An email: So my chances of finding a groom through the arranged marriage system seem very-very bleak…

Sharing an email.

Indian parents seem to face constant ‘peer pressure’ to parent in they ways that their great grandparents’ and their neighbours did. This often makes it difficult for them to let their children make sensible choices. What would be your advice to A Woman with a Flaw? 

Dear IHM,

I have been reading your blog for some time now, though I have never left a comment. Your blog-posts encouraged me to write my story and I will be grateful if I can get your/ your readers’ opinion on the confusion I am going through…here goes my story:

 I am a 29-yr old single female, living with my parents. I work with an MNC in NCR. I have an elder sis, she is married, stays/settled in US – both she & my BIL work and I have a cute nephew who is 4 now.

I will talk about myself a bit; I will go point-by-point (& have tried to be chronological):

–          I have a rare congenital i.e., by birth syndrome (though its occurrence is random, overall it affects 0.03% of the population) which could have been a lot worse given what all people can have and they go through if they have this syndrome BUT for me it means the following – I have an eye disease for which I regularly use eye medicine(s), have to go for eye check-up once every quarter, have had quite a few eye surgeries till date though for the past 10 years or so my eye-condition has been stable and the check-ups have become more like a “ek baar aa kar dikhaa dena” routine. Though I am lucky I can use my eyes for pretty much everything, I work …I drive…..Even after having a pretty fucked-up eye-related incident (I almost lost vision of my right eye just 2 months before my board exams but I persisted and gave my exams that year & ended-up with a decent score and  admission in a good DU college) when I was in 12th. In a sense, I have been lucky… I could have fared a lot worse as I could have had developmental/ growth issues coz of this syndrome.

–          I have had a serious relationship with a guy about two years back, we worked in the same company then. We were in a relationship for close to two years, we had thought of getting married …and almost when the time came, he chickened out!! …. You may be wondering that he suddenly got to know about my eye problem but hell no, he knew about it from the beginning, I never hid anything from him, he knew all about what I went through when I was in 12th and my quarterly visits to the eye-specialist …and he was okay with it, we have had our discussions around it. I wanted to be sure that we both know what we are getting into. ……..But almost when we had decided to go further ahead in the relationship…..I don’t know what happened..??? He just couldn’t talk to his parents, he didn’t even say he will be (or, will not be) able to convince his parents…. we are from different communities too. All I know is he backed out, when I needed him……..I was broken and shattered ….but I guess life goes on, I just couldn’t bear to see his face everyday (we worked in the same team) and I left that company and found another job and Life went on. My family knows about it and we haven’t been in touch after that.

–          Last year, I went to US for a few months, I met a guy there (not Indian) ….we were on the same project, same company. He seemed to be a nice guy and we did talk a lot …almost on anything other than work. And one day it happened, we slept together (and a few times after that) ….there were no talks about a serious relationship either from his or my side….or anything like taking it forward etc. We knew it was casual and when our trip came to an end we both went our ways….no talks of will try to keep in touch or let’s meet again or anything.

I told my sister about this. She went hyper and was furious !!………I told her I am an adult and I know what I am doing. My parent don’t know & thank god for that.

–          I have loved investing. I always somehow had this feeling that I need to work to earn, I incur my own expenses & try to contribute in common household expenses too. I have this feeling that even if I get married some day or especially after I have kids (if I have any, that is) I will ever stop working…..I love the feeling of independence (& the associated perks) my job provides me, its like my identity…I think I will NEVER stop working at least not until I have saved enough for my post-retirement days.

–          I have my own car & I an investing in a house, which is taking a huge financial toll on me……I have taken a home loan for it & may also require a additional interest-free loan from my parents to fund my house (which they are ever willing to give🙂 ….I have told them I will repay them even if it takes me 20 years…..

–          One more thing, we are two sisters, no brother…but our parents brought us up I think in the most gender-neutral environment they could have…..no talks of if we had a son, (agar beta hota toh) and even no talks of tum mere liye kisi bete se kam nahi ho (you are no less than a son to me)…………we were respected & treated for who we are – Two Individuals……… & yes, I have tremendous respect for my parents; I don’t think I would have been able to achieve half of what I have, if they were not there.

After all this rambling, I will come to the issue…..as all parents, my parents would also like to see me settle down (aka see me married)….now the problem is I haven’t been able to find “The Elusive One” for me….atleast not till now………. and, if I go by the arranged marriage system (all the damn matrimony sites…) the talks don’t proceed any further coz of (you guessed it right!!) my Eye Problem, after all who would want such a DIL for their son ??…..So my chances of finding a groom through the arranged marriage system seems very-very bleak…..I am not against marriage but I do believe I will hold out for the right guy …..As much as I would want to get married, I don’t think I will get married to any random guy just for the heck of getting married

My mother has taken the societal pressure (of me not married, in a community where the right age for girls to get married is 24-25 and if you cross that well only god can help you…..) pretty well till now, till I recently turned 29 !!………………BUT now, she is going all hyper, she is almost ready to fix me up with any guy (her minimun criteria seems to be – the person should have XY chromosomes)…………..the other day, my mother almost uttered If you were a boy, you wouldn’t have faced all this, I don’t know what to believe but she does seem to have a very valid logic here, isn’t it how the Indian society functions ??

I have tried to reason out things with my otherwise logical mom…..but it seems to be a losing proposition these days…………as she sees my younger cousins being engulfed by matrimony one-by-one !! and my generally by-my-side dad also have started seeing ‘some’ streaks of logic in her argument of getting me married ASAP. Though, thankfully my dad understands my side of the story too…….but for how long, I am not sure?? My sister  supports me on this, if she had her will, I would have been in US staying with her and living life on my own terms….without any societal pressure.

I have thought of finding another job out of NCR and staying on my own but financially I can’t afford it right now L …unless I give up on my dream of having my own house.

It’s not like staying with parents has become a hell for me…..it sure has become a lot more difficult. I don’t understand how a simple topic about house can become a discussion-point about my matrimony……. E.g, ghar toh khareed rahi hai, gharwaala bhi toh hona chahiye ! I can only say, a few of my friends are still single so I am able to show them some examples that I am not the only one J……but then in the heat of the argument the comparison sets in, THEY are NORMAL, YOU are NOT.

What does the future hold for me ??……… I don’t know. Am I expecting too much out of a society which anyway considers that the only appropriate thing for a girl is to get married (And only then she will be considered happy & settled) but what if the girl is not perfect, has some “flaw” like me…..

Somebody, my parents went to with my rishta for their son, suggested, to my parents, “why don’t you get your daughter married to a divorcee/widower”. My parents felt insulted and were furious……………trust me, I have no problem in getting married to such a person if I like him, I will go ahead with the relationship…..but is it the only option left for me given my “flaw” because by this logic then I become a less-worthy person who should be happy with whatever she manages to get…….isse aur kaun shaadi karega-types (who will marry her anyway ??) , in a society which more often than not want their DILs to look like porcelain dolls…….

