She doesn’t feel any attraction or liking or even friendliness for the guy. No ‘Connection’.

Sharing an email.
Dear IHM,

I’m mailing you with a lot of confusion in my mind and i hope to find a way through you,your blog and everyone’s advice based on their experiences with arranged marriage.
To cut a long story short, these are the pointers :
– My sister is 29 yrs old (30 in a few months), she stays with my parents, is well-qualified and has a job of her own. We are 2 sisters and we are proud of our parents the way they have brought us up. There has never been the feeling that there is no boy/son in the family.
– After long yrs of trial and errors finally there is this match. The boy’s family came, saw, and approved and the engagement was done in a day’s time.
– All is fine with the boy’s family and the boy himself is well-qualified and broad-minded.
– The problem is he is not ‘good-looking’ and most importantly my sister doesn’t feel free with him.
That may be understandable in an arranged marriage and so she has given her best efforts like talking to him, getting to know him etc. But even after 2 months now she doesn’t feel any attraction or liking or even friendliness for the guy. No ‘Connection’.
Now everyone in the family (joint family) is happy. Dates have been final and halls booked. Both families happy. The boy happy. But THE GIRL IS NOT HAPPY.
I believe that no one lives your life and in a marriage its important for both of them to feel some common ground and connected in some way. Mine is a love marriage. Though I don’t know how much difference that makes to ‘Marriage’ in itself because love or arranged it is the understanding and trust and friendship that is most vital.
Now my sister has shared her concerns with me. And all I want is her to be happy.
Please tell me what should be done in such a situation when everyone is happy and into the marriage except the girl.
She is not able to cope with his looks or his nature. The boy has a leg-pulling type jovial nature and his every response has a taunting undertone to it.
My sister feels tensed to talk to him. She feels ‘suffocated’ in this match.
She is not able to reach him/communicate to him/ be free with him. The boy on the other hand is very happy to have a beautiful wife but is concerned that he hasn’t seen any change in her wrt closeness or proximity.
He expects a kiss where as my sister can’t even think of spending time with him. That is the situation.
The concerns are :
The family is too much involved now. The boy is attached too.
If my sister backs out now :
– it would hurt the guy ( when she voiced her concerns in a subtle way he asked why did u get engaged then; but actually that was a quick decision bcz the boy had to move out and also every1 thought they would gel up well with time. Everyone did EXCEPT HER.)
– the family’s reputation is at stake. But we are mostly worried for our parents. With younger cousins getting married off and the probability of finding a right partner for my sister seeming less day by day.
– My sister is like she has been trying to give this relationship her best thinking that this is her only option and shaadi karni hi hai to kisise se bhi sahi.
( Lifestyle wise: my sister is veg and the boy non-veg. The boy drinks/smokes and my sister can’t even stand the smell of it)
Inspite of all this she has been trying to gel with the boy/ find a connection but she doesn’t feel anything for him.
I just want to know is this reason enough to call off a marriage ?
What should I advise her ?
Go ahead inspite of ur wishes, and give it some more time ( maybe get divorced after a year if things don’t work out ??? that’s really an option ??? ) for the sake  of the family. (Everyone is happy and satisfied and convinced about the match)
Or forget about everything else and take your stand and be prepared to face your life on your own. (maybe the chances of never getting married at all. I understand marriage doesn’t define someone’s life but there are obviously certain level of happiness and fulfillment that comes along with it and especially when the girl is keen on getting married. She wants to and dreams of having a sweet little happy family of her own like any other girl.)
Honestly, the second option feels right but is easier said than done.
Please help me help her. For me her happiness is most important.
Are such feelings common in arranged marriage and hence should we overlook it thinking that all would be fine after marriage etc etc. or should we respect her feelings and let her enter the uncertain world again where she may have to live her whole life alone.
I’m sure given our society,for a boy it doesn’t even take so much of a thought.
Thanks IHM and everyone who has taken time to read this and help us out. Thanks a lot.
Wishing you all love, light and peace.

