“…if this thing comes out my husband will think my wife is after all not that ‘pure’ or is not that ‘untouched flower’”

This email validates what was said here, in, ‘Here’s why I think the society should not obsess over a woman’s virginity.’ And why it is harmful for the society to associate sexual inexperience with the ‘purity’ and sexual experience with  morality.

Dear IHM,
My hands are trembling as I type this. Thanks a lot for the response. As far as your queries are concerned, my cousin haven’t expressed regret. Whenever we have to meet for family occasions I act as if nothing has happened. As I said, it happened only 2 or 3 times and involved only inappropriate touching (I am not making the matter trivial),I am finding solace in thinking that may be it was a phase of his curious teenage days coz after I grew he never repeated it and behaved like a brother.To those who read ,in no way I am justifying his actions but its a way of finding peace or coming into terms with the incident.Even if he express his regret I will never be able to forgive coz that thing will haunt me till death.I can never avoid him coz not only is he my cousin but he is my neighbor also😦 . About confronting him with the support of my parents,siblings etc…. well not even in my dreams I can think of it. I come from a traditional but educated background where we never talked about sex or things like that.The nearest thing which my parents did was to give me a book which dealt with the so called ‘taboo’ topics when my marriage was fixed(by the time I was 23!!)So just imagine the shock of my parents if I reveal it now.The first thing they will ask is why I didn’t tell them earlier .Even now I don’t have an answer.. may be I just buried it deep so that I don’t have to deal with it or I didn’t know what to say etc etc and the most important thing is that I am ‘happily married and settled’ with three young kids and a ‘nice’ husband and the cousin is also married and now a ‘family man’. If my parents come to know of this eventually my husband will also know then I cant even imagine the consequences.The consequences will be bigger than the ’cause’. I would have confronted him if I got support from my husband but if this thing comes out my husband will think my wife is after all not that ‘pure’ or is not that ‘untouched flower’ (I cant stop smiling.. this is 2012) and never will be comfortable with me again. One more thing, my husband will blame me for the incident and I will never be able to make him understand coz he really wont get it and my married life will never be the same. I am not making my husband an evil person he is just a typical Indian husband who is a great provider and a good father who sees me only as his wife.So if this matter comes out, I will be the biggest IDIOT of the century in my locality.Even this revealing scares me a lot coz I think I have opened a Pandora’s box…again the post is so long and thanks from the bottom of my heart for this platform GOD BLESS…

the lost little girl

The first comment is here.

 

Please consider, “…for this lady it happened 2-3 times and she is on tenterhooks for so long in life unable to come out of it. Imagine the state of victims who have suffered for prolonged period and in even worse form. Unfortunately the perpetrators rarely get to understand what they  have done…” (Anil Singhal’s comment)

Related Posts:

Here’s why I think the society should not obsess over a woman’s virginity.
Romanticizing innocence, chastity and related taboos for women.
Sexual abuse victim thrown out of school for being a bad influence on other students.
It’s child abuse not an ‘affair’.

58 thoughts on ““…if this thing comes out my husband will think my wife is after all not that ‘pure’ or is not that ‘untouched flower’”

    • Maya, you consider being sexually molested as a ‘small thing’. I wonder what traumatic horror you’ve faced that has desensitised you to such an extent. I hope you heal.

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    • @Maya, you are right absolutely 100 % right. The child sex abuse is so common that around 50 % children go through some forms of it during their childhood and dont you think thats reason enough to take it seriously ?? By sharing my experience here I am not trying to be fussy or trying to be a drama queen or trying to gain sympathy.I was just looking for a safe place to disclose it since I cant openly tell to people who are around me without being judged.Thats all.

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  1. Its hard to comment on this post, basically because I think virginity is a non issue. I do realize that there are many who don’t think like that … but my advise would be to keep quiet and stop brooding about the past. Grow beyond it and think of other and happier things

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    • As she says, she is not making the matter trivial, which is good in terms of not ignoring the gross act and making it an issue. But as for carrying on with her life, I think what Ritu says is correct. Move on!

