An Email: “I really like this guy, but I’m not sure I can handle his parents’ hatred or begrudging approval.”

Silent O’s email reminded me of Anon’s comment on ‘Love Marriages spoil the Family System of our Nation.’

Anon said, “The point is I have a wonderful marriage because of the man I married. Everyone tells me to forget in-laws, but can I forget them? They are an integral part and it hurts me when they pass stinging comments. I think I am paying price for a love marriage.” (Click to read).

Hi IHM,

I’m writing to you because there’s no one in my real life that I can talk frankly to about this, or get an honest, unbiased opinion from.

I’m almost 27, have been working for 6 years and currently live by myself. I like a guy, whom i got to know about 5 years back. He has been studying/working abroad for more than 4 years now. We like each other but his parents do not approve of the match because we belong to different castes. They are totally against it. This was always expected to an extent but we had assumed they would budge if this was told to them after he had established himself in his career, proved himself, and so on. But that’s definitely not the case. He’s visiting India, and will return in a few weeks. He’ll come back next after probably 9 months.

I had talked a bit about the guy to my mom a few months back and mentioned that his family wouldn’t approve easily. My mom was concerned about that, understandably. And later when she asked me, sometime last year, i told her that his parents wouldn’t approve and that was it. We haven’t talked about it since, she assumes that I’m fine with it being that way because she doesn’t know the details. I haven’t updated her about the recent events either (him visiting, actually talking to his parents about it)

Also, things in general have not been very normal at my home. Sort of dysfunctional. Dad used to be a drunkard, is even now to an extent, and that created a rift in the way things are in my family. I have a younger brother, and we (mom, brother and me) are close but don’t talk much to my dad, cos he just wont, and wont take any help, or change or even listen out and he is just very short tempered, to say the least. That’s just the general pic at home, a bit about where i come from.

I really like this guy, totally trust him, am sure things will be good if i choose to be with him. That is, things will be good for the two of us. But I’m not sure if i can handle his parents’ hatred or begrudging approval (that is if they do agree, this will be the best it will get) or if I can put my family through all this.

My family and extended family have been behind to get me married ever since my elder cousin got married earlier this year. But I don’t know what is the right thing to do here. It’s overwhelming for so many reasons. What would you suggest that someone do in such a case – one set of parents dead against the match? The best it will get is ‘fine, go get married to her if you want to, we don’t approve of it’. Which the guy is fine with, because he doesn’t see any reason in their disapproval. They wont agree to even meet me;/my folks just to meet once.

It’s not that I intend to get married within a deadline, or let others decide when/whom i should get married to. But am I holding on to something that i shouldn’t be? Should i let go, accept that things are for the good, and try to go on from here?

Am I even considering everything that a girl ought to be thinking about? What do you think? Please let me know.

Thank You for reading through:)

-Silent O

Advertisements

43 thoughts on “An Email: “I really like this guy, but I’m not sure I can handle his parents’ hatred or begrudging approval.”

  1. Silent O,

    Personally I feel this is a discussion you ought to have with your boyfriend. If you feel that he is going to be fine with it, please go ahead with it. After all, HE would be the one caught up in between this situation. What you have to ensure here is that the guy does not marry you on a whim because he considers his parents unreasonable, but then puts the entire onus of bringing them around on you. Make it clear to him that if his parents are not interested in you, you would not be making an effort or taking crap from them. ENSURE he realizes that this is how it would be and things may NEVER improve. If he understands clearly that his parents and his wife would belong to different worlds and he would have to shuttle between them as and when required, and is still ready to take the chance, then I suggest you go ahead and marry him. After all, you cannot put your life on hold for a set of unreasonable parents, who are not even your own. But please DO make things VERY clear that unless the parents unbend and are civil to you, you are not obliged to be civil to them either. I cannot stress this enough.

