Sharing an email.
I wanted to share my experience with you.
A year ago I started dating a boy that I used to work with. We made a choice we shouldn’t have and he got me pregnant. I had our daughter a few months ago. We were not in a serious relationship and I went through the pregnancy alone. Although his family is from India he was born in the usa. I am not Indian.
In the beginning of my pregnancy he told his mom and she traveled to meet me. His parents do live in the usa. she was nice and welcoming, but despite that he was so scared and I was scared too so he left me alone.
On the urging of some friends I let him know when she was born. he met her but was so wishy washy like always. He wanted to be involved and then he didn’t. so much back and forth. finally he said he wanted us to be together but after having me do a DNA test took it back. When he got the results he had his parents come and meet her. I was so scared. They were nice but I could tell his dad was very apprehensive. In the end he wanted to sign away his rights which I would have let him do if it were possible. This is because every time I talked to him I felt like he was bullying me into doing everything his way. Then I wondered if maybe he was just used to hearing men talk to women in a controlling way. In the end he told me he would trust that I wouldn’t file child support on him ever “since I already had done everything he told me to do”. So I haven’t talked to him again.
That was in May. I’m too scared of him and I don’t want any drama in my life. He emailed me recently asking for pictures but I didn’t respond. He hasn’t tried contacting me any other way. No phone calls, no visits to my home. But we do have mutual friends. One of our friends was telling me that during a visit with him he was telling her he never wanted to be a deadbeat dad and that he sounded earnest and confused about me. It really upset me.
My question to you is… do you think that a part of the problem was that he didn’t want to marry me? His mom wanted him to but I dont think his dad approved. Do you think that because of that he couldn’t be involved? Would an Indian girl refuse to marry him knowing that he has a child out of wedlock? I’m thinking I upset a delicate order.
Thanks for any input
In response to my email:
I don’t know why he suddenly wanted a DNA test. It really confused me. He treated me really badly during my pregnancy. I would invite him to prenatals and he would always cancel. Finally we just stopped talking altogether.
I think he was urged by his friends to do a DNA test. They thought maybe I was lying. I did take offense to this at first.
At first when he met our daughter he said he couldn’t be involved. Then he said he wanted to be but that the dna test would help him have proof for his father. He told me his mom thought the idea was stupid and she knew it was his baby, but he wanted to have real proof for his dad. It was very humiliating for me and during the test he kept thanking me and apologizing for it. Ironically it was the first time I had sex after a very long period of celibacy.
In the US DNA tests are standard for child support but it wasn’t my intention to file for child support and he knew that. Especially after the way he had treated me it was more of a pride thing really. I figured that with my education I could take care of my daughter alone even if it meant I would struggle a little.
I’m afraid of him because of the way he would talk to me. It was at times threatening and controlling. He had a way of talking in a bullying way that was known to have made two grown people cry that he worked with.
I don’t want to marry him. After he said he wanted to be in a relationship with me I considered it. I did the DNA test because he said it was for his dad and I thought it meant we would then be able to be together. I thought maybe he changed his mind because his dad didn’t like me.
When his parents met my family I was honestly offended at how much his dad spent asking my family about our education background. I am a college educated girl and it made me feel like he felt I was unworthy of his son.
I’ve been looking online to see what Indian people would do in this situation and I found other people who had similar cases to mine. I really want and hope that he will leave me alone.
I did not put his name on the birth certificate so he doesn’t have any legal right to our daughter right now. He wanted to sign away his rights, but he still wanted me to invite his family to visit with our daughter when they were in town. This made me angry, one because no US judge would allow a man, after confirming paternity, to relinquish his rights thus bastardizing his own child. Second, if he could have been able to sign away his rights I wouldn’t have any obligation to let them see her whenever he wanted. I felt like he was always trying to “have his cake and eat it too”.
I wanted to ask you about Indian custom because I’m hoping that he will leave me alone. I started to think that maybe he is leaving me alone because this would make it hard for him to marry an indian girl if he were involved. that’s why I wanted to know what the likelihood would be of an Indian girl marrying an Indian boy with a baby out of wedlock.
How would this have been different if my daughter had been a boy?