An email: I was a person who thought Indian husbands will (and can) dominate their wives and there is nothing unnatural in that.

And here’s the email, mentioned in the last post, from an Indian girl in her twenties. Seeing how many such emails are received, clearly this is not an uncommon scenario.

Part 1.

I am an average Indian girl in her early twenties, from an educated, middle class love knit family. Both my parents are working and have brought up me and my sister in a disciplined atmosphere, by giving us immense love and freedom /space. I was always an above average student.

I joined my college and happened to be in relation with a guy (with an intention to marry him). It turned out to be mess within a year. I was not allowed by him to talk to any boys in the college. I was banned from calling up my parents, accessing internet and so on… stupid and unbearable restrictions popped up day by day. And whenever I tried to complain, he always told me these are the issues that happen in every family and nobody will brag about that. I WAS A PERSON WHO THOUGHT INDIAN HUSBANDS WILL (AND CAN) DOMINATE THEIR WIVES AND THERE IS NOTHING UNNATURAL IN THAT.

The stupid me went on with the relation in a hope that things will turn around … I lost all my confidence… My marks fell drastically. …On the day of my Model exams, he rang me up and said he is going to kill me if I  attend the exam. I had no other go. I made up my mind to permanently stop this relation and ran away from the hostel without anybody’s knowledge.  With the help of my parents (they never blamed or showed a bad face at me) I was somewhat normal. I returned, gave exams and did just okay.

Part 2.

I then went out of the town to pursue my higher studies. I always had the fear of *What if he sees me?* Initially, I had problems to interact with the boys. I was afraid to travel alone in buses and trains. I felt very insecure.

One day, I opened up myself to a boy whom I felt close. He heard the whole story and gave me courage to face the world. We talked over the phone and texted every day after class. I felt secure in his company.

He helped me to get back with my studies. We became best friends. After some days he proposed me. He told he want me to be with him for the rest of his life. I felt inferior. I told him, *you know what all happened in my life. You deserve a better girl*.  He kept quiet. He waited for me to be normal and repeated his request. I  laughed it off showing him so many lame excuses. But finally, I had to commit. I committed cheerfully. He slowly brought back the colors to my life. I laughed once again.

Within one week, he told his parents and I developed a very good relation with his family. I cleared my exam (with a South India rank.) I was happier. We started our training in two different offices in the same town. I was all independent. I had friends.

Part 3.

I started reading again and browsed the net. I read about women rights, husband-wife partnership in a married life and I could sense myself GROWING, graduating from an 18 year old college girl to a woman. My perceptions and outlook changed.

I always talked to him about my observations. As I mentioned earlier, I was ‘traditional’ (or say conventional thoughts of male dominancy) and so was he. Over the months my thoughts grew. But he grew slower. His growth stuck somewhere in the middle.

He has changed a lot:
i. I wanted to work after marriage. But he didn’t like women working. But I could convince him. He eventually agreed as boys and girls study with the same effort.
ii. Again, he didn’t like the whole idea of girls eating out alone or having boys as Close friends or the idea of kids sent to day care etc etc. He has improved so much.
Now to my worries:
i. He always told me not to roam around after 6.
(Agree. Even my parents never allowed that.) But if at all, I go out at 3 in the evening and got caught up in something and couldn’t be back by sharp by 6 (like traffic jam or delay in getting the food delivered in the restaurant or some such valid reason), he turns out to be a devil.
And I try convincing, convincing and convincing, he keeps shouting shouting and shouting. We end up fighting.
If I explain, my parents understand and then will say *try to hurry up*.

ii. Whenever I go out with my friends, he keeps calling every 10-20 minutes and ask where am I, where am I. This irritates me. I know the world is so mean and you can be kidnapped/raped or even killed by anybody anywhere. But, I feel so frustrated then. I feel like he is too much behind me.

iii. He logs in to my FB and Gmail often. Checks all the messages on my chat, reads the unread notifications, accepts/rejects the pending friend requests.

I don’t like this. Not because, I have something to hide from him. Just because, its mine. I know his password as well. But I never poke my nose to his. When I express my dislike, he talks as if I am hiding something from him.

iv. I being the only girl in the office of 10 staff.

He met my colleagues during our regional conference … when he rings me and if I couldn’t pick,  I may be busy with something and …he immediately calls to their number.

I ask him why did he call them, he give some (lame according to me) excuses like, I was afraid if u lost your phone or like I wanted to hear your voice then and there or I was afraid if you are angry with me and so on. I get irritated and we end up fighting.

v. Whenever he reads or watches about violence against women, he rings me up and say, *see, this is what I said* or like *this is why I asked you not to go out at night*. He talks as if I go out every night. I reach hostel late only once in 6 months or so, you know.

The idea of sharing the news is fine for me. But that is not the case. He reports it as if he got some evidence against me.

vi. My hostel mates MAY sometimes call me and ask to come to the station to pick them up, just because they can’t manage the whole luggage alone. I text him, Going to the station to pick X. He immediately calls me back and ask *y u, why only you. Why are they not calling others?*

vii. To which I have no answer, other than because she is my friend. (He doesn’t have many friends and the one whom he has are all from the school/away and they are miles away. So they will never call him up for such things.) I get irritated and we end up fighting.)

viii. One of my roomies had a cut in her hand and she needed a TT injection. It was 8 o clock in the night. I immediately changed my dress and took her to the hospital, leaving him an sms that I am going to hospital…

I was waiting in front of the casualty when I received his call, asking *how dare you go out after 6 o clock*. He asked me to reach hostel in 10 minutes. I was speechless. Just speechless. I went to hostel after the injection with my friend, and he was all irritated by then. And we ended up fighting.

ix. I don’t like to call him sweet names and talk in the romance tone in front of my friends. I can do so only in private. When we text/call at night, I do all these. But he wants this more often.
On the positive side,
He is 101% sincere in this relation. I am the first girl in his life. Seriously.
He is happier than me in my success.
He never said anything negative about me to anybody ever.
He considers me as his wife and not as his girl friend.
He never ever mentions anything about my past relation.
One day I was so disturbed that I said BREAKUP is the only solution between us. He was all in tears and told me, “*once you cried infront of me telling about your problems. I felt you deserved to be loved and trusted. I wanted to make you happy. So I thought of spending the rest of my life with you. And now you, in 2 years time, you are thinking of a break up.”*This touched me a lot.
Part 4

Nowadays, due to all these problems, I am afraid if this is also turning to be like my past relation. I can’t withstand one more tragedy in my life. I have cried enough and more in my life. I don’t want to do that again in my life, because of a bad choice from my part.

I am thinking of a married life with him in the coming 2-3 years. Won’t I be happy in this? How can I convince him? Whenever I try to speak to him, he says *you are all independent now and you are finding me as a wrong partner. *

Or, *I have changed so much for you and you have lost your love for me now *

(He is not very good looking and is overweight. Good looking in my eyes only. His physique is ok for me.)

Or, *I am not good looking and you are fair na. So you will be ashamed to present me before your friends and relatives. Is that?*

Please help me. I can’t talk about this to anybody else now.

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An email: What worries me is, will we be able to find guys who have a similar thinking process?

97 thoughts on “An email: I was a person who thought Indian husbands will (and can) dominate their wives and there is nothing unnatural in that.

  1. ‘He considers me as his wife’ – no girl, he considers you as a 3-year-old, a nincompoop, an object, a punching bag. You are his achievement. All the control he cannot weild in his outside world – he weilds it on you. He is more insecure than an open bank locker – he has a very low opinion about himself, which he seeks to redeem by making you obey him.