      At the same time, I’m tempted to make a comment that for this lady it happened 2-3 times and she is on tenterhooks for so long in life unable to come out of it. Imagine the state of victims who have suffered for prolonged period and in even worse form. Unfortunately the perpetrators rarely get to understand what they would have done..

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      • @ Mr Anil, what you said is entirely true.In my case though it involved only inappropriate touch and that too 2 or 3 times,I was really tormented by the fact that I cant tell anyone what has happened.When I was a child I didnt know how to tell and later when I grew up I knew ,if I tell
        it now ,it will traumatise my parents because the society has set up impeccable standards on girls of marriagable age and my disclosure will make tongues go blah blah and question my worth,purity and all such nonsenses(though nothing that serious happened.) Now that I am married with kids and if I tell it now..I am damn sure my husband will never be comfortable with me coz he is little conservative about all those matters.We Indians should be able to say out loud if such things happen without fearing the consequences just like in Western countries where the whole blame rests on abuser.Its not only the act but the inability to say out loud and point the abuser to the society makes it so nauseous in present Indian context. As you have said I cant imagine the plight of kids who are going through really serious abuse for years because of the inability to voice it out due to social norms.Compared to that my issue is really nothing.Waiting for an Indian scenario where any girl can confidently point out the abuser to the society without anyone questioning her purity ,worth and doubting her future prospects…..

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    • Like Anil pointed out – “for this lady it happened 2-3 times and she is on tenterhooks for so long in life unable to come out of it. Imagine the state of victims who have suffered for prolonged period and in even worse form. Unfortunately the perpetrators rarely get to understand what they would have done..”

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      • I agree IHM.! I have also suffered similar situations where in cousins tried to get even with me sexually.! But maybe you say, my mom’s prayers saved me always.! One of the cousins went on to be a priest and today he is respected in the society.! What is worse is I am supposed to respect him as well, in lieu of the position and powers he has.! I am strangulated alive when I see people coming and kissing his hand after a mass.! The same guy was once a proclaimed sexual offender in the family.! I gave myself a chance even though those were just futile attempts at mollifying me, but had I not given myself that chance a furor might have happened in the family.! Ignore such monsters, let them live their lives you live yours.! Try every possible way to avoid situations where in you have to face them.! Trying can make things happen.!

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  2. IMO, I think you should avoid brooding over it, as a couple of commeters suggested. But that is easier said than done, given that it is human nature to seek closure on traumatic events (which it seems, you haven’t achieved yet). I think the best (and perhaps only) way to deal with this is a see a non-judgemental professional counsellor.

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  3. to the LW. accepting that you are in no way to blame for the incidents is the first step to healing. maybe talking about it will also help in healing. see a therapist. talk about it, get the hurt and every other negative emotion associated with it out of your system.
    and most importantly, teach your children to protect themselves, and swear you will always be there for them.

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  4. My heart goes out for the lost little girl.. But keeping these things inside is never going to do any good for her. I am not sure if at this age men would see their wives as impure because of a molestation? I hope she is just not assuming them and hiding it from her husband.. Whatever it is I hope she seriously finds an outlet to express her anguish.. I hope she gets a closure on this matter..

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  5. By association of what is undesirable and dissociation from what is agreeable, only men of little intelligence, become subject to mental sorrow of every kind. When things have become past, one should not grieve, thinking of their merits. He that thinks of such past things with affection can never emancipate himself. One should always seek to find out the faults of those things to which one begins to become attached. One should always regard such things to be fraught with much evil. By doing so, one should soon free oneself therefrom. The man who grieves for what is past fails to acquire either wealth or religious merit or fame.

    That which exists no longer cannot be obtained. When such things pass away, they do not return (however keen the regret one may indulge in for their sake). Creatures sometimes acquire and sometimes lose worldly object. No man in this world can be grieved by all the events that fall upon him. Dead or lost, he who grieves for what is past, only gets sorrow for sorrow. Instead of one sorrow, he gets two.

