An email: If I am wrong in any way, please advise me a suitable course of action as I feel miserable..

Sharing an email.

My story is a bit long…

I am a simple , middle class Indian girl, did all my education and then took the job to support my self and also my family. My father had died when I was 6. I have a younger brother and my mother took to working. My father was an educated man (Btech, Mtech IIT) and my mother an equally hardworking (and good witted) woman. She faced a lot of obstacles to bring us up but she never gave up, or made us feel that we were ever deprived of anything in life coz we did not have a father.
Life was fine and I was happy. All troubles started with looking for a suitable guy for myselfSomehow falling in Love never really occurred to me or may be i didn’t pay much attention to the guys who were interested in me as i thought i cannot handle all that.. saying this i don’t mean that i am too weak a woman (almost 33 now) but may be  I didn’t want to upset/ confront my mom on this front.
So began the endless cycle to find a suitable groom for myself. somehow this cycle continued for 2-3 years almost…
Both me and my mom wanted a groom who was as educated as my father, a non drinker, non smoker, non dowry seeker and also from our caste. Somehow this combination seemed too difficult to find😦
If everything else was fine, then somehow the guys found me too quiet or they did not like the fact that I work
Any ways all the necessary facts from our side were put honestly and correctly on marriage portals and newspapers to avoid any problems later. This was the only time i really wished my father was alive….
Then this particular profile contacted us (unfortunately my present husband) , showing interest in my profile. It mentioned the guy did not drink, smoke and his father was a manager in a govt organization, brother a businessmen blah blah…
There were rounds of talk on the phone with my mother and then the guy and his mother decided to visit us in a cafe to have a physical look of me….
normal talks and info of how much do I earn etc…. may be I was too shy or dumb to really ask the real questions that should have mattered the most in my life… but yes the boy accepted in front of his mother that he did not smoke or drink…etc
I was married to this guy much against my own personal wishes… not that this marriage was pushed on to me but thinking my mother really worked so hard for so long and that this was like her final obligation towards me, also the guys parents confirmed and assured that the guy is very very nice nice despite me initially refusing to them when the guy admitted he drinks… also fear of society etc. Somehow this tragedy  happened…
From them onwards its being like a life full of shocks for me….
The guy’s family background: mom housewife, father a suspended officer (coz of some fraud he committed). Brother a diploma holder, running a shop opened by the father. Sister in law, don’t know how educated she is but a real bitch….
Guy : a B tech, MS from US and an MBA….
had a girl friend of 4 years who refused to marry him as he did not marry her initially .. so he looked for an  arrange marriage as his family also did not approve of marriage to her. Never was this fact mentioned to me  until after marriage… also that the guy smoked a lot, is diabetic.
They whole family was really cautious to hide this fact from our family… in fact for the 1st year of our marriage, I still feel he was very much in touch with his girlfriend and somehow still wished if this marriage could break, he’ll marry her
For 2 years of our marriage, I was endlessly compared to her for every big or small thing…
If i was so bad a person, better should have not married me in first place or should have divorced me then
I have been numerous times physically assaulted and beaten up…, compared with his numerous friends’ wives and made to feel how dumb I am…
All through these things happened, his mother took my side in supporting me and in helping me deal with her son, though never did she or her husband ever scolded him… the whole family somehow even till date always maintains a silence, kind of bowing out to my husband for whatever he does.. they never ever scold…. rather respect him… I think now .. because of this educational and financial position.. nobody in his family is as educated or earns as much as he does…
I earned decent enough to support myself and never really looked for marrying into a very rich family or having ultra luxurious lifestyle… I really needed a man who was educated and worked hard like I do and had a decent behavior and cared for me.. now that I look back, I regret my life because I did have some men like these around my various workplaces but I was a fool to ignore them and fall in trap for this guy…
Anyways, so his mom played at kind of being a nice mom but also shrewdly she asked me to bring costly presents etc but gave me very cheap things in return… for 1st 6 months I was in a different city and his family and he cleverly made this deal that when he visits my city I pay for his air tickets and food and accommodation as I was living in a shared apartment with other girls and when I visited him, he only needed to pay for my tickets…
He picked up a fight with me and abused my mom on phone when she visited me once…. some of my office colleagues knew the ordeal I was going through especially once also of slap mark which left a scar on my face for few days
which he mentioned later, he did it in love.. u know followed bondage method… he watched numerous porns which is fine but should not expect me to be one esp i was not so interested in it before marriage and for this also he said I has so naive and stupid.. I don’t satisfy him… [why the f*** didn’t u ask such Questions before marriage….u asshole…]
When he used to go for party to his friends’ place when I was away, he would not always tell me or pick my phone…
And when i was away for my office party even after telling him… he would call every now and then to check on me and also to show to his mom how awara I am.. which was not really the case but its very easy for him to fool him mom or anybody for that matter….
I m tired of  writing but need to write a lot still, its an ordeal of 4 years. and i want a really peaceful solution to it. i m sure u would have been tired as well reading this… thanks for being so patient…
Initially i studied his family for sometime to really know the kind of people they are and not really complained much… but when i knew their behaviour well and it was beyond me to tolerate, the troubles starting exaggerating….
All through this time, my mom knew everything but for her also the fear of society and also may be things improve will improve with time, she asked me to be patient and not take any extreme steps like divorce etc… and asked me to be quiet.. phew…
His mother despite being nice on some occasions, would directly or indirectly compare me with her elder daughter in law and how much her family (lives 50 kms away) come and  give on every festival which we don’t always coz my mom lives alone and was then a working lady herself  and my brother posted in another city cannot always visit them.
The whole environment of the family was never appealing to me… they had 2 kids and the FIL and my husband would every now and them spit mother f***** , sister f***** in Hindi every now and then and if i objected they would say I didn’t have a father, so I don’t know how men are like…..or I don’t know how to bear with them…
Also before marriage , my husband said that post marriage, we’ll live in a separate house and not with his parent’s which was ok with me as i was not used to this joint family thing esp if there is a huge economic GAP and hence the difference in the lifestyles.  But after marriage he wanted me to leave my job and live with his mother and bhabhi and appreciate the life-style they lead... which I did not like… and so he also developed some hatred for me.
Every once in a while, he and his both parents would complain to my mom about small things which I did instead to talking  about them directly to me, they found this indirect way to trouble my mom, which I did not like…
They never said this openly but would have wanted me to quit my job and spend my life washing clothes and cooking food… they don’t have any other social life expect for talking to their relatives….
My husband had got an overseas posting and I had to leave my really nice job to accompany him and also to see if this marriage works or not…
We both traveled together though my husband did not like to take me as well with him…
Life was new as I had never been abroad before so i was also kind of scared as will esp with the kind of beast my husband can turn every once in a while
After 2 months he started pushing me to find a job as he did not like the fact that he has to work to bear my expenses i.e. to feed me for free… so then began my job search and by god’s grace I did find a job…
Once I got a job, he looked into ways to get me spend the most money and not his…
Also me asked me to contribute some part of my salary towards the shared expenses like food , electricity bills, house rent etc… which I was fine as I never felt any respect for this guy much anyways and didn’t want to live on any mercy...
It’s been 4 years since and we have a 2 year old son, we have more fights and differences than before… and during all this period he had done all to trouble me as much as he could…
It’s not that I never had any happy moment with him but some how when we have a fight or he belittles me or my family i doubt him… was he genuine or playing some dirty tricks….
One year ago we had a big fight and then he strangulated me and I shouted for help , unfortunately no one came to help . And then to prove I was wrong, he called the police and told I was hitting him… just before the police came , he banged his head 3-4 times to wall to show I hit him…
I then called his mother on phone  and told her the kind of animal she has given birth to, in a fit of anger.. [guess that was the last straw to break my neck… ]
He then asked his mother to call my mother and tell her that I hit him and that’s why he called the police… k***** k****…
Though police did not take any action against me but they didn’t really believe me as well, to take any action against him may be coz he made the phone call first ….  but I felt very cheated and helpless at that time especially when I was the real victim and not him … he was very shrewd to have the presence of mind to plan such things.
That time I decided I will not live with this man… I went back to my mother’s place after a month as I had a planned holiday then… and didn’t know what to do…. for the sake of my son, I came back again and also to save some more money for myself and my son in case we need to divorce in future…
Meanwhile when I was away my husband contacted a social worker here and asked her to say that police had asked her to help us decide if we want divorce or live together…
It was nice to have a counselor though unfortunately they don’t have much idea about Indian culture or arrange marriage concept so my husband impressed and influence her with his smooth talks…[my husband is in sales]
and in these sessions, he said my moms family has a strong legal background and is a threat to him and his family as we can trouble him . also we can misuse the Indian dowry law against his family … if I had to do this I had enough true instances to use them and in any case would have done all this and not suffered for these 4 years like a fool….
Also once when we visited India and was at his house, he had beaten me for the fact that I objected to as to why a shirt brought for one of his cousins was not given to him, which his mother said would be given to him when he gets married and not now. Because I objected to what his mother had said… that night I was beaten in front of our 5 month old son and I cried and shouted for help, not even a single person came forward to help me either from the family who could hear everything  or from the tenants who live on 1st floor... I cried and asked them to call the police… and in the morning everyone behaved as though nothing had happened…. I had asked for a taxi in the morning to drop me to my moms place and he went to drop me and shouted outside my mom’s house to humiliate us in front of her neighbors…
I truly hate him and his family and have no respect for any of them and given a choice would never want to see any one of them considering how insensitive they are towards me… just because my husband showers lot of money on them, they would never ever complain…
As of this date… I can bear living with my husband for the sake of my child but still unsure how long this peacefully time will continue…
i don’t like his drinking habits and he does now frequently organise such all men night long parties with other men also visit some red light areas for fun… he says if other people’s wives are not complaining why should you…
Infact at many social gatherings he had made fun of me and also for the fact as to why don’t i drink…
He wants to show to the world as well as to me that he is a better parent that i am…
he keeps saying every now and then that i am a psycho and need a psychiatrist’s help….
he wants me to leave my job as our son will start school next year and there is no transportation to the school… so I’d have to drop/pick him one time or both when he is traveling for work… i am fine with this but the thought that he can do anything to trouble me when he ‘s out of his head also knowing the past, scares the hell out of me…
Though I have not written a lot of other horrifying stories… but please feel free to ask if you need to ask anything…
Kindly advise if i should continue to live with him or plan an amicable separation. Or if I am wrong in any way, please advise me a suitable course of action as I feel miserable… more so my mom now curses herself for having let this happened to me  :( she feels its because of her….. i love my son a lot and don’t wish to part ways with him…
i don’t know what the laws are and how much money and time will it cost…..
 I have to visit India in a months time and I am sure if  I would have to visit his family for sure… i have not gone there since 2 years… but I know whenever i  visit there, it will not be a nice experience any ways and what scares me most is that it doesn’t result in more fights and embarrassing or horrifying or humiliating experiences for me… kindly advise on this as well...
waiting for your sincere advise and guidance on the same…..
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101 thoughts on “An email: If I am wrong in any way, please advise me a suitable course of action as I feel miserable..