    I am sorry I was frothing at my mouth while reading this. You are earning, intelligent and independent. You deserve to be treated with trust and respect which is missing in this relationship. He has no right to ask to you to come back at a certain time, wear such-and-such clothes, comment about your friends etc. You don’t owe anybody any explanations.

    In this relationship, you have been suffocated to the maximum extent. There is no love here, only a power play of the basest kind. In all that you have written, it is clear that you don’t feel any ‘love’ for this guy, just a compulsion for gratitude because he helped you emotionally. He was a good friend, excellent. You have reciprocated the friendship in equal measure. Leave it at that.

    If you choose to marry him, the beatings will start, without a doubt. You will be reduced to a ghost, your individuality and whole life will be wiped out. You will become a machine that is programmed to ‘obey’ his commands. And have no doubts – he will bring up your past and throw it on your face and emotionally blackmail you. He sees you as someone who has ‘sinned’, and sees himself on a moral highground – someone who has ‘redeemed’ you; hence his feeling of ‘ownership’ on you. Sorry, but b*lls to him.

    Breaking up will be messy. He might threaten to harm himself etc – usually these morons have only that weapon to browbeat everyone. I think you should see if you can put some distance between the two of you; perhaps seek employment elsewhere.

    You owe yourself dignity. Run girl, run.

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    • Bang on target Sumana!! Couldn’t have said it better!!
      The guy is a loser. He is controlling beyond acceptable limits.
      What is an independent, working woman like the letter writer doing with him?!!
      She should get away from him asap!!

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      • Yes! In fact he orders her to marry him because she is fit for ‘labour and not for love’. And that makes me think there are millions of John RIvers in India…isn’t it? They all think they are doing a favour by marrying a girl -for her betterment apparently.

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    • You have said all that i wanted to say Sumana! Dear EW, i have been in the same kind of relationship that you mentioned. For 3 years i suffered until one day he cheated on me and dumped me. Today, i am glad it happened because i did not have the courage to break it. He humiliated me, made me break away from all my male friends, suspected me if ever he found me talking to any guy, made me come back home early, called me every few minutes when i was with friends stating “concern”- but let me tell you this much- ALL of it stems from his insecurity and low self esteem. Run girl when you can. And be prepared – he is going to call you and beg you, do emotional blackmail, cry and do everything he can. Run faster and save yourself when you can!!

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  2. This is an obsessive relationship. He is very insecure. Perhaps you both need counselling, so that this obsessiveness can be toned down. Insecurity and obsessively possessive behavior for me is a deal breaker. It does not allow freedom and growth

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  3. I don’t think you (or most people) would be happy if the relationship continues in this possessive and restrictive way. I also think you feel guilty because he was there for you when you were low. I think you can treasure the good times you shared in your past and take them into account while making your decision but his present behaviour and whether you can tolerate it is is more important. You could try asking him to change and see if that works. If not, I would part ways despite his guilt trips. I wouldn’t get married until this is sorted out; it will only get worse after marriage.

    I don’t think you can expect to find the right person for you without any tears. Tears are part of life. It would be nice (maybe) to find one’s perfect partner at the first go but that usually doesn’t happen. I don’t see why you should be ashamed of your past or why he has to never bring it up as if it’s some deep dark secret (I get that it was a traumatic time for you but it’s not something YOU need to be ashamed of).

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      • 100% agree. Better not to find a ‘right’ person than ending up with a moron. Which this chap clearly is.
        Do yourself a favour – run. Cut it cold turkey, that is the only way. Remain strong, there might be times you will feel you made a mistake. In the long run this would be best for you. And dont think of ‘sacrificing’ yourself for his ‘love’, it is not sustainable.

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    • I agree. Though I don’t think asking anyone to change makes sense- because no one changes for anyone else.Also- don’t ever be with someone out of their or your ‘need’. It should be because both of you want to, out of choice.

      Also- you will be unhappy for a few months, maybe even a year. But that is nothing compared to your whole life ahead of you. A few years down the line, you will look back at this phase and feel relieved.

      You need to be strong- you have everything going for you- don’t stay on in this. Sooner you end it, the better.

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      • Actually, I think it is possible to change for someone else. I have changed for someone else and others have changed for me. Maybe it is rare, and I saw the sense in changing, but I don’t discount it as a possibility.

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        • Changing per se is not bad, all couples change for each other, but what he is asking of her is something that changes her completely as a person, not to mention the level of control he wants on her life. RUN away as fast as possible girl! Not all men are like this, and you will find the right guy, sure there will be some heartache but this heartache is much milder to the lifelong prison sentence you are looking forward to with this guy.

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        • “I saw the sense in changing”- this is what I agree with, because it means we change for ourselves, not FOR someone else. Someone else may point out traits in our behaviour which are unpleasant/ undesirable. And when we see the sense in what they say for ourselves, we make an effort to change.
          But asking someone to change for us- or the other way round, I do not agree with. As the changes, unless affected for oneself, are likely to be superficial and only sustainable for some time.

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        • Hmmm I think one may change for the other person, and not oneself. One may even not see the sense in changing but change for the other person.

          Like me – I am indecisive and it used to really annoy my husband. I made an attempt to and did change because it annoyed him, not so much because I see my indecisiveness (which relates mostly to minor things) as a big problem in life.

          My husband – hates to have serious conversations for more than 5 minutes. This used to really annoy me. He changed because it upset me not because he is convinced of the value of long-drawn out conversations.

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      • Just wanted to clarify that:
        1. My little spiel on change was in response to Mokapot’s “Though I don’t think asking anyone to change makes sense- because no one changes for anyone else” I hear this a lot and don’t believe it to be true.
        2. I meant the GUY could consider changing and the letter writer might then consider staying with him, if she has the patience to wait around till he changed and believed that the change would stick. But totally understandable if she doesn’t want to either.

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  4. What a mess!
    This boy is no good.
    If he is like this now, before marriage, I can well imagine what he will be after marriage and a couple of kids.

    I would advise you to call it off.
    The aches and pains of a second broken relationship will be temporary.
    The pain you will suffer if you marry him will be permanent and much more severe.
    And yes, before I forget, change your passwords.

    I hope you extricate yourself from this mess.
    Regards
    GV

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    • That was my first response too! But I’ve always been the one to break relationships easily. Not everyone can do it that way. This girl still seems to love him, the way she defends his ‘positives.’ So I thought I would tailor my response to something that she would ‘get.’ But am glad to see that so many of the commentors here say it like it is🙂

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      • I’m just wondering if the love the LW feels for her BF is really love or memories of how she felt when he helped her get over her last BF? I get the feeling that her current BF didn’t really love her but created the initial situation because he needed someone to control and feed off of…

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        • I’ll have to disagree here – In his own convoluted way, he loves her – he thinks being ultra-possessive and controlling her is a way of showing it – have you read Fifty Shades of Grey? Similar obsessive tendencies (and of course control through BDSM) and when she asks him why he suffocates her in the name of loving her, he says “its the only way I know”. He needs help for sure, but don’t think his earlier actions of empathy were premeditated.

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  5. Recognise the pattern and break it. Yes, he helped you get your life back and gave you back your confidence.

