‘I still want to support my decision of getting married to him. I need your help’.

Sharing an email.

Dear IHM,

My husband and I have been living in an open European country for the past few years now and we (rather me more) had been trying to get a local job just to gain more security and employment privileges that usually Indian IT companies cannot offer.
After a long struggle (euro zone crisis to blame) I succeeded in getting one but my husband is still with the same IT company. His project is ending soon and we (again rather me) have been trying vigorously for him either to get a job elsewhere or another project within the same company to buy us some time.
Initially I thought both of us wanted the same thing but gradually my husband’s mind seems to be drifting. His family also pressurizes him to get back to India which is not possible for me right now ‘coz firstly I have changed my job and secondly I don’t even wish to work there.
I have a friend circle here both Indian and Local people, my husband if i m not being too harsh doesn’t have any friend circle at all. He usually hangs out with my friends and the local ones he always tries to make fun of.
He says he is fed up of this country and when i ask him which is the perfect country for him then he has no answer. I simply don’t understand sometimes what he wants out of his life. Ours was a love marriage we met here only 2 years back and got married last year but i feel i have not known him enough even now, nor does he know me.
I have advised him time and again whatever the situation, we would face it together; and we can still stay together even if he doesn’t have a project here or a job he desires or even study masters (which he always wanted) but it’s all unacceptable for him. He says he can’t live on my money. Yes, till now i used to think its all OUR money that we earn but suddenly it has become my money. He is ready to go back and live with his beloved family. I no longer form his family coz i still have my maiden name.
I never get such hypocrisy and idiocy citing the excuse of so called Indian culture and customs. F**k the rules that states this and f**k the people who abide by those. (sorry for my language but i don’t know how to control my anger right now).
There are  innumerable reasons to fight and argue over the same rules but only one reason to stay together love and respect for each other  and i prefer the latter one coz i still want to support my decision of getting married to him. The only thing i need now is how to do that. I need your help.
2.

Dear IHM,

Thanx for your response. All this time i tried to talk to him and ask his views about marriage and the reason why he got married to me.
I kind of understand that he is going through professional turmoil. He works with similar Indian minded people who kind of make fun of him now that he will not be having any project and his wife will be working. He will have to apply for a dependent visa if things turns out good. I try to pacify him and make him understand that this is just temporary and people will always have something to say no matter what you do.
He loves me a lot i know and also listens to me sometimes but he himself confessed to me lately that he feels he is a deterrant in my progress. If he continues to be with me I will not achieve what i deserve which i feel is not correct. I draw alot of strength from his support and love as well that’s the very reason i married him.
I like to go out, try out new things meet a lot of different people but he has become more reserved and demotivated now. He wants to achieve big things in  life but even he doesn’t know where to start.
I have somehow convinced him to stay here and fight until he gets something but looking at the situation i also fear…  till what time am i going to support him (mentally) to fight and struggle to stay here?
One thing i know for sure that if we stay separate even for a few months our relationship will not survive. I know him he is very possessive about me.
– I need your help

43 thoughts on “‘I still want to support my decision of getting married to him. I need your help’.

  1. It’s a bad phase in his life. He is depressed, those are clear signs of depression. During such depressive phase, it is difficult to think right and rationally. It is not an uncommon behavior where a man feels it is unacceptable to use his wife’s money. He could be missing his family too. Other than the job, there could be other factors that might be pulling him down like becoming a joke among his colleagues. He could be feeling insecure also. I think, apart from asking him why he married you, you can also discuss with him what he really wants and try asking leading questions. He is stressed out, you would be too, if you were in a similar situation. Why don’t you ask him to take a short holiday like visiting his family back in India or where ever you live. This must be tough on you, but may be it is equally tough on him too. Stay strong and positive, hopefully everything good will happen to you.

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    • Also, being the butt of jokes doesn’t do anything for the ego – especially the male ego. I think it’s just a passing phase.

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  2. “He says he can’t live on my money”
    That statement tells all.
    To me it looks like the classic male ego problem.
    He does not want to depend on his wife.
    He would not mind his wife depending on him.
    That is part of Indian tradition.