  1. lady, first, heres a hug for you… and now, for advice… GET OUT as soon as ur feet can carry you. please. when women like u live thru emotional and physical abuse, they are not just harming themselves. they are harming their children, and they are used as “examples” by other men who want to do the same things to their wives, and those wives in turn, feel more complacent about “adjusting” because, after all, you have done it too. STOP ruining all those lives along with urself. please . get. out.

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    • Just take the step and get out. Infact you should not even be doubting your course of action because it’s really not worth it both for yourself and your child. An educated independent woman like you will surely find a way forward and that would be a much better life. Take care

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  2. Run. Now. Your husband seems to have repeatedly abused you physically. This man will not change, doesn’t want to change – and what is more, you don’t have to bear the burden of changing him. Yes, Indian society is conservative, but divorce is no longer the end of the world.

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    • Rightly said Aparna, “You don’t have to bear the burden of changing him.”
      No, it is not your job at all. His bringing up had been by his parents and was over when he turned an adult. A marriage is two adults starting life together. He has to bring an “acceptable himself” into a marriage if he wishes that marriage to succeed.

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  3. OMG, I HATE this society which makes women go through such hell. WHY should anyone remain in such a horrible marriage? And no one comes to help when you are being beaten up? The husband here seems to be the owner of a devious mind, planning and shifting blame to tell the police that the wife hit him. This man is positively dangerous. Like someone has already said, “get out” NOW!

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  4. I think she should leave him…What is she scared of? She’s financially independent and I’m sure after living through so much abuse, she can live through a few taunts by family and neighbours…

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    • At least those taunts from family or neighbors will not hurt physically. One can ignore and live one’s life. So much better than living with an abuser and his family.

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  5. Run, woman. Later, it will be too late. It already is, as there is a child involved. Run, though, before you get too old to have the courage to break away and your spirit breaks. My heart goes out to you.

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  6. It is this simple. The man has physically and emotionally harmed you on many occasions and you sound miserable. There are only two reasons I can see why you should stay in the marriage:

    1. You really really love the guy and want to work it out somehow. There are very few cases in which this works and you don’t sound like you really really love him anyway.
    2. You would be financially incapable of supporting yourself and your son if you left.
    3. You are afraid that you would not be granted custody of your son if you left.

    For 2., I guess you need to work on getting yourself into a decent financial position. It might involve lifestyle cuts but you will be happier.
    For 3, if you are in a Western country try and contact one of the Asian women’s help groups and get some advice. It seems like your husband puts a lot of thought into his actions, so why don’t you do some planning as well.

    Reasons such as my mother will be embarrassed, my son will be without a father (he will not be without a father; his father will remain his father and involved in his life if he chooses to be), sanctity of marriage etc. are not real reasons to stay in an unhappy relationship that could in the end put your life and your son’s life in danger at worst and make you and your son miserable at best.

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  7. There is only one solution to this problem. Leave him, go back to your mother’s house with your child, find a job and be independent. Life is too short to even spend one minute with a person you hate, and who has been physically and emotionally abusive towards you. Don’t visit his family. Your first step when you reach India is to contact a good lawyer and find out what your rights are. Second you should go to the police and recount all the physical abuse that you have faced. People like your husband never change. He sounds like a bully and a coward. If you don’t take action against him there will be no change in your situation and no end to your suffering.

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    • Run like hell, lady ! Your husband will not change and I am already imagining what kind or person your son will grow into , if you don’t leave now.. Its not a pretty thought. I learnt this from a friend who was in an abusive relationship. She went to the police AS SOON AS she was beat up. Her wounds were fresh and she was bleeding, the evidence was right in front of the police. No mistaking it , she got immediate protection !
      You need help, girl ! Exercise your rights and seek legal help. Don’t let this marinate , please get out ! For all of our sakes …

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  8. Also, get a good lawyer who can advice you on the specifics. If you are ok with mentioning the city you are based in, maybe even the readers here can refer/suggest someone?

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  9. Ok, here is the truth.
    You are abused and it is not your fault, the abuser is choosing to abuse you.

    There is no marriage. What divine sign do you need to get out alive? Your son needs a mother with him not in a picture on the wall. If you are alive then you can do the mothering but if you are dead or mentally impaired due to extreme abuse you’ll amount to nothing.

    You need to protect your self, go and get your tested to sexually transmitted diseases. Insist on using protection during sex. Man with money is not a good preposition in this case.

    You are doing everything RIGHT but it doesn’t matter, he’ll find some or the other excuse to abuse you.
    read these links carefully:
    How Abuse Begins?
    http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/how-abuse-begins/

    Emotional Abuse
    http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/emotional-abuse/

    Cycle of Violence
    http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/cycle-of-violence/

    Abused: What You Can Do?
    http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/what-you-can-do/

    http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/06/17/desi-marriage-eligible-or-ineligible-question/

    …It is important for conjugal kin to keep the new bride isolated or else she’ll discover the skeletons hidden in their closets and the facade they have put up. Secondly, she’ll develop a support system that could help her if she needed to stand up against the atrocities of her in-laws… THIS IS WHAT THEY DID TO YOU.
    http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/08/02/633/

    Before you land in India you need to do some homework and prep work.
    http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/what-you-can-do/

    Find a non profit working with victims of domestic violence in your neighborhood, make an appointment or walk in and record your statement. If nothing else call national DV helpline 1-800-799-7233.
    Or tell DG where you are based I’ll give you the contact information of organizations there and contact persons.

    And for your information BDSM does not comprise just of slap on the face it is more complex sexual behavior and requires consenting partners or else it is rape.

    There is a lot I can write but the fact is nothing matters coz’ you have to come to acceptance that you are abused and it is not your fault AND
    YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO LIVE FREE OF ABUSE AND WALK OUT IF ABUSE DOES NOT STOP.

    NOBODY CAN SAVE YOU BUT YOU.

    NEXT TIME HE LAYS HAND ON YOU CALL 911. KEEP A LOG OF ABUSE, TELL SOMEONE AT WORK WHAT IS GOING ON. YOUR HR IS EQUIPPED TO HELP YOU.