    But here’s the way i see it – he helped you out of a difficult situation and now expects to own your life. Hell, for all purposes he DOES seem to own your life. A simple thing like getting back to your hostel. Its different when we’re children and our parents need to supervise us. But you’ve seen enough of the world to know what is safe and not safe and are perfectly capable of making these decisions on your own. This sense of ownership over you makes me deeply uncomfortable. Calling colleagues is deeply intrusive especially since you’re the only girl in their team – because while its not ideal, if men believe their woman team mate comes with heavy baggage they will distance themselves from you and you will lose out on your career.

    Initially, he must have seemed like a godsend – sweet, caring, sensitive and its perfectly natural you turned to him for support. The way things should have worked out, was that having given you the support you needed, he should have stepped back and let you stand on your own. He’s not. He wants to control you. He has preyed on an emotionally vulnerable girl and continues to manipulate you saying things like ‘you don’t need me anymore’, ‘you’re ashamed of me in front of your friends’.

    Break ups are very hard. But please don’t marry him. You should look for a ‘partner’, not an emotionally manipulative ‘caretaker’.

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    • “I felt inferior. I told him, *you know what all happened in my life. You deserve a better girl”

      A failed relationship is not a sign of moral bankruptcy. You are not inferior. You can go through as many relationships as you want and STILL be ‘worthy’

      Why the hell must victims feel like they’re the ones at fault.

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      • Exactly !!

        Just coz you had a relationship that did not work, does not mean that you do not deserve a person for who you are !
        Secondly, just because someone helped you to move on, or someone was there when you were frustrated because of your break-up, does not mean that he would be an ideal guy for you, does not mean that he loves you..

        In many cases, guys use this post break-up syndrome, girls fall for them.. but it is not love.. you don’t have to feel indebted to the other person when you are in love, sadly, girls often do so, in case of guys who help them to move on..

        Now, this guy treats you like an object, like a property.. he feels he has all the right to do whatever he wants to do with this object.. call it insecurity, call it possessiveness.. when both these things go beyond a limit in a relationship, they can make your life unbearable…

        Put an end to this fake relationship with this jerk.. and for God’s sake, never feel guilty for leaving him.. There is no reason why you should think of not leaving him! There is no reason why you should not choose your happiness! That’s it !

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  6. //Nowadays, due to all these problems, I am afraid if this is also turning to be like my past relation.//
    It is. Thankfully, you aren’t married yet. All of his behavior is controlling and over-possessive. If this is the case before marriage, imagine how much worse it will get when his parents get involved in the equation after you get married. Also, all the positives that you mentioned about him sound like biased statements on your part… you feel that way because he has been good to you when you needed to get over your past. To a third-party observer, they might not ring true when watching in consideration with his other behavior.
    I suggest you gradually attempt to establish a dialog with him about his controlling behavior. Putting restrictions on a person’s independence does not equate to love. Give yourself and this relationship a few months. If you see any improvement, hold on for a while and see whether it lasts. If possible, share some material about abusive relationships with him. It’s not only the outside world and ‘other people’ that are big bad wolves. Each of us has the potential to be a saint and an animal. Try to show him how his behavior is not favorable for a lasting and fulfilling relationship. If nothing seems to work in the next few months or another year’s time, I’d suggest you move on. I would.
    Good luck. Hope you find the courage to do what’s good for yourself. Hugs.

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  7. looks like the guy just showed his true colors after sometime in the relationship. Too often people pretend to be something they are not to get the partner.

    This is clearly emotional blackmail and abuse. I doubt you can be happy.

    You seem to have a lack of confidence independent of a man and have a pattern for getting close to controlling men.

    I am glad you have worked on it and feel you need to work on getting independent and building your confidence even more before any guy is involved, in short work on your issues regarding this.

    I am thinking of a married life with him in the coming 2-3 years. Won’t I be happy in this? How can I convince him?
    ==> The truth is people grow at different rates and sometimes they grow together and sometimes apart. This is time to admit it and move on. no guilt and shame in that. Guilt and shame are just some of the powerful tools used by the society to repress and control people for the benefit of the people who keep such systems in place.

    Deep in your heart you know you will not be happy but do not have the courage and are doubting yourself, which is why you are looking for confirmation from us for your decision. The only person you can control is you. look into yourself and you know what you have to do. Don’t do something because society will think bad of you/your parents expect you to. You will have to live with your life not anybody else.

    he has helped you great but move on. Be grateful but there is no life long obligation as we are led to believe. Imagine how complicated life if we were expected to keep an exact tally of every help we received in our life and had to repay exactly to set records straight. It just is not possible. YOu received help. great. you help him if you can or pass on the favor to someone else. It will just come around.

    but people cannot and should not use that as an emotional blackmail tool to make you stay.

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  8. To the email-writer,
    First of all, tightest of hugs to you.

    “once you cried infront of me telling about your problems. I felt you deserved to be loved and trusted. I wanted to make you happy. So I thought of spending the rest of my life with you. And now you, in 2 years time, you are thinking of a break up”

    This line, instead of making you uncomfortable, touched you – I dont think I understand. Doesn’t this sound like he is doing a favor to you (or did a favor to you by mending your broken parts)? More importantly, if you are unhappy enough to think of a breakup, does it mean you don’t deserve to be loved or trusted?

    If you had remained the old, ignorant you who believed in a male dominant world, I am sure you would have been happy with him. But you agree that you have changed and his saying that “you are all independent now and you are finding me as a wrong partner.” is right. You “deserve” someone who treats you equally and who respects your privacy, and not someone who keeps reminding how he loved and trusted you or emotionally blackmails you.

    He seems to be very conducive to talking and seems to be an understanding person, but I am a firm believer that adult men seldom change permanently. If you aren’t comfortable with the restrictions he has on you now, please don’t go through any more pain. One best way to know what you really want is to imagine a few months without him. If it makes you feel happy (and relieved and light-weight), then it is the right decision – for you, and more importantly, for him.

    I really really wish that you are happy in the “long run”, please don’t postpone leaving him thinking how a break up will affect him and you for a few months.

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  9. Dear Letter Writer

    Sometimes in life, you have to act tough and take a call…I am no one to tell you to go ahead with the relation or dont go ahead with the relation..but as a married person for 6 years, here is what I have to say

    1. Marriage is about two people living together, respecting each other, loving each other, being together with each other…but its also about giving each other space
    2. Trust – thats the basic requirement in any marriage..if you dont start a relation on trust, it will be very difficult to take it forward..if my husband is photographed with a girl with his arms around her, I will not jump to conclusions or if his friend sees me with a guy in a coffee shop, he will not jump to conclusions..we have so much trust in each other..which is very important!
    3. Marriage is not about emotional blackmail..telling someone that I heard you out and gave you support and hence you do the same to me is never the indication of a mature relation and trust me, marriage requires a LOT of maturity…
    4. Its easier NOT to be in a relation at all, than be in a relation which may smother and suffocate you
    5. Marriage is not the ultimate aim in life, its just a highlight thats all..life actually begins after marriage
    6. Being in a relation is very different from being in a marriage..while I had a proper arranged marriage, I think the time I spent before marriage with my husband whenever I met him, was very different..when you live with a guy day in and day out, things are different…little things irriate you and then they snowball into fights
    7. No marriage is without fights, but the bottomline is trust and love

    So before you take the relationship forward to marriage, do look through these points

    Of course, what I have written, has been written and analysed by loads of other people on IHM’s blog..I am just giving you some pointers from personal experience

    I just wish you loads of luck and pray for you to take the right path

    Hugs

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  10. First, your worries.

    i. You are old enough to decide when and where you want to go. Your parents may have restricted you in the past, but as you grow, you need to make these decisions yourself. Your boyfriend is not your parent.

