A man needs to feel the sense of superiority in order to feel that he is the ‘provider’ in the relationship.

“Even though they are equals, a man needs to feel the sense of superiority in order to feel that he is the ‘provider’ in the relationship.”

What do you think is this article trying to convey? Do you think such views are  likely to be taken seriously?

Please note the use of these terms,

taming a tigress

an ego boost

hard to get women

a man needs

Men always look

sense of superiority

sense of acquisition

nurturing and flexible

Link shared by Anoosha Reddy.

Men are wary of Alpha women - TOI, Relationships

“…men try hard to date such women, simply because they are hard to get. Dating an alpha women increases the self confidence in a man and gives them an ego boost. It is more like ‘taming a tigress’ and gives the man a sense of acquisition. However, marrying them may be a concern as such women are more aggressive and dominating which usually causing conflicts in the relationship. Men always look for women who are rather nurturing and flexible. Or women who will look up to them. Even though they are equals, a man needs to feel the sense of superiority in order to feel that he is the ‘provider’ in the relationship.”

Related posts:

How can the society ensure that marriage (and homemaking) does not result in women becoming financially dependent on their husbands?

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59 thoughts on “A man needs to feel the sense of superiority in order to feel that he is the ‘provider’ in the relationship.

  1. Its just a point of view which may be correct to an extent, say 50-50. More so in Indian context. BUT there are many more issues attached.
    I have seen couples where a woman is working and guys sitting at home doing nothing ( and the way such women crib! ), then there are others where there is total harmony.
    Many youngsters these days are open to this scenario, I feel….
    I even saw an Ad in Matrimonial columns that the prospective be be a “central government employee” … guy was a small time businessman :)

    • //I have seen couples where a woman is working and guys sitting at home doing nothing ( and the way such women crib! )//

      These guys are doing nothing?? Do they have kids? Who manages the house work? Do they have social lives, extended families, in laws etc?

      • in the lower strata of the society there are a lot of drunk men who don’t do anything and their wives work as maids, in tailor shops etc. Because of the societal pressure\ the way our thinking is conditioned they stay with abusive husband. And there are a lot of couples like that. I am not sure about the rich people though.

  2. So much gender stereotyping…and this is coming from a clinical psychologist?!

    This was the worst…
    - Livi Koshy, Engineer: “It’d be a pleasure if a woman earns more than me considering she’d be paying the bills… She’s controlling? Consider me old school but that’s a strict no-no. But the alpha woman, with all her money, power and position who also finds time to cook and look after kids, who will bring food to the table. Also, who will drive me to work and back after a party, who will take care of the kids homework and wash clothes and do the dishes and clean the house, and bring me bed coffee every morning is the woman of my dreams.” What the guy actually wants and expects is a parent/maid/chaffeur/cook/childcare provider/doormat, not a life partner. And she’s supposed to find time to earn money when exactly?!?

    First? o.O

    • I think the shrink was just expressing what people think and not the way people should be.
      Don’t read too much into the article.- It is one of those space fillers that TOI publishes. There is no statistical evidence, I wont be surprised if the author wrote it sitting on her couch and the may have even quoted bits of the entire conversation with the shrnik (if the shrink really exists, that is :) )

      But i believe there is truth in what she says. Almost 90% of the Indian men i know would want their wives to earn less than them. Even the progressive, women-lib types who encourage wives to work want them to earn a little less than them. May be because men in India have grown up watching moms as housewives and fathers as bread winners. May be this will change in generations to come.

  3. What rubbish. A relationship is about mutuality, not power-over and if men need to feel that they have power-over the other person, they ought to get themselves housemaids, not life partners.

    I really don’t understand, are the men in this country so dogged by “mommy issues” that they can’t look past finding someone who can challenge them? Essentially, per the article, men need a replacement for mommy who will be as passive, pliant and relenting for them so they can continue to go about their lives exactly the way they were before they got married while the so-called partner bears the responsibility for everything!

    Sounds crude but do men want wives or the privilege of having a mommy-figure they can sleep and procreate with?

      • I agree, IHM. I’m also responding from a personal standpoint where I know many well-educated men and their wives as well, who married alpha women with the hope of taming them into submission and are now upset because these women will not act and treat them with the same reverence as mommy did for them.

        A lot of them now crib that it would have been better had they married someone who was less educated (therefore less confident and sure of herself), from a lower-income family than their own, precisely so they could be in that position of superiority over the women in their lives.

