“Why didn’t these women find life partners by dating?”

So, how different would the situation be if Indians did not disapprove of ‘Pub and Mall Culture’, and if Indian engineering colleges did not forbid young men and women from interacting? Or if we did not hear of bans against Parties and Valentine’s day celebrations? And if ‘girls and boys holding hands’ was not seen as going against Indian values?
It seems every other issue in Indian culture is based on just one thing, ‘Ban choice marriages and make sure every Indian girl gets married to someone the community/family has chosen for her as soon as possible, and then make sure she stays married to that person’.
The rules for men are slightly different (in general), they are welcome to party, drink, wear western clothes, sing western songs, dance to western tunes, stay out after dark, have girl friends, have sex – so long as they don’t marry someone they have fallen in love with while doing all this, they are Shravan Kumars saving the Indian culture.
Let me share some questions asked by a reader.
Another topic suggestion:
In your blog in one week time we saw three women in their late 20s or early 30s forced to use the Matrimonial Ad route for an arranged marriage by the parents/family. All the three were well educated well employed, living in mega cities, living happy lives as Single women.
All three had bitter experiences from the Matrimony Market but still they were trying to get married.
Why? Is family pressure the only reason?
Is the need for a partner to share their lives with and need for kids a factor? Do these women had/have  steady boy friends? Can the lack of a boy friend be a factor?
Also ask “Why didn’t these women find a life partner by dating?”
Don’t put my name pls -P

Related Posts:

Love Marriages spoil the Family System of our Nation.

How illegal bans on Valentine’s day and birthday parties are connected with dowry deaths and sex selection.

“Wonder how I survived for 4 years in this college!!”

An email: Is it fair for parents to say that their happiness depends on who their kids marry?

Parents should choose the boy for a girl aged below 21, as it is they who bear the brunt of an unsuccessful marriage – Karnataka HC

90 thoughts on ““Why didn’t these women find life partners by dating?”

  1. Seriously Marriage is given way too much importance !

    Life can happen without marriage also and equally happily… somehow almost everyone seems to get tangled in this…

    Guess its born out of insecurity of us humans who will take care of us in our old age or something of that sort.. we need spouses and children for that I guess… constantly worrying about the way too distant future.. I firmly believe if you dont feel you have found the right partner or are not sure you can live with someone all your life you must go with your choices… Getting tangled with someone and feeling stuck is far worse than living alone… especially in a society like ours where Divorce is just not an option

    Not sure if right but my point of view !

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      • Yes it is a wonderful place to be in I am married too and wouldnt change it for anything. 🙂 Unfortunately a lot of people though think marriage is teh only way to be happy in life..

        I have a friend who is in his late 30’s and has not married and has a ball travelling with gay abandon and living a gypsy life almost… He doesnt worry too much about the future… Just recently wandering around he managed to shake hands with Dalai Lama !😀 A lot of us married folks actually get jealous of him at times😀

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      • Bhavna and Hitchy – I agree with you too. And I am happily married as well. But I don’t think marriage is the be all end all. One can be happy alone or with a live-in partner as well. I keep talking to my teenage daughter about why she shouldn’t rush into a marriage but that doesn’t mean I will stop her from dating or living with someone if she decides to.

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    • Divorce is always an option — as long as the stigma of divorce is so powerful that even enlightened people like you unintentionally rule it out as an option, many women will choose to remain in bad marriages for exactly this reason.

      I’m divorced, and contrary to what many people think, my life did not end — I am far happier now than when I was married. It’s always an option if you’re unhappily married.

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      • I certainly dont mean to say divorce is not an option… I always have not understood why simply due to a social stigma people remain in bad marriages… I was just stating what exists in our system not that it is right…

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  2. Well I think Marriage is given way too much importance in India.in other countries you get married for companionship and if you don’t find a partner of your choice you are content to wait til you do. In India marriage is mandatory, a necessity which you can’t escape. It’s very less to do with finding love and companionship and a lot to do with continuing the family line and making your parents happy (in case of guys) and finding someone to support you in case you are a girl. The concept that a girl can be very happy even if she is not married and does not need someone to support her and look after her is unheard of. Majority of the parents bring up/groom their girls with the intention of marriage instead of making them self-sufficient and self-reliant.
    As to why these girls rely so much on matrimonial websites and why they want to get married ? – I think it’s simply the social pressure plus it’s been ingrained in most women that living alone is not an option. It has a lot to do with women in this country depending too much on the men. It’s a pity actually that modern educated women also fall in this trap.
    Off course dating and more interaction between the opposite sexes would solve a lot of issues – but then our society is ruled by religion and caste – how many of these women would be allowed to marry a guy belonging to a different community ? How many of them would be allowed an easy divorce if they choose to walk out of the marriage?

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    • Exactly my thoughts…

      I seriously do not understand why marriage is forced upon everyone with least consideration to factors like whether you are ready or not, whether you like it or not. To think about it deeply, an Indian marriage seems nothing more than a social convention to license 2 people to live and sleep under the same roof, let alone the fact if they are happy or not..

      I’m 27 and I’m in a serious relationship with a guy for the past 7 years. I have no plans of getting married yet. You have no idea how much attention it gets. Even if my parents choose to let me be, the neighbors and almost everyone I know, including people I meet for the first time have a question to me “You are 27!!!!!! why aren’t you married yet”.. I know I’m not obliged to answer them, but its sickening day by day to even listen to these.

      And my close friends have a slightly different question. “You’ve been is a with this guy for quite long, then why are you still hesitating to get married?”

      Is there an age limit within which it is mandatory to get married? Why is an individual’s choice of life or happiness is restricted, How did people I barely knew get a nerve to question about my personal life? What is wrong if I’m simply not ready to married yet?

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  3. Dear P,
    You have voiced exactly what had come in my mind!

    These women are very much like any one of us where they just cannot brush off the years and years of social conditioning nor can they defy their loved ones.

    How many of us have friends who are 30+ and single/divorced?

    I feel depressed when I see the amount of social ridicule these women have to face.

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    • Almost all my close girl friends are 30 + , single / divorced and very accomplished and happy🙂 ..heck I even have close Boy friends who are above 30 , single or divorced , but they want to get hooked soon . I have seen men missing more in life than women when they are not married and cross a certain age.

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  4. “All three had bitter experiences from the Matrimony Market but still they were trying to get married.
    Why? Is family pressure the only reason?”
    Isn’t companionship a good reason?