    When any such calamity comes, productive of either physical or mental grief, as is incapable of being warded off by even one’s best efforts, one should cease to reflect on it with sorrow. This is the medicine for sorrow, viz., not to think of it. By thinking of it, one can never dispel it; on the other hand, by thinking upon sorrow, one only enhances it. Mental griefs should be killed by wisdom; while physical grief should be dispelled by medicines. This is the power of knowledge. One should not, in such matters, behave like men of little understandings.

    One should not lament individually for a sorrowful occurrence that concerns an entire community. Instead of indulgence in it when grief comes, one should seek to avert it and apply a remedy as soon as one sees the opportunity for doing it. There is no doubt that in this life the measure of misery is much greater than that of happiness. There is no doubt in this that all men show attachment for objects of the senses and that death is regarded as disagreeable. That man who casts off both joy and sorrow, is said to attain to Brahma. When such a man departs from this world, men of wisdom never indulge in any sorrow on his account. In spending wealth there is pain. In protecting it there is pain. In acquiring it there is pain. Hence, when one’s wealth meets with destruction, one should not indulge in any sorrow for it. Men of little understanding, attaining to different grades of wealth, fail to win contentment and at last perish in misery. Men of wisdom, however, are always contented. All combinations are destined to end in dissolution. All things that are high are destined to fall down and become low. Union is sure to end in disunion and life is certain to end in death. Thirst is unquenchable. Contentment is the highest happiness. Hence, persons of wisdom regard contentment to be the most precious wealth. One’s allotted period of life is running continually. It stops not in its course for even a single moment. When one’s body itself is not durable, what other thing is there (in this world) that one should reckon as durable? Those persons who, reflecting on the nature of all creatures and concluding that it is beyond the grasp of the mind, turn their attention to the highest path, and, setting out, achieve a fair progress in it, have not to indulge in sorrow.Like a tiger seizing and running away with its prey, Death seizes and runs away with the man that is employed in such (unprofitable) occupation and that is still unsatiated with objects of desire and enjoyment. One should always seek to emancipate oneself from sorrow. One should seek to dispel sorrow by beginning one’s operations with cheerfulness, that is, without indulging in sorrow the while, having freed oneself from a particular sorrow, one should act in such a way as to keep sorrow at a distance by abstaining from all faults of conduct.The rich and the poor alike find nothing in sound and touch and form and scent and taste, after the immediate enjoyment thereof.Before union, creatures are never subject to sorrow. Hence, one that has not fallen off from one’s original nature, never indulges in sorrow when that union comes to an end.

    ~ Santi Parva , Mahabharata

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  6. Quote
    ——-
    If this thing comes out  …….
    ———
    Unquote

    If it has not come out till now, why should you fear it coming out now?

    My advice:

    Don’t ever mention this to your parents, children and in particular to your husband.

    If you did not  initiate this inappropriate touching,  if you did not encourage it, if you at least made an attempt to resist it, then you need not harbour any feelings of guilt.  You are a victim only. The other party is guilty. Let him suffer, not you. You can and should bring down the curtain inside your mind on this incident. 

    But unlike the writer in the previous post, this cousin has no regrets, it appears. Has this cousin ever attempted it again? Do you fear he may try again if there is an opportunity? If he ever makes a pass at you, scream for help and if possible and practical, use any instrument handy to ward him off. 
    Then raise an alarm and expose him. Your husband, your parents, and hopefully your guilty cousin’s family too will support you and teach him a lesson. 

    As regards the past, even if threatens to mention the incident, its simply his word against yours and I dont think he will talk about it now.

    On your part, do everything possible to avoid a situation where he may get an opportunity, even at the risk of creating an awkward social situation.
    If he offers you a lift, or drop to some place, do not accept under any circumstances, even if this offer is made in the presence of your husband and he appears okay with it. Wriggle out tactfully if you can or if you cant think of a way to avoid it simply say no, and if pressed for a reason, simply say it is personal. If your husband asks why you created a scene, simply tell him that you don’t like being alone in a confined space with any adult male other than the husband, and refuse to discuss further.

    Don’t open the door if you are alone in the  house, and he comes knocking.
    There are so many plausible  ways you can later explain to others why you could not open the door. You can also tell him to keep off. He will understand why you said that.