    ii. Stop attending calls when you are with friends. Sooner or later he will get the message. You have a right to your space. He has an insecurity problem and YOU can do NOTHING about it. He has to deal with it himself.

    iii. Change the password and inform him you did so because he takes liberties with your accounts. If he says you have something to hide, that’s his own insecurity problem.

    iv. I have a policy never to attend personal calls when I am at work. If there is an emergency, my family and friends know to send me a message instead. You can also adopt this policy.

    v. You cannot live your life being worried about being raped or killed. Taking precautions is fine, but you need to throw this sort of thing out of your mind.

    vi vii & viii. Your friends, your decision. If they are calling you, and you want to help them, feel free to do so. If he does not like it, he can either make some friends himself, or he can shut the fuck up. This is a tactic to make you lose friends so that you will be emotionally dependent on him. Also, do not give him any hold over what time you go out or come in.

    ix. Well, this is his only genuine complaint. Some people prefer to be more lovey-dovey than others, but taken in conjunction with his general behaviour, this is just another gimmick to show off that you ‘belong’ to him.

    Unfortunately, the things you listed as positive also has a negative connotation.

    He is 101% sincere in this relation. I am the first girl in his life. Seriously. – That is no guarantee of sincerity. First love is overrated, and if he is sincere, then he would not be such a control freak. He is using you to bolster up his own insecurities.

    He is happier than me in my success. – Does this mean he has no ambitions or life of his own?

    He never said anything negative about me to anybody ever. – But he is saying enough negative things about you to your face. That is more than enough reason to leave him.

    He considers me as his wife and not as his girl friend. – DANGER! RUN! You are young and studying. Do you want this to be your married life?

    He never ever mentions anything about my past relation. – He hardly has reason to. Let us get this straight. He is not being nice in not blaming you for your past relaitonship. You don’t have to be grateful to him.

    And now you, in 2 years time, you are thinking of a break up. – Relationships change, and if it is not making you happy, leave him.

    Lady, this might come as news to you, but you are being abused. All that he says are tricks to keep you tied to him. Emotional blackmail of this sort are the stock in trade of abusers. Just cut it off, as harsh as it may sound, or you might end up being one of the casualties that we hear about. You have a right to a tension-free and peaceful life, where you can go out after 10 pm if you wish to do so, where you can access your own fb, where you can have as many friends or not as you desire, where you can work undisturbed. Lose this chap, he is bad news.

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  11. Hey email writer,
    I feel so much related to your story and let me tell you my story now that i overcame my situation🙂
    I got into a relation with a guy in my college time who was more or less like the guys you have mentioned. I too was in love with him and wanted to marry him anyhow but then there were many many silly things that we fought about. I would spend my nights just explaining him on a particular situation as to why i did this or that and he would be so rude to me😦..and in return he just told me that he is going through a rough patch in his life due to his supplies n all and assured me that things will improve. I wasn’t able to mix up with my own friends. He didn’t want me to go out with my friends as he didn’t like them so as a result i was all alone with my problems in this relation. This continued for almost like 3 years and then there came a point i just couldn’t take it more as i was sure on one thing that i cant spend rest of my life like this. But at the same time breaking up the relationship was hard considering he doesn’t even go for his exams if i didn’t talk to him for one day. But soon i realized that in the name ‘love’ he is actually making my life close to hell and that i wont be able to handle his anger all my life as trust me life is so beautiful and we should not waste it by fighting with a person who doesn’t want to understand who we actually are.
    And then there came a point when i got hold of a chat with his female colleague in which he had some double meaning exchange of messages and when i asked him for explanations he didn’t bother to talk to me and just told me it wasn’t him. So at that time i decided this is it and turned off my mobile, changed my number, stopped talking to all college friends in fear that he will get my new number from them and again start that chapter of explanations. I just wanted a break and thought may be we could get back together but i so needed this break in life. And in this break i happened to meet a guy to whom i am married now :)) who seriously brought back that naughty child in me which i had lost somewhere. So now i am a confident, free, do whatever i feel like doing girl. I am just the way i was.
    A lot to share and yes there was a time when i would feel guilty of ruining someone’s life who was so close to me once but now i am fine with it. I knew that this was for good for both of us and if you are not happy in a relationship things cant work out for long.
    My advice for you would be that take a break from this relationship as trust me possessiveness kills the other person. Don’t mix possessiveness with love. As once you get married situations change a lot and in these situations you need your partner to be understanding which i am sure the current partner of yours is not. And yes Don’t blame yourself for anything. Don’t ever ever loose your friends i did this mistake but i have now got them back but please don’t loose contact with them. It is very important to have friends in your life. If you can change your city then do it, take a break, do what YOU feel like doing and not what your BF wants you to do. And more than anything an understanding partner/lover is what you should be looking for your life to be smoother which i think your current Boyfriend cant be. If you think it is hard for you breaking up this relationship then do it gradually but do it for your own good and don’t get afraid of him. He wont do anything to you or to himself. Life goes on and it should go on.
    So move on and enjoy this beautiful life🙂

    Like

  12. Okay, you’ve got yourself into quite a situation here. Let’s see if we can help you out.

    First off, I don’t think you’re as naive as some people I’ve known in my life. I think you already know that things are not quite right here. You were upset by his behavior, so obviously, there is a feeling in your mind that this is not working out. Your gut is telling you that, and it’s absolutely right.

    As you’ve already guessed, this behavior is NOT normal. This extreme possessiveness, this extreme jealousy, these ultra-rigid rules – none of this is normal. It points to a real personality problem with your partner, a problem that is certainly not your job to fix, a problem that is not even in your power to fix.

    Don’t lie to yourself, email writer. Is this the husband you really want? Do you think you can have a happy married life with this man? Do you even want to close all your options and take a decision on something as major as marriage at this point of time? Don’t you feel it would be better to wait a bit before you get coerced into committing to someone like that?

    You know the answer. It’s time to say goodbye to your partner, it’s time to move on. The relationship was good while it lasted, now it’s time for it to end.
    My advice is to go up to him and tell him that it’s over. Be calm and polite, but firm at the same time. The aim is not to get into an argument with him, nor is it to express your annoyance with him. The aim is to nip a bad relationship in the bud. The aim is to end an abusive relationship while you still can.
    Gather your courage and do it. DO NOT be swayed either by threats or tears.

    If he threatens to harm himself, notify people who are close to him, as well as the hostel authorities (if he lives in a hostel) – you don’t have to tell them the entire story, just tell them that because of his behavior, you think he might try to harm himself.
    If he threatens to harm you, get away from there. Go to your parents, go to the police, ensure your own safety.
    If he tries anything else, pay absolutely no attention.

    This is your chance to break out of your current negative groove. It’s a bit like a vaccine. There will be a bit of pain right now, no doubt, but the benefits will be immense. This relationship is just not worth saving.

    What you are going to do is up to you, of course. But as an intelligent, aware person, I’m hopeful that you’ll take a decision which is well thought out and unemotional. Go with your gut, trust your judgement.

    All the best to you.

