If u r doing good to ur parents-in-law then ur own parents r being treated good by ur brother’s wife.. Its a ‘Chain’.

So all Indian women must have brothers, i.e. all Indian parents must have sons? Then we wonder about our skewed gender ratio?

Please note, I am not sure if ‘Mai’ (to be released Oct 31st) is trying to promote the Patriarchal ‘chain’ of Budhape ka sahara and Paraya Dhan, this is one of the reactions to the trailer.

if u r doing good to ur parents-in-law then ur own parents r being treated good by ur brother’s wife.. Its a ‘Chain’ .. the give n take of the respect in the same relations. Be good.. Get good..

Received this link to ‘Mai’ trailer with this message from Nibedita Bose,

Hi IHM,
While I watched this trailer, somehow I remembered your blog … it is getting applauds on its last line but I don’t feel much comfortable with it… check it out.

Here’s another reaction to the trailer:

ufffffff…!!! really very good trailer… its an appeal to all the women in the world pls if u can feel the pain for your own parents then u should feel the same pain for your husband’s parents too.. then no mother n father will be homeless n the all daughters will stay happy in their own home…

Do Indian daughters (the Paraya dhan), have their ‘own’ homes? And can they  welcome their ‘own parents’ in their ‘own homes’?

I hope the movie is a reminder to Indian parents that girl children are their  ‘own’ children too.

Updated to add: And this is the future Indian daughters are trained for, from the age of three?

Picture from facebook, link shared by Shail.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10152107053470437&set=a.273426745436.311223.532430436&type=1&theater

(Note: Legally, all Indian children, sons or daughters, are required to take care of elderly parents.)

Related Posts:

Another email. When an Indian daughter-in-law has no brothers.

An email: My principal fear is my wife is not going to be able to love my parents as much as I do.

Can you be equal if you are not allowed to make equal contribution?

An email: I am not sure how my husband is going to react to this…

If I made Baghban.

Can we blame everything on patriarchy?

 

24 thoughts on “If u r doing good to ur parents-in-law then ur own parents r being treated good by ur brother’s wife.. Its a ‘Chain’.

  1. Well, firstly this assumes that the daughter-in-law is responsible for looking after her in-laws, not her own parents. Then it places no responsibility on sons to look after in-laws, thus again assuming the son never leaves his parents. And finally it assumes everyone has a son.

    What a great advert for patriarchy and the importance of sons (even if it’s the DIL that ‘does good’ to the in-laws). Here’s the thing though, my parents have two daughters.. so since they are out of the ‘chain’, should I be bitchy to my in-laws as I’m out of the ‘chain’ too?

    Sons are just as capable of providing elderly care as daughters and DILs. Women don’t have some magical and unique ‘do good’ powers! So why not say do good to your own parents and other people can do good to their parents. That works much better because you’re not dependent on a chain.

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    • The sons are supposed to ensure that their spouse is obedient and dutiful and if they fail to do that, they can be slapped their sisters (and random strangers too). He is seen as a ‘Joru Ka Ghulaam’.

      Indian daughters though have no responsibility towards their ‘own parents’, no traditional Indian daughter’s parents would dream of ‘ruining her family life’ or causing any inconvenience to her spouse (who they bribe with dowry to become their son in law).

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      • I think it’s slightly different in Kerala, or maybe it’s just my mom. When I asked her why her mother was living with us when she clearly preferred living in India, she said its because women have a responsibility to look after their parents. Of course, maybe she was hiding the fact that her sisters in law don’t get along with my grandmother…

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        • That difference is only in one community in Kerala, not all. But it has slightly rubbed off on others, that people aren’t shocked if parents live with daughters.

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  2. Didn’t quite understand the full trailer – what does “Mai” mean? Mother?

    I think what’s happening is the mother in law is being viewed as a burden by her son in law. Someone wanted to put her in an old age home – the bald guy. I think he’s her son and his sister (the old woman’s daughter) is shocked.

    I don’t understand why the shock over old age homes. I hope that when I’m old I can maneuver myself into a comfortable old age home where there are specific facilities for old people and where I won’t be a burden to other people. Personally I think that’s a fantastic option – if you have the money for it.

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    • The shock is probably because the media has been constantly portraying old age homes as some sort of “waiting room where one stands helplessly, in queue, for death”. Wonder how many people have even seen brochures of retirement homes, let alone visit one.