    I am writing all this because you stated that he is now your neighbour. So it is  possible that he will someday get an opportunity and try his luck again.

    Bottom line.
    You are not guilty. Forget (or try to forget) what happened. Take precautions  in future.

    Regards
    GV

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    • @vishvanaathjee, thanks for your concern.I dont fear this incident coming out through anyone other than me.You know, I couldnt keep it buried for so long and I wanted to share it somewhere and I was just listing the facts why I cant share it with my family.I was really trying to bring to your attention that how a victim cant openely share his/her feelings if something of this sort happens in her life which directly encourages the abusers to stalk their next victim enjoying full privacy and carry on with their henious acts. Regarding my cousin,this happened during his teenage (I was 6 or 7 and no way I initiated or encouraged him !! and still dont know why I was standing like a deer caught in headlight back then,I couldnt move, may be I was so shocked that I was making myself believe nothing was happening, I really dont know!!) and after that he never behaved inappropriately with me even when I turned into a young lady all these years.He acts just like an elder brother.May be he is now ashamed of his deed and dont have guts to apologise .I am not at all afraid of him now and I am very sure he wont approach me with bad intentions and if he does now I am brave enough to cut his balls and feed it to dogs..

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    • I disagree with this line
      “if you at least made an attempt to resist it”
      most of the time you are so shocked and scared as a child that you are unable to think, to breathe, to move let alone “resist it”. That does not make you any less of a victim, and it surely does not make you guilty

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      • @RD
        Yes, you are right.
        I had assumed that the writer of the email was a teenager or older when it happened.
        She has now informed us that she was just about 7 years old when it happened.
        At that age, this should not be a consideration.
        Many of my other suggestions too are no longer valid.
        Thanks for your keen observation.
        Regards
        GV

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        • Kids aren’t alone in not resisting. Everyone reacts differently to sexual assaults – if a teenager or an adult freezes in shock or fear, does that mean he or she should feel guilty? I don’t think so – do you?

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      • @ RD,
        what you said is absolutely correct. I didnt resist.The part which troubles me most (even now) is that I didnt even move or acknowledge such thing is happening with me.The ‘touch’ or ‘caress’ only took seconds and during that I was froze like it was not happening to me.I still wish even as a child I could have said NO so that he didnt take my silence as consent and thought I was also having a good time(my skin crawls at this thought and really feeling nauseous).If I was a teenager this would not have happened because by then I knew the difference between bad and good touch and straight away I would have shouted ‘NO’ and informed everyone.The thing is that if I reveal it now to people around me they will ask why I kept ‘silent’ during the incident and for that I still dont have an answer….and this will eventually point finger at me….

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        • Um, excuse me, but if people around you point fingers at you if they ever get to know about this, then they deserve to get their brains examined by a specialist. At 7 years of age, which would be a child in the 2nd standard, no one is to be chastised for not speaking up. What kind of ridiculous mentality is this?!

          And if your cousin touched you inappropriately when you were that age, and in no way an object of sexual attraction, well that puts him under the category of scum known as child abusers. Please make sure that he is not allowed near your children.

          Honestly, I cannot imagine what goes on in the minds of people who would scorn a child traumatized by abuse. And now that you have revealed the age at which this happened to you, I don’t think your husband would have any reason to think that you are not an ‘untouched flower’. He should be very sympathetic to your feelings. Maybe you could try ‘sounding’ him first, by talking about child abuse and such, and see what his reaction is, before perhaps talking about this to him. You might just find that it strengthens your relationship, and it would bring you peace of mind if he supports you. That would play a huge part in your spiritual healing.

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  7. Dear Girl – you are not lost. The fact that you have analysed your situation and consequences shows an inner strength and wisdom – most victims never get out of ‘something is wrong with me – that’s why I was chosen’ phase.

    From your email I gather that the fact that he remains unpunished torments you (hence you speak of informing others). You have analysed the potential reactions of your family members. It seems that if you do go in for a confrontation, you will be a victim, or rather you will be punished the second time round – you relationships esp with your husband could deteriorate, you will be singled out, pointed at, tongues will wag, and you will be shunned.

