R’s Mom shared this link, and I agree with the gist of the post, although I wish the tone was more sensitive to the young woman – who is also a victim of Patriarchy, that sees Getting and Staying Married as the only goal in women’s lives.
http://m.indiatimes.com/news/india/is-suraj-pancholi-a-victim-in-the-jiah-khan-suicide-case-82932.htmlWhat are your thoughts on this one?
Read Jiah Khan’s suicide note, Jiah’s letter to Suraj Pancholi
Let me share some bits from Jiah’s letter. This is why, I feel, Getting and Staying Married should not be seen as the biggest goal in a woman’s life.
“You may not have known this but you affected me deeply to a point where I lost myself in loving you.”
IHM: Glorifying such dependence leaves those ‘lost in love’ vulnerable to manipulation, control and abuse; OR it drives them to control those they feel they can’t live without.
“… I’ve never given so much of myself to someone or cared so much. You returned my love with cheating and lies.”
IHM: Shouldn’t lack of reciprocation, lies and cheating be seen as warning signs?
“It didn’t matter how many gifts I gave you or how beautiful I looked for you.”
IHM: Gifts and beauty can make a disinterested or manipulative man turn into a loving partner?
“…When I first met you I was driven, ambitious and disciplined. … I didn’t see any love or commitment from you. I just became increasingly scared that you would hurt me mentally or physically.”
IHM: There was violence, or fear of violence, but Jiah thought this relationship was worth taking her life for.
“Your life was about partying and women. Mine was you and my work.”
IHM: Generally the partner who likes to socialize (seen as frivolous) is seen as the culprit, and the one who likes to spend time ‘gainfully’ and alone with the partner the victim
But couldn’t it indicate incompatibility or disinterest, or both?
“…. I never told you but I received a message about you. About you cheating on me. I chose to ignore it, decided to trust you.”
IHM: Why is foundation-less trust glorified, and even romanticized?
“No other woman will give you as much as I did or love you as much as I did. I can write that in my blood.”
IHM: Based on Bollywood values: Love is giving and suffering silently, and watching the loved one happy.
And writing in blood is not unheard of, it is seen as a proof of ‘true love’.
Things were looking up for me here, but is it worth it when you constantly feel the pain of heartbreak when the person you love wants to abuse you or threatens o hit you or cheats on you telling other girls they are beautiful or throws you out of their house when you have no where to go and you’ve come to them out of love or when they lie to your face or they make you chase after them in their car. Or disrespects their family. You never even met my sister. I bought your sister presents.
IHM: So many reasons to end a relationship. And can reciprocation be ‘earned’ with trust and loving someone ‘loyally’?
Please note, this post does not blame Jiah Khan’s parents, Suraj Pancholi or Jiah Khan for her suicide, it is only an attempt to understand why so many Indian women commit suicide when disappointed in relationships/marriages.
Here are some more women who did not walk out of abusive relationships.
Some have died, some live unhappily, some still hope they will eventually reform the man, some have accepted misery as their destiny.
Are Happily Married Daughters a status symbol in India? (Update: Now this daughter refuses to end her marriage, she has cut all ties with her parents.)
Perhaps, this video explains it better.
And a success story.