“The wife is quite clingy and certainly believes the husband is everything.”

An update from A’s friend – please read the previous post and comments before reading this post.

Hi IHM,Thanks,

I have read the comments and made A read it to. I don’t think I would post on the blog, I would probably be smashed, I am just the messenger. In any case I have talked six hours straight yesterday, some interesting things have come up. 

The wife has already suspected on more than one occasion that something is not right.

There are two instances where he got really angry on her for some reason and later apologized profusely.

He has told her about the home situation hoping she would agree to get out of the marriage. This was like four months ago. She got frantically upset for some time but eventually agreed to live with A, now according to A the wife is quite clingy and certainly believes the husband is everything, she has had that classic desi upbringing. She has agreed to tentatively to live with the parents but also suspects they will never come out of the basement.

A thinks she only agreed because she has no control over the situation.

It’s the clingy nature of the wife that he is really afraid of, he feels he will not only have to placate the parents but also the wife. The parents are dead-set against him moving out, the siblings support her. Even if the mother agrees she only does it while pulling the guilt chain. 

I am surprised by the parents, they are both working and healthy enough to do the jobs. Didn’t think working parents who have a job to worry about manipulate like this. 

His elder brother marriage is what has set the tone for the idea of running, the way the brother’s wife is being treated scares him, they are nice to her but curse her behind her back. The brother is in the same predicament he never wanted the wife & resented the parental control. He over time has accepted it and the marriage now is a convenience.

The brother does not want kids, the mother it seems has tried under-handed tactics for his divorce – ironic since the parents pushed him into this. It gets worse, A does not want kids in this environment while the wife is crazy for it. Yes he does think ending it now would be better than a lifetme of misery. I have no clue to what to tell him. I might fly out on the weekend to see him in Canada, I will keep you posted.  

***

Just wanted to add this because I feel this in part contributing to this fiasco, I did not know this before myself. 

A has told me that the marriage was agreed upon by the parents while he was asleep !!!!!. In the morning he was toldby the father “ab ham nay zuban day dee hay” meaning “now we have given our word”. From that point onward the mother has used every guilt injection possible:
a) engaging him to keep him busy in meaningless tasks
b) inducing guilt by faking frailty, sickness and poor health.
She has constantly rallied the siblings to extract information fromhim. 

Get this : The girl was told by her father “chahay ab woh kaisa bhi ho may nay zuban day dee hay” meaning ,”it doesnot matter how the boy is I have given my word”.

Can you believe this?

The girl appears to be willing to go throughwith the marriage but A thinks she does not know any better and is only going along with what she has been told.
Ironically so is A. 

99 thoughts on ““The wife is quite clingy and certainly believes the husband is everything.”

  1. This situation is way, way toxic! Best thing to do seems for A to move out of the basement. Move away from his parents and cut all contact with them, for a few years.

    The situation with the wife just seems like a tragedy. However, I think he should give the marriage a try, away from his parents.

    If, after trying, they are still incompatible, they can then go for a divorce. But, I think A should try to help the wife come out of the typical desi upbringing that marriage is the purpose of her life first. Otherwise, she may end up going into depression on the failure of her marriage. And yes, it is his duty. Otherwise, he will live with the regret for the rest of his life.

    PS: I thought the wife was in India? Now, she is in Canada?

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    • I think she’s still not in Canada yet- the LW does mention that she’s AGREED tentatively to live in the basement with him- and that does make it sound like that hasn’t happened yet(But I may be wrong.)

      Anyway, the second email makes it sound like the marriage , not the parents, is the ‘main’ problem . It also seems like he wants to use the excuse of the home situation to manipulate the wife into taking a rain-check on coming over to Canada.
      He also apparently has expressed a desire to ‘run away’- which I previously interpreted as moving out and starting over, but I’m wondering if it meant an actual other side of the country/cut-all-contact-never-see-them-again type thing? Are the parents are so dead set on him moving out that he’s thinking of doing this?

      I guess my advice to A remains the same- Move out WITHOUT taking permission(even if it means cutting all ties), give the marriage a shot AFTER you’ve moved out (since your wife does seem keen), and third, if you do decide to get a divorce- make sure you do the right thing by your wife- financially and emotionally.

      It’s a tough call.

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      • Anecdote time- I work in a sector where I interact with members of the British Punjabi community (both Indian and Pakistani) in the UK on a daily basis.

        Nearly without exception, the men who arrived here in the 60’s from tiny Punjabi villages all brought back brides from the motherland. They had kids , who in their turn were married off to men and women , again, from the same village. The grandchildren arrived, and have grown up , and STILL to this day, GO BACK to the SAME freaking village , when they have to get married.

        The point I’m trying to make is, instead of the regressive culture dying out, it actually gets paradoxically REINFORCED with time. Also the physical ghetto-isation of these communities ensure that they have the barest minimum of contact with mainstream society, case in point- MANY who have lived here for decades speak no English and still get by! The kids are sent to schools where they are in the ‘majority’, the GP who looks after their health is ‘one of their own’ and of course everyone works for the ‘family business’.

        For further reading, you may google Bradford (UK) or Brampton (in Canada)

        The only reason for this long winded comment was that A ‘s situation made me think he lives in a environment like this. Or even if he doesn’t, it would help if commentators kept in mind that people in urban/semi-urban India are living in much more progressive communities than some of the desi ones in UK/Canada.

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        • Very true! The NRI population of a certain hue is far, far more rigid and conservative than most urban people in India (across classes). We are talking of little Taliban-like enclaves when it comes to culture and society, with only outward normality in appearance.

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        • Reminds me of the movie “East is East” where Om Puri’s character bullies his sons into getting bethrothed to twin girls, over-riding the protests of his British-born wife and sons.

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      • I think its the no-contact thing. Here is my gut feeling on this, the marriage is simply the final tipping point, it is pointless to see it as a lone event. He has been abused for a long time and suffered in silence, he cannot digest it anymore.

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  2. Hahaha! The wedding was decided upon when the groom was asleep…… did he do the wedding rituals while in slumber as well? Maybe people who were ‘sympathizing’ with this poor guy’s predicament would have a change of heart in light of this new info.

    The wife is in a hapless state and husband thinks of her as clingy! Maybe he should ditch her, would be the best thing for the poor girl. If he doesn’t the wife is doomed to be one of those 40 year old women living in IL’s basement with a husband she never really wanted.

    I’m unable to write any more in fear of some shooting off expletives…. will be following the responses though!

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  3. Oh wow! It keeps getting better!
    A controlling mom and a clingy wife! Real tragedy!

    This suggestion is neither for A nor for LW,
    but to the wife – “please leave him.. you deserve better!”

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  4. I do not understand what clingy means. Is she possessive? Does she ask about each and every small thing? Does she keep unnecessary tabs on her? Does she manipulate him?