    EXPOSING A CHILD TO MARITAL ABUSE IS CONSIDERED CHILD NEGLECT AND ABUSE IN THESE COUNTRIES.

    Abuse will not stop because there is no incentive or detriment for the abuser to stop abusing.

    Feel free to get in touch if you have any question.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

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    • “nobody can save you but you”. The email writer has taken the first step in this direction by writing this email. I hope with all the sensible comments unanimously supporting the decision to take a divorce asap, she is able to find the strength to take the next step and get out of this cycle of abuse.

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    • EXPOSING A CHILD TO MARITAL ABUSE IS CONSIDERED CHILD NEGLECT AND ABUSE IN THESE COUNTRIES.

      This^. I want to tell all the abused people with children still living in abusive relationships. It makes me so angry when they think they are doing this for the sake of their children. Your children are better off with their abusive parent (even if the parent is not abusive to the child). You are doing more harm to the child by staying in the abusive relationship. It normalizes the abuse to the children. That is never right.

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    • Couldn’t have said it better.

      All of what girlsguidetosurvival said is so true. I completely agree to the record keeping, confiding in a trusted coworker or friend and most of all the suggestion to get tested for any sexually transmitted diseases.

      Talk to a couple of people maybe a friend or neighbor and a trusted coworker, so that there proof of abuse and corroboration as well.

      Have a safety plan in place, some money in cash, small bills, a change of clothes for you and your son, copies of documents, spare set of keys etc.
      There are cases of women who have been forced to leave home with their kids in the middle of the night, so be prepared for that, I do hope that it never gets to that for you, but there is nothing wrong in being prepared for all possibilities. Know where and who you will go to in the middle of the night, have the names and addresses of a taxi service and always enough money on person, either tied to a dupatta or end of saree or stashed in the pocket of your jeans for you to be able to make a couple of phone calls to ask for help.

      Talk to a DV agency and have a trained DV volunteer accompany you to the cops and tell them. Cops who have training in domestic violence know who the dominant aggressor is in a fight.

      If you decide to leave, don’t worry about the custody of your child, get a good lawyer and he/she can help you get primary custody of your child.

      Also do not worry about “breaking up the home”, your husband has already done that, it is only wise to move from the ruins and start afresh. Divorce does not mean that your husband will cease to be a father to your son unless he wants no part in your son’s life ( even if he wants so part in raising the kid, he may still be on the hook for child support and payments are automatically deducted by the employer and sent to the child’s primary custodian sometimes).
      Your child is still very young, so do not worry about how your leaving his father will affect him immediately. There are scores of kids whose fathers work in jobs that take them away from home for days, weeks or even months.

      Most importantly, secure your financial future, you can do all of the above easily if you have a steady stream of income.

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  10. In retrospect, you were so busy on finding an ideal man, you ignored normal BGC. People who smoke and drink are not necessarily evil, and it should not really be the first thing you look for in a man. That’s in the past, ofc.

    What to do now? Ofcourse you’ll leave, but first, make some decisions.

    Will you stay in India? This is important because you might find US less hostile towards a divorced single mother, which brings us to the second question.
    Do you want to take your child with you? Be advised that if you do, your chances of getting remarried in India are nil. So make the decision carefully.
    Are you looking for alimony?
    Do you intend to press charges?
    If you are not, you could look for an amicable separation. Ofcourse, you should stay away from him when you seek divorce, otherwise you will be in physical danger.

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  11. Please sister-.. don’t waste a minute – even a second more than it is needed (and it is not needed) .. just get out of this – as soon as you can .. get started with a new life in a small way.. rest of the things will fall in place slowly..

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  12. Those who have read my comments before on this blog know that I NEVER advocate divorce. But in your case my dear, RUN!!!! You have already lost 4 precious years of your life, now is the time to pack your bags and go back to your mom with your son.

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    • I agree. Divorce should be the last option – when one has exhausted all others, and there is no way the relationship can be saved. In this case, I don’t see any relationship at all. Living in fear, lack of companionship, mental and physical abuse,taking full control of your life…. what else is left?

      Like Nova, this is one of those rare cases when my heart says – ‘Divorce is better than trying to work on the marriage’ – simply because it takes TWO to build a relationship. If the other person is a cunning, mean, abusive – and worst, not willing to change, he/she is just nor worth it.

      Please read your own email as an outsider – Just step out of yourself – and judge what would be the better choice. I am sure that your inner voice would say exactly what most of us have said over here…

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  13. Hey. I am very impressed by how patiently you have handled the situation so far! But, it’s time to get out of that poisonous atmosphere. That man is a calculating sociopath. He will stoop to any level to show people that he is good and you are bad, and then treat you like dirt in private. Your son does not need such a father figure. I’d really advise you to go to your mom, get a job and raise your kid.

    If your husband asks you to come back with sweet talk, be strict as well as demand the dowry money back. Also, after coming back to India, seek legal advice at once as to ways how they could demand your son back from you. Be pro-active and cut off all their routes. Don’t go near your in-laws again. No kid deserves such monster grand parents.

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      • But her mom is here, and from her mail, it seems she is very supportive. Plus, her in-laws might file for custody of her son in an Indian court. Her husband seems very devious, and can stoop to any level. Since she had gone with her husband while unemployed, she might not have a work visa there.

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      • @Smruti Rekha,

        Mom or no mom ultimately it is your fight and you have to fight it. Your loved one love you and commiserate with you but they have no clue what you are going through.

        But ultimate decision is her’s to make. To stay or to leave. Stay abroad come back what ever.

        It is easy for all of us to say walk away, she’ll do that only when she is ready and confident. That she cannot do anything more to change the situation into a positive one. A woman makes 8-9 attempts before she actually leaves her abuser for good.

        IT WON’T BE EASY BUT IT WON’T BE IMPOSSIBLE.
        Peace,
        Desi Girl

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      • @Desi Girl The very fact that she is one of the few emails on this blog who wrote “Kindly advise if i should continue to live with him or plan an amicable separation.” gives me hope.

        She is educated and well-informed, and realises that bad things have been done to her, over which she has no responsibility. In such situations, it is common for the victim to think that it must somehow be her/his fault. She is also willing to consider an amiable situation, which is more than half the battle won.

        I really liked this lady’s mail because she is willing and able to visualise a non-abusive future of her own, away from her husband. I am seriously impressed, and I’m sure she has a good life ahead of her.🙂 She adjusted to her after- marriage life, but did not give up her own views.

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  14. I’m really sorry you have to go through this trauma.

    if you think you are staying in this hell, please think again; you are setting your son up to believe that men are like this, Indian families and society is like this, and women will adjust even if they don’t like it.

    * you could be perpetuating the vicious cycle of abuse… children of abusers have a greater chance of becoming abusers themselves.

    * even if children of abusers don’t become one themselves, they grow up in an unhealthy atmosphere, and think that this is even if undesirable, it is acceptable.

    * children in homes where there is friction between parents are emotionally traumatised, and this often leads to physical and behavioral problems.

    * also very often, they end up blaming the parents, and often the mother, for keeping them in an emotionally volatile situation, and end up rejecting the parents.

    nothing about the current situation benefits your child. he will be better off growing up with a strong mother who can live the values she believes in.

    as for society, think of moving away so it’s influence in your decisions making is less – you live away as it is. make a new and happier life for yourself.
    and on a side-note, a person is much more than just a ‘smoker’ or ‘drinker.’ don’t be in a hurry to judge someone by a label or habit.

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  15. Reading this story i feel sick. I can imagine how much pain that gives to you…

    My only suggestion is GET OUT of this relation as soon as possible. You are not a dependent..You have your own career. I still can’t understand what you are expecting from him. He is such a jerk!!! After facing all these you still expect him to change???

    Be brave!!! Be confident…Think about your SON….What’s the guarantee that he wont hurt your son also??

    Take care sweetheart.. Be safe..Play safe and get rid of him.