55 thoughts on “She doesn’t feel any attraction or liking or even friendliness for the guy. No ‘Connection’.

  1. WOW…. It felt like deja vu reading all this.

    I guess she should either give it some time… an extended engagement or break it off. If you think the guy would be hurt with the broken engagement, imagine his pain of loving and being married to a woman who can’t reciprocate? In the long run, it’s better for him too as it gives him a chance of finding someone who loves HIM.

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    • Btw, the expectations from the love a woman is supposed to feel for her husband are tremendous and ridiculous in an arranged marriage. You are supposed to feel things for a stranger in an instant what will take months/years to develop.

      So, if she doesn’t love the guy, then she can expect harassment from her in laws on that count too. It’s OK if the guy doesn’t shower her with love, but she will definitely be expected to.

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      • Also, in an arranged marriage, the woman is expected to do all the heavylifting. Besides adjusting to a new environment, family and lifestyle, SHE is expected to tune in to her husband’s emotional make-up and act like he is her sun and moon.

        The husband will probably expect unfailing wifely affection from the wedding night onwards, and will be hurt if he senses that the wife is still learning her way around him.

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  2. From everything you write, it sounds as if you know the answer already, but want some support for a difficult decision.

    Offcourse it is enough of a reason to cancel an engagement. It is true that this will make some people unhappy, but a unhappy marriage perhaps consisting of years of misery followed by a divorce is certainly no better.

    By marrying someone she clearly does not love, and infact does not even seem to like, she would be doing nobody a favor, not even the man involved, as he too surely would prefer a wife that truly loves him, rather than marry him out of some sort of feeling of duty.

    The truth is best. Tell the man what we’ve just been told: that despite a period of trying to get to know him and find a connection, it has not worked out. Wish him luck with finding the right woman for him, and carry on with life. It’s much better to be single, than to be married to a person you’re not getting along well with.

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  3. She should leave him so that the boy can find someone who can be attracted to his looks and his nature. She is cheating him if she goes ahead with the marriage. How can you start of a marriage with a lie?

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    • Anon, I think, in traditional arranged marriages, a woman is expected to be content with the husband’s approval. A woman finding the husband attractive is not seen as relevant. So long as she was obedient, dutiful, chaste, kept the husband happy, looked after him and his family, brought dowry, provided male heirs and generally did as she was told – traditionally nobody really cared whether she found the husband attractive or not. A woman’s consent, wish for ‘connection’, attraction or chemistry are seen as modern and frivolous ideas.

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  4. I don’t think she should go ahead with the marriage at this point. Granted, her decision is going to cause some grief to the family but that grief will be way less painful than what they will go thru if this marriage ends up in a divorce. If she doesn’t feel the connection but feels the guy is nice, she should stay engaged for a little longer and see if they can get that connection. Has she tried talking to the guy and raising her concerns-maybe he is being funny to relax her and maybe he’s also facing the same doubts but trying something different to break the ice? Who knows..but it might help for her to talk to the guy and share her side of the story.

    Either way, she should not be getting married with this mindset. If you’re that concerned about your families reputation on breaking the relationship now, then you can imagine what will happen to that so-called “reputation” if the marriage fails.

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  5. she SHOULD listen to her INSTINCTS. the inner voice guides us . instincts are a very powerful force, specially enhanced in women . this is option one.
    second option- visit a well qualified marriage counsellor and get pre marital counselling.

    but the point i would like to emphasize most upon is – both the boy and the girl are at their best behaviour during the courtship period. if she has no desire to spend time with him right now – it will be worse after marriage.

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  6. Your sister
    Is not physically attracted to him
    Feels tensed with him
    Feels suffocated with him
    Is not ok with his sense of humour
    Feels taunted
    Is not comfortable with his lifestyle
    Feels no connection with him
    Feels no liking even after trying best for two months

    Why exactly is she even looking to marry him?
    What will she gain out of this relation ? What would the boy gain ?

    This marriage , if it happens, is a recipe for disaster. Today your sister cannot even reciprocate his kiss. After marriage he will expect sex. How will your sister reciprocate that ?