    Since they are already married, it is not fair to both of them to not give it a try.

    Grow a spine, take your wife and get out of your parents house, Try to change her desi ways by showing her the life other women are leading around her. Socialize.
    Never return to your parents house. Maintain a respectful distance.

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  5. Yesterday some people gave some good advice:
    1. Tell the wife and see what she wants to do. If she wants out, his problem is solved. If she wants in, then he might consider giving it a shot, make a deal with her that she can come to Canada on the visa but they will get divorced soon, or well, insist on a divorce anyway.
    2. Regardless, move out of the basement.
    3. Stop calling him spineless.

    This post seems to say he told the wife… but I think he has not told the wife the crucial thing: HE does not want to be married to her. He seems to be trying to get her to say she doesn’t want to come over based on how terrible his family is. But maybe she figures living with his terrible family is better than living with the label of rejectee back in India. Or maybe she hopes it’s not that bad. I think saying he doesn’t want to be married, might cast things in a different light.

    Amazingly, he still seems to envisage a future in the basement. If he can contemplate running away from his family to avoid his wife, why can’t he contemplate running away from his family with his wife?

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    • Absolutely right, Bride! This is the line that disturbed me the most –

      “He has told her about the home situation hoping she would agree to get out of the marriage.”

      That phrase – ‘hoping she would agree’ somehow is so manipulative. Here they are – two young adults, forced into a marriage. The poor girl is willing to face the challenges and make this work. But the guy is dead set against it. So what does he do? He tries every excuse, every trick in the book to MAKE HER say NO and walk out – so that HE REMAINS the the GOOD, POOR, HELPLESS BOY whose wife walked out on him.

      I feel sorry for the girl – if she chooses to stay in the marriage – chances are she will be stuck with his parents, facing trauma and anguish day after day while he deserts her literally by not sponsoring her visa. If she walks out – then she takes the blame and (even otherwise) she will be humiliated and shunned by her own family. If she does manage to go to Canada – this guy will do everything in his power to harass her, make her life miserable so that she walks out of his life. And the saddest part is that he will get away with it. I really wish there was a way this poor girl could be forewarned, and given some legal advice and support for finding a job.

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  6. Yesterday, I felt sympathy for this ‘A’. Although we get angry about people not standing up; for a person who has been subdued right from childhood, the prospect of speaking out is terrifying. Today, as I read this, I feel nothing but disgust at this man. He seems to blame everything and everyone around him, rather than accept the core issue – his abject failure in standing up for his own self respect and dignity.

    //according to A the wife is quite clingy and certainly believes the husband is everything, she has had that classic desi upbringing.// WHat about himself? Does he think he has had some Hollywood upbringing – given the amount of balls he’s shown all through? This is what makes me think he has someone in the closet, and is now trying to ‘get rid’ of the new wife with all this tear-jerker story about manipulative parents, clingy wife, living in basement and so on.

    What is even more disgusting is just like his manipulative parents, he has manipulated his wife’s life. That poor girl whose life has been cut short to marry this man – is now terrified at the prospect of him abandoning her. Simply because she lives in a society where she will be blamed for the failed marriage.

    Imagine – she finds the choice of staying back in this hellhole family better than walking out – she is that terrified.

    I don’t know what her family situation is – whether she has siblings etc. Going by the parents of this man, I am sure they would have extracted enough dowry in terms of cash, gold and so on from this girl’s family. If the marriage fails, this will be considered as a huge ‘honour’ issue and the girl will probably be shunned.

    Email writer – let me not mince words. Please tell your friend he is responsible for doing this to an innocent girl. The reasons he gives for annulling the marriage – taking the example of his brother’s wife, evil parents etc. are all superficial. The actual reason is he is a man without principles, without humanity and a coward of the worst type. I also suspect he is not being above board with you – there is something else going on in his life because of which he is hellbent on abandoning this woman.

    I am even more disgusted with the whole attitude of this bugger. He himself cannot stay with his parents – he finds them so evil.

    Yet, he is thinking of just leaving a hapless woman, new to his family at their mercy, while he thinks of ‘running away’. What a wicked wretch!

    Even if the girl manages to get along with his family, even if she does everything in her power to be a part of this family – this will never work out because your friend has decided he will not give a chance to his wife, to himself and his marriage.

    If you are really his friend – please give him this advice. If he is absolutely convinced he cannot go ahead with this marriage – let him bring ONLY his wife to Canada – ensure she becomes independent enough to find a job and then look at the separation. This is because once she is away from the pressure of the psychotic family – she too will be able to look at HER life calmly, and she atleast deserves this much – she definitley does not deserve to be discarded like some rubbish. I say this because I don’t think your friend has the nerve to go back to India, return her money, gold, jewels and give her a divorce – he has demonstrated how paralytic he is in front of his family. Of course he also has another choice. A saner, respectable one. One where he ACTUALLY gives his marriage a chance, one where he makes an effort to ACTUALLY know his wife. One where he can start a new life with his wife and take a decision to keep his parents and politics away. Because you know, at the end of the day – no one can ‘take control’ without you ‘giving it up’. So it’s time he stopped wallowing in self-pity and cut his pathetic drama.

    And my advice to you – for heaven’s sake, find some new friends. Losers like this one – for whom you speak – are nothing but energy suckers. They will not do anything for themselves – but will expect everyone around them to solve their problems. You are being strung along my man.

    IHM I wish there was a way this girl could be rescued from this pathetic whiner.

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      • @IHM,

        wasn’t there another email few months ago from a guy with a clingy wife he wanted to make her independent and dump her. You have so many posts that it was hard for DG to go through archives and find this particular one. Most comment writers here have made similar comments on that post too. What is going on here some kind of “pity party” for men who cannot stand up for themselves?

        Why do they all wake up to parental manipulation once they are married?
        About guilt tripping by parents was settled long back by DG through Forward’s terminology FOG. http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2009/10/16/emotional-blackmail/
        Unless people understand the martyr complex does not lead anywhere but keep you stuck they’ll not change anything about themselves and their situation.
        Peace,
        Desi Girl

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    • Sumana- i normally find all your comments very good. But today- respect! I was surprised not to find any from you yday, but you gave me utter delight today. I totally agree with whatever you have written. I too felt the same way after reading today’s letter – there is something else going on that A is not revealing and the pathetic excuses are to get rid of his wife.

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    • //according to A the wife is quite clingy and certainly believes the husband is everything, she has had that classic desi upbringing.//
      @Sumana, the exact sentence that annoys me. The result of what upbringing is HE exhibiting in all this?!

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      • I wonder who keeps thumbing you down. Exactly Shail. And for all that…what is so wrong with ‘desi upbringing’ of a girl? Yes it makes her less independent – but it also makes her that much more open to deal with the upheavels of a relationship.