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  16. Getting out of this hell is the only solution. But you need to do the background work before leaving. From your description, the husband seems to be very cunning and chauvinistic. He might not agree for an amicable separation and might make life more miserable for you. So without him knowing, get in touch with a domestic abuse victim help line and see what they have to suggest. You said the police didnt seem to believe your version when they came, do you have any sort of physical evidence, medical record or someone who can vouch for to prove that you have been abused? If not, then you should really think about it. My non-legal mind says you might need some sort of proof to make a strong case. I am almost sure the in-laws won’t stand by you.
    You have a job, seem to be financially independent, and deep inside you know divorce is the only option. Why are you afraid then? Are you afraid that the blame will go to your mother? people will say that she failed to raise you properly? are you afraid that people will say this happened because you father was not there to take care of you? Remember these are the same people who didn’t come to help when you were being beaten up. So do you really care what those people think or say? Your mother may be against your divorce in the beginning, but that might be solely because of the ‘people’. I can imagine how it might have been for her to raise children as a single mother. You don’t want her struggles to go in vain, do you? She brought up her children hoping for a bright and happy future for them, didn’t she? She would want her daughter to be happy, but she might be afraid of ‘the people’, so you will have to talk to her and convince her, she will understand.
    Do you really think it is healthy and appropriate for your son to grow up in an abusive and unhappy home? Aren’t you aware that witnessing abuse when they are young can traumatize and impair personality development in children?
    And finally if the husband had been straying, go and get yourself tested for STD. Don’t put your health at risk.
    Remember if a relationship is making you this miserable and making you write such a heart breaking letter, then it is not worth holding on to. There is nothing left to hold on to!

    Like

    • Yes, like BlueHornbill suggested, you need to do some background work. You need to document all the instances of abuse (like Desi Girl suggested). Not only do you have to keep notes on dates and times and what he said/did. If possible take photos of your bruises and all that. I’m sure if you contact a domestic violence help line, they would give you more advice on what all you need to document.

      Please take care. This is not your fault. There is nothing here to save. You need to leave and be free of abuse. You deserve respect and love from your partner not abuse.

      Like

  17. reading all this just brought back memories of bad days when my parents were together. Believe me when I say this, that as your son grows up, he WILL sense that something is really wrong between his parents. children are really smart that way! They know when something is wrong. Even if you take care of hiding things and fights from them. And just image the impact it will have on his mind. Seeing his dad beat up his mom in front of him is not a pleasant sight. If you are worried how he will deal with separation, don’t be! He will deal with separation/divorce better than what he will in a abusive home. Saying this from experience: Having no dad around is 100 times better than having an abusive dad.

    Get out of the marriage now! For yourself and for your son. I cannot be emphatic enough about this. You seriously don’t want to waste precious years of your life living with such a beast. And to hell with society and what people/your family will say. Seriously, I mean all those things are not worth thinking about when your physical safety and peace of mind is concerned. Please, make up your mind and contact a good lawyer and a police person (to lodge a complaint and get the paperwork from them to support your case) and get to know the best way to get a divorce from him with minimum hassle.

    Last but not the least, lots of hugs to you and lots of strength to be strong and take the right step towards a happier life!

    Like

  18. I felt such a blinding rage reading this. How much abuse must a woman take before before the fear of the society pales into insignificance in the face of such horrifying, unrelenting trauma. What the hell kind of society is this that forces young people trapped in such hopelessly traumatic conditions to stay put?

    Run for your life, dear lady. You are exposing yourself and your son to life-threatening situations by staying on in this sham of a marriage. Nothing in the world is worth more than your life and sanity—run while you still have them.

    Like

    • I felt exactly the same, I mean what does it take for an educated woman to understand.. she is being abused(physically!!!) and that she needs to protect herself from it ASAP. 4 years of abuse is such a long time to remain indecisive even for a financially dependent woman, forget abt a woman with a job that too abroad( more liberated/woman friendly )!!! Bums me!!

      But when i tried to see it from her side ..i understood why she is keeping up with the abuse.. she was a girl who grew up in a patriarchal society with out a father and she doesn’t want to do the same for her kid….!!! IM SO SORRY TO SAY THAT SHE GOT IT ALL MIXED. HER HUSBAND IS NEVER GOING TO BE THE FATHER THAT SHE IMAGINED HER FATHER WOULD HAVE BEEN TO HER. He is a scum bag who would end up like his own father if not any worse..!! So, Woman you tell me, do u want go thru this abuse and put ur son also thru torture of a bad father? Why ???all this for societal pressure??? Your son wud never forgive you if u do so.. HE DIDN’T ASK FOR IT . He deserves a normal childhood..nd yes he will find himself a father figure that he actually looks up to( it cud be anybody) . if you cant find one for yourself.. You r still young with a lot of your life ahead to look forward to.. Please i Request you to act brave , swim against the tide for once.. for your son’s sake..!! We are all with you.❤

      Like

  19. Dear writer,

    My advice to you would be the same as what the majority of readers have suggested. Based on your description of the events of your marriage, I see no reasonable option apart from divorce. Barring a miracle, there is no hope of making this marriage work. As a result of an unfortunate set of circumstances and unwise decisions, you are now stuck in a situation from which the only escape is the exit door.

    But do not panic! You still have a long life ahead of you, and you are healthy from both a mental and physical point of view. You have everything you need, and are in a position to take your destiny in your own hands.

    If you decide to get a divorce, let me offer some practical advice which may help you out.

    You have not mentioned which country you are currently in, and where you were married. I am first assuming you live abroad, and we will then look at the other scenario.

    If your marriage is subject to Canadian, British or Australian jurisdiction, my advice would be to find a good lawyer, and apply for divorce immediately. Make no attempts at an “amicable” resolution because it will do you no good. Demand custody of your child, and file parallel suits for harassment, physical abuse and child neglect. I will not go into the specifics, but I can tell you that your case is likely to be very secure, considering that you can provide for the child financially and can offer a better environment to raise him in.

    If your marriage is subject to US jurisdiction, your course of action will depend on the state you are in.

    If your marriage is subject to Indian jurisdiction, (that is, if you were married in India), you should still go ahead and apply for divorce as quickly as possible, but it is extremely important that you apply under a category RECOGNIZED by Indian law. This includes physical and/or mental cruelty, adultery and irretrievable breakdown of marriage. This does NOT include the no-fault divorce which is valid in many Western jurisdictions.

    If the grounds under which you claim divorce are not recognized under Indian law, your divorce will be invalidated the moment you return to India.

    If at all possible, do not return to India to file divorce. Doing it in a Western country has many advantages. You will save a huge amount of time, not to mention harassment.

    But if you must return to India, waste no time. Your husband’s family will contest your claims. Do not bow to them. Highlight the physical abuse. Highlight the fact that your husband was adulterous, and visited prostitutes.

    If you press criminal charges of harassment and assault, you will be questioned by the police and the prosecution service. Do not lie to them, but do not mince words. Don’t hide anything. They are there to help you, and can do their job the best when they know all the facts.

    In your spare time, find a notebook, and write down as much information as you can recall. Write down all the dates. Write down the specifics of how you were assaulted, how he harassed you, what he said to you on what day. You will be questioned on these things, and it would help you and your lawyer a lot if you could actually lay out all the facts in a logical sequence. Needless to say, do this in a safe place, well away from him.

    Finally, let me come to the most important point:

    DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB.

    Whatever happens, continue to work. You MUST have a regular source of income that he cannot cut off. If you have a joint account, get a separate one and transfer your salary to that. If you are abroad and need to move back to India, try your level best to find a job there. See if your brother can assist you.

    Divorce is a big decision in a society like ours, but you are no ordinary woman. You are an immensely brave woman, an immensely STRONG person, and have demonstrated that you can take the most vicious abuse without breaking apart. For someone that mentally strong, there is nothing in the world that is impossible and very few things that are difficult.

    Think of your son, having to grow up in such a toxic environment. Think of yourself, battered and harassed for no reason at all. Think of your mother, tortured by guilt. None of you need this monster in your lives. Get rid of him and his family before it is too late, and you will always thank yourself for eternity. It may seem hard now, but it may well prove to be the very best decision of your life.

    Here is a big virtual hug from me. God knows you need it.

    Like

    • A couple of other things my wife thought of:

      If you are going to press charges, ask those colleagues to help out. You mentioned that they knew about the ordeal.

      Ask them to write down any evidence of physical abuse that they saw (slap marks and such) and if at all possible, ask them to put dates on the events. Tell them to write why they believed this was physical abuse, and not accidental injuries. Why did they think it was abuse? Did they see you upset? Were the physical injuries consistent with assault?
      Basically, get a written testimony from them and see if they will agree to testify on your behalf in court should they need to.

      If your son witnessed the abuse, he may be asked to testify. Do not resist this. Children are handled by specially trained professionals who take care not to upset the child in any way. Your son’s testimony could be invaluable.

      Collect any medical records for injuries that you had to get treated because of his assault. If you do not have any, that’s alright. But if you do, they can almost immediately clinch the case in your favor.

      Think about things and see if you can find other ways to demonstrate abuse. Any photographs with bruises, scars, that sort of thing.