I have never been so confused, felt so helpless in my life before……Not even when I had almost lost my vision in my right eye just two months before my board exams or when I broke up with the only guy I ever loved with so much intensity, ….it was a trying time for my family but we stood together. Do I have a chance of getting married to a person of my choice or, my optimism is just a dream & all hogwash and the reality is very dark and very different, very different for a girl with a FLAW……..one like me.

From,

A Woman with a Flaw

Related post:

Physical Disability and Arranged Marriages.

Yes I am single so? – Nirjharani

Why marry? – Careless Chronicles

93 thoughts on “An email: So my chances of finding a groom through the arranged marriage system seem very-very bleak…

  1. Gosh What a difficult situation. Yes the mother is succumbing to peer pressure. I have always said marriage is not the only thing in life – its important but not the only goal. I guess the email writer has to weather this out, and not compromise. The sole criteria should be compatibility, not XY chromosome

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    • Yup, it has been difficult but it has only made me strong……I am as you mention weather(ing) it out though sometimes I do feel like running away from it all but I won’t !!

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  2. It’s strange but I can’t seem to see the flaw. maybe because it’s a flaw that only you see. I have met many people with such “flaws”. I have, not the same, but a similar “flaw”. you might find that if you stop thinking of it as a flaw, you life would change tremendously.

    I can totally understand the pressure angle you are talking about. And you feel like you want to make your parents happy and just get out of this uncomfortable situation. All I can say is that one really has to fight for true happiness. Happiness is never handed over to us on a platter. If you truly want to have a loving partner, then you should wait till you find the right person. You might even find the right person on a matrimonial site. You never know. The point is that you need to first believe that you are worth it. If you yourself do not believe that you will make a good partner, why would anyone want to be married to you? And if someone doesn’t want to be married to you because you have an eye problem, you really shouldn’t be married to such a person in the first place.

    It’s going to be a difficult ride but I think it will be worth the wait. It might be a good idea to move out of your house just to get away from the constant pressure and so that you can think straight. Am sure you can look for a cheap accommodation if you tried (shared housing is an option).

    Your marriage will hopefully be a life long commitment. You will be spending a huge chunk of your life with this person. You do not want to marry just anyone.

    And not marrying is also an option. In your entire mail you didn’t really talk about if you want to be married or not. Perhaps you need to think about that first. And if you do want to be married, then why do you want to be married? If “partnership” is your reason then you really need to wait till you find the right person.

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    • I know what you mean when you say ” I can’t seem to see the flaw “……… Even I did not till some time back BUT then the society/ the comments made me see the “flaw”

      I am in no tearing hurry and ready to wait & battle it out if required🙂 ….its just that sometimes the pressure is too much, especially when I see my parents answering about my status to all and sundry IDIOTS around (who don’t have any better work to do, of course)………….. Sometimes, I feel like telling all the well-meaning uncles and aunts to f***-off but then I guess my politeness (aka what will my parents feel) gets the better of me….

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    • I know what you mean when you say “I can’t seem to see the flaw”, trust me even I did not till some time back………….the society has made me see the flaw/ imperfection/ as somebody said to my parents “Ur daughter also has such a big negative quality” nd bla-bla. I generally tend to ignore all this crap, but sometimes it does start getting on to your nerves.

      Yes, not marrying is also an option but I would still like to spend my life with a nice, caring, compatible person……If he comes along well & good, if he doesn’t well I am better off single than married to an incompatible person.

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  3. Hugs to the letter writer. Can empathise with her, AND with her parents. Can understand very well what they, as a family must be going through.

    I have always felt, IHM, that we discuss back and forth so much about “what should be,” that we often lose sight of “what is” in our society. A society that sets so much store by archaic practices, traditions and laws. What we might want is utopian, but what is, is very much flawed. Woman-with-a-flaw, the problem is not with you, but with the mindset. Unfortunately, we have to work around with reality, and do the best we can, don’t we?

    My gut feeling says that you should not give in to pressure to marry ‘anyone with an XY chromosome’, as you put it, even if it is to make your parents feel better. You come across as a wonderful person, who knows what you are, and what you want. Please, please, listen to your inner voice, and wait for someone you really like, and who also likes you, who can see the real you, and not just the ‘flaw’ as you put it. Don’t make the mistake of giving in like so many of us do, and then regret it for the rest of your life.

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    • “Arranged marriage system is designed to suit the requirements of the society, not that of individuals.”

      Wow, I think that’s it really. That sentence articulates why I’m always slightly uncomfortable with arranged marriages. I think where it suits the individual is just luck.

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        • Well, I there’s always an element of luck to make any marriage work. And any marriage takes hard work.

          But I’m increasingly beginning to feel that finding the right partner through the arranged marriage system is sheer luck because the system is seeking to find the perfect match for itself (i.e. society, the clan, the family) and not so much for the individuals involved.

          I know you had an arranged marriage and are very happy. So maybe you can refute this. But maybe you were one of the lucky few?

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        • R’s Mom, since you are the last person I would want to upset on the internet, I have been thinking about this a bit.

          First, let me say that the way I met my husband left a lot to chance as well. Would I advise my children to go dancing, meet a stranger, have a whirlwind romance for a month and then decide to get married? No way! I am extremely lucky it worked out the way it did and my husband and I have turned out to be pretty suited to each other.

          Similarly, I feel that couples that come together through arranged marriages who manage to find a true partner that suits them through that system are indeed lucky. And the reason is related to what Arun mentioned in his post – when these marriages are being arranged, the focus is on the collective interest first, and the individuals last.

          If you look at the history of arranging marriages, both in the West and in India, it was primarily about forming mutually advantageous relationships between families or even provinces/nations in the princely or aristocratic class and ensuring heirs to inherit the property. Thus the material benefits to the larger community were paramount, and whether the two individuals were suited in temperament, personality etc. was hardly a concern. Arranged marriages today also bear a lot of this focus – in some, the material interests are very clear (two prominent business families coming together, for instance) but also by first and foremost checking the caste/community background, they preserve clan ties. The argument is that if people are from the same ‘background’ they will get on but in actual fact, personalities count much more than ‘background’ in determining whether two people will get on and personalities are only superficially addressed when arranging marriages because it is almost impossible to get a sense of a personality through such limited interactions.

          What I mean is – if I were to have had an arranged marriage, people would go out looking in the Goan Christian and probably ‘upper caste’ society. But the fact is I am probably more like to get on with a Muslim or Hindu from Bombay than a Christian from Goa. The one thing my husband and I have in common is our religion and funnily enough (and luckily) we both turned out to be not very religious.

          It’s quite hard to actually find someone compatible to live with for the rest of your life, and if from the outset the search is restricted to particular caste/community/religion/even educational qualification/fair skin etc. you will find yourself with a really small pool of truly compatible people in terms of personality. If you’re looking for a true partner, the better way is to go and see if you find someone who suits your personality and the only way to know that is to really get to know them.

          Whew. So that’s what I meant. And would love to hear what you think.

