An email: “My heart literally is tearing apart while writing this… feeling like to die…”

I hesitated in sharing this email and then realised the email would not have been there if we, as a society, did not refuse to discuss these issues. All the identifiable information has been changed. What would you say to the email writer? Do you think he deserves to be forgiven?

Why do you think did he feel and act the way he did?

“I had to go study at my maternal aunt’s place in a city, after passing my class 8 exams from a remote village. I had 3 female cousins, one of my age and 2 elder to me, as the place and environment was new it was very difficult for me to live the city life but since my cousins and aunty etc were very cooperative, it became lovely for me (14 years of age  that time)…. I respected and loved my aunty, uncle and cousins too much.

After passing my higher secondary examinations, I started helping my uncle’s in his business while also pursuing my bachelors, me and my cousin used to fight and quarrel a lot but we loved each other so much that we used to literally pray to each other for hours to start talking once gain.

We shared a relation in which nothing was secret amongst us, If any of us did not have dinner due to anger, the other one left no efforts to make him/her eat. We used to talk for hours while holding hands… although we were of same age, she used to call me bhaiya and I used to call her didi.

Whenever I used to go to my hometown or on a work trip and by mistake i used to forget wishing her goodbye, she didn’t talk to me for days..even if I was out of station… call.. sms.. we were constantly in touch.

Years went by, we were now 21 ½ years of age and were in final year of graduation. My work required a lot of travelling and I used to catch a train at 5 in the morning. On one not so fine morning when I was leaving the town and went to wish her good morning, she was sleeping, it was never on my mind but I do not know what happened, I just ensured that she is in sleep and started touching her inappropriately, I went out of the room.. came again and did the same (My heart literally is tearing apart while writing this… feeling like to die)  she came out of the room after 5 minutes and and said “Wow! What a nice way to awake someone (In so much anger)… I didn’t say anything… don’t know why.. and left to catch the train…. when I was in train, she informed everybody about my dirty act… everybody started calling me and when I came back at night, you can imagine what everybody must have done with me but I didn’t accept my fault and left the house.

From then onwards, I started burning in a fire… for which I believe there is no extinguisher………the guilt of that day is not letting me live….unable to put this feeling in words.

I moved to a metro and enrolled for higher studies, I accepted my blunder by sending thousands of e-mails and texts to her and to other cousins… but to no avail, I literally have spent more than hundred sleepless nights crying.

Sometimes I believe that it was for good because now I am too much into meditation and good deeds, me and my family can’t believe that I am the same person, for my family and younger siblings, I am an ideal, a hero…. but for me… I am no more than a cheapster…… my cousins have not spoken to me since then… but the grief I have is not of them not talking to me…the real pain I am going through is that ..I can’t believe how I could do that…. My life has become hell and I can’t believe that I have lost such good relations.

Whenever I topped my college in this new place, there was no happiness… when I am now awarded best employee…..there is no happiness either.

I very well know that I did a sin for which there is no forgiveness from GOD also……

WHAT SHALL I DO ?????

Edited to add: I just found out that this email was sent to one more blogger, I feel if the email is genuine then this discussion would be helpful, if it is not then the email writer would be disappointed to find the issue being discussed so clinically, either ways we are discussing a socially relevant issue.

57 thoughts on “An email: “My heart literally is tearing apart while writing this… feeling like to die…”

  1. Confession and true guilt of the ‘crime’ is usually the first step to salvation.
    Problem with most of the molesters is that they are guilt-free!
    They carry on with life as though what they did was nothing unnatural or out of the blue.
    You had the courage to apologize. That sets you apart.
    Also, your cousin had the courage to confront you, she must be applauded too. I’m sure she must have been equally hurt …..
    Time is the best healer. As long as you refrain from any such actions in future and take the effort to educate/inform your colleagues and relatives about the evils of taking women for granted, you’ll be fine.
    Keep faith. and good luck!!