        The article is disheartening and the references seem coined (might just be a man propagating his own thinking and using other fabricated folks) but I have met and known people like these.

        • @Shereen – I’ve also come across men who marry submissive, docile girls just to be waited on hand and foot but later lose respect for their wives and act all superior! Some even openly flirt with other women!!
          With female friends they are easy-going, jovial, friendly.. but at home they treat their wives like anything but equals..

      • IHM, most of the Indian men feel this way.
        And this article is a filler. It is one of those articles which are churned out with super speed because a space is empty in the website.

    • I would go with mommy-substitute that they can sleep with and impregnate. ;)

      I think most men unconsciously model their image of the “ideal wife” and a “good” marriage on their parents marital relationship.

      Most women my mother’s age (55 and above)have either a parent-child relationship with their husband or one of subservience and dependence marked by formality and ego-stroking (when the wife wants something).

      I would call these marriages dysfunctional because an equal sharing of power and responsibilities seldom occurred.

      Yet many men have a sense of nostaligia about these “traditional” marriages — they think fondly of how every morning, their mother would lay out her husband’s clothes on the bed and breakfast on the table.

      • Biwo, I actually had one of my husband’s friends crib about his wife to me saying “why can’t she do for me what my mother did for my father”?

        Told him off instantly that my comparing the two most important women in his life, he was both insulting them and showing how little emotional maturity he has. Plus, I’m sure his wife would be more than willing to take care of their children in a nurturing way. He, is an adult and to expect her to treat him like mom would is just sick.

        Loved the silence that followed.

        • I think you made a mistake in understanding him. He does not want his wife to treat him like his mother treated him; but as his mother treated his father – her husband

          He wants his marriage to be same as his father

      • Also, scratching head and wondering HOW do men form the ideal image of a wife by equating it with their mother?

        Under all normal circumstances, I would think they experience their mothers as just that and they cannot possibly be clued into what the mother is, as a wife because they aren’t privy to the internal dynamics of their parents’ marital relationship.

        I get that men are conditioned to believe that if mommy takes crap from dad and that’s how he treats her then that’s possibly how, as a man, they must treat their wife and find basis in the fact that she is likely to act like mom.

        But, as adults to choose to cling to that childish worldview and insist on living with the same standards when a. you’re not the exact same person as your father b. your wife cannot possibly be the same person as your mother or come from the exact same circumstances as your mother; is ridiculous!

        One can choose to be a better adult than the legacy they carry. And yes, it is a choice. Always.

        • Yes, but men in our society are conditioned to think of what they’re “owed” by the wife, not vice-versa.

          How many times do sundry aunties convince a bashful bachelor to marry asap so he gets served hot, hot chapaties and has his clothes washed and ironed?

          I wonder if men actually sit down and wonder, “What kind of marriage does my wife want?”. At least, my ex never did. It’s all me, me, me with most men.

      • “Yet many men have a sense of nostaligia about these “traditional” marriages — they think fondly of how every morning, their mother would lay out her husband’s clothes on the bed and breakfast on the table”

        So true biwo!
        Those were the days when marriages were happy(convenient) and women knew their place..

  4. “Stereotypes develop and persist because they are useful. They reduce the tremendous complexity of the world around us into a few useful guidelines, which we use in our everyday thoughts and decisions.
    However, the simpler and more convenient the stereotype, the more likely it is to be inaccurate, atleast in part. – Stuart Oskamp
    (Rationalhub.com)

  5. I have a question here, why is being submissive considered an equal to being nurturing?

    I mean, when we talk of being liberal and are considering the man and the woman in a relationship as equal partners (which we hear very often before marriages) how can anything ever justify the desire of calling a nurturing partner being the one who never puts her opinion forth in any discussion leave alone an argument??

    Moreover, women are no game who needed to be hunted/ tamed. They are also human beings like men. BTW even hunting animals (by humans) for fun is cruelty, and here we are talking about half of the human population.

  6. If the gentlemen interviewed in this enlightening article bother to looked beyond their myopic viewpoints, they’d see that it is actually a total win-win scenario to partner with a woman who is not ‘submissive/nurturing/flexible’ per their definition.

  7. “It’d be a pleasure if a woman earns more than me considering she’d be paying the bills… She’s controlling? Consider me old school but that’s a strict no-no. But the alpha woman, with all her money, power and position who also finds time to cook and look after kids, who will bring food to the table. Also, who will drive me to work and back after a party, who will take care of the kids homework and wash clothes and do the dishes and clean the house, and bring me bed coffee every morning is the woman of my dreams.”