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        • @Bride: Firstly no you didnt hurt my feelings or anything rey…its just a new way of looking at arranged marriage..honestlly I know of a LOT of people who are happy in their arranged marriages..my parents being the best example…but again, I think the generation has changed and so has our outlook…

          But after reading what you said in the second comment, I understand why you are saying that arranged marriages are a matter of luck…but then again, I would say even love marriages working out are a matter of luck na…again its my personal feeling and I can be definitely wrong..what I was saying is that being in love with a person, meeting him/her and living with a person are completely different things..when you live with your spouse day in and day out, you realise there are loads of stuff you dont know about him/her….again, in that case, I would prefer a live-in relation, live together for a few years, see if you are compatible and then go ahead and get married if you want…my only thing with live-in relations is that dont have kids..unless you really want to continue the relation…you dont have to be married to have kids, but its better to have a proper relation (not emotionally draining) when you have kids….

          I have an arranged marriage Bride and its not that its perfect…I do have my share of fights and arguments with my husband…but then so do people who have love marriages right?

          I guess, when I am typing it and thinking it out, may be all marriages working out are matter of luck eh?

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    • Went through your blog and I can see the familiarity with the incident that you have written about…….. & you have summarized it well about the arranged marriage system🙂

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    • Arranged marriage is designed to suit narcissistic parents who facade their love for their own standing. It is the most selfish thing that a person can ever do to their children – live your own life & then engulf the child into doing the same. Only the strong break out of it and stay out, rest just waste their lives. Life can be so much better than this rubbish.

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      • “Majdhar mein nayya dole, toh majhi paar lagaye”,
        “Majhi joh nava duboye, to use kaun bachaye?”

        From a song in the movie “Amar Prem”. Unfortunately, many parents do not see the irony at all.

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        • haha even i had not noticed the irony..🙂 It is sad.. but the irony just was so funny.. i love the song but never really could relate with parents🙂

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  4. What is very disconcerting is that your parents are hinting that you are ‘incomplete’ in some way. It is VERY cruel to have such slips of the tongue when you are already aware of your condition. You DO NOT deserve that. I think you should gather your courage and tell them, firmly and in very clear terms, that you will not hear such hints from them again. It is very not done.

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    • I know…………Harsh comments from strangers can be ignored & rubbished but when it comes from your own folks it literally kills.

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  5. I don’t have any advice, but I want to offer encouragement and support. I read your story carefully. It is well-told, and a touching story. I don’t see a woman with a flaw in it. I see a beautiful intelligent, independent modern woman. A problem with your eyes is a detail, even being completely blind in no way makes a person “flawed”. It can give some practical challenges, but it does in absolutely no way detract from your possibility of being a wonderful partner and a loving wife.

    If a certain system of finding a partner makes it harder than it needs to be (it’s sometimes hard for everyone, regardless of which system is used!), then my conclusion is that it’s a flawed system – and *NOT* that you’re a flawed woman.

    You, like every human being, have the right to search for the person that will make you happy. I don’t know who that is, but I know who it is not: Anyone who thinks you’re not worthy of being loved unconditionally despite your eye-problem, is not the right person.

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  6. This is a difficult situation, but you should not feel pressurized to get married- and neither should your parents. Can you just talk to them about it- in a “get married when the person is right, not the time” kind of way. They seem understanding and caring- of course the “normal” comment seems cruel, but they also have to deal with people who can be very tactless. I would suggest having drama-free conversations with them, saying that arranged marriage is not a guarantee to happiness or even permanence and to let you be as you are. If anyone else asks, both you and them can tell them to mind their own business. It is not going to be easy- but marrying anything or anyone is probably the stupidest thing one can do.

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  7. I just found out a friend of mine is getting divorced. She’s barely 27. She and her whole family seem to have succumbed to peer pressure and proudly married her at the ‘right age’. For what?
    Another friend is about the same age as you and her parents are freaking out as well. Over the last 4 years she met so many lemons that she too sometime wonders whether this arranged marriage route is for her. But she tells me that when she feels low she remembers that she has a wonderful life she’s built for herself and till the right person comes along she’s happy just as she is and nothing anyone says will make her marry any XY chromosome that happens by.

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  8. I think because arranged marriages are always trying to find a perfect fit where everything is matchy-matchy (same caste and religions, same educational background, same family values, blah blah), it won’t work for you because it will try in its flawed way to match you with someone else with some so-called “flaw” (as you discovered divorceee etc.) and the whole experience will be humiliating… I notice that people take some pleasure in being the rejector.

    Going by your history, I think you are perfectly capable of finding someone yourself, if getting married is what you want, or even being independent. I would take your past relationships as encouragement – people out there have found you attractive. I don’t think either of the guys in your past didn’t work out because of the flaw… for the first guy, it sounds like you both might have been very young and many guys are just not ready for that commitment around 25 or so.

    As for your parents, although I understand it must be hard to constantly face the questions and because our parents generation knew only one way to be happy (i.e. get married and have kids) they want that for you, they need to grow a thick skin and stop acting like they are the protagonists in this story. It is your life they are talking about here and if they have to face snarky remarks because your life is panning out a little differently from the way Indian society would like it to, they need to bear them and grumble about channel their frustration at society and not at you.

    Making remarks about your eye condition is totally not on and I think you need to sit them down and have a firm conversation on how ridiculous and hurtful they are being and maybe even warn them that it makes you want to leave the house and take on the financial burden of rent over the home loan just because they are making you unhappy. That should snap them out of this martyred Indian parent mode because at the end of the day, I do think they love you, they are just caught up in the general Indian hysteria about unmarried women.

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    • I have tried explaining it to my parents that I might find somebody in future who has enuff balls and whom I would like to marry nd vice-versa (of course :P) but its not like its going to happen in a certain time-frame or that I can predict it……………they do understand my PoV for a few days and then its back to square-one especially with my mom !!

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  9. I empathise with you girl! the society can be more cruel than a pack of rabid dogs! I had a similar situation (broken heart and all that), only in my case, I am overweight – and i had the same shit being talked about me. I had to give into “mom” pressure and get married, but dont you make the same mistake! if you think life is miserable now (with all the pressure and what not); getting into a marriage, only because you cannot bear the emotional blackmail will be today’s misery times infinity. If you want to get married, do so, only because you WANT to, not because you HAVE to, or NEED to.choose your man carefully, so what if you are 29? what is important is not age, but compatibility. If anyone says anything, just tell them to eff off and mind their own business. Ask them why they are so concerned about your marriage – its not like you are dependent on them for anything, then why the concern? If your parents pressurize you, have a conversation with them (though conversing with an emotionally blackmailing mom (read crying mom) can be extremely frustrating) and tell them your PoV as well.
    They throw all this tantrum and do all this nautanki, because they cannot bear the barbs and comments of the society, so understand where they come from as well, your parents are very understanding and loving, so now is not the time to alienate them with any friction, instead you should try and become each other’s support. *hugs babe, take care, and all the best*

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  10. Girl, if its any consolation, am 33 and still single!!😉 Well,yes i did go through the whole drama of my parents trying to get me married off the “arrainged” way, but i put my foot down cos the guys were all such morons n spineless SOBs, plus i DINT get along with any beyond 5mins… which was the only criteria i had in mind back in my late 20s… i’ve had show downs with my folks, they assumed i was having an “affair” which is why i wasnt keen on getting married and bla bla bla… Anyways, i am not against marriage, but want to get married when am ready and to a person who is on my wavelenght or someone i get along with, and know i can spend the rest of my life with..