    Like

    • “But please DO make things VERY clear that unless the parents unbend and are civil to you, you are not obliged to be civil to them either. I cannot stress this enough.” i agree with this, but having lived in a marriage for 12 years with disapproving elders ( read: the husband’s parents) , the fact is sometimes the husband might change territories – and that is something that you have to live with – sometimes completely agreeing with his parents, when even an insane person can see the reason is not rationale. Having said that, getting married to this guy has helped me grow as a person. I am more independent than I ever thought I could be. And can be completely aloof when hell is loose on them. The husband flies home to be with them, but I stay back. The parents will always make your husband feel guilty over his marriage and that is something that you will deal with, even if you don’t want to and will spill over sometimes – and mostly after a telephonic conversation.

      The state of marriage has always been a grey area, but carry your happiness on your shoulders – that is what i meant by independent when i mentioned it above

      Like

  2. I can understand what a difficult situation it must be for you. The core question is: HOW DEPENDABLE IS THIS GUY?
    If he is one of those typical Indian men who is charming and bold with his girl, but turns into a quiet little mouse in front of his mom, then please, stay away from him!!!
    If he is willing to fight for you, to support you right through, and always be by your side, then ignore the others and go ahead!!!
    PS: Even if in-laws ‘approve’ of a girl, they don’t always make life easy for her. DILs are always criticised, so no point bothering much about them. But your future husband should stand by you LIKE A ROCK. If you are assured of that, then go ahead, dear!!

    Like

    • Dear Writerzblock,

      “typical Indian men who is charming and bold with his girl, but turns into a quiet little mouse in front of his mom”….?????

      Are we not typecasting Indian Men here?

      Like

    • I am 100% with writers block on this… your decision should not just be based on how dependalble your boy friend is…..

      your relationship with him sounds to be a healthy one so far… just be sure what kind of a husband he will make “specifically in the context of his parents being sour to you” and f you can give him a 10/10 for that go ahead….

      Read the above comment another 3 times.. and you should have a good answer for yourself 🙂

      Like

    • You are right, Writerzblock and GV!

      My man and I married with a ‘yes’ from both my parents & his mother. His mother is very old (73yrs and hubby is 27), belonging to a generation where love marriages were looked down upon! To be honest, I was surprised when she was okay with her only son marrying his choice. But I had made it amply clear to him that I would not tolerate any force/pressure to behave like a typical submissive D-I-L. Am I thankful or what!
      We live in a different city and want to move back to his home town because of better job opportunity. His mother has been telling us continuous that there is no need for us to come back , that she could manage on her own. We had initially planned to move in with his mother (at least temporarily) to lessen the burden of routine work which would in turn give her more free time to rest her aching joints and pursue as little work as possible. I was shocked when I found out that the actual reason was my period!!!! During her young days, she had practiced the age old dehumanizing custom of sitting apart during those 5 days and expected me follow the same! My hubby refused point blank to his mother that he wouldn’t let that happen to me and his mother told him point blank that we had to move out because she didn’t want the ‘family’ to talk. He is willing to move to the suburbs away from the home (he grew up in) located at the center of the city with every imaginable facility within your reach!
      Infact, nobody in her family is able to pressurize me into anything because my hubby is standing by me every single time.

      Like

  3. Nothing new in this problem.
    Don’t worry.
    If you are sure of your man’s support, go ahead.
    It should be his responsibility to bring his parents around and see that they give their blessings.

    If we knew the answers to the following questions, we could advise you better.

    1)Is your man the only son? Or is he one of several sons? The reason is that if he is the only son, his parents may belatedly realize that it is not in their interest to antagonize their only son.

    2)Is your man sufficiently devoted to you to firmly tell his parents that he will not marry any other girl if they oppose you? If he happens to be the youngest son in a family with several elder sons, all settled, you must reconcile to doing away completely with any kind of support (economic, social, family etc) from your husband’s side. He will be treated as the prodigal son.

    3)Are the parents rich or middle class? If they are rich, and don’t need their son’s support, they will be harder to bring around. You must be prepared to be accused of trying to get your hands on your husband’s family wealth.

    4)You said the castes are different. Now this is a tricky situation, Whose caste is supposedly “superior”? I ask for a certain reason. If theirs ranks as superior, the problem is more difficult. If yours is superior, there is a chance they will come around after some time.