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  5. Till sometime back I used to consider companionship be it in or out of marriage as a strong bond, but lately I have had some very bitter experiences in life that made our social picture very clear for me.
    All the three girls failed to find partners through dating because Indian society doesn’t allow room for open and healthy dating. Those who dare to follow their heart and mind and do indulge in dating, they too are socially conditioned to consider marriage to be the ultimate goal of dating.

    In short, it all boils down to the deep rooted belief that getting married and staying married is the only way to attain happiness, social acceptance and social security in our society. The pressure to get married isn’t limited to single people but divorced women too are forced to get settled as soon as possible.

    Even though one can fight back family pressure but fighting one’s own beliefs and the social norms isn’t possible at all times, hence people tend to crumble under social pressure to get married somehow, whether they like it or not.

    Just yesterday I shared the dilemma of a friend of mine (http://theerailivedin.wordpress.com/2012/09/25/companionship/) who is going through a divorce and is being forced to get married again as soon as her divorce is finalized. I really don’t know where we are heading with this kind of attitude😦

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    • I have been introduced to this blog only recently , but have become a fan in a short time itself. The discussions are very relevant, open minded and mostly very lively. However I do feel that people here tend to sometimes takes a very “Stereo typical negative view” of Indian marriages, believing that they are all about coercion and nothing else. I honestly believe that a lot of Indians get married because they themselves want to.

      Why do these women want to get married?

      Simple – they have the need for a partner. Every human, being Men or Women, have an intrinisc need for the company from a life partner, whom they can share their lives with. Somebody they can connect with , emotionally , physically , financially and make their lives with. While friends can fulfill some parts of this role, I am sure everybody agrees that friends , no matter how close they are , cannot replace a life partner

      Is society pressure a factor ?
      May be .But in these cases I seems to me that it is only a small factor . The base factor remains to be their own need for a partner. I say so because
      – These women have already defied pressure till now, no reason they cannot do it longer
      – I believe society pressure actually decreases the longer you resists. They tend to make peace with the situation as they see themselves unable to modify it. Also with age and experience, I will expect these women have grown stronger and more able to resist pressure , not yield to it.

      //Those who dare to follow their heart and mind and do indulge in dating, they too are socially conditioned to consider marriage to be the ultimate goal of dating.//

      Should that not actually make it easier for these girls, if the guys who are dating have marriage as the ultimate goal of dating

      Beside if not marriage ( or rather a long term life partner ) , what exactly is the goal of dating ?

      Why didn’t these women find a life partner by dating?

      Because dating is neither the wonderful heaven nor the silver bullet as it is often made out to be here. It has it own pitfalls – People looking only for short term fun, people knowing in their heart that their girl/boy friends are not the match they seek and yet continuing the relationship, people yielding to their need for partner and dating somebody, whom an objective assessment view would clearly tell is not the right person for them. And many more

      //Well I think Marriage is given way too much importance in India.in other countries you get married for companionship//

      I disagree. I believe Indians place as much importance on partnership as western society does. The difference arise because
      – The definition of partnership is different
      – Indian society believes marriage as the only right way for partnership. Tell the western society that they cannot date and have sex before marriage, and you will see people falling over to get married by 25..

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      • I disagree with you. The problem actually under discussion is WHY we must tell ANYONE who is an adult not to date and have sex. WHY pressurise an adult to get married within their own caste blah blah blah. Everyone requires companionship, that is true. It is also true that not every Indian marriage is unequal or miserable. But that does not alter the fact that most people are pressurised into marriages by society. The point is not that these people ought not to have married, but simply that it’s no business of society to get involved. And please, most Indians in the arranged marriage market don’t give an iota for partnership.

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      • I think most folks hardly even know what they are getting into when they think ‘marriage’. Mainly because they have hardly interacted with the other gender. They dont know a red flag when it is being waved in their face.

        A partial solution could be to let young men and women mix with each other, let them party, let them hold hands even *gasp*, let them make mistakes and learn.

        And stereotypes exist for a reason, no?!

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      • Thanks. You articulated my thoughts exactly.
        “”Because dating is neither the wonderful heaven nor the silver bullet as it is often made out to be here.””
        So so true. I have friends raised in the US, with totally American values and they’ve often confided how awkward dating is, and how they wished they were out of the game. And while their parents do joke around about them getting ‘settled’, I’m pretty sure they enjoy a great relationship and there is no pressure/blackmail/anything for them to unwillingly commit themselves. However, suddenly in your mid-30’s you find your friends busy with their families and an empty apartment to come home to; it does bring into focus the innate need all of us have for companionship and a true partner we can share everything with. This friend of mine, has now requested/agreed to meet anyone his parents can link him up with – you could call it arranged, however I fail to see anything wrong in dating/seeing someone with the objective of marriage made clear at the outset. He had dated a few girls before (Indian/non-Indian) and is certainly very independent, accomplished and smart.

        And if dating is not a silver bullet – certainly mall and pub culture cant be one either.

        IMHO, yes, certainly relaxing societal norms for dating/interacting with members of the opposite sex is essential and inevitable, as also is the Indian mentality of setting a schedule to govern people’s lives (marriage by 25, 2 kids by 30 et al..) . These are, without a doubt, regressive and will encourage people to choose their life partners freely. Also, a great and mutually respectable relationship with parents will go a long way in making sure even arranged marriages (if you so desire) are not traumatic and start off on the right note.

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        • I have friends raised in the US, with totally American values and they’ve often confided how awkward dating is, and how they wished they were out of the game

          If they find dating awkward, I cannot imagine why they would particularly enjoy interacting with a potential partner with both families standing on tenterhooks and ‘supervising’ their interaction. Such behavior would certainly defy logic.

          This is really a non-argument. Dating is not a silver bullet (I never thought it was made out to be that here either), but as far as getting to know a partner is concerned, I contend that it is vastly preferable to group dates with families invited.

          it does bring into focus the innate need all of us have for companionship and a true partner we can share everything with.

          Maybe.

          From my own experiences, I am inclined to believe that a substantial minority of us simply do not have such a need, or if they do, it is weak enough to be overridden by other considerations.

          The point is, let’s not make the sweeping generalizations which are the root cause of many a statistical outlier’s misery. Outliers are still just as much people as the mainstream majority.

          I fail to see anything wrong in dating/seeing someone with the objective of marriage made clear at the outset

          There is nothing wrong with it, provided you realize, understand and acknowledge that it is not the only possible way to date. Many Indians fail at this.

          Also, a great and mutually respectable relationship with parents will go a long way in making sure even arranged marriages (if you so desire) are not traumatic and start off on the right note.