    Well, you are flawed you say, who is perfect? all you need is medicine, there are some so messed up, nothing can help cure them.. So, all i wanna say is “chin up girl, you’ve got so much going for you – work, life, friends, etc.. just go with it.. and every now and then do try talking to your mom/dad, get some sense or get them to see your POV”… all the best!!🙂

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  11. The writer has done fine till now and the only advice I can give is to hold on to her convictions and not get swayed by bickering, brickbats and rude comments.
    Further, this is for the writer of the letter to you IHM –
    If the right guy comes along ( arranged marriage route or love marriage ) go on, get married ..its worth the risk; but there is no guarantee if it will remain good since as an institution marriages are generally not working out these days, as brought out by KMKH. What you ought to ensure is that the guy YOU choose is responsible type and will be able to remain balanced in case of further problem with your eyes.
    What is stopping you from joining your sister in the USA, I wonder….that would be an ideal solution that would suit all, and I am sure you would get a good job there since you seem to be a natural survivor by instinct.

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    • The reason I haven’t gone to Us for long-term is my financial committments here………….I don’t want to burden my parents with any formalities that might come up in future related to the house that I am investing in.

      The other reason is that as my sis is already settled in US I feel like its kind-of my responsibility to take care of my parents……….I know, its NOT something that we have ever talked about, its NOT something that they expect me to do either but I have this “sense” that I would want to be around my parents, to take care of them……………….I don’t know how valid/ unvalid my argument is but settling in US (on a permanent’/ long-term basis) is not something I would want to do.

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      • @Email Writer,
        If you are 29 that means your parents are either in their late fifties or early sixties that is not old. Gone are the days when people rarely lived beyond late forties if anyone survived into 50-60 was considered old. Stop treating them as old folks. They are capable of taking care of themselves.
        Pay attention to your life and priorities so that you can have time, resources and energy to be with them when they actually need you. Also start talking to your sister about old age care and support of your parents.
        Peace,
        Desi Girl

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  12. The great business of Arranged marriage.! Can make a person seem this worthless.! Omg.! How pathetic.! I felt nerve wrecked after reading this.! Societal pressure, parental pressure and xyz.! Is the life of an adult their own or the society’s in this great culturally blinded nation.? And when will parents stop being blackmailers.? Exaggerated ones.!

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  13. Dear Woman with a flaw.

    I read your detailed posting with interest and sympathy.
    Hang on!

    Your problem is in some ways like DM’s problem described in the related blog post that IHM has quoted (Physical Disability and Arranged Marriages).

    First:

    Assuming that you want to get married, I hope and pray you will find a suitable life partner.

    But as IHM has so often stressed, this “getting married and staying married” obsession is now outdated in today’s world. So even if you don’t get married, but are otherwise happy, financially secure, and healthy, nothing is lost. Don’t treat ending up unmarried as a colossal tragedy.

    But if you actually want to be married, I feel that your chances of getting a good partner are slim if you rely on Marriage web portals.

    Inspite of these initial set backs in your experiences with matrimonial portals, there is a possibility that after some time, some one will ultimately respond and express interest.

    If you have clearly declared your disability, I will be surprised if a boy who does not have any disability or health problem will express interest in you. To be able to get a boy who is otherwise suitable and does not have any disability, he must be convinced that your other merits far outweigh your disability. The boy must have known you for some time so that he can realise this fact and such boys are not to be found in marriage portals but in real life in the society and environment around you.

    If you rely on marriage portals, it is possible that the boy who ultimately responds with expression of interest will have some disability of his own or some family problem or secret to hide and may not be honest about it.

    If you want to marry for love then you can’t find love on such portals and it is futile to search for it. You can only find a possible candidate for future love.

    For now, you need to be thick skinned, be prepared for a large number of rejections and wait patiently for Mr Right to come along. Do not compromise on what you want in a husband even if it involves the risk of never getting married at all.

    If your husband not having any physical disability is one of your conditions, in spite of your disability, then your search and wait will be obviously longer. But if you can accept a boy, with a disability that does not compound your own disability, and is otherwise eminently suitable, you could consider this a practical and safe compromise after you first take time to know one another.

    I believe it is possible for each partner to make up for the other’s disability so that together they can live happily, helping each other to live a normal life.

    Another thought strikes me.

    Disability can be thought of differently. Some girls may consider a person shorter than her as equivalent to being disabled. Some girls just can’t accept baldness in a man. That too qualifies as a kind of disability. Some girls may find his dark complexion a disability too. But many girls, have married boys with one of these “disabilities” if they were otherwise very suitable.

    Bottom line:

    Be plain and honest about your “disability” and dont get married to someone unless you like the person and have known him. Don’t yield to pressure from parents and marry in a hurry the first person who accepts your disability without checking him out carefully. Getting married and staying married is no longer necessary these days. There is life beyond marriage and family too.

    Also these days, no age is too late to get married. If children are a must and if one has crossed the reproductive age, then there are alternatives like adoption, or IVT, surrogacy etc.

    I wish you well and hope you will soon find a life partner.
    Regards
    GV

    Like

    • Thanks a lot GVji for your excellent, practical advice !!🙂 Highly appreciate.

      My parents are facing the exact situation in the way you have described here. So apt !!

      Like

  14. See you might have a flaw according to you but it is high time you have to believe that you are a really special gal. Start loving yourself and don’t judge yourself comparing to others. You just be happy and follow what your heart says. Take up some hobbies, keep yourself busy. Keep away from the feelings that make you feel confused or miserable. Don’t give room for it. Remember that anything that doesn’t harm you makes you strong.

    There is a time in your life when everyone want you to be something else than what you are (read to be married) and no one thinks about what you particularly want or whether you are happy or not. Indian society has only two happiness for a woman- marriage and kids. Sky-diving, adventures, shopping, freedom and all are just entertainment. I hope you got what I meant. This is the time when you should stop making others happy(like how every parents train their daughter) and start living for yourself.

    Now instead of you being an unmarried late 20’s gal, if you were married and wanted to work for few more years(before having a kid), people including your parents and parents in law would be urging you to have a child even if your career has taken a turning point. Same comes with second kid if you had one kid (especially if you had only a daughter). Then they will comment if you are too thin, too fat, your kids are too thin, too fat, not beautiful, etc etc and your parents will get pressurized just like now and will irritate you. They will comment if you opt to quit job. They will also comment if you continue your job after kids. Precisely, kuch toh log kahenge, logon ka kaam hai kehna.