    5)Does your man know about your father’s drinking habits? Better tell him right now. If he calls it off because of this, then he doesn’t deserve you. Telling him later will endanger your marriage.

    6)Do you have your mother’s support and your younger brother’s support? If even your family is against it, you will need moretime to sort this out.

    7)Are you economically independent? Does he earn enough? Can you too live separately, preferably in a different city altogether from where his parents live, or is your man expecting you to live with him at his parents house. That would be most inadvisable. I would advise you not to marry if you have to live with them. Your problem will start with day 1 after the marriage.

    If we knew the answers to these questions, all of us could give you better advice.

    Ultimately, it’s your life and his life. We live in modern times. The previous generation has done it’s duty to both of you and must not be allowed to extract a price from you by demanding that you get married only with their permission and blessings. Of course it would be ideal if you married with blessings and support from both sides but if that is not forthcoming, you have just two options:

    1)Bravely go ahead and care a damn about his parents opposition and hope that once the marriage is over, time will heal the wounds in their minds and once a child is born, they will come around though belatedly. This has happened again and again in Indian families.

    2)Quietly call it off, if you don’t feel brave enough and simply be friends and hope for another man later whom you can get married to without these problems. There are plenty of them out there. Seek and you shall find even if takes some time.

    I hope you get more good advice from others and are able to overcome this problem of parental opposition. The time tested remedy to parental oppostion is “Time” . Yes, just give it time and both of you be firm in your decision. His parents may ultimately come around. Set a time limit. I would recommend a year. Not more. Next year you must decide between options 1) and 2)

    Best wishes
    GV
    =============

    Like

    • You know, ‘calling it off’ is also a brave option!! One needs a lot of courage to take any sort of decision. especially one that breaks a relationship. Hope you choose wisely, Silent O.

      Like

    • @GV- this is the best advice( rather sets of advice).

      One thing to keep in mind is not only if he will support but if he fair minded enough to accept what is wrong and stand for what is right. What I mean by that is, people are used to taking more from those they are close to- family-wise than they are from strangers. Therefore irascible parents are easier to tolerate/ overlook than irascible in-laws. Now your SO needs to understand this too. For him, they are his parents, but they are not your parents. Therefore any respect you give them is because of your association with him( as it is for your folks and him ). So, he should be willing to respect you for that and protect you too ( as you would him against your people who might be hostile). At the same time, he is going to be conflicted too- none of us expect our families to act weird or be hostile- we expect them to be “on our side”. You need to give your SO that room too. However, he needs to be able to stand up for things that are right and not follow family, simply because it is family. In my opinion families that are nasty to SOs( male or female) are so because they really have not real love with their children (it is more a problem between them and their child than them and their DIL or SIL).
      Now love is all very well, but it can get very strained with stress from family. You guys probably need to open up the dialog and keep it open. He needs to understand that you have our fears and you need to understand that it is tough on him. So all the best, talk talk, talk and work out your problems. Its not easy- but hey life is tough.

      Like

  4. regarding this post… if she loves the guy, and the guy loves her… I guess they should get married and wait for the parents to grow up and accept their grown-up son’s decisions.

    Of course, it will not be easy, it will take time, it will take patience and a lot of understanding from Ms Silent O… but hey! It’s not always that you come across a guy you like and who likes you back for who you are and is not scared off by a dysfunctional household.

    I would think it’s worth the fight with the in laws… but hey, that’s just me!

    Like

  5. It really depends on how the guy can best balance out both parties. Not all guys are blessed with the tact and wisdom to understand these dynamics and the turmoil they might be putting their wives to. Some things are gained by experience, some things are never learnt/understood. The problem is that in the initial days of marriage, you might end up feeling terribly lonely if his family doesnt make an effort to know or understand you. Later on, you might just learn to handle things better or just not bother about such things. If you are expected to stay with your in-laws sooner or later, then his family’s disapproval might make it that much more tough.
    Life is not a bed of roses. In the meantime, concentrate on yourself and become independent- both in the financial and emotional sense.
    Talk to your boyfriend about the cultural clashes that will arise because of your castes and other factors. The expectations that his family will have regarding your lifestyle, career and living arrangements must not come as a surprise for you later. If you can learn about it now, you will be better equipped to handle it later.