    Break off this marriage. In short term it will lead to lot of trouble. But it is the only way to save fu ture troubles which will be lot more painful.

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  7. Your sister
    Is not physically attracted to him
    Feels tensed with him
    Feels suffocated with him
    Is not ok with his sense of humour
    Feels taunted
    Is not comfortable with his lifestyle
    Feels no connection with him
    Feels no liking even after trying best for two months

    Why exactly is she even looking to marry him?
    What will she gain out of this relation ? What would the boy gain ?

    This marriage , if it happens, is a recipe for disaster. Today your sister cannot even reciprocate his kiss. After marriage he will expect sex. How will your sister reciprocate that ?

    Break off this marriage. In short term it will lead to lot of trouble. But it is the only way to save fu ture troubles which will be lot more painful.

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  8. This is a marriage we’re talking about – a lifetime commitment. Its better to stay single than to marry with reservations, especially those pertaining to basic nature of the two people involved. Families and relatives may be shocked initially, but i’m sure they would rather deal with temporary letdown as compared to seeing her unhappy with a man she doesn’t feel anything for.

    Please tell her to opt out, before its too late. There will be others. And even if there aren’t. like I said, its better to be single than to be in the wrong marriage.

    Besides, its unfair to the man too, if she marries him without really wanting to.

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  9. If she doesn’t feel any attraction for him then surely this is not the right(ripe) time to marry.If she is not very sure that she would ever feel anything for him or not then she should give it some more time and effort . Feelings may change. I would not so much worry about the ‘looks’ part but if she feels tensed talking to him and can’t take his leg pulling in her stride or if it doesnot feel like a friendly banter but taunts then probably she is not his type and the vice versa. Leg pulling can be a fun , enjoyable part of a relationship and builds bond but if it is not enjoyble to the other person then probably they are not compatible in this matter (Assuming that its the jovial leg pulling we are talking about as taunting kinds are not compatible to anyone ,anyway). Its best to not marry in haste and repent for a life time.
    Its in the guy’s interest too.

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  10. In my experience, even fairly liberal Indian parents don’t understand how crucial sexual attraction is to marriage. I bet we’ve all seen Indian couples who have a decent, friendly relationship, yet it’s clear that there was never any kind of physical spark between them.

    I was once in the same boat as the OP’s sister. My parents tried to fix me up with a guy who I just wasn’t physically attracted to. We didn’t have the sort of personality mismatch that the OP’s sister had with her fiance, we were actually compatible in a lot of ways, but I just couldn’t imagine being physically intimate with him. I thought about going through with it, but I concluded that I’d be wronging both myself and him. He was a good guy, so he deserved the chance to find a wife who was genuinely attracted to him.

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  11. When you want to marry someone be it arranged or love, you need to atleast LIKE the other person. If your sister doesn’t find even a few good qualities in the boy then why will she marry him at all? I don’t think trying for a year and getting divorced later makes any sense.

    The best thing would be to talk to your parents and reconsider this marriage. It’s already been 2 months since the engagement and if she doesn’t like him yet, she would probably never like him.

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  12. Marriage is between two people and unless they are happy with each other there is no point getting married. Please back off now, rather than going through unnecessary stress and divorce later on. Let your sister marry when she find someone she likes. Age and family should not be the reason to marry. Hoping your sister takes a sensible decision. Good luck.

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  13. I think she should call off the engagement now. If you are concerned about her finding a suitable match and for your parents , imagine how much harder it would be for them if she were to not be happy in this relationship and will have to divorce after 1 year.

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  14. I think you know the answer. Here are the options you just described:

    1) Break off the engagement. Sure, some people will be disappointed.. but in my experience people get over engagements. It is kind of like cutting your losses when you know something doesn’t work. There’s a good chance the girl will find another guy too. Or live a fulfilling life doing something else. I would say there will some immediate discomfort but the chance of a good result = relatively high.

    There is a small chance she may stay single forever and always remain miserable, so this risk is relatively low.