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        • Oh the thumbing down is purely personal, I have noticed. Whatever I say I get a thumbs down. Even if I say “Thumbs up to the thumbs-down-er” that too will have a thumbs down!😉

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        • What is wrong with desi upbringing…I will tell you. I am getting a divorce from my Indian husband because I don’t have a “desi upbringing” apparently I am not submisive enough and I like to think for myself. Well hit the road jack and don’t come back no more

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    • Moonbeam,
      You said all I wanted to say.
      I agree with The Bride’s comments too.
      I would rather spend time advising the unfortunate wife than advising A.
      She is the victim.
      A is a defaulter.
      I wish the letter writer had written on behalf of the wife.
      He says A has read all these mails.
      Has the wife read it?
      That is more important.
      A has slept enough .
      Let him wake up at least now.
      Regards
      GV

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      • Who is the perpetrator? A? Parents? Culture?

        A and the wife both are victims. Heaping it one person will not solve anything, not condoning what he is contemplating but there is a reason or reasons why people think of doing this. It’s got nothing do with being an adult, it’s all about what you want vs what someone else wants from you. My first instinct was to punch A but I am sure the ground reality is something none of us have to go through.

        There is a wise saying.

        “If you don’t decide what you want out of your life, somebody else will”.

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      • ‘A has slept enough’ – a sad LOL. yes indeed. Can Mrs. A read these comments? Not at all. In all probability, Mrs. A will not have private access to a computer and internet connection. SHe will be busy in the basement kitchen rolling out chapathis.

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    • I think this guy owes the girl independence. The girl would have quit her job in India as she was preparing to go Canada. This guy can sponsor her studies/find her get some work in canada. This way it is easy for the girl to decide whether she wants to be in this relationship. It would be easy for A too.

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    • no one can ‘take control’ without you ‘giving it up’.
      totally agree!
      It makes me mad and unhappy at the same time that one gets into a marriage without giving thought to anything. And then gets into a sticky situation like this. Yes, being manipulated from childhood might be making it difficult for ‘A’ to speak up. BUT, he knows he is being manipulated and that is ENOUGH to stand up for himself (and for others he is responsible for). I do feel there might be other reasons why ‘A’ is so hell bent on getting his wife to Canada.

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      • One gets into a sticky situation because one feels no sense of responsibility towards anybody, including the oneself.

        A wants to suit himself in every way. He wants the parents to leave him alone, he wants the wife to get lost and he wants no blame to taint his pristine self. As they say in Hindi, “Chit bhi meri, pat bhi meri”.

        My ex was a mama’s boy too. The thing with such people is that they evade responsibility and see themselves as eternal victims. It’s not as if A willingly sacrificed for his parents either. Yes, he was raised in a dysfunctional family, but that’s not a justification for refusing to grow up.

        Life is all about choices and we should be willing to pay the price for the choices we make. There are no free lunches in life.

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  7. Manipulative control freaks as parents, wife who is clingy … the man has painted himself out into a victim. Dear sir, what are you? Spineless? Make some hard decisions and take control of your life … otherwise life has a nasty habit of making you irrelevant

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  8. That doesn’t make her clingy, but a traditional Indian wife. He told her about the ‘home situation’ with no allusions to his own lack of attraction to her, which didn’t tell her enough to consider getting out of the marriage. And given the circumstances, I am not sure coming out direct is a good idea (since it might make her feel unwanted by her own husband and totally crush her). He has to end it with her seeing that there doesn’t seem to be any chemistry between him and his wife and he has to find a tactful, diplomatic way to do it (making the point by minimising the hurt and feeling of betrayal).
     
    Unlike what some commenters suggested, he has no obligation or duty towards his wife, the emotional pleas notwitstanding. However, it would be good courtesy if he helps her through the pain of a divorce and compensates her for what she has to go through. She is after all, as much a victim of this toxic situation as he is and needs all the help she can get.
     
    What a mess, really! Behold, the Great Indian Culture (TM)!

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    • //Unlike what some commenters suggested, he has no obligation or duty towards his wife// Every person has an obligation to speak the truth, and every person deserves to know the truth.

      I agree both have been victims. But let us compare the two victims. THis guy has the prospect of employment, of earning money, of staying abroad. He has the options of ‘running away’, abandoning his wife, not accepting her, living with other women EVEN while he is married. He HAD THE OPTION of saying NO – this option is NOTgiven to girls.

      Now look at the girl. A typical profile – they would have cut short her education. She would not be allowed to work and earn money. She was just a piece of furniture who was moved from parent’s house to in-laws house. She is like a rabbit in a python’s cage. Her ONLY chance for a ‘decent’ life is by accepting this decadent family and husband – don’t you see how pathetic it is for her? His parents have taken gifts, gold, jewellry, money and what not at the time of marriage while he stood like mule. He has EVERY OBLIGATION AND DUTY to ensure her safety and wellbeing till this is settled. For her part, has’nt she not accepted the dismal situation? Is she not willing to work things out? Does she not deserve a little bit of empathy, understanding and compassion in return?

      I know everyone talks of giving ‘equal’ opinions – you know we are yelling at this guy for not standing up…so why are we not yelling at the woman? Because while the guy still has escape routes, this girl has none. If this girl had raised her voice against a forced marriage, had raised her voice and said she wants to work, study – they would have pushed her into a well or slit her throat and that would be the end of her. Honour killing. Their honour is preserved by the killing of a woman who demanded her fundamental rights. Let’s talk of equality when there is a level playing field.

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        • IHM – the moral and ethical debate apart – I think the email writer should, ASAP, get ‘A’ to look at the legal aspects. ‘A’ is in Canada as we speak. His wife is in India. ‘A’ is now debating whether he should sponsor her visa as she languishes in his house – or just cut off all contact and disappear so to speak.

          His marriage is registered according to the Hindu Marriage Act I presume. I am assuming any legal separation has to be initiated in India. He needs to come down, face everyone, find a lawyer and do this. This will be a huge, huge mess – not to mention time consuming.

          Now, if he chooses to disappear – he is under the naive assumption that people will forget about him. Here are the things that will happen to him if he disappears –

          1) THe girl’s family can logde a criminal complaint to recover the dowry etc. and his family could land up behind bars while he’s on the run.
          2) As they showed in Satyameva Jayate – the girl can take the missing person FIR to the embassy – where his passport will be hotlisted. His visa could be cancelled, and he could be deported.

          So he will get into unnecessary legal trouble which will become a blacklist on his passport and career. His safest option is to expedite the visa process, bring his wife to Canada – and work things out – be it separation, or going ahead with the marriage.

          Is there anyone who can give crucial legal advice to this guy?

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    • Thats the problem here, he is caught on all ends, he has run into a brick wall and he cannot take it anymore. He does have obligation if he stays but he has no obligation to make a life for her if he decides to leave her, I will never buy into that argument…. it is wrong no matter what the emotions are.