    Like

  6. In love marriages, parents of the man show their disapproval from the time they learn of the proposed marriage. In arranged marriages, parents of the man show their disapproval as soon as they get the dowry. In all, parents of the man will be showing their disapproval towards the woman, whether she looks like Priyanka Chopra or whether she is the daughter of Mukesh Ambani or whether she is as accomplished as Indra Nooyi in her career.

    Like

    • I’m sorry, but I think this statement is a little extreme. There is a lot of change that I see in India of late. I do not see this whole discriminatory attitude in much of my own extended family. I would think about 80% of my (married) female friends do not face this sort of discrimination – even those who had a love marriage.

      I do not mean to undermine those who do suffer from the “evil in-laws” syndrome. But in my opinion, blanket statements such as these are also detrimental because they just make us want to believe that there are no good in-laws. Also, to a lesser degree, extreme statements reinforce the stereotype that feminism is all about male bashing and in-laws bashing.

      Like

  7. I agree with Fem and Writerzblock. I have a friend who’s a Punjabi married to a Kannadiga. They knew each other for 5 years before they got married. The guy’s parents did not approve the match, but then came around. Post marriage, life is HELL for my friend. The guy seems to have undergone a metamorphosis (for the worse). He seems to feel guilty for marrying outside his parents choice. To compensate, he fulfils every whim and fancy of his mother (she insisted on accompanying them on their honeymoon!), criticizes my friend on every little thing, and does not support her in any way. My friend is expected to be a breadwinner and also do everything at home, including cooking and cleaning. They do not enjoy simple pleasures such as going out for dinner or watching a movie together, for the fear of displeasing the parents! My friend loves reading but hasn’t read a book for 2.5 years now, since her marriage.
    So I urge Silent O to discuss the issues she has listed with the guy and check his reactions. If he seems uncomfortable or baulks at idea of confronting his parents for her, she should not go ahead with this match.
    Loving each other is a great thing, but love can undergo a change when responsibilities and emotional issues come into play. Along with love, maturity, compassion and respect are very important to sustain a marriage, I think.

    Like

  8. you know what, Silent O, the best way to address your worry is to talk to your boyfriend. Probably NOT by asking Yes/No type questions like “Will you stand by me, if and when your parents turn the heat on me?”. The answer for such questions will always be Yes. and more importantly, people only ask such questions when they WANT to hear Yes for an answer.
    May be you can ask him “What will you do if your parents turn the heat on me?” or whatever worries you have about this issue. His answers will help you find your answers. If he says something like “Oh honey, I’m so sure you’ll be able to win over them”, then run like hell. Because he will be putting the onus on you to deal with the situation. But if his thoughts on the issue are on the lines of “It’s my folks, I know how to deal with them, leave it to me”, then that would make more sense.. because convincing his parents is actually an action point he should be working on. An answer to such a question will also help you understand how he deals with personal responsibilities. Some people have a tendency to believe that “WE will deal with it, come what may”. ‘We’ sounds great, but it is equally hazy. ‘We’ could be more of you and less of me, or vice versa depending on the situation at hand.
    But Silent O, the fact that this thought is nagging you so much shows that you are not 100% sure of this relationship. You have a prime reason to think so, but may be, just may be, that is not the only reason. Do give a thought to the other aspects of this relationship. The thing is, most times we’ll be stuck with a few worry points that makes us too myopic to even notice the other things around, which could give us better clues.

    Just tread carefully, girl! Please make sure your head is also in the right place just as your heart is. 🙂

    Like

  9. This is sad but inter cast choice marriages are still painful in our society . There is no acceptance and no tolerance for such an undignified act and parents make the kids feel like criminals most of the times , and later expect some kind of repentance and pay back .. as if you have done this , hurt us and now you have to do extra effort to take care of every whim and fancy they put forward…

    All said and done , we can always make our decisions and stand to it . In laws are never too cordial for the DIL , any kind of wedding , and the DIL needs a lot of ‘spine’ to stand up…. Off course the guy in question is also responsible , but how can he be responsible for what his parents are doing. He can choose to support you , not necessarily fighting with the parents….a comfortable distance from the parents works most of the times and you are not going to miss any loving in laws when it comes with such a baggage of rejection and insult.

    many love marriages start with such circumstance , but everybody comes around after some time …if they don’t , let it be …if the two of you are comfortable with each other none of your parents can do any harm to the relationship.

