Sharing an email, ‘Please do not immediately write it off and say “separation”, “legal action”… is there anything she can do BEFORE she can resort to that?’
And I hope Amir Khan discusses this social issue too.
I would like to claim I am a feminist and generally read all the posts with a lot of interest and passion. This post is about a very dear friend of mine and I would like to ask the readers for their advice as to what I should do to help her.
She has been married for the last 4 years and has a baby who is 1.5 yrs old. Hers was an arranged marriage, but she wholeheartedly consented to it. It was more like, her parents introduced the guy to her, they met, spoke and liked each other and then said yes. (Absolutely no forcing or anything). Her parents are very broad-minded people and love her (and her younger sister) to the core. They have ensured that they get a proper education and is able to stand on her own feet. She is a grad from **** and is super talented, independent and strong woman. She used to work but since her in laws didn’t want her to work (and definitely didn’t think highly of a **** grad -according to them, her choice of subject = not intelligent). Now, the decision to not work and abiding by her in laws was entirely her own but she told them categorically that she wanted to work once she had kids, for which they agreed.
She used to live with her in laws in another city, but they were extremely nasty to her. No – they were not the horror MILs which I read about so commonly on yours and GGTS blog, but they abused her emotionally. Always made her feel that she is not good enough, does not cook properly and used to mouth nasty stuff about her parents. Two years into the marriage, her husband got a job in the city her parents live and they both moved out of her in laws’ house and came to this city. She has had trouble looking after her son (he is more than a handful and has constant health problems) and had financial problems setting up her own house, so as an interim measure, they both decided to stay at her parents’ place.
I have met her husband, Mr WNV, a lot of times, we have gone out and have always felt that the guy I marry should be like him. Mr WNV was the super loving, romantic, funny and understanding guy I have met and I was so happy for my dear friend. She too loves her husband like crazy. Today she called me and what she said broke my heart. He has beat her. This was not an one off incident, this has happened 3-4 times in the past. All the other times, he has been this wonderful husband, but yes, he has beat her. I am horrified. Her mother is aware of this and told her “to adjust”. Her dad is not aware of it yet – coz I know for a fact that he will never say, “adjust”. He will not tolerate any kind of nonsense on his daughters and loves them to bits.
I do not know what I should do in this scenario. It is very easy for me to just say walk out, but I know it is far more complex than that. She does love her husband and has a little baby. Again, I do not want her parents to think that I am interfering into their family affair. Should I tell her dad? Should I ask her to talk to Mr Wonderful when not Violent (WNV) and tell him firmly this wont do and threaten him with legal action? She is no more the strong girl I knew- she has become a subdued woman with a BIG lacking of self – confidence. I realize that her in laws and her lack of financial independence has made her this way.
I am requesting you to tell me what i should do to help her. Please do not immediately write it off and say “separation”, “legal action”. Yes, if that is the last and only resort available. But, is there anything she can do BEFORE she can resort to that? I feel so helpless and realize all my fine talks of feminism are useless in this society where men like to think they own their wives and get away with domestic violence.
A concerned friend.
Open letter to all Phuddu married men – Amit
Closing that chapter – just as if nothing happened – Careless Chronicles
If she doesn’t seem to see your logic, would you support her the way she can be supported?