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  13. Dear girl, I’m glad that you are reading about relationships and getting a know-how of how things work in the world and if they are right or not. You know emotional abuse? You read about it somewhere? You must have read about it here at IHM’s. That is exactly what you are going through.
    He has helped you get over your past relationship as a friend, not as a boyfriend right? And he’s expecting you to say yes to whatever he says in return? That is plain selfish and control freak-ish.
    “once you cried infront of me telling about your problems. I felt you deserved to be loved and trusted. I wanted to make you happy. So I thought of spending the rest of my life with you. And now you, in 2 years time, you are thinking of a break up.” That right there is he bringing up your past relationship to make you weak.
    Yes, it is the nature of caring people to ask where you are and to come back home soon. But every 20 minutes is obsessive. And trust me 6 pm is the time most women leave office, so it is normal if you reach home by 9 or 10.
    Im in a love marriage and we don’t call each other the whole day unless it is necessary to pass on some information. It is intrusive to call @ work. He must understand that. And banish him from calling your friends at work. They are your friends and not daily messengers. Emergencies are fine.
    In situations like ‘you had to take your friend to hospital’, ask him what if the same had happened to you and your friends didn’t take you to hospital during emergency? Tell him that you like him and respect him for the support he provided during your tough time, but you are not paying him back with your life. Explain to him in plain terms that you are hurt, sad and as much pain as when you were in your past relationship. Yes, its time YOU brought that up. Tell him you are causing as much pain as the old fellow. Tell him that because of him you are crying day and night. Give a shot of his own medicine back to him and see how that works. If nothing works, you know what to do. BREAK UP! It’s not as bad a thing as you believe it to be. Trust me.
    Above all, please be confident about yourself and your own life. Be in control of yourself. You are educated and earning and can support yourself financially. You must learn to support yourself emotionally. And I’m sure since you’ve grown so much in 2 yrs you will soon be capable of doing that.
    You can be sure to turn to IHMs blog (aka all of us) for support. More courage to you.

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  14. Someone I know was engaged to a man, who even controlled whether or not she can go to her relatives to meet them, he demanded her to not call him by name and say ‘aap’ and not ‘tum’, although he himself used ‘tu’ for her. There were some similar issues like you have, the girl announced to her family she won’t marry him and she didn’t. This was 2 years ago, now she’s happily married to a man who really loves and respects her and that scumbag is still single.

    The man you’re in a relationship with is way too much insecure. He’s also a control freak, may be less than the ex but nevertheless he’s still a control freak. And he is right on the track of becoming exactly like your ex.
    It might be painful for a while, but break up is all you should do now. Red flags are popping up everywhere girl!

    Although you might like to give him a taste of his own medicine, try controlling him for a while and when he complains, you tell him that’s what he does to you all the time. He MIGHT realise his mistake(though the chances are very very very few).

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  15. Hello Dear,
    Do not let him emotionally fool you. This guy is insecure, its better you move away from him. Just because he was good to you when you were in dumps does not mean you have to feel guilty and pretend to be in love with him. Also love does not mean you start sharing everything with him, get hold of yourself and your life. Get your face book and email passwords changed. Respecting each others boundary is very imp in relationships. There is more to life than marriage and boyfriends. Keep your focus on your happiness first, unless you are happy you can not have a happy relationship or life for the matter.
    Be gentle with yourself, forgive and move on. We all make mistakes, do not let this become a burden for your entire life. Next time don’t be in a hurry to be in a relationship. You don’t need to share anything from your past unless you wish to. Present is all that matters. Good luck.

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  16. i know this is probably hard for you to hear, but my dear girl, this guy is only one level away from being like your ex.

    There is no reason for you to feel guilty about breaking up with him. When you mentioned you wanted to break up, he said he thought you deserved happiness when you were sad. But you’re sad now.. for the SAME reasons as when you were with the other guy. Sure, the guy is committed, but he’s committed to owning you.
    He has no right to check your gmail or FB or accept or reject friend requests on your behalf. It’s not because you have anything to hide, but it’s because IT IS YOURS! He will not wear your clothes will he? Then why will he log into something that is your page, reflects your personality?

    I’d say run for the hills! Get rid of him! You deserve better.

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  17. Just get out of the place and have a nice holiday. Keep him guessing. You don’t owe him any explanation. Soon he will realize the relationship is over and will start looking out for another girl to control and abuse.

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  18. I think the demonization of the guy being done overhere is completely disrespectful towards the society which has handed the guy the responsibility of protecting his wife. Most of the people here are advising the woman to walk out of the relationship but has anyone ever dreamt of the consequences? What is the probabality of this woman getting a good life partner considering the fact that she has already been in two relationships previously? Two is a very large number mind you (atleast in these sort of issues) and also this is India and not a morally debt ridden western nation. These sort of things must be handled with care, sudden bursts of anger wont help. I certainly appreciate people seeking advice for their problems and i advise that the woman tries to improve the bloke somehow before giving up (at your own peril, i am afraid). I guarantee you that things will improve once you try and alert elders, parents and other knowledged people about this problem because they will be able to negotiate with your partner in a mature way. Walking out in a exaggerated rage is one of the stupidest things that anyone can advise and for anyone to follow. I am glad walk outs dont occur too often in India lol.

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  19. Why do indian women sell their dignity for their boy friends or husbands.? Aren’t we humans in first place, or has our biological selection made us automatically vulnerable to inhuman madness in the name of traditions customs and old age beliefs.! Do you think you will be able to breathe properly with this guy.?

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  20. from the frying pan to the fire – that’s how I see it ! i am sorry to put it so bluntly but surely you wouldn’t have missed the point that your boy-friend is trying to own you. True he gave you an emotional anchor when you needed the most but that does not mean he can behave insanely. how can you let him call your friends when you don’t pick your phone up ? And going through your mails – humiliating. You gotta put an end to it gal . Your individuality and sense of identity has been thrown to winds. I can only imagine how he will behave when he actually marries you. Of course you would want to talk things out – but please don’t be fooled by crocodile tears and false promises. Don’t choose to become his object of abuse. Let him vent out his insecurities and inferiority complex elsewhere. Walk out firmly and while you still can without any major emotional damages.

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  21. email writer — I read thru it all and those negatives are really bad, big hug to you. then i went further and read the Pros of your relationship you have listed and i HAD to write…
    here’s my 2 cents worth.

    On the positive side,
    He is 101% sincere in this relation. I am the first girl in his life.
    — that my dear is not a positive, negative or anything.. being the first is so great why??? so he can practise on you?

    He is happier than me in my success.
    — I’m sure so are a handful of other well wishers and best friends, will you marry them all ?? maybe your need to value yourself higher….

    He never said anything negative about me to anybody ever.
    — Did you go around abusing him to all & sundry? no ? this is not a pro, this is a pre-qualification of a team, to like the person you are with…

    He considers me as his wife and not as his girl friend.
    — This is good how? are wives and GF’s different in treatment. oh you mean he takes you for granted?
    He should consider you as a woman who is of sound mind capable of making independent choices, and love you for it.

    He never ever mentions anything about my past relation.
    — Your past right? not his.. throwing up the past in a normal relationship will usually get the guy dumped.

    One day I was so disturbed that I said BREAKUP is the only solution between us. He was all in tears and told me, “*once you cried infront of me telling about your problems. I felt you deserved to be loved and trusted. I wanted to make you happy. So I thought of spending the rest of my life with you. And now you, in 2 years time, you are thinking of a break up.”*This touched me a lot.
    — He felt you needed loving and decided to sacrifice his life??oh i get it ,a PITY marriage, is that what you are after.
    2 people should get married IMO because , they love each other, want to be with each other, feel they can take on the world together ( irrespective of it they can or not), are happy with each other, feel passion for each other, feel free with each other and respected by the partner….
    Anything else is just a marriage of convenience..

    he’s not treating you like he loves you , go back and read your email and show me one place where you have mentioned unconditional love, respect and trust. He sounds like he’s the guardian of a dim-witted minor child. and that’s putting it mildly.