      All cultural nuances aside and no matter what the circumstances, once people go their own ways, that’s it, it’s over.

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      • I really sympathize with the guy here. I know what this kind of manipulative, emotionally blackmailing upbringing can do to people, and really, it’s not a simple matter of standing up and saying no. There are huge mental and psychological obstacles one has to surmount in order to be able to do that. I also sympathize with the girl, of course, but I think people should save themselves first. He is clearly incapable of helping himself, how can we expect him to act as a knight in shining armour of sorts for the girl?

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        • //I think people should save themselves first.// WHich he did not do because he did get married. Please note the reason why everyone is angry with this guy is because this would be a typical indian wedding. the girl’s family would have spent a HUGE money on the wedding and dowry. The girl faces two options – either listening to her parents, or ending up dead – and this is why she is so terrified of her new husband’s slippery behaviour – going back to her parents is NOT an option for her. Understand her upbringing – think taliban.

          //He is clearly incapable of helping himself, how can we expect him to act as a knight in shining armour of sorts for the girl?// If he can think of running away and cutting loose…surely he can be decent enough to help this girl – his wife – who is in an even more helpless situation? Why are we all angry with him? Because he wants to run away and escape this torture – while LEAVING HIS WIFE WITH HIS HORRIBLE PARENTS TO FACE THE CONSEQUENCES. If you can’t help someone – you also don’t have the right to push them into more trouble isn’t it? That’s why i don’t have any sympathy for this guy – because even in the worst circumstances, people have shown a thread of character – which is severely lacking in this guy.

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        • @ Moonbeam
          Your arguments are based on the lowest common denominator of what you believe this marriage situation is like. So, by using a similar LCD, we could as well assume that the woman is a green card hunter and use that to ‘explain’ her supposed ‘clingyness’. Extremes of cultural situations do not an argument make.

          @ blinkdot and Glacier
          Indeed, A should save himself first. To loosely translate an Assamese proverb, “if a person can’t swim, he (or she) shouldn’t try to save a drowning person.” Invoking duty and obligations in this situation is as you said, invoking ’emotional rights’. It is like the suggestion that women owe men sexual fulfillment if they evoke his lust.

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      • //He does have obligation if he stays but he has no obligation to make a life for her if he decides to leave her// He has every obligation to RETURN the money her parents would have spent on the wedding, the dowry, the gold and so on.

        At the same time, he also has no right to push her into more trouble by abandoning her since he spoke of running away. Note that he wants to leave her at the mercy of HIS parents while he cuts loose.

        //All cultural nuances aside// – it is a culture that thinks killing an abandoned girl is a good way of preserving honour. So yes, we have to take culture into account because for no fault of hers, the girl could end up dead. Oh, I forgot – a woman’s life is very cheap in India. The guy – yeah – we can put up all the psychological analysis and justify his escape – but the girl **shrugs shoulders** – yeah…she has to be done away with.

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        • Wow that’s a heavy label for an indian guy to get married and remain married. “Oooo don’t leave the wife, she will die, her life will be destroyed ….”. It must be really hard for indian men to walk around with that kind of sword to their heads.

          She is not being done away with and nowhere did I read that he is leaving her with the parents. According to the LW it seems she is still in the home country.
          It will be much worse if she comes over and lives with him.

          Lets not make ’emotional rights’ as we go along. My advice to A stands the same, tell her the truth before she comes over then you do what you have to do to save your as*. Take action.

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        • Glacier – not sure if you are from India, and you even understand how an Indian marriage works. // “Oooo don’t leave the wife, she will die, her life will be destroyed ….”. It must be really hard for indian men to walk around with that kind of sword to their heads.//

          Now that’s a clear misrepresentation of all that is being told here. No one is asking the guy to stick on with a wife he does not want to be with. Everyone is angry because he is not being forthright with the girl and using every underhand trick to escape the situation. And whether you like it or not – death/ostracisationis the reality of hundreds of thousands of girls in a failed marriage.

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        • Replying to Glacier @3.05 am (downthread).
          Unfortunately, an Indian woman’s life is destroyed, pretty much, after divorce.

          In India, the blame for a failed marriage rests almost entirely on the woman. She is shunned, isolated and gossiped about. I am talking about the educated, upper middle-class circles to which I belong.

          Divorced women are shunned even by the uber-educated NRI crowd in the US — people with advanced degrees and four-car garages.

          Divorce is highly stigmatised in Indian circles whichever part of the world they may be in.

          Based on the LW’s description, the wife probably belongs to a semi-urban/urban socio-economic background in India.

          In such families, a daughter’s divorce is a calamity. They’d rather see her dead than divorced. She’ll be blamed for bringing shame and dishonour to the family.

          You cannot underestimated the power of social shaming and isolation. It can be devastating, especially to one as young as A’s wife.

          Living amongst people who heap scorn on you for no fault of yours is a torturous experience.

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    • “Why do you feel this way?”
      Ethics. Given that both the man and woman in this situation are equal victims, it is unfair to burden one partner (in this case the man) with a ‘duty and obligation’ that will help nothing but to prevent the only possible escape route for A. Sponsoring and bringing his wife to Canada might end up putting him into such a legal quagmire that he is never able to get out of the situation (as a divorce proceeding can bleed him dry and eventually make him more dependant on his parents).
       
      Besides, the concept of duty in its traditional sense doesn’t apply here since A didn’t marry the woman out of his own volition (but blackmail and coercion). The wife has been imposed on him and by most traditional definition of what ‘closes’ a marriage deal, the man didn’t accept the woman as his wife and did his part to maintain that status quo. If his parents end up behind bars because of him running away, it will be a well deserved punishment.
       
      As for the options he has, these are all theoretical. One cannot use theoretical assumptions to advice real world people, unless we know his and her situation. As I have observed in the real world, women grossly over-estimate a man’s financial, employment and sexual opportunities.

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      • Ethics? But of course!
        Its ethical to go ahead with the marriage and not give the girl an inkling from the time of engagement to the day of wedding.. He was sleeping through the decision-making, and continued to sleep through the engagement process, and the wedding.. This in an age of internet, smartphones, emails.. She is just one call/email away!! What ‘shame’ he is ready to bring upon himself and the girl now, he could not decide to bring upon just himself earlier?.. And he is under no obligation now though he has pulled someone into the mire?

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  9. so lets see the 2 families now – the boys side that tells a grown up man – we have committed. the girls father who tells her, irrespective of how he is, we have committed.
    of course there was dowry here. there is no other basis of this marriage being “fixed” if the bride and the groom did not say yes explicitly.

    so, that dowry needs to go back. and the marriage expenses need to be reimbursed IN FULL. the boy’s mom wont like that. so she wants the marriage to “work” .

    The man doesnt want to stay married to the girl but wont say why.