    He needs to let go of old baggage
    Times are different.
    There is nothing wrong in a wife supporting her husband in these modern times particularly when both are abroad.
    I know many couples like this where the man was temporarily dependent on his wife.
    All of them handled the situation with maturity though the parents of the boy, back home did induge in wailing and chest beating and wanted the couple back home Even if it meant that the lady would have to give up a great career.

    Tell him periods of stress and strain are part of married life.
    These difficult times are temporary and will soon pass.
    Let him continue his attempts to find a job or even consider additional training or education during this period.
    A brief holiday back home might have some beneficial effect.
    On no account should the lady sacrifice her career ambitions for the sake of this man.
    If it means temporary separation, so be it.
    If it means a break up of the marriage, that’s sad but must be accepted calmly.
    I hope the problem will be resolved and that the man will find a way out in time.
    All the best
    Regards
    GV

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  3. You seem to have grown in different direction or perhaps you never tried to find out what the other persons views on critical issues were.
    Talk it out. He is upset. Men seem to derieve a lot of their worth from the job. And hanging out with Indians or anybody who makes you feel bad does no good.
    At the same time, if you really know what you want from your life and what you are going at, why is he spending time listening and feeling bad about what others are saying.
    I personally believe dialogues like, I am stopping you from progressing are bullshit and not really revealing the real issue your husband is feeling. This is just to make themselves feel good and nice about sacrificing themselves for you.
    I think people do not change unless they make the conscious decision to.

    He has to stop and think – What kind of a job? Is visa more important or money? Can you look for a job with lesser pay for time being? Where does he really want to live? Does he want to live away from his parents or Indian friends? What does he want from his life? Can he do some part time job mean while he gets a good job? Does he value his life, his wife and dreams or useless things people say? Can he withstand parental emotional drama?

    You could tell him how his behaviour makes you feel and give him space and time to think through. Can you guys come up with a common location where both would like it? What exactly are both of you looking for in a country? at work? living?

    Also, we are people. We make mistakes and that includes marriage and love and men. It is okay. If you feel you cannot go on together, it is better to correct your mistake rather than holding onto a man to prove a point no?

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    • Yea, I completely agree about the ‘I’m stopping you from progressing’ part. That sounds like the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ break up line.

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      • Yeah, most of his responses look like he wants to break up but is not sure how to be the first one to suggest it. He’s waiting for her to break up with him. It’s still early enough that if these two get a divorce, there won’t be a lot of emotional baggage.

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  4. Sounds like you are dealing with two things here. One is that your husband has been brought up to believe in patriarchy. And the second thing is that the circumstances have made him insecure.

    In my experience, a secure person is always more open to making changes in his beliefs as well as adjusting to new realities of his life. A few years into my marriage, I also had become insecure which was leading to many arguments between me and hubby. One day after we had a nice evening (dinner and movie), he asked me if I realized that I had some insecurities. I think it was smart of him to bring it up on a day I was happy rather than after a fight. The latter would only have made me defensive. I am not saying that this would be the right way for you, but I do want to tell you that insecurity is something that the person feeling it has to identify and overcome. You can only help your husband if he lets you otherwise you will only end up more frustrated.

    Given that you are in Europe, have you thought of marriage counseling?

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  5. Hmmm…Tough situation! Basically this guy’s ego is more important than his relationship with his wife. Not his fault poor thing – don’t blame him – he is simply a product of his culture and the society he lives in. It’s up to him to choose the option that will hurt a little now but help him grow, or to give up and go back to his family and sit on their laps. I suggest you say nothing more – you’ve presented the options to him. Let him choose. I’m guessing that his going back would mean he goes back alone. Let him do that if that’s what he chooses. His weakness may become apparent to him. Alternately, he may opt for therapy, which would help him battle his low self esteem and help your marriage. Remain strong and see what happens. Good luck.

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    • Unfair and judgemental assessment, really. Pasting what I said below: The couple were living in India, and that was their vision of life.

      After staying in Europe for a bit, one person’s vision of life changed, and another’s remains the same as thought of during marriage. I’d really lean a bit more towards the husband, really, if the relationship needs to be saved.

