feel less pain. Lean on someone you can trust, talk things out with a confidante, don’t become emotionally reckless and don’t flaggellate your sense of self-esteem. If while prepping a seven-course meal, the yoghurt curdles, or if the tempering burns, you don’t take it personally. Or if while studying for an exam, one particular question is just way too hard and tries to make you lose your sleep, you don’t take it personally, do you? Ditto this case. When they see that you are calmly set on your course to secure a divorce, thinking logically at most times, not falling prey to their petty squabbles, it will demoralise them. Trust me on this. I wish you all the best.
    P.S. why should you let go of what is yours!? Guard your claim to it dispassionately. Most people such as you face are cowards – easily undone by steadfastness of purpose. Your family is with you; just make sure you have a great lawyer. Always remember, You can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs. Don’t be afraid of breaking eggs!

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  17. In India, laws are inclined in favour of woman and ruling must be in your favour that too with out wasting any time as far as your attorney does not make a mistake. Attorneys generally know how to counter this type of shrewd-ism.

    You have nothing to worry but your own attitude because opposition attorney will try to take whatever leverage s/he can out of your emotional situation.

    Use your mind before your do anything, even speak.

    As indicated in one comment take all possible proof with you.

    Sit back & relax because this procedure takes time.

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  18. Its sad to be in such a place. From my experience, patience is the key. My abusive H too has filed a divorce case on harrassment grounds, its been 1.5 years, he neither wants to divorce nor settle. He openly threatens me to keep the case dragging on forever, inspite of me offering him every penny that me and my parents have. Lawyers are always very optimistic, mine still are but I am ready to right now just give anything short of a limb to get this thing done with.
    The legal process is very crippling, so if there is a way to settle things with him with/without your lawyer do it.

    I hope and pray that better sense prevails on your H and you are free from his clutches at the earliest.

    Regards.

    Protector or Murderer!!
    http://balckwhitegrey.blogspot.in/2013/09/protector-or-murderer.html

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  22. Dear Writer,
    Your so called husband, and forgive me for what I am about to say, seems bipolar and mentally disturbed to a certain extent. Please do not succumb to yet another compromise. You are lucky to have a supportive family. Stay with them stay safe and get your divorce. You don’t need this man. Nor does your child need an abusive emotionally unstable father in his/her life.
    Also, even though you have an attorney, do your own research online extensively. (Exactly like you wrote to IHM). Don’t accept answers like “You have been influenced too much by filmy court scenes”. Who says that ? Demand explanations. Question everything until YOU are satisfied with the answers. Your attorney’s job is to explain things to you until you are satisfied.
    Take Care,
    Shalini

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