      Your attorney will be able to offer you more advice on how to go about proving abuse, but this should be a start.

      Like

  20. The only wrong thing that I feel you have done is that of bearing it and of not moving out. I know it is easy to say, leave the relationship but I am sure it can be worst than the kind of life you are living.
    I fail to understand why are you bearing everything because in your mail I can not for even once see that he has loved for you or cared for you.
    What is making you continue with the relastionship?
    The fear of society & neighbours?
    The same people who are not bothered to help you even when they hear your cries of
    help?
    A better future for your son?
    Am sure he will only be scared & scarred for life if he sees you getting abused by your son.
    Move out!
    Himmat Karo!

    Like

  21. “I can bear living with my husband for the sake of my child but still unsure how long this peacefully time will continue…” Despite going through all that she did she still feels she can bear to live with him?? How much more disturbing can it get? This clearly shows how dangerously ingrained the social conditioning is in us. Else why would an educated woman, who’s financially secure, who can fend for herself and her child still hesitate to take that step out of an abusive relationship and make a worthy life of her own,which she has every right to? To be honest I was hoping that there would not be any child involved, but as expected I was wrong😦.

    This man is dangerous and needs to be reported. I would strongly advice the girl to get out of there with her child at the earliest. Its very important that she and every woman who goes through abuse- physical, mental, emotional, of any kind- understands that she is not doing anything wrong by walking out on him…for heaven’s sake she is not wrong, SHE IS THE WRONGED!!

    Me – Yes Deeps, I also notice how reluctant women are to divorce, and how unsure of their right to live a peaceful and safe life.

    Like

  22. Dear Friend, do not think twice. Be out of this marriage. Period. There is nothing for you in this marriage. This guy doesn’t respect or love you, why should you continue living in torture. You deserve a better life.

    Like

  23. there’s need to be little streetsmart dear otherwise people will walk all over you. it appears your personality is bit introvert and you easily say yes to impress others. this is why you accepted marriage even though you discovered the truth and was against it.

    the devil would take time to leave someone he has grown comfortable in exploiting. therefore imo, you should start inputting in your husbands brain that you want to leave him amicably and this is best for both than living a irreversibly damaged marriage.

    though happened abroad, ur problems can only be addressed in indian context; maybe once you visit here. there are so many laws in india against domestic violence and dowry, but honestly no legal body wants to take a decision in matrimonial matters and want to offer effective and quick assistance with rehabilitation.

    the best you can do by law is to issue your spouse a legal notice documenting all miseries as put above and ask him to justify why you should lead a life together. whether or not he replies, i recommend you certainly ask a amicable resolution/mutual separation. life’s lesson will make you stronger and certainly u’ll make far smarter choices in future. good luck , keep posting !

    Like

  24. I have been away from blogospere for a few days.
    Returning to read this harrowing account is really distressing.
    Normally persons of my age would be advising patience.
    But this case is exceptional and I find myself agreeing with the advice everyone is giving.
    My suggestion is that you plan your moves carefully and also confidentially seek professional advice and collect facts, material and evidence before taking the critical final step of serving notice on your husband and in-laws.
    If the treatment being meted out to you now is so bad, imagine how they will behave after you serve notice.
    Ensure your financial independence and shelter and personal security before taking the final irrevocable step. You must be able to move out of their house after you serve notice.
    In the meantime take all precautions to avoid another pregnancy and also be safe from sexually transmitted diseases. Get your mother to agree by persuading her. You will need her support.

    May God be with you.
    Regards
    GV

    Like

  25. Something tells me that this writer will not leave this man because she is not willing to brave social stigma and is afraid of “log kya kahenge”.

    She admits that she hates him and would leave if she could. What is stopping her?

    It appears as if her husband is already building up a “case”.

    He’s called the police alleging violence, he’s involved a social worker and the counsellor appears to favour him as well.

    There are scores of South Asian women’s support groups in the US and the UK.

    All this writer needs to do is to reach out to them. She’s not in India, and that makes ALL the difference.

    In the US and the UK, divorce is MUCH easier and more equitable than it is in India.

    I just hope that this writer happens to reside in a Western country — the cops and the judicial system will be as impartial as can be hoped.

    Like

    • BIW,

      In my opinion, he has no case.

      He’s gotten himself into hot soup thanks to his own idiocy. His interest at this point would not be to drag his wife to court, but to avoid an actual trial at all costs. If the writer presses charges and the case makes it to trial, it’s pretty much game over for him.
      If I were him, I’d try my level best to get an out-of-court settlement, pay whatever was required and set the writer on her way. Of course, if they’re both interested in custody of their son, that would not be an option.

      If the writer files for divorce in a Commonwealth country (UK, Aus, Canada), I would be very surprised if she gets anything less than sole custody of the child. With a history of physical abuse, wild partying and a family environment that is hardly conducive to raising a child, he’d be lucky to not have his access terminated entirely.

      I’m not familiar enough with US laws to comment, but I assume they are similar to Commonwealth laws.

      It is only in India that this could get a little tricky.

      The idea I’m getting from this post is that this man is basically trying to cover his own sorry behind. He’s playing a very dangerous (and stupid) game.

      Denying a criminal act is not a prosecutable offense in most jurisdictions, but falsely accusing someone else of committing a crime can be grounds for all sorts of charges, from fraud to perjury. Depending on where they live and whether or not he filed documentation to that effect, it could even be a felony and could lead to serious jail time.

      As for the social worker, it seems that he lied to her as well. Law enforcement officers, even Indian ones, are trained to see through these kind of obvious tricks at first sight.

      You know, this guy really is a bad sort and he fits a pattern. You can see it. He’s got no sense of ethics, no empathy. He is completely self-centered and the only thing that matters to him is himself. He’s not a psychopath though, because he’s shit-scared of getting hurt too.
      I used to see guys like him all the time in my youngster days, when I worked in a small practice in Canada, and the less said about them the better. He’s going to get worse and worse until he does something really bad, and finds himself in an orange jumpsuit, unofficially designated as some 6ft 9inch tall convict’s “wife” in federal prison. Seriously.
      That’s when these guys get some sense knocked into them. But of course, by then, it’s far too late.

      What a narcissistic a-hole.

      Like

      • PT,
        I had a question. Can one still press charges if one has no proof of physical abuse?

        I ask because a close friend of mine did not press charges against his abusive wife because he had no evidence.

        He is in the US, so has now filed for (no-fault) divorce anyway, but I felt bad that he could not press charges.

        He was afraid that he would not be believed anyway, him being a man, but that’s another matter.

        Similarly, can this writer still file criminal charges if she has no proof of violence or intimidation?

        Also, is a no-fault divorce not recognised by Indian courts? Your previous comment confused me a little, as I thought that the US and India had a reciprocal recognition of marriage and divorce.

        Thanks a tonne. Your previous comment was very useful.🙂

        Like

      • @biwo,

        Yes, domestic abuse need not be just physical. Before physical abuse ensues a lots of breaking of person takes place and that is called emotional and mental abuse, both are prosecutable. They need lots of strong documentation.
        Ask you friend to catalog all incidences, report it to some NGO, find a physician and get all health related issues checked coz’ all are related to high stress, if possible get tested for PTSD.
        Recording and Reporting of abuse is crucial. The non profit that work with domestic violence do not discriminate against men. Here we have shelters for abused men too.
        Now that your friend has already filed irreconcilable difference as divorce cause ask him to get over with it and move on. He can file civil suit for damages etc but that is too painfully lengthy process. Get over it and move on…
        Peace,
        Desi Girl

        Like

      • The standard of proof that’s required for prosecution is GENERALLY “beyond reasonable doubt”.

        What constitutes “beyond reasonable doubt” depends on the relevant case-law, precedents, and the laws themselves. It varies from one jurisdiction to another.

        In some jurisdictions, the standards of evidence are relaxed a bit if the complainant does not file criminal charges but only places on record domestic violence as grounds for divorce. Things such as a personal journal which details the abused partner’s experiences are sometimes considered valid evidence of abuse (especially emotional abuse) in a divorce suit, but they will certainly not suffice in a trial. This is based on the idea that things like emotional abuse are very hard to judge, and if one of the two partners FEELS they are being emotionally abused, there is no real point in preserving the marriage. Of course, the same reasoning cannot be used in a trial – the standards must remain stringent there.

        If your friend had no evidence at all, depending on where he lived, he could still possibly have claimed abuse as a reason for claiming a divorce, although this would probably not have benefited him all that much (unless a large payout was involved).