      I don’t think we view this through terms such as ‘culture’ or ‘society’. The wife’s vision of life changed, his remains the same. How do you so easily side with the wife here? That seems incredibly shortsighted

      I’m going to be daring, very disrespectful and say: If the roles were reversed, it would be a case of the woman being denied her rights in a relationship.

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  6. “i still want to support my decision of getting married to him. The only thing i need now is how to do that. I need your help.”

    Marriage counselling with some individual therapy for both parties. After that, it’s up to you guys to come up with what you want to do and how you want to take things forward. Having a neutral third party (counselor or psychologist) helps. If he doesn’t even agree to go to counselling/therapy then you’re out of luck. While you’ve shown your support and dedication in trying to help him, he must help himself–there’s no other way around it.

    As someone who went through a depressive episode that lasted almost a year, having a super supportive spouse didn’t make a difference. I had to put in the effort to make positive changes.

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  7. Would suggest you look into YOUR real reasons for wanting to stay in this marriage. Some questions for you to think about:
    You mention ‘love’ and ‘respect’ – but does he really respect you?
    You mention you count on his support – but does he really support you emotionally ie?
    If he loved you so much just 2 years ago, why is it so easy for him to say he’d rather go back to india and live with his family rather than take up the support you’re so graciously offering him?
    Why does he not have his own friend circle? Why does he criticize your local friends?
    Why is he so insecure about his job, his prospects, or unable to get another job /project there? By any chance is it self sabotage – at some level he wants to quit or return to india ?
    Why is he so reluctant to stand by you, or with you?
    If he’s currently in a difficult professional situation – does he have the gal to work his way out of it? If not would you be willing to support him financially over an extended period? What about once you have kids and perhaps want to quit full time work?
    In the larger scale of things, this is not a life threatening situation. Would he stand by you in a real life/death situation, say a critical illness or would he chicken out? Would he similarly stand up for you when you are down?
    By any chance are you just trying to see the best in him because you ‘loved’ him and married him just 2 years ago?

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  8. He’s probably depressed, Losing a job would make that happen. Ye syou love him an dtrust him an drespect him, but unless you can hand him a job on a platter you have to give your support and stand by, nothing else you can do.
    His family wants him back – yes most families act that way, they think they can protect him better that way, right or wrong.
    I wouldnt take big decisions on marriage int his state. stress can bring a marriage closer or drive it apart, depends on the person stressed out, the spouse can be supportive an d leave it.
    I got married and moved and suddenly the fact that i was dependent on him hit me.– yep out of the blue, some silly fight and i said i”m leaving & it hit me i had no where to go, burned my bridges with parents, quit my job and now what? trust me I had pretty much access to everything and joint accounts and even my own a/c still it’s not money it’s a feeling. and boy was i nasty. and itching for a fight , well luckily for me, my husband got me to a masters program and at the same time suggested a few places where i apply and in a few months i had a choice of job or school. –it’s a diff story that i head one of his businesses now🙂 and its all our money . but if he had opened his mouth with one wrong move i would have walked or at the least thrown a tantrum and accused him of everything. One i got over the depression then i wondered what all the fuss was about but hubby tells me i was not fun to be around.
    so give him space dont ponder on the meaning of your marriage, why he married you is not important at this moment, dont give up your career , support him, let him take a break and if he cant find work after a few months, guess it’s time for him to salvage his career and go where he finds work, and both of you tacke it then.

    As for friends, some people are introverts, no harm in that, they are perfectly happy by themselves. and those indians who ridicule him, well it’s a free speech , they can ridicule and he can ignore..
    he’s not a child, he’ll get over it.

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  9. I feel bad for your husband-he’s shortly going to be unemployed, and is unable to find another position – so is depressed already- and also is having to face up to the possibility of becoming dependent on you. While it’s easy to call him out on ‘male ego’ , the fact of the matter is his upbringing in all likelihood has always tied his self esteem to his ability to be a provider. It’s that self-esteem and image of himself that’s hit rock bottom. Helping him through this time will be tough, but here are my suggestions-
    1. Don’t take any of this personally. He’s having a rough time. He feels like shit about being unemployed.Remind him that it’s extremely common and mostly temporary. He needs some time to get used to this BIG change in his professional circumstances.
    2. I second Kay’s suggestion to go for counselling- especially if his low mood and loss of interest seem to get worse. Losing a job can be pretty traumatic, and the failure to find a new one can make every successive day seem bleaker- it may well be that professional support is required.
    3. He may be willing to stay if his immigration status would allow him to seek work- try and find a way to do that. He could also use peopleperhour.com or other similar services to do freelance work till then.
    4. Alternatively, encourage him to use the time to travel/visit his family in India.