    Consider it bridge under water and move on. I am a big believer of ‘what goes around, comes around’. Don’t think your cousin will escape punishment – it will be deliverered in some form. Yes, the thought will come back to you again and again – the more you try to push it away, the more stronger it gets. DOn’t push it away. Let the thought come in, let it dwell, let it leave. It will fade gradually.

    You mention you are ‘just a wife’. If I read between the lines – you are yearning to have a small world of your own, where you are you. I think you should find an interest that is just yours – which gives you an identity..(i know it is a boring cliche). But cultivating an interest is therapeutic, it strengthens your mind and helps you move on, and away. It will also help you assert yourself – and make it known that you are not available all the time for everyone; and when you are busy with YOUR stuff, you expect your time to be respected. Your husband – he may not express it outwardly, will respect you as an individual.

    You mention three children – how adoring, how precious! Do you know you are the centre of the universe for three young lives? No one can take that place – revel in it! Yes, you have a lot of positive things in your life – make the most of it.

    Move ahead, lost girl. Don’t remain a victim all your life – you owe it to yourself.

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    • @Sumana, thanks for your lovely response.The reason I want to disclose the incident is that I just want to feel free..dont want to carry it to grave.Its not about punishing him, I am a firm believer and I am sure God will give him his dues.I have really moved on..enjoying life with my husband and kids just like any other young woman and the only glitch is that I cant share this with my loved ones because of the Indian mindset which will again make me a victim 2nd time around( as you have said) and probably disrupt my life.According to me, being married means I should be able to tell anything to my partner without being judged.In this case I cant because my husband is conservative in certain matters (he loves me and is a good man) and wont be able to digest the matter especially since he shares a friendly relationship with my cousin.

      What you read between the lines is correct :-)) I am sometimes bored of waiting ,I want to
      carve out a space of my own, be somebody other than being a wife (do I sound selfish ??).I read a lot, have enrolled in some online courses and is on lookout for a job…also running a lot behind my three beautiful cherubs :-)) TRULY BLESSED.

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      • You are probably an inspiration to many women – abused or not – who nonetheless suffer. Your positivity is radiating out of the screen!
        Wanting to be something that defines YOU as a person is not being selfish – it is being normal, healthy, alive and kicking! Wife is just an important role one plays…isn’t it? God bless the cherubs🙂

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  8. What strikes me in this email is the way she describes her husband (“a typical Indian husband”) and then how she says that for him she is “only a wife”. It sounds almost like a hopeless case.

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    • Dear EM,
      Thanks for your response.I dont know your background or nationality.In my case, both my husband and I come from a background where sex before marriage is a taboo.Many of my friends had love marriages but there is never an open boy friend girl friend relationship or free mingling of sexes or live in relation ships. I know many are now open about their relationships and it wont bother a man if he hears about his girlfriends’ exes and vice versa.I know I am the first woman( sexually) in my husband’s life though he might have had his own share of fantasies and love interests during his growing phase.So he will also expect that he is the first ‘man’ in his wife’s life and thats true in my case.In my locality this expectation is common .By ‘typical Indian husband’ I meant typical of our ‘background’ and I know nowadays virginity is not an issue for many young Indian guys but most of them still secretly wish for a virgin wife even if they are masters.So knowing all these I cant tell my husband even if it didnt involve ‘serious’ matters.For him I am only his ‘wife’ by that I meant he sees me first as his wife and then only everything else comes.If he sees it that way its not that he is bad but its the way he was brought up.He is a good person,takes responsibilities,helps me in household chores,does all the grocery shopping, didnt demand a dowry,respects my parents ,good father etc etc Compared to what I have seen around I know I am lucky. I assure you this is not at all a ‘HOPELESS CASE’🙂

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      • the lost little girl,

        Thanks for a clarification. I’m sure in many ways you are lucky and happy to have a husband who caters to your needs.

        But I also think it would be so much easier for you if you could share every issue with him, even the most difficult ones.

        Maybe if next generations could approach issues like virginity/ sex with more concern over a person’s well-being instead of general principle or honour, the quality of married life would improve tremendously.
        🙂

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        • @ EM,
          thats what I am saying.I would be much happier if I could share this with my
          husband without fearing any consequences…eventhough I am the victim here that too when I was a child.Hoping for a brighter future for every child ….