    What does he mean “clingy”?

    If A cant think of positive adjectives for anyone around him, (the mother is manipulative, the father is timid, the brother is poor thing,the sister in law is a bitch behind her back… and the friend doing all this for him is? ) – i really think he needs to work on himself before thinking of marrying etc.

    The only person who can take a decision on all this is the wife. she should read all these comments , talk to A, and then decide what she wants to do. I agree that once she knows A doesnt want the marriage and realises the complex nature of this person , she might want to not relocate. The easiest way to do this is for A to travel to india for a week and spend that week “holidaying” wiht his wife. He owes her, at least, honesty.

    Please do that before you uproot the girl and bring her to Canada. She will come informed and she will then explore this life for what it is.

    All the Best .

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  10. I do not think MR.A is obligated to assist his wife in any manner.Marriage is all about two adults marrying each other for the sake of themselves and no partner is responsible for another. The wife too needs to be blamed for spinelessness because she has been foolish enough to marry someone who doesn’t love her, it is her duty to consider her parents advice but on the other hand she needs to ensure that the parents do not force her into a shambolic situation and if she does and still gets into one then she should feel lucky for any assistance extended by the parents.MR.A has been pretty stupid, but why the hell should we force him to generate love for his wife when its evident that the spark in the relationship is missing? Is the wife not responsible for her mistake of marrying someone who doesn’t love her? Isn’t she spineless for getting manipulated into marrying MR A?. The bottom line is that both have made bad choices and hence the only way out is to separate.My advice for MR.A would be to discuss this issue with his wife and to feel free to ditch her and not feel guilty about himself.MR A is not accountable to his wife because he hasn’t promised her that he will not ditch her even if he craves to.

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    • Holy shit. On some level, I actually agree with the Subosh. Never thought this day would come. If he is spineless, so is she -they both married without a say in it. However, I do think he is obligated to give the marriage a chance.

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    • Ah! how can Mr.Sushobh not comment? If it has to be completely against what all tohers in this blog are saying. No- i am all for differences of opinion, but to state”feel free to ditch her and not feel guilty?”
      Sushobh- how will you feel if you were ditched by someone whom you have entrusted your life, your future with? You have dreams of living a life with that person and that person, for no fault of yours, ditches you, just coz he is not able to stand up against his parents?
      Agreed, the girl also did not stand up against hers- but would you know whether she loves her husband? Maybe she does since she wants to come to Canada and give the relationship a chance. Noone here is forcing him to love his wife- ppl are only saying that he cannot abandon her. The least that A can do is to bring her to Canada, help her get a work permit and a job so that atleast she can stand on her feet independently and atleast try to give the marriage a shot. If it still doesnt work, atleast the girl will have something to hold on to, instead of her whole life being ruined. Remember- A has every opportunity to remarry and that too easily, he is working, making money and doesnt need to worry about next day’s food. And he has probably got a lot of dowry and gifts as well. But his wife- no job, no income, remarriage-fat chance plus a huge financial burden to parents already on account of marriage expenses, dowry and gifts.

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      • “You have dreams of living a life with that person and that person, for no fault of yours, ditches you, just coz he is not able to stand up against his parents?”

        No, you are horribly mistaken.He ditches you because he doesnt love you. Its plain simple, MRA doesnt love the woman,doesnt want to spend his life alongside her and terribly in need of love and therefore he has every right to ditch her.Why should he take care of the woman when she is no longer his wife? Why should he be paying the price if the woman cant take of herself?. MRA please abandon the relationship if you feel like it, respect your parents opinion but not let them have the final say when it comes to marriage and then start dating another woman.Dont worry about your ex wife because quite simply SHE IS YOUR EX and let her find another man if she wants to.

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        • Hmm Sushobh, singing a different tune today, aren’t we? What happened to Indian culture, family values and such-like?

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        • I don’t know how this issue can have anything to do with Indian culture.Many men in the past have deserted their wives for better prospects in the spouse market, and that is what is exactly happening here. I discourage separation on the basis of silly reasons like snoring,housework,clothing,sleeping habits,excessive gaming etc which are heavily prevalent in some other nations but this here is a different and a more serious reason.MRA just doesn’t love her so there is no margin for love generation or having another go at love making, and if this point is not clear than all my attempts here will surely prove futile. But personally i hope that as a human being and as a good man MRA should make sure his EX has enough to eat and can meet her daily needs.

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      • I don’t think the girl has been naive enough to actually trust A. This is something that has been foisted on both parties, the girl and the boy, it seemed to me. And if indeed she has, then it’s too much Bollywood conditioning. I really find it strange that I am disagreeing with so many commenters on this issue, since people on this blog usually speak exactly what I feel better than I can myself. My mother, on the other hand, would agree with the commenters and she often says that her views have been modified by experience of the world, while I am still a little naive. She thinks the man is a twit and on some level is comfortable with living off his parents and probably doesn’t want to marry this girl because she would finally mean some responsibility, OR he has some affair with some other girl which he wants to continue peacefully. So am I just being dumb and young to feel for this guy as I would feel for any girl in the same situation? My mother says society is so skewed that it makes even exactly similar situations fundamentally different for men and women, but I don’t know if I agree with this.

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        • Agree with your mother Blinkdot. Gender often makes the outcomes of exactly similar situations very different for men and women.

          Take the civil services exam. A male topper can expect crores in dowry and a pile of marriage proposals.

          A female candidate who tops the exam can expect a 100-word article in the Times of India and parental anxiety about her marriage prospects.

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    • Just a reminder: A and his wife have both taken the leap together (i.e. got married) but I don’t find ANY indication that the wife wants out.

      So given that A agreed to get married (no matter what the conditions were) and (at face value) he is the one chickening out, HE is the one being justifiably being called SPINELESS.

      Was A under the impression that after marrying him his bride was to stay back in India and thus he now has reservations about bringing her over?
      I don’t know how some people could even think about sympathizing with A. He knows VERY well that Canadian divorce laws are a lot more stringent (i.e. prudent) and he will end up paying a very heavy price for his spinelessness. Why are otherwise logical and aware folks (NOT including our dear Sushobh here) still not able to grasp this simple thing?

      IMO calling A spineless is an understatement, doesn’t reveal that he is as much an abuser as his mother/family when he’s thinking about not sponsoring his lawfully wedded wife to his country of residence just because it’ll become more difficult for him to abandon his duties once he does.

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  11. he married the woman… and if she wants to stay in the marriage, he is obligated to give it a shot, since he was fully aware of what he was doing when he married her.

    Move out, cut ties from these crazy parents, start a new life, try and make it work with the wife. If it’s not working out, then divorce. But he must try to make it work, since he was fool enough to get married in the first place.

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  12. This A seems to be under delusion that love marriages will all be heaven where if only he had love marriage it would save him from the misery of his manipulative parents and keep him 100% happy his whole life.