    Is this guy real? So he wants a super successful woman who will pay all the bills, but never ever be ‘controlling’ – basically still be the doormat his mother is, cook and clean, look after the kids, drive him to work, and when he’s drunk after a party (she of course won’t drink), will drive him home, then have a merry romp with him in bed and will then wake up at the crack of dawn to serve him coffee in bed. A proper bhartiya naari – but who also earns mega bucks and drives. And what does the guy do? He doesn’t need to do anything – he has a cook, maid, driver, nanny, companion without lifting a finger and without spending a penny. In fact he is getting paid for it – obviously he controls her money.

    Sick, sick, sick.

      • Such imbecilles unfortunately exist. I have met men like that. After all, even my father is like that. He doesn’t expect my mother to drive but that is because he belives she “can’t” drive. When in reality, the irnoy is that my mother was the one who encouraged by father to learn driving. (He coluldn’t till he married my mum. Hadn’t even ridden a bicycle.)
        What does my father expects of a woman? (Not an ideal women, mind you. A woman. Men in India seem to believe there are two types of women- “real” women and “bad, lazy” women) He expects her to cook all the meals according to HIS tastes even if the rest of the family hates his food choice, or cook diff food for everybody, clean house everyday herself, earn, get home and not take a nap, not to go shopping- EVER, not buy jewellery or anything expensive even if she wants to buy it off HER earned money, he should decide what to do, take care of my father’s parents, pay bills and do other chores herself.
        And also raise children, do our homework. He would probably want her to repair things too, but he just believes she “can’t”.

        My father is of course not a misogynist and none of the things he WANTS happen. He cooks a meal per day, my mother is REALLY lazy- she never cleans the house- she does clean the utensils though. She never does extra chores like buying groceries, paying bills, etc. She also doesn’t pay a lot of attention to us. and she beat us as children..etc.

        My mother and father are both normal people who want the best for themselves. But the difference is that my father has undue expectations of my mother- and when she doesn’t fulfil them, he says she is a bad woman, a bad wife, a bad mother, a bad dil.

        I grew up with my father basically posioing my ear about my mother. He would do what she said and then come and crib to me about it. It left such an impression that till date, I have a very bad relationship with my mother because for a long time I kept wishing she were sacrificing like other mothers in India.

        Don’t we all do this to our mothers too? Even girls? I wondered how she could eat the food before the children and give us stale food or food that had expired but refuse to eat it herself.. i wondered and hated her for not being perfect.

        But I wonder now how different my relationship would have been if I had had a realistic view of women as a kid. If I had known that it was OKAY TO BE A WOMAN AND BE SELFISH.. Okay for a mother to NOT be nurturing and selfless. We could have been friends. Because she does have my good interests at her heart.

        Social conditioning messes us up.

      • For hits. If they wrote a glowing account on so called ‘alpha’ women then they won’t get so many hits. But if they write re-emphasising the Indian stereotypes, they’ll get a lot of hits from the usual suspects.

        This could have been a really good article had the author given insight into the lives of some our women CEOs. She could have interviewed ‘real’ couples where the partners have successful careers and given an insight into the family dynamics. If she had really done that it would be clear to her that in such a successful ‘family’ it’s all about balance and mutual respect. It would also be clear that the men who have wives who are more successful (in terms of money and position) are absolutely cool and proud of their partner’s success – simply because they themselves are so secure about their individuality. A series of articles in this vein, on a widely-read newspaper can be a powerful agent to change people’s thinking – esp the younger lot.

        but alas…as a newspaper social responsibility is not their goal (irony)! I doubt if the ‘author’ of this piece – am sure a glistening fresher – would have moved her ass to actually get in touch with anyone. And why the hell do I need a clinical psychologist to talk about alpha woman? Anyway a ‘fake’ doctor byte – the psychologist in this article sounds like those ‘fake’ forensic doctors in our crime serials who stand in front of test tubes with coloured, bubbling water – followed by an ‘interview’ with four or five of her facebook friends…the editor passes the article.

        • Completely agree with you.
          I stopped reading the newspaper after seeing one misogynist article after another. There will be one occasional article in favor of women just to show that they are not anti-women, but it will be outnumbered by hundred other lurid pictures of naked women on the landing page (online), poorly written (grammatical errors, bad English). Some of the stories are so obviously made up and contrived, they are disgusting. Based on their comments sectionI have seen in the past, It is clear to me now that their readership is made up largely of insecure misogynist males who need a place to vent their frustration with the progress that women are making in the world. And the less said about the language used in the comments, the better. I am not surprised that they do not censor the vile comments – obviously the management supports such misogyny.