    2) Get married even though she almost seems repulsed by him by your description. She is 29 so she probably knows her mind by now and he will be expecting a lot more than a kiss. So she will either be in a marriage where her husband repulses her which will make everyone miserable. Or they will get divorced (possibly might have a child by then) which is lot harder than getting over a broken engagement. So even though she won’t have to face the issues immediately now, the chance of a bad result = relatively high.

    There is a small chance that she will have a complete change of heart and love her husband (has this happened to anyone who started with being repulsed by their partner?).

    I think it’s pretty clear what she should do. Option 1 has a high chance of leading to a good result and option 2 has a high chance of leading to a bad result. Both mean she’ll have to put up with some issues, but they are minimised in option 2 and option 1 delays them but also exaggerates them.

    By the way I have a cousin who broke off an arranged engagement at 28 years of age for the same reason. We were not disappointed and her parents supported her.. the general feeling being ‘disaster averted’. She then fond a great guy on her own and is very happily married at 30 now.

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  15. Break it off. If there is so much hesitation breaking it off after an engagement, imagine how much worse it would be to get out of a bad marriage and get divorced. The stigma of family reputation, etc everything will only exponentially increase.

    Even the people who marry each other out of love find that living together is an entirely different ballgame. It works for some, it doesn’t work for some. My point is that even with starting the marriage at a stage of high respect and love for each other, things can decline rapidly. You don’t see this in India because people decide to live with the unhappy marriages, rather than break away, because of the stigma. Imagine what it would be if she enters this marriage with the feelings she has right now.

    You have the chance now, help her break off the marriage. She is unhappy, period. You cannot force happiness. Respect her wishes and save her from a lifetime of unhappiness.

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  16. Would you have the same reservations about breaking off the marriage if your sister was, say, 23?

    30 is not an marriage expiry age for a woman.

    That said, the arranged marriage “market” doesn’t hold too many options for a woman > 30. She’ll have better luck finding a suitable match on her own.

    I can’t imagine it will be easy trying to have a social life (dating, etc) when living with one’s parents. Is there a chance that she’ll move out on her own? With room mates, and friends, and friends of friends, and colleagues of friends of friends, the chances that she’ll find a person suited to her temperament are much higher.

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  17. There is no point starting a relationship whose existance is doubtful from the very beginning. It is not worth the risk at all. If she goes ahead with it, without her heart’s consent, no matter what others say, how will she be able to live with the guy?
    Even though in India, a marriage is a marriage of families and not individuals, how many of these relatives( for whose happiness she might marry a guy she doesn’t even like ) will support her in case she wishes to give up later on this relationship, later?
    It is better to follow the heart now instead of blindly following what others wish for, and spoiling hers as well the guys life.

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  18. Four people I know have had broken engagements. An uncle (at 30) was told that the girl didn’t feel compatible with him (he was really sad as he had liked the girl a lot), a cousin (28) was told that the girl had finally found the courage to tell her parents about her boyfriend (my cousin was angry that his time was wasted), my sister (28) told the guy she was engaged to that she didn’t feel compatible (the guy’s mother used to call up my mother and cry and ask what was wrong with her son that he was rejected), a cousin (26) had the wedding called off the day before the wedding (when most guests had arrived) when my uncle found out about some major misdeeds of the guy. All involved survived and after the initial few weeks of drama got on with their lives and are now happily married to other people.

    The stigma attached to a broken engagement is much smaller than that of a broken marriage. It will be forgotten very fast. Please support your sister and let her make decisions about her own life.

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  19. I don’t think the would be groom’s less than average looks are to blame here, rather his less than average personality. Jerks are tolerated, but never liked. Someone who has a “taunting undertone” usually thinks of himself as better than the rest. The OP should ask her sister how she would have felt if this guy was kind and compassionate instead of callous and insensitive and if he’d laughed with her instead of her. That way she’s at least be clear on why she finds this man repulsive and in the future will not reject someone will less than stellar looks but perfect otherwise.