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    • Gee, I’m surprised at every woman trying to claim ‘male ego is the problem’.

      The couple had a vision of life when they married – to live in India. After staying in Europe a bit, one person’s vision of life changed, the other’s remained same. Who do you blame here?

      Does it matter whether it is male ego or female ego?

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  10. Basing from how you describe your husband I would say that your husband is the kind of man the is success oriented or go-getter. There is nothing wrong with it. In fact it is very much admirable. However, these types of people are the ones that cannot readily handle defeats or loss not because they have an extreme ego but because they are not used to having things not under their control. They are used to succeeding and sometimes they are no longer aware of their lack of rationality. Now ego plays an important role as well in this situation, but understanding where this ego resides is very much imperative in order to find the problem and solve the problem. If this go unchecked, your husband may be going straight through depression without even him knowing it. And from there, it is much more difficult to resolve. When your husband says that it is only your money and not his, what he really mean to say is that, “I should be the one taking care of you and not you taking care of me.” AND “I feel sorry for myself, I need help but not from you.”

    Usually people who go through this problems are those who lose their sense of purpose, and the fear of the future.

    What are you going to do?

    I suggest the following:

    1. I suggest that you ask a time for your husband to talk. Don’t just talk to him whenever you find him sitting in the couch because I guarantee you, if he is in that stage, he doesn’t want to be disturbed as his thoughts are also wandering in the future. So ask for a time.
    2. Before you bring to him the problem, tell him your observation towards him and how those makes you feel. Remember, you are communicating here whatever it is that is bothering you so being HONEST is very important. Tell the TRUTH. Make sure he HEARS you and not only listens to you.
    3. Women wants their feeling to be cherished while men wants their feeling to be respected. So give him the assurance that whatever that is that he wants, you will RESPECT his decision for himself and your family. Maybe your husband will tell you he needs time to think or maybe he will tell you that he is not aware that he is making you feel sad. Either way, the most important thing is that you COMMUNICATE and not only talk.
    4. From the looks of it, your husband is an intelligent man. Men are wired to be strong people and provider. Your husband will meet you at a point where his strength can meet you. In other words, your husband will respond to you your plea in a way he his strengths can. So please do not expect more. ACCEPT what he can offer each day and sooner or later he will be back on track again.

    I hope these simple suggestions can help save your marital relationships.

    My prayers goes out to your family.

    May God Bless you.

    Jay

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    • “Women wants their feeling to be cherished while men wants their feeling to be respected.” – Crap! This men from Mars, women from Venus thing is complete bullshit. Both men and women want the same thing. This is basically implying that women don’t need respect and that is frankly the source of all our gender problems today.

      “Men are wired to be strong people and provider.” False. Men are bulldozed by patriarchal society to be providers or else made fun of.

      I agree that communication is essential.

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  11. The couple is in a difficult situation now, and the girl needs to emotionally support her husband as he is in a fragile place right now. That said, the guys need to understand that the situation is temporary. He shouldn’t give any importance to what others say. Maybe stop hanging out with his narrow minded Indian friends who make fun of him for not having a job. Both of them need to sort this out between them, running to parents should not even be an option!

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  12. Dear email writer,

    You really need to take a close look at your relationship. No relationship is perfect and all couples have differences – however it is important to agree on fundamental values if the relationship is to thrive. In your case, the values that are being tested are –
    – equality and respect between husband and wife (wife working supporting husband should be acceptable to him)
    – love that makes you determined to work through problems (not leaving you to go to India, but staying here and facing the challenges without flinching)
    – acceptance of each other’s choices (he not making fun of your friends, being supportive of your need to socialize, you accepting that he sometimes prefers quiet time over friends)
    – honesty and communication (talking about his real feelings rather than saying he’s ‘holding you back’)
    – optimism and a ‘can do’ attitude (losing a job is hard, but believe me, there are far worse things in life, yet we get through them, we find a way to survive)

