Boy friends are new parents

 A Guest Post by Desi Girl from GGTS.

There is a whole breed of abusers in training and women are claiming modernity in clubbing yet finding excuses to appease abusers.

What is it that prevents women from breaking up with a controlling boy friend?
Why does she have to beg, borrow steal and seal the deal? If this is the trailer what will happen once the movie (marriage) begins?

Did we miss the train that women moved on and men froze in time? I recall an idiot on your blog was calling me man hater when I raised similar sentiment.

“…it’s like they’ve turned into our parents! In fact, parents are a lot cooler than boyfriends these days.”

As expected, there was a huge fight and I eventually ended up having a hard time convincing him to forgive me. I learnt a big lesson that day and ever since, every time I go partying, I refuse to get clicked,” says Tania.

He expects me to not go clubbing with friends
and instead, stay at home. This is way too filmi for a 20-year-old! That’s why I lie when I go out with my friends,” explains Lipi Suresh*, a pharmaceutical student.

“My ex-boyfriend had this mindset that girls who like partying are not worth taking home to mom!

“Guys have now become ‘possessive girlfriends’.

Hyderabadi girls keeping their boyfriends in dark

These days, apne Hyderabadi girls are bindaas when it comes to letting their hair down, and are also keeping their parents in the loop. But wait! There is still one person who is kept in the dark about our party ladies’ clubbing rendezvous — the boyfriend!

… the pretty ladies have begun to decline the Page 3 shutterbugs, for fear of being ‘caught’ by their paramours.

And the trademark statement doing the rounds in city nightclubs these days is, “Please don’t click my pictures. My boyfriend doesn’t know I’m clubbing. Pleaseeee!”

Related Posts:

An email: An Old fashioned boy friend and a Liberal girl friend.

An email: He did not want me to be “more” educated than he was.

An email: If I am wrong in any way, please advise me a suitable course of action as I feel miserable..

18 questions for young women (and men) of ‘marriageable age’.

“Why didn’t these women find life partners by dating?”

“In unison, everyone agreed that asking her out was outraging her modesty…”

Boys and Girls Holding Hands …

Teaching school children that getting married without ‘a bad name’ is a dream of every young girl.

Where is the opportunity for Indian men to learn the most natural thing in the world – finding a mate??

What did Sharad Yadav mean by, ‘Who amongst us has not followed girls?’

 

58 thoughts on “Boy friends are new parents

  1. Oh I remember reading this a few days back. I wish I could say ‘Unbelievable’.
    Unfortunately I have many friends who either do as their bfs say or lie/sneak/hide and do what they like.
    Now I too used to do this with my parents while in college in hometown. Say have group study/special class/birthday part at ‘home’ etc etc.
    My parents had a weird funda- if they allow me every time I ask something I’d bigadofy. so its allow-refuse-allow-refuse cycle. So I used to lie/hide/sneak for refuse-cases.
    Of course after leaving hometown to pursue masters these sneak-peaks became history. I wouldn’t dream of getting into this vicious cycle ‘again’ with a so-called bf.
    Even looking at my friends as they entertan such bfs make me sooo tired.
    Better be single than that.

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  2. 90% of bf’s are like that these days, the rest 10% are hardcore misogynists. Now girls have a choice either they choose from those 90% as their future partners who are acting like this because they care for their girlfriends (it may seem delusional sometimes) or engross in all the worldly pleasures like clubbing etc and stay single. But you will get bored of that plastic life one day, and long for a human being who will love and admire you.

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    • Clubbing, travelling, doing anything that is making you happy is something that can be done to any age even you are involved in a relation or not. We are individuals with different needs and we should respect each other. The base of any relation is love and trust. Trust is a feeling that grow with time but is not necessary to pass a lifetime to appear. Usually in the first year two individuals are having trust problems but then they start to understand each other. If this is not happening means that a mental problem is there in both or in one of them. We should live our life in peace doing what makes us happy and not trying to control the life of others. Explanation that gives a controlling man to a woman ” I do this because I care for you” is just a lie. In fact is his insecurity, his inability to manage his social life, his own problem. To care don’t mean to control. When one human will be able to control his own destiny then i will believe in control. As much as we try to control our own life is something there more big then us that changes things in a second. So guys/men stop controlling because control is in the hands of God. All that you will gain is just a girl/woman that will finally hide and lie.