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    • //your cousin had the courage to confront you, she must be applauded too//

      Although this post is about this guy realising his mistake but I really liked this line in your comment, may be her confronting played quite a part in him realising his mistake, in most cases victims don’t confront…and offenders take it as if they did no wrong. You know how Indians say, “uski chup ka matlab haan hain…’

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    • What momofrs says. I couldn’t have expressed it better. And yes, I would have forgiven him if I was convinced that his apologies were sincere and that he did not repeat his ill-actions.

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  2. If you are truly repentant, you have atoned for your act. The hardest part in overcoming any wrong we have done is to forgive our own selves. You need to forgive yourself. That is the only way forward. Do it now, dont carry this huge weight. We are human, we do err and we do sin. But we have to atone and forgive our own selves. We are the hardest on our own selves

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  3. We all err and atleast you realize your mistake.! Had you not realized what you had done and continued doing the same, you would have been a sinner a celebrated molester guilt free and monstrous walking on the face of the earth.! Forgive yourself as Ritu said, and things will fall in place at the right time.!

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  4. Come clean in front of everybody, face to face. Accept what you did and apologize to her in person with your whole family present. Dont think your family knows right? and maybe then you might get the forgiveness that you are searching for.

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  5. I typed several lines and deleted them, again thought a bit and typed some more lines and deleted them too, I don’t know what to say… If I was your cousin, or her family member, I wouldn’t forgive you, no phone calls or emails would do the trick..
    You really are repenting what you did you say, but let me tell you apologies won’t change anything, it would be better for you to not think about it and try to concentrate on more productive things. I would like to suggest, join some NGO, or do some social work, it might make you feel better….I don’t know what else to say right now.

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    • I feel that genuine repentance should be accepted. You don’t have to have anything to do with the person who wronged you but forgiving him or her will allow you to put the incident behind you and move forward with your life. Holding on to a grievance means letting it fester inside you for the rest of your life.

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  6. Accepting that you did something wrong and repenting for it is a very good first step. At the same time do accept the possibility that your cousin may never forgive you and that it is her right to decide on accepting or rejecting your apology. Keeping that in mind, continue to focus on all the other good things that you are doing – let this be a good learning tool and may you never forget the lessons it has taught you.

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  7. I’m going to write a different language then most of the commentators, so I’m already bracing up for thumbs down, but I mean to be non-judgmental. The event / the act was definitely gross and you have realized it yourself than anyone else and you had already gone on the path of atonement or repentance. And also promised yourself that there is not way you could repeat it. I will quickly suggest that when you did that it also was all of a sudden something switched and you have no idea how you did. So, I would also warn that while you can promise yourself you will not repeat but in principle it can happen again. The last statement I am making to tell you is that at times – things just happen. These are because of some energy accumulated over in the past or past lives and they were meant to happen to neutralize something you don’t have any understanding about. So for now, you cannot change the past and all you can do is bless the event and see what was there for your evolution. You had in your possible ways asked for forgiveness from the victim and did best (I assume) that was humanly possibly. So, I think it is time to move on.

    The day the whole things stops is that day you start forgiving yourself. Focus on all things that are more important to you. Maybe you can work with NGOs that work with sex abuse since you see how gross it is. While the society if it find this aspect about you will immediately say – oh – how can you be helping the cause when you had done it in the past. But that is the quirky way the world works.

    So, my spiritual take is. There are no guilt or regrets in the universe. There are just events. We attach meaning to it suit our needs or understanding or social conditioning, etc. Life is about moving on. At all times, we make choices. You made choices – so paid for the choices, so now make new choices, and you will have a new life. But if you choose to focus in the past, you will not come out it even in the next million lives, but that is what you want.

    The fact remains that for your cousin, again it will take her time/understanding to come to terms with it. You have to be understanding about it, so if you want magically for her to see your repentance that may or may not happen. When you think of the situation – just bless the event – say your sorry – send love/energy in the genuine honesty you mean and move on with your life. Someday the sum total of your pure thoughts and energy will give you true atonement.

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    • Anil,

      I wholeheartedly agree that, this guy should volunteer. But, I am against him volunteering at a place that helps sex abuse victims. He can help with earthquake or tsunami cleanup, finding lost kids, animal shelters etc, but not with sex abuse victims. I don’t think anyone who is molested would want a molester helping them.