    I am not saying your parents don’t love you. But their social pressure ties their hands.

    I won’t say I wish you get married soon. I will just wish you attain the happiness you are craving for.

    About wedding, don’t worry. Aishwarya Rai married at 35.🙂

    Keep smiling gal. The link below might help you a bit.

    http://smilingpritz.blogspot.in/2010/05/some-lessons-i-learnt.html

    Like

  15. First of all, you don’t have any flaw, you just have a health issue – something that each of us has at some point of life. Still, your health issue does not make you stop working or living normally – hence it is irrelevant in terms of your abilities to function as any other person.

    Your mother goes through “30 panic”. Unfortunately, many Indian parents believe that 30 years old is a borderline between marriageable and non-marriageable. Since you are 29, people around you are going crazy. This will not change, and what’s worse, panic of anyone will not bring you a suitable life partner.

    You don’t seem to fit into the concept of arranged marriage, but not because of your health problem, but because of your personality. You will do much better off being with someone when the right time comes.

    Why don’t you try to move to the US if you have an opportunity to do so? It might be a relief for you to stay in a place where 29 year old woman is not an exception – but rather a normal occurrence.

    Like

    • I hope they could…..Imagine, I have to force my parents to go on a vacation (which doesn’t include me) !! I go on trips with my friends but almost all my parents plan involve me, even when I don’t want to be a part of it😛

      Like

  16. I loved reading your email because I feel as if I can get a good sense of your personality. You are independent thinking, have had the luck of your parents supporting you, and you have had the experience of loving, loving and leaving, and freedom. The sweet freedom to invest in yourself and your choices.

    Please do not blow all of that now because of the fears of your society. More than anything, I feel Indian society needs women like you who are strong enough to be the person they were born to be. The society does not need another woman to bend, “adjust,” or change who they are because of FEAR.

    You sound like an amazing woman who is deserving and worthy of a partner that appreciates all that you have to offer. If you fell in love once before with someone of your choosing, who is to say it can’t happen again? Now, it may not happen on the timetable that everyone else has for you, but who’s life should you be living anyway? Yours, or the society? I think you know the answer.

    I agree with EM, you don’t have a flaw, you have a health issue. It sounds to me as if this health challenge has been character shaping, and that you have become stronger for it. I have no doubt that you can find a man who loves you “perceived flaws” and all.

    My central advice to you: Don’t give up on what you really want.

    The US is nice, but India needs you more. I would love to see you live your life in India the way you really want to. You never know who you might be inspiring. That is how change occurs. One person, one step at a time.

    Like

  17. Dear Email writer,
    It is unfortunate that you have to face this in spite of achieving so many other things in your life. I can understand your situation because I too have a brilliant & beautiful cousin who struggled similarly because of her hearing impairment. Eventually, she met & married a wonderful guy who had struggled with his own kind of physical impairment. They understood each others struggles instantly and clicked very well.

    Parents will be parents, yes, as they get older they need that assurance that their children are ‘settled’ as in someone else is there for them once they are gone. It is hard to change their thinking.

    If you really feel the need to get married, instead of going through the usual arranged marriage route, create a matrimonial profile and look on your own. There are quite a few guys out there who are looking for just compatible partners, your eye problem probably will seem too trivial to them.

    If I were you, I would get out and take a job abroad. Your dream of building a house is a lot more achievable too when you earn in a foreign currency. You probably can even go the dating route, and find someone who is accepting & compatible.

    It is not you who had a ‘flaw’, it is those who see nothing but that who have the real flaw.
    Good luck with everything you do in your life.

    Like

  18. Do I have a chance of getting married to a person of my choice or, my optimism is just a dream & all hogwash and the reality is very dark and very different, very different for a girl with a FLAW……..one like me.

    Dear letter writer. I want to say this gently, yet can’t find any other way to put it. Your chances of finding a person of your choice through the arranged marriage system is pretty close to zero. Your “flaw” (and I hate to use this word) in the arranged marriage system is great indeed. I went through this process 20+ yrs ago. I don’t know what your community is, but mine is a North Indian UP/Punjabi mix. I have yet to meet people who are more calculating, materialistic and outright racist in my life, and I don’t say this lightly. I have been wearing glasses since a very young age and that was one of the biggest hurdles. The first question always asked from my dad was “does she wear glasses?”, The rest of the questions went something like “Is she fair? Is she beautiful? Is she extremely beautiful? Can she cook? The list of requirements were endless, but mental compatibility was never on that list. A lot of them wanted to know if my job was permanent (that was the time when a permanent job was a big deal). They would come to our house (a modest flat in Delhi) and my parents and I could see the mental wheels churning trying to calculate my families’ financial worth. Many Indian women with educated sons believe they have won the lottery and let everyone know that their son is God;s gift to the world. I emerged from the process with a life long hatred of the system and Indian mama’s boys and their parents. I would never subject my daughter to an arranged marriage.
    My advice to you is to do what your sister says, go abroad, be free, date as many men as you want till you find the one you like, or till you decide marriage is not for you. Either way make the choice on your own terms. Don’t go through the system. Don’t expose yourself to the ugliest face of humanity. Good luck!

    Like

    • Oh PK, but where would India be without mama’s boys/ ma ka laadlas?

      I still remember a man who’d come to “see” me.

      I must have frightened him for some reason, because he held his mother’s hand and insisted on sitting besides her at the dining table.

      My family still laughs about that afternoon!

      Like

    • I gave up those efforts ages ago.! If you’ve a mind of your own and a thought process that is independent, you will never ever get such a guy.! I’ve left things to destiny and perhaps not too keen now.! To hunt like a moron for such a guy.! Duskiness, over education and more so a strong head got me no guys.! I have shown the white flag to this system.! Can;t fight to loose.!

      Like

  19. You sound so awesome🙂 in the email and the comments! I don’t think with your stellar personality coming through here… that the so called ‘flaw’ has too much of a role in the circumstances, because it has generally become harder to find someone suitable on marriage portals. I should tell you that many people (both boys and girls) I know have been looking for partners on these portals without success for more than 4 years and they are older than you.
    I don’t need to tell you to not give in to the pressure, it is clear you won’t. But it might be a good idea to look for a job away from the family home for a change of place and escape from daily nagging/pestering. If you only see them once/twice a year , it becomes much easier on the nerves.

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    • Hey, thanks🙂 Yes I am awesomeness personified myself…….hehehe, No just joking !!

      I know a couple of my friends too who are if I can say “Normal” in every sense have been groom-hunting/ bride-hunting thmselves via these matrimonial sites but nothing seem to have materialized for them either…

      Yup, I won’t give in to pressure for sure but at the same time looking for a seperate place to stay though is a good idea but won’t work for me as of now……

      At the cost of sounding selfish, I do want to own a home of my own in which I am investing so dearly…………….maybe one day I will have to weigh what is more imp. – a house of my own or my mental peace !!