    Until this woman resolves this issue, she should not go ahead with the wedding. Getting married just to get divorced in a year is not a very wise decision. Like someone mentioned up thread already, it is cheating if this woman gets married just to get divorced a year later.

    Also, I do not think that this woman has run out of options either. At some point women have to rescue themselves instead of wanting to be rescued. Sure she may kick up a storm, disappoint her parents and become fodder for the neighborhood gossips, but she wouldn’t have to live a lie or even cringe and bear every time her husband tries to get intimate.

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  20. When the person who is getting married is not happy AT ALL. I think it should be pretty apparent what to do. I cannot for the life of me understand what sense it makes to worry about how happy the families are when the people who are actually committing their LIVES to each other aren’t happy.

    Your parents and other family members should share your concerns. You want you sister to be happy, and so should they. It’s cruel for anyone to insist otherwise.

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  21. OMG! This is so deja-vu! My SIL was in the same place not too long ago! Her 2 sisters were happily married and MIL was hounding her to get married to this ‘Right’ guy who had already been introduced to all elders of the family. DH and I are out of the country. SIL tried to appeal to DH for help (politely making excuses for the guy, since she had been brought up to be an obedient DIL) and he too agreed with his mother that they could’t go back since he had me the elders! I said ***, literally. Fews hours with DH and he saw the light (We had married for love and the idea that by same logic, I would have married a family friend and hence wouldn’t be in his life was scary enough, he really loves me my darling!). MIL was called, SIL was asked hesitatingly by DH, outright by me and she confessed that she didn’t want to marry him. DH ruled as the ‘Man of the Family’ that SIL would marry by her choice (When in Rome do as the Romans err… MILs do). Today she is happily married to a man of her choice who feels the same way about her.

    So PLEASE listen to the girl and don’t force her. “There is some one out there for everyone of us!” (Ok I watched DDLJ way to many times, its still playing at Maratha Mandir)

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  22. ” He expects a kiss where as my sister can’t even think of spending time with him. “.
    — good enough reason to break it off.
    — would you guys nd your sister like it if the guy she was panning to marry couldn’t stand her and didn’t want to spend ime with her. Yet decided o o ahead because his family were into the prepaation? No. Then why torment each other.
    No common favors, can’t stand the guy, no attraction, feels suffocated — sometimes I wonder why people get married.
    These two have even less compatibility Han casual friends or room mates.

    What’s there to think about????????? Is there any ther option but to break it off??????

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  23. is she allowed to spend time alone with him? mabye she can tell him her concern and both of them can go out on a date for a day. That way both of them can get to know each other better. I think the main thing is, she has to tell the guy her fellings. she shouldn’t go into marrige without teling the guy the truth. if the guy really cares for her, he will make her comfortable and if he can’t then he is not worth to marry. AFter the date she can decide if she wants to call off the mariage or not. If she gets married then she will feel like this her whole life. she will feel like she has compromised. she will regret this. So thats why, its importatant to call off the marriage or maybe stay engaged for little bit loner. I belive everyone should be given a chance to prove themselves. indian guys are clueless when it comes to making the girl comfortable so maybe it’ll help if she shows her concerns to him.

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  24. Every person deserves a respecting partner, be it a man or a woman. One should not marry a person when they don’t like them. When you like a person their idiosyncrasies become endearing, but when you don’t like him/her then the same behavior can become annoying. For all you know, this guy might be trying really hard to get her approval. In an arranged marriage scenario it is very easy to get wrong ideas about a person. Even that courtship period doesn’t really help much to really get to know a person. I’d say one should really think what they want from a partner before going arranged marriage way and always go with an open mind.
    “Connection” is a very generic term. May be “getting to the specifics” as to why she is feeling no connection with this guy might help?! If it’s just his looks, then she should really ask herself how much appearance matters to her. If it is a big criteria, then after marriage it could go either way. She might like him after marriage, or she may be leaning more towards finding fault with him. If she thinks he is controlling, or he doesn’t care for her feelings, then she should probably back off before it’s too late.
    Perhaps cutting contact with him for few days might help her sort out her feelings.