      As a trained DV counselor and volunteer for the past several years, I would never accept an abuser volunteering to help my clients, that too to rid himself of guilt. You have to realize that there is no document or concrete proof that he has changed, its just his word here. While he maybe a changed person and I do believe that people can change, it is simply too great a risk to take with an abuser. The privacy and mental health of my clients come first, the abuser can seek nirvana elsewhere.

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      • Fair enough, DG. The idea I had in mind is find your own salvation. I remember in Gandhi movie when Om puri comes to Gandhi for repentance – saying he killed a muslim baby. What Gandhi tells him, he should now adopt a muslim baby and bring him/her up according to his/her faith. I really loved that thought. It just came to my mind when I was writing it. I also therefore mention that it will always be difficult to for society to accept you with your background. As much it is difficult for anyone of us to give job to a thief even if he say he has repented! But, then all of this is energy in return for what you created.

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        • Btw, The Gandhi movie context is during the partition of India & Pakistan and lots of atrocities of all kinds were being committed by one faith to the other – and part of it was also merciless killing of babies of the other faith.. I mean it was crazy times..

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  8. Repentance, regret, owning up and apologizing have all been done.
    Your suffering due to guilt pangs is sufficient punishment.
    Forget the past. Treat yourself as a person who has paid his price for defaulting.
    Doing something constructive in future can also help you atone for your past.
    Fortunately you did not go beyond “inappropriate touching”.
    I agree with momofrs who gave credit to your cousin for confronting you boldly and putting you in your place.
    Most girls would have been traumatised, embarrassed, and fearful of even admitting such a thing happened.
    Unfortunately her courage is not matched by generosity.
    If in spite of your text messages and phone calls saying “sorry”, she does not have this ability to forgive even if she can’t forget, it is something about which you cannot do anything. Avoid meeting her in future and stop punishing yourself further just because she and her family are unwilling to forgive you.

    Let this be a lesson to you and I am sure you will be upright and proper in your conduct with the opposite sex in future.

    Now that so many people unknown to you have come out in your support, I hope you will overcome feelings of depression and face life with confidence in future.
    Frankly you have no choice but to forgive yourself and move on in life.
    Regards
    GV

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  9. You did have amorous thoughts about your cousin before you actually went about and did the ‘regrettable’ act, now didn’t you? I don’t buy that you were suddenly ‘taken over’ by raw instinct. Maybe the ‘act’ was non premeditated but surely you had some prior (for lack of a better word) sexual inclination towards this cousin.

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      • You got me all wrong there! I’m not focusing on what is already done… just asking if he already had sexual thoughts about his cousin before he molested her. Had he replied in the affirmative I would have stated that I was perfectly understandable at that time (being a teen with raging hormones and all) to have such feelings (but DEFINITELY not act upon them). What was wrong was being in denial of such sexual stirrings and feeling guilty for having them. And THAT is what drives these people towards becoming molesters. Had he been aware that it’s okay to have such feelings he would probably not have gone ahead and actually molested his cousin.
        Having healthy understanding of sexuality is very important for teens to help them pull through the tumultuous time they have at that age.

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  10. A comment from ‘the lost little girl’ in response to ‘An email: Satyamev Jayate touched a deep wound. After almost 30 years I broke the silence.

    Dear IHM,
    The child abuse episode of SMJ actually brought out a dark memory buried deep inside a long time ago but still painful to touch and throbbing like a wounded thing.Hugs to the survivors who had the courage to speak out ..I wish I had someone to share…To let it out of my soul for the first time ,I am sharing it here .so that I can let it go (it wont go..I know but still..) I was 6 or 7 at the time and my cousin who was a teenager then made me touch him and also touched me inappropriately.This happened 2 or 3 times.Now I am in my 30s and when I look back I still find fault with me because I didnt say NO.I loved to read and he used to lure me with books so I would enter his room and this all happened then. The most horrible thing is that I still have to face that SCUM sometimes.As I said ,it only happened 2 or 3 times and after that he was a perfect brotherly person.I know I sound ridiculous but I think may be he made a mistake in his teenage and he repents now..I dont know…When I see him nowadays..I want to ask why did he do that to me but I dont have courage coz if my husband comes to know of it all the blame will be on me.My husband will never understand.I even hinted to him that around 50% children are abused sexually and in most of the case its the relatives and he shrugged and said it wont occur in our households ,it happens only in morally corrupt people and even if it happens wont the child tell their parents ?? So if the child doesnt tell and if it repeats who is at fault ?? Imagine my plight !!
    I dont know what goes thru my mind nowadays when I see my husband and my cousin chatting amicably..I sometimes wish I was abused by a stranger so that I would never have to face him (I KNOW I SOUND CRAZY) What do you all think ??Sorry IHM its loonggg ( I can write a book,the feelings are that much messed up and I cant imagine the plight of victims who went thru years of serious abuse)

