And here’s the email, mentioned in the last post, from an Indian girl in her twenties. Seeing how many such emails are received, clearly this is not an uncommon scenario.
I am an average Indian girl in her early twenties, from an educated, middle class love knit family. Both my parents are working and have brought up me and my sister in a disciplined atmosphere, by giving us immense love and freedom /space. I was always an above average student.
I joined my college and happened to be in relation with a guy (with an intention to marry him). It turned out to be mess within a year. I was not allowed by him to talk to any boys in the college. I was banned from calling up my parents, accessing internet and so on… stupid and unbearable restrictions popped up day by day. And whenever I tried to complain, he always told me these are the issues that happen in every family and nobody will brag about that. I WAS A PERSON WHO THOUGHT INDIAN HUSBANDS WILL (AND CAN) DOMINATE THEIR WIVES AND THERE IS NOTHING UNNATURAL IN THAT.
The stupid me went on with the relation in a hope that things will turn around … I lost all my confidence… My marks fell drastically. …On the day of my Model exams, he rang me up and said he is going to kill me if I attend the exam. I had no other go. I made up my mind to permanently stop this relation and ran away from the hostel without anybody’s knowledge. With the help of my parents (they never blamed or showed a bad face at me) I was somewhat normal. I returned, gave exams and did just okay.
I then went out of the town to pursue my higher studies. I always had the fear of *What if he sees me?* Initially, I had problems to interact with the boys. I was afraid to travel alone in buses and trains. I felt very insecure.
One day, I opened up myself to a boy whom I felt close. He heard the whole story and gave me courage to face the world. We talked over the phone and texted every day after class. I felt secure in his company.
He helped me to get back with my studies. We became best friends. After some days he proposed me. He told he want me to be with him for the rest of his life. I felt inferior. I told him, *you know what all happened in my life. You deserve a better girl*. He kept quiet. He waited for me to be normal and repeated his request. I laughed it off showing him so many lame excuses. But finally, I had to commit. I committed cheerfully. He slowly brought back the colors to my life. I laughed once again.
Within one week, he told his parents and I developed a very good relation with his family. I cleared my exam (with a South India rank.) I was happier. We started our training in two different offices in the same town. I was all independent. I had friends.
I started reading again and browsed the net. I read about women rights, husband-wife partnership in a married life and I could sense myself GROWING, graduating from an 18 year old college girl to a woman. My perceptions and outlook changed.
I always talked to him about my observations. As I mentioned earlier, I was ‘traditional’ (or say conventional thoughts of male dominancy) and so was he. Over the months my thoughts grew. But he grew slower. His growth stuck somewhere in the middle.
ii. Whenever I go out with my friends, he keeps calling every 10-20 minutes and ask where am I, where am I. This irritates me. I know the world is so mean and you can be kidnapped/raped or even killed by anybody anywhere. But, I feel so frustrated then. I feel like he is too much behind me.
iii. He logs in to my FB and Gmail often. Checks all the messages on my chat, reads the unread notifications, accepts/rejects the pending friend requests.
I don’t like this. Not because, I have something to hide from him. Just because, its mine. I know his password as well. But I never poke my nose to his. When I express my dislike, he talks as if I am hiding something from him.
iv. I being the only girl in the office of 10 staff.
He met my colleagues during our regional conference … when he rings me and if I couldn’t pick, I may be busy with something and …he immediately calls to their number.
I ask him why did he call them, he give some (lame according to me) excuses like, I was afraid if u lost your phone or like I wanted to hear your voice then and there or I was afraid if you are angry with me and so on. I get irritated and we end up fighting.
v. Whenever he reads or watches about violence against women, he rings me up and say, *see, this is what I said* or like *this is why I asked you not to go out at night*. He talks as if I go out every night. I reach hostel late only once in 6 months or so, you know.
The idea of sharing the news is fine for me. But that is not the case. He reports it as if he got some evidence against me.
vi. My hostel mates MAY sometimes call me and ask to come to the station to pick them up, just because they can’t manage the whole luggage alone. I text him, Going to the station to pick X. He immediately calls me back and ask *y u, why only you. Why are they not calling others?*
vii. To which I have no answer, other than because she is my friend. (He doesn’t have many friends and the one whom he has are all from the school/away and they are miles away. So they will never call him up for such things.) I get irritated and we end up fighting.)
viii. One of my roomies had a cut in her hand and she needed a TT injection. It was 8 o clock in the night. I immediately changed my dress and took her to the hospital, leaving him an sms that I am going to hospital…
I was waiting in front of the casualty when I received his call, asking *how dare you go out after 6 o clock*. He asked me to reach hostel in 10 minutes. I was speechless. Just speechless. I went to hostel after the injection with my friend, and he was all irritated by then. And we ended up fighting.
He never ever mentions anything about my past relation.
Nowadays, due to all these problems, I am afraid if this is also turning to be like my past relation. I can’t withstand one more tragedy in my life. I have cried enough and more in my life. I don’t want to do that again in my life, because of a bad choice from my part.
I am thinking of a married life with him in the coming 2-3 years. Won’t I be happy in this? How can I convince him? Whenever I try to speak to him, he says *you are all independent now and you are finding me as a wrong partner. *
Or, *I have changed so much for you and you have lost your love for me now *
(He is not very good looking and is overweight. Good looking in my eyes only. His physique is ok for me.)
Or, *I am not good looking and you are fair na. So you will be ashamed to present me before your friends and relatives. Is that?*
Please help me. I can’t talk about this to anybody else now.