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      • “So guys/men stop controlling because control is in the hands of God. All that you will gain is just a girl/woman that will finally hide and lie.”

        Don’t lie Just say no to the bf who you find extremely possessive controlling, and live free. There are bad guys, alcoholics, hooligans hanging out in many clubs, maybe the bf’s are just concerned about safety of their girlfriends. Long lasting relationships are based on trust is true; but also little sacrifices. Trivial thing like clubbing, partying etc. should not come in the way of true lovers.

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        • What does ‘true love’ mean then? If you don’t trust your partner or don’t like their lifestyle to the extent that you want to control them, what does ‘true love’ mean? What you describe is not love at all. The need to control comes out of insecurity and entitlement, not out of love.

          Also, I’m happy to inform you that you are wrong about your 90%-10% analysis. My husband, who was my boyfriend for 8 years, who has NEVER felt the need to tell me not to do something or to control my life choices. I haven’t felt the need to do that either. If he’s having dinner with friends or I am at a pub with my friends, we both wish that the other has a nice time. Why be with someone if you don’t trust them? Love and admiration have nothing to do with control. You can love and admire each other better by *supporting* each other’s personal choices and happiness.

          Oh and I have this ‘sacrifice’ thing before, if you want love then you have to ‘sacrifice’. This is utter nonsense. Love can be based on mutual respect and support.. sacrifice is not essential at all. I have not had to sacrifice anything for my partner and neither has he. We add to each others’ lives, rather than taking away from them.

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        • @anon
          “Long lasting relationships are based on trust is true; but also little sacrifices.”

          my reply: Exactly!!!! therefore such caring BFs should sacrifice their desire to protect their GFs if they want long lasting relationships.

          “Trivial thing like clubbing, partying etc. should not come in the way of true lovers.”
          my reply: You are soooo right!!! So BFs must not let such trivial things come in the way of their relations if they have true love for their GFs.

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        • “Trivial thing like clubbing, partying etc. should not come in the way of true lovers.”

          If they’re so “trivial” as you say, why can’t the boyfriend in question ever be the one to see them as such? Why must it always be the girlfriend who has to view her pursuits as “trivial” things that have to be sacrificed for the greater good? Why can’t the boyfriend sacrifice his misgivings over such “trivial” things, and adopt a live and let live attitude, wherein the two of them can enjoy the things they have in common together, and enjoy separately, the things they don’t have in common? After all, if clubbing and partying are so trivial, the boyfriend shouldn’t concern himself with such matters to begin with, right? Or are those things only trivial when it is the girl who does them?

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        • @A I think bf’s can and should not hesitate to end the relationship, if they don’t want their girlfriends to go clubbing etc. instead of spying, acting possessive or control freaks.

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      • “After all, if clubbing and partying are so trivial, the boyfriend shouldn’t concern himself with such matters to begin with, right? Or are those things only trivial when it is the girl who does them?” “Why can’t the boyfriend sacrifice his misgivings over such “trivial” things.”

        @A By Trivial I meant you wont enjoy clubbing and partying your whole life, some people don’t feel the same way about them as they become older. And why are you alluding that I am with boyfriends. Ofcourse bf’s should also make sacrifices if they want to same as gf’s. otherwise choice of ending relationship is always available to both of them.

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    • I am afraid I can see no love or admiration in people who want to control other human beings. It’s pure control and abuse, no matter whether it’s a question of not going clubbing or stopping from going to whatever religious place they want to visit.

      Worldly pleasures are MUCH better than being in a suffocating relationship where there is no love. And when someone is out to suffocate you, it means there is no love. So, your comment = FAIL!

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    • So ummm, just to be clear, you’re saying the choice is between an open misogynist and a closet misogynist who’s also controlling? I would recommend neither. Better a plastic lifestyle on my terms than that of a caged bird with a misguided human being for a caretaker.