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    • That is why I gave a thumbs up to @sm comment when they said to @The Regreter to accept the possibility that his cousin might not ever forgive him. See, how this girl is feeling, can you expect her to wash that incident away from her life, even if her(lost little girl’s) cousin is also repenting now.
      😦 Life’s so complex, ain’t it?

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    • Perhaps you should confront your cousin and tell him to limit his interaction with your family.

      It is disappointing to read that your husband sees child abuse through the prism of “morality”. He will probably blame you even if you were brave enough to confide in him.

      I do hope that you take proactive steps to ensure that your own children and younger cousins are not exposed to similar situations. Perhaps you could begin to teach children in your family about what inappropriate touching/CSA is?

      I remember the scene in Mira Nair’s Monsoon Wedding, where the neice finally confronts the uncle (played by Rajat Kapoor) about her abuse. It is such a cathartic experience for her.

      Perhaps you could try to confront your cousin as well?

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  11. At the risk of sounding judgmental and insensitive, I have to say eww! eww! and eww!! I am sorry to say this but it only seems that you want forgiveness to clear your conscience… What about your cousin? what about the trust she had placed on you? I wouldn’t have forgiven you if I were your cousin! Let me ask you this.. would you have felt the same way if your cousin had not confronted you? would you have stopped if she had pretended that nothing had happened and everything was okay?? In a way thank your cousin for she has shaken your soul!!

    The only option you have is to accept the consequences of your action.. and face it..

    @IHM – for your question as to why he might have done that – I would say pure lack of education.. I mean as a girl grows up parents take extra care to tell her to cover up but how many focus on teaching their sons to ‘not stare, it is very disrespectful’?

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    • Exactly why I even published this post Sushma. “as a girl grows up parents take extra care to tell her to cover up but how many focus on teaching their sons to ‘not stare, it is very disrespectful’?”

      Boys in Indian families are not taught what kind of behavior is absolutely unacceptable.
      And if we read little girl lost’s comment above, we will see why it is difficult for a victim to behave as if nothing happened.

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      • IHM yes, a boy is rarely taught how to behave in the presence of a girl – while that is the ONLY thing hammered into a girl’s head ‘how to behave in front of a boy’.

        Also I feel we severely lack a sense of privacy, and never instill the concept of ‘respecting privacy’ in children. For example, the bed-room of an adolescent is off-limits when he/she is asleep…period. It is more important for a girl – no cousin/brother/uncle etc. should be allowed to enter her room esp. when she is sleeping. “She is sleeping. What do you want? I will get it for you from her room.” It is a firm message that puts off predators, without being rude. If the men feel hurt, so be it. This is difficult when space is a constraint – all the more reason for parents to be vigilant.

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  12. I don’t think you lack respect towards women. What you did was indeed disrespectful and terrible, but that incident in itself does not reflect on yourself as a person who is by nature a molester. I think you regret the incident terribly, and you will never do anything like this in the future. You have sought forgiveness from your cousin and her family, and there is nothing more you can do beyond that.

    I do not mean to justify what you did in any way, but I also think that if our society were more open to sexuality and sexual feelings, we would not repress them so much and then let it out in sociopathic ways.