    News flash – marriage is hard. Whether love marriage or arranged marriage it is still hard because marriage requires of you to be a willing servant – a being who willingly becomes selfless for the sake of the other and derives happiness from seeing the other happy. 

    Go to any other successful marriage whether love or arranged – the only reason they succeed is because one or both of them are selfless. 

    A is selfish in thinking that his wife is there to only make him happy and since he is not happy he wants divorce. 

    It doesn’t matter how many times he marries or has love marriages but if he is this selfish then he will always be depressed single his whole life. 

    If he is looking for love the he needs to give it. Love is given not earned. But respect is earned not given. 

    Be a man who loves his wife because she is your wife. Love her not for what she did or will do for you but because she IS your wife. Then you will find that lifelong love you idealized your whole life about. 

    A needs to move out ASAP without informing his parents and then telling them he needs to be single wih his wife and wants to have his own family. Even if they start mudslinging he needs to say that much because it is his responsibility to let them know that this is somthing he needs to do as a married man now. 

    Then get the wife and even go on a holiday trip and get to know eachother as friends. Date her. Know her interests.  Share her your thoughts and feelings. Grow closer as friends and couple. The base for lifelong happy relationship always is friendship. This is why friendships are said to be lifelong. 

    As friends you give respect, space, comfort and support. This is something that relationship also always needs and the lack of these things is why a relationship crumbles. There is inherently a willingness to be a servant in friendship – you will be selfless because you want the other person to be happy even at the cost of your unhappiness. 

    This is why A needs to be friends with her and accept her for who she is and become selfless. He will have the love marriage he always idealized. 

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  13. oh god… Are these people exposed to the world or do they keep them parents and all locked in the basement.

    A’s parents and his wife’s parents fixed their marriage and these guys had no choice ( i cringe to type this – EVERYONE has a choice) ok they get led like idiots and then after the DEED is done A suddenly decides he doesn’t like the girl. so he scares the girl hoping she’ll flee and cut him loose.
    now coming to the girl, her parents decide her life, so it’s done, if she backs out they are simply going to find another ‘BAKRA’ that’s all , maybe diff groom same set of circumstances. so she says ok fine whatever atleast there’s a change in scenary here . and tells a SHE’LL TAKE THE TORTURE ( TYPICAL INDIAN PATNI)
    now A wants to run… why didn’t he run before he got married ????

    anyway what’s done is done. Girl is coming to canada. probably knows depending ont he society she is in her life is a misery either way, in her shoes I’d pick canada too. far away, new family and if dowry has changed hands then the MIL could potentially be nice to her.
    so basically this is a forced arranged marriage between 2 adults , forced by parents , well i’d say you have 2 choices.

    1. tell the girl you are running for your life, give her the choice
    to run too, if you don’t want her, tell her YOU DONT LIKE HER and WANT to DUMP HER infront of everyone, tell your dad he had no business giving his word unless he was the groom ( hey you are going to cut and run remember – so mouth off)
    leave her to fend for herself. let her and her parents guilt your mom to high heaven and hopefully retrieve all their monies and maybe just maybe the girl will wake up, assrt herself and make a new life in canada – thanks to you. Of course divorce in canada is going ot be painful for you and your parents and potentially wreck your family money situation.. but hey collateral damage.

    2. stay and continue the marriage, suffocate in the basement, produce the reqd kids and live a miserable existance, that’s the way it has been so far and A nor his wife felt the need to change it right? if his wife is from a traditional family she’ll fit right in and won’t find it suffocating at all. she’s trained that way till she sees the free bahus in canada and then she’ll take revenge on your mom ( probably in her old age)

    now i might come across as sarcastic and i am , but what to do. we have a similar sitauation in out distant family and oh boy that innocent bride who never looked up at elders even turned into a veritable virago. apparently she fixed the MIL, FIL , rescued her 2 co-sis’s and now dictated what should be done by her husband. (he’s quite spineless and is content to take direction- nothing wrong in that) . so A will never know maybe his wife will fix the situation for him. after all in IMO there is nothing he can do now which will make it better all around- someone is going to get HURT in this mess.

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  14. This whole situation is nightmarish, and the person responsible is A. Until A grows up and learns to stand up for himself nothing will change. But what I find interesting in this letter is how everyone is blamed other than A. It’s offensive to call the wife “clingy”. And what does that even mean? Which newly wed does not want her husband to be all things for her? The only way the situation can be salvaged is for A to get out from under the influence of his parents and siblings, move to another town (or even a different country), try and make it work with his wife. If it does not work out with the wife, then get a divorce making sure she is self sufficient at least. The parents don’t deserve any consideration in this situation.

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  15. A. Just do what you got to do. It’s bad either way. Self respect, dignity are good virtues but that crap ain’t gonna help you right now. If don’t want the wife, future children go now end it, do whatever you need to do make this happen.

    If you stay you gotta put everything in it, you can’t be wishy washy about it, this is one of those black & white areas. It’s either black or white, not any shade of gray.

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    • //Self respect, dignity are good virtues but that crap ain’t gonna help you right now.// These are the ONLY virtues that will help him – to stand up for his rights and do the right thing. It is precisely because he lacks these virtues that his life is in a mess.

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  16. This is the classic case of the pot calling the kettle black.

    The point is “A” has decided he does not want the wife, so anything she does, he’s gonna take it in the wrong way.

    If she is easy going and not demanding she is clingy, maybe if she had opinions of her own, he would have called her “just like his mother”.

    Maybe “A” should take a look at himself first before he tries to find fault with everyone.

