“Hoping god grants more wisdom to your parents to make you understand things and train you to be a good indian wife.”

What do these emails say about those who wrote them? Do you know somebody who would agree with these two emails?

I am sure there are women who have other options [meaning they are self reliant and have no social pressures to get married and stay married (or die trying)] and would still be willing to marry men like these email writers… but I do wonder why any woman would want to do that.  

This is from the feisty blogger who received these two (and more such) emails.

Strangely I never knew I would be the centre of so much attention and that too male attention of some other kind. I started blogging as a means of being expressive about the atrocities we women face from being emotionally abused for being a girl to the physical torture we bear every day of our lives. I did a few posts on the cultural paradigm that the society is trapped in and how we women are often viciously the attention seekers for all the wrong reasons. A lot of guys mailed me often after reading my posts since I belong to a rigidly patriarchal society and as norm they didn’t expect a girl like me from the community. Lately though it started bothering me, with my dead grand parents and parents being the target. And only when I was thankful of not being a part of the community, I realized that even the www had no place for a girl like me who is just trying to make the society aware of the brutalities we are facing in the name of religion, culture and traditions and the solutions that can heal the wounded society.

Is it wrong that I am too vocal about the dowry practices in our community or the other unequal practices not finding favour with me.

What do you think.?

– Rinzu Rajan

***

And here are just two of those emails.

First email from a male reader:

Dear rinzu

…i read your posts and was horrified in the manner you had to bash out at the practice of surnames and their usage. why is it troubling you lady the age old practice that india and its women have followed.? and don’t you think acceptability into your husband’s household would be sought by both him and his parents.? accepting a husband’s first name has been the old adage in the south Indian communities that do not have defined family names. And i presume in all likelihood that you would be doing so in the future when you get married to show respect and adoration to your husband and his family. Women are not supposed to dominate men in the indian society and in the christian communities the man is the head of the woman as you might have read in the bible (verses 1 Corinthians 11:2) and further on in the other verses of the bible.
Also your posts on the practice of streedhanam (dowry) usage of minnu were just not acceptable. One girl’s words and actions or beliefs can’t change a tradition that is here to stay.I just hope that you give up on your nasty stubbornness before you get married. It is because of women like you that the divorce rates in india are on the rise.

THINK ABOUT IT.!

Regards and may god grant you wisdom

R

***

Second well meaning email from a male reader:

Dearest rinzu

i found you to be a pretty girl by your facebook photos but had never though that women like you exist in this world. don’t you think girls should be pretty and shy and quiet and not be as arrogant as you are. what issues you have with marriageable age is still a question i am trying to ponder on? dont you think that (all) girls should get married by the age of 25 so that they can give birth to healthy kids and make a beautiful family. don’t you think girls were made to give birth to children and support a husband by cooking and cleaning for him. no matter how educated a girl is, ultimately she has to do all this for a husband and even my mother and sisters got married at the right age meant for a girl. then why question the marriageable age theory? i think even your parents might have thought of it and might be soon getting you married. no matter how many degrees you earn at the end of the day every girl is supposed to be a husband welfare organization and a momma welfare role as you said in your posts. and hoping god grants more wisdom to your parents to make your understand things and train you to be a good indian and christian wife.

god bless u

v

***********

Updated to ask: Do you think Indian parents are under pressure to raise daughters who tolerate some amount of gender bias, injustice and unhappiness without complaining? 

Related Posts:

Role Call: Beyond a Husband Welfare Organization and a Mommy Welfare Roll. – Rinzu Rajan

Early and arranged marriages within the community prevent social ills.

How important is it for a girl to get married?

What good is being liberal or modern if your daughter gets divorced in the first year of the marriage?

97 thoughts on ““Hoping god grants more wisdom to your parents to make you understand things and train you to be a good indian wife.”

  1. They seem to be written by the same person, what with the references to Christianity and the ‘god grant you wisdom’ advice. Whoever it is is an idiot and doesn’t present a very compelling case.

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  2. My first reaction was that I laughed. Laughed at the people who wrote all this. I really wonder which well are they living in. And to the person who wrote something on the lines how can you a single girl/woman change the traditions – well to make you aware, she is not alone. There are hundreds and thousands of us.🙂

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  3. Lmao…”adoration to your husband”

    Please don’t doubt yourself Rinzu. Even Jesus had enemies.