    One commentor above mentioned that you must have had amorous feelings towards your cousin from before. I don’t think you need to beat yourself up for that. Sexual attraction is normal, and as long as it did not take over you psyche and was well in control, did not affect your other, normal feelings towards her (i.e – did not objectify her), there is nothing wrong with that. Of course, this particular incident was a horrible mistake, and you already acknowledge that.

    I was abused myself when I was 7 and 12 years of age. They were both one time incidents, and did not go beyond inappropriate touching. But, one thing I remember is, that I wanted the abuser to continue with whatever he was doing. And when I grew older I used to think I was a terrible human being for ‘liking’ it. It is only after several years that I have come to terms with my ‘enjoyment’ of the abuse, and accepted it as part of the natural sexual response, but which in *no way justifies the abuse*.

    For some reason I was reminded of this while reading your story, even though you were the perpetrator and not the victim, which obviously intensifies the guilt.

    I hope you can come to terms with it, move on, enjoy a normal sexual life with a consenting partner, and perhaps do your bit towards volunteering for a cause against sexual abuse. 🙂

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  13. Sexual curiosity and attraction in adolescents (esp 13-15) is very strong even if they related, such as cousins. A girl in pigtails suddenly appears more womanly. the aunt who was nothing but an aunt – is suddenly very attractive to a boy. It sounds disgusting, but it is a fact. Most get over it in a healthy peer group. By the time one is 18, things are calmer. Yet, most parents stay is denial about the sexual development of their children (my son is so good, he never lifts his eyes to see a girl); and boys have to live up to that ridiculous moral benchmark. It is EVEN worse for girls.

    In your case, it was no different. To me, it seems the fights and ‘make up’ with your cousin, the ‘strong’ bond was less brotherly and more of promiscuous attraction on your part. When an opportunity presented itself, you went for it. It is a sad, unfortunate incident.

    The difference between you and others who have indulged in such acts is that you regret it. You tried to make amends, and are still seeking for forgiveness. Most molesters are psychologically not wired that way – once they have that ‘pleasure’, they find more and more ways to indulge in it. From that respect, I admire you. It takes great courage to admit a wrong-doing and seek forgiveness.

    You have to accept the fact that this will stay with you through-out your life. Understand that your cousin would have been bewildered. The first question that would have entered her mind (and I’ll be surprised if her mother has not already told her this) is that ‘What did I do to provoke him?’ She would have felt dirty, ashamed and betrayed. These are much stronger, and more negative emotions than guilt. She may never be able to forgive you – it might even scar her relationships with men. More importantly, with so much of guilt, I don’t think even you can have healthy relationship with a woman.

    The more you try to assuage your guilt (you’ve mentioned NGOs etc) the more you will feel like a person with a mask. The more people come up to you and praise you for your good deeds, the more of a fraud you will feel. What you are doing right now – the meditation and so on. – you are trying to SEE YOURSELF in a better light. You will never have a closure till your cousin forgives you, which may or may not happen; and till you see yourself in a better image.

    The ONLY thing that I can suggest is get professional help. All the stuff we are writing are emotional responses to you. A professional will be able to guide you over a sustained period, in a neutral, non-judgemental way. He/she might even be able to arrange a confidential, closed meeting with your cousin. I think your cousin also needs this outlet – to pour her anger on you. It is a much healther environment to do so – than in the presence of family members.

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    • Excellent and mature response!!
      The only doubt I have is had the girl not raised an alarm would he have stopped? He himself says that he did it a second time when she did not react initially and also when confronted by family was in total denial. It was much later that the realisation hit when people started seeing him in bad light and then he started seeking forgiveness and atonement. Maybe to rid himself of the guilt.
      I think he does need professional help here.

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      • Prathiba…you are absolutely right. I think there was a good chance that it would have repeated, had the girl not confronted him. The only reprieve here is he chose to change, rather than go about looking for other victims.

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  14. Tricky one this.

    Can see why the girl cousin is behaving the way she is. Total breach of trust etc. But maybe, just maybe, because you are sincerely regretting it, she will some day get over the intensity of how hurt she is.

    As for you, the best thing is that you seem to truly regret it.

    Really do not know what else to say since I can only be in the girl’s place, not yours.