    I don’t know if counseling will help – a counselor is genrally helpful when a couple share the same fundamental values but have communication problems, personality conflicts, or a personal crisis that is rocking a previously satisfying, stable relationship. If there is a fundamental difference in your outlook on life (which is what it seems to me), a counselor can point out the problem to you. He/she will help you work through it only if there is s tremendous amount of commitment on your husband’s part to change his basic outlook on life. So far, your husband is not demonstrating this type of commitment to solve the problems at hand. Maybe going to a counselor will help him see the problem more clearly and force him to take a stand, one way or the other, instead of playing the escapist.

    I admire your commitment in trying to make this work but it will work out only if he does his part too. All the best.

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  13. This could be a passing phase if both of them stop being so rigid. Yes, the husband is going through a bad phase and his stress, ego and insecurities are causing many of the problems. But the LW’s ego and rigidity are not helping the situation. Why can’t she work in India or a third country? Somebody has to give if this marriage is to be saved.

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    • Why is it always socially acceptable and honorable only for the woman to sacrifice and compromise for saving the marriage? LW wants to work abroad because she believes that is best for her career and she has a job, why should she give it all up? If the scenario was reversed where wife lost her job, nobody would bat an eye lid or perhaps even be happy/relieved that now she can exclusively focus on feeding the hubby hot meals, iron his shirts and get into male-baby-making work. Why can’t the husband man up and treat the wife as an equal team member and not a dependent helpmate to stoke his ego?

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      • “If the scenario was reversed where wife lost her job, nobody would bat an eye lid or perhaps even be happy/relieved”

        What you really mean is that people of patriarchal mentality would not bat an eyelid. You forget to mention that if the scenario were reversed, you would be on your feet accusing the husband of being a male chauvinist dinosaur.

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    • This is more than a ‘bad phase’ it sounds like a depressive episode to me. Whatever the case may be, clearly, the guy’s personality seems to be the type that lets go of commitments very easily. He seems to be very willing to leave his wife and go to his family in India.

      I don’t think it’s an ‘ego’ issue either (there’s no such thing as ‘male ego’)–I don’t remotely think the guy’s a type A, go getter type. If anything, the LW is the go getter who managed to switch jobs, manage a diverse social circle, all the while supporting her husband. Not only has she switched jobs, she seems to be actively looking for jobs for him, while he’s not doing anything.

      There’s only so much someone can do in a situation. If he’s not willing to help himself, then there’s nothing she can do. I definitely don’t think the onus is on her to ‘give in’ to save the marriage. It’s his turn.

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      • I agree with this one. The pattern of his attitude and behaviour points towards depression. He doesn’t have a job, he is the butt of jokes among his ‘friends’ and he turns into a social shut-in. I think therapy is in order and if that still doesn’t resolve the issues – splitsie. I don’t see why the OP has to have her life bogged down by him (which in an uncanny way, he figured out too).

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  14. “My husband and I have been living in an open European country for the past few years now and we (rather me more) had been trying to get a local job just to gain more security and employment privileges that usually Indian IT companies cannot offer.”

    Poor victim of patriarchy starts by passing 3 final judgments:

    1. Europe is “open”, India is “closed”.
    2. I am trying harder than my partner to find a local job
    3. Indian companies cannot offer opportunities.

    How about we rewrite this post from the husband’s point of view?

    My wife and I have been living in an Eurozone crisis stuck country for the last few years and now I am no longer interested in this place because I want a job in India where we have an IT industry growing at 8% and I automatically have all kinds of political and economic rights.

    My project here is ending soon and my wife is vigorously pressurizing me to obtain a new job here. At first I thought both of us wanted the same thing but she seems to be drifting now. I want to join the rest of my family back in India, while she wants me to stay back even if it means me becoming unemployed and putting my career on hold. She prefers me ending my career to her seeking career opportunities in India.

    While my wife has a friend circle here of people both Indian and local, I feel like a misfit here.
    This kind of isolation makes me suffer emotionally as well as limits my career opportunities. But she doesn’t seem to care. She demands that I fit in with her friends.

