I always wanted to write to you – but have been putting it off. But now I cannot go on anymore, trying to brush it under the carpet.
I am writing to you for my BFF-she is caught in a situation and just does not know how to tackle this and needs some help. I request you to publish this on your blog so that I can show her all the advice/comments that get posted.
My BFF-lets call her X. She had a love marriage, and she just completed her 9th W.A. They are both Hindus, but of diff backgrounds, language and culture. Let me also mention here, that both of them had a past-she had an abusive boyfriend, a relationship that lasted for a few years and he (let’s call him Y) had a gf, but they decided to part ways. We 3 worked in the same firm and so I know both of them very well. When X was going through tough times with her BF, it was Y who was there to support and help her. In the course of time, after her break up, they both became very close and fell in love with each other. They had to fight to convince their folks, who eventually agreed for their wedding, though not whole heartedly.
Their life started off like any normal couple in love. They moved to another city and all was well. She got pregnant in a few months. Then it all started…small fights, he would go out with friends for drinks on the weekend, leaving his pregnant wife all alone. He would come home drunk and then hit her for calling him so many times to ask when he is coming home!!! Working for an MNC, coming home late, being pregnant, she wouldn’t be able to cook most of the time-he would get angry with her saying things like “you wanted to live separately, I don’t even get proper food, you separated me from my mother and family” etc etc. For every fight he started using the “Divorce” word. he even hit her one so badly–that her mouth got cut.
Next day would be a normal day and if she starts the conversation about why he behaved that way and hit her, his reply always would be “you are the cause for it. you deserve it. you instigated me”. Her world first crashed when he told her “Now I know why your ex would have also hit you. You are the cause for bringing all this on yourself”. In his anger he uses all kinds of words on her. “B” words are all so common when he shouts at her.
The first mistake that she did–which she repents to this day..is not reporting his abusive nature in the beginning itself to family and telling them about it. She did not want to hear “I told u so, we told you we don’t agree for this marriage”. She does not have a father and is the only child. Her mother is very orthodox and will not support her, instead will just blame her and tell her to adjust for the sake of society. This has become an advantage for Y, because he knows that there is no one to support her.
Years passed by, alternating with normal days and violence. They moved back to their hometown after their son was born and live with his parents. She started doing very well in her work and now both of them are in the same position in an MNC Bank. He cannot stand that and feels insecure. He does not like her spending on clothes, going to the parlour, going out with her friends. But he will buy all branded clothes, a fancy car, go out with friends–basically he can do anything he wants. He accuses her of not teaching their son any values or not taking time for him, but going out with friends. This is not true, because X adores her son. She spends all of her free time with him and takes him along even when she goes to meet her friends.
According to her, being in this position “I need to dress well, I need to carry myself well”. But according to him she is wasting money on clothes, showing off, wants everyone to compliment you, that’s why you want to upload your pics on FB! He puts her down saying things like “I taught you the nuances of how to handle your team, how to solve things, without me you would be nowhere”. She does agree to him being her mentor, but her promotions are because of her hard work and because she deserved/earned it. He has even agreed to being insecure and jealous during their fights.
As their life was going on-this incident happened and now her life has become worse. She met her school friend (Mr.Z) after many many years – he had come down to India and school friends had a re-union. Meeting up after a long time, they kept in touch and she realized what a friendly, emotionally strong and a good person he had grown into. Though there was no comparing, she realized how different another man can be from her own once in love turned abusive husband. She got carried away, swayed momentarily and in that confusion got him a very expensive gadget as a gift. That was her mistake! But she came out of the cloud and decided it was not right and sold off the gift. She realized that she ought to stop her thoughts — she knew she has a family and should not entertain any thoughts of comparison and spoil this friend’s life and her’s. This Mr.Z her friend does not even know about her momentary feelings.
Her husband got to know about this, (he was stealthily checking her account-and she does not know how) and confronted her about the gift. She did not lie, and came out with the truth that she did start having fleeting feelings for this friend and that’s why she bought the gift, and that she realised her mistake and decided to put a stop. This was about 2 years ago.