    Good luck Silent O … i can see a few tears but i wish you all the happiness . I have been through almost the same kinda situation and i am happy today with my soulmate…

    Like

  10. Meeting a person to live your life with either by yourself or through your family is only the first step. It’s just the way people enter into what they hope is a committed, long and wonderful relationship. What they make of that relationship after all this is a totally unrelated to how they met.

    An in-law who is insecure is going to make trouble for any DIL, however she ended up meeting her spouse. Would I decide to marry or not based on this? No. Would I decide where I live based on this? Absolutely. If you want to please everyone, then don’t get into ANY relationship….it’s quite impossible for everyone (including yourself) to be pleased all the time with anyone.

    What are people thinking to allow anyone else to go along on a honeymoon?! And what was that mother all about?!

    Like

  11. This was pretty much my story.

    My folks were okay but not entirely (our radically different food habits being the main issue), his were dead against it (same reasons as yours – different communities).

    We had decided not to go ahead unless both sets agreed. I had made it clear that I would not take the responsibility of being a ‘good bahu’ Bollywood-style and winning their hearts over. I would certainly assist him in doing so, after all I badly wanted it to work, but I would not become someone else or even pretend to be someone else. Not a sustainable option is what I felt.

    Eventually he managed to convince his folks, they agreed because they said they had no other choice since he was being so stubborn, and we got married. Now after more than ten years, they not only get along great with me, they are good friends with my folks as well – they even visit us together most times. They are genuinely nice people.

    I would give full credit to my husband – he managed to walk the fine line – he has stood by me like a rock always, and at the same time not made his folks feel like he did not care about them. It has been and is pretty clear to everyone that I matter so much to him that I had better matter to them too.

    So here’s what I would say:
    Speak to him and get a sense of what he thinks might happen – will they remain the way they are or are they likely to accept you? He would know best because they are *his* parents after all. Once you get clear about this, either go ahead and get married or cut clean without any delay (if you feel you cannot go ahead unless they come around).
    You will need to think with your head basically – it is a long-term decision.

    Like

  12. Silent O,
    Dont feel bad about any of this.
    You guys love each other and tried your best to get your relationship approved by people who matter to you. But that should not be a never ending process.
    Please have a discussion with your partner and if both of you think time has come to move on with your life together, go ahead and get married. Its should really be the two of you deciding on this.
    Amongst my friend circle, there are four couples who also waited 4-5 years and in the end married without approvals. I dont see any of them regretting what they did. We were slightly luckier – our parents approved in 3 years, with a huge disclaimer that they are not responsible for the future of this relationship! LOL… It was really hard to keep our faces straight when they said this in such a serious note. Everytime there is a remark on how our wedding created ‘problems’, we play dumb and make a joke out of it.
    Disapprovals matter only if you let them…
    Good luck 🙂

    Like

  13. The comments above have said it all. Wish you the best Silent O.

    I wonder if I will live to see the day when a marriage only seeks parents’ blessings and support and not approval!

    Like

    • A friend recently got married in a register wedding, with just two sets of parents. Everyone was informed but not invited. Parents alone were invited. She is 23 – 24. This happens too.

      Like

  14. Ok we have a tricky situation here.

    Which the guy is fine with, because he doesn’t see any reason in their disapproval.
    Sweetie do you realize how important this statement is??

    How much do you trust him and love him?? To understand you in and out, your own family’s situation, the inter-religious differences, and still stand by you over and above his parents disregard?? ALWAYS???