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  25. I feel she should go with her gut feeling. The best thing to do would be to arrange a personal meeting with the boy and tell him,everything she feels and try to make him realise as well that the marriage has no future. I feel if the boy understands it, this could be done without any further fuss. take care

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  26. You have to remember that isn’t just a “wedding”, but a life time of marriage after that. Whatever she eventually does, she MUST delay the date to buy more time (if it is not an outright no), and try to engage freely with him as an individual NOT necessarily a candidate for marriage.

    I think, if there is even slight discomfort, she should back out, because sometimes we can’t really pin point on what bothers us about a person but our 6th sense knows so warns us but we still go ahead and make mistakes! Better to avoid than regret I’d say. All the best!

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  27. Gut feel. There is a lot to be said for it.

    If the first thing after you wake up in the morning you are reminded of something and that something makes your heart sink, then it is definitely wrong.

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  28. This is to open up the discussion.

    What exactly does your sister mean by “connection”? Was she in a relationship with a man at any point in her life where she felt this connection? Or is this a label based on her perception of what you have with your husband, or what your parents share? How does she expect to feel connected? Sometimes having a real answer to these type of questions helps.
    Physical attraction is very important. But as we all know, we age: boobs sag, paunches stick out and hairlines recede. At that point, connection matters. Repulsion is a strongly negative word to use with someone that you are trying to build a relationship with. It would be worth analyzing what exactly is it that she finds repulsive by understanding what she finds attractive.
    Labels and judgements mean different things to different people, so it would be nice to know if this is what she doesn’t want, then what it is that she would want. And when she answers this, let there be honesty; she shouldn’t judge her choices, if she likes aquiline noses, then that’s just it or if smoking is a no-no, it just is.
    I am writing this from the context that she might be scaling her expectations based on her perceptions, rather than what reality is. Thus, It might be useful for this relationship or the next one, if you can help her explore her expectations fully.

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  29. If I had to give one important piece of advice to a woman (or man) getting married, it would be this: If you feel apprehensive about going ahead with the wedding or with a future with your partner, and yet feel you have to go through it just because “all arrangements have been made” and “everyone is so happy”, you are making a big mistake. It is very tempting to just go ahead and let things happen and it is very difficult to break off an engagement “just because you feel something is not right”. But please don’t ignore this feeling. It will be many times worse after marriage. After all, breaking off an engagement is way better than breaking a marriage.

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  30. Commenting again because earlier comment somehow disappeared into cyberspace:
    For the OP’s sister: Please heed your gut feeling. Don’t go ahead just because “everyone’s so happy” and “all arrangements have been made”. It is very common to feel that your “gut feeling” is not a strong enough reason to break off an engagement when “it’s come so far”. But believe me, it is way easier to break off an engagement than to break a marriage or to endure a bad marriage.

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  31. I had an arranged marriage. When I was about to talk to my wife over a phone for the first time (we did not meet, just exchanged pictures), I was very sure of one thing – If something does not click in this first conversation, it will not work for me. We talked for 30 minutes and then we talked for a month over phone, webcams etc before both of us said yes. During all this time, we never physically met each other because we were in two different countries.
    When we said yes, we were not in love with each other. It was too short a time for that but we immensely enjoyed each other’s company (virtually) and loved to talk.
    So, the moral of the story is that if your sister cannot find a connection in two months, she probably will never find it. The more you delay the decision to break off, the more difficult it will get.

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  32. Even though marriage in India is supposed to be between families, it is still a union between individuals, because they are ultimately the ones who have to deal with the social, emotional and sexual aspects of the relationship. Her mother doesn’t have to deal with the repulsion she feels towards this man, his mother doesn’t have to deal with a wife who isn’t attracted to him. Their investment in this marriage, in terms of personal happiness is far less than that of the couple involved, so I say, “Suck it and go by what YOU want, not what THEY want” (Pardon my English).
     