        That said, pressing charges without evidence is something that you are always free to do. If you have been wronged by a person, you do not need to have evidence to go to the police and file a complaint. It is the job of the local prosecution authority (such as the Public Prosecution Service of Canada, and the Judicial Service in India) to decide whether the case has enough merit to take it to court. This tends to be a bit of a judgement call, but most agencies try to standardize the procedure.

        The CPS in the UK uses the so-called “Full Code Test”, which involves the public prosecution team satisfying themselves that there is enough usable evidence to result in a likely conviction in front of an impartial, unbiased court/bench/jury which acts fully in accordance with law. There are more specifics to it, but that is the crux. Most countries use a similar procedure.

        The point is that the complainants themselves cannot be expected to apply this test, because they do not have the requisite knowledge. It is simply not their job. Therefore, if you have been harmed by another person, or believe that you have just cause for pressing charges, you must always do so, and leave the evidence gathering to the police. It helps to be proactive and gather evidence yourself but it is not absolutely essential.

        Regarding the no-fault divorce, there is some amount of debate on the issue, but the short answer is, no it’s not valid in India. Here’s why:

        The Hindu Marriage Act (and also the Special Marriage Act, Christian Marriage Act, Parsi Marriage and Divorce Act and so on) does not in itself contain provisions for foreign judgements, and India is not a party to the Hague Convention. Therefore, the validity of a foreign judgement on a divorce claim derives from Section 13 of the Civil Procedure Code which says:

        A foreign judgment shall be conclusive as to any matter thereby directly adjudicated upon between the same parties or between parties under whom they or any of them claim litigating under the same title except-

        (a) where it has not been pronounced by a Court of competent jurisdiction;

        (b) where it has not been given on the merits of the case;

        (c) where it appears on the face of the proceedings to be founded on an incorrect view of international law or a refusal to recognise the law of
        1[India] in cases in which such law is applicable;

        (d) where the proceedings in which the judgment was obtained are opposed to natural justice;

        (e) where it has been obtained by fraud;

        (f) where it sustains a claim founded on a breach of any law in force in 1[India].

        This means that a divorce obtained abroad will be valid within the Union of India as long as it doesn’t conflict with Indian laws.

        Unfortunately, a no-fault divorce does conflict with Indian laws, which do not provide for, or recognize, any such remedy.

        In general, for a foreign divorce decree to be valid in India, it must be granted for reasons that are valid under Indian law.

        This is of course only the general view. The thing is, litigation across countries can be extremely complicated, with a whole bunch of other issues cropping up (immigration, custody, the child’s citizenship status, property settlements, alimony rules and so on). It is complex to the point that there are very few set patterns, if any, and every case has to be treated as a fresh one. Understanding and getting a “feel” for possible outcomes across national jurisdictions is not a project, it’s a career.

        My wife has spent a lifetime in international corporate law (which is easier than family law, because most of the laws are covered by various conventions). Most of the time, a divorce attorney who has to deal with this sort of case will just be kind of playing it by the ear – trying to get favorable judgements at each step instead of chalking out some kind of master plan. Sometimes, that’s the only way.

        Like

      • Replying to PT’s reply (March 22, 11.37pm).

        Thanks a lot PT — I’m extremely grateful that you took so much time and patience to respond.

        My friend’s divorce lawyer in Virginia had categorically told him that US divorce decrees were recognised by Indian courts so he no cause for worry.

        So, this is a little unsettling, to say the least.

        One last question, if I may ask that — would my friend be able to remarry in India if the US divorce is not recognised by Indian law?

        Would he need an Indian divorce to remarry here? I guess yes, right?

        There are no child custody, property or alimony issues since it was a short-term (5 years) marriage and the soon-to-be-ex-wife plans to return to India.

        Please don’t respond if you don’t wish to. I know this is off-topic and don’t wish to take the spotlight off the Letter Writer.

        Heartfelt thanks once again, PT. This information will really help my friend a lot.

        Like

      • No worries.

        I’m a bit puzzled as to why the divorce lawyer said that. It is possible that he has more up-to-date information than I do, since he probably litigates in family courts all the time. The rules may have changed.

        It is also possible that he is unaware of the caveat.

        My best advice to your friend would be to raise the issue with the lawyer and get an assurance. If it turns out that the lawyer is right, it’s all very well. If turns out that he was unaware of this rule, he can chalk out a new plan of action, and a disaster will be averted.

        There have been a few high-profile cases of this kind of thing happening recently (last I heard was in 2009, I think). In this case, the wife was not a US citizen, and as the visa had expired, could not come to the US in time for the proceedings. The divorce was therefore obtained ex-parte (completely legal in most US states -this one was in Illinois- if one of the partners cannot be present). The Bombay High Court, however, refused to accept an ex-parte divorce as valid.

        Regarding your question, that’s correct. If the divorce is indeed not recognized by Indian courts, your friend will find himself open to a bigamy suit (and possibly, fraud) if he remarries.

        Like I said – ask the lawyer, make sure he knows the laws properly, and if he says it’s all good, go ahead.

        Funnily enough, Indian family lawyers have started using a classic technique pioneered in 1950s America (back when divorce was as tough there as it is here) to obtain a quick divorce for young urban couples who just don’t get on with each other. It goes like this:

        The wife goes out to “visit” a friend (who establishes the fact that she was in fact, out of the house). She returns home at a predetermined time and “finds” her husband with another woman (usually an actor who is carefully instructed to do what the attorney tells her to do).

        Enter the divorce lawyer.

        The wife alleges adultery (a lie, but who’s to check?). She wants a divorce.

        The gallant lawyer uses his amazing cross-examination skills and pushes the husband in a corner.

        The husband, tired out from having to keep a straight face, pleads guilty. The actor backs him up (while looking suitably regretful).

        The wife bursts into tears and claims she is too shattered to press charges. Husband scratches his head and claims he is repentant.

        Lawyer shakes his head, and bows to the court. His case is done.

        Disgusted judge passes a few comments on the moral decadence of the young, grants a divorce and hands a minor fine to hubby dear. End of marriage, double quick. They can even be friends afterwards.

        A family lawyer friend told me about this trend about a month ago, causing me to nearly choke on a pinacolada. I did not believe him, but it’s true, and many judges are even aware of it. But they can do bugger all about it.

        Talk about courtroom drama.

        Like

      • Replying to PT @ March 23, 3.31 pm.

        Thanks a lot PT — I’ve asked my friend to ask his lawyer about this. I’ve also asked him to write to some South Asian DV non-profits in his area. I’m hoping that one of these would also be able to help him.

        Thanks a tonne again — my friend was completely unaware of this and hadn’t even thought along those lines.

        Like

    • Biwo, I agree with everything you say, except that she doesn’t want to leave him. I think the Letter_Writer wants to make sure whether what she feels is right and justified. She is worried if there is some problem in her own thinking because of absence of a father-figure, especially with the gaslighting techniques the husband’s family used to shut her up: “if i objected they would say I didn’t have a father, so I don’t know how men are like…..or I don’t know how to bear with them” I am sure she will leave him with all the unanimous replies to this post. Plus, from all the replies, she will know what to do before leaving him. There are websites that help in planning the “Exit Strategy” even for non-abusive marriages.

      Like

      • I know STF. I understand what prolonged abuse can do to you. I wasn’t judging her.

        It’s just that I feel so helpless and angry — I wish I could do her leaving for her.

        Noone deserve to suffer like this.

        Like

  26. Some things from your story sound similar. My aunt faced a situation a bit of similar situation. I won’t go into the details but she kept ‘adjusting’ for the sake of her kids. Her MIL wasn’t good to her, her SILs and BILs weren’t good to her and her Husband, biggest jerk of them all, he made her life hell. She was always pressurised to leave her job. When she didn’t, the Husband quit his job and opened a small shop(that never earned with any good income) just to loot her of her money and harass her mentally. Unreasonable and untruthful allegations were thrown on her including theft and harrassment of her in-laws and also of illicit relationships. But she kept on bearing all this, ‘for the sake of children’. But it didn’t go well too, the children are now teenagers, no self-esteem, no confidence, always remain silent or aloof from others and have lost their mother. Yes, she died last year. She left that house along with her kids and started living separately from her husband. She hardly lived her new life for some 4 months when she was diagonised with cancer, she died within one month.