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    • Hey, Radha! Glad you spelled out the positives and described how they are false positives. I too found a problem with them, but couldn’t elaborate like you did.

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  22. Dear EW, are you seriously considering marrying him?! This sounds like a super strict father and an incapable daughter kind of relationship to me. He is definitely insecure. This sounds more like an abusive relationship to me! Which guy or for that matter, which person would object to helping a friend who needs medical attention?!
    It is absolutely unacceptable for him to check your e-mails and chat history. It’s your personal details and he doesn’t have any right to go through them.
    Your first relationship might have left you traumatized and that is what the second will do to you. If you don’t want to go through all that again, walk out. He has no right to restrain you or force you to stay. You are an individual by yourself and have complete rights to decide who you want to be with and how you want to live your life!
    How embarrassing would it be if he calls up your colleagues to find out about you or talk to you! It is like he is trying to keep a check on you. Why should the guy call you every ten minutes when you visit your friends?! Aren’t you old enough to handle yourself and to remain safe???
    I understand that people get raped/kidnapped and such. It is good to be aware of what’s happening, spread awareness and to keep yourself safe. In fact, that’s all they should be for. Not as a weapon against your freedom.
    Respect yourself as an individual, as a single entity who is entitled to everything in this world. See yourself as a person with all rights and freedom and who deserves all that life has to offer. You deserve the best of everything, don’t settle for anything less than that. It’s only the second chance you’ve taken in love. Go ahead and fall in love again, but with the RIGHT guy this time!
    Walk out of this relationship while you can, don’t complicate it worse than it is.
    Good luck.

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  23. I cant tell you anything more than what is already been said here – I second the ones who say.. RUN! He maynot be a bad person per se, but hes not good for you, if he gives you that feeling of all is not right. That not feeling good is your gut telling you that its not right for you. You went to him on a rebound when you left the first relationship. You were vulnerable at that point in time to notice anything about this guy. You fell for the classic, “He Saved me/helped me in my time of need and so I am Indebted to him for life” kind of Movie Love. Yes, he may have helped you…or who knows you could have just vented the same things on a piece of paper and after a while you could have felt better.

    A long time ago an elder said to me – Relationship is like holding sand in your palm, the tighter you hold, the faster it slips. I know it is true. You have to hold the other person with an open palm. You cannot strangle them just so you can have a claim on them. You have to let them grow, be their own person, and love shows in how much you can hold the person in your heart without needing to restrain them living out their lives.

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  24. I have nothing new to add to what’s already been said, except that we all let people guilt us for taking their help and walking away. Friends, relatives, parents — anyone who has seen us through a rough time and helped us out. And a lot of times we stay on in relationships that are neither pleasant nor fulfilling because of “what they did for us back then.”

    We need to remember that they entered into the relationship willingly, on their own, and that’s because THEY were getting something out of it too. In this case, the guy needed to “save” a woman to feel better about himself. He’s SO terribly insecure, it only makes sense. I recently read an account of some woman’s work with a development agency in Africa, and the very first thing she was asked by her boss on her first day of work was – Messy breakup or death of a parent?

    The fact that these people “call” those incidents when they ask us to say is evidence enough that they’re getting something out of the relationship. If they were the ones to always give, and you were the one to always receive, THEY would have walked away from it before it occurred to you.

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  25. These type of guys are more common than I thought.
    My cousin was engaged to one such guy ( the arranged marriage way) where the guy was loving and caring in a filmi way and gifted her expensive gifts etc. But POSSESSIVE like the guy in this post – He even hacked her email account !!! Finally my cousin broke off the engagement – I really commend her for doing this, because many in her place would have thought things have go so far (marriage dates fixed, extended family and friends know etc) and would have gone ahead.
    After the marriage was called off, he sent emails from her hacked account to all her contacts ( She had a boyfriend in college, he sent a mail as if she is writing to that boyfriend and then forwarded to all contacts). The interesting thing is within a couple of months he got married !!!

    To the EW – Nothing more what the others haven’t said already.
    Don’t Marry Him – Don’t even try to change him – Seems like he is beyond change.
    Just leave him and move on !!!

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  26. In a nutshell your fiance is conservative/traditional, insecure, and clingy! Yes, clingy he is! I mean most of them understand when women are clingy(because apparently thats how they are!), but when men act like that it could easily be confused to possessiveness.. I mean, I am not saying that he is not possessive, but just saying that it could also be this…

    I come from a traditional family too and married into one, and I see many many men/women who have no idea whatsoever about women living alone and have this very filmy notion that women living alone are prone to getting attacked by some goon..

    So IMO as long as you are explaining things there will always be someone or other expecting/demanding explanations! If not this guy, then someone else.. so the idea is to stop explaining and telling things as they are.. I mean instead of thinking that he is really concerned about you and trying to explain things and then getting frustrated that he is not getting your POV, just tell him directly that you find it suffocating and overbearing.. or ‘I can handle myself!’ or ‘don’t try to control me!’ or ‘you are controlling me in the name of love’.. or ‘you are confused between being concerned and taking control’

    Also, don’t marry when you are in doubt..

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  27. Hell there !

    I am not going to say anything from what the others have said here.

    Being in a relationship does which does not work isn’t a taboo. I know of a friend who was in many many relationships, but she is now with a person who has worked out ! He makes you feel like you are indebted to him because he “accepted” you after a failed relationship. That shouldn’t be the case at all, and the past should be the past.

    Please change your password and start taking control of your life, my ex-boyfriend and I had exchanged passwords and he would come with gems like- you mailed your mom a 40 line email , but you wrote only 20 lines to me ! I don’t give my password to anyone else now incl the husband and trust me we are much better off. Space, being secure will go a long way in life.

    Please do not feel guilty of failed relationships, they teach you a lot about what and why certain things work out or don’t and about yourself. You said it best yourself, both of you have grown at different rates. I am sure you will find someone who will match your wavelength and be secure enough !

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  28. A while ago Mrs. Obama was asked about dating advice she would give to her daughters. Her response was “Choose people who will lift you up. Find people who will make you better.” She has said it all isn’t she so simply and so succinctly in these two sentences.

    Your BF is not lifting you up, but dragging you down and forget everything else how can he help you become a better person when he makes you think twice before helping a friend in a medical emergency. In short he is not adding any value to your life.

    While I don’t want to repeat what the other’s have said all over again, but I do want to tell you that these days, it is very important to protect one’s online identity and reputation and there is no excuse for not being a thorough professional at work.

    Your FB and gmail account are yours alone. FB’s terms and conditions actually prohibit anyone but the profile’s owner from accessing it. What your BF is doing is impersonating you which is wrong and illegal. From what you have written I can only assume that this guy is seriously lacking in the maturity department. What makes you think that he will not use your FB and gmail account to damage your reputation both personally and professionally when you decide to break up with him.
    Remember what goes online stays online forever or for at least a very long time. I once read a letter by an ex GF who was sorry that she had once hacked into her BF’s account and sent an email to a prospective employer which cost the BF a better paying job.

    Please change your passwords and do not share the new password with him. Tell him that he needs to start trusting you and respecting your privacy. Possessiveness is a two year old not wanting to share his favorite toy car. Your BF is not a two year old. This is a grown man and an obsessive stalker IMO.