    As a wise human once said…Haters gonna hate.

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  4. ~*#@
    DON’T stop blogging.
    They may say “Oh, you can’t change anything so stop it already” BUT always remember that THEY WERE THREATENED ENOUGH to contact you and try to make you “see sense”. They are aware of the power of www and how it can change mindsets. They are afraid that women may come to know that they have other options, they can stand up too.
    History has plenty examples.
    Yes, we CAN change mindsets (albeit slowly).
    We have progressed, and we will continue.

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    • Power of www.! Oh yes.! I’ve done a research paper on all these social evils.! For the university of nottingham.! Would be published by January.! Thats the power of www which these guys are threatened of.!

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  5. if it weren’t such a tragic reality that a large portion of indian society (regardless of religion and gender) does think this way, i would have laughed. don’t stop being what you are rinzu. let more people know that women like you do exist, and let them know the old days and the old ways are definitely coming to an end.

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  6. Ha ha ha Rinzu has hit the nerve of some ‘men’. Well, Indian society is still in its puberty and have a long way to go to actually understand the concept of marriage and togetherness. People like R and V are there everywhere in India and I won’t blame them, for they do not know any better. Seeing their mother, sister as the role-model, any person outside the model is seen with doubt and confusion. That is just hormones doing the talking by attacking you personally and not your ideology they are just showing how vulnerable they are.
    By claiming the ‘cultural’ things, they are simply shedding their responsibility and going with the flow. Its normal for people who are weak and resist change.
    It was a fun read on a friday morning.

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  7. “One girl’s words and actions or beliefs can’t change a tradition that is here to stay”

    Oh really? This man seems so ignorant of reality. Every change starts with one person, be it woman or man and spreads, bringing about that change. Very politely tell him to go learn something from history.

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    • Tradition is “a long-established custom or belief that has been passed on from generation to generation”

      It is long established, NEVER permanently established. There is a difference. Don’t tell me the traditions people follow today existed a couple of centuries back. Isn’t it commonsense that traditions also change according to what’s convenient?!

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    • In the youth conferences organized two years ago, dowry was a question I raised.! Which most women of my age and younger than me have complied to.! I was asked to shut up and sit down after which came a long lecture of coyness that was essential for a young Christian girl like me.! BTW, kanyadaan is not something we have, so dowry is an unnecessary practice.!

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  8. I am from a South Indian Christian family. My wife has not changed her name, nor do I want her to. Also in our families we take maternal names as surnames. I took my maternal grandfather’s name as my surname (or rather my dad gave me that name). If I had a sister she would have taken my maternal grand mom’s name.
    So whatever that guy has written in the email about the male being the head of the family is completely wrong (since he refered that he is from a South Indian Christian family).
    All decisions are taken collectively, be it a wedding or taking a loan. I am not sure which era he is from.

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    • Xylene, Please do not try to stamp your exceptional case on a society that is still struggling with dowry.! Please read this article by Susan Vishwanathan you may just know What I am talking of.! You can log into jstor with your email id and password, you do not necessarily be a research student. http://www.jstor.org/discover/10.2307/4394959?uid=2129&uid=2134&uid=363918351&uid=2&uid=70&uid=3&uid=363918341&uid=60&sid=21100987846233

      For some more facts

      1) When I was 22 and my best friend was 23, she decided to head for a divorce after two years of being in a abusive and bad relationship.! Her husband treated her like a dog and those wounds could be seen on her body and in her soul. as it is customary the family went to the church for counselling.! While even the judge hearing her case had all the sympathy for her, the church and fathers asked her to give another year to her marriage.! BECAUSE GETTING MARRIED AND STAYING MARRIED IS ESSENTIAL.! And btw, most women have to be married by 25, since I have crossed that threshold both elders and women of my age raise an eye brow when they see me. Essentially they are jealous of my achievements in life.! In Kerala this age is like 23 or 24, what guys like these call as marriage able age.
      2) Two years ago and even before that during the youth conferences held in the church both at the local and national level, I happened to raise a question on dowry. I kept pestering them until they had to comply. Their answers were too spineless just in case you want to know. They asked me to shut up and sit down for they had no explanations to give. If you know Christians do not have kanyadaan so dowry is a practice they should let go off immediately. Do you call this liberation.?