      • They post trollish made up articles copied from british and american newspapers to get hits from bored people who want to waste time online. They more they troll the more worked up people get and more hits they get.

      • IHM, if you look at the front page of the TOI website, you will get your answer. It looks like a porn website and the articles are equally shabby. It is only to gather hits.

        • Hugh Hefner should make a play for the Toiletpaper of India. If will go nicely with Payboy. At least Playboy has carried some brilliant writing over the decades (Norman Mailer for instance), the ToI has failed to even do that.

  8. And since when does greater income necessarily mean more success/more intelligence/talent etc.? Most of the comments indicate this assumption. Hence if a wife earns less, she is not as successful as her husband? Or vice versa?

    • It’s not just about greater or any income implying talent/success. After all, just because a lot of women are housewives while the men are the breadwinners, doesn’t mean that either gender is “more” than the other.

      The article is badly researched and disappointing in it’s assumption that alpha women, by virtue of being capable of holding their own whether at home or work, or having independent opinions aren’t “good enough” because they don’t subscribe to most men’s typical world view.

  9. The reactions of these “alpha women” is interesting. The men who were interviewed seem to be under the assumption that if a woman out earns them, that means she’s going to want to control the relationship. There’s this fear that I don’t quite understand. In the United States, there’s a book that was released about 4 months ago titled The Richer Sex, which predicts that women in the US (possibly the UK) will be the breadwinners within the next decade or so. Unsurprisingly some people are in a panic over this. I guess I just don’t understand this fear of how just because women are earning more money at record numbers it means that we’re going to want to control everything.

    • Renkiss, that’s easy. Men fear this will happen because for centuries, they’ve been using financial dependence or rather financial oneupmanship over women.

      It’s easier to believe that when women are as empowered, it will be a panic inducing fight for control of one gender by the other. Who cares about the fact that women might just enjoy their self-reliance enough to not want to be with men. Oops, that’s the second issue that’s causing possible panic because who will men and the ilk then, control?

    • The fear is justified — men have always used their economic power to their advantage in marriage. As you pointed out in the preceding thread, the insitution of marriage is primarily (and historically) an economic arrangement. As women become breadwinners, many may fear that they will use their economic power to control and dominate, just as men did.

  10. I’m going to give an example to show that such men do exist and moreover find wives.. sad so so sad.

    My cousin is an engg and quite bright but boring, he wakes up, eats , takes the dabba my aunt packs , goes to work, comes back inthe eve, eats, watches TV, eats again and sleeps. this is his general routine. oh maybe he’ll go up to the terrace to walk or chat if some friend shows up. he is th eonly child ( child???) stays with his parents and when he hit the ripe old age of 27 his parents wanted to find him a girl. now he’s ok looking but needs to loose some wt. They ( yes they…) wanted a girl who will stay with them, well educated ( as in atleast engg/pg) and who can work is she wants but something from home, no point struggling in bad traffic ( acco to my aunt) and a general susheel ladki who would get up and help MIL and get pooja stuff ready fro FIL etc., generally be MIL’s handy helper and chamcha.:-) and I’m assuming also provide sexual services to this boring man at night. when i heard about the girl search from another cousin we both laughed and told my husband this guy was probably going to die single since there was probably no city bred, well educated , well off girl who was going to agree to such nonsense.

    But lo and behold, he had quite a choice, this slightly fat boring fella actually rejected women based on their weight!!!!!!!!! and yep got married to a sweet sweet girl , BE and an MBA and within 2 yrs now is the proud daddy to a baby bopy. Aunt directs the mom on how to raise the kid ( the aunt is no expert, her only son was raised by her parents and in-laws — both related) but still per indian kalachar age apparently bestows wisdom , educateion etc., etc., aunt is only 55 so the DIL can look forward to quite a few decades of misery. they went to kulu manali for their hineymoon ( 3 days) and that was it, ohh i asked her what movie she saw last with her husband and soher MIL overheard and the next weekend sent them to a movie :-) can’t look like a bad MIL you see. she accompanies aunt to all functions etc., and aunt actually tells everyone she helps the dil dress .. oh so loving !!!

    now where is empowerment, where is independence, is the girl happy, i don’t know. i only know she’s controlled. if she’s not happy what is she going to do? what can she do? her parents never let her work. so she couldn’t just go off be penniless and find a job. she did get picked in campus she told me , her dad ripped out the interview card since she didn’t need to work… we can talk all we want about empowerment but for that we need GOOD parents, not parents controlled by society. it is VV IMPORTANt to educate the current generation of parents and children. te power lies in the parents hand, they MUST want happiness for their daughter instead of a place in society.