    Ours was a love marriage but it seems like we don’t know each other any more. I used to think that she and my parents were all part of my family, but suddenly she is demanding that she should be the only family I am allowed to have.

    We thought we would face the situation together. But suddenly she feels that me having a job or career is irrelevant as she makes enough to support both of us.

    I never get such hypocrisy and idiocy citing as excuse feminism and female empowerment. F*ck the rules and f*ck people who abide by these (sorry for my language).

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    • You make a lot of assumptions here, abhishek.
      There are many reasons why someone would choose not to live in India. Despite India having a high growth rate, salaries are low, and the cost of living relative to the salary is high. Some people prefer to live in other countries because on a whole life is easier there. In any case, whether Indian companies offer opportunities is neither here nor there.
      She is well within her rights to ask him to consider her point of view. She has a thriving career, lots of friends and obviously enjoys it in Europe. It is sad that he lost his job and she should obviously consider his point of view but at the end of the day if it was the woman who was losing her job I can predict that most people would see no issue with her ring unemployed. I do agree that both of them should sit down together and communicate:they obviously want very different things. But your assumption that the wife is at fault for not wanting to leave a comfortable life is quite unfair to the writer.
      Another thing: when you get married it is assumed that your spouse is now the most important person in your life. So obviously he should consider her wishes before the wishes of his parents.
      I think this is quite a tricky situation nd they should sit down and have a long talk about this. There is no “right” answer, so to speak: one of them is going to have to compromise. But it is unfair to automatically expect the woman to do so.

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      • Really? The wife has a “thriving career” in Europe? Didn’t she admit she had to run from pillar to post just to find a job…any job…any how that would let her live in the country? Is that an example of a professional with a “thriving career”? Sounds pretty low end to me.

        Are you telling me the wife quitting her low end job in Europe and taking up a similar or better job India is a bigger sacrifice than asking her husband to end his career and stay with her in Europe…only until her next project expires of course…and then they are both on the streets scavenging for jobs and visas?

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        • Okay, a) how do you know her job in Europe is a low end job. People in good jobs may change jobs too you know.
          B)how dyou know she will get a better job in india.
          C)I’m not saying anything of the sort. I’m saying that it’s a decision for them to make, it’s a difficult decision, and I object to the way you’ve automatically told the woman to adjust.

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    • “I used to think that she and my parents were all part of my family, but suddenly she is demanding that she should be the only family I am allowed to have.”

      With comments like these, I wonder if the poster is a troll or an actual commenter who isn’t just trying to get on people’s nerves.

      No where does it say that the dude’s career is over. In fact, she seems to be more than willing to work and support them while he earns his Masters degree–which, if anything, will advance his career. He can always actively look for a job but he is CHOOSING not to do so(he is currently employed). You make it sound like he’s stopped working for a long enough time period that is detrimental to his career.

      After you’re an adult and you’re married, your parents are part of your extended family. Notice how she’s a grown up and doesn’t even bring up her own parents in this letter? It’s because they’re irrelevant to the situation at hand. The way I see it, the marriage is only going to work if he puts in the same amount of effort that she has.

      And as a non-Indian living in India, I can definitely understand why people would want to move out and stay out. It’s not an easy country to live in–and I say this even though my life is quite luxurious here.

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      • Yes! India is not an easy country to live in. Yet the population refuses to go down.😀
        Apart from inhabiting a highly fertile population😀, we have many legal & illegal immigrants thronging in who refuse to leave and NRI’s rushing back. There must be something!🙂

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        • It’s a give and take ( like anywhere else). But I find that the downsides and plus sides here are a bit extreme!

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      • How come no one else here sees that the woman is demanding her husband essentially END his career and stay with her?

        On the contrary, the husband only wants them to move to India where presumably BOTH would have careers.

        The wife talks of her husband as if his dreams dont matter: the dude is lazy anyway…isn’t really looking for a job like she did…he can always study for a masters and hang in there….yada yada yada…his career, his job is all disposable and irrelevant.

        Oh…and that part about spouse not being the only important family got on your nerves? GOOD! Anyone else noticed how she seems to feel her friends… her “local friends” in Europe (oooo…… white people with their godlike aura) are more important to her than her husband?