          Unfortunately, such a relationship is not always possible. A relationship based on mutual respect, by definition, requires commitment from both parties, not just one. There are far too many people who are unwilling to go even halfway. We’ve all met such people, haven’t we?

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      • Thanks. You articulated my thoughts exactly.
        “”Because dating is neither the wonderful heaven nor the silver bullet as it is often made out to be here.””
        So so true. I have friends raised in the US, with totally American values and they’ve often confided how awkward dating is, and how they wished they were out of the game. And while their parents do joke around about them getting ‘settled’, I’m pretty sure they enjoy a great relationship and there is no pressure/blackmail/anything for them to unwillingly commit themselves. However, suddenly in your mid-30’s you find your friends busy with their families and an empty apartment to come home to; it does bring into focus the innate need all of us have for companionship and a true partner we can share everything with. This friend of mine, has now requested/agreed to meet anyone his parents can link him up with – you could call it arranged, however I fail to see anything wrong in dating/seeing someone with the objective of marriage made clear at the outset. He had dated a few girls before (Indian/non-Indian) and is certainly very independent, accomplished and smart.

        And if dating is not a silver bullet – certainly mall and pub culture cant be one either.

        IMHO, yes, certainly relaxing societal norms for dating/interacting with members of the opposite sex is essential and inevitable, as also is the Indian mentality of setting a schedule to govern people’s lives (marriage by 25, 2 kids by 30 et al..) . These are, without a doubt, regressive and will encourage people to choose their life partners freely. Also, a great and mutually respectable relationship with parents will go a long way in making sure even arranged marriages (if you so desire) are not traumatic and start off on the right note.

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      • Well marriage is as marriage does. My parents 38-year old marriage is much more egalitarian than my own short-lived marriage.

        There are many kinds of marriages in India.

        A “typical” Indian marriage, however, offers little room or space for a woman’s aspirations, her freedom and her choices. She has to fit into a narrowly-defined space whose dimensions are dictated by family and society.

        A typical Indian marriage is about preserving caste purity, providing male heirs and ensuring the continuity of the husband’s lineage — his family’s traditions and customs, his family’s ancestral wealth.

        Traditional Indian marriages offer women shelter, clothing and economic security in return for total assimilation into the husband’s family. Do you think such marriages benefit women?

        Marriage is an enduring institution precisely because it has changed, morphed and adapted over time.

        Right now, society at large has not kept pace with women’s aspirations and desires — this disconnect is the reason why urban, educated women find themselves in this dilemma.

        When Indian women marry, they do so knowing that they have to stay married AT ALL COSTS. That’s like running a race with your hands tied behind your back. How is that good for us?

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  6. While not the only factor, family pressure is a very big factor.
    I do not think that people that have absolutely no interest in ever sharing their life with someone or ever have kids would bother marriage, arranged or otherwise. Most people do want a partner to share their lives and have kids with. Not all, but for the majority this holds true and I do not think that is a bad thing. But what family pressure does is turn a would-be-nice to a must-have.
    I have some friends that tried the arranged marriage/matrimonial website route as a mechanism to find a partner. The reason they ventured into this was because they were not in a relationship at that point, having never dated someone from their background felt having a partner from a similar background would be nice and it was the parents-approved-method. After the teenage years, fighting your parents gets tiring.

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  7. Marriage is definitely overrated. And the main aim of parents (be it a girl’s or boy’s) ultimately is to get their child/ren married. More so for girls than for boys. Earlier women stayed at home and took care of kids, doing household chores. They didn’t have a source of income. So they had to be dependent on men and hence the mandatory marriage. For many decades now, the situation has been different. If a woman is choosing to do something which generates income for her, then she need not worry about everything and take the marriage route as she pleases. Of course I’m talking of ‘can’, which doesn’t involve external pressure. Now since it is centuries old practice to nag girls to get married once they reach their early twenties, it is hard to let go of that. Mostly because of the acceptance in society and partly because they want to see their kid ‘settled’. They forget that ‘WE’, each one of us, make society. Now for the ‘settled’ part, I don’t for the life of me, understand why a girl can’t get settled on her own? Can’t she buy a flat and a car and take care of her parents and live a happy life, if she wants to? And then comes the bans. Don’t wear such dresses, don’t go out at night, don’t drink, don’t talk to boys, don’t have boyfriend and so on. And the dating scene in India is still evolving. Parents are scared of perverts who are also the result of such prohibitions. It is not easy to find an open minded man who is completely accepting of the girl. Many still think patriarchy is the norm and it is ok to boss their girlfriend/wife around. So all we need to do it take a stand, stick to it, do our own thing and give our society time to evolve so we can live and breathe easily. All the while, saying no to what we think is not good for us. We owe that much to us. (sorry IHM for the mini post)

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  8. I was brought up outside the motherland. My parents wanted me to have an arranged marriage. When I fell in love for the first time at 19 (with someone they did not share ethnic/religious/linguistic background), I was told they did not expect this from me because I was their kid (with major disgust in their expression). I was called a whore by my own mother when she first learnt I had sex with someone I loved. I did not really mean for her to find out but I am just really bad at keeping secrets. This was in my early twenties, I was in love, I was financially independent and not even living at home. I remember the guilt, how dirty she made me feel and what a disappointment I felt I was.
    That. That is also partially why you find well educated, well employed women living in mega cities who are happy with their in the Matrimony Market.

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  9. Just because women are employed and independent doesn’t mean they have had a chance to find their own partner.
    Where and how can they meet a guy? at work? through friends?? what if that fails??
    Also, it is not easy for a woman(or man) who hasn’t interacted with other gender, except for with cousins, classmates and colleagues, to just go and date..
    So for many, arranged marriages seems to be the only possible route to find partners.

    Parents generally believe that they need to maintain a good name in the society to attract “good” proposals for their children. Hence many parents consider “what others think” way more important than their own child’s happiness. Because they have to rely on family and friends for finding a groom/bride for their children. Either that or matrimonial sites.

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  10. Because maybe it gets tiring for them to explain to everybody all the time why they didnt get married. Somehow not finding the right partner is never considered a reason for not getting married in India. Everybody feels down at times and when these single women do everybody starts commenting how lonely they must be feeling and that they should get married. All these married people sit on high horse and ever ready to bestow ‘you should get married soon before its too late’ advice on happy singles. There is an obsession with marriage, having kids in india. When you are single people start pestering with you on finding the right person soon, when you are dating they want to know the wedding date(with you should not delay it comments), when you get married they poke you about having a kid asap. People are rarely let to be on their own.