      Fortunately, someone forgot to tell my husband (and many of our friends) that these were the only choices because they picked a third option. They think more in terms of equal rights, equal choices, and basically have a chilled out attitude if you know what I mean.

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    • If a man’s way of loving is me is to tell me that I can’t go out and do the activities that I enjoy, with my friends, in a public setting, then that’s not love. That’s not how I define love. If love is control, then I want no part of it. I would rather take that “plastic life” you describe, any day of the week, as long its on my choosing and my terms. Because believe it or not–human beings don’t need a significant other in order to feel like they’re worth something all the time.

      Anyways, why would a man want to be with me, if all they want to do is change who I am? Why would any man even ask me out if that’s the case? Why not save all his trouble and go ask out a girl who is more fitting to his criteria, rather than find a girl who isn’t and try to force her to be something she’s not?

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    • Oh yes, love comes wrapped in shinny cover of care and concern that is actually abuse and worry not these girls will enjoy the plastic life be it clubbing or staying single they’ll call the shots sooner or later when they wake up and know their worth.
      http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/signs-of-an-abuser/
      http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/08/07/signs-of-an-abuser/
      Peace,
      Desi Girl

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  3. I don’t mind doing stuff, if it is something I want to do…but if its “cause he likes it” I usually ask, what do I stand to gain from it…If its some sort of admiration, then I think its better to be admired like a person would admire a seascape, NO ONE ever tries to change the way the waves come in yet they admire it and love listening to it🙂.

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  4. If your parents act like this , you cant dump them. what’s the deal with hiding form boyfriends, isnt that a big red flag that should have you dumping the guy in a hurry. It should be the most open relationship in the world, Such adolescent behavior makes me think these girls and boys shouldn’t be allowed to marry and ruin their lives!!!! acting like 12 yr olds..
    and what’s with the possesivenes. you want the girl all to yourself? fine , scared for her safety ,be there with her, dont set limits/conditions ..god times sure have changed.

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    • Radha,

      From what I have seen around, many girls still have this thought of ‘pehla and aakhiri pyar’ .. mainly due to the premium they place on virginity. They think ‘no good man’ will agree to marry them thereafter until they hide or conceal their ‘sin’. All talk of liberation and independence for women seems a farce to me when I see this attitude among educated working women repeatedly, only financial independence has been achieved (that also largely due to changing demands of the marriage market).

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  5. I think the glorification of virginity and ‘innocence’ of women in our society contributes to this. Also the difficulty or choosing your own partner. Courtship and future marriage become a huge struggle, to be ‘won’ against all odds.

    I was 12 before I realised that breaking up was even a thing. Seriously. I thought that the first time you have a crush on someone, it is ‘love’ and this is the person you should marry for ‘love’. The bollywood movies I watched showed people falling in ‘true love’ before they even spoke to each other.

    If we educated young people on dating, just going out with someone and talking or watching a movie and getting to know them, then every crush won’t have to be ‘love to die for’. We might be getting our own boyfriends or girlfriends now but we still need to grow out of the idea that once you are linked with someone, you’re stuck with them forever. Abuse and control were seen as ‘romantic’ in our culture and movies for a loooong time. This is only now starting to change.

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    • It seems like you put my thoughts into words. I too was a believer in “pehla and aakhri pyar”. My first boyfriend was a nice person but in a few weeks it was obvious that we were completely different and could not be happy together. But I always tried to make things work somehow and did not even consider splitting. It finally took some growing up and non-judgmental friends to understand that a broken relationship is better than a bitter one. We broke up after more than two years. Interestingly, he too had been feeling the same way, like breaking up was wrong unless the other person is a Psycho or something. Now both of us are happy with our own lives and are still really good friends.

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    • Good point. countless are the movies where leading lady suddenly starts loving the stalker, rowdy dada of college . And countless are the movies where a public humiliation of heroine by means of a tight slap or forced kissing makes her fall in love with her assaulter.

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  6. This reminded me of something my grandmother told me. About how she and her sister-in-law would wait for my grandfather to leave for work and then sneak out to watch a movie. 50 years later and we are right back to where we started.

