Let me share an email received in response to the picture posted in the last post, as my first contribution to VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN AWARENESS MONTH October 2011,
Do you think this man is a representation of every Indian middle-class husband? To me he seems to be an example of an emotional abuser.
I saw that image shared by Hrishikesh Bawa. My hubby and my MIL say wearing pants, wearing sleeveless is bad, you will be the one giving chances for men to comment on you.
And you won’t believe this, I said I wanted a bicycle and he says, “People stare at girls going to school on bicycles, think what would happen if you started cycling.”
He says, women who think liberally and wear jeans and top, even after they are married, are not respected in the society. And when I try to talk about it he says, “In marriages, the rule is, that women have to do as their husbands ask them to do.”
And if I want to change any of it, then I am a fool.
In fact he gave me an example. There is couple living in my locality, socially a little upscale, and that woman always wore chic clothes. Very nice actually and just is very pretty. So some local gundas commented on her and misbehaved with her. Is it her fault that she is pretty and dressed nicely? She was compelled to wrap herself in a sari or wear lousy large sized kurtis.
Maryada kapdo mein nahi, maryada manushya ke drishtkon mein honi chahiye. (Modesty should be in the mindset, not in a woman’s clothing).
Let me tell you that mine is a love marriage and the moment he tied that knot, things changed and from the very next day of my marriage he has tried and tried to change me.. and he says I am not trying hard enough. Sometimes I wish I had given it a second thought and stayed single life would have been less complicated..
The most integral part of the changing part was to make me stop talking, stop giving opinion. (He says no one cares for your opinion..so just keep quite. And be the good bahu by keeping your mouth shut. I am just loosing respect for men ..but all of them are not like that but most them are..!!!
I do think that the way he thinks should change but I can’t help it…
I would like to mention one more instance. His younger cousins are a little rebellious, not to blame them its the age typical teenagers (not too outrageous) ..their mom is supportive, saying, “We had so many restrictions growing up, I’ll let my girls live the way they want.”
One fine day my BIL called his Aunt and started giving updeshas (moral lectures), “Ladkiyaan haath se chali jayeingi (your girls will go out of control).. they are socializing online and most of her friends are male..”
I took her side and said, “Its rude that you’re stalking your own cousin. You should help them use these social networks securely and you have been doing such stuff too..” I didn’t mention the porn he is been downloading using my lappy… but he is been seeing a girl. So, he says “So what? I am a boy I can do anything. …if something happens to them?” ..like they are gonna get raped by making friends online…
And in my case, my husband complaints that I spend time on Facebook or web surfing. I do interact with people.. Had he known that I need a life…!! “utho khaan banao..khao..fir khana banao aur khao office ka kaam aur so jao..kabhi kabhi T.V dekho aur wahi dekho jo mujhe dekhna chahiye.“
(Translates to: Wake up, cook, eat, again cook and eat, do office work and go to sleep, Occasionally watch TV and then, only those channels which he wants me to watch”)
I watched the English channels. Since my teenage I used to watch Star World …’Friends’ and all that stuff. He says it’s vulgar. English movies are vulgar. He says I am indecent to be watching this stuff. I stopped watching them.
I work night shifts so I used to watch my favorite shows repeat telecast when everyone sleeps… so he started saying that I have a filthy mind..and all these English shows are full of sex… (OMG..I didn’t know how to react.. ) So I started spending time online..he says you are busy chatting you are more concerned about what a stranger is doing than being with me... I can’t say out loud that when I am with you its all about you. Even if we talk, and I give my opinion it is called back talking… oh Dear IHM…I have so much to tell about this one man who is “almost” a representation of every **** indian middle-class husband…I can go on and on, but I will stop here…
I would like to know how people react ..and please ask your readers if they can help me come out of this situation.. it is an emotionally torturing situation..help me change my husband..and let me tell you one more thing.. during one small discussions ..He was in a happy mood and asked me something… and then I said..“tum meri kahaan sunte ho to mera opinion kyun chahiye” (When you don’t listen to me, why do you want my opinion) and he said thank god finally tumhe yeh to samajh mein aaya ki main sunne waalon mein se nahi hoon..main jo bhi bolu woh tumhe sunna hoga, (So you have understood that I am not amongst those who listen. You will have to listen to what I say.) Don’t expect me to listen to you at any point...which left me hopeless that I will ever be able to change him..but anyways…Thanks for letting me pour out my feelings …!!!