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  11. Marriage or no marriage, I can speak for some of my single friends (we r 29) that the problem is actually finding a decent guy (boyfriend). Somehow all those decent(view on relationships) ones we grew up with had steady girlfriends from college.. Some of those guys that were not so open minded to start with, grew up/evolved gradually along the way but are mostly married by now.. All the decent ones are simply not available anymore or are really rare and hard to find.

    I have always felt that, thanks to the imbalanced social structure with regards to gender, girls end up with modern/balanced views of marriage and life. This is especially so for girls who are not married in early 20s – they had the liberty to ponder over life and relationships. Guys being on the favored side don’t always have/see a necessity to be more open minded than their parents were.. I guess that maybe one of the reasons.

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  12. The problem with Indian marriages and western marriages is this.! Indians have attached the act of procreation to marriage.! There are weird concepts like cut off age or marriageable age for women in India, while men can keep defying any age and get married when they want.! Again not to hurt sentiments, but as we all know women have the ability to procreate since they hit puberty and that goes on till 30.! Since we are the urban India, we are not engaging in child marriages, so parents essentially wait to educate their daughters and get them respectable jobs by which the daughters reach the age of 23 or 24 and from there on the hunt begins.! Most parents in India are of the view that marriages should happen by 26, so that in the next two or three years their daughters become pregnant and produce healthy kids.! After crossing 30 it becomes a little difficult and they want their daughters to be spared of all the dilemma.! Again let us say, that producing children after entering marriages is a duty and not a right.! Women can’t tell their husband or in laws about the choices they want to make as far getting pregnant goes.! They can’t say a “no” come what may, even though more and more women of my age are no exercising their reproductive rights.! Since both marriage and motherhood are treated as the two sides of the same coin, there is this nudging necessity to get daughters married off by a certain age after which the society comprised of moronic fools won’t let their daughters live.! They will attach strange adjectives to their daughters if they are not able to conceive or give birth with complications! That is why ideally in India most women try getting married before 30 to avoid any shame to their parents.! I don’t blame them entirely, but they are left with no choice when every day of their lives, they get to hear absurdities that do not let them live.! To avoid any repercussions associated with pregnancy not happening or happening with much difficulty women rush into marriages without giving second thoughts to the idea of a wonderful partner coming their way.! They want to be spared of the all the “name calling” the society will hand out to their parents and them if they do not marry at the right age and give birth to healthy kids.! Much of the research that went into the practice of dowry in India reflected of the Indian sentiments attached to finding for their son a woman who can give them healthy children.! A woman is not much in demand in the arranged marriage market if she crosses thirty and thereby making her less popular and attracting a lot of dowry.! That is why many women are now retorting to the idea of love marriages, something that is as per their idea of marriage and that of their parents.! Most Indian marriages have still attached the worth of a woman with her womb, that is why this rush for getting married at the right age happens.!

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    • A friend of mine had two serious relationships before marriage. These did not culminate in marriage. She married someone else on pressure from her parents because ‘how can girls remain unmarried?’ Now her husband, who came to know of this, calls her maternal home a brothel, and her parents and siblings pimps, since they knew of this.

      If things like this happen, how the hell is it possible to have dating in our country?

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      • Anon,
        If a guy had such 2 or 3 relationships nobody would have complained. So the problem is not Dating but Patriarchy ! That is what most of us here are saying day in and day out.

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        • Whatever the reason, unfortunately, this situation is the reality for people like my friend. She tried to live her own life, was even working, but had to give all that up when she married because of pressure from both sides. Now she is stuck in this horrendous caricature of a marriage, with nowhere to go, no financial or social backing.:(

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      • Thats just shows how important it is to tell your fiance about your past before getting married. You should tell what you are comfortable telling but if you have a past you should let them know. It really hurts people when they find out later on. The difference is that when the woman finds it out, she usually isnt entitled to ranting and spewing insults but told to get over her hurt and look forward. Still if you were involved then at least be fair and spare her the hurt later on by coming clean before the wedding. At least then they have the chance to walk away if they cannot deal with it.

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        • Women sometimes don’t have a choice in the matter, not when they have been brainwashed into believing in ideas of family honour and such. I sometimes feel she should just walk out, and tell her so. Unfortunately, she is told to ‘put up with things’ by her family, and it doesn’t help that she’s not allowed to go out and earn by her husband.:( Sometimes there are a lot of gray areas that we don’t know of outside the marriage.

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        • Not many guys have the guys to admit that they had a relationship in the past which of course failed.. many times due to family pressure from either side and hence they are on lookout again….

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        • Anon said “Women sometimes don’t have a choice in the matter”
          I absolutely disagree. That’s is the worst thing you can tell yourself or your friend. You ALWAYS have a choice. If your friend was financial independent, she absolutely had a choice. Parental pressure for marriage can be defied. It might not be a popular decision, but you certainly have the choice to do it. She still has the choice to walk out of the marriage. She is choosing to stay with a man who calls her a prostitute.

          It’s too easy for women to treat themselves badly because ‘log kya kahenge’, ‘I am a girl, I have no choice’ etc etc. It’s self pity that helps no one. Yes, the system is against you. You can’t change the system but you can choose your reaction to it. If women act like it’s impossible to break social norms detrimental to them, how can we possibly expect men and their families to break them? I do not accept the argument that she is mentally brainwashed to do it. If some conditioning is making your life a living hell, you will realise it at some point! Women don’t exercise their choice for fear or stigma, fear of ‘log’. As long as you can support yourself financially, you don’t need ‘log’ or ‘society’.

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    • I want to geniunely ask this question – Is it a scientifc / biological fact that women on the wrong side of 30, even those in early thirties ( 31-34 ) have problem conceiving / bearing healthy children ?If yes , can anyone point me to some scientific report on this.

      Or is it merely a urban myth propogated to support early marriages ?

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  13. IHM,
    Some interestig points has been raised here.
    I was also wondering why the 2 girls, living in NYC and Australia did not consider non- Indians as future partners. Was this again because of cultural/racial factors affecting the attitudes towards dating and marriage? I also want to know how much is the pressure from society to marry for men and
    Wonen in Causasian population? Can some one from such a population comment about it?

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      • Hello Arun,

        I am from UK. I will try to answer your question. There is so much to explain. I hope what I have written below will give you some idea.

        I am 30 now and unmarried. I have been living in UK for 10 years and I am originally from the one of the big metros in India. My family is in India.

        ***Up until now***, I did not bother looking outside the Indian diaspora mainly because of my family. I am the eldest in my family and we have been pretty much bought up with the view that we will be punished by God if we don’t marry a guy of parent’s choice and will commit a sin if we go for ” love marriage” which incidentally is also perceived to be doomed right from the beginning.