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      • 3) Dowry is given and taken along with what is called as passaram or tithes that the church is given, which is a percentage of the dowry you pay to the fathers and the church for conducting the wedding. So even the church is equally responsible for the practice of dowry, shamelessly.!
        4) The bride’s side has to bear all the expenses of the wedding which has to stand in guard with what the groom and his family expects. This can go upto lakhs, one reason I have decided to not marry from the community. My parents have invested the money they saved for my dowry in property, I AM SO PROUD OF THEM.! IT TOOK ME A LOTA PESTERING TO CHANGE THEIR VIEWS.! EVEN THEN THEY ARE NOT THE TYPICAL ACHAYAN AND ACHAYATI THAT OUR SOCIETY BOASTS OF.!

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        • 5) Until 1986, one fourth of the fathers’ property or rs.5000 whichever is lesser, was the share of the daughter in the fathers property.! A very strong woman called Mary Roy challenged the age old practice of inheritance in the high court. Even when the rest of the country was following the Hindu inheritance act, the travancore and cochin succession act was determining the fate of women in the syrian christian society. (Guys like these exist because practices like these exist.!)
          You may read more about Mary Roy here

          http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Roy

          http://www.hindu.com/2010/10/21/stories/2010102154730600.htm
          6) Fathers first names or husbands first names are the norm in the society.! One of my friends reached close to a divorce because one of the reasons of the incompatibility was that she wasnt giving into the idea of changing her surname to a very royal “Tharakan” from her dad’s name.!

          7) A few months ago an elderly aunty died and on her funeral the priests had to talk of how she resembled Sara, Rebecca and Rachel in her dutiful Christian responsibilities while her own personality wasn’t spoken of.! The fathers in their speech praised her cooking skills etc while her own strengths werent spoke of.!

          There are many more points and I can go on and on.! But for you these maybe enough.!🙂 As for the paper I have done when it gets published I’ll post in on IHM comment section for you to read and know how absurd the Syrian Christian society still is.!

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      • Rinzu, Just to caution you. Even if there is kanyadaan, there is no place for dowry.. your statement seems to justify dowry if there is kanyadaan..

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  9. a new era, perhaps, one rife with horribly parochial views, where a few think it is their right to dictate how others should live, quoting and disregarding traditions as they see fit.

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  10. I guess when we seek to change something, we can expect a backlash… you know you’ve struck home when you start getting these kind of mails. But it can be a disturbing if you hadn’t steeled yourself for it. It’s why it is especially courageous to blog and address sensitive subjects under one’s own name. I would create a separate email address connected to the blog and also not link my blog to Facebook. Blogging under your own name is one thing; connecting it to Facebook and letting these randoms see all your stuff on Facebook might be unwise. If you do want to connect your blog to Facebook and let anyone access your Facebook profile I suggest you adjust the privacy settings strictly (so maybe don’t make your photos public).

    PS: My husband is from the same community as you and I didn’t change my surname. Neither did his sisters when they go married. And none of us, his sister or I, lead submissive lives. Our respective in-laws may not be thrilled with our unconventional choices but they are mature enough to know that this is how times change and they can see their sons are happy with us. So there are guys even within your community who are not so regressive. Sometimes my husband jokes with me: “I could have married a woman who’d do whatever I wanted and paid me to marry me, and you don’t even cook.” and I reply: “I know! What a fool you are.” But he knows very well why he married me: He himself would not be interested in a woman who always did his bidding.

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    • I understand.! E mails and facebook id links should never be given.! But since every blogger does it I thought what was the harm.! And since I am a freelancer and a poet links like these help the publisher get in touch with me sooner.! Will remove some of those.! Thanks for your views.!

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  11. Dear Rinzu,
    1. Dont doubt yourself because of such mails. The writer(s) is obviously a self centered patriarch. If he personally had to face just for 1 day, what most women face each day of their lives, he’d probably sing a different tune.

    2. Strongly echo what “The Bride” wrote above. Would suggest you be more selective about your Facebook privacy settings.

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  12. Well done RInzu! I’m reminded of the act of starting a smouldering fire that emits smoke – only then the snakes crawl out in a panic. Otherwise they are well concealed in their dark, underground holes. That’s what you’ve done. They’ve exposed their teensy weensy narrow poisonous minds. (and I don’t mean any disrespect to snakes…I find them fascinating). But I suspect the emails…esp the second one is a troll at work…whose time pass is to piss you off. And the reference to the FB photo…creepy.

