An email: “Through your blog I want to understand if I have taken the right decision and see what’s the next course of action.”

This email is about a new beginning on Gudi Padwa, but there are apprehensions, “Through your blog I want to understand if I have taken the right decision and see what’s the next course of action.”

Dear IHM,

I have been a silent spectator of you blog and thoroughly enjoy it . At times it has consoled me, guided me and helped me in analyzing my situation. I am writing this mail to you after many months of thinking .

Please post it in your blog and help me.This is going to be a loong mail. Please read it patiently and guide me.

I am 29, done my Masters and working in a software company. We are 2 daughters and me the elder one. I belong to a very middle class family with working dad and homemaker mom. They have struggled to get us to this position and we owe every bit of our success to my parents . They have brought us up as very independent and strong minded gals, We are shown up as finest examples in dads friends circle for studies and they we have taken care of our parents after we both sisters started to work . My dad is my role model and my everything to me .

The trouble in the paradise started when my parents started searching marriage alliance for me , I was 26 then . Every guy who came in was just looking how much dowry my parents could give. Adding to that I was overweight too. We never wanted to encourage dowry So, the hunt was getting delayed.

One day we got a alliance from a matrimonial site, He was from a village but settled in our city for past many years, LESSER EDUCATED but  was self made man and come up in his life own with great difficulty. He too into software firm. He is good looking and was not into dowry and stuff. We took time to agree as we had to do background verification of his, everywhere we asked about him resulted in a good feedback. So, finally we decided to get married. He was from a broken family , younger brother had got married before him and has a kid, younger unmarried sister who was already 31 by then.

Me and My family thought that the guys family background doesn’t matter, cos the guy is good and self made . Since, both of us were working the financial condition of his family wouldn’t affect us .

We got engaged in 2009 in a very grand way , and after 5 months was the wedding . Everything went well till the engagement , and after that slowly the real him started showing up. He was very calculative and never used to spend whenever we used to go out . I never minded that as I was spending for us  He used to be always silent and never speak anything . I used to console myself, that he might be stressed arranging everything by himself for the marriage from the guys side. Occasionally he used to scold me very rudely which turned it to regular thing close to marriage , I was not used to such rude behavior ever. I still remained silent , as the days for marriage came close he had spoken of breaking the marriage 3 times . I would always end up crying and somehow convincing him.

Slowly it started to hit that I am not happy and still continued with this relationship as we were engaged and breaking the engagement would mean a lot of hurt to my parents. Now, I feel I should have been brave enuff , at least I would have been happy. There was no mental peace and had hid everything from my parents .

His tantrums increased and I started feeling that I have compromised so much for the wedding, The reasons being

a) He was not from a good family background
b) He was much less educated than me
c) Very poor family

Still I went ahead just thinking that he has gone through so much in life and now he would try and keep me happy atleast. He would try to show me all that love which he had never had since all these years.This was the only reason for us to agree for the wedding.

Just 3 weeks before the wedding I was shocked seeing his profile in social n/w site, he had all scantily dressed females as his friends those vulgar kind of profiles. He was 33 by then and had some 18-19 year old gals whom he had never met. When I questioned he said when he had added them they were properly dressed but now the profile pic have been changed and he was not aware of it . Though it was not a convincing reply, I still remained silent.

On the marriage day too he and his side people threw so much tantrums which forced me too decide that I would break the wedding after reception, again I could not muster the courage. So many problems created by his side during wedding didn’t reach me as my parents didn’t allow it to reach me. We spent around 14 lakhs towards the wedding and still deep inside none of our family members were happy. 14 lakhs was a huge amount for a middle class family like ours .

After the wedding I was taken to their house in a village, that day i saw the real thing of their home. His younger brother was a drunkard and both the brothers were fighting on the road. I was shocked to see such a kind of behavior. I might not have come from a rich family but my parents have brought us up in a standard way. Couldn’t come of shock for 2 days and please keep in mind it was just on the day of the wedding. The stay in his native was not good as the brothers fought on both the nights when I was there. I heard someone from his village, that this is how they have been 3rd rated. He hid the fact that his brother’s wedding was almost broken and the gal had put a dowry case.

That’s when I realized my life was doomed. Still my husband tried to keep me happy. Frankly I was happy in this wedding only  the day after marriage . After that its only been crying . Here and there small things of his behavior hurt me a lot and but like any other Indian gal I too felt that it was the starting trouble.

We came back to our city, and stayed in my mom’s home for sometime as the house which we were supposed to shift was not yet ready. While paying advance to that house, he had expected my parents to help him financially for setting up the house and that too was fulfilled but not as per his expectations. Since he was the first son-in- law of the house, he was treated with great respect which he didn’t deserve .

We shifted to our home one month after the wedding, I had expected a lot of physical intimacy/ romantic involvement from him but i was proved wrong. He was never interested in anything and use to just watch TV and sleep only after I go to sleep. The first weekend after we shifted he opened the finance topic and that’s when I told him I had taken loan of 4 lakhs for the wedding and paying 10k monthly towards it. This was cos I didn’t want to be burden on my parents and wanted to help them. I have always been financially independent, I would never ever ask my husband  to pay my loans as it was my responsibilityHe got very angry for that and started abusing my dad and beat me.

I was taken aback with this behavior of his, cos I never wanted a guy who would physically abuse me. Now, that I had got one I was shocked and scared. I started developing fear towards him. That was the day he openly told that from then on He would never ask me anything neither should I ask and just be for the heck of being . He said that if he had known abt the loan he would not have married me. Just for 4 lakhs how could anyone be so cheap.  Even after the loan I could save around 15k per month and was ready to put as OUR savings. Tried to convince him so much and even went on to say  that dad owns 2 floor home and and one day we would have one, but nothing helped . Things went for worse.

He stopped speaking to me, every time I would beg, cry and nothing changed. There was no communication at all between us and even small kind of communication would be through mails or message. He would never call me and if he called it would be only for scolding me for some small thing at home. He never agreed to keep a maid. So, I had to wake up at 5 prepare BF, lunch clean the house and go to work. He helped me my washing vessels for some days and after that he stopped that too. At my mom’s home, I never used to do any work and here I ended up doing up everything still I didn’t complain as I thought atleast by doing this he would show some love to me.