        ***Age 25 till 27*** (By then I had been living in UK for 5 years with a good job and on route to settling in UK for good)
        What my parents wanted in a guy then (who by the way are based in India)
        1. specific caste and religion
        2. not more than 3 years older than I am.
        3. vegetarian, non drinker and non smoker ( as I practice all of these too)
        4. at least been in UK for more than 2 years (future status of his visa did not matter)
        5.educated family with solid financial background in India (yes in India!!)
        6. Doctors/bankers/engineers only- excellent job and education
        7.alright looking (left to me to decide once the guy passes the above)
        I got on to Shaadi.com. I had two profiles- one I had created myself and one by my parent (yes, tell me about it!)
        The guys my parents were suggesting- we just never clicked (oh and parent’s don’t know what ‘click’ means. They think this will come after marriage) or the guys were uber traditional and were extremely uncomfortable with my independence (financial and social both).
        The guys I preferred on shaadi- they failed on my parents criteria 1, so I was too scared to even bother speaking to them.

        ***Age 28 till 29*** (I have been in UK for nearly 9 years now)
        Parents criteria
        1. caste: it was now ok to go down 2 levels. (although deep down still same caste/religion)
        2. A guy who is 2 years younger than me is also acceptable now.
        3. vegetarian and non smoker (social drinker is now acceptable)
        4. visa did not matter as long as he is in UK.
        5.educated family with solid financial background in India (yes this still stays the same because parents after all will have to deal with his parents in India, given we will be in UK. Oh the irony.)
        6. Any job will do (doesn’t even matter if he earns less than me or is a lot less educated than me because financial background of his parents is good in India)
        7.alright looking (left to me to decide once the guy passes the above)

        By this point **what did I want by now**
        – I read an excellent bog on this site which listed what educated modern women are looking for in their partners. I agreed with it 100%. As expected that list barely matches my parent’s list.
        – I am off shaadi.com too.

        ***Age 30**
        1. caste and religion still important.
        2. If his parents are in India then educated family with solid financial background in India as otherwise my parents cannot stand in their society
        (rest doesn’t matter anymore, as I am 30 and they are fed-up. Desperation has really kicked in).

        So, I didn’t bother looking outside because I wanted to please my parents and keep them happy given all the sacrifices they have made to get me to where I am today. In the meantime, I have had several breakdowns and arguments with them because of this issue. The independent part of me refuses to get married just for the sake of it and wants what was mentioned in the blog I refer to above . I have tried to explain numerous times SUBTLY over the years that my expectations are not the same as theirs, the idea they have religiously refuted. I have even use the line “for past 10 years I have made my own decisions on my life in another country, which by God’s grace have worked out fine. So they need to trust me on making this decision on my own life too”.
        Our relationship is not what it use to be. I have finally plucked-up the courage to inform them recently that they should now stop looking. I will let them know the day I will find someone. Whether they have got the message or not I don’t know. As expected they are furious.

        I am now open to meeting men non-Indian cultures especially given that now I find myself sharing more common things with them than the Indian counterparts (whether born in UK or in India) and dare I add to escape the “women oppressing Indian culture”.

        I hope this has given you some answers to your questions.

        Best wishes
        SW

        Like

        • SW,
          Thank u for the detailed reply.
          Still want to know how much pressure for marriage a Caucasian girl faces if any. Does it differ as per social /educational status?

          Like

        • @ Arun, 45% of the adult population in the U.S is single. So I don’t think there is any pressure from society. But not too many people want to be alone all their lives, so that pressure to find someone is there. But it’s not like in India where you’re treated as a rarity and people assume something’s not right just cos you’re single.

          Like

      • Hi Arun!
        I will try to give you an answer to your question. Here the pressure of society is not anymore an important factor in decision to have a marriage. Lack of education, absence of money will force a girl to stand on her feet and to go for marriage in early age. There are two options: or they will find a guy to offer them financial security or will make compromises ( means sex for money). In our society is not compulsory to marry and neither to have a kids. You can have kids to any age, when you decide that is the right time. If you are healthy you can have kids even to 40-42. You can have kids even outside marriage. Is not compulsory to be married to be qualified to be a parent. As about guys we all know that are less, all over the world, being so much eager to have kids. In conclusion is not any society pressure. Pressure is only in our minds or our souls. Some persons feel strange to have 30 and to don’t have a marriage and kids. Some are just enjoying the feeling of being free all the life. I don’t know much about what is happening in India but here is my opinion. New generation should try to change the actual situation. Your politicians winning elections based on caste and religion. Is not in their interest that arranged marriages to dissapear. Imagine intercaste and intercultural marriages, based on love. Caste sistem will be forever buried. Their advantages will go. They will work just to keep the sistem alive for their betterment. What new generation should try is to find a way to socialise, to create
        new rules, to understand that don’t do anything wrong to their
        parents if they choose for their lifes. They should try to don’t
        care about what others are saying and to focus on what they want. And society will adjust with the changes.

        Like

        • “Lack of education, absence of money will force a girl to stand on her feet and to go for marriage in early age. There are two options: or they will find a guy to offer them financial security or will make compromises ( means sex for money). ”

          I live in the UK and have travelled all over. This sentence is highly offensive to me on behalf of all women, caucasian or otherwise. You think if a girl here is not educated, she will either marry for money OR have sex for money? How ridiculous! Is this wisdom gathered from bollywood movies? Have you ever actually interacted with people outside your race? UK and most of the west offers high quality education for free (not like our municipality schools). Parents do not discriminate between girls and boys, so most get educated at least until the equivalent of Indian 10th/ 12th standard. Many choose not to study after that, and there are plenty of decently paid unskilled jobs in shops, malls, call centres etc that are open to them. If nothing else, the government offers help in form of unemployment benefits (money), housing benefits (rent), food stamps (vouchers), so even someone with no job or education can get basic necessities. Girls do not have only have the options of marrying or prostituting themselves!!

          Like

        • Dear Carvaka,

          I can’t reply to you so i will send a message in this way.

          First of all was a mistake in my sentence: Lack of education, absence of money will force a girl to don’t stand up on her feet….

          Second of all i am not indian so believe me that i know what i say. I was just trying to give reasons that will force a person to marry .

          I don’t say that all girls in these situations will do that, but are many that wants to have a better life and choosing one of the ways.

          Arun just asked about pressure for marriage abroad. Conclusion was that is no pressure from society part.

