Sharing priya’s comment to this email by Troubled, “I find it very hard to forgive my husband for all that happened at the time of my delivery.”
Why do you think you feel resentful? I know that when people don’t fully validate what I felt, when they don’t acknowledge my pain, and they put too much emphasis on ‘moving on’, then I continue to feel resentful.
When someone’s ‘sorry’ is more to get away from their negative feelings (guilt) rather than a true sorry (I wish I hadn’t done that – I see now how what I did hurt your feelings), I feel resentful.
I need closure before I can move on. I need that someone who hurt me to acknowledge what I felt in that moment.
Whole hearted validation is the most powerful tool in healing hurt feelings. Perhaps the discussion you and your husband had dwelt too much on ‘looking ahead’ and ‘problem solving’ as opposed to simply acknowledging. Your husband sounds like a good person. But we all find it hard to deal with someone’s pain – we all say things like “It’s okay” (it’s NOT okay!). “Don’t cry.” (Why not?!). “Let’s make things better.” (That’s not the point!)” Instead we should be saying, “Let it all out. I’ll be here for you. I promise.”
Tell your husband how you feel. Tell him what you went through before and how it hurt. Don’t blame him (avoid ‘because you did this’). Use a lot of I-statements. (I felt isolated. I felt undermined in my mothering capabilities. I felt stressed trying to settle disputes between our parents. I felt cheated out of my happy time with my baby.) Notice how none of them point the finger at him, and bring the focus back to you. So rather than being defensive, he will truly understand what it was like for you. So that when he does say sorry, he will really mean ‘I wish that didn’t happen – I’m sorry you had to go through that.’.
If you have a genuine talk and he truly understands and validates how you feel, you feel a weight lifting from your chest. Both you and your husband will be free of the past and this experience will make you closer.