Who would you never ask for advice?

Who would you never ask for an advice or an opinion? And why?

How would you react to being judged when you seek advice/opinion?

Would you mind if the one offering advice expects you to follow their advice?

Or if they expect you to accept their opinion as the final opinion on the subject?

So what do you look for when you do seek either advice or an opinion?

No judgment?

A discussion about how the advice-giver feels about the subject?

A discussion that helps you see (maybe with more clarity) what you feel about the issue?

A list of possibly available options?

Support?

Acceptance?

Being allowed to disagree and make up your own mind?

Being allowed to vent without judgment?

Being supported in making up your own mind?

Criticism?

Objective criticism? (if any)

Who do you think is best suited to take the final decision for you? (Or for any adult) Why?

Have you ever regretted asking someone for an opinion? Why?

29 thoughts on “Who would you never ask for advice?

  1. People I would not ask for advice –

    MRAs (the misogynist ones – a large majority)

    Patriarchs

    Radical Feminists (no offence, really. My views differ a lot – I don’t think I’ll find their views helpful, but I dunno. Some views of mine are radical but I’m referring to Radical Feminists – as in Liberal Feminists and all that – feminists who follow a particular thought in feminism).

    I would feel disgusted and is the reason I wouldn’t ask for advice from the above groups – all people (who are from those groups) I’ve met are judgmental.

    Yes.

    Yes.

    Simply that. An advice or an opinion. Not dictating what I should do.

    No judgment

    Not most of the times. Sometimes that’s helpful. Esp when they are non-judgemental people.

    Yes

    Yes

    Yes

    Yes

    Yes

    Yes

    Yes

    Sometimes. Again, if they are non-judgemental. I don’t want criticism like “you shouldn’t have worn that when I tell someone about sexual harassment. Basically, non-judgemental. I guess that comes under “objective criticism”.

    Me.

    Because its my life and my decision.

    Yes, all those “holier-than-thou” “you’re a woman” people. Of which there is an abundance in India.

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  2. I am surrounded by people who give me advice when I don’t ask for it. Somehow, I am treated as immature and nothing beats their experience. Because of this, I hardly every speak about my problems with them. I don’t even discuss the problems I have resolved because they always say they would have done it better. Not differently, but better – meaning I simply can’t come up with the right solutions.
    And then there is this whole “you are supposed to do this because you are a woman even if it is unfair”.
    What I expect from someone who I ask for suggestions is to basically listen me out, ask me questions (about the nitty-gritties, options) and help me separate the strands from the knot so I can see a clearer picture, play the devil’s advocate and tell me what flaws they see in my solution, and finally let me take my decision. And if it isn’t too much, be the shoulder I can cry on.
    I might make a mistake but at least it is not on someone else’s advice. I am never going to learn unless I take decisions, make mistakes and learn from them.

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  3. I will never ask those who are rigid (now for the thumbs downs.. I will not ask people who are Feminists and Maleists.. The ones who keep harping on and on and on and onnnnn about how men/women are this and that etc etc , Because I strongly believe that these people are TWO faced, inside their own house , behind closed curtains or doors they behave differently.. and people who go on and on and onnn OVER one thing CAN never do good for anyone.)…

    On the other hand I have been brought up with the view and my Dad’s famous words and saying always , SUNO SABKI – KARO APNI.. No harm in asking , ask as many , take all that they have to say BUT then SIT and Do what your heart says and use your own mind and DO THAT ..

    And that is what I follow right or wrong .. they are MY decisions and I will either regret them or have fun time .. BUT they will be MINE.

    Yes I have regretted asking sometimes from someone , Hence the FIRST paragraph to this comment , I was given a huge lecture on how women suffer and My question was not even related to anything remotely to that..

    Best suited to take a decision- YOU.. yourself how can anyone else take a decisions for you, they are not in that situation, they can try to be , BUT ITS your decision ALWAYS..