    It is an irony that religion and religious books have caused more damage than growth in most quarters. Probably because all the religious books and interpretations were written by men, while their women folk were busy cooking and cleaning.

    Keep writing Rinzu.

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  13. I have laughed enough and after wiping off my tears, I am writing this. This guy seems to be a stand-up comedian. If he say this in front of a crowd, people are going to fall off their chairs laughing. Sorry, IHM, but can’t take him seriously. He has so many punch lines like –
    //Women are not supposed to dominate men in the indian society
    The lord speakth!
    //n the christian communities the man is the head of the woman (and the reference to Bible)
    Confused! If man is the head of woman then woman is the head of man, tell me how many heads are there?
    //Also your posts on the practice of streedhanam (dowry) usage of minnu were just not acceptable.
    The lord speakth Again!
    //One girl’s words and actions or beliefs can’t change a tradition that is here to stay.
    They will die with people like you. Believe me Sire!
    //I just hope that you give up on your nasty stubbornness before you get married.
    Don’t worry. She might get someone with a brain and might not be as unlucky as your wife.
    //It is because of women like you that the divorce rates in india are on the rise.
    And thank god for that!
    //don’t you think girls should be pretty and shy and quiet and not be as arrogant as you are.
    And biting their index finger when the hero is around? And Holding their skirts from one side and swinging on one leg?
    //dont you think that (all) girls should get married by the age of 25 so that they can give birth to healthy kids and make a beautiful family.
    He has already decided the age. And they should be virgins. ‘All’ in brackets? Doubts on the upper limit?
    //don’t you think girls were made to give birth to children and support a husband by cooking and cleaning for him.
    Very well defined tasks! Bravo!
    //no matter how many degrees you earn at the end of the day every girl is supposed to be a husband welfare organization and a momma welfare role as you said in your posts.
    A husband welfare what?!? And do we have a woman welfare organisation?
    //hoping god grants more wisdom to your parents to make your understand things and train you to be a good indian and christian wife.
    correction – good, submissive, bovine, kickable christian wife

    This guy is so utterly regresive that he seems to have walked out of a cave with a club in his hand and rubbing two stones to produce a fire. God save his family.
    And keep blogging Rinzu Rajan. You are doing just fine.

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      • I agree with Amit. Rinzu, way to go!! you are doing very well. The joker who said that “women are not supposed to dominate men in the Indian society” has surely walked out of the cave. Unfortunately, there are many such jokers in our society, women included. I was working in Hyderabad and was constantly asked why I was delaying marriage. Why does it bother others if a girl leads her own life? I had to tell them (and most of them were women) that I was doing fine and will marry when I wished to. I did not change my last name after marriage and will not. I thought that the situation has changed since the past 8 years. But seems like it has not. Society decides how women should dress, behave and live their lives. Shy, pretty, quiet, saying ‘yes’ to whatever the husband says, giving birth to a child (read boy) within the first year of marriage, being able to handle all household duties without complaining and above all being the ever-sacrificing wife are considered good attributes of an ‘ideal wife’, Anyone who does not adhere to any of these will be branded a ‘rebel’. Who cares? We are better off being our own bosses when it comes to dressing, working, taking care of home, children and leading our own lives. There will always be jokers around to comment what is good and bad for us. The reality is that they are threatened whenever a woman confronts age-old traditions and becomes successful. All the ‘parampara’ and ‘sanskaar’ lectures are delivered to the woman. “Girls should get married at 22, give birth at 23 and 24 (yeah a son and a daughter you see), be a good wife blah blah…

        By the way, I have come across women, educated ones at that, who believe that the ultimate goal of any woman is to give birth to a son. And those who have sons leave no stone unturned to lecture mothers with daughters to have sons to attain salvation. I hate it when a newly married couple seeks blessings, most elders says “give birth to a son as soon as possible”. Why don’t they say “give birth to a child” instead? I can continue to rant but will stop here.

        Peace.