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  9. to all those who commented…thanks for ur response.Ofcourse I have moved on ..I dont feel guilty for what happened.I feel beautiful inside out and enjoy the life as it comes . The reason why I shared my past over here is that I always wanted to tell someone about it but couldnt because of the double standards of the society.Imagine someone doing wrong to me and I have to keep mum fearing the consequences… I feel really relaxed now as if taking off a heavy burden after sharing it here where I dont have to fear doubting minds or questioning stares Moved on long long time ago but will never be able to FORGET coz whenever I see that cousin, read or watch similar news or during watching the episodes of SMJ …all that takes me back to the days where a little girl was just lost not knowing what to do for no fault of hers.As I have already written and Mr.Anil has pointed out,I really cant imagine the plight of kids who went through serious abuse and all those abusers should know the seriousness of the crime they have committed and also the society should really change its mindset so that more people can talk about it openly so that the abusers cant carry out their deeds without any hindrance or remorse..

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    • The flashbacks that you describe in response to triggers kind of sound like Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I suffered from it for a long time after a bad accident and it affects many people who have to face extremely stressful situations including what you have described. One of the main symptoms of PTSD is the feeling of never being ‘completely over it’. Of course, this is just my perspective, but you would most likely benefit from seeing a professional counselor about this.

      In India unfortunately seeing a counselor is viewed as being weak, but a good counselor is worth his/her weight in gold and what they have to say is usually very different from the advice that ordinary people can give you. So I would encourage you to make that appointment and go see a good one.

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      • “…a good counselor is worth his/her weight in gold and what they have to say is usually very different from the advice that ordinary people can give you.”
        This is worth its weight in gold. In situations like this, the lay advice does very little to help a victim. Just asking victims to ‘get over it’ doesn’t work because the emotional scars of sexual abuse are deeply entrenched in our memories. Only a skilled psychologist is capable of handling it.

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      • @PGW,
        Thanks for ur concern.I couldnt find the ‘Reply’ tab for ur comment above this one,so I am replying here.
        By writing people will point fingers at me, I meant they will ask ‘why am I saying it
        now?’ One mistake I made was that I should have told this to my parents atleast before my marriage so that after marriage, I could easily tell it to my
        husband.Before my marriage I avoided telling fearing ‘what will happen?,finding solace in it happened only 2 or 3 times long back and everything is OK now and why poking an old wound’ ‘etc etc

        Also if I reveal it now, my parents will be worried how it will
        affect my marriage? and regarding my husband’s reaction I have written it
        in my first post,u can find the link at the end of this post.

        Apart from the ‘purity’ issue and all that stuff,the thing which will enrage my husband is that why I didnt tell all these 10 years and the scary thing is that he has a pretty good friendly relation with this cousin and you can imagine what will go thru my husband’s mind when the villian gets a ‘face’ which he likes and respects.. How I wish I should have let it out before my marriage….

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        • You were an absolute child when these incidents happened, in no way to blame for any of the abuse that you encountered. I think your cousin keeps quiet about it because he is secretly hoping that the memory of the abuse has been lost by now, that you no longer remember anything. This gives him the security to carry on as if nothing had happened.
          The thing to do is always be alert about this man. Don’t worry about your husband and parents – if they ask, just say that this particular cousin always gave you the heebie-jeebies when you were growing up and you don’t like to associate with him. Second step: Understand that he has the cunning required to abuse any victim after isolating them. Perhaps this is the role that has been given to you. Be alert for the small and helpless children or young girls in your family who might fall into his clutches. Be bold enough to ask about them loudly if they are gone too long when in his company. Be their guardian in family social situations. And if your husband asks about it, just respond as before: that this man always made you uneasy, and you will always be alert around him. Even an indirect approach like this will tell your husband, even one really traditional, that all is not right with this man. Traditional-minded people don’t lack compassion, it’s just a question of how you frame the problem.