      Like

  20. Dear Email writer,
    I admire your courage and rational thinking abilities. It is HARD to withstand pressure, esp. when living in the midst of it. I would say, time for a heart-to-heart with your parents, to get them to see that the change in them is unwelcome to you, and makes you feel belittled by the people you should count on the most. If this isn’t helpful, then move. Yes, the dream of owning your house may need to be deferred, if finances are an issue, but mental health is more important.

    Like

    • Heart-to-heart with parents has sometimes turned into a “who can scream more loudly” kind of a situation in my house………… and it doesn’t really help when both me & my parents are fire-signs😛

      Yup, I need to sort out my own house vs mental health situation soon

      Like

  21. 1. You have a eye problem , it’s not a flaw – Now if you are a compulsive liar or a thief I’d say you have a flaw. it’s just a health issue – say like Asthma ( i’ve never heard of it described as a flaw)🙂
    2. You are smart, educated and have a purpose inlife – live it, many people don’t you are indeed blessed.
    2. Marriage is not a must, at the same time it is a wonderful thing that i FEEL everyone must experience at least once.
    marriage is more than a partnership, it’s a bond that makes you a better happier person – IF you find that right person.
    3. Your parents raised you well and part of that raising process is their desire to see you happy , this pressure they feel is temporary ,if they truly raised you as a individual they’ll see that soon.
    5. Don’t toss away arranged marriage altogether, it’s like a blind date, you rperfect mate is not going to fall in your lap, you need to active seek him, and this is but another way to do that. so meet these people and see if you click.

    Finally do what makes you happy – compromises NEVER help inthe long run. It may keep peace but NEVER give peace but
    and please do not fall into the trap of calling you rmedical condition anything but a medical issue. would you not marry someone with diabetes, BP, etc?

    we are human beings and our body will have numerous issues yours just showed up sooner🙂 I have anaemia – always have, always did, and and my BP drops when i’m dehydrated i faint – spectacularly , once after tennis with my then not-yet husband who freaked and decided to get married right away so he could keep an eagle eye on me ?????? it’s not a flaw.

    Both my boys have have the same allergy and asthma ,quite severly at that, if their future spouse’s parents dare hint to me that my boys are flawed they can safely assume that anything they eat at my house is poisoned🙂

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  22. Honestly all this talk about not marrying someone with a ‘flaw’ sounds so ridiculous to me. It’s as if the arranged marriage system is out to preserve some sort of perfect gene pool that will produce perfect offspring. It just sounds so racist and in a way, almost Nazi like. (huge exaggeration, I know) They believed in racial purity so much that the ones who they thought were unfit were completely eliminated. With the same mentality, many Indians disregard the people ‘unfit’ in their eyes to continue with the family line. Sure, if you have a hereditary birth defect like thalassemia (sp?) or something then maybe it’s best not to have kids (but you can still have a marriage!) because they will suffer, but if it’s not going to be passed on to the children then what’s the problem?

    Seriously the Indian gene pool is ‘flawed’ as it is with our sky high incidence of diabetes and heart disease. What exactly do these arranged marriage champions hope to achieve by looking for the perfect bride? If they are only looking at skin color and physical perfection then it’s so pathetic. Ever heard of love and companionship?

    Email writer, you are not alone. Once I had a serious accident (I am all right now), and a doctor told me, we have to get you back to perfect health because ‘You have to be eligible for marriage’. I looked him in the face and said, yeah well ‘IF I get married then I’ll think about that’. He just responded with a condescending smile. Even now when I recall this incident, I have a WTF moment because the whole logic was so ridiculous. Why would I want to marry anyone who’s just looking at the outer shell anyway? I don’t want a lifelong ticket to unhappiness.

    I have no hope in the arranged marriage system, and other commenters have already pointed out the many flaws of it, so I won’t reiterate them. Don’t ever give up, just follow your instinct. It already knows what you want. It’s almost as if society is trying to break your spirit and make you do what you never wanted to do. You stay in this environment long enough, you will probably start believing the same things. Best thing would be to move away and build your own life. You sounds strong enough to do it, which is not a quality that everyone has. Good luck to you!!🙂

    Like

  23. I can understand the pressure that you’re talking about. The constant pressure to find a man and settle down takes a toll on one’s otherwise happy life. Your parents no matter how much they love you, are only human and have begun to succumb to the sometimes real and sometimes imagined social pressure to get their daughter married off. This societal pressure to tie the knot has done more harm than good to people. It is very important to for you talk to your parents. Have an honest conversation with them. If your parents think that marriage is a right of passage and you don’t become an adult or a woman until you get married, it is essential that you tell them that marriage doesn’t complete you and if they think you need to be half of a couple to be all of who you are, they are engaging in wrong thinking. State firmly to them that being single does not make you any less of a human being than married women.

    Marriages succeed when there is a strong foundation of companionship built by the couple. A strong foundation for marriage includes compatibility, trust, and communication. You should never feel obligated or succumb to pressure to marry someone. Marrying someone to please others is not a good idea. Giving in to pressure from family, friends, society will only cause you unhappiness. Take your time. Be more social and take a proactive approach to dating. Before you marry be sure that you found someone you truly see as a companion. Meanwhile,
    you should take better care of yourself, rediscover yourself, start new hobbies, sharpen job skills, explore something new- in short, use this time to be a better, more interesting and capable you!

    You come across as such a wonderful person. Your disability doesn’t strip you of your humanity. You are a person with your own identity and social experiences. Please don’t see your impairment as tragic. You’re as flawed as the medically able bodied person sitting next to you on a bus ride. Believe in yourself. Be strong and learn to wade off any marriage remainder thrown at you by others with a joke.

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  24. Situation is difficult indeed.

    I am sure you will get a guy of your choice & will live happily ever after.

    till then just don’t loose yourself please.

    Like

    • I know situation is difficult………BUT well, I don’t believe in “happily ever after”. AND No I will never loose myself🙂

      Like

        • I think it depends on what one means. I don’t believe any relationship is ever *purely* positive and happy with zero problems, zero disagreements and no bad days.

          But I do think that -many- relationships are happy in the sense that on the balance they’re much more positive than negative. That you’re happy and supportive and loving much more often than you argue or accuse.

          Just like friendships really; all good friends argue *sometimes*, that doesn’t mean the friendship isn’t still good though.

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        • Its good that you are quite balanced and optimistic but

          even in science we start any theorems with assumptions of perfections,

          all i want to say is, its not a bad idea to go for a perfect getaway.. and ofcourse nothing is perfect with imperfections.

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  25. One of my friends lost her dad suddenly to an accident and her mom went into a depression. Her life changed in a flash. They had to face financial difficulties etc. When her family started looking for a match for her she had few criterion. The foremost was loaded,educated and decent guy.
    She got married to a guy just like that. He is one of the most dotting husband, father and loving husband I have seen and is rich too. The only thing is when one sees him for the very first time, their jaw hit the floor. He has medical condition, extreme strabismus and has pitted scars all over face. Is he ugly in conventional way? Hell yes. but I can say my friend is very happy with him.
    every person has a flaw. some more evident than other. I feel that you can approach guys with or without some physical flaws through dating/ matrimonial sites. I feel now a days even in arrange marriages through matrimonial sites etc, nobody wants to jump onto matrimonial alter as soon as one meets other person. Just draw your threshold of physical/ social “flaw” and stick to it.
    I hope things work out for you. be blessed.