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  14. F.u.m.i.n.g!! I doubt I would have the patience to make these people understand. I would simply ask them to shove their orthodox ideas you-know-where. Yet, I know that it is only by discussion and exchange of rational arguments that such evils will s.l.o.w.l.y. be eradicated from society. It is sad that people would have such an outlook in this age😦

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      • I fumed “n” number of times and walked outa the church.! Even when arranged marriages have to happen brides are hunted down on how well they behave in the church and not how good they are as a person! Well one cant act out fake in the sunday mass and be a faker of the highest order, but all that doesn’t matter.! Coy, homely and religious is our idea of a bride.!😦

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      • Yes, ignoring is the least we can do not feel all riled up. But that won’t make the problem go away. Such people can neither tolerate rebellion, nor can they stand in the face of rational arguments. They prefer to retaliate with the same we’ve-been-doing-it-for-so-long-why-do-you-want-to-change-it arguments that make their lives pretty convenient.

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      • But this kind of attitude is prevalent in most sects of most religions! And if this attitude is stemming from a religion or a sect, all the more reason for them to keep their opinions to themselves and not impose them on others.

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  15. Laughing at these men and their thought process.

    My take on tradition and this is how it’s done has always been and will be, that we choose to create tradition. Jaise aadat daal lo, waise hi tradition bann jataa hai. And if you change the habit, the so-called tradition changes too.

    Wonder why men like the ones above are so hung up on what already has been as opposed to looking forward to what can be? Oops, sorry, I forgot, their very existence is dependent on being served by a woman.

    At one point, my husband used to “joke” and I found it very insulting this joke that I was his Dasi and should wash his feet because pati is supposed to be pati dev. I protested a lot until one day I turned around and told him that Devta ki patni ko Dasi nahi Devi kehte hain. Shut him up for good, that.

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      • Thanks, I wonder what made me so long to think of the retort, came naturally when it did, though.

        I have and will always have my fight with so called established tradition. If it doesn’t work contextually, it’s not a tradition worth having. Sati was “tradition” too and a very repulsive one, at that.

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      • Keep writing though, Riznu. Ignore the idiots. Though, I know very well, that this (these men’s) is the very thinking that makes my blood boil.

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  16. The author/authors are living in some Utopian world , that existed long ago, but are interested in Facebook and other stuff,where young ladies are able to express their views. It looks like the authors are out to sett the clock back, if we allow them. ( their crusade maybe).I know a couple of men like that, and they were in the 19th century world.
    It looks like the authors need God’s wisdom to understand much water has flown under the bridge.
    Modern women have learnt to live like our Tamil poet Bharathiyar envisaged , in early 20th century.

    P.S. I hope those authors are viewing this too!!

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    • Yes, and I hope they come across more and more rebellious women, even those in their own families. And that we learn to articulate and express well what we find wrong in these orthodox customs. And that we can make them understand.

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  17. Way to go babe! Keep going, let there me more annoyed men out there – atleast they know we are not taking things lying down.

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  18. Good lord, isn’t he a tortured soul.

    I wish I could truthfully say that I feel sorry for him or that I feel sad or something of that sort, but frankly, I just found this diatribe amusing. He slapped out line after line of the sheerest baloney I’ve seen in a while, all wrapped up in a tone far more suited to a textbook of mathematical theorems than a wall of nonsensical rhetoric.

    Looks like you shocked the living daylights out of some poor sod who expected you to keep your trap shut about these things like the typical Bharatiya Nari straight out of Bollywood melodrama and Ekta Kapoor’s demented ramblings.

    Well, I’m not sorry you shattered his image, nor should you be.

    I received a hate email myself recently from a certain Hindutva fanatic (shared it with IHM), even though I don’t blog. It is one of the perils of making your email public. Don’t let this stuff bother you; most of them are just nutters.

    Just make sure that you stay safe, because harmless and silly though these guys are on the internet, you may not like to meet them in real life. At the least, lock down your Facebook account so that not every Tom, Dick and Harry can see your picture and address.

    Other than that, take pleasure in the fact that you annoyed one more chauvinist today. When you get to ten, gift yourself a big Choco Truffle cake and make sure you enjoy it too.🙂

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    • Well, I am a freelancer and write poetry, and my harmless intentions behind posting my contact links were to direct publishers to me without much trouble.! Never knew it would lead to so much of adventure.! 😦😦😦 Thanks appreciate the choco truffle highlight in the end.!

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      • I understand, Rinzu.

        I really hope you won’t allow yourself to feel discouraged by the ramblings of a random chauvinist off the internet.

        I’m not sure if you’ve considered it or not, but the first thing I thought when I read the emails was that they smack of fear.