Now for the last 2 years, her life has gone from bad to worse. There are fights every other day, he suspects her, and tortures her verbally, mentally and physically. He even calls her the P word. She has apologized many times and told him that her family comes first and that she would never do anything to jeopardize that. But, nothing seems to convince him. Some days everything is very normal and they even have sex! Other days he calls her a “P”, beats her, tells her that he can’t trust her anymore. He does not realize that it was because of him that her mind wavered. It was because he was not being a good husband/friend/support that her mind had thoughts of another person who had all these qualities. He was the one who pushed her.
One day in-between their fight, he went into the hall, called his parents and just blurted out to them “she had an affair. I don’t want to live with her”. He even went the next day and told her mother all about it, and her mother instead of trying to find out what happened and offer a shoulder to her daughter, fell at his feet asking to forgive her and not ruin her life!! He now threatens her with divorce and that he will ensure full custody of their son and ensure that she is embarrassed in court and will not allow her to even see her son. This has been a big shock to her and she cannot imagine a life without her son.
Now after these 2 years, after all this torture-she is emotionally drained and all the love she had for her husband has just evaporated. She continues to live in the same house, just for her son. She does not want a divorce because she feels her son needs both parents. Y is very affectionate towards his son and is a good father. X is just living the life of a zombie, acting in front of her mother, friends and colleagues as though they are a happily married couple. Now even her tears have dried up when he abuses her.
She says “just for a few days of fights and torture in a month, how can I leave this life? I have no support and I don’t know what to do. I want my son to have both his parents”.
I have advised her enough that she needs to get out of this relationship and live by herself. That if it goes to court, she should also fight it out and obtain custody of her son. She is educated, has a good job–but still does not have the courage to walk out. This is the case of every woman in India. Fear of the society, fear of no support, fear of the future.
But all these years she has not been taking things lightly either. She has also fought back, tried to explain things when she is not at fault and when she did do something wrong. Y has never ever apologized, even once for all that he has done to her till date. He will not listen to anyone, he will never go with her for counselling. I have thought many times to call and talk to him–but that would only make matters worse for my friend. I have advised her to go for counselling at least by herself-so that it’s a start to get some help. His father expired last year and that has made him more stronger. His father used to support X at times, when Y used to beat her. His mother has never accepted X whole-heartedly and she suspects that in their earlier days her MIL used to poison Y’s ears saying things like-she is not a good DIL, she is head-strong because she’s working, she will leave you one day types. She believes this, as some stuff like this has come out in their conversations during their fights.
Y maintains a diary for his son, he jots down his thoughts and incidents, so that his son can read them later. Once during a fight he took the diary and wrote all bad things about X, things like “your mother has an affair, she is cheating me, she is not a good mother to you, etc etc”. All this in a diary being maintained for a 8yr old!!!!
Even now, the sex that they have, she feels is his way of proving to her that he has the RIGHT OVER HER. She has also asked him to his face “You call me a “P”, u don’t trust me, then how can u have sex with me”, to which he has never answered her. When they go out to restaurants, she can feel his gaze on her trying to see if she is looking at any other man!!! She cannot take it any more–but just does not know what to do. She does not even have the right to her own body-to tell him that she does not want it. How can she enjoy sex when she is mentally disturbed???
Above all this, she feels sad for her husband. She understand he is insecure and all this stems from that feeling. Since I also know Y for so many years, I can say that otherwise he is a nice guy. Very jovial, helpful, funny, responsible and loves to enjoy life. But I can’t understand how he becomes another person altogether when he is drunk/angry. It’s like he is 2 diff people!!! I can even say that no one would believe X, if she brought this out among their friend circle. She prays God would show her a way and God will set things right for her.
I am not blaming only Y here. X too is to blame at times. She is short tempered, has fought with him on many issues. She has also been the reason for few of their fights, arguing for silly things..which in his words “she has instigated him”. I mention this as my BFF wanted me to clear the air that she is no saint. She has had her share of fights too. But I want to point out, that this does not make Y right in physically and mentally abusing her.
I would be very grateful if you could publish this mail so that she gets some advice and support. She does not know how to tackle things at home and does not know what else she needs to do.
Closing that chapter – just as if nothing happened – Careless Chronicles