I used to go mad being in the same house and no communication and would love to go to office as I would get so many people to speak and mingle with. Every fortnight I use to run to my mom’s home just cos there would be folks who would love me and care me . My parents sensed there was something wrong and only gave me advice to adjust and go as they thought I was not able to adjust. He would speak so lovingly to other gals or neighbors but never would speak to me.

He used to stare at every single gal on the road till that gal would go out of sight, so I started feeling insecure too. He would never take me out, not that he went out . He would never come with me to temple too. I tried every possible way to keep him happy but nothing worked. I would just stick to my parents words that in the first year of the wedding, we need to work . After that marriage works for you.

Since I am overweight, I used to snore and he gave this reason and started sleeping separately. 

I started living 2 LIVES, One the real me who is cheerful and the other who was so submissive and would never open her mouth. Suddenly he came up with this idea that I should study for Civil Service and he forced me to join classes too. My parents and me took it in a positive way that he is sooo good that he wants his wife to study and get a good name in the society. Since the classes were near to mom’s home, I shifted to mom’s home and he was there alone.

It was very tough for me to manage studies, classes and work, I would sleep only 3 hrs a day and was working very hard so that he would love me for this atleast. Due to this running around and stuff I gained lot of weight. I was in mom’s home for 8 months and not even a single day he came to see me, though we were in the same city and it was hardly 45 min drive from my home to mom’s home. I only used to go every weekend after classes to my home and meet him. Neither did he help me in money to pay the classes nor did he buy me any books. Everything was done by me and my parents just to fulfill his dream.

Since my neighbors saw me at moms place , started speaking about me which my parents couldn’t tolerate and decided to send me back, He never came to get me also. My parents thought things should not go out of hand and sent me back but immediately the next day only he got me and dropped me back at moms home.. he fought and shouted and scolded me badly.

Amidst all this he wanted a baby too, though he had openly said that he was not mentally prepared for the wedding. If he was not mentally prepared for the wedding at the age of 34, then why did he marry to spoil my life. I was not ready initially for the baby cos there was absolutely no understanding between us. But as we finished a year I thought atleast if I agree for kid atleast then things would change between us for better. I was under tremendous pressure with all the running around for classes,work and now kid..

How can I have a kid when there were no feeling, no love between us. But like any other typical Indian gal I too thought having a kid would help us in someway , So i started folic acid tablets too. All this when I was at mom’s home. In Feb 2011 I went back to my home after 8 months as my application for IAS had got rejected due to some issue .

In between I had got hit several times, not that severely but still being an educated gal would never approve a man beating his wife. Many times I would think I come out of this marriage, but I had my younger sis who was not yet married, SO continued to undergo everything silently . When things went out of hand I had decided that once my sis would get married I would end this wedding. But the efforts were on somehow make this marriage work. When I was unable to take it, i secretly wished that I would get onsite opportunity and would get some peace of mind.

I cant really put in words the amount of mental agony, distress I have faced in this 2 years . All my hardwork and cribbing, crying never changed anything. Things can be told to people who will understand and not for people who would not want to understand at all.

Being in software field, I had always dreamt of going onsite (abroad) gain lot of exposure and obviously make money. I had spoken to him about this even before wedding and he had agreed. So in July I got an offer to travel abroad for sometime. Obviously I was elated . I know was being coward and running away from all the things which was bad or rather tuff and wouldn’t change . But I needed this .

As the days started nearing for my travel, I also felt sadness in leaving him. But secretly hoped he would feel my absence and atleast some thing good would happen. But all that went for a toss, He said he wouldn’t drop me to the airport as he was feeling sleepy. On the night before I traveled he came to hit me in front of my parents in the hotel while having dinner.

My parents were shocked with this behavior of him, cos till then they had not known even single thing between us. They were always under the impression that there was some trouble but it would smoothen out as the days passed by. The night which was supposed to be my happiest night became the saddest one as my parents were clueless about whats happening between us . They were under so much pain..

I went abroad, though I went there there was no peace of mind. I never wanted my parents to get to know and now they had got to know that I was in trouble. the weekend after I left India my parents went to him and tried speaking but he was only shouting and screaming and demanded an apartment. This was the same guy who didn’t want any dowry. He used singular words to my parents. Like this they have tried to speak 3 times to him but nothing worked. All this I was not knowing as my parents didn’t tell me anything. Neither did he do, cos there was absolutely no contact between us once I left India. I had mailed him 2  times but there was no reply. For one of the mail. he just replied saying he doesn’t want me to work. I called him couple of times and every time he would say he was busy and can’t speak.

The unbearable amount of pain my parents have undergone during this time is unexplainable.This went on for 3 months, in between my sister’s wedding was getting fixed, for which they went to invite him. He behaved rudely that time too . Things had gone beyond control. That is when my parents got ready mentally for either positive or negative. I came back to India in feb 2012 for my sis wedding .

Once I was back, my parents spoke to me got to know everything in detail and asked my decision. I was prepared mentally to break the marriage. It sure shocked my parents but they being very supportive parents understood me and decided to be with me. We just wanted my sister’s marriage to get over without any fuss and after that we would decide the course of action. But just 3 days before  the wedding he came and threatened my parents. The wedding was a grand success and both sides were so happy during the wedding. Though my family was undergoing immense pressure and grief cos of my life, we never showed it during the wedding. He didn’t attend the wedding and everybody who came asked only about him. It hurt me, it was a planned humiliation from his side.

After all these he had the guts to drop a mail saying he wants a mutual consent divorce. It has been a month sine he mailed and there has been no action from him, which clearly shows he is playing some game ..

Dear IHM, I have suffered enough from him and his family for these 2 years and I don’t want to suffer anymore. I was very submissive and not being me in the marriage. It’s tuff to live as somebody who is not me, and being like this for next 30 years is not going to be possible. His demand of me quitting job wont happen cos with me being in job only he has not spent a single pie for me , so i can imagine if I sit at home. Even if my husband was all loving towards me I wouldn’t have agreed for that, cos I feel a gal has to be financially independent . And there was no reason given  when asked as to why I had to quit, In a marriage, compromise should be on both the sides and not just from one single person. It was like being single when I was married.

I had only expected love and care from him and nothing else, I was ready to do anything for him. I have shared only few of the things here. We had just expected him to be a son to our parents house and nothing else. I was an stupid emotional fool and took a wrong decision during my wedding, probably if I would have been practical I wouldn’t have landed up in this position.