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      • he he …Bikram for getting a lecture on Femnism😛
        SUNO sabki and Karo apni is not that easy though , sometimes if we hear a certain thing too many times , it kind of mould our though process . Like if 100 relatives come and tell you that you should have got married at certain age , you also start believing them subconsciously or there is at least some kind of inner battle get triggered . I do say ” pay and get professional advise” if its really an important decision . make informed choices and keep different people for different topics . Your best friend may not be your professional counselor and a your colleague may not be a suitable person to ask for relationship advise.

        And we do want people to non-judgmental most of the time but it’s not possible , people do get to provide advises based on their limited knowledge and experience and they can be flawed .

        I do not like talking with extremists, pessimists . also , people who are emotionally too attached to you may not be best people to help you through personal emotional situation.

        Do i offer advises ?? May be sometimes if requested and only to selected few …I mind my own business and don’t mind telling people to mind their own.

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        • preetidutta:- Well it works for me , for i live in UK and I have NO relative here ..🙂

          And same here I don’t give advice to anyone as I am not qualified but I will stand by you right or wrong🙂

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      • Ashwathy – Well Its my FACE it bring the worst out of people🙂 as you can see half the people have given thumbs down.. Although I am not sure what wrong have i written🙂

        I bet if I say sky looks blue today.. Or that black color looks BLACK.. people will press the thumbs down , just cause its my FACE🙂 he he he he

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  4. I am always open to any advice. I like to observe how differently people think on the same matter. I don’t necessarily act on someone else’s advice. I still do whatever I want todo anyway. I just like to have a second opinion. But again, I only seek advice when I am not sure. Things I am sure about, I just do it. Nowadays I ask myself for answers when something bothers me, but still I am open to hear what others think of the same issue.
    More often than not, people who have genuine advice are very succinct. People who are not sure, just go on and on.. but they still advise. I tune out immediately. I have also come across people who are way too sure of something that is plain “wrong”. I always stay away from these kind. Some offer free advise without even asking, it’s more of their opinion actually. That bothers me, especially after I have acted on something. I get all defensive. Then I remind myself that it’s not my problem, it’s theirs!

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  5. Ideally, I would never ask any advise to the following –
    1. People having egos bigger than the love for “near and dear” ones.
    2. People who won’t take any responsibility of words they have uttered, promises they have given or actions they have performed.
    3. People who think they can expect anything from their sons AND their “daughters”-in law. Even if that causes a disaster in others life. People who want what they want at ANY cost.
    4. People who like to dominate and roar to make their point visible and audible. Or people who like to threaten (suicides!) to make their point visible and audible.
    5. People who like to gossip in the most heinous ways and like to backstab at any opportunity they get.
    6. People who are dishonest and selfish. Who think there is no world out there beyond their wishes. People who have only such wishes that can be fulfilled by others.. not by themselves.
    7. People who do all this in the names of tradition, culture, responsibility.
    8. I wouldn’t ask advise to people who have already made up their minds. Who have some vested interest in the outcome of discussion.

    BUT..
    The truth is, I can NOT behave this way even if I am dying to. Everyone at my husband’s house (except him) is EXACTLY what I wrote above. In my life, the gap between what I believe in and what THEY want me to believe in is ever expanding. For me, I don’t have much choice left. I thought I had, but I was misled by everyone. Unless you call a “choice” to say “yes to everything”, a choice.

    When the son is in his mother’s womb, he has to make a silent promise. I think it includes –
    – not agreeing to disagree, always succumbing
    – not thinking logically where the parents are involved
    – growing up to become a culturally sound, obedient, son who would put his parents “wishes” on the top.
    He must make and fulfill such promises and then many more.

    Girls make these silent promises not to their own parents, but to their husband’s parents.. when they get married! So the “choice” of choosing to discuss your problems or asking for advise is not really existing. Our culture doesn’t allow it.

    Most people are so busy fulfilling “responsibilities” of being good son and good daughter-in-law, that we don’t get time to answer the questions you asked in your post, IHM.. nor do we have any courage left. They are all too inconvenient at least to me. Because all I know are theoretical answers.. answers/believes that I don’t live by. It is way toooo convenient and practical and “good for everyone in the family” if I keep double standards.