        Sentences like this:

        One girl’s words and actions or beliefs can’t change a tradition that is here to stay

        do not come from someone who has conviction and confidence in their own views.

        The writer is not trying to convince you, he is trying to convince himself.

        Don’t let him do that – continue to challenge sexism and patriarchy as you have been doing. Continue being a star.

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        • Thank you.! I was sick, disgusted and totally trodden when this wave of feminism rose in me.! For our kinda patriarchy absolutely any man can come and lecture you on the good and bad of being a woman. I’ve known “n” number of men who have publicly asked me about my marriage plans and why was over-educating myself.!? Imagine how it was living every day of my life and so to say every sunday listening to all this non -sense.! I get depressed when I realize unmarried educated women like me are still an exception in our community who otherwise call themselves egalitarian and liberated.!

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        • Rinzu, Most people do not understand that when you are imprisoned by ideas that were relevant some 2000 years ago and fanatically cling to what isnt working in the present, then you are not Liberated, instead you are in an invisible Prison with bars that dont allow air to breathe. Liberated is – when you do not fear questions; – when you do not fear changing directions from a path that isnt working for you; – when you are confident of your abilities and know that you are fine even when you are amongst people who dont look, think or do like you; when you dont need a slave or be a slave, to be the master of yourself; when you know that the other’s appreciation or depreciation of you does not add or subtract your worth; when what you are isnt dependent on whether you follow a certain edict or teaching but a unique sum of all the experiences only you could have.

          I am still learning and I guess, it will take time to really live out what we understand. Now, just for the Irony of it, I pray that the ones who wrote that email to you will know the definition of liberation before they start preaching to others😉

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    • Wow, you just showed me a way to motivate myself. Ten idiots annoyed and I get to eat a big piece of cake! What a ROCKING idea! I shall be eating cake all day long!

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  19. If Jesus hadn’t gone against the long held traditions of his time, where would christianity be now! I sometimes wonder if these people ever take a quiet moment to think about their views logically.

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    • Yes of course. The stupid patriarchs in our church have a meaningless reason to justify everything.! Even dowry all in the name of Jesus.! The last Christian died on the cross as said by Friedrich Nietsche.! So true isn’t it.?

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      • Wasn’t Jesus a Jew?? Not the point…I understand🙂

        The two emails are so stupid that it’s making me gag! I’m not sure whether to feel sorry for the email writers for being so clueless or to feel angry at them for trying to impose their primitive viewpoints on others. I’m not surprised to hear that they were quoting religious scriptures. Sexism/misogyny is one of the few things that unites all religions.

        However while all religions have a liberal dose of sexism, it is unfortunately not restricted to religious people alone. I’m an atheist and whenever I interact with the atheist community, I find that sexism and misogyny are very much alive and well there as well.

        The response to such emails, of course, is to continue raising our voice against dowry and other crimes against women. At the very least, it will bring all these morons crawling out of the woodwork where they can be openly mocked and derided!

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  20. Huh!! traditions like these are here to stay, he thinks!! Things change, good or bad, they HAVE to change! that is the rule of the world!! I think he needs a reality check! I have seen chauvinistic people around me, of various degrees and it gives me immense pleasure that I can ruffle their feathers by discussing about these issue with them!!

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  21. Third/Fourth the updating privacy settings on Facebook.🙂

    Whenever I read such ramblings, I’m always reminded of Neo Indian’s post ‘The War for Women’, and the little child with the L symbol at the end that sums up everything so perfectly. 😀

    http://neoindian.org/2009/05/14/the-war-for-women/

    They’re losing the war for women. And that fear/despair is what drives them to write such creepy letters. Keep up the good work!

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  22. You should let never all this affect you Rinzu. These kind of jerks will always come in your way. I hope god grants them some wisdom of their own.

    And I really dont think there is anything wrong with keeping your own name. Why should the girl be tolerant,quiet and shy? She is a human too,and every human has equal rights in this country.
    Also the right age to get married is when the girl wants too. Yes,there are pressures from the society especially on our parents but all this can only lead to bad decisions. I have seen so many women bowing to the pressure and then regretting the decision.