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  10. This is a tough place you are in. You will find it difficult to manage when you see things that trigger this unsavory memory. Get help…professional help. We, who comment here will give you topical advice on how to deal with it depending on our experiences, some will be empathetic, others will do their best to rile you even more.

    From what I understand from your words, you were finding a safe place to vent, cause you let this event ferment in your mind to the point of explosion…My advice is probably going to be very flaky but it is from a over all, what you might need to do, point of view. First of all – assert and affirm to yourself every day that it wasnt your fault. So let it go, forgive yourself for your “imagined” tresspasses. 2. dont rent space for this person in your life or mind, which means you have to be aware of what you are thinking or doing and why you are thinking or doing those things. If these thoughts begin to haunt you gently tell yourself that “it is alright/you will be alright” take back your life, step away from fear and loathing, do not allow this one person and event to ruin your life by living in pain and fear constantly. That will be your best revenge – Living Well. 3. Next time you want to vent something you dont want anyone else to know, write it out on a paper and burn it as soon as you finish reading what you wrote or record it on a dictatophone and then erase it. Its a technique for letting go. Do this as many times as you feel the need to….Just let this go and move with your life.

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  11. Please make sure your 3 young kids are not left alone with him, since you mentioned he is your neighbour now. That is the best you can do now.

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  12. Sad statement on the child abuse so prevalent in our society and an ever sadder statement on the state of husband and wife relationships!!!!!!!!!!

    In the end it is the victim/survivors choice as to whom and how she should share this with. Whatever gives you peace you should do it.
    There was this uncle who tried to touch me when I was 20. Actually it was a wedding and we were all sleeping in one room and suddenly I woke up to groping hands and gave a yell and I saw him slink away… Of course not being the shy type I loudly asked him during breakfast next morning and he denied it. The elders of course asked me to shut up. Many years later he visited me after my wedding with his wife .. Since my parents and us we split he was the patching up fella…. Or so he claimed. He came one afternoon when I was home and I was not happy. I had tea served in the backyard and he left soon after. My husband came and was quite upset that I kicked out the one guy who wanted to reconcile from my end and I told him his misdeeds…. That was it, the next day when he came to meet us again my husband told him very clearly that he respected his age and his willingness to patch up but he was not welcome at our place due to the incident. And that was that..
    I’m saying this because your husband may surprise you and be supportive, there a men like that you know.🙂

    Like

    • @Rdha,
      Thanks for your response.The thing is that both our experience are different.If like you ,I was in my 20s I would have reacted just like you and would have told my husband eventually.Since I was only a child back then,I was not aware of the complexities of the adult mind and the first thing that haunts me is I didnt say NO to my cousin and while growing up when I realised the seriousness of the incident, I couldnt tell fearing the consequences.So now in my 10th year of my marriage if I tell my husband ( he now shares a friendly relationship with this cousin!!),the first question will be ‘why I didnt tell earlier and what happened now so that I am telling now? ‘ I think you can see where this will go and against whom the whole blame shift…No I am not taking the chance even in my dreams to test the ‘broad mindedness’ of my husband🙂 I have disclosed it here and the discussions have given me a channel to let out all that negativity and I really feel free now..

      Like

  13. 1. Most Indian parents train and condition their kids to believe that living/being certain way and not hurting them is more important than their own kids. How much more unhealthy and business-like can it get?
    2. Parents and society want women to be thankful and treat good husbands as great husbands just because the rest of the society is filled with bad husbands. What are we, physics students learning relativity?
    3. Almost no Indian has been taught or learns how to confront issues, situations and conflicts. All we are good at is how to cover up, put up a front for society and equate not bringing up issues to issues being non existant. Isn’t it time for us to stop pretending and get real?