    You may have just entered the workforce and your job is probably your first. This is the time for you to build a solid professional reputation. I’m sure your coworkers feel irritated every time your BF calls to find out if you lost your phone or to find out if you’re okay. This projects a very poor and unprofessional image for you. Remember these are the people who will be approached by future employers and you need them to give you if not stellar, at least good reviews. Please talk to your coworkers and ask them to stop picking up your BF’s calls.

    Also if an when you decide to break up with him do it in a public place and ideally go with a friend, so that in there is some drama involved you will have support and help if needed.

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  29. once someone told me that sometimes when you ask someone else’s opinion, u already know the answer in your heart. you just want someone to confirm that answer. Follow your heart!! if you are having doubts that u might not be happy with this guy, leave him. you know this guy more than we do. we are judging him from what you told about him but u know him more close and personal. close ur eyes and imagine urself with this guy after 20 years. what do u see? do u see urself happy or sad? Also, you dont have to make up ur mind yet. talk to this guy and tell him that u r having these doubts. maybe he might get angry with u but u have to tel him. then give him some more time. who knows, if he really loves u he will start giving u more space. dont get married until u r sure u will be happy with him and dont say any lies to him. since u r having doubts about him don’t say stuff like “i will never leave u”. just tell him u want to be truthful to him and right now u dont like his behavior. at the end… u have to follow ur heart.

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  30. The email writer appears to have low self-esteem, thinking that she is not worthy of the current guy. I also wonder if he was just a rebound relationship at first, and then turned into something else. Call me cynical, but it makes me wonder about why else would a pretty girl fall for an overweight and average-looking guy after a traumatic breakup?

    High self-esteem comes from DOING, not just by thinking. So the only way to raise your self-esteem, email writer, is to dump this guy by the wayside, and watch as you soon feel much better about yourself. We only get one life, why waste it on undeserving people? Good luck to you!!

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    • I disagree with this:
      ‘why else would a pretty girl fall for an overweight and average-looking guy”
      The same argument can be, and is used, so often in reverse and I just do not agree with it at all. There are many, many problems this girl’s boyfriend has, I’m not sure being overweight and average looking should even figure as the deal-breaker.

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  31. Dear Email writer,

    A relationship is a two way street. You cannot take the blame for failure of a relation. I was in a relation with someone who thought it was his right to tell me what to wear, who to meet, what to do and even how to talk. He did not like it if i wore jeans or skirts, did not want me to meet my friends, question what I bought, did not want me to use something like Kajal, and even tried to tell me how I should talk and what language i should use. He did not have a job and would call me every 10 mins to talk. Initially it was cute but eventually, it was a pain, He was free and was doing nothing, but I had work and he would never understand, He though I was being paid a six figure salary to warm a chair (he told me that too). His friends would be rude to me and it never bothered him. I paid his bills and even his household bills (he lives in a joint family) . He thought blogs and book were ruining me for every Indian woman compromises and does what the man in her life wants and its normal for women to give up Jobs, family, hobbies and friends to get married.

    Even when I knew the whole thing was not working for me, I stuck with it coz I was not sure how I will. Looking back, He totally isolated me from my friends and family and I was scared that I would be alone. But when I decided to take a stand and move on, It was difficult but it was the best decision I’ve taken. Though I have met/spoken to my friends in a long time, they were all there for me to help me pick pieces, My parents stood by my side too, and Now I am happier. I know thing like clothes and jewelry are small things and lot of ppl would ask you to compromise. but what I have realized is many small lil things make our lives.

    All I will tell you is take a stand, we choose to be who we are. If someone likes/loves you, They should accept you for what you are and not what they want you to be.

    And its OK to cry and get it out, didn’t someone say What soap is for the body, tears are for the soul.🙂

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  32. Girl, you’re in an abusive relationship. Run.

    The guy’s stuck in the 1950’s. Doesnt seem like he thinks of you as a person, an individual, but more like a cat he saved, and who’s life he wants to control. He liked when it he could be your saviour, your protector. But cant stand it, when you try to be a thinking living human being.

    You deserve better.
    Really, you do.

    Dont worry about what folks will say, or what he’ll say/do. Stand up for yourself.
    Standing up for yourself, demanding to be respected, treated as a human isn’t wrong.

    Value yourself.
    Dont apologies for being yourself. Dont apologies for your past relationships.
    You are who you are. And you learn from all your experiences.

    Until you learn to value yourself, and be unapologetic about it, you’re likely to continue landing up in similar relationships.

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  33. Dear mail writer,

    u have already mentioned the positives and Negatives of the person and the relation. so, i think you are old enough and smart enough to asses and come to conclusion. looks like you already have decided upon it and just need a confirmation check. it your life, u can do what ever u want, if u think u will be happy, then go ahead, if u think u will suffer in years to come, ditch him. nothing is wrong. you have made a choice of accepting his proposal, now its upto to u to continue it or put a full stop. in either cases, it will be upto to to make life happier and livable.
    all the best for ur future.

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  34. Email Writer,

    *I joined my college and happened to be in relation with a guy (with an intention to marry him).* Please please please … please understand that it’s not necessary that every relation should end in marriage.
    You can have multiple broken relationships. And still you can have your own colorful life. End of any relationship doesn’t mean there’s an end to your life.

    He helped you to get your normal life back. And you are thankful to him for this. But being thankful doesn’t mean that you owe ur life to him.

    (1) First try to find out that Do you really love him or whether you felt grateful to him to help you?

    (2) From his behavior it seems that he doesn’t feel that you are capable enough to take small decisions. Such as where u can go? With whom and till what time etc… in initial days this looks or you can misunderstood this as caring or sensitive but I look at this as controlling, over obsessive or emotional black mailing behavior.

    (3) Another question is why you have to inform him everything — you informed him that you are taking your friend to hospital. Was this really necessary? Did you guys follow this pattern? I mean do you tell him every time when you go out. If yes then does he informs you about his whereabouts all the time? Forget this also. But trust me girl it will be very messy to handle after marriage where one partner have to be always answerable to another one.

    Girl, stop treating yourself inferior. Just because you are having a broken relationship. Please don’t marry this guy. You have to face much much more worse things after marriage. And in our culture walking out of marriage is a situation similar to world comes to an end for girls. Or let’s say it this way having one more broken relationship is always better than having miserable marriage.

    Like

    • Dont you watch bollywood, Jeez everyone knows that your supposed to marry your first boyfriend.

      I know this is not the tiime for jokes but I couldnt resist.😛

      Like

  35. That is one of the reasons you NEVER marry before 28. You take your time to observe, learn and study about the other person before you take a decision. And of course, by study it means how the other person behaves in unexpected situations… uncomfortable, painful and irritating situations. Ergo Don’t get married any soon, for your life!

    Like

    • I agree that you should feel comfortable about marrying someone but 28 is an arbitrary number! I don’t think that has to be true for everyone.

      Like

  36. Dear Email Writer

    A lot of women here have shared their stories with you.

    I was also in one such relationship but thankfully it took me only 3 months to realise what a loser he was and I dumped him.

    Initially it was all very beautiful. He paid a lot of attention to me, made sure I was looked after and I felt wanted and loved. But very soon the attention turned to possessiveness. Suddenly I couldn’t wear Jeans, I couldn’t talk to my male friends. I was not allowed to go out without his permission, he was in my face 24 hours which started to irritate the shit out of me.