    In my opinion, it boils down to your relationship with him. And the kind of person he is. You are close to your mother and brother. Why don’t you get your brother to meet him? Or some close friend? Sometimes somebody close to you who know you best can throw surprisingly new light on the kind of partner you have chosen. I’m not saying you don’t have the ability to judge character but a third party who is in your favour will be more impartial to him.

    However I understand you’ve known this guy for a few years so we’re beyond the point of initial meetings. If you totally trust him and know he is “THE ONE” you want to spend the rest of your life with, then I suggest you speak to him directly. Address all your concerns and fears. See how he reacts to him. Give him situations, and questions, like usha said. And sit and think hard….be VERY logical. Do not abandon feelings of your heart, but what I meant is: if the guy does not think of solutions instead of problems, if his responses are not convincing enough but you are going ahead thinking “it will get better” and coz “you love him”….
    Then honey I suggest you back out.

    Ask yourself. What does your gut feel tell you about him?? Don’t go by what you WANT TO FEEL about him….go by what is there…the facts.
    usually the alarm bells ring if something’s wrong ….its just that many ppl miss out on them until it’s too late…

    And worst case scenario, if it does NOT work out with him (god forbid) , do not worry too much. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. Take a step back and relax. You are working, you are young, you are sensible. Marriage is not destination, it’s a journey. Someday you will run across the partner you want to be with.
    I’ve three words about ‘life’ from all my experience: it goes on.
    You’ll do fine sweetie. Just take a deep breath, sit back, relax, think. Then take your decision.

    Like

  15. Both, the anonymous quote and this letter makes me think that perhaps Indian women are raised to be people pleasers…make that extreme people pleasers. Heck, I was raised as an only girl child so perhaps my parents raised me as a boy (my father’s mother says this quite frequently), but I think it’s about time that the women stand up for themselves. In case of the anonymous quote—I don’t understand it at all. If she has her husband’s full support, then why does it matter what the in-laws think about her eating habits, AC usage, and whatever else. There has to be a point when she should stand up for herself and tell her in-laws (who sound like terrible people) to either respect her or get the heck out of HER house. With her husband’s full support, I don’t know why this is such an issue.
    In case of the letter—I’m a bit skeptical. I’ve been in a relationship with my fiancé for three years. In that time we’ve lived together, faced financial problems together, and dealt with each other’s very annoying idiosyncrasies in very confined, small apartments. It’s safe to say that I trust him. And even then, there’s no guarantee what the future beholds. People change, situations change, and life might become something barely recognizable. How can the letter writer be sure that she truly trusts this person when they’ve never spent time together (talking on the phone doesn’t count as spending, real physical time with each other). What has he done to prove himself? And if he’s now well set in his career, and that was the only thing holding him back earlier, why hasn’t he settled the issue with his parents as of yet? How can she say for sure that he’s simply not just stringing her along because he’s lonely? I know an Indian guy in Canada who did just that with quite a few women! He’d talk to three or four of them every day because he was lonely…and the women ended up believing that he was truly in love with them and would win his parents over and whatnot. At the end of the day, the guy’s still single, still talking to his multiple ‘friends’ every day, and still not getting married anytime soon. I would advise the letter writer to be cautious and not to be too trusting. She’s earning her own money and living by herself so she should enjoy her freedom. Don’t worry about his family—if he’s remotely competent, he will tell his parents to accept his choice or stuff it.
    I fully agree with Ashwathy above—life goes on. Take your time to make your choices.

    Like

    • Yea I kinda agree. I mean I am just concerned about whether this is really the right guy for her or she is being pressurized into a decision. She needs to take a step back and then take a call.

      Like

    • so this indian guy that you are mentioning – is just having a whale of a time. In the end, he will go back to India and bring a woman with a “ghungat ” and say that the other women cannot be trusted because they talk to men on the phone ! that is the also the reason why indian men draw the boundaries for their wives and sometimes prevent their wives”working” outside the home. …Long Lost Indian Men

      Like

  16. We faced stiff resistance from my side and somewhat from my spouse’s side. 10 years later, my family still hasn’t approved of the marriage.
    1. Is it tough ? – Yes
    2. Did I and my spouse ever have different views on how to deal with my family – yes
    3. Did I and my spouse fight over it ? – yes
    4. What kind of fight do we have ? – I want to end all relations with my family, but he feels responsible for cutting me off from the family and goes way ahead trying to make amends, to pacify them. They never reciprocate. It hurts my ego more than his!

