Sharing an email.
Hoping you can help some.
Its been 3 years since I have been married. Have an 18 month old daughter, a home loan for 30 lakh and a car loan for 7 lakh. In-laws have never helped from day 1; instead have found every reason to try and squeeze as money as possible (the entire amount spent for the marriage was mine – we even printed out the invite cards for them).
Despite that, father in law (FIL) has shown as much respect as you would for an unwelcome cockroach in your home. He despises my widow mother, and
still sniggers at what I had told him pre-marriage (I’d told him that I would support my younger brother in his studies if needed …. a different story that the brother hasn’t touched a rupee from me – has chosen to work and study at the same time).
My husband is the only guy who is educated beyond 10th grade in that family, as they are a religious family. They have believed in pooja-paath and such training more than actual education. We earn enough to make a pretty decent living.
He has hated me, and my daughter even before my daughter was born. In
fact, when we got married and my co-sister gave birth to a baby boy, my FIL told us proudly that his “dynasty” never produced girls (as though girls were beneath them) – if there was ever a girl, it wasn’t their sperm, but our egg to blame.
He hadn’t seen my daughter until a few days ago. we took her to him when she was born, and he refused to even look at my child. He goes around telling people that he wants to get his son married a second time, as his daughter in law “cannot beget sons”.
Recently my tyrant MIL passed away (she had tried to make my life as close to hell as possible when she was alive); my BIL and co-sister walked out on my father-in-law due to some money related disputes. Now, since he is
left all alone, he wants us to move to his home (he had thrown us out of his home when I was suffering from a miscarriage; he told us that “this” (miscarriage or no children) would happen to those who angered him. He had given us a 15 day notice to find a new home and move, before he slapped a legal notice on us. It was a terrible time for us – as all the money I had was spent on my marriage, and my husband had practically no savings, having given every single rupee to his parents and brother; imagine coming up with 5 lakh in a week. At the end of it, weren’t even left with enough money to buy an asprin for the next couple of months).
Now, he wants us in his home – just so that he can get more money out
of us. I made it clear that I don’t want to go back to him house – a home where neither I nor my daughter is respected. My husband grudgingly agreed. But now, the FIL wants my husband to buy the house for 40 Lakh.
The FIL had put the house up for sale a couple of times earlier, but with no go. Now he wants to get rid of this house and get the money, so he wants my husband to buy it.
My husband will not be able to take a loan by himself, and both the
father and son know it. We already have taken loan, and the daughter will
begin school in a year, so we need money for her donation etc., they
have to make me take the loan as a co-applicant. I don’t want to do
this, and I have told my husband this. I want to earn only for my daughter – everyone else comes a distant second. the rational part of my husband’s brain understands this and agrees to it.
However, the FIL is brainwashing my husband every day, every minute.
Each night we lay next to each other, and I tell him why it will be a bad idea – and he agrees. Every evening the next day, he comes back from office and tries to convince me how much his father needs the money (his father already has enough money to last a lifetime in his bank account. The interest from one account itself earns him 12K) and now he wants us to buy the house so that the house his father built “stays within the family”.
I am tired of this tug-of-war. I am tired of talking the same things over and over again, and building up the tension between the both of us. My husband is usually a sane and rational man; and takes good care of me and my daughter. I don’t want to give it up (though if it comes to that, I am not scared of walking out) – just because his father is brainwashing him.
I don’t want to fight – because that will only push him more towards what his father wants. All my FIL wants now, is for his son to stay with him; and to give him all his money the way he used to pre-marriage. Having said that – I don’t want to go through this every day, I am living in the constant anxiety about what the FIL has said to my husband that will make him go all ballistic on me.
What should I do? I am a non-confrontational sort of a person, who hates to fight for more than an hour or two. I usually compromise because I don’t want my home to be a battlefield. Now I feel that – if I don’t fight for my right and my daughters’ what will I fight for?
What is the use of my parents’ upbringing? And then I think if I fight, and if his father wins, my daughter will have to live either with a single parent or in a broken dysfunctional home. I don’t want that either.
I do know one thing though – my father was a lower middle class man, who ignored his needs and wants, and that of his wife’s – heck he ignored his diabetes and his wife’s arthritis just so that his daughter could get a decent education.
My mother had always regretted not being financially independent, and has ingrained the need for the same into me. I cannot throw all that away just like that. I cannot throw away the courage and strength my parents have imparted to me; I cannot bend t o my FIL’s greed … but I don’t want to break up a family (mine) and leave my kid bereft of what I had – a set of loving parents because one old man is being manipulative.