    He used to follow me everywhere I went. If I was at work he used to wait for me to come out and then force me to hire a rickshaw from my office to his place so he could spend time with me. And all this was at my expense. He used to tell me how his mother covers her head in front of his father and how women in their house were not allowed to speak and they only ate what their father liked. He even wanted me to pay for his fake graduation certificate.

    The final straw came when he hit me really hard one day because I had spend a night at my best friends house when her father was killed during a car accident during our final year exams. The reason for him hitting me was that I had ignored him when he loved me so much and waited for me at my friends place when I was paying more attention to her.

    I distanced myself from him but he kept following me. Appearing outside my exam centers, my house and when I got a new job he started coming there asking the security guards to call me as I was his GIRLFRIEND. He even tried to intimidate me by asking a cousin of his who was a Police officer to write me a letter telling me how I was mentally torturing him and if he committed suicide I would go to jail.

    Despite all these threats I ensured I stayed away from him. I however became very careful and ensured that I never went out alone for sometime and took a friend with me. I changed my numbers even told the security guard at my Building and my work to never allow him inside. He persisted for a few weeks and then gave up when he saw nothing could move me or scare me.

    It has been 12 years now since that incident and I am married to a man who doesn’t care about my past because that it does not make who I am. My husband knows everything about me and it is not and never been an issue between us. He loves me and respects me and gives me space.

    This is the time for you to make a career and be independent. You don’t need a man to make you strong or give you a future. Make your own future and find the strength in you. And for god sake change your passwords to a VERY STRONG one that he cannot hack. I know my husband for 10 years and till now we have not asked nor will share each others passwords. Hell we don’t even know each others Internet banking passwords.

    Being in love doesn’t mean you own that person it means you are matured enough to let that person grow. You are not his property or his hobby so please don’t let him show you otherwise. And I hope after reading all the encouraging comments here you will realise how strong you are and make your own path. Rather then letting a looser show you the way.

    Like

  37. Dear EM, most of the people realize the true nature of their partner only after they start living with him/her after marriage, consider yourself lucky that you are able to see the positives/negatives of your boyfriend beforehand. Ask yourself if you can live with this kind of control throughout your life? Understand that such conservative men will only think they have increased rights over you after marriage, be prepared that it will only get worse. If you really really love him, put your foot down on issues that you have raised, do not fight, just be firm about your view points on the same. Give yourself a month or two to see to what extent he can change, if he loves you he will change and understand your views, if not, trust me he is a loser of a guy and you are better off without him. Always listen to what your gut feelings, you seem to already know that the relationship is not going very well, there is major personality clashes already, ponder on the feedback you have got her. Good luck with your future. Keep us all updated.

    Like

  38. Bull Shit!!! My dear girl, he is a JERK. Get rid of him ASAP. I donno how long you have been in relation with this guy? But, just imagine how you are going to spend your whole life with him? Can you come home at 6 your entire life? Just that one thing is enough to reconsider your entire saga. I did not read all the comments, but looks like everyone has something positive for you. You are going to be absolutely fine. This world is not running out of men. Just leave him and you’ll realise how much peace you have. And don’t buy for his mind games.(i.e., his crying dramas….didn’t you see in movies they say, don’t believe crying men..yes, really. don’t believe crying men. I have seen it all my life in my house) And next time when you bump into an another guy, plsss make sure you set expectations first, not try to meet their expectations. Tell me one thing. if you put on over weight after your relation started, would he be still the same? So, just think…not think, just ACT. Good luck!

    Like

  39. Hi

    You seem like you have low self-esteem and are insecure yourself (Im not trying to be mean). You seem to define yourself and your value based on whether you have a boyfriend. You got out of one abusive relationship and than quickly jumped into another. You should have taken some time to heal.

    Your young, take some time away from the dating scene. Just enjoy being single, spend time with your family and friends. You need to focus on building your self-esteem. You said you felt that the second guy deserved a better girl. There is nothin wrong with you. You are a beautiful intelligent girl and deserve the best. Why do you feel less worthy because you were in an abusive relationship. You should feel proud you had the strength to leave amd rebuild your life. Some women stay with their abusers the rest of their lives.

    Or are you ashamed because you didnt marry your first boyfriend. There is nothing wrong about have had multiple boyfriends. That is the whole point of dating to find the person you want to be with,

    And this boyfriend is just as abusive as your last. In fact he seems worse. The crying and the guilting you about how your prettier and how he loves you blah blah. He emotionally manipulating you.

    You need to break up with him and remain single for awhile. You dont need a boyfriend to complete you. No boyfriend is ever going complete you, you need to complete youself.

    Like

  40. Hi, you seem like you have low self-esteem and are very insecure. (I`m not trying to be mean.

    You left an abusive relationship and instead of taking some time to heal you jumped rigt into another relationship. You define yourself and your value and worth based on whether you have a boyfriend.

    You need to take some time out of the dating scene and enjoy being single. Spend time with your friends and family , go on adventures. The first thing you need to do is repair your self-esteem.

    You said you felt that your boyfriend deserves a better girl. There is nothing to be ashamed of having been in an abusive relationship. You had the courage to leave hime and rebuild your life. That shows great strength, and you should be very proud of yourself, some women stay in abusive relationships their entire lives.

    Or are you ashamed you didnt marry your first boyfrind. There is nothing to be ashamed of, of having multiple past boyfriends. `So you have a “past`, everyone has one. Your a grown women who has lived a life. You say you feel lucky that he has never mentioned your past boyfriend. Thats a relationship in the past, its over, its none of his business anyway.

    You are a beautiful and intelligent young women and you are worthy of love.

    But you need to take the time to focus on you. You need to complete yourself, no boyfriend is going to be able to complete you.

    Like

  41. Pingback: An email: He did not want me to be “more” educated than he was. | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  42. Can’t the email writer who seems pretty mature to me talk to him and explain all this that she feels ?

    Once the point it across its the guy’s reactions that will decide the further course in this relationship… ?

    I don’t know why people complicate things… and he is not the last man on earth either is he ?

    Like

  43. Hi! I am a 28 year old guy , I used to have an attitude like your bf , very similar, am to be married soon, yes I would agree with the thing about getting home from work too late , I do worry about my fiance , so many thingd could happen, since the last three months I have changed my attitude and become very submissive to the point that whatever I own including my business is in my wife to bes’ name, I stopped trying to control her, and now she has total control over me, I do everything , the laundry, cooking and even if I am dead tired and my wife comes back really late or even after spending a weekend with her friends, I give her a massage and serve her obediently, after I have given her 100% control over all aspects of my life, (she even decides what I eat ,wear,movies I watch and who I talk to and whom not to talk to) I just realized one thing even though I am a virtual slave now, on the inside I am trully happy, and feel so free and my love for her has grown by leaps and bounds

    Like

  44. Hello Email Writer

    If you are thinking that means you are not ready. Otherwise you would not be thinking. There is no such marriage that can be called ‘ideal’…but if you go by trend, guys are more matured and are respecting women who act independent. Any relationship sustains on respect…try to gauze how far you are respected and if you are not..then the relationship is going to be short lived.

    Clearly I can see that you are not acting independently….take a control of your mind and be a soul surfer you will know.

    Possessiveness is neither a trait nor a right!

    Like

  45. Get out of it n fast !!!!!! God e’s a creep !!! U can never ever be happy with a guy like that. Initially it hurts but later ul realise it was for ur own good

    Like

  46. Pingback: “She is barred from accessing Gtalk, YM, FB, twitter… Her calls and messages are checked every day. He does not want unnecessary tensions.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

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