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    • No one has said that. In fact, if the girl is overtly possessive & controlling, shes not worth being with either.
      Unless its self-harming habits such as drugs, excessive drinking/smoking, there’s no need for any kinda interference or controlling. Even then you cannot help unless the person admits he/she has a problem and wants help.
      Of course there are girls who kick up a huge fuss if their bf so much as glance at another girl. And guys too hide stuffs for the same reason. So???
      My common sense says that Controlling is jus plain WRONG whether a guy does it or girl. Is it so tough to understand???
      There is no need to turn every discussion into girl/woman vs boy/man.

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    • You have a point. The concept of being in a relationship itself is pretty screwed up in our society. How is it a relationship if you cannot be yourself in front of your partner or tell him/her your deepest secrets? It is rather sad.

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  7. Yes, financial independence without emotional independence is not really empowerment. Maybe these young girls watched Friends or whatever is the latest show for 20 somethings and wanted to be all modern and get boyfriends and go clubbing – but without the real foundation of emancipation. Indian women never really fought for and achieved emancipation at the most basic level, in our homes, in our neighborhoods, in our streets. Without those grassroots struggles, suddenly pretending to be a hip character on TV show does us no good – because the old stereotypes just start playing out again between girl friend and boy friend – she needs his permission, she should be a good girl, she should be innocent, he should be in control, etc.

    Before a girl gets a boyfriend, she needs to understand this basic notion – her mind and body belong only to her and no one else. She must be aware of her rights, make conscious and independent choices frequently, and be in control of her own life – these are prerequisites for any future relationship to be healthy.

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    • This is a great analysis.

      Also, most women from conservative cultures are reluctant to break up with a partner (esp if they’ve had sex) because they believe society will label them as unmarriageable. It would be nice if we could empower these girls to be able to make choices that benefit them instead of fearing society.

      Also, I think the unhealthy idealization of romantic love in pop-culture here completely screws up people’s idea of how a relationship works.

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      • Yes, so how to educate people about how relationships work? All they have seen so far is Control, first by parents at home, then by teachers in school and later, bollywood crap. No wonder, there are so many clueless guys and girls in relationships going clearly south!

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        • Thank you, Kay. Agree our pop culture reinforces these stereotypes.

          Aarthi, how to educate …? Not entirely sure. Those of us who are aware to some extent – how did we get there? No one really talked to us, we didn’t see any great role models growing up. My parents were somewhat liberal, which helped, but somewhat traditional, which hindered. One thing they encouraged is lots of reading and that helped, for sure. Got my first ideas of women’s emancipation from reading Virginia Woolfe. Later, other books, movies, poetry openened up my world.

          I think reading books is fundamental to ny sort of change – introduces new ideas, forces you to think, helps you see the world in a different light, makes you curious about other cultures, question your own culture/biases, etc.

          Now we have blogs (growing up, this luxury of discussing topics with people far and wide was non-existent) I think blogs are a great place to discuss and learn about things … they serve as a starting point for change – of course that must be accompanied by true desire to learn and change.

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      • Another problem is that such relationships are not guided by parents, especially when it’s at a young age. The very fact that it has to be hidden from everyone means great potential for abuse exists. A few years ago, even telling a female friend that you have a boyfriend means you were looked down upon.

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        • I think these girls (from the article above) are different because their parents are okay with boyfriends/relationships etc. I think it would be nice if parents talked to their kids about getting into relationships, setting up personal boundaries in relationships, and that it’s okay to break one off if you’re not into it–basically, just let them know that they’re there for them in case something should go wrong.

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  8. I think the concept of personal space is a problem with many couples especially in India. A lot of people believe that if you are a couple then you have lost the right to do things on your own or for yourself. I’ve met many couples who believe in always doing things together. No individual outings etc. Misogyny may not be the only reason why boyfriends don’t like their girlfriends going out clubbing without them. Their idea of couple hood could be the problem.