Now, I have applied for mutual divorce cos I feel I have all the right to live happily  and I cant be happy with him.
I was not happy in any sense in the wedding . Marriage has not got me any kind of happiness.

I have taken the decision now, frankly I feel liberated and tension free🙂 I have very supportive parents and I thank god for that.

Through your blog I would want to understand if I have taken the right decision and see whats the next course of action.

Thanks In Advance.

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Related posts:

This is what is wrong with our society – SOS

Feminism has gone to women’s head. Divorce has become like selling onions. – IHM

Marriages are sold to Indian women in a glossy cover…? – IHM

Are Happily Married Daughters a status symbol in India? – IHM

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Please feel free to email your comments for being published by me in case you face any problem in submitting comments. At indianhomemakerATgmailDOTcom.

85 thoughts on “An email: “Through your blog I want to understand if I have taken the right decision and see what’s the next course of action.”

  1. Dear Letter Writer,

    First of all big hug to you , and lots of kudos.

    I would say just go by your gut, marriage made you sad, miserable and divorce makes you feel liberated, independent and happy.😉 There is no doubt on what the right decision for you should be.

    Focus on the positive, and always remember everyone deserves happiness, including you.

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  2. You have of course taken the right decision and there is absolutely no doubt about it. The next course of action is not to compromise on your happiness no matter what and achieve whatever you wanted to do so far. Can I also suggest that you work on your obesity as its important to remain healthy and lead a good life style. It will definitely make you feel a lot better.

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  3. Good luck, and hugs, Sister. No woman should have to go through all this, and so many do. You have definitely taken the right action. As for the future course of action, why not take it one day at a time, focus on your work, maybe take up other interests which this period of conflict would not have let you do? I am not sure if you are now in India, but once your divorce comes through, perhaps you could even go abroad or a different city if you feel you would like some space. While your parents are supportive, living again with them may be difficult on a permanent basis.

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  4. Received by email published by IHM
    WHY DID WE TAKE SO LONG TO DECIDE FOR A RIGHT DECISION AND TAKE WRONG ONES IN A JIFFY

    WHY YOU WAITED SO LONG WHY WHY WHY WHY ???

    god bless you its not just right but perfect also

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    • @Rachana,

      You asked a very valid question. The answer is HOPE, the hope things will change, the hope that if I tried little harder he’ll love me. Thanks to all these Satyanarayan katha and bollywood dramas what do we expect women to do.
      No one ever says to abuse is a choice an abuser makes and you cannot do anything about it. Your choice is to put up with abuse or put an end to it by removing your self from abusive situation or putting the abuser in the dog house.

      This email writer had so much patience to write this more 2000 words long email and is still seeking validation from utter strangers.
      Wish she would understand to live in peace is her right and peace at any cost is no peace at all.

      Peace,
      Desi Girl

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  5. Of course you took the right decision. Don’t ever doubt yourself – there are plenty of people to do that for you! And I’m so amazingly proud that didn’t give into demands for a baby – since its a common belief that a child will magically solve all problems.

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  6. I feel so relieved to hear that you have finally taken the right decision!! And not a moment too soon!!

    The fundamental rule is that…. you don’t bend over your back to make someone love you, he/she loves you for who you are. As simple as that. Adjustments and everything, come only later. And that too from both parties.

    But I guess by now u have realized that. God bless you!

    My advice to you is that, focus on your work. What happened to your onsite opportunity? Is it over? Do you have chances to go abroad again? If so, I suggest you take that up. Take a break. It will not only refresh you but also give you more confidence and exposure, that you are doing something you like as well as earning more.

    If you are going to be in India for now, be prepared to steel yourself. There maybe some comments from neighbours etc. but as long as they see it has no effect on you, they will also stop chattering. Be firm.

    You have already started down the right path. The only thing now is to not divert yourself and change tracks….at any cost.

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  7. Yayyyyyy! You did so right! Anyone is liable to go through abuse, but the important thing is not to lose focus, which is yourself and your happiness. I am glad to know you never compromised on your belief that happiness is your birthright. Btw, you are doing the correctest thing in the world, only I wish you had sued him for all he had. But considering that was not much, and in India these things get dragged on forever, you did opt for the best course.

    Now I have a couple of points to pick with you. Why on earth did you want a guy for your sister who would be influenced by your marital status? Would it not be rather superficial of him to judge your sister and make his decision of getting married based on your marital status? Is it wise to want your sister to marry someone like that?

    Another thing is why did you not just look for your own partner instead of worrying about the extras? You seem pretty independent and decisive, so why allow some guy you did not even know to gain this kind of control over you? You could have at least had a lengthy interaction period with him before marriage.

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  8. While reading this long mail I was comparing with the previous email.
    I think you are far better off than the other lady.
    You don’t have a baby yet to complicate matters.
    You have a job in a rewarding field (software) with scope for postings abroad.
    You have supportive parents.

    Throw this fellow into a dustbin where he belongs and move on with life.
    He simply does not deserve you.
    Forget the past, erase bitter memories and throw yourself into your job and career.
    Spend time on your hobbies and develop new ones.

    Try social work in your spare time and begin with service right at home, by looking after your aging parents at home and being a solid support to them in their old age.
    Enjoy the happiness of your sister’s marriage and be a God mother to her children in case you are unable to find a new and better life partner in future.
    Take care of your health and seek medical advise regarding obesity and snoring.

    Don’t, even for a single moment, have doubts about the correctness of your decision.

    As Rachana says, it was late in coming, but, better late than never.
    Chin up! Don’t look back. Look ahead with confidence and determination.
    May God be with you.

    Regards
    GV

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    • GV, I heartily agree with everything you say, especially throwing in the dustbin part had me laughing.

      But if she desperately wants a child, there are ways to have your own without being married. Even if she does not want to have sexual relationship, she can still go for the adoption route or check out a sperm donor.

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    • //Enjoy the happiness of your sister’s marriage and be a God mother to her children in case you are unable to find a new and better life partner in future. //
      Vishvanaathjee I feel she should find happiness and fulfillment in her own life, and not try to find it through her sister’s or parents’ lives. Social service is also not satisfying or enriching for everybody – and she might want relationships in future.
      It’s possible for women to be happy without wanting children and marriage. She could join, say a photography club, go for trekking, take up new hobbies, connect with old friends, make new friends, travel to new places and have children only if she really wants to, and if she marries again it should not be just because she wants to have children or because it would make her parents feel better – but because she has met someone she would like to share her life with.