        People here seem so focused on gender vendetta that they are ignoring the case at hand. Is it this husband’s fault that millions of men in the current and previous generations have trampled on womens’ dreams? It’s as if you people want him to end his career as atonement for the sins of others.

        Oh…and finally with regard to your polite and considerate comments about my country sucks, all I can say is: I wish you a wonderful and very happy stay in India. You are cordially welcome to our country.

        I dont know about which great nation you are from, but when I visit someone else’s house, I usually try to avoid spitting in their face.

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        • “I dont know about which great nation you are from, but when I visit someone else’s house, I usually try to avoid spitting in their face.”

          This is pretty much a troll who seems to be buying lines from bollywood movies.

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        • One person has a job and a settled life abroad; the other person is about to lose a job. Instead of searching for other opportunities, the second person is asking the first person to give up everything, uproot her entire life that she has built up (which she is naturally reluctant to do), leave the country and come back to India where NEITHER of them have jobs…and you accuse HER of playing with HIS career??? It’s a turvy-topsy world!!

          I don’t understand where you get the impression that the wife is asking her husband to give up on his dreams…she instead seems to be frustrated that he looks to have already given up on his dreams and just wants to go back…!

          Also, their reasons for wanting / not wanting to come back does not appear to be just financial…In Europe, both of them will have freedom to be who they are. In India, only one of them will have that freedom…To you and me, it may not seem that big because we are mostly born with that freedom and we’ve never existed without it. I don’t think she sees it the same way.

          Yes, the husband’s situation also deserves sympathy and yes, we only know one side of the story. You are not completely wrong when you say that if the husband definitely has no career in Europe, then moving back to India might need to be an option to be discussed seriously. But how does he know that he has no career in Europe, given that he seems to have not even tried (and is not willing to try either)? This seems to point to some other issue entirely.

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    • Here are some reasons why a woman working in Europe may not want to move back to India –
      – She can’t wear what she wants. If she wears shorts to jog, she is “inviting male attention”.
      – She can’t go to a shopping mall without being pinched, grabbed, or touched in some way.
      – She can’t go to a theatre alone.
      – She won’t be taken seriously at a government office, if she’s dealing with a problem with some paperwork. She will be expected to have a man on her side doing the talking.
      – At the same office, if she is politely firm, it will get her nowhere. She will need to shout/yell, get scruffy, and do other ‘manly’ things to be heard. Or offer bribes.
      – If she is the victim of a crime, she can’t go to the police station by herself. Even when accompanied by a male, she will not be taken seriously.
      – God forbid if she has to deal with the courts or anything remotely legal.
      – During family gatherings, the entire extended family will divvie up into 2 groups, men and women. The women will be expected to cook and serve the men, while the men remain deeply engaged in discussing important matters such as our stupid politicians. If a woman has the cheek to something to say on this matter, people will stare her down for expressing, no having, an opinion.

      A woman can have 100s of reasons to hesitate to move back to India. Yes, you can make lots of money and have lots of servants. It’s not about the things money can buy. It’s about the things money CAN’T buy.

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      • Anyone wants to count the reasons an educated husband might have for not wanting to end his career and stay home unemployed?

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        • Omg you’re really annoying. She wants him to look for a new job. She doesn’t want him to stay at home and be unemployed. She wants him to do his masters. Ow can you not get that????

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      • This is an unfair assessment of the OP’s situation, wordssetmefree: The couple were living in India, and that was their vision of life. This is a bit clearer when the OP points out the husband feels like a misfit in Europe. Now, after living in Europe a bit, the wife’s vision of life has changed, and the husband is feeling forced to live her vision of life. She’s appears to be adding pressure, and he’s clearly not okay talking to her about what he thinks.

        I’m going to be daring, very disrespectful and say: If the roles were reversed, it would be a case of the woman being denied her rights in a relationship.

        One person’s vision of life changed, and another’s remains the same as thought of during marriage. I’d really lean a bit more towards the husband, really, if the relationship needs to be saved.

        This holds true for any other argument, really. There are some

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  15. “One thing i know for sure that if we stay separate even for a few months our relationship will not survive.”