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  15. The person above seems to be repenting for what he has done. It is important that he forgives himself before expecting his cousin to forgive him. The burden of guilt is too heavy to carry all through your life!

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  16. As you sow so shall you reap !!!! This may sound harsh but thats how it is – we all have to live with the consequences of our actions. You regret and and you repent – that shows your soul is still alive but being forgiven is not in your hands.
    A freind of mine really harmed me. I was undergoing abuse in my marriage. He professed to love me and wanted me to marry him. That time I chose to give my marriage one more chance. He could not stand it. He hacked my email accounts – sent morphed photos of me to my ex’s friends, sent me abusive mails in my work account. Finally I had to complain to the HR, who then called for the anti sexual haressment comiitee and he was chucked out of the company.
    Some months later I got an sms asking for sorry – I changed my number.
    A couple of years later I got an email from him begging from forgivess – I did not reply and blocked him. Years have passed since this incident – he is married and has a son. In the meantime I have got divorced and remarried. It was only last year his apologies stopped and it was a relief to me.
    It is not like I wish him ill but his apologies are a reminder of betrayal – the trust I put in him in a vulnerable situation – a time when he exploited me when I needed a friend.
    I guess in your case there is nothing much you can do – you have to live with the consequences of your actions. However your past does not make you a bad person. You will be judged on the present. We all make mistakes – big mistakes and grave sins – what marks the difference is how we let it affect our future. You admitted your “crime” – you genuinely repent it – you apologised. Thats it !!! I would suggest let your cousin in peace and do not remind her of this betrayal. You try moving on with your life. Maybe help out others making a difference. It would make you feel good about yourself. Try to forgive yourself.

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    • /I I guess in your case there is nothing much you can do – you have to live with the consequences of your actions. However your past does not make you a bad person. You will be judged on the present. We all make mistakes – big mistakes and grave sins – what marks the difference is how we let it affect our future. You admitted your “crime” – you genuinely repent it – you apologised. Thats it !!! I would suggest let your cousin in peace and do not remind her of this betrayal. You try moving on with your life.//

      Exactly my thoughts!

      First of all,please stop hounding your cousin with emails, letters and phone calls. Even if she has truly forgiven you in her heart, bombarding her with apologies might make it hard for her to forget and move on. Also like most commentators have said before, it is your duty to apologize, but her prerogative to accept your apology, forgive you for what you did or have a relationship with you again in the future. Also, please seek professional help if your guilt is affecting your everyday life.

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  17. indeed Anil rightly said..what is done is done..things cant be changed so try to use your energy now for some good work and educate kids as such things can be avoided with proper knowledge..
    and your cousin will take time as she must have been really really hurt too with the incident and it is quite expected that things wont become normal now between you cousins so accept it and move on with clear thoughts🙂

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  18. It is a very sad story. Sometimes people never realize how sorry you are either because the scars are too deep or because they really mean to hurt you for what you have done, by never forgiving you. I would advice you to move on, because you have confessed to yourself that you were wrong and everything else is beyond your control. Try and engage in hobbies, extra curricular activities and visit spiritual places. Meanwhile i condemn the act of relating this incident to what boys are taught at home, boys are as well mannered as girls, parents make sure of that. Parents also make sure that their sons don’t go around molesting or behaving inappropriately with others. This incident happened not because boys are ill mannered but because sometimes they go wild driven by emotions. This happens with girls as well, so i sincerely request you to sympathize with the lad and not try and prove that boys behave worse than girls.

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    • Nobody here said that boys are ill mannered, people here are talking about social conditioning wherein girls from a young age are taught to cover themselves (as that is deemed to be decent behaviour) but there is no such boundary for boys. People here are talking about the environment which represses sexual feelings/desires which leads to such aggression.

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      • So therefore you criticize the inequality practiced in teaching manners in Indian homes. Now i hope you realize the fact that boys have traditionally been chasers, and are generally more aggressive because of their hormone composition and i am afraid this is true in case of your refugee center America too. And hence girls being physically and sexually less aggressive need to be taught more and on the other hand boys need some basic tutoring. And i am sorry you haven’t noticed it being done in each and every home.

