Sharing an email.
I am a regular reader of your blog; it’s a really nice platform for married girls to share their views and thoughts on the current situation of different aspects of married life. My Sister who is elder to me by 3 years, needs help about a difficult situation regarding her husband.
My Sister and her husband are married for 6 months, they both are well educated and both belong to moderate families. They live in a separate city quite far from my family. Though my sister is very open-minded, her husband seems to be somehow narrow minded in many ways. Though I have read about such situations but never seen them in real life. Her husband seems to be paranoid and insecure regarding my Sister. He’s very paranoid about everything she does or doesn’t. It’s just her and her husband, her Parents-In-Law & family stay in another town, but still with just the two of them at home they seem to be having a lot of problems. Her husband is very fussy and whatever she does he thinks she isn’t as responsible and is lazy. My sister is a working lady and goes to work. She wakes up, does the cooking, clean up and then leaves for work, and by the time she finishes her work comes home cooks dinner cleans and sleeps, she is very tired. He helps her around the chores too, but he thinks he is doing a big favor in helping her out and never appreciates her efforts and is always cranky about her way of doing things. All he tells her is that she does not do anything properly, there is no proper planning and blah blah, basically she is not as capable of taking care of the house like his Mother.
One more thing is, he is over-protective and possessive about her. His idea of marriage is about them always being and doing things together all the time. No personal space allowed for both. He is not got any friends. She is not allowed to go anywhere without him, not even shopping, no meeting friends all by herself. He has asked her to delete all her guy friends` numbers from her phone and not to keep in touch with any of them. When asked why, he says he does not want unnecessary tensions and wants peace at home. She has left them all, but still he doubts if she is in touch with them while at work. He has unnecessary thoughts running in his head about her time spent at work. She is barred from accessing Gtalk, YM, FB, twitter, basically all online social networking sites. Her calls and messages are checked every day. He wants to know each and everything that is happening in her life.
Though he’s a totally different person when he is calm. He has good intentions about her, kids and their future. But he is very short tempered and moody, he reacts to situations instantly without thinking about the consequences. But once he has calmed down he would ask her sorry innumerable times and admits his mistake.
My sister is very confused about these mood swings of his. She has suggested counseling innumerable times but he won’t agree. She loves him a lot and doesn’t want to lose him. She wants help but her husband will not let a third person interfere in their personal matters. My parents tell her that “She being a GIRL, has to adjust first for some time and then he would realize and change. And these are common problems faced by most of the couples in the initial stages of marriage. He is just over possessive about her and so on.” But she feels suffocated in this relationship and is anxious about herself and her future. Is it true that all newly married couples face these kinds of problems initially? Will everything come back to be normal for my sister? Should she (because she is a girl) compromise and listen to him now to avoid all the fights & conflicts and sit & wait for him to change? How can she go about all this? Need suggestions which can help her out.
A Helpless Sister