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      • Absolutely IHM. Can’t agree with you more. Why do people always tell women to find happiness in their siblings marriage and social work and blah blah when they are already suffering with failed relationships.
        After all not everyone can wear the “sacrifice hat ” and become God mother’s pleasing and helping every second person who comes along their way.
        They may want to do something vastly different than this and its important that the person in question finds out what she really wants and pursues her life accordingly rather than having to baby sit her sister’s children cos she does not have one.

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      • I agree IHM. We have to find happiness and fulfillment in our own lives by pursuing whatever interests us. You hit the nail on the head with: “It’s possible for women to be happy without wanting children and marriage”. Of course!

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      • “I feel she should find happiness and fulfillment in her own life, and not try to find it through her sister’s or parents’ lives.” – IHM

        Ah how I wish people understood this…..I am often advised to find happiness in the happiness of siblings or relatives, and it annoys me to no end. It’s hard people to understand that everyone’s definition of happiness is very different.

        In this lady’s case, she just shut one door, she has not shut down her life. She might find a wonderful person and find happiness that way, or find happiness in her new found freedom and continue to be so…..It is totally upto her. At this point there are too many doors open out there for her to venture in…

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  9. Of course, it’s the right decision. You said: “I have taken the decision now, frankly I feel liberated and tension free.” That should tell you that it’s the right one.

    As for the future, focus on what makes you happy and being financially independent, getting over this traumatic period and ignore any rude comments that might come your way from gossippy people. Yay for you and good luck!

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  10. As you say so yourself you feel happy and liberated after taking the decision .. So why even the doubt that your decision may be wrong! Be proud of the decision you have taken, don’t look back, chin up and carry on! There will be idiots who will gossip and there will be questions raised. Never let them bother you! You are lucky to have a supportive family .. just remember that ! Concentrate on your career and if your company gives you another onsite opportunity grab it .. A change and some time away by yourself will do you good.
    Think positive and I am very sure positive things will happen to you in the future
    !
    Let this new year on Gudi Padwa be a new beginning for you !
    Good Luck and hugs !

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  11. I agree with every comment till now. Two years was a long period but anyways better than before arrival of a kid. The nightmare is over and you are liberated. Look forward to a new and beautiful life (amongst broadminded people) and live for yourself. What about the 14L you spent on the wedding? Sue him for every penny spent on the wedding and later. Also seek compensation for mental trauma. Would like to see the scum behind bars.

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  12. When I read such letters here I can only shudder with how much us women are ready to bear only because
    – We don’t want to hurt our parents
    – We think about the future of our sisters/ brothers
    – What will the society think
    – What will happen after divorce
    – Most of the time we also go ahead and have a baby thinking things will improve
    – And when they don’t we don’t get out of mrrg because we want a happy family for the baby!

    Who are we kidding here?

    I feel so sad after reading this letter. This well educated girl had the opportunity to not get into the relationship but still went ahead and now when she has taken the correct decision she still needs to get convinced from us??? Of course this is THE right decision and though been taken a little late (late because now she is scarred) but nevertheless the right decision.

    But seriously I am so disappointed.. I wonder when will grow as society, grow up and give confidence to such girls who know that if they get out of an abusive relationship they will not be scorned!!!

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  13. Brava! Truly a class act!

    Congratulations on realizing that you have every right to a happy life. Everyone has that right, but not everyone realizes it.

    You should be proud of yourself, for being proactive about your own life, for taking control of it, for realizing that the only one stopping you from getting out of that horrific situation and living your dreams was YOU. And now that you’ve done something about it, you can go out there and rediscover life, rediscover happiness, rediscover how wonderful it is to be free of that constant worry and fear.

    Your future course of action is something that only you can decide. But I can offer some hints, if you want:

    For now, just relax a bit and focus on your career. Do your job well, be passionate about it, make money, and enjoy yourself, as new doors open up for you.

    Spend time with your parents. Take them out for dinner one night. Watch a movie with them. Have some family time.

    You may not want to get into a relationship anytime soon. That’s perfectly alright; don’t worry about it. When you are ready, you will know.

    DON’T blame yourself for anything that happened. Remember that it’s always easy to be wise in hindsight. Even the best of us can sometimes get taken in and end up in a bad situation. We all make mistakes. In life, you are allowed to make mistakes as long as you learn from them. Your experience was a bad one, but I’m certain that it taught you a few things. It made you realize a few things. It helped you become a better, smarter person.
    You are nearly out of that bad situation now. The winter is over, and spring is here. It is time to throw out the old, rotten junk in your life and make room for the roses and sunshine.

    People will comment on your decision. Ignore all negative comments. Don’t bother to reply, or even listen. There is no benefit in listening to gossip about yourself, so banish it from your mind and move on to more productive things. Eventually, people will get tired and find a new topic.

    Make friends at the workplace. I know it can be a bit hard to do that in a competitive corporate environment, but try hard. Meet people from different departments. Socialize a lot. Make female friends if you are not comfortable with male ones. You should have at least two contacts on your phone (apart from your family) who you can call up when you are feeling down and need to be cheered up.

    This should be a start, but you can probably think of other things.

    You are a financially independent adult – the world is your playground! There are infinitely many things you can do with your life.

    Go out there and be happy, as you deserve to be. Good luck!

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  14. IHM.
    It is unbearable for me to read through the last 2 posts.
    Why should educated and employed women in 21st century sacrifice so much for marriage? I feel the way these ppl were brought up and the Patriarchal values they imbibed are to be blamed.
    It is always better to be friends first, lovers next and if there is a real need marry.

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  15. Just yesterday I came to know another friend has quit her job because of pressure from her in-laws. It really saddened and annoyed me at the same time. I think she has no real idea on how much power she has just granted them over her.

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    • I know of several women who quit their well-paying jobs because their in-laws, husband told them so.
      I also know of several women who are being verbally abused and made to feel guilty/ insecure for not contributing financially to the family.
      Women need to understand in both cases it is not about money but it is their way of showing you that they have control over your life.

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      • I am not sure I agree with this Biwo. If a man expects his wife to share the expenses, it is not control. It is partnership. If I were a man, I would be really upset if my wife said I must pay the bills.

        However, dumping all housework on the woman, making decisions on her salary, etc. could be seen as control. It’s a fine line, but we need to make the distinction.