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  19. The initial comments were incorrect. The later ones that understood the issue better were more helpful. Some of the commentators here have raised the issue of adolescent sexuality. The boy or youth made a mistake. Bro, what you did was inappropriate, at an inappropriate time and with an inappropriate person. A lot of things in life are about timing, person and place. The same act done with another appropriate person, at another time and another place would perhaps leave both of you smiling. What you did was wrong, not a sin. If you were a molester, etc etc etc, your behaviour would have continued. Since you have not done so and realised your mistake and not done it elsewhere, I think it is time to move on.
    I am also worried about how this has affected you. Have you sworn off girls?????? Unfortunately, in all this molester, abuser rhetoric, only a few commentators have raised some apt issues —
    1)Adolescent sexuality
    2)The need to recognise it and regulate it (Task of the elders). I do not understand why the relatives did allow you entry to the girl’s room. I personally think purely platonic relationships are difficult to sustain between the sexes (yes, yes I prefer this).
    3)Now that you are older and you will get more old, repeat “I will not allow impulse to override my better judgement”.
    KC

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  20. I dont beleive in this philosophy you do a crime , accept it say sorry and its all washed away NO SIR it does not ..

    You can repent , say sorry what ever but no matter what you do its not gonna change for your cousin and rightly so.. Why should she pardon you and as far as other relatives or people you know their pardon.. WELL thats again is not worth anything .. as they have not gone through what your cousin went through and moreover THEY have no right to pardon also..

    this life you are living is the punishment I guess and you have to go through it like any other person .. heaven and hell is here on earth thats why they say it , we can make is a heaven for ourself or hell by doing bad things.

    But I definitely not believe in the Sorry business, saying sorry and all goes fine .

    You can concentrate on what you are doing and make a life for urself far away where people may not know you and maybe just maybe have a happy life ..

    But that’s about it

    I know how it feels to be abused or molested , I will never forgive the person who did that no matter how big a saint he is now.. dont know about your cousin.

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  21. Edited to add: I just found out that this email was sent to one more blogger, I feel if the email is genuine then this discussion would be helpful, if it is not then the email writer would be disappointed to find the issue being discussed so clinically, either ways we are discussing a socially relevant issue.

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    • I feel the email is genuine and sent out of desperation. Maybe the person felt that sending it to more then one blogger would increase the chances of his mail being published. In any case, the discussion is relevant and helpful to others, whatever the emailer’s intentions

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  22. On your edited note :

    The way the guy seems to be overweighed by the guilt – maybe he sent it somewhere else too. If it is troll kind of stuff, its fine too. Since, atleast it brings to the fore that – these kinds of things have their negative sides too – as in post the act .

    Blessing to the e-mailer writer – either way – genuine or otherwise. It definitely gives enough perspective to lots of issues in this discussion

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    • It’s a good change to hear from a person who acknowledges and repents his actions. We rarely get to hear this so think all perpetrators lack remorse and are unaffected by what they’ve done.

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  23. You were 21 when this happened not a young boy of 14. This is inappropriate behavior – especially when associated with an adult. no matter how overcome you were and now how repentant you are what’s done is done and there is a price to pay for it.

    1. the girl is to be applauded,for coming out and putting you ont he spot immedietly,
    2. her parents did their job and supported her_ no applause reqd in my opinion..🙂
    3. You denied it and are now remorseful? well atleast you understand what you did, get counselling and try to put it behind you and serve as a lesson that you will NEVER forget.
    4. You abused her trust, it is hard to get past that, I don’t think she will like to associate with you or want her family to associate with you.
    the best you can do,

    Accept your mistake, ask their forgivemess andlead your life like a good human being. Ii don’t think it is wise to constantly text her and ask for forgiveness , that’s harassment to assuage your guilt. would you want your son/ daughter/brother/sister to have contact with someone who behaved inappropriately with them, and not just some stranger a person you trusted, loved, and were raised with!!!!!!

    I may be harsh, let’s just account it to my advancing years and say if i had welcomed someone into my home for many years and he did this to my son , no matter how much he repents , he is NOT getting anywhere near my sons — EVER ( or atleats as long as they are not adults)

    SO move on. you’ve broken trust there and somethings can never be repaired. from now on be good.