          Is n

          Like

    • Hi Arun,

      From my non-Indian friends(who are mostly Americans), the impression I get is that the expectation to get married exists. As in, friends and family make jokes, mostly friendly comments, etc. if you are above 30 and single, but no one will actually expect you to find a random stranger and marry them. If you are single, there is some peer pressure to put yourself out on the dating scene(and this can also be non-existent depending on your social circle), but nobody goes to the extent of imposing their choices on you or forcing you to make a decision. Marriage is still considered the normative state of being, the fairytale happy ending, but being single is accepted readily too. Of course if you belong to very liberal circles, marriage is not romanticized to begin with, but I feel that is equally rare in all parts of the world. In certain countries in Europe on the other hand, I have heard from people there that the expectation of marriage is virtually non-existent now. In France, there is a civil pact called PACs and Pacses are very common now. That’s my two cents based on what I know from non-Indians.

      Like

      • On the other hand, in India, you will be virtually ostracised and shunned if you have a daughter who is 30+ and single or divorced.

        After divorce, I have watched helplessly as my parents’ social circle becomes narrower and narrow. They’ve become very discerning about socialising with friends and extended family because they don’t want them asking prying questions about my divorce.

        It’s as if they’ve committed a grave sin by helping me leave an unhappy marriage that was driving me towards depression. Our society sucks, BIG TIME.

        Like

    • I (middle-European) never experienced pressure to marry. My parents kept telling me not to get married unless I’m really sure I want to spend my life with the guy – and I listened to them, seeing they got divorced. They kept saying I should date and have relationships, live with the guy for a while and see whether the relationship worked out in all areas of life. In fact when I told them at 27 that I wanted to marry my boyfriend, my mother still thought it was too early. My grandma, on the other hand, asked me when I was like 25 if I had any intention of ever getting married. But she asked it in a humorous way, without putting pressure on me. As far as I can tell, nowadays independent, educated people here have long live-in relationships and also have kids before they get married – if they get married at all. Of course you get the odd question about “don’t you think you should have kids soon” once you reach the magical thirties, but usually people respect your privacy. Or your decision not to have kids.

      Like

  14. What I do not understand is that how do people give in to pressure to compromise their whole life? Is it ok to get married to the wrong person and undergo a lifelong agony instead of remaining single?
    It is not just companionship. Our Society and parents have something of a sheep’s mentality. Since all girls/boys get married, hence you have to get married too. And baffingly, after a stage it does not matter to whom.
    In the end it comes down to courage. Do you have it in you to do what your heart tells you or will you cave in? It is a fork. A very simple straightforward fork. Am I oversimplifying it? I think not because that is what it comes down to in the end.

    Like

    • Amit, unfortunately in our society, there is an unwritten rule that ‘girls have to married (read at the right age) and stay married’. How can she stay single? Will she attain salvation if she stayed single and lived life on her own terms?. So there will always be pressure on parents to get their daughter(s) married at the right age. God save if the girl crosses 26. And soon a group of ‘well meaning’ friends and relatives will begin to offer free advice on how having an unmarried girl at home for too long is like ‘bearing a heavy weight on your chest’.
      I had a friend who got married last year when she was 38. She used to tell me that her mother was constantly told by her friends and relatives “don’t be so choosy about finding the right groom. Your daughter has to get married soon. So find ‘someone’ for her. She is getting old”. The fact that my friend was well-educated and was working here in Singapore was actually a major concern for the so-called free advisors. The mother was again asked “your daughter lives far away. What is the need for her to stay alone there and work? You are losing out on good offers”. My friend’s patience paid off and she is happily married now. My friend said her parents were under tremendous pressure until she got married.

      Another friend was also under tremendous pressure to get married. Her engagement had broken as she and her parents came to know that the boy was mentally unsound (when confronted, the boy’s parents and relatives shrugged it off and said “it was not a major issue. They were confident he would be ok if he got married. sick!). Her parents were surrounded by people who said “get her married off quickly now. Everyone in the community knows her engagement is broken. Do not be choosy now. You will have to okay even to widowers and divorcees”. So it was projected as thought it was my friend’s fault that the engagement was broken. You can imagine how much the parents would have be pressurized to find a suitable match for her. She was so stressed that she moved out of the city she was living in to distract herself. She used to write depressing mails to him and I used to tell her to be patient and focus on her career and not care about ‘what others think’. She said she was tired of dressing up and act as a ‘showpiece’ for many prospective grooms who ultimately rejected her because of her dark complexion. She is also happily married now. It is another story that her inlaws wanted a grandson and were extremely disappointed that she gave birth to a daughter. They do not talk to her.

      This was in 2007. I was wondering if the situation has changed for better. But going by the posts on this blog, unfortunately, girls still seem to be under pressure to get married at the right age, whether they like it or not. Sigh!

      Like

  15. >> Also ask “Why didn’t these women find a life partner by dating?”
    My experience – there just arent enough decent guys around even if you wanted to date. And given that the pool of eligible guys is so small, and avenues of meeting them so restricted; And a family’s honor, a girl’s place in society etc are all linked to her marriage – what’s a woman to do?

    Here’s what I faced at 28. Am guessing these women would’ve faced smthg similar
    – The pool of bachelors older than me – very sparse
    – I had better degrees and earned more, than most guys my age
    – I was well travelled, well read, thinking, independent woman. Most guys around me wanted someone who’d serve their parents, keep house, raise kids etc

    Like

        • Nish, replying to your later comment here. A 24 year old man with a 30 year old is a tough thing because I think one needs to grow up a lot more and see life before committing to anything more than a ‘I don’t know where I’ll be in a year, so let’s just take it day by day’ relationship. A 30 year old (woman or man, from my experience) is more interested in commitment (some form, not solely marriage), having done the day by day thing enough by then. Not social conditioning as much as life experience gaps.

          Also, much as I love men and do not male bash, maturity is a longer term thing with boys and men than girls and women. Girls are dragged up to women much before most boys to men…biologically and with respect to ‘responsibility’, another social construct that needs to be more gender insensitive.

          Like

        • I’ve observed that most Indian women, even liberal ones, prefer an older guy. This seems to change once they get into their late 30s though by which time most people realize they can’t please society for ever. But you’d struggle to find a single women who’s say 30 ready to date a 24 year old guy. Quite likely this is due to social conditioning.

          Like

        • “But you’d struggle to find a single women who’s say 30 ready to date a 24 year old guy.”
          Agreed. It is far more common in my culture to find older women dating younger man than in mainland India. I think it has more to do with social conditioning than Sangitha’s arguments about maturity. Even men who are otherwise mature and commitment minded face roadblocks when the woman they are seeing is older than they are. They get rejected for the age – plain and simple; the same way a lot of Indian men reject women for not being ‘traditional enough’.
           