    And all that talk about being a lonely spinster if you don’t get married is cultural trope – to get men and women to rush their marriage; because happiness is supposed to be in living as cohabiting room-mates ever after with a litter of kids. If thats not what you want and if spousal compatibility is important to you, why compromise? Even in cases where a woman is initially lukewarm to the guy but later gets attracted, there is always a ‘give him a chance’ in the back of their minds. This doesn’t seem to be the case here. She is actively repulsed by the idea of intimacy with this man. Why is marriage so important that she has to overcome so much and sacrifice her personal tastes in a man, just to get hitched?

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  33. Taunting under tone! A celebrated Indian gas lighter! Omg! His expectations are different from hers! If she cant accept and feel the click that is usually spoken of in arranged marriages then she must break it off! Why should she stay with a taunting guy with a blown up psyche all her life, and what if these trivialities only increase after the marriage! isn’t it better to stay unmarried and wait for a guy she wants to spend her life with rather than forcing her, just because she is ageing! India is changing! And many women are marrying well in their 30’s! So she surely will get another guy, atleast something better than a gas lighter!

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      • I did. I went through the whole lot of comments. Most said just do away with it; break it off. I think sticking along and making it work is one way of looking at it and the other is to wait for the connection to happen. I waited for the latter for a long time. Kept refusing guys. In the end, I gave in and decided to accept whatever comes.

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  34. I could not pass by without commenting on this!!

    The more financially independent the women become, the more they prefer good-looking men. But they don’t just want their partners to be hotties; they want them to be masculine, physically fit, loving, educated, a few years older and making the big monies. SOrry to say this girls, but showing off and having a handsome husband, better than what their friends got or maybe what their previous boy friend was is most time the agenda while one gets married. That’s a tall order. Every woman should realize that they become the ugly bird after a child delivery with sagging breasts, cat scratched stomachs, hormonal disfiguration and the like.

    Love is blind for a reason. Girls should look at masculinity in a somewhat different way whether society agrees or not, like the man who lovingly gets up at 3:00 am to change the baby’s diaper while his wife sleeps or isn’t afraid to buy a box of Tampons. A man with a well-defined, muscular body, a six-figure income, a driving, passionate career who’s popular with the ladies is actually a turn off for the smart new girl because it places substance where no true value can be found. It has nothing to do with her own physical appearance, drive or income. The new modern girl can make more conscious, calculated decisions, rather than being swept away in a wave of false bravado and testosterone. Many of the homely modern men are now raised to be a staunch providers, thoughtful, respectful, kind and loving, with a good, creative and witty mind, without regard to his appearance dull appearance which fortunately or unfortunately they got it from their parents who lovingly provided for his as a family and gave him love, education and the strength to survive in this world among more beautiful men and women and you should be just smart enough to be able to see far beyond what nature gave him to the real man underneath.

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    • Thanks for enlightening me on what we should look for in a man! Is there any other personal decision of mine that you would like to influence even though it’s none of your business.

      How insightful of you to be saying that women look for ‘good looking’ men to impress people.. it can’t possibly be because you want to be attracted to someone you’re going to spend your life with.

      ‘A man with a well-defined, muscular body, a six-figure income, a driving, passionate career who’s popular with the ladies is actually a turn off for the smart new girl because it places substance where no true value can be found.’ In this para, you have managed to pass judgement on men and women in the same sentence. You have defined why those men (I’m guessing you’re not one of them) are bad and why any woman marrying an attractive successful man is not ‘smart’. Well done!

      Like

    • ‘The more financially independent the women become, the more they prefer good-looking men.’

      No, the more financially independent the women become, the more they have a choice to express who they find attractive when looking for a mate. Traditionally, women’s attraction or choice was considered irrelevant when looking for a marriage match.

      I find it surprising that think we should patronise ‘smart, educated and financially independent’ and tell them who they should find attractive. So you are saying they are independent but not independent enough to know what’s good for them.

      There are many reasons a woman might not find a man attractive (as the OP’s case shows), not just looks.