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    • Fem, perhaps you could persuade her to start working again?

      You never know — your friend could be in exactly the sort of marriage that we discuss here.

      When a woman is in an unhappy marriage, every gesture of support and understanding counts.

      Financial dependence is often the beginning of the end.

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      • I tried to speak with her but we are not that close. Ultimately, all I got out of her was that it’s more peaceful at home, and that kind of stuff. It is very disheartening to see such smart women being reduced to following other peoples wishes AND claiming it was their own decision.

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  16. You’re awesome! I’m SO happy you found the courage to act NOW.

    You can be overweight and attractive. It’s the attitude and personality that attracts (good) men, not a sharp nose, or a barbie doll figure. They’re definitely good to have, but NOT a requirement. Please DON’T rate yourself down because you’re overweight.

    That said, exercise is an amazing way of making yourself happier, even when you’re in the doldrums. I’ll spare you a lecture on bone density and endorphin rushes, but there’s more to exercise than just weight loss – it’s more about physical and mental health than a cosmetic makeover. If you think you’ll be able to make time for exercise, I’d be happy to suggest some basic exercises you can do at home, without an expensive gym membership.

    You’re 29. That is young. Don’t listen to the aunties who tell you otherwise. You’ve wasted a year or so on this guy already, so please don’t waste any more of your life. Please look within yourself to see what it is that you’re most passionate about, and start doing it after job hours. It could be something orthogonal with your career or good-girl image, doesn’t matter. You’re good at academics, and at software, but what are you passionate about? What absorbs you so much you don’t notice that it’s night already and you’ve skipped a meal? These questions will generally give you a hint about where your passions lie.

    You have one life to live, and trust me when I tell you that you’ll rue every day you waste mourning a half-assed sociopath who didn’t deserve you in the first place. Get over him YESTERDAY (easier said than done, I know) Make friends, get back in touch with old ones. Take a class. Do whatever you need to do to love and accept yourself for the person you are, not for the accolades you got in college. You are more than your grades, or your salary. Your self-esteem should not be sourced from your IAS degree or certification or whatever its called. You are awesome as you are.

    Sorry about the rant. You’re awesome😀

    Like

  17. Yes yes yes a thousand times yes, you took the right decision!! A decision which should have been made much earlier..but as the saying goes its better to be late than never. Glad for you and good luck!🙂

    Like

  18. First of all, My reply to the lady here WHY does she need a approval of blogging world or internet to know she has done the right thing.
    IF I SAY NO you have not and some other say WILL you go back to this monster of a MAN..

    Just to reply to your question you have done the right thing , gave enough chances t ohim he does not deserve you at all..

    But also a advice too one should not be worried of what others say , IF YOU know in ur heart that you are RIGHT then take that decision and DO IT.. we here on blogs are not living or gone through what you have well majority of us.

    You take care and all the best .. hope you meet someone who is a good human being🙂

    Like

  19. I have a friend who had a husband just like yours. He was a narcissistic pyschopath and was extremely controlling and dominating.

    She tried to leave him once but her supportive parents convinced her to give it a try and have a baby. She gave it her best and spend 8 years with him miserable and depressed.

    Finally 8 months ago she left him and moved to her own place. The first thing she said was she has lived more in 8 months then she had in those 8 years.

    She has a good job and she keeps herself busy and active and she is very happy. It is heartening to see her smile again.

    Only you know your pain no one else can feel it for you. So you need to decide what is best for you because you will live that decision.

    And yes look after yourself. Have a good body image. I agree with one of the readers above that it is your personality that attracts man. Looks will fade. But if you are fit and healthy you will feel happy. Also take a assignment abroad and move away, it will make a huge difference because initially people will ask you several questions which might upset you. Also remember when u are abroad be active and social because being alone in a new country after such a trumatic time can also be hard.

    So my friend we wish you the best . You Have taken the first step in living your life now don’t turn back. Do post back how things went for you. You could be the success story for other women in the same situation. Best of luck.

    Like

  20. You definitely did the right thing. You deserve happiness, and a stress free life. The only thing this marriage was giving(probably) you, was the ‘married status’. Did it really matter? If you feel liberated and tension free – that is all that matters.

    You faced so much, now, I guess is the time to do things that make you truly happy. All the best, you deserve a lifetime of happiness, after all that you have gone through.

    Like

  21. I feel sorry for the author of this email, and I think she has made a GREAT decision by finally filing for divorce, but at the same time I cannot understand a few things, which are so repetitive in the majority of such stories.

    All these women highlight how educated they are and how much time, money and effort was spent on their education. They know what it means to live independently in a financial sense, but they remain very immature emotionally, conditioning their happiness by the perceived happiness of their parents.

    An educated woman should see that an arranged marriage both as a theoretical concept and as a social practice is insulting, humiliating, and disempowering – especially for women. It makes you tied to a man that is a complete stranger to you, he can be literally anyone – a felon, a sexual offender, a fraud, a substance abuser, a womanizer, a mental clinic patient – and you will NEVER KNOW – because his family will present him to you like a mountain of gold. Very often his own parents will not know who he really is.

    And these educated woman, agree to live with a stranger, sleep with a stranger, tolerate the whatever behaviour of a stranger, and to even carry his child. How stupid a person has to be, to do all that to herself!

    Those who have properly functioning arranged marriages owe it to nothing more than LUCK, because this is a sheer chance, that one could ever be happy in such a disgraceful (for a woman of course) arrangement.

    A man doesn’t care, he just needs to make sure you are attractive enough for him so that he can “do you”.

    When will all these women finally get this???

    Like

    • A man doesn’t care, he just needs to make sure you are attractive enough for him so that he can “do you”.

      Really? A man doesn’t care about anything except sex? What is this, 60,000 BC?

      That kind of thing works only if the said man has all the emotional sophistication of a stick insect.

      I’d sooner drown myself than be subjected to an arranged marriage with a stranger who is physically attractive enough to “do” but is otherwise a mindless drone, brainwashed with junk ideas about marriage, life, elder-worship or even worse, male-worship. I’ve been in relationships like that (not marriage, thankfully), and it is torturous enough. It is torturous to be in it, it is torturous to try (unsuccessfully) to regress yourself to some stupid socially sanctioned idea of a “real man”, and it is torturous to leave. Of course, I was young and naive back then.