          I wonder how not having better degrees or earning more than the woman influence a man’s desiribility as a marriage partner though.

          Like

  16. Anonymus raised a good point here. Marriages are institutionalised even in western societies, although people in the US, UK or Europe are rarely in a rush to marry since they have an abundance mentality when it comes to sex and romance. In South Asia and the Middle East, the marriage market is driven by a famine mentality. U have a number of (male) Indian friends who got married a couple of years ago, right after they found a stable job. Now they are regretting it because they realised only too late that they have been duped into incompatible marriages by their ‘little head’ and because of social/parental pressures. I am sure if gender mixing is de-tabooised in mainland India, marriages will happen later and there will be much less of a rush to get married by both men and women.
     
    While I agree with the article author’s gist, that women have it harder when it comes to marriage pressures, I disagree with the hunky-dory picture she has painted about the supposedly ‘freedoms’ of men. I live in Delhi and I have a lot of Haryanvi/UP-ite Jat friends, whose fathers would kill them if they find out their son(s) are drinking, partying and sleeping with women in Delhi. So I think the author is running into sampling bias here – comparing women of conservative societies with the freedoms of men in more urban, liberal societies. This is very biased and agenda based way of looking at things.
     
    Regarding the pressure, in the traditional arranged marriage societies, men are under immense pressure to get married as well. The timing differs – on men, the pressure mounts as soon as they find a stable job/income source. There is also far more control on men’s choices than women’s, given that most Indian parents have a vested interest in having a housemaid for themselves rather than a spouse for their sons. A lot of my abovementioned friends got married after their parents (usually mother) went into the emotional dramafest of feigining illess/disability so that their sons would marry someone they approve of. Does the blog author really believe that this is a happy situation for a man? Do some people really think that ALL men want docile, submissive housewives?
     
    In spite of that, the burden of resisting parental pressures seem to be on the men; while women are considered to be the ‘victims’ of family/social pressure. Even though it costs far more for a young man in the economic, job and dating market if he gets turned out by his parents.

    Like

    • I agree with you when you say, “I am sure if gender mixing is de-tabooised in mainland India, marriages will happen later and there will be much less of a rush to get married by both men and women.”

      “I live in Delhi and I have a lot of Haryanvi/UP-ite Jat friends, whose fathers would kill them if they find out their son(s) are drinking, partying and sleeping with women in Delhi.”

      From your statement, I am inferring that these Haryani/UP-ite Jat friends are drinking, partying and sleeping with women even. Do the female equivalents (sisters / potential-arranged-marriage-life-partners) of these men drinking, partying and sleeping with men in Delhi too? I

      Like

      • Excellent point O!

        Atheist India, I agree with you in part. I agree that we seem to be more condoning towards lack of rebellion from women and than men. When I encourage women not to give into social pressure or only marry when they find someone THEY want to marry etc, I get told ‘but I have to get settled’. We don’t challenge that nearly as much as men saying ‘but my mum wants a dil’. Empathy and support for these women (and men) is essential but we must tell them that they have to stand up for themselves if they want a change.

        However, we must also acknowledge that the Indian societal expectations are far more demanding from women than men. As O says, for every man who drinks/ smokes/sleeps around and thus ‘abuses’ limited freedom granted by ‘traditional’ parents, their sisters won’t even have access to those basic freedoms. We must acknowledge that no matter how bad Indian society gets for men, it is worse for their female peers, i.e. a dalit man is worse off than a brahmin but a dalit woman is the bottom of the totem pole. This is not a sampling bias. We cannot fix problems if we do not acknowledge them.

        Like

        • However, we must also acknowledge that the Indian societal expectations are far more demanding from women than men

          I think that’s a vast, sweeping generalization and I, for one, absolutely refuse to acknowledge any such thing.

          Indian societal expectations can be absolutely back-breaking for men, just as they can be for women. Oh, people may be more indulgent towards them when it comes to partying and drinking, but you are forgetting what happens when it comes to career. You are forgetting that men in Indian society are groomed to be primary breadwinners and providers in the same way that women are groomed to be perfect homemakers. From birth onwards, you are expected to educate yourself to the hilt, have a ‘stable’ career and get married immediately after, so you can have a couple of kids. The pressure can be immense. Even a mention of not having the ambition to get into that rat race can cause huge, melodramatic scenes. Male worth is measured by paycheck, much the same way as female worth is measured by domestic skills and looks.

          Woe betide if you choose a non-conventional career that doesn’t pay as well. Woe betide if you want to live your own life without chasing degree after Ivy-League degree. Woe betide if you want to sit back for a couple of years and take a sabbatical. Woe betide if you even mention your spouse supporting you for a bit while you pursue personal interests.

          Having a love marriage isn’t such an honorable option for men either. I personally went through drama after tiresome piece of drama created by my own parents when I refused to accept their ‘advice’ on marriage. I am not immune to the dark comments about how I got ‘spoilt’, about my supposed arrogance, to this date. Every third visit to my parents’ home is peppered by silly little potshots about me betraying my family by leaving the family business, by comments about how I am ‘sitting at home, doing nothing’ (I took early retirement from my day job and now focus on my family and managing my property/equity portfolio).

          There is nothing intrinsically wrong with Indian men which makes them actively seek stilted, unfulfilling lives with an unhappy spouse. They are brainwashed into it as much as their spouses are. They are straight-jacketed just as much. They are emotionally blackmailed by their parents every bit as much as women are. The ones who do not fall in line are derided and ridiculed.

          This is fact, this is the flip side of the same coin that is talked about so often on this blog.

          Most men, just like women are victims and not beneficiaries of patriarchy. They do get unearned privileges, but only at the cost of living pathetic script-written lives.

          No, I do not know who has it worse than the other, and I refuse to get into that kind of a contest. I’d prefer if we focused on overarching issues, as opposed to specific victimized groups and their relative positions on the totem pole.

          Like

    • “I am inferring that these Haryani/UP-ite Jat friends are drinking, partying and sleeping with women even.”
      Some of them. From what I have seen, the Jat guys who get laid are least likely to be concerned with their sister’s/other women’s sex lives. They are busy with their own lives to care about others’. But they are in the minority. The majority of Haryanvi/UPite Jats are desperate for lays but are either too poor or too unsophisticated to get any so they vent out their frustrations on what they call ‘loose’ women or the male friends/partners of these women.
       