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    • I absolutely agree. It goes both ways. I’m an early riser and enjoy going for a run with my friend. My husband wakes up later and prefers to not join – he’s happy I’m having fun spending time with her. My husband loves tinkering with his car and going to car shows – which is just not my thing. He goes by himself and comes back all excited and happy – I’m glad he’s had fun, and don’t mind listening to him describe these amazing engines (up to a point:) but would rather not spend hours at these shows. It is healthy to give each other some space.

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  9. The idea of relationships, as a whole, is a messed up concept within the Indian psyche. We’re so often torn between the idea of “first love, last love” and the actual realities of being a human being. We try to cling to ideals that really have no place in real life, and go to stupid lengths in order to make them work. We don’t see couples as two individuals in a mutual partnership, but rather as two people fused together into one human being that can’t possibly have an rational or discernible thought processes aside from each other. It seems almost ingrained in us to take everything to its extreme, without realizing that those extremes are so often unhealthy.

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  10. The movie Raanjhana is a perfect example of abusive/messed up relationships being called “love” and creating dangerous notions of “romance” in young minds.

    – The guy jumps into an auto the girl is riding in, and threatens to slash his wrists if she doesn’t “love” him. She says, “Go ahead.” And he does slash his wrists. She is all over him, crying and hugging.
    – She is sitting behind him on a scooter and when she tells him she loves someone else, he drives off into a river, endangering both their lives.
    – When she talks about him in a condescending way, he attempts suicide.
    – She falls for another guy, a “college rowdy”, and when she challenges his ideas, he loops his hand around her neck and shoves her, while making a point.

    This is not “love”, it’s an insane form of possession. The movie shows that she MUST marry this suicidal psychopath at any cost, even at the cost of their lives. Because he has “sacrificed” so much for her, because “he cannot live without her”, because, “he will take 15 slaps from her until he says yes”.
    I hope teens/young adults don’t model their relationships on this sick movie.

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    • To be fair, I agree with what you’ve said about the movie, but I really don’t think that portraying that sort of relationship is the same as advocating it.

      Besides,even in the movie,nothing good happens to either protagonists, and they all do suffer the consequences of their irrational and impulsive behaviour (and try to make amends)

      I thought the movie was a realistic example of how the “insane ” and “possessive” kind of love actually plays out in real life- with no happy endings for anyone.
      I’d hope any teens watching it would also reach the same conclusion.

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      • I couldn’t bear to finish the movie. Aah, so this is the conclusion, then. I think when he said, “In UP, there’s 2 ways to get a girl, one is to follow her day in and day out (which sound like stalking to me) ……”, I thought in the end, they’re somehow going to justify all this sick, criminal behavior as “love”.

        Even if they did end up concluding on the note that these kinds of relationships are destructive, I still feel this movie can be pretty damaging to young minds – given the fact that we are already dealing with a lot of “eve teasing”, street harassment, “commit suicide if you have a breakup” type behavior etc. in real life.

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  11. I wonder how many of the people commenting above about the movie ‘Raanjhana’ would be equally be disgusted with movies like ‘Gangs of Wasseypur’. But amazingly, people seemed to have thoroughly enjoyed GOW. Movies like these belong in the trash. But aren’t we the biggest hypocrites?

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      • As people commenting above have stated how such movies are damaging to young minds, so are extremely violent movies like GOW. Who knows which kid will take one of those criminals portrayed in the movie as his idol and grow up to do the same. But it’s silly to think only the crime (stalking/harassment) shown in ‘Raanjhana’ is damaging and not the crimes in GOW.

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  12. Ithink this phenomenon is not restricted to Indians alone, even Chinese have this. Many of them say, their bf’s call them all the time & they are constantly reporting to them. Some of them are jumping with joy when their Bf’s are out of town, so that they can hang out at clubs.

    I think this is a result of :
    – Indians having to hide relationship from their family
    -Nobody giving you proper dating advice or telling you how to go about it
    -low self esteem
    – Pressure to be hooked (married or have a bf, so you would rather put up with crap than be single)
    – conservative men
    – controlling being seen as concern/love – anytime you object, they say “how could you, we care for you”
    – Ppl not being taught to let go & have lives of their own. If your sole purpose exists as someone’s wife/gf, it is difficult to look beyond that

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