    After reading this particular line, it seems that the problem is much more deep-rooted than some job insecurity issues or temporary depression. Any relationship that can’t stand the test of distance/separation was never strong enough. It appears that he wants to move away to a place where he thinks he belongs or feels secured. Whereas you want to stay in Europe because it’s the ideal place for you considering job, friends, opportunity or general environment. It must be really hard for you to come to terms with it. In order to save the relationship, the situation demands either of you to make a huge sacrifice, which isn’t fair at all to both of you. And also it doesn’t guarantees that the relationship will survive even after the sacrifice.
    Both of you are right in your own ways. But maybe you guys need to stay apart for a while until you both (especially your husband because you are quite clear that you want to stay with him) figure out whether happiness lies in being together or breaking up and pursuing individual goals. As he is going through a lot, I guess he needs a breathing space for at least some time, away from people who make fun him, away from the country he is fed up of, away from a place where he can’t seem to find a suitable job. He just needs time to clear his head. Though you are trying to help him by asking him to stay in Europe and trying to find a job but maybe inadvertently that is adding to his pressure. Let him go. If your relationship is strong enough, he will come back to you or he will figure out some solution to stay together. It will also give you time to ponder over your relationship because tough situations like this are going to be many in a marriage, though in different shapes. You will have to figure out whether you have the ability to support him lifelong or have you guys grown apart or was it too soon to get married without knowing him too well.

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  16. feminists who keep making post after post on how important their careers are and how proud they feel about their professional achievements are now asking the husband to “man up” . a big lol at the hypocrisy.

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  17. Probably your husband would feel more inclined to stay on the European country if he found a job. I am not sure if it has anything to do with him being male. After being independent and earning my own keep since I finished college, I don’t think I would feel too good about myself if I was forced to be dependent on someone else (irrespective of whether that someone was my spouse or my parents or anyone else). The key here being “forced” – I would be more than happy to pile onto someone else if I made the decision voluntarily🙂.

    My husband and I were in this situation where he could not work due to visa restrictions and had to become my dependent. We knew this was a possibility when we moved to the other country and thought we were equipped to face it. Still, when it actually turned out that my husband couldn’t work, he became stressed and unhappy. Not all the time – but I could tell. This, in spite of the fact that it was always “our money” and I was very supportive about his situation. It might have been just the self-imposed feeling of being a dead weight or the collective stress of everyone (well-wisher or not) inquiring when he was going to start working.

    Anyway, the net result was, a year later, he fell sick due to excessive stress – there was no physical explanation for his illness. So, in spite of liking our life in the new country and not being in any kind of financial difficulty, him not working was a major impediment to his well-being.

    What I am trying to say is, maybe for your husband, working is a big part of defining who he is and not just a way of taking care of financial considerations.

    Maybe you both can decide to give yourselves a time limit up to which he will hunt for a new job (sincerely – not just for show). Basically, have a concrete plan of action about the near future inclusive of worst-case scenarios so both of you will have a feeling of control.

    If things don’t get better, maybe he can go for counseling – hearing the views of a neutral observer might make him realize that being jobless temporarily is not as shameful and horrible as his friends make it out to be.

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  18. I have something to share with respect to male ego thing:

    I know a guy, lets call him M, who was not in good financial position. He needed help. He was in a relationship. The girl (R) helped him . ( She was in a far better financial situation). M repaid everything in time bound fashion.

    But the girl could not restore confidence in him for financial security ever again. At the back of her mind she thought of him as a failure (financially). Even after couple of years he was earning more then her dint make any thing right.

    When she offered to help, she was a modern girl with modern mindset which does not say man cant be dependent on woman.

    but It was never same for this couple. They never been couple again.

    What did you guys think of it?

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  19. We can debate for hours about what is good and bad about living in India or Europe. The fact remains that:
    – Even if India was the best country in the world, the LW has every right to still decide and live in Europe because she likes it there. None of us has the right to tell her to move back to India for the sake of her husband.

    – Similarly even if India was the worst country in the world, the LW’s husband has every right to still decide and move back to India because he likes it there. None of us has the right to tell him to stick to Europe for the sake of his wife.

    That’s why they need to go separate ways (after giving another shot to getting a suitable job)…maybe just for a temporary period and figure out themselves.

    Like

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