    Now when I think of it, what good staying in that marriage did to her or the kids? She was never happy, the kids are in pathetic situation now and the husband, well he is as fine as ever. Her colleagues when came to her funeral, they told my other aunt that there were many other things that happened in that house which she did not tell us. I wonder what were those ‘many other things’? May be physical violence? The kids never tell us anything about what used to happen in their father’s house. She had taught her children well not to tell ‘family matters’ to anyone and they do not tell us, not even now. Those colleagues also told us not to ever send the kids, specially the daughter(they are one boy and one girl) back to that jerk’s house, ‘vaha ke mauhal ke bare mein aapko kuch nahi pata, hamein pata hai, ladki ke liye baut galat mauhal hai.’ is what they say. I wonder what kind of environment they mean? Her colleagues told my aunt once told her that she should lodge a FIR against her husband and they’re all with her, but she refused because ‘log kya kahenge, aise hi duniya ko tamasha kya dikhana?’

    We Indians shove this deep inside our daughters’ head that get married, stay married, or else people will say things and your kids will suffer and all that blah blah. Daughter are made to believe that divorce or even thinking about getting divorce is worse than taking beatings from husband and his family. I feel so annoyed right now. I wish that bastard had died instead of her, then may be she had shed some tears for a while but after that things would’ve been much much better.

    Any ways, you need to get out of this sham of a marriage. Your husband is assaulting you physically, emotionally and financially. If you get a divorce, you are not only doing a huge favour to yourself but also to your son. Having no father is definitely better than having an abusive father, In my opinion. That’s all.

    P.S.I am sorry if this upsets anyone, I am so angry right now.

    Like

  27. Dear OP,

    I’m really sorry you are in such a situation. It is not too late. You are strong. But you don’t have to put up with this. Like most of the people here suggested (I haven’t read all the comments), leave your husband. We are not saying that just for your sake. If you want your child to experience a normal happy childhood and hope that he doesn’t turn into somebody like your husband when he grows up, you need to leave now. Many abused women believe that they are putting up with the abuse for their children. No, that’s not right. You are doing more damage to your child by staying in that marriage. Leave now. I don’t know where you are. Are you still abroad? Note down every instance of his abuse (verbal, physical, sexual). It will come in handy when you file a police complaint or file for divorce.

    Seriously I am not even sure why you are asking for advice. It’s clear that you need to leave the relationship and cut all ties with him and his family. His family is also abetting in your abuse by not coming to your side when you literally screamed for help. With such a manipulative husband you don’t know what’s going to happen a few months or years down the line. Already he’s trying to make it look like you are physically abusing him. Down the line, he may even make it look like you are mentally unstable or something similar. Then it would be too late to have custody of your child.

    I’m really glad that you are working. It makes me hopeful that you can survive on your own. I hope you have some friends who you can trust and perhaps they can help you out a little when you grow through the process of divorce.

    Please, please get out of the relationship for your sake and for your son’s as well. It’s not a healthy environment for you or your son. I wish you the best.

    ((Hugs))

    Like

  28. If you are in the US, there’s an organization I know that helps out (can link you up to someone who works there who can get you help right away). Please document stuff, make some photocopies, take pictures of bruises (I am of course hoping you won’t have to deal with any abuse EVER again) – you and your son are worth much more than this.

    Please know that you are not alone, not only are there (unfortunately) many stories of such abuse but also many, many success stories of women who walked away with little and have made amazing stuff of themselves, for themselves. Plus, you have a bunch of us rooting for you. Sending many great vibes.

    Like

  29. A Google search led me to: http://refuge.org.uk/about-us/what-we-do/asian-services/

    If the writer is in the US, then she should call one of the organisations listed in this link immediately:

    http://www.sawnet.org/orgns/violence.php#National

    These organisations were set up to specifically help South Asian DV victims and offer a range of services — legal aid, contacts of lawyers who do pro bono work, psychological counselling, shelters, employment assistance and even escorting/ accompanying the woman for court dates and mediations.

    None of us can convince the writer, but I’d like to tell her that leaving is easier than you think.

    I have seen barely educated women escape in the dead of the night. Once they realised their life was under threat, their kids’ physical safety at risk.

    Don’t let it reach that point.

    Like

  30. I cant see which part of this relationship looks like ‘marriage’ to her. I should not be judging though…I lived in a similar ‘marriage’ for 6 years before I gathered the guts to walk out of it with my 3 years old daughter. This is so heart breaking, i dont know what to say…

    Like

  31. Sigh! Am I the only one who is flabbergasted that this woman is still asking whether she should continue to live with this beast? I understand bad marriages and abuse, and how it is difficult to get out of it. But look at the various factors.

    There is no love and there never was. This marriage was a pure business arrangement from the beginning. The husband gained a slave for life and the wife gained the lack of “log kya kahenge” by going the traditional non-drinking non-smoking man way.

    The marriage is only 4 years old. Plenty of time to take abuse, but not enough to kill your spirits.

    She earns well enough to take care of herself and her son.

    The abuse is not a subtle manipulation with vows of love ever after later either. There is no honeymoon period. It is simple hatred and psychotic sadism by the guy.

    So WTF are you waiting for? There is no knight in shining armour coming to swoop you up on a white horse. Just get the hell out of there, and get yourself some self respect.

    God knows why you had a child, but he is only 2 years old. Take him out before his life as well as yours is ruined irretrievably. No matter what society and your relatives (including your mother) say, it is your fundamental right to be happy and to hell with anyone who gets in the way.

    Like

  32. Here is what i think, First of all depending on the country you are living in , you should consult social services , I am sure they will have women cell there , You should consult them imediately and Get out of it.
    The police you mentioned well again dont know what country that is , but in my experience they had to look at both sides and in that scenario it looked at both of you suspiciously so could not take your side ..

    I dont think many of us are qualified in giving such advices, So best would be to contact a social service and a good lawyer .. by that I mean a lawyer who knows what they are talking about and not the one who wants to make a quick money and help you make money not those type ..

    If you are in UK mannbik@gmail.com is my email, contact me and I can get you in touch with people who can help you out of this and make sure your husband who calls himself a man, is told what sort of a man he is.

    Take care and all the best.

    Like

  33. I can bear living with my husband for the sake of my child but still unsure how long this peacefully time will continue…
    HOLY MOLY!! Woman, WHAT peaceful time are you referring to?? Do you even realize what you are saying?? You have been beaten up, shouted at, abused, victimized, insulted and even strangulated!! And it shocks me that you actually call this ‘peaceful’ !!😯

    Though I have not written a lot of other horrifying stories…
    OMG!!! I read this sentence after that!! As if whatever you explained wasn’t horrifying enough!!

    OK hold on right there.

    My first advice. Do NOT let go of your job, whatever happens. That’s your ticket to independence and a life of your own. You let go of that and you are falling more to the clutches of this guy!!

    what scares me most is that it doesn’t result in more fights and embarrassing or horrifying or humiliating experiences for me…
    Get your priorities right. Is being humiliated in front of society your biggest problem? Or escaping with (whatever is left of) your life in tact?

    My heart goes out to you. The amount and extent you have tolerated…. by being part of this marriage.😐 But then the way I see it, you got into this marriage for all the wrong reasons. Increasing age, mother wanting to see you settle down yada yada…instead of you having found the one you want to be with for the rest of your life.

    The fact that you have written to ask about this situation is a first step. Atleast you are acknowledging that there is an issue and want to find a solution.

    Like most other commentators have said, it is highly dangerous for your son to grow up in an atmosphere that toxic! Also get in touch with an abuse helpline….do your homework though. Don’t let your husband fool them into believing YOU hit him! I mean WTH!! This guy is an emotional parasite sadist who feeds on your sadness for him to survive!😡 You need to get out while you still can. Pronto!

    Why, oh WHY is it that we condition girls to think marriage is the be-all and end-all of life?😐

    Like

  34. As everyone above have said, please leave this marriage.

    You have tried enough. Rather, more than enough.

    Value yourself. You do not deserve to be treated this way, just because you are the wife of that man. You are your own strength and you can get yourself out of this.

    Your son will turn out to be a fine person, even in a single parent home. Do not fear on that count.

    The caustic comments of relatives and society can be bad, but it will not be as bad as living with monsters. Besides, relatives and society are never there to help, they are only there to pelt stones and satisfy their love for other people’s miseries. From my own experience, I know that life during divorce and after will be tough. But it will turn out fine.

    I knew a lady here in the US, who was going through a marital discord. Her husband refused to renew her visa and she was unaware of this. Her son was born in the US. On a visit to India, the husband and his family took the son from the airport to their home and refused to return the little boy to his mother. This is just to help you be cautious and not scare you.