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    • Parents consider it a betrayal by their children if they are asked to stay in an old age home. Their feeling is that they took care of their kids when the kids were unable to take care of themselves. So they feel that their kids should take care of them when they are incapacitated. Even though that feeling is not necessarily right, I can understand why they would feel that way. To each, their own. Personally I too would consider old age homes as a good option for myself when the time comes. However, I’m not sure whether old age homes in our country have the necessary facilities and whether they provide the appropriate level of care.

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      • I agree. I too wouldn’t feel comfortable with my parents living in an old age home. I do not believe in the social stigma, but I have seen a couple of these homes, and they’re not very well run.

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    • Exactly. Why would an old person choose to live with a resentful daughter-in-law who serves, but grudgingly?

      I know the petty cruelty that reluctant DILs are capable of when forced to care for an old MIL they don’t like.

      My paternal aunt would reduce my grandmother’s portions under the guise of “controlling her diet”. I don’t blame her — her own widowed mother refused to stay with her because she was a daughter.

      Having to care for your husband’s mother while being unable to care for your own — it messes you up.

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  3. The image is horrible , I would never buy such a toy…Unfortunately even kids story books are having these contents .” She was a beautiful girl , with all the skills to manage a house , one day she ….”
    I am pareshan with this nonsense..

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  4. Are we judging this trailer too soon? Maybe it is showing the stereotypes as they exist in the society today. The son seen as the budhape ka sahara and him exploiting his mother financially. The daughter taking care of the mother is seen as a sacrifice on her part and not a responsibility. But at the end of the day, they are trying to show (maybe unsuccessfully) that this sort of thinking is wrong and needs to change. And about the old age home, maybe the daughter was against it because her mother would consider it as a sign that her children dont love her (many elderly people feel that way and it is difficult to make them feel otherwise). We should wait for the movie and then see what exactly they are portraying.
    My biggest problem is with the toys in the picture. “Train your daughter to be a good daughter in law”??? WTF?? I cannot believe they make such stuff and people actually buy them!! And here I was, naively thinking that making gender specific toys is the worst thing that could happen. I wonder what sort of a person these parents raise. Would the girl have any self respect or an individual personality at all? I am too shocked to say anything else right now.

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  5. Seriously, what was wrong with this trailer? It seems to be showing that the son-in-law does not want to keep the mother of his wife in his home. On the other hand, the daughter desperately wants to give a home and company to her mother. They seem to be try to break the stereotype that the home is of the husband and girl’s parents can’t live there. The son-in-law is clearly shown in bad light for not accepting his mother-in-law in home, and expecting her sons to take care for her. And finally he turns around ( as it is a must in Indian movies) to start taking care for her. That’s a fresh change to start, sons in law taker care for mother-in-law.

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    • OK, the part where Padmini wants her brother to keep the mother with him is bad. Because you can not expect others, not even your brother, to have same values as you. But may be they wee being realistic, how would a daughter first react.

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    • The problem is there in that expectation that only son is going to take care of the elderly parents….It is so unreasonable to held him responsible only when his sisters are in existence…..I agree that this movie might be trying to break the stereotype about “Beti Ka Ghar” and that daughter is taking a stand to support her mother. I do not have any brother and even if I had one I cannot even imagine to dump all my parent’s taking care to my brother only…also the last line says “give birth to a daughter…he would be more useful” was something I felt as skewed biased thought. Why do we have to glorify or show respect to the female clan by only degrading the male species??

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      • I feel Mai comparing ‘bete ka ghar’ and ‘jamai ka ghar’ is outrageous. Indian parents forget that the ‘bete ka ghar’ is ‘bahu ka ghar’ too and ‘jamai ka ghar’ is ‘beti ka ghar’ too. They feel it’s their right to stay with a child of one gender whether welcome or not, while hesitating to stay with a child of the other gender, although welcome.

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    • Indian sons-in-law would be quaking in their shoes at the very thought of having to care for their ILs.

      They expect their wife to ceaselessly serve their own parents; but Indian men caring for their ILs willingly? Pigs will fly that day,

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  6. My husband had a nice comment , he has changed his thoughts over time and I am proud of myself , that I positively influenced him.
    “Ladki Pehle ghar me Naukarani , phir Sasural ke liye naukarani banti hai kya ” , I told him about a KBC contestant…where when his sister got married , he had to marry so that a woman can take care of his mother and household , that is when his sister got married and now meant to serve her inlaws.

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