      Some of us – the ones who don’t live in caves, and don’t own wooden clubs, and basically don’t belong to the bloody stone age – would much prefer partners over sex-slaves. I thought that little point had been made by now.

      Like

      • As much as I would love to share your optimism regarding men in general (all men, not only Indians), the fact still remains, that whether we like it or not, in the natural process of selection men pay a lot of attention to the sexual aspect of a relationship and hence, expect a partner that is, at least on first impression, let’s call it neutrally: “attractive”.

        Since arranged marriage is not about PROFOUND ‘getting to know each other’, but relying on such first impressions, the overall summary of a person’s physical image and ‘inner beauty’ or ‘important attainments’ is pretty much dissorted. In that situation, it is only easy for a man to “secure” what he can instantly prove: physical appearance, allowing the other components to be left not verified.

        You have all the rights to claim that you are not that type of a guy. But being brutally honest with you, India is big enough to accomodate thousands of men who behave and think like Flinstones.

        Like

      • the fact still remains, that whether we like it or not, in the natural process of selection men pay a lot of attention to the sexual aspect of a relationship and hence, expect a partner that is, at least on first impression, let’s call it neutrally: “attractive”.

        Plausible, but that’s not what you said in your previous comment.

        And one could probably argue that this is also true of women. They may or may not pay a lot of attention to the sexual aspect of a relationship, but given a choice, I think few women would marry a man they’re not physically attracted to at all.

        The looks matter to both sides even in an arranged marriage (you’ll usually see “he was good-looking” as a selection criteria in most of the emails). Arguably more to the male side, but in general, to both.

        In any case, I am not defending arranged marriages. I consider them an abhorrent practice and would dearly love to see them die a quiet death as quickly as possible.

        However, I took exception to your statement because it was sexist and offensive.

        It is the equivalent of saying “a woman doesn’t care, all she needs is a man whose paycheck is big enough to support a luxurious lifestyle”, and then following it up with a weasel statement like this one:

        “you have every right to claim you are not that sort of a woman, but the world is big enough to contain millions of them”.

        This is a weasel statement because in essence, it means nothing. Maybe the world contains millions of such women. Maybe it doesn’t. We do not know, and it doesn’t matter, since you cannot treat people as statistics anyway.

        This is a tired, much overused trope of chauvinists. Don’t fall into that trap.

        Like

    • Intercultured. You are absolutely right about successful arranged marriages being based on luck (and careful choosing) than on anything else.

      However, this is the system most Indians feel comfortable with, for many reasons.

      “Love marriages” will be frowned upon until Indian society decides that it is natural and healthy for the sexes to meet and mingle before marriage.

      Many Indian men and women women have arranged marriages because their social milieu forbids them from dating; or even meeting people of the opposite sex without a chaperone being present.

      Yep, that’s right, chaperones. Victorian mores are long dead in England, but they’re alive and kicking here.

      Like

      • Looking at it from the outside, I don’t think that lack of dating opportunities or disapproval of such social practices pushes people towards an arranged marriage. It surely complicates the issue, but does it stop NRIs from having multiple partners before coming back to India to “settle”?

        Like

    • I agree with your assessment of arranged marriages, but I don’t think this statement “A man doesn’t care, he just needs to make sure you are attractive enough for him so that he can “do you”.” is correct. There are plenty of men who don’t want to jump into bed with the first woman, so this is stereotyping. And this is also pressure on a man to behave in that way. I don’t think when it comes to sex, men biologically have lesser sensibilities than a woman. That is social conditioning, and by saying these things, we are only enforcing it.

      Like

      • I think men and women have equal rights to feel attracted to another person or to be sexually active. But if you switch off filters in your browser and type “mallu girl” the amount of porn popping up will definitely exceed similar search results for a “mallu boy”. That shows something.

        You are right saying that not all men treat sex as a priority. But entering an arranged marriage you can only pray that your husband turns out to be a good type.

        Like

    • Harsh🙂 Arranged marriages are “luck”, careful checks and in some cases chemistry to a certain extent. I didn’t have one but i don’t think it’s a horrible system made for sex only either. It is not for the current india , but eons ago when my parents were young, my mom went toa girls school ( the only kid in her town), went to a women’s college ( stella mary’s i think) and when she finished her degree in home science cam eback home since there was no job prospects and started her BEd degree from home. Now where in this wide world was she supposed to meet men? how on earth would she have a love marriage when she has almost no contact with men outside her family? so inthat sense her parents gave her the introduction, of course the pressure to pick someone soon was there, but nevertheless this was option no1, the No2 being she stay single and start teaching in some school which she was not interested in doing? so could she just sit at home and do nothing, for how long and after her parents pass away then what ? so in those days arranged marriages worked. these days with every women getting educated and hitting the work force the pool is large.
      now coming to my generation women worked ( a bit) and went to mixed colleges , yet 2 of my cousins didn’t find anyone to fall in love with, one of them didn’t care the othe was upset she was still single at 29 !!! so it’s personality type also, she requested her parents to find her a match and i believe is not very happy thanks to a deadly MIL🙂
      the other one who was against arranged marriage had an arranged marriage with a 9month engagement andn lots of dating much to her parents annoyance and seems fine after 12 yrs…

      so i wouldn’t knoch the way people choose to get married, just parents should help the kids do what they want once they are adults not what the parents want and all will be well.

      Like

      • Being single at 29 is not a crime! No relationship is HEAVENS better than a crappy one!

        There is nothing wrong in parental advice. It becomes wrong when they want to see you married at all cost.

        Like

    • “A man doesn’t care, he just needs to make sure you are attractive enough for him so that he can “do you””

      I find it positively depressing that someone would believe that in good faith. There are a few men such as these, I agree, but the majority population (at least of the men I know) don’t have such low standards!

      Like

      • For some reason, people concentrated only on the “sex argument”.

        Expecting a dowry is a low standard. It shows that the groom and his family are not only cheap but also search for an idiot who will pay for nothing.

        Commenting on the weight and fairness of a prospective bride is a low standard. It shows what those desired “inner beauty” features really are.

        Expecting a prospective wife to stop working is a low standard. It shows how conservative and narrow-minded the prospective husband is.

        There is much more to a low standard than sex.

        Like

      • I think I may not have been clear in my comment, intercultured. I have nothing to refute in your take on arranged marriages, I’m against them myself.