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  6. 1Who would you never ask for an advice or an opinion? And why?
    People who get worried when one take their advice. Because then they wouldnot give their original opinion. Can’t trust them.(with advices or opinions that is)

    2. How would you react to being judged when you seek advice/opinion?
    I would not like it. Depends on who says though. If it is some i know I might tell it to their face.

    3.Would you mind if the one offering advice expects you to follow their advice?
    Yes

    4.Or if they expect you to accept their opinion as the final opinion on the subject?
    Definitely Yes, I would mind.

    5.So what do you look for when you do seek either advice or an opinion?
    Perspectives

    6.No judgment?
    Obivously.

    7. A discussion about how the advice-giver feels about the subject?
    Very much Thank you

    8. A discussion that helps you see (maybe with more clarity) what you feel about the issue?
    Definitely

    9. A list of possibly available options?
    Will be obliged

    10. Support?
    Not necessarily

    11. Acceptance?
    Not necessarily

    12 Being allowed to disagree and make up your own mind?
    Yes

    13. Being allowed to vent without judgment?
    Preferably, Actually Yes

    14 Being supported in making up your own mind?
    Not a requirement.

    15. Criticism?
    Maybe but not in a holier than thou fashion.

    16.Objective criticism? (if any)
    Yes. but in a nice way

    17. Who do you think is best suited to take the final decision for you? (Or for any adult) Why?
    Self. Only i know my limitations and the responsibily for my life lies with me only. whether I make the decision or somebody else takes the decision for me.Then better the person who makes the decision be the one who has to live with it.ofcourse the person should be willing to take responsibilty for any decision he/she takes.

    18. Have you ever regretted asking someone for an opinion? Why?
    Yes. It was later used to prove that I was not serious about a decison as i had “doubts”.’ else why would i ask????’ Didnot make a difference, but it became a bit more difficult to convince.

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  7. I’m open to advice from most people. That being said, I like advice when I ask for it – few things are more obnoxious than unsolicited opinions! As for being judged – everybody’s being judged, whether or not they’re aware of it. So many people will just smile to your face and begin nattering about you the moment you’re out of earshot – personally, I deal with that by pretending to be deaf. Works for me, works for them, and neither of us has to waste our time.

    It’s automatic to expect things, but I don’t think it should be attached to advice, however appropriate that advice might be. With the whole expectation of having the person you advised follow your advice comes ‘I told you so’, and I firmly believe mistakes are one’s own to make. You can imbibe advice from all corners, but at the end of the day, the decision, errant or otherwise, is yours to make (or not).

    In my opinion, most decisions in life have to ultimately be taken on one’s own (exceptions for people with spouses, large families, or a similar living situation). I think it’s best to sit down, list out the pros and cons of a potential decision, then weigh those and see if they affect any other part of my life. If I’m still unsure, I sit down for a pow-wow with those I consider closest to me, people I know have my best interests at heart, and have an open discussion. In some ways, that’s better – they may have a perspective on an issue that I am unable to see. This way, I also avoid judgement – when you’re with people close to you, there is no room for any. (Also a reason why I avoid opening up to people I don’t know very well, though that may be another issue🙂 )

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  8. I don’t take advice any more from anyone – end up pushing back very politely. When I want to get a second opinion, I ask my friends, give them the background and then ask them what they think very specifically. Even this is on a very restricted basis – few close friends only.

    I didn’t use to be this way, was more open and got bitten. People think that people who request advice are clueless and incompetent. So I keep my back and forthing to a small audience who will not treat me as an imbecile ever after.

    Some things I have learned to look for when taking advice, esp. on parenting: life experience on top of some experience with kids who are not textbook. When we keep quiet and listen, people give away their positions and prejudices….we then know not to talk to them on issues like adoption or our positions on things like religion, reservation or class/caste/social equity.

    Those who judge either feel insecure themselves or have not faced enough in life – the sheen of smugness is still intact. Esp. young people without kids on kids and parenting, people who make sweeping generalizations don’t have much useful info for me. Judgmental? Yeah…except I keep away, quiet and don’t give unsolicited advice or battle them on their positions.