      Like

  35. Dear IHM,

    I am 26 year old Marwari girl.. who got engaged to this guy as per my parents choice.. met him twice.. since he is staying abroad…it all happened very soon.. he agreed to it and left the country..i was working as a Team lead.. quit my job after engagement to spend time with my family

    Its been 6 months and i do not have any connection with him … after two months of the engagement i got to know that he agreed to get married under family pressure.. so then i asked him clearly does he want to get married or not.. its either a yes or a no.. that guy didn’t have the guts to tell no .. as he would hurt his family . according to him is was “too smart” and gets a lot of attentions from girls… In six months he did not even make an attempt to get to know me and understand me.. he kept telling long distance is difficult..

    He agrees he does not have a connection with me.. but with his family pressure kept saying i would get married..he told me “if your not ok.. you can call it off from your side and i wont do it”.. i felt very depressed with what was happening.. as people describe courtship is supposes to be a period with two people enjoy.. i didn’t experience any of it..

    finally i took a stand and spoke to my dad about it.. my family decided to speak to the guy once and understand what is happening.. he was caught off guard..he said i don’t have answers to few questions i had asked him.. he did not have answer to the question when i asked him ” do you see a future with me?” . The was enough for my dad to take the decision and support me and he wanted to call it off as soon as possible.

    The women in the family were not very happy with it.. they gave me a lecture to adjust.. marwari women believe that they are born to adjust. IHM you could do a post of how women think in marwari society and make all the sacrifices. they were more worried on how they would face the society and how would i find another guy for myself considering am 26.. which is too late for a girl in marwari society.. most of them get married at 22-25. they even were bothered if i call of the engagement who would give a girl to my brother? not once did anyone think what i was going through or what i wanted.. they only wanted the guy to agree and i get married to him.

    My dad stood my me.. he decided to call it off regardless of what my family says…and he did that.. today the engagement is called off and i have no regrets over it.. this post on “No connection” got me thinking and i took a step of talking to my dad and today am out of a bad relationship

    Like

    • Good for you. *hugs*
      I came back to this post looking for closure, hoping that the EW would have commented, but this comment does it too. I am so happy for you.
      Also, “please adjust” is a constant refrain from female relatives of girls in this country. I feel sorry for the women who have to say this. Their life must have sucked pretty bad, for them to come to believe that this is good advice.

      Like

  36. Pingback: “why not marry them first and then have sex ? What prevents you from doing it ? Deep within YOU WANT JUST SEX and nothing more” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  37. Pingback: “There is so little conversation about a woman’s desire for sex that a lot of people simply assume it doesn’t exist.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  38. Pingback: “This impudence of a widow to fall in love cannot be tolerated by any man. He punished Soorpanakha by mutilating her nose and ears.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  39. Hi
    Am in a situation where am getting engaged in a week time.my fiance is a great guy.but he is settled in a different city which is 12 hours away from mine and this relatioship means a permanent relocation for me.now the problem is that am a single child and the thought of moving away from my ageing parents fills me with stress and guilt.his family also settled with him.so with two families in two states it is becoming very difficult for me to accept this relation.i have no confidence and it also affects my connection with my fiance.with every single dat it is getting onto my nerves.but my parents dont understand this.they say relocation stress is not a valid reason to cancel an engagement.but what if i dont get adjusted and the relationship fails?? I dont know if its childlish but i really want to stay near to my parents wher i can reach them in a matter of couple of hours when they need me.i dont feel getting involved and trying to compromise for my dad and for the various fear of consequences as am already 26 plus. Pls help me as its only a week for the engagement and al preparations are on..

    Like

  40. Pingback: “Do I read too many books and I am confusing the bookish kind of love with reality?” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  41. M myself a divorcee,hv read ur letter n realised she likes nothing about the guy..pls dnt get her married to him,support her.m sure she will get married to someone she will like.but if she gets into an unwanted marriage n later regrets, it wud be very difficult to come out of it. Society..social stigma families.. court is not easy at all. Trust me..it’s much easier now.. Take ur family in confidence n done bother about the rest.everyone will forget intwo days time..
    Good luck.. I dnt knw if m late in writing to u..let me know.. My email.. [IHM: email available on request]

    Like

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