    That said, my advice for the lost girl:
    You may have been little when the incident happened but you aren’t any more. You have all the right to confront and take control of Right Now. It is unimportant whether you tell your parents or not. But it is important to share that with your husband and ONLY because that cousin is now your neighbor and a good friend of your husband. If he wasn’t and you weren’t forced to see him everyday, it wouldn’t matter. But now it is total torture and discomfort you are putting yourself through. It is also very important to confront this person. What if he’s a gutless coward? Why don’t you be the brave one and tell him that you are aware and remember such an incident and what he has to say for himself? Why wait till he knocks your door and then feed his balls to the dog? You never know, may be this confrontation might even change his image in your own mind and give you solace.
    You are right that your husband is very good in that he provides and does all other things you mentioned. He may not understand what happened, what you went through and that’s ok. That doesn’t make him a bad husband. But you have all the power to explain to him what went through inside your head and help him understand. I’m sure he will understand given that he sounds like a loving and caring person, a good father especially. Heck, that one episode of SMJ is sufficient for anyone to understand.
    Given that he was in his teens it is likely that your neighbor is a pedophile, but you never know. You owe it to your husband, yourself and mostly your kids to make sure that he doesn’t have the same thoughts anymore towards any other kids – 7 year old or others. Go for a family counseling with your husband and a group counseling to get this guy evaluated if necessary.

    Your future, kids future, disturbing the current “happy” family may be the biggest concern in your mind. But they are just a tiny speck in the big picture. If you are not happy it wouldn’t be a happy family. You cannot be unless you confront and resolve.

    That or move out for goodness sake!

    Like

  14. 1. Most Indian parents train and condition their kids to believe that living/being certain way and not hurting them is more important than their own kids. How much more unhealthy and business-like can it get?
    2. Parents and society want women to be thankful and treat good husbands as great husbands just because the rest of the society is filled with bad husbands. What are we, physics students learning relativity?
    3. Almost no Indian has been taught or learns how to confront issues, situations and conflicts. All we are good at is how to cover up, put up a front for society and equate not bringing up issues to issues being non existant. Isn’t it time for us to stop pretending and get real?

    That said, my advice for the lost girl:
    You may have been little when the incident happened but you aren’t any more. You have all the right to confront and take control of Right Now. It is unimportant whether you tell your parents or not. But it is important to share that with your husband and ONLY because that cousin is now your neighbor and a good friend of your husband. If he wasn’t and you weren’t forced to see him everyday, it wouldn’t matter. But now it is total torture and discomfort you are putting yourself through. It is also very important to confront this person. What if he’s a gutless coward? Why don’t you be the brave one and tell him that you are aware and remember such an incident and what he has to say for himself? Why wait till he knocks your door and then feed his balls to the dog? You never know, may be this confrontation might even change his image in your own mind and give you solace.
    You are right that your husband is very good in that he provides and does all other things you mentioned. He may not understand what happened, what you went through and that’s ok. That doesn’t make him a bad husband. But you have all the power to explain to him what went through inside your head and help him understand. I’m sure he will understand given that he sounds like a loving and caring person, a good father especially. Heck, that one episode of SMJ is sufficient for anyone to understand.
    Given that he was in his teens it is likely that your neighbor is NOT a pedophile, but you never know. You owe it to your husband, yourself and mostly your kids to make sure that he doesn’t have the same thoughts anymore towards any other kids – 7 year old or others. Go for a family counseling with your husband and a group counseling to get this guy evaluated if necessary.

    Your future, kids future, disturbing the current “happy” family may be the biggest concern in your mind. But they are just a tiny speck in the big picture. If you are not happy it wouldn’t be a happy family. You cannot be unless you confront and resolve.

    That or move out for goodness sake!

    Like

  15. I have had my share of inappropriate touch incidents from extended family members in my childhood. As a mom of a 4 yr old son, I have always wondered how to teach my child to 1) not be a victim and more importantly 2) not be an abuser ? I have done many talks with my son about speaking out and identifying good touch/bad touch, but I wonder how many people teach their kids to behave?

    Like

  16. First thing remove the guilt, second thing as you know CSA happens to over 50% , so you never know your husband might also be a victim and he might be hiding this from you as you are😉

    6 or 7 is too little age to know any thing or even remember anything.. There was this neighbor of mine who was in his teens and I was 6 or 7.. and he used to make me touch his private parts.. then I didnt even know what and why he was doing it.. this happened 2-3 times.. I can so empathize with you..

    But let bygones be bygones, make sure you protect your kids from being victimized !

    Like

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