    • Your cousin must be in husbandly heaven. An educated wife who’s not allowed her education to interfere with her ability to be an adarsh, sanskari bahu.

      Life’s good for him till the time the wife begins to extract her pound of flesh in the time-honored manner perfected by Indian mothers. Turn the son into a surrogate husband because the real husband couldn’t climb out of his mommy’s lap.

      • I don’t know how she will be with her son but my couin seems to think this is a marriage and she proves him right. No amount of me screaming about her rights to happiness is going to make a dent in their lifestyle. Atlet not for another 8-10yrs till discontent hits her. By then it will be too late

        • Exactly Radha, most women spend the first 5-8 years of their married life trying very hard to be “good wives and DILs” because we’ve been brainwashed so badly that we don’t even think of marriage being a mutual affair.

          Growing up, as I gradually realised that one day, I too would be married, I began to began to try and master all kinds of things I saw my mother and her friends do.

          This list was long indeed — learning how to cook, be a good hostess, to lay a table and serve others while they ate, learning to help around in the kitchen, leaning to tidy the house and quietly listen respectfully as elders rambled on. Learning to fuss over guests when they came over. Oh I forgot, learning to be beautiful, because of course a good wife had to be well-dressed and not have lipstick smears on her teeth. :)

          All this self-motivated preparation was in addition to trying to develop my own personality and sense of self and work towards professional education.

          Eventually I realised that that the need to be independent and chart my own course clashed with the expectations men had from a wife. I could either be independent and my own person, or be somebody’s wife and DIL.

          This is ultimately the dilemma that all middle-class educated women in my age cohort and socio-economic strata struggle with.

          They realise that while they have an education and financial independence, prevailing social situations force them to be less than what they aspire and dream of, give up a little more, dream a little less.

      • “because the real husband couldn’t climb out of mommy’s lap” So very well put.
        99.9% of Indian men are surrogate husbands to the mothers. And the mothers and sons are so ignorantly proud of this relationship.

        • Yes Shailji, it’s a vicious cycle. A dysfunctional marriage and skewed power dynamics makes women seek emotional intimacy from their sons. Such men idolise their mothers and cannot displace her mental image in adulthood.

          When such men marry, the new wife and DIL is regarded as an intruder and interloper and resented both by the husband and the MIL who’re quite happy in their Oedipal diad.:)

    • //”we can talk all we want about empowerment but for that we need GOOD parents, not parents controlled by society.”

      And that says it ALL. Parents, parents, parents! That’s where it starts. They are the ones who can help bring the change.

  11. This whole article is just crap. And that whole quoting the “clinical psychologist” thing is nothing but an attempt to lend credence to the nonsense they wish to espouse. It will be quite successful in fooling naïve people, who’d take the clinical psychologists’ personal opinions for facts. Although I know a lot of people who keep spewing this bullshit of how men’s ego need to be massaged constantly I find it funny how people fail to notice the irony when they use equality (between men and women) and superiority(something that men crave and need for survival, women must submit and such notions) in the same sentence.
    And as you all have already noticed…It’s simply a play on stereotypes, the article just wants to reinforce the already existing status quo and sad thing is that a lot of people will actually accept it, nod in agreement, and will never question it.

  12. Well, I am obviously pissed off with all this crap. This is e-mail from my husband when I sent this article to him

    My Dear Alpha-woman:

    These things should never bother you until and unless I am like that. Please stop reading such articles when you are at work to maintain the sober moments that you might get. And yes, I do definitely love cooking for you. Crux- stop wasting time and get back home early!