    PS : Please lock down your pictures on facebook😛

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  23. Rinzu – I usually never comment here. But this one touched home. I belong to the same community as you. I married a guy from the same community. This is how we got married – He paid for the entire wedding. What ever my parents gave at my wedding has been put away in an FD in my name by my husband (he did not want to offend my folks by not accepting). I have not changed my last name. I am currently working and my husband is a stay at home dad for my 2 kids. My husbands sister has not taken her husband’s last name. But i do know that this a rarity in the Mallu christian community. My husband is often ridiculed for being a stay at home dad. My inlaws on the other hand are totally comfortable with the decisions we have taken. the bottom line is to let individuals decide what works for them. Not impose traditions or habits on anyone. If a woman choses to stay home, so be it. If she choses to be a single parent so be it. If she choses to give up her her carrier and take her husbands name – again let her be. Individual choice happiness needs to be respected. And those that tie their happiness to other people’s actions and choices need to go get a life..

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    • I know of exceptions and rarities.! While my parents hunted down. while now they are not since I’ve told them to not.! My over-education was one reason plus my out of the world thoughts and opinions were another issue.! I don’t question anyone’s choices but when stupid men and women dictate terms to me, I can’t bear it.! It’s my life and if don’t name call others others shouldnt be doing so.! I might or might not get married dont know. Infact my own dad was a stay at home dad for the first three years after I was born.! So that is not a new concept for me.! What is most appalling is the attitude of the people to not do away with practices that are filthy and corrupt and create a divide in the society.!

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      • And thanks for saying that all these things exist back home.! When I shout and yell at the top of my voice, most people just choose to ignore.! They say Christians are liberated and she is a power crazy feminist doing the talking.!

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  24. I am very amused at the Irony of the whole situation –
    1. If he didnt like what you wrote all he should have done is NOT READ IT, but no, this honorable man spent much time, Reading, Analyzing, Formulating a response to Preach to you.
    2. If he thought One Girl couldnt change Tradition, he should have done what sane people confident in their knowing do – Ignore you, but no, this honorable man had such an urge to let you know you couldnt, wah! such compassion.
    3. If he thought it was because of a Girl like you that the divorce rates in the community increased, he should be asking why there are girls like you in the community, what is the community doing that drives girls like you do to what he thinks you are doing, but no, this honorable man decides you are the ONLY girl to blame for the divorces. Of course, the Man in the marriage had no part in the divorce.*rolls eyes*
    4. If he wanted to show off his knowledge of the bible quotes all he had to do was organize a Bible-bee and participate, but no, this honorable man had to quote verses to you(which you probably already knew, in lieu of your leaving the congregation).
    5. If he believes that without God there is nothing, then he should trust in God to have given you ample wisdom to live your life the way God sees fit, but no, this honorable man is going to pray to God to grant you more wisdom.

    Oh the Irony!!!

    Kudos to you Rinzu! Please dont be anything that you are not, to satisfy other people’s wisdom. Trust in your own wisdom. Like always, Say what you mean, that way you have the Gift that most people like the ones who wrote the mail dont have – you will sleep in peace and be able to smile in the mirror, knowing that you have been True to yourself therefore been true to God(since I know you do believe in a Higher Power). When the fate of Humanity is not written on Stone, why do we presume that the fate of tradition is written on stone…Also, even if it is discovered that it is written on stone, Stones too erode over time. Nothing Remains Static.

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  25. I’ve been reading through your blog for some time and when I read this,I thought I should leave my thoughts on this…
    First of all,I seriously dont understand what these guys problem are…Its the Indian constitution that gave Rinzu the right to speak and the right to equality,not them….
    Secondly, if the guy seriously think that ” One girl’s words and actions or beliefs can’t change a tradition that is here to stay”, then why did he bother to send her the email???
    hey…genius we know what you are afraid of ….😛
    “don’t you think girls were made to give birth to children and support a husband by cooking and cleaning for him.”….oh..is it???I never knew that!!! 😛
    hey pal,as you dont have any words of your own and relys on “what the God has said”….let me clear this for you…its the same God who created us and if what you said were our only duties,I seriously doubt why he gave something called “intelligence” to women ” equal to men”.Now the science is developing many things which were never thought of and if you wait patiently,maybe they will come up with a robot that can procreate and there are already ones that can do “the cooking and cleaning duties”…so u better marry one robot like that… your problem will be solved and why bother Rinzu for that???😀
    And the “marriageable age theory”??Never heard of that theory…kindly explain!!!.😀

    “hoping god grants more wisdom to your parents to make your understand things and train you to be a good indian and christian wife.”
    What kind of training exactly?? and are you also getting such kind of a “training” from your parents on becoming a “good Indian husband” ???