    Like

  26. Dear Woman With a Flaw,
    Our stories seem so similar….except my flaw seems to be that I am an independent girl who lives on her own (in the US) and loves what she does. I am 30 years old, have been living on my own and working in the US for the last 6.5 years, and about two years ago bought a house here. We (my parents and I) have been looking for a suitable partner for me through the arranged marriage route for the last 4 years or so with no luck whatsoever. I am where you may be next year when you turn 30 .
    My parents too have been very supportive and reasonable through this process so far and have discussed what I am looking for (the basics): Well educated guy (though I don’t care what he’s studied), studied in the US like me (in the hope that we will have some common experiences we can connect on), living in the US (because I don’t want to move back yet and in the hope that he is open minded), and my parents are looking for someone from our community (though I don’t care much about that). But looks like none of these pre-reqs matter when it comes to how open-minded a person is and having any common principles/thoughts. Most guys seem to want someone who is independent and working, but she needs to be only as independent as he and his family would be able to tolerate..someone who is willing to relocate to where he is. It’s a big no-no, if I mention I own a house or how much I love my job..because somehow all these are mutually exclusive with how “family-oriented” I am.
    I also had a serious relationship about 6 years ago. We had been together for over 4 years. We both were very serious and wanted to get married. But he was Christian and I Hindu. That was my first shock..my entire “progressive” family rejected the idea of me marrying him. Their thought was that I was young and did not know the problems we would face personally and societally..how difficult it would be for us to adjust to each other..raise children in a two-religion household etc. His family said they would disown him. We were both under tremendous pressure..I love my parents dearly and did not want to break their heart. He was ready to go against his family but it wasn’t something I wanted him to do for me. Our idea of happiness wasn’t something that is derived from or hinged on one person. It is one’s entire life..spouse, family, friends, career, etc. We were both very rational about the situation and thought, well there are several soul mates for each person, and we will sure find another one at some point and decided to call it off. Now at 30..I am not so sure..
    The kind of guys I am meeting and talking to..its disheartening. Years of higher education and living abroad has done nothing to them. Here I will say that all my parents are doing is talking to the parents of the guy and after that point it is between me and the guy. I have talked to several guys and gone out with some. But nothing has worked out so far..sometimes the guys scare me with their regressive talk and I guess I scare the guys sometimes with my “too progressive” nature. I am not going to fake the demure act..I am not a little girl lost in the woods. I have been living on my own, have done everything myself, doing very well in my career, and have been financially independent for a while. Then how can I not be confident? Do all my achievements make me likely to love my family less or be capable of loving my future family (spouse, in-laws, and future children) any less? Why do I have to always justify this? Why does our society think one precludes the other?
    But all this said..I am not willing to give in to just someone who is “OK” and get married..I don’t mind being single forever if need be. My life is not standing still for this one event to happen..I am living my life and am happy in it. Even though I would like to get married, it will only be when the right person comes along. There is a lot of pressure in the US too..living here is not going to make it all go away (though it may not be as much as in India). Indians living here are sometimes more “regressive” in their thoughts than those in India itself. Most are stuck in an India of the past – one which they left behind years ago.
    I know this was a looong comment where I am telling you my story..but I did that in part to let you know you’re not alone and in part to vent. What you have is not a flaw and you don’t want to be with someone who thinks it’s a flaw either. Hold your ground; it will only get worse when you hit 30. But don’t let it defeat you. Society in any country judges you; it’s just for different things. In India it is maybe because you are not married yet at 29, in the US it may be because you don’t actively date or publicize your love life. At the end of the day you can only live your life like you want to. Its not easy for sure, but it’s all worth it if you are happy where you are.
    I wish you all the luck in your life!
    PS: IHM –> I have followed your blog religiously for the last year or so when I stumbled upon it by chance. I love your blog and admire what you stand for!

    Like

    • Makes me applaud for you @ My punching bag.! Isn’t the life of a woman too precious and too beautiful to be mutated to fit in the criteria of what the society expects of us.! And your talks reminded me of how I put my foot forward to pursue my career over marriage a few years ago, but yes for me still some time before I reach that 30 mark.! Three cheers.! 🙂🙂🙂

      Like

    • Yes, I can relate to soo many things that you have mentioned here………Not talking about all but a majority of Indian guys are still stuck in mediveal ages as far as their choice of spouse – “what qualities my future wife should possess” goes…..

      Like

      • Yeah that’s the sad part. But like you said, this is the majority but there are exceptions. The hope is that there are guys around who are secure enough to not be threatened by an “independent” spouse, and who are mature enough to know “independence” and love for the family are not mutually exclusive qualities in a future wife.

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    • Wow, what a story! I’m sad that you and your previous guy couldn’t work out your family issues. I think it’s crazy when people harp on and on about how hard something will be (raising kids in an inter-faith family) when they have no experience with it, and when ironically, they are the ones who will probably make it hard. You sound like a lovely person. I hope you find another love that works for you! Or that your parents come around to realize that your happiness in life is just as important as the religion you were raised in.

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  27. It is amazing what the society sees as a “flaw”. It angers me. A physical disability, however small or big is a flaw. But, a mentality of accepting the other person as an equal individual is not a flaw. Or the guy thinking himself superior than the girl is not a flaw! How weird and sad is this!
    I think the letter writer and her parents are amazing people. I know such neutral upbringing should be the ‘default’, but is a skewed society as ours, it does take efforts to bring up children in such an amazing way.
    I totally understand how frustrating the whole arranged marriage thing is. My parents are separated(many years back) and somehow that is considered a ‘flaw’ in my sister for whom we are doing the groom hunting. Even my mom brought us up in a very neutral way and she still tells us that marriage is not the end of it and there is a life outside it! but then there are times she does get hyper because of the peer pressure. But then, she recovers from it in a little while🙂
    So I would suggest just talking to your mom and telling her to relax, also telling her you are happy with the life you have! I am sure this is just a panic attack for her and that she will come around. Just keep the conversation open with her.
    In fact, your eye issue is a good litmus test to find a guy who is broad minded and values you for who you are. If he cannot be ok with this now, what guarantee he will be ok with any problem that happens (god forbid) once you are married?!
    Sending lots of positive vibes to you!