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  17. My first piece of advice to ‘A’- Stop getting worked up! I understand you are in a crisis- Life’s problems seem totally overwhelming and unavoidable at this point, but burying your head in the sand and wallowing in self pity will get you nowhere. We all have escapist fantasies when deep in trouble, but running away is no solution. You are an adult, and must act like one. The responsible thing to do is to face all your problems head on. I know it’s not going to be easy, it never is but this is your chance to get your act together.
    One thing you need to understand is that you married a person, not a cabbage. She is going to have feelings and reactions towards this situation, just the way you do and they may certainly differ from yours. I understand that you are feeling a lot of pressure but you cannot take out your frustrations on the woman you married or expect her to magically disappear from your life. Please realize that you cannot put this on her. Using scare tactics like describing the situation of your home is extremely childish and selfish. You could have done this before tying the knot with her, but you chose not to. Why now? Is it because it’s the easier way out for you?
    You think she’s being clingy for wanting to stay with you even after you told her about the home situation? Dude she married you, had certain expectations (even though she was forced into it), and just like you are surrounded by all that soul crushing pressure, she too must be feeling overwhelmed and overpowered by what’s happening to her. She is not being clingy, it’s you who doesn’t have the energy and power left to deal with her.
    Even though you don’t owe her your whole life, you shouldn’t have to be a martyr by staying married to her, the one thing you do owe her is honesty. Please come out clean to her. She deserves to know the truth. Stop playing games.
    After you drop the bomb, expect her to be devastated and desperate. She will feel the height of shock, hurt and betrayal at the moment. It would be an extremely distressing situation for you to handle. Tell her clearly that she is not to be blamed and assure her that you are ready to take the blame for the hurt that you have caused her and will not hide away from revealing the truth to your and her parents. Keep your words and most importantly do all this in person. Don’t leave the hapless woman alone with your family.
    You will feel guilty and pressured to continue being married to her while doing all this; let go of it. Because if you don’t wish to, you shouldn’t settle for such an arrangement; if you do, you’ll end up making both your as well as her life a living hell. But realize that it might take her sometime to come to terms with the reality. You must give her the time.
    Meanwhile, struggle with your own feelings and experience your own pain and anguish. You are a human as well and you need to get your feelings out. But don’t unload it all on your friends. See a therapist. Find a place of your own; get your finances right and move out. When you announce your decision to move out, you can expect your parents to collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your “cruelty”. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. But most of it will come from their controlling and manipulative streak.
    Don’t fall for this; tell them clearly and firmly that you are sorry they are upset. You are sorry they are hurt. But you are not willing to give up on this. You’ve been hurting for a long time, too.
    When your wife’s ready get your marriage annulled.
    Remember once you move out you must cut all sorts of contact with your family. Give yourself the time to heal. Discover and enjoy your freedom. Understand what gaslighting is and make sure to never fall for it ever again. Take your life in your own hands and know that only you are responsible for yourself. Build up your confidence and remember you can’t blame your parents forever. Free yourself from all that baggage.

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    • Thank you everyone🙂

      @Small Town Feminist–No, I am not a therapist. Just a 20-something confused about what career to pick :p

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    • Yes I believe gas-lighting is more appropriate term than blackmail, I agree he seems emotionally drained and desires of ‘running away’. I doubt what you suggested would happen, he seems afraid of being cut off as well, damn who would not be.

      It’s real sad when people who you are supposed to go to in times of trouble are the same who cause you misery. Worse they are nice to you in person and gently stab your back with a marmalade laden knife.

      I only see two ends to this.

      1) A ‘runs’, gets the marriage dissolved. He should go for annulment and tell the girl everything from A to Z. Cuts off the family and starts anew somewhere else.

      2) A stays and agrees with the demands of the family. He is conditioned to obey even though in his hearts of hearts he does not want to. I don’t this is being spineless, he probably has been raised this way all his life.

      The good indian son as always, “Nice doggy, here you go clothes, food, place to stay, oh yes here is a big giant invisible leash that we will tie around you neck, it will used to yank your guilt chain, obedience chain and later in the WIFE chain. Now eat your food, sleep and obey us, good doggy”.

      A, You are better than a dog.

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      • I really hope that he doesn’t choose the 2nd option. Although if he chooses that option, I won’t call him spineless either. The combination of internal self-esteem deficit, and the positive attention given to the victim when he is not being abused emotionally is enough to convince him to stay put. Gaslighting is powerful, and overcoming it is not easy to do alone. Also we must not forget the societal pressure; if he chooses to cut loose, he’d be blamed for abandoning his parents and disregarding all the sacrifices that they have made for him and blah blah blah. This is too much pressure and can break anybody. My only advice to ‘A’ is to immediately seek a therapist.

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        • “The combination of internal self-esteem deficit, and the positive attention given to the victim when he is not being abused emotionally is enough to convince him to stay put.”

          Exactly, manipulate A into marriage & then butter him to stay in it. Abuse does not occur 100% of the time, it is on-off-on-off, the victim is always confused and self doubt creeps in.

          Agree with the therapist but first he needs to take action.

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    • Wow! I guess somebody didn’t like my comment. I am fine with it. But it is funny how that person went on disliking/ giving a thumbs down to every commentator who had something nice to say about my suggestions.

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  18. I feel sorry for A. His parents are obviously a miserable pair, but they are still his parents. He can’t help the family he was born into. However, there is the question of him standing up for himself, which I guess he will have to do at the cost of losing his family. Would it be that easy for any of you to walk away from your family?

    This is like a classic abuse situation. People always ask why do abused people stay with their abusers so long. Same in any situation. A’s parents are emotionally abusive, yet he stays. Now he has drug a wife into this mess, who the LW claims is clingy. Jeez. What a hot mess.

    I stayed silent yesterday, but now that we get part 2, I feel compelled to say, A, it’s time for you to put up or shut up. If you are tired of your parents treating you like crap, leave and accept that you might never talk to them again. Accept that the people who raised you are vile, and then accept that there is life beyond that ugliness.

    As for your wife. I don’t know. I’ve only heard about the social stigma attached to divorced women in India. But then again, it seems as if there is some type of stigma attached to everything in India. If you don’t want to be married to this lady, cut her free. Let her go off and live a life with another man who might really want her. Maybe she will be stigmatized, but isn’t it worse to live a lie?

    Seems as if Indian culture, or some aspects of it, just encourage people to live lies. One giant emotional pressure cooker.

    Change starts with one person. If A wants a free life, he’s gotta start with the man in the mirror. Yes, I just quoted Michael Jackson.

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    • “…but then again, it seems as if there is some type of stigma attached to everything in India”.

      This made me cringe because it’s so true. You don’t have to be an axe murderer to be stigmatised and shamed in India.

      You just have to flunk college, fall in love, have choice marriages, get divorced, have only daughters, be childless and single, defy parental diktats, be a rape/abuse victim….ugh the list is endless.

      You’re right American Woman, you don’t have to do much to be stigmatised in India.

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      • What’s the solution for this biwo? I always try to think of solutions too,but I don’t know. I think it will take some very very brave people to change these things in India. Maybe our friend A can lead some changes. He has royally screwed up thus far, but there is time for him to reroute.

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  19. I’m just wondering if this is the whole story…Is there a girlfriend from another culture involved? I know a lot of cases when guys have been ‘forced’ to marry an Indian girl because the parents don’t want a foreign bahu…Regardless, this is what I have to say to A – grow up and do what’s right for your wife and yourself…

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  20. The only reason why A has suddenly realized that he doesn’t want to be married is because once he brings his wife to Canada, he will be obliged to pay some alimony if he wants out. He probably wishes to get away without having to pay a single cent.

    If he wishes to start his new life with honesty and courage, he needs to pay back the girl all the amount that her parents paid in dowry, all the marriage expenses and some more amount of money for his betrayal. That is the least he could do for damaging a girl’s respect in Indian society.

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  21. So, there is this fully grown adult who does not have the guts to stand up for himself. Then he marries a girl, but does not want to take any responsibility for this action of his because he has never had the guts to stand up for himself.