        When I said “low standards”, I was not knocking on sex. I was saying that having ONLY physical appearance/sexual appeal as criteria for wanting to be/not be in a relationship is a low standard, be it for a man or a woman. People look for MUCH MORE in relationships and marriages. I cannot speak for an entire gender, but most of the men I know want an emotional/mental connect as well. It isn’t just about sex.

        Like PT said, most men have more emotional sophistication than you give them credit for.

        Like

    • For some reason, I cannot reply to you guys under individual comments so, let me try do it here:

      Praveen:

      I think you hit the jackpot saying that there are women who want a “man whose paycheck is big enough to support a luxurious lifestyle” – I don’t find this chauvinist or sexist – because it is TRUE in many cases that I have seen personally. And even though I don’t have/need any statistics for that, I think it is a social problem big enough to talk about it, instead of swiping it under the carpet because it might offend someone.

      In neither of my comments did I try to discredit the entire population of men in general or Indian grooms in particular. I’m just saying that it happens, and while Western women have an opportunity to protect themselves from such pathetic “matches”, Indian women don’t. And that’s the core of the issue.

      Thumbelina:

      I agree with you completely. There are plenty of men for whom emotionality and other factors are of more importance than pure physical attractiveness. And I wish every woman in India had a chance to find such a man without being forced to gamble her life.

      Like

  22. There is absolutely no doubt that what you did is the right thing. It just happened a bit late but we all need to make our experiences in life. Some people accept that the iron is hot and do not touch it and there are others who need to touch it to realise that the iron is indeed hot !!!!

    I have left an abusive husband 5 years back. Of course there were times when I had doubt if I had taken the right step.
    There were times when I remembered the good things and there were times I was plain lonely and longed for the love of a man.
    These were the times I was tempted to give it one more try.
    However one of the tips which I read in internet was a life-saver.
    Write down all the reasons why you want to leave him and put it on your refrigerator.
    Everytime you get a doubt, read it and it will remind you why you want to take this decission in the first place.

    There is some sense in GVjee’s advice on engaging in social service. It is not to be a sacrificing person or not to havea life of your own.
    But if you are among the less unfortunates, it helps you count your blessings. In your case the fact that you have a great education, a wonderful job and a loving family. With this you would stop asking yourself, oh why did this happen to me. By social service I mean do something which you get you involved and make you feel good about yourself. I helped a friend running a blind school. I did nothing more than reading out stories aloud to small chilren. It make me feel good about myself that I am capable to loving and being loved. I am not such a worthless person that my ex made me think I was.

    What happens in the future – no one knows. However one thing is for sure. Your life would be better than it is now.
    You are lucky to have supportive parents. My parents did not want me to go backto my ex but they were devastated with my divorce.
    But guess what !!! the sky did not fall on our heads. There was no calamity in the world due to my divorce.
    I did not turn into a starch saree clad bespectacled woman who had to give proof of her respectability.
    I hit the gym – the endorphines does a wonder indeed – I toned down and that made me feel attractive (not for any man but for me).
    I learnt swimming and driving – these things gave me a sense of achievement.
    Some people did not want to be friends with me and I thought I was well off without them. But I did also make some very good friends in this time. In due course I met a wonderful man and now am married to him. We have our differences and fights but a relationship based on love and trust does wonder for your life.
    If you do not leave your man you devoid yourself of this chance to find someone who loves you. You may or maynot find him but at least now you have a chance.

    Live your life the way you want to. If people gossip about you it is their problem and not yours.
    Shall I tell you a secret – not all the gossipmongers are moral police. A vast majority of them are people who are jealous of your courage. When they themselves are stuck in unhappy situation – it is not easy for them to tolerate someone who has the guts to live her life on her own terms.
    Pity them but never fear them.

    Like

    • Exactly, the people who gossip about you actually envy you.
      You dared to do what they wanted to, but couldn’t.
      You’re the one that got away.

      Like

  23. congrats! You made the right decision. Focus on your career and ignore any negative comments from people. You went through all this so don’t let other people criticize your decision.

    Like

  24. I compliment you for getting it right but disagree that you called yourself a emotional fool. most people would ask for divorce at the drop of a hat, but you waited 2 years which demonstrate maturity, patience and willpower to give the marriage a chance.

    Apart from this i believe marital incompatibility is rarely one-sided esp in educated couples. Self introspection is a positive way to bring this incident to a closure – maybe u’ll agree.

    Like

    • Nelly do you really believe that most married people ask for divorce lightly?
      I didn’t understand what you mean by,
      //Apart from this i believe marital incompatibility is rarely one-sided esp in educated couples. Self introspection is a positive way to bring this incident to a closure – maybe u’ll agree.//

      What introspection is needed to be sure that it is safer to leave a spouse who is violent, manipulative, greedy, deceitful and cruel.

      Like

      • I think by the introspection bit nelly means- ‘taali ek haath se nahi bajti’…a very common attitude towards divorce where 1 partner is clearly at fault.

        Like

    • Nelly do you really believe that most married people ask for divorce lightly?
      I didn’t understand what you mean by,
      //Apart from this i believe marital incompatibility is rarely one-sided esp in educated couples. Self introspection is a positive way to bring this incident to a closure – maybe u’ll agree.//

      What introspection is needed to be sure that it is safer to leave a spouse who is violent, manipulative, greedy, deceitful and cruel?

      Like

      • no but certainly looks we are headed in that way. It’s a individual choice, but for one most of us or you drew all conclusions from one side of story and that they were never counselled for the troubles by a neutral body to deal with this stress and incongruity

        Like

  25. While I do not feel good reading about the abuse and evil that abound Indian marriage, I am glad that this young woman has decided to put an end to the abuse. Be strong always!

    Like

  26. Trying to make a abusive, degrading , hate filled, loveless relationship work is not maturity. Identifying the situation and removing oneself from that situation IMMEDIETLY is maturity.

    Sigh – what can i say , to the letter writer, your decision is your own, one that you have to live with, not anyone else. After the warning signs, in the engagement period itself would have been the right time to break this off.
    well what’s done is done and now you are free. don’t look back , go ahead with your life and do your best to live happily .

    and if you have kids especially daughters pl raise them with confidence and teach them to ignore society and do what makes them happy, not what makes their parents, sisters, society or a million other people happy.