    Love,
    XXXXX

    Comment from a friend:

    me: I am obviously pissed off with this article
    IS: Because this is crap, Why r u even reading this? Get a book rather!
    me: I wonder if he wants a money making robot, who can do all things around in the house
    IS:Chill baby.. I was drunk when I wrote that article.. One hell of a weak moment.
    me: LOL! Your whole life is made up of such weak moments :P
    IS: Alright, Thank you! screw that dumbass who wrote this. :D

  13. The guy I am married to is like that. :( It’s been 2 months now that we got married. I am facing pressure to call him “yevandi” (Telugu name that women used to call their husbands) instead of his name from both his mother and mine.(He wants me to call him that too. But, I told him I will call him by his name and he SAID he was OK with it, but I have a feeling he wants me to call him yevandi too) Till now, have not caved in. He expects me to cook for him and SERVE him the food in his plate, forget him helping me cook. (me asking him to help led to a BIG, HUGE argument) and sleep with him whenever he wants to – whether at that moment I want to or not. And the killer part – If I say no, he will stop talking to me. For DAYS. And it gets funnier… after not talking to me for days…one day when he thought i was asleep, I felt him lift my blanket planning to do God knows what. I turned around in surprise (remember days of not talking to me) and he just looked embarrassed and walked out of the room. Am I just a body to him???!!!!

    Once, in revenge for saying No, he pinched me on my thigh – not in a sexual way, but to hurt me. Also, once I told him I was too tired. And his response? What have you done to get tired? Really? What have I done while you sat on your ass watching TV? (!!!!)

    He keeps trying to order me around (I say try because till now i haven’t “obeyed” his orders.)

    When he asked me to make him coffee, i told him to make it himself. which he did. Then he went and complained to my mother that I asked him to make his own coffee. (I do make coffee for him when I am making it for myself – I just told him that I wouldn’t specifically make it for him)

    And his mother – she expects me to cook in the morning breakfast and lunch. then come home from office and cook dinner again – so that her precious son doesn’t eat stale food. What about me coming home tired? What about the days when I have to work late? (Again, he will not do anything) Btw, he KNOWS cooking. He HAS cooked previously. He just wont cook now that he has a “wife”.

    I know it’s just been 2 months of marriage, but I am seriously considering divorce.

    This has become another big issue. I told me mom and she is threatening to kill herself. (Her favourite dialogue whenever I do something she doesn’t like). Or another of her tactics – she told me the other day “Oh your father and I, we are just like 2 dead people” – I was like “You’ve got to be kidding me! Here I am struggling with this misogynistic, chauvinistic, sadistic guy wondering whether to be with him or leave him! I really can’t deal with this drama right now. I have enough problems in my life.”

    But again, 2 months is too soon for divorce isn’t it? I keep telling myself that he has been “socially conditioned” to have certain expectations from his wife. I need to give him some time to unlearn that stuff. But, on the other hand, I am miserable with him. I am not willing to struggle for years while he slowly learns to see me as a human being.

    What to do? I know compromise is needed in a relationship, I know we need to make an effort to make a relationship work. But, I can’t even respect this guy! Forget love him.

    • Had I not known better, I would have said it’s too soon to consider divorce. Here’s my two cents though:

      You and only you know what you go through in that household, how it feels to be passive-aggressively treated and be subject to silent treatment because you didn’t say/do the right thing.

      He’s pinching you today, taking his first steps to inducing pain to get you to do what he wants. He has complete disregard for your sexual needs and only cares for his own and yes, in my eyes, forcing either partner for intercourse when they’re not ready is marital rape and abuse. He is not entitled to your body because he’s your husband.

      What would you tell your best friend, if she had written your post and asked for your advice?

      You deserve to be loved and treated with dignity and respect for being exactly who you are. Don’t let anyone tell you different.

    • Sarkywoman, you have two choices. Either leave this apology of a man and get on with life. Or accept who he is unreservedly and work towards changing those aspects that are comparatively easy to change.

      We cannot change people and can only accept who they are and then do what we can to improve the situation. Or we can cut ties with them and move on.

      People can change with time IF they are amenable to change and WANT to change. You have to ask yourself if you are willing to take the risk and wait it out. Ask yourself if you can be patient and extract small victories over the next several years.

      Your husband appears to have an insecure and fragile ego which constanly needs reassurance. If you have the emotional skills and maturity to deal with such complexity, then you can consider giving your marriage a shot. He will most definitely refuse marital counselling but you can begin counselling for your own emotional health.

      I’ve gone through something similar. I spent three years deciding whether to divorce my ex or not. I separated after six months of marriage and divorced three years later.

      I divorced him because I could not accept him the way he was and knew it was futile to expect him to transform himself into an egalitarian, liberal, considerate husband given how traditional and conservative his outlook and upbringing was.

      I did not want to spend the next thirty years locked in a ceaseless tug of war with my back to the wall. Follow your instinct and you’ll do just fine.

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