Sharing an email.
Good evening and greetings from the eastern part of the United States! I am a young woman in my 20s currently living in the US.
ne email you posted is an issue I have been struggling with for the past 8 months and really resonates with me. It’s a topic I fail to understand, and no family or friend of mine can really offer me any sound advice or reasonable answers. The post from December 7, 2011 which you received from another American woman titled: “Is it fair for parents to say that their happiness depends on who their kids marry?” is a very similar situation I have just recently gone through.
I am a Caucasian-American and had been dating an Indian man (Brahmin) for about two years. He was the one who pursued me 2 years ago; I did not pursue him, but once I got to know him, I genuinely started to like him a lot. He never led me to believe that he wasn’t truly “committed” to me or that our relationship was only “temporary.” he had been with my family on several occasions. We got along well, but in the back of my mind, I wondered what would come to be.
We had briefly talked about 3 or 4 times about his parents and how them getting to accept me would be “his problem” and no-one would ever influence “his” decision. He admitted it would be a “mountainous task,” but always said he would take care of it. Back in the summer when I indirectly gave him an ultimatum, (we would still be together going nowhere otherwise) he chose to end it with me because his parents would never accept me and he could never been happy if his parents were unhappy, which he claims would lead him to have a grudge on me. He tried talking to a family member about the situation, but even they said that he needs to make the parents happy, and that he could learn to love in an arranged marriage. As far as I know, a few months after we broke up, he tried explaining the situation to his parents, but only using hypotheticals, like “what if I did this? or what if I did that?” (not real situation or real people) and when he did, they threatened to disown him and panicked, and frantically tried to get him married off. He did not have a heart for me, did not fight for me, and only cared about the happiness of his parents. Sometimes he expressed sadness, and sometimes he seemed as though he couldn’t care less and have moved along just fine.
Now, my question is, did this guy ever truly care for me, is it truly that he can’t “shatter” his parents heart, is he just a loser/coward who can’t be bothered with doing the work associated with being with me, or, did maybe he need an excuse to end it because, after all, he took pride in his Brahmin beliefs and maybe did not want to see that tradition partially end with an American wife? (After all, I am not vegetarian, and he was a very strict one.) If it is the 3rd one, is it safe to assume he loved his culture and tradition more than me? It may be so. He is not yet married, but the pressure to do so started 4-5 years ago, before I knew him. His mother has been hounding him non-stop since to get married. Is he really so concerned about her happiness? If so, why didn’t he give in to her 5 years ago when all this nonsense started? It seems a little sick that he is expected to sacrifice his life-long happiness, and is it me, or is he willing to do so? Does the control ever stop? I suppose only if the sons let it.