    Just one thing to tell you-
    SHUT UP!!!!!

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  26. Ah! This post is perfect for my favorite responses to such moronic men.
    1. If tradition is so valuable to you, you should wear dhotis and padukas, do only the work allowed to you by your caste, your parents should leave your house and go away for sanyasashram. Also, taking the examples of Laxman and Arjun – great examples of men in our scriptures, these men should learn to hunt, cook, speak several languages, sing, dance etc. NOWHERE IN HINDU SCRIPTURES IS IT WRITTEN THAT COOKING AND CLEANING IS THE JOB OF WOMEN.
    Speaking about Christian scriptures instead, the man should not wear polycotton shirts, not eat shrimp or pork, sell his daughter into prostitution, only have slaves from neighboring countries.
    The fact is that as we progress, we change things and make new traditions. What we are dealing with in our country today are ‘new traditions’ that do not come from our scriptures. So obviously each generation has the chance to make new traditions as the day and age require of them.
    2. And again my question: why do women have to cook and clean for their men? Are men so absolutely incapable of taking care of themselves? So then that should make them inferior to women who are obviously capable of much more than them. Brutish physical strength does not make one superior or good. Physical strength that is used for the good, for protecting and helping those less strong than you, is what makes a person good. The others are just goons.
    3. If you think that because there are bad guys out there, women should stay locked in their homes then we should all be in the jails and the criminals should be roaming the streets free to do as they please. That is not how things work. Curfews should be for men – because obviously they are the imbecile people who are unable to control their base urges.

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  27. Rinzu ,
    Kudos to you ! These men are really from caves ! I too have my roots in Kerala, but not yet come across such primitive men.
    My dad was against dowry (so were my husband/In-laws). my Dad ensured that we (2 sisters) are educated and ensured that we were financially independent before getting married, … AND STILL I CONSIDERED MY DAD AS TRADITIONAL / ORTHODOX (for some of his thoughts on smaller/insignificant issues )! Did not know how blind I was ..
    But now, THANKS TO THESE TWO EMAIL WRITERS, I REALISE THAT MY LATE DAD (who would have been 80 years old now, had he been alive) WAS WAY TOO PROGRESSIVE compared to these two 21st century beings ..

    Mankind and especially Indians have a long way to go before they can be called real human beings..hope that journey will be much shorter with people like you and IHM..

    All the best !

    Like

    • 😦 Much of the keralite society is regressive in some way or the other.! I remember seven years ago while on a trip to the land, I had seen a husband beating up his wife in the backyard of the house with no one coming to her help.! This happened while I was passing by.! I have seen the worst of “mad mallu mania” and am sick by now.!

      Like

  28. Pingback: “A Hindu woman derives immense pleasure in sacrifice for her husband. The white man will never ever understand this.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  29. Pingback: “But, my only motive in life has been my daughter’s happiness which is now in your hands. I beg you, please keep her happy” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  30. Pingback: Response to “Koi Baap Apni Beti Ko Kab Jaane Se Rok Paya Hai” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  31. I’am also an South Indian Christian and I know tht bible verse about the husband being the head is abused to no end. Every MCP wants to quote the verse but conveniently forget the ones that follow immediately……… Instructing husbands to love their wives and a wife is a crown of the man’s head.
    There is a particular verse in the bible which instructs the man to ” leave their parents and cling to his wife”. This verse is often quoted during the weddings and me and my friends always try to gauge the groom’s family reactions and its funny how their expressions become grim upon hearing that. We always do it and laugh about it.
    But, I’ve noticed that the sexism and regressive nature is a “little bit” less in the Christian community than the others, probably, bcoz education is emphasized for everyone irrespective of gender. But ofcorse, like in any community, there are also mysoginists who wants to take everything to the extreme.
    It’s funny that in India, MCP men may fight over religion and caste till death. But when it comes to suppression of women, suddenly they remember that we are “Indians” and become bhai-bhai. Like my uncle, who blames Hinduism for all kinds of evil in India but admires the way how Hindu woman worship their husband as god. He bemoans the fact that such “values” are not taught enough in christian homes. go figure.Ha ha….. Patriarchy and religion appear in their worst form in India.

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