      “Empathy and support for these women (and men) is essential but we must tell them that they have to stand up for themselves if they want a change.”
      Indeed, but compared to women, India is a very harsh country for men who have been turned out by their parents. So unless banks are willing to give loans and companies are willing to give jobs to young men without a ‘permanent address’ that they can verify; and women are willing to date a man who has trouble having a stable financial position because of these issues, the threat of disinheritance can be very real and be enough to dissuade men from defying their parents’ controlling behaviour.
       
      I find it oddly hypocritical when women blame men for not taking a stand against their parents’ dominating behaviour, and yet would rather moan and whine about their situation instead of taking a stand themselves. Life is not a cakewalk, for any gender. Any comparisons as to who have it worst is going to end up in fallacies and biases.

      Like

  17. “Why they didn’t find a partner by dating” is a questions with vaaarious answers that has nothing to do with pressure from parents or being isolated from people.
    People date, and for whatever reason, it doesn’t work out, or it does.
    Depends on the situation.
    There isn’t anything wrong with a person just cos they’re unmarried. So I find the question “why didn’t they find anyone” slightly offensive. Cos dating is a whole different ballgame altogether.

    In this blog, we discuss about people who don’t have the freedom of choice. But having the freedom of choice does not necessarily ensure a husband or wife. So go easy on us single people willya!🙂

    Like

  18. I know of this woman from a small town who ran her own parlour, attended 800+ weddings on contract, also ran a home-stay, looked after 2 siblings & her unemployed mom (dad had run back to his parents who had convinced him his family was after their property). Last Nov she was married off to this 35 yr old lazy, pot bellied man with zero social skill who is NEVER present at any family functions because of his job demands (supervisor at a small hotel), working 6 days a week-12 hr shifts. His mother acts as if she owns her DIL & forbids her from working. I have also witnessed her yelling at this DIL in front of others just because the DIL is telling all & sundry how dead bored she is cleaning, cooking & washing all the time!

    I took the liberty to ask her what made her marry into this family and she told me it was her age. She’s 31 who was forced by her uneducated mother to marry so the younger daughter who not face similar fate. She tells me she was forced despite her standing her ground. She also tells me she was extremely happy doing whatever she was doing, had a lot of friends, met people, travelled alone & managed the fiances.

    Please tell me what were her dating prospects in this case? No money for higher education, emotional blackmail from scared mother, younger siblings to look after, loser of a dad, burden of running a home at young age.

    Now she’s being forced by her MIL to get pregnant despite ALL of them sleeping in the same room! What kind of a monster is that MIL to want an independent woman for her lazy ‘aged’ son? How cruel a mother to force her daughter with threats. The DIL working would not only help the family financially but keep the house happy as well. They are less than a middle-class family living in a metro. I can see how much she hates it there. I hope she gets the strength to do something about this. I am sure she will seeing from where she comes & how she has coped with it all.

    Oh the son is a mute spectator & a wallflower for all his 6 feet 90kgs.

    Like

    • omg.! being forced to get pregnant.! how i wish rather than creating good cooks and home makers out of girls our indian parents would have given us a lil understanding about reproductive rights.! sigh.! 😦

      Like

      • B,

        Very much on planet Earth. Shocking eh?

        Here’s why- The lady waits for him to return home by 2am every single day as no one else in the family volunteers to do it occasionally because he is her husband & it is her duty to wait up for him regardless of how sleepy she is. Yet she is expected to wake up by 5am, immediately start off with chores, clean the house, freshen up, cook breakfast, wash clothes by hand- all of this believe it or not before the husband wakes up after his mandatory 8 hr sleep as he’s been so hard at work all day! The darling man who-as you insist works his ass off at work & its cool if he’s oh so tired- doesn’t even know where the kitchen is & expects his wife to serve him food & then eat. Imagine how hungry she must be after all that work.

        I also think bad health/pot belly in this case is one of the biggest signs of laziness. Else he should have been as energetic as the lady don’t you think?

        Like

  19. I’ve been following this blog for awhile now, and yet I am still amazed at the simple complexities of all of these issues. I have two conclusions: “Just Say No” (to pressure) and that sorry ladies, but it’s going to fall on you to change all of these things. Unfortunately, it seems as if the generation now will have to be the sacrificial lambs, if you will. It’s up to you all to refuse to marry people you don’t want to, or if you’ve already been sucked in, to divorce if you are unhappy, or treat your own children with respect, and not take ever notion of them to declare their independence as a slap in the face to all of the “sacrifices” you have made.

    Word to the wise: every parent around the world makes “sacrifices” for their kids. It’s kind of what parents do. It’s what they should do. After all, you didn’t ask to be here, did you? But every parent in the world doesn’t use these “sacrifices” to coerce you. In fact, all kids realize their parents made sacrifices for them, and usually WANT to give back to their parents out of love. However, this does not, and SHOULD not include letting your parents bully you into picking a spouse of their choice. That’s very selfish and self-serving behavior.

    Dating is hard. It is awkward. Any relationship (regardless of whither a marriage occurs at the end) is hard because it is a meeting of two minds, hearts, and feelings. But you put up the fight because you really want to find someone who compliments your soul.

    As you should. It’s your life. Live it the way you want to. Everyone has a choice. Few things are forced in this life. You might be forced to make a choice that isn’t popular. But it’s also your parents who have a choice to accept you for who you are, or not.

    Like

  20. I know. Why don’t they?

    If we want things to change for ourselves, we need to make it happen, no white steeds and knights in shining needed. It isn’t like those exist, men are much in the same boat on several levels…pressure on them is different and as intrusive as they ‘allow’ it.

    We can’t ‘allow’ or ‘be made to’…we do all this to avoid conflict, wanting to be liked by all. We need to say what we think when we need to, this is possible politely but firmly enough. Enough blaming – have education, will use it!

    Like

    • Absolutely Sangitha. The fact is that if you are an outlier — a liberal woman in a conservative society, then finding a mate who matches your ideals and belief system WILL be an uphill task.

      It would be the same if an American woman were to announce to her friends and peers that she wanted her parents to arrange a marriage and choose a man for her. Her decision would be met with equal consternation and social disapproval. Human beings everywhere have a herd mentality and a deep need to conform.

      Like

  21. Perhaps it is both family and societal pressure. Though, I won’t say that dating is easy, however I do feel it gives you more options to explore what you want. It’s hard to go against traditions that have been in placed for hundreds of years. But when those traditions are oppressive they have to adapt to the changing times or be done away with altogether.

    Like

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