    Like

    • Well, I have tried to explain my PoV to my mom……..nd she doesn’t understand it, in what ways I can explain it to her, I guess only God knows better !!🙂

      I think she will only be fine once I cross 30 (and still single) coz by then I would have automatically entered the “non-marrigeable” age

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  28. @ E mail writer, Please do not think that way.! There is nothing called “marriageable” or non marriageable age.! These absurdities are built in by the society.! It’s s choice you make some time, some day.! If you’re keen on finding a lovely soul mate for yourself, seek the help of your friends to find you such a guy or the dating sites or matrimonial sites.! But that is only if you need companionship and not because your parents are forcing you.! As for the “disability” you spoke of.! Please do not consider it a disability.! We all have health issues, each one of us.! If the same existed for a guy no one might have judged him.! Why not consider an extensive research on the options you can explore as far as loving, broad minded, independent guys go.! And while you speak to them or ever meet them, please do not talk of your health issue as a disability.! Be confident and keep your chin up.! The other options maybe staying away which you do not want to.!

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  29. Dear ‘Woman with a flaw’,

    I am a 31 year old guy who got married 2 yrs back. mine was a sorta arranged marriege except that we met several times before agreeing( i am in pune and she was in bombay). I developed TB all of a sudden, about 2 months before marriage. I asked her whether she would still marry me. she said that it’s not my fault and it could happen to anyone.

    This reinforces an old saying “there is no right time to get married, only the right person to get married to..

    I wonder what you would have done had the situation been the other way round???

    Though it’s none of your fault, prospective grooms would find it difficult to convince their families, even if they get convinced.

    Why don’t you just chill out with your job and go to US or something, as you were mentioning? There are so many girls who were born dark, ugly, fat, blind etc and don’t have anyone to support them? You are lucky to have got such a supportive family and a great education…..

    Who knows, your dream match might be round the corner, so stop fretting and keep enjoying life.

    Adios.
    Anirban

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  30. Hi Email writer
    I can very well understand your situation, since even I have co-incidently a eye “flaw”, a flaw that is visible to everyone around me. Thankfully I found a “Mr Right” at “right” time and “settled”. Lucky me(Touchwood!! ) and thanks to “Mr Right”, since he did not think it was a flaw, You have every right to live a life that you love to live, so don’t compromise. I am sure you will find happiness in life, after all, if you don’t go by pressure🙂 Good luck to you

    A lady with a flaw!!

    Like

  31. Dear woman with a flaw,

    I guess I am pretty late in replying to this one but couldnt resist. First of all kudos for letting something like that out onto the world wide web. It takes humongous effort to come clean in front of an audience that doesnt have a face. Secondly, please stop insulting yourself that you are flawed. You have a medical condition, that is being treated and from what I read seems to be under control. Now I am not sure how easy it is to spot visually but if you have4 told your ex about it and you had a relationship in spite of it, I think calling it a flaw is not accurate.

    Coming to the marriage issue. I am all of 29 and still single, most of my friends circle is married or are on the verge of tying the knot. I am still fighting against the pressure from very persistent aunts and random relatives and have been pretty successful. Which brings us to the interesting part, I have a flaw too (same pinch :D). I had an accident 3 years ago and while I somehow survived with minor scratches after months of treatment, I have lost my voice. As an MBA who worked in Client Engagement, that hurts. The fact that my voice and my words were my biggest strength made me consider dire acts. Now, thanks to some amazing vocal therapists my voice is better. I sound like a grand old man straight out of a gangster movie.

    This has not stopped my mother from hoping that I will lead a normal life (as the society calls it) of marriage and a house and kids etc etc. The pressure has if anything become stronger with the grandma declaring that it is her last and final wish to see me (the eldest of her grandchildren , incidentally also male) married.

    My life has turned topsy turvy and I let the one woman who loved me go because I felt I was not worthy of her love, I switched jobs and now work in construction ( a far cry from IT ), I moved from Bangalore, the one city I love and now reside in the GCC. The women I have dated were all amazing but things happened and I am still single. The thing is in spite of all that I have not given up on the hope that it will all work out in the end. I was never keen on marriage, but I love kids and hope to some day have my own.

    In parting let me just say, please dont become scape goat to what the society wants you to be, most of them are just amazed that you stood your ground. Others are driven by tradition that no longer holds any reason. Stop considering yourself flawed and go live your life. Get that house, get that retirement nest egg you are planning. The rest are all just distractions, created to make life bearable for those who have no direction.

    Cheers

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  32. Dear Email Writer, I think you have received fantastic advice and support from most other commentors here. I would only add that it seems as though marriage and companionship is important to you – and there is nothing wrong in that. Why not look for alternate avenues to meet men rather than just through an arranged marriage route? I know these are fewer in our cities but they are not non-existent. Maybe get your friends to actively look out for interesting and good men that they can set you up with on a date?

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  33. I can relate to the societal pressure which your parents are feeling but no, you have every right to wait for the right guy and frankly, life has given you that chance on its own otherwise you would have been loong back settled with the guy who had chickened out!!!! hope that I am not touching a raw nerve but I think it was for the best!!! I know saying is easy than going through….been there and done that…I would say enjoy every moment and let life come to you in its own time🙂 don’t feel bothered by anyone….yes, I know how difficult it is with parents but then they are the ones we always rely back on and they are not really wrong in their position but yes, the normal and abnormal aspect is definitely wrong!!!

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  34. Pingback: Are these the eight reasons you would give in support of Arranged Marriages? | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  35. I can totally totally relate to what you are saying with one major and couple of minor differences. My story is as follows:
    1. If you carbon date me, I’ll come out maybe 2 years senior to you😉 (but still single)
    2. My problem is more visible, in the sense that I limp while walking. So what if I own a house, a car, drive it myself and have been living independently (staying away from parents because of my job location) and big deal if I get a decently fat paycheck back home and am well educated.
    3. I too ended up liking someone in my team. He also chickened out at a time when we really needed to be together and give it our best shot @ his place. His parents foresaw some problems if their son married me. What problems – nobody knows. But their obedient son of course understood all and decided to dump me. Yes, I too quit my job and found myself a new one (because of which I had to move locations and stay away from home). Hardly six months after that, he started dating someone else. He is married now. Happily or not I don’t care. I have been through my share of distress, depression, heartache. Now I don’t care a damn about him or anyone remotely connected to him.
    4. Arranged marriage, yeah even I am not a porcelain doll most in-laws and guys want to see in their home.
    5. The one major support system in my lie is – my family. My parents are with me in all I do, weather or not I get married or end up remaining single. They understand that I cannot marry just “anyone” because I am not pixel perfect. Much as they want to see me settled, like any other parents would, mine also understand that when they and I never compromised for anything in my life till now – be it the school I went to or the college I graduated from or the location of my current job, then why should I be made to compromise for a life-partner. A person with whom my association will (hopefully) be life long. Such relationships cannot be born out of compromise. They now understand that I am single by choice, not by force or chance. This gives me a lot of strength and the confidence that I am much better off being single than being married to the wrong guy. There are times when the emotions of parents see a low and they feel distressed that I am still single but then those are times when I remind them and demonstrate to them how happy I am even without a partner. This gives them confidence to bounce back.
    I totally understand the social pressure your parents are in, but I guess you need to instill the confidence in them that you are happy, capable of leading your life with a so called “support of husband”. You got to make them believe in my favorite, self-made saying – “I am single by choice, not by chance”🙂
    Go girl.

    Like

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