    And he also blames the girl saying that she is ‘clingy.’ Well, the girl got married and like every other girl, she has had aspirations and desires when it comes to a marriage and it will be a shock to her that this particular dream of hers is not working out AT ALL and for no fault of hers. And no one has the guts to give her any reason as to why this is not working out. The man that was supposed to take care of her well being at his/ his parents house just wants to run away like an adolescent.

    And he still refuses to take any responsibility, instead he wants to blame his parents for everything and wants her to leave of her own volition, instead of telling her that he does not want to go ahead with the marriage.

    At which of these points is he planning to grow a spine and actually talk to his parents?

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  22. This is not really related to the topic at hand, but IHM, I wanted to tell you that I discovered your blog the other day, and it has been love at first sight.❤❤❤.
    Regarding A's situation, one reads so much about wives abandoned by NRIs after marriage, but this is the first time I have read about the husband's perspective. It is sort of interesting.
    I have lived with overbearing parents too, and I also let them brow-beat me into a marriage. And I also felt that getting a divorce would be easier than saying no now, mostly because no one was listening. I do not condone what he has done, but I sympathize. (I am a girl, and I did give my marriage a chance, and it worked out.)

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  23. One final note. Don’t know if anyone will see, but if only A sees, then it’s okay.

    A, we’ve had a lot to say about you here. Some of the comments might seem cruel, yet you may feel deserving of them. After all, you have made some missteps and mistakes. But, I want to say that everything can be okay, if you let it be okay. Here is how:

    First, take responsibility for the mistakes you have made. There is no need to berate yourself by thinking you are spineless or any other negative things, just acknowledge that you are a human being who made some big mistakes. Stop blaming your parents, or your wife, or your siblings. I know Indian culture is collective (or so they say), but at the end of the day we are all individuals with individual choices to make that might or might not be based on collective factors. Admit that you individually made some huge mistakes.

    Second, really think about how you want to move forward. Not how your mom feels or your dad (you’ve done enough to consider their wayward feelings) or your wife. I know that many posters said you should give the girl a shot, as you married her, but a woman is not a shirt you can return to the store, OR a shirt that you should keep because you made the mistake of buying it. It’s dang near impossible to be selfless and sacrificing for a person you don’t know. Yes, you made a mistake in marrying her, but no, you shouldn’t have to stay married to her to save her reputation in India, or to save her from social stigmas. That is India’s issue. At no point should any person experience such shame because their marriage did not work out. It’s not your fault, or her’s that you were born in a country that has such negative and illogical views. Yes, you did make the mistake of marrying her, and if you divorce her, making her an agent of change against her will, but I think you both and the country will be the better for it. You have the opportunity to be the bigger person, go for it.

    And of course there is the matter of your parents. The people who raised you, who probably never fail to remind you that they gave you so much. Well, if they can’t support you living your life the way you want, if they can’t be the loving and supportive family members they should be, then you should really question whether you need that kind of negative energy and if you should move forward in life without them if they can’t act like adults.

    Good luck!

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    • American woman, you are clearly not getting Indian code language. “Give the marriage a try” is Indian code for, the deed is done, there is no way out, so put your personal desires aside and stay in the marriage long enough until more inane social responsibilities make it unthinkable for you to quit and kill all your hopes. Now that society has made it impossible for you to dream of a different life, you will eventually teach yourself to get used to the other person.

      This is how it works for both Indian men and women.

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  24. A seems to be making one mistake after another. First he allows his family to manipulate him (even as an ADULT), then he allows himself be to emotionally blackmailed into marrying someone and now he wants to run away. Will there ever be an end to his cowardice? The sad part is that he’s going to run away and not have to deal with anything other than just being estranged from his family (which would have happened at some point even otherwise). He will remain in Canada and begin a new life, while the wife is going to be blamed for the failed marriage. I would have respected him if he planned to run away at least before the wedding after letting the girl know why he is not interested in marrying her. I am not sure how A will ever survive in the real world if he keeps playing the victim…What he needs is not advice from people on this forum, but a therapist to help him stop playing the victim and blame everyone but himself for the mess he is in. To the person who wrote on A’s behalf, if you really want to help A, please take him to a therapist ASAP.
    If he does run away, I REALLY hope that someone who cares about the wife (since she does not seem capable of taking charge either) makes A face legal implications. Because, nowhere in this scenario does he seem to be bothered the least bit about his wife. I know it is hard to think about the other person when you are in this scenario, but he needs to pay at some point for ALWAYS trying to take the easy route.

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  25. I never knew the NRI’s could be this conservative. Though I really feel bad for the girl,I do hope she can stand for herself. A needs to stand in front of his parents and tell them what he wants,not ask them. He owes it to himself and his wife too

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  26. I want to address this comment not to A or the wife but someone else – the letter writer. I don’t know if anyone noticed, but it seems the letter writer is not questioning anything about A’s behaviour. So letter writer are you A yourself? If not, why are you not being objective enough and telling him he needs to stand up for himself and that he cannot abdicate responsibility especially by not saying directly that he doesn’t want to live with that wife.

    If I married in good faith and I am expecting a normal marriage, news about initial living with parents might not ‘scare’ me away, because I expect things to be normal and normal means that parents do come around because as manipulative as parents can be, we Indian families like to remain glued together and sometimes for the sake of not letting the chirag go completely away the MIL will tolerate the bahu who doesnt accept her control. Case in point, the older brother’s wife. Now that’s a woman. She didn’t take MIL’s shit, so what if MIL is cursing her behind her back, when she is around, MIL has to behave isnt it? Basically, she has drawn the boundaries clearly, dislike me however much you will, but you wont disrespect me when I am around. That’s a good thing in fact.

    If you are not A, are you a woman? I am sorry I am going to a different topic but most guys I know wouldn’t discuss the virginity of their wife with another man, even if she is indeed a virgin. The only reason I am asking you this is because I know of cases where men dont want to take decisions and they tell the so-called ‘other’ woman that the wife is clingy, not of their mental wavelenght and if only parents agreed, someone else changed, they earned more or they had money for the alimony, they would divorce. In this case, both women tend to believe the guy until one of them finally wakes up to the fact that he is just selfish and is only serving his own interests.

    If you are a man LW, then also I would stay be a bit more objective. I know its nice to be a good friend, but I would suggest don’t fly down, because I can see you are getting drawn into the emotional tug of war. It isn’t going to help your friend, who will only find a new shoulder to cry on and put all the blame on. Your friend A needs to accept that he messed up, he needs to be honest with himself and then be honest with the wife. He has to face the ***tstorm before things can be better. Now that will be tough, but it needs to be done. Either he has to face the storm or accept that he doesn’t want to and accept that choice of doing nothing. He can’t have it all ways.

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