    **RANT **
    Most girls & marriages will be fine if parents stop harping on the ” please adjust” advise. once you’ve lost 2 or 5 or 10 yrs, you’ve lost it no one is going to give back that time or happiness.
    As for the first yr of marriage being hard, yes but nor wife beating, abuse, foul language hard, i’d say more in the line of squeeze the toothpaste correctly, i like rice, you like roti so how do we compromise hard. — big difference.

    And having kids NEVER NEVER solved any problems. they are not magical peace bringing beings, more the time consuming, clean me, feed me beings. if 2 people are having trouble bringing a kid into the mess is ONLY going to cause more trouble. , extra workload, and fatigue on top of an already miserable solution.

    Like

    • //”Trying to make a abusive, degrading , hate filled, loveless relationship work is not maturity. Identifying the situation and removing oneself from that situation IMMEDIETLY is maturity.”//

      This should be dinned into all heads. Radha, I am borrowing your quote!

      Like

  27. Lots of hugs to you my dear!
    I was just so mad while reading the initial part of the letter where she describes the abuse. I mean it still beats me as to WHY do we just waste our life living the life for others and bending so much hoping they will love us. And of course, in this case, getting abused. But when I read the last line where you say you have filed for a divorce, I really heaved a sigh of relief! I mean, seriously, that is such good news!! And come what may, make sure you get the final divorce and not change your decision based on any blackmailing that your husband (or anyone else) might do.
    You mentioned several times in the email that you are overweight, and that kind of bothered me the most. Being overweight is not a crime! You dont have to make more compromises for anyone and adjust more just because of this. You dont have to be (and I know you are not) guilty about this fact. I second thumbelina’s comment about exercise releasing endorphines and uplifting the mood. I will recommend you to start taking walks outside to calm your mind, feel energized and get in fresh air. It is really therapeutic. Do whatever you must to keep yourself happy and positive. Surround yourself with people who give you positive vibes and who support your decision. I do feel it is crucial to cut yourself off from people (relatives/neighbors) who are constantly doubting your decision. Do things that interest you. Take up hobbies, take a yoga class, a cooking class, just about anything that is of your interest. Also, keep the conversation open with your parents about how you are doing. Just knowing that you are doing well and are full of positivity will make them more confident about your decision. I wouldnt have said this if the parents were against your decision. But just the fact that they support you, you can all reassure each other in those moments of doubt when you feel if you made the right decision or not. And I do hope that there are no doubts as regards this particular decision.
    And if ever there are moments when you feel you have no external support, just hop by to this page and read what all of us have to say! We are with you and support your decision 100%. More power to you girl!!!

    Like

  28. We wait so long, deliberate so much … even when we know that the decision is the right one for us. It is said that the three As are a sure sign that you need to get out of a relationship
    1. Addiction
    2. Abuse
    3. Adultery
    It is definitely the right decision. You are young, you will heal and hopefully find a partner who is just the right one for you

    Like

  29. It is the best decision you could have ever taken! Please don’t look back or reconsider. You have a whole life ahead of you. get out of the mess, and heal and start life on a fresh note. We wait too long, but even then, the moment you know it in your heart, there is no lookin g back. The man has shown no love towards you, no companionship so what is left to save? He won’t change overnight and become a loving spouse, he will always be jealous of your success and perhaps also have a complex compared to your household background, education and income.

    You deserve better. Really.

    Like

  30. To the girl who wrote the letter:
    What you have done is the most correct thing to do. You have chosen for yourself, the freedom from suffering. You have chosen life.
    What I want to advise you, is to not heed to the society – you don’t need a nod from the society or from all of us to do anything. You choose your path and walk on it. Your aim should be to be happy and stay happy. That’s all. People will admire you in front of you and the same people will talk and snigger behind your back – THAT is my guarantee from my own experience. That’s why, don’t listen to people. Don’t seek their approval.
    Just live ur life and just be happy.
    Thank heavens another little life did not get involved in the mess… !!
    Hugs,
    Punam

    Like

  31. Good decision and I agree 100%. I know it’s hard and hurts…. but I’m sure you will definitely be happy. All the best!! Take care.

    Like

  32. FROM THE EMAIL WRITER

    Dear IHM🙂

    First of all thanks for taking time and publishing . I am overwhelmed by every readers response to the post . I thank each and everyone. Request you to please post my response too . No doubt reading each response made me strong🙂

    Now coming to the latest development, I have got back reply to the notice sent to him through a lawyer . Obviously he has denied and also stated that he never has asked me for a divorce and is ready to take me back and as always kept me happy

    However, He has also mentioned that he is ready for a mutual divorce only if I don’t ask any alimony bcos I am a working women.

    Dear IHM, this clearly shows all he cares his money. I always knew he was playing a game and how manipulative he can be . This has not deterred my decision and infact has given me the opportunity to fight such people who ruin gal’s life .

    Regards,

    Like

    • Dear Letter_Writer. You have no idea how great an example you are setting for many other women who can now look to you and know that they need not put up with an unequal marriage.

      I have no doubt that life will be satisfying and meaningful for you. Good things always come to those who fight for them and take the road less travelled.

      Good luck!

      Like

    • Good luck to you dear, may you find happiness that you truly deserve in the future. As biwo said, you are setting an example to many women in similar situations.
      God bless!

      Like

  33. Yesterday I received this email from The Email Writer:

    Dear IHM🙂
    Long time since I mailed you . How have u been?
    Have 2 news to share. So finally have filed a divorce case. Mutual divorce wouldn’t work as he was not ready to shell out money. If I had agreed for moneyless Mutual Divorce, there is no point as he would roam freely . The feelings of fear/anxiety was too much on the day i filed the case, but feel this is just the starting and there is a long way to go . taking a deep breath and waiting to c whats in store .
    And the good news is🙂 I have traveled back to onsite , i got an opportunity to travel and i took it up. Feels so nice to be back . Back to the place where I can be me, work hard towards my future🙂 I am also kind of relieved that my parents need not see me everyday and brood over my life. They need not answer the suspecting eyes of neighbours/society (not that they care but still we are still Indians and we take time to change🙂 ).
    My love to my parents has increased immensely, they have been such a strong support through out . Coming from a very less educated background they have ousted all the conservative thinking which was there for so long. I am immensely blessed to have such a family.
    Laods of Luv,

    Like

  34. Pingback: I could not sing after my marriage and I am really sad about it, but women have to ‘adjust’ to see their family happy… | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  35. Pingback: Someone said something that’s truer than truth | journeyofmythoughts

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