    Like

  35. Dear Writer,

    My heart hurts for you. First, big hugs for you. You do not deserve to be treated this way. NO ONE deserves to go through the things you have gone through. I have some thoughts:

    First, please do not stay in this miserable situation for your son. Your son will end up thinking that it is acceptable to beat and berate women. He will continue the cycle. You staying there is not helping him in the least. I am not sure what country you are in now, but it doesn’t matter. Anyone who looks down on your for getting a divorce from this man is a fool and a monster. I don’t care what culture you are in, you should pay them no mind. This “society” are the same people who hear your cries for help, yet do not come to your aid. That is disgusting.

    Secondly, keep your job. Save your money. You will need money to leave, and you will need strength to change your way of thinking from the way you have been socially conditioned. My fear is that you feel guilt for leaving, for choosing your life over some ancient standard that is clearly not working in this situation. Get past the guilt. Your life is worth more than that.

    Besides all the other lies you say your husband has told, besides his family which has treated you ill, besides the porn, the men’s night’s, the alcohol, etc, he physically harms you, he emotionally attacks you. My dear, that alone is reason enough to get the hell out.

    I pray that you find the strength to move past this struggle, past the struggles that may come, past stupid sentiments of society, and see that you have a lot more life to live, and that to deny yourself the chance to pursue happiness would be a grave mistake.

    Like

  36. First this is not advice for the lady , she’s got plenty from others an anyways there is no advise / resolution for her problem, the marriage is over & she needs to remove herself physically from it – that’s all.

    This is a rant – sorry IHM.
    We need to raise our young women properly. As parents we have failed in our duty if our daughters think that inspite of abuse or even lack of happiness, they should stay in a marriage. This blows my mind.

    We need to raise our kids by teaching them that their HAPPINESS matters the MOST, as long as they are not causing hurt /harm to others their first priority is to take this 1 life that god has bestowed on them and live it to the fullest, happily .

    The 2nd thing we need to do as parents is to realize that you have NO RIGHTS on them when they turn 18 or 21 or whatever may be the number – legally , morally and ethically. they are free to live their lives as they please, make mistakes as they please or succeed as they please. at best you can advise.
    If that means staying, single, divorced , married, with many children, childless, adopted kids etc etc, then that is the right state for them.
    As for the great Indian sacrifice – parents sacrifice for kids so later kids sacrifice for parents – a bigger scam i have yet to see.

    I’m not making this up, i’ve seen it all in various forms, my own parents were so offended that i picked my spouse and claimed they knew my mind better than me , with various threats of me marrying my choice and he dumping me .. seriously ??? you’d rather your child pick your choice and be unhappy ? why don’t parents want complete happiness for their kids. the kids version of happiness not the parents? if this isn’t bad parenting i don’t know what is. oh well i’ll end my rant. I see my cousins look at our marriage and see 2 people who love each others company, and 2 kids who are free to make their choice and hopefully this generation will set free their kids and let them live.

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  37. My advice for you would be to plan an exit from this relationship. You and your son deserves better. From the incidences you have described, it looks like he is a psycho. You need to plan carefully for your and your son’s safety.
    I would suggest you to get connected with any of the following resources:
    National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) – http://www.ndvh.org – 24-hour Hotline: 800-799-7233
    Centre County Women’s Resource Center (CCWRC) – http://www.ccwrc.org
    The National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV) – http://www.nnedv.org Number: 202-453-5566
    http://www.sawnet.org/orgns/violence.php

    Please remember, you have to do so from a safe computer and/or phone (I don’t trust abusive partners and the low level they can stoop to..).

    Like

  38. Just think…do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? The main thing in a marriage is trust and if that trust is not here, there is no point in staying together just for the sake of staying together. we get married to have a life partner to share happy and sad parts of life. if that person is not sharing those with u, then whats the point of being together? Sometimes, instead of just going through the motions of life, we really need to think why we do what we do. You have already wasted many years of your life with this guy. Its time to start living your own life. Try to save money on the side without telling him. You are educated so u can get a decent job anywhere. You will be able to support yourself. My advise would be to get out of this marriage. Your mom will understand ur decision if u explain it to her. Life is too precious to waste.

    Like

  39. Lady,
    I’ll tell you my own story if that will make you take decision any sooner and get out of this marriage as soon as possible. My mother was in the same situation as yours 25 years back. She walked out of the marriage when I was less than a year old. And boy, believe me she didn’t care what the world says. That is one of the strongest decisions that has made our life so much better. And I am so proud of my mother.
    When my mother could do it 25 yrs back when there was less support in the society, less awareness and less of every damn thing that one can think of, why are you hesitating to take the first step. You are an independent woman, working abroad and I don’t understand how you can still stick to this guy. Do not think that you need to put up with this psycho(pardon me for the usage of such word) for the sake of your child. That is holy crap. Your child will be way happier if he stayed in peaceful atmosphere and will realize how important it is to respect a woman rather than seeing his father knock the doors of prostitutes.
    So hold you head high, do not leave your job and just plan everything carefully before you take the final decision to walk out of the marriage. (like collecting your certs, your valuables etc.,)
    From what you have emailed, i am not sure if your husband will let you go so easily as soon as you take the word “divorce”,

    So, be brave! Wish you loads of luck

    Like

  40. I dont exactly know where you are (US?) but if so, check out Desi girl websites she has listed above. There is absolutely no reason you should have to go through this alone.
    Physical abuse is never justified and never ever OKAY. you need to get hold of these resources and work your way out if not for your sake your son’s Sake, you owe that much to him. This guy is a monster and no human being should ever treat another human being like that. Leave, while you can and are sane. There is hope and if you feel down and feel like giving up, God has given you the biggest hope right in front of you, look into your son’s eyes and you will find it. Do it For him, Do it for you and for humanity’s sake.
    you need to start documenting his abuse and talk to a social worker/counselor.
    you obviously hate, why die a thousand deaths living with someone like that. you and your son deserve better. Good Luck and God Bless.

    P.S: Please send us a fabulous update in a few months about how well you are doing without this assH*** and how leaving him was the best decision, you will be giving hope to hundreds of other women in your shoes.

    Like

  41. if u r in the US, there are some organizations who help women. You might be able to find one if you search on google. They can help you plan out how you can leave . Also, I dont know your visa situation but here child custody laws are not same as india. So if u do separate, ur husband can’t take your son. You will either have to schedule time so your son will be with his dad for 1 week and with you the other week. or if they feel he is not a good father, u will get the full custody. And he can’t take the kid to india without your permission. So just search about this and try to find some social organization who can help.

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  42. I am really saddened reading this mail of yours. Your husband is not only abusive, he is also extremely manipulative. He is a control freak and take this, he DOES NOT LOVE YOU.
    Please LEAVE and NEVER LOOK BACK.
    The only person you need to THINK ABOUT now is YOU and YOUR SON.
    If you are outside India, make sure you have your passport and other documents with you, put in a suitcase all that you think belongs to you. Be ready to leave with a suitcase.
    Be STERN with your decision to leave and DO NOT BUDGE.

    STAY STRONG dear, HUGS!!

    Please at least email IHM about where you live and she may help you out with organizations and people living in that country and in India.

    Take care!

    Like

  43. Lady
    I live in Philadelphia and my email is madhu265@yahoo.com. Pls email me if you need any help. And for ur kids sake and future, pls leave the beast the find happiness. Evenif u live with him for ur kids sake, he is not going to be loving or caring towards him in the long run as he never wanted this marriage in the first place. Ur kid is gonna blame u for this when he grows up. U r better off starting afresh earlier than later. Don’t traumatise ur child.

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  46. If only similar traumatized women from Bihar could tell their tale the way she has, we would have numerous heart wrenching real life stories. Somehow, divorce is not an usual option in Bihar! Once you are married, you got to live with it in Bihar.

    The sad thing is neither can most of the Bihari women tell their stories this way, nor do they have a platform where they can get suggestions. And that is so suffocating.

    In my own big and extended family I have a lot of female relatives who continue to be harassed by their husbands and relatives even after 10-20 years of their marriage. And they choose to live with it! For their survival, for their kid’s survival and future.

    Each time I go home, I am a witness to a lot of wife beatings and harassment, in my family, in my society. Sometimes I stand up and speak, sometimes I am asked to shut up because I am not supposed to interfere in their family matters.

    I feel most hopeless when the harassed woman herself asks me to leave them alone saying that everything will be sorted out soon and it is a daily affair. I ask myself, how can a woman live with it all her life on a ‘daily basis’?

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  47. anything that makes you weak emotionaly, mentaly, intelectualy
    immidiatly reject it as poison
    take the first ticket to india, come with ur son
    file a case of haressment.
    There is unbailabe warrent till 7 years
    just do it,
    get out of hell

    Like

  48. Pingback: Are these the eight reasons you would give in support of Arranged Marriages? | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

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