Sharing an email.
I am a regular reader of your blog, it has given me enough courage to stand up for my rights as a person, but it took a long time for me to contact you.
I am a 29-year-old woman, married to a very traditional expatriate. He is a perfect patriarch who is just the opposite of my beliefs. My parents have given me a good education and helped me in becoming independent and confident. I am working in IT field. After 2-1/2 years of married life, I am at a point in life where I am contemplating divorce. Even though we were just the opposite in everything, he loved me or at least made me believe he loved me very much. We have a 1-year-old kid now. Before my marriage, I told my husband that I would be supporting my parents even after marriage. He agreed to everything then. But things started changing slowly. I know I have my own shortcomings, I am short-tempered and cant stand anything that does not make sense.
My husband is a very unstable person, he never sticks to his job for more than a month or two. This issue gave me a lot of stress while we were living together. I am not sure if it is a matter of his competency. He had asked money from my dad in the situations of crisis and when my father told him the amounts he asked was beyond his ability to give, he started to talk ill about my dad in front of me and stopped talking to my dad.
My mother had come to our home abroad to be with me during my delivery. He verbally abused her when she supported my father (again the issue was finance). This can be considered as a main issue that caused a split in our relation. My in-laws never took this issue seriously when we talked about this to them.
When I came back to India after delivery (i was on maternity leave), I stayed in my parent’s home and this was the first chance for my in-laws to see my baby, but even then only my FIL came for the naming ceremony (28th day). On one of the last days of my vacation, my husband called me and apologized to me and told me we could start everything once again and we could be happy as before. He told me to leave our baby with my parents for 2 weeks and by the time, he will make arrangements for baby’s visa. I believed him and went back leaving my baby (then 3 months) with my parents. He even told me don’t worry “many babies lose their mothers during childbirth, our child is luckier than them.” I treated those words only as rubbish then. But the 2 weeks extended to 1-1/2 months and still he could not make any arrangements to take my baby back even though we got the visa. Because neither my mother nor mine was willing to come to us. So, I resigned and came back.
During the last month, he physically abused me a lot. He made allegations of me having an affair with someone and did not even mind to clarify that with me. I tried my best to stop him that day, but he got very aggressive and even started pulling the loosened muscles of my abdomen (post preg) very hard, I even thought my surgical sutures will be broken and I will die. I cant express the pain I went through that day in words. Then, I called my family and they told me to come back as soon as possible and until the last day, avoid any such situation and after coming back, we will think about the next step.
I should mention that my very caring in-laws did not find it necessary to come and see my baby who was in my parents’ care for 1-1/2 months. When I was about to come back, my FIL told me he has decided that we (me and my baby) will stay with them like all the good DILs. I told him I am not interested in such an option as my place of work is near to my parents’ home and I will stay with them. Then, he told me “you are not going to work after coming back.” I did not agree to that too.
After coming back, I joined my previous company and still I am working with them. After 2 months, my husband too came back after losing his job. On the day of his return, he and my MIL who till then never visited my baby came to my home to take us with them. I said it is okay for me to stay with them for a few days, but I wanted to know the correct date of my return. For this, she started abusing me. “You and your job, we have no benefit from it. Why did you chose to marry my son, we are financially well above you.” Then started abusing my father in front of me and my family. when I raised my voice against her, my husband rushed to me and pulled at my hair and somehow kept my head between his knees and started squeezing my knees. Then, my father came and pushed him away. My uncle was also there and he too joined my father. Then, my husband turned his anger on my father and uncle, he hit them with his hands. Then, we called police and the mother-son duo ran away from there.
Then, the biggest mistake ever. I compromised with him after 2 weeks and everything went back to “normal.” He even stayed with me at my home all those days after coming back from his home till he went back for another job. His father again started creating issues. I told him I cant travel such a long distance (our houses are in different districts) each weekend with such a small kid. He told his son about this and my husband started calling me names over the phone and even through SMS.
Once I took leave from my company and went and stayed there for 2 days, but it was not enough to satisfy my in-laws. When I was about to make my return, my FIL and MIL told me if you are going today “you should never enter our home again.” To which I could only respond “dont threaten me with these words as I am your son’s legally-wedded wife and I have every right to be here whenever I wish. Anyway, I am not going to come back after such an insult” and left the place.
Then, the worse of all. My FIL sent me a legal notice in my husband’s name threatening me “If i did not go back to their house in 7 days, they will start the procedure for divorce.” To which my father consulted a lawyer and sent an answer back. My lawyer clearly stated everything including the physical abuse, sexual abuse and the police case, told them that I am not interested in divorce and if they are to proceed with it anyway, they have to give me Rs. 50 lakhs as alimony including the compensation for my sufferings, my child’s maintenance and the gold I had taken with me during my marriage. To that notice, they never responded till this day.
After 5 months, I called my husband and told him, I am ready to start a new life just for my baby if he too wishes that. He said he always wanted it and I am the one who took every happiness from him. Then, he started calling me everyday and even told me to look for a new home in my place so that we three can live together. Then something happened, I am really not sure what the reason is, he called one evening and started to talk in his old way and the name callings. He even called my father and called him every bad names. I could not take it anymore and I told him, now it is the end of everything and I am certainly going for a divorce.
Last week, my brother-in-law called me and requested me to think about a compromise. I told him, I am not going to come back and I am thinking of starting the procedures. The very next day, my husband called me and told me he is ready for a compromise and he cant leave without his wife and kid. I answered in negative and did not answer his calls after that.
What I want to know is if I am doing the right thing? Please give me your opinion on this. Do you think my marriage is worth saving? I hope you will let me know your mind after reading this. I know this is a pretty long mail, but please find time to read this.
Love and Regards,