    Also take stuff from people with good intentions….intentions matter the most at the end of the day to me.

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  9. I am in general known for not taking advice of other people. Earning me tags like stubborn. Not that I mind. And there are a VERY few decisions I have regretted. The reason I dont generally ask/seek advice is because behind every decision and action I have a thought process (which is almost every time driven by reasoning and not by emotions). And most often than not, that thought process seems very logical or justified to me (at that point in time). And hence I just go ahead and do that. Many a times, after doing a particular thing, I do ask my mom, sister, husband or a close friend on what they think about it. And I do get their feedback. Sometimes, I agree and sometimes I dont. But then, this is feedback and not advice per se.
    There are some occasions when I go and do ask for suggestions. Especially if I am not too sure about my thought process for that particular action. These suggestions sometimes clear things up and sometimes complicate things. The only people I voluntarily go to for suggestions include my mom, younger sister, husband and few close friends. And the main reason I go to these people is because I know they will give me advice but will not force anything on me.
    Now, there are some occasions when I do get un-asked for advice (sometimes from people that matter to me and sometimes from total strangers). All this advice is fine and does not affect me as long as I know these people are not expecting me to agree to their advice and follow it. The problem I have is with people who give advice (asked or unasked) and at the same time expect me to follow it even though I might not agree to it.

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  10. Who do you think is best suited to take the final decision for you? (Or for any adult) Why?

    After all opinion taking and considertaion I think Its me who should take the final decision of myself…

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  11. Who would you never ask for an advice or an opinion? And why?
    — It is a very rare occasion. Mostly someone I know very well. If I am having a tough time making a decision because of too many options I do ask what the others have done, so I have a better idea of what worked for them and why.
    How would you react to being judged when you seek advice/opinion?
    — I dont go for advice to them ever again.
    Would you mind if the one offering advice expects you to follow their advice?
    — Yes I do mind, which is why I rarely go to ask advice. I Like to have the choice to make my own decision to follow or not.
    Or if they expect you to accept their opinion as the final opinion on the subject?
    — I accept it as their Final Opinion on the subject, Not mine. If there are fall outs so be it.
    So what do you look for when you do seek either advice or an opinion?
    — Usually a different point of view, something I am not seeing or wasnt seeing.
    No judgment?
    — They can judge, but that will be the end of my asking advice from them.
    A discussion about how the advice-giver feels about the subject?
    — Sometimes.
    A discussion that helps you see (maybe with more clarity) what you feel about the issue?
    — A complete Yes!
    A list of possibly available options?
    — This too as I mentioned earlier.
    Support?
    — I dont look for support as that always comes with strings attached.
    Acceptance?
    — As much as I like acceptance, I dont look for acceptance either. I dont like feeling obliged to another in any manner other than the fact that I want to do things for them cause I can do and they can accept my doing for them.
    Being allowed to disagree and make up your own mind?
    — Yes
    Being allowed to vent without judgment?
    — I have stopped doing this, cause I havent met many who would suspend judgment.
    Being supported in making up your own mind?
    — Yes, more like asking me the questions that will help me get to what is in my mind.
    Criticism?
    — I dont need another critic, I am already my worst critic.
    Objective criticism? (if any)
    — This is fine. I can listen to this.
    Who do you think is best suited to take the final decision for you? (Or for any adult) Why?
    — It should be the person themselves. Its our responsibility. We owe it to ourselves. Thats where growth of an individual lies. Making their own choices, facing up to the consequences of their actions, not running away from what is, learning when to bow and when to rule, humility and an acceptance of their selves.
    Have you ever regretted asking someone for an opinion? Why?
    — Yes, because of fall outs for not following their words to the T.

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  12. I have found that talking to a receptive stranger(by that I mean, an acquaintance or someone you just know and doesnt live around you but you know is a kind, considerate person) works very well. Mostly cause there are no strings attached, we dont know each other well to push each others buttons and neither of us care about the other to the extent where we will be offended if we dont agree with each other or not follow advice.

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