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  24. Forgiveness is all very well, but for some mistakes there can be no correction, no matter how many Gandhi and Jesus Christ quotes we read and agree with. The girl has every right to cut off relations with her cousin and no one can make her get back on speaking terms with him if she doesn’t want to.

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  25. what i love about this email is that this is the first time that a wrong doer has come out and given their side of the story. this side of the story is just never heard! i am sooo happy to get a chance to hear it. thank you ihm for publishing this.

    secondly, see, its like this. you did what you did. that u feel guilty about it is good. am not sure if everyone feels this way.i hope they do.

    but most of all, i hope that potential abusers are reading this and looking at the life of guilt that is coming their way if they do what they are planning to do. most abusers are “normal” people , and am hoping they have the normal sense of right and wrong. an act like this haunts the victim, but it also haunts the perpetrator. this person did it with an adult. imagine his guilt if he had done it to a child.

    so, net net, i think this post will help the other perpetrators the most. one act of … well, less than perfect self consciousness, and u have a lifetime to repent. think about that.

    i do wish that more perpeterators would come out with their version of the story. am sure it will help everyone – the victims, the other potential criminals, and everyone else who observes and does not do anything. you are not just tormenting another person, you are creating your own personal hell where u will be tormented for the rest of ur life.

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  26. Write your cousin one last email, clearly stating that she was in no way responsible, and none of her actions “provoked” you, and it was your fault entirely. Knowing how screwed up Society is, she’s most likely feeling guilty herself about what she could have done to “entice” her dear “cousin brother”. Also tell her that you’ll respect her decision not to talk to you, and that you’ll not hound her anymore.

    Then, stop hounding her for forgiveness. It’s not her duty to make you feel better about whatever happened. If she forgives you, and wants you to know, she’ll reach out. Or not. If you’re genuinely sorry about your actions, I’m sure you won’t want her to suffer the added pain of seeing emails etc from her molester. The emails you’re sending are themselves a form of abuse,if you didn’t know already. Let her be!

    I’m tempted to say that had you had female friends your age, you’d have found someone more suitable to direct your amorous attentions on, and that would have been normal. I’m sure your cousin not talking to you is punishment enough, stop beating yourself up about it. Like one commenter said above, seek professional help if you need it. Just don’t pester your cousin anymore.

    Good luck.

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    • “you’d have found someone more suitable to direct your amorous attentions on”

      Clarification: I did not mean that he’d have found someone else to molest,and that that would have been normal,but that he may have had a girlfriend had he been exposed to more females.

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  27. sexual attraction, even towards inappropriate people is normal. how do you know the object of your attraction is similarly attracted towards you or not, especially when you share the kind of emotional and physical closeness you talk about? only by making some sort of move – verbal or physical, I would think.
    just that usually both persons are conscious at that time, and are capable of responding the way they want to.
    your fault was not in feeling what you did- nobody can help feelings. but everyone is expected to have some control over their actions… that distinguishing factor between humans and animals, remember?
    normally the right thing to do is not to make the move on someone who is out cold, unless of course it has been previously established that they like to be woken up that way.
    both of you here are adults in an equal relationship; there is no question of a power play here which is the crux of sexual abuse or molestation. in my opinion you are neither and abuser nor molestor. you simply allowed your hormones to over ride your good judgement.
    you did what you did, she said no. you figured out you made a mistake, paid the huge price of losing someone special in your life, and you have to live with the guilt that comes along with your action.
    you apologised, she rejected your apology. now don’t become a stalker in the bid to assuage your guilt.
    if it makes you feel better, write her one last email. tell her she was in no way responsible for leading you on to make an inappropriate move. tell her you were stupid and did something you should not have, tell her you regret it.
    tell her you value her friendship and that when she feels able to forgive you, would like to have her back in your life. then leave her alone.
    there will certainly be girls in your life who appreciate your emotional and physical attention. you’ve learnt the hard way that it is never the best thing to let parts of your body other than your brain think for you. there is no need for self-flagellation or to take on sainthood. move on.

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