    Recently, I asked him if he would marry me again now that he knows how it is.
    1. His answer – yes.
    2. My answer – yes. In fact I won’t even waste the time trying to convince my family and would do it sooner.

    The truth is, in any marriage you have to deal with the family. Chances are (high) some family members will not be nice to you. You can never please everyone.
    If you and your boyfriend truly understand each other – GO FOR IT.

    Like

    • This is good stuff. I love it when couples answer these 2 questions in the following way:

      Q: Did you have a really really tough marriage?
      A: Yes, we did.

      Q: If you could go back in time, will you do it again?
      A: Yes, if we went back a 1000 times, we’d do the exact same thing every single time.

      I guess the reason why I love to hear that is that those would be our answers (my wife’s and mine) if anyone asked us these questions!

      Like

  17. hey…..DONT marry, this would be my suggestion…i had an arranged marriage 3 years back…now have a beautiful 5 month old son…..i am independent working women..stay in a seperate house after trying to adjust for 1.5 years with my inlaws in the same house…i finally walked off…with my husband…i still visit them but its the same…they NEVER ACCEPT us as a part of family….they still kill me with their taunts…its a battle every day….:( u must be really strong and mainly have ur husband like a rock by ur side all the times….still its not easy at all…take my words….think 100 times before u decide anything….speaking out of experience

    Good Luck with whatever u decide…:)

    Like

  18. You are right. She should perhaps move to where he is or vice-versa and either live together or take a place nearby so that they can interact on a more real basis. It is easy to say “I did the dishes” over the phone than to actually do them and not leave it for Silent O to take care of. Just an example, but it could be anything.

    Like

  19. If you are confident of your choice and know for sure that the guy will support you ,please go ahead and get married bindaas! As I mentioned in my comment for IHM’s previous post,my dad didn’t agree ,we waited for about two years ,then he started the process of looking out for guys for me ,threatened ,stopped talking ,in short tried everything in the book to dissuade me.We felt insecure when my guy’s(now husband) family also joined in the protest(ego…) so we went ahead and got married in the court but decided to hide it from the families and wait a little longer..Yesss,it was total filmy!! Finally I had to announce one day,that since I had to settle down in my profession in another city,it would be practical if I was married before the shift .That made my mom convince my dad to agree to the alliance but he still refused to do the kanyadaan:-(.Well to cut the looongg story short,here we are..20 years later with both the families by our side.In fact my husband is an exact replica of my dad! Sigh…
    Just hang in there..go ahead and make the right choice.All the best!!

    Like

  20. There is no gurantee for the decisions we take in life.
    It could turn out good, it could turn out bad.
    What is most important is to take responsibility of the outcome of our decisions.
    You might go into an arranged marriage and the in-laws love you and it might get worse 6-years later. Similarly in-laws might hate you (in a love marriage) and things might change later on.
    The guy you want to marrry is most important,will he stand by you thru thick & thin? If yes, go take the plunge. Your in-laws might never take to you, but with him by your side you can win all battles, this & others.
    And as I said there is no gurantee than in an arranged marriage you will get in-laws who will love you. Atleast here you marry the guy you love.
    Lastly, every family has its skeletons so dont worry about the situation at home 🙂 for all you know there is something about your beaus family which is worse!

    Like

  21. I’ll just tell you my experience – I had a love marriage, and my in-laws did not seem to approve of me, and it bothered me.
    My husband told me – “Don’t expect them to like you. You are not their idea of the traditional Indian girl. They might not like you at all ever. But they might accept you eventually. They might even start liking you, but don’t bank on it. Just be yourself. If they like you, good for them. If they don’t, it’s their headache. But I like you, and other people’s opinions about you will not matter to me.”
    Six years of marriage – and he has been true to his word. If your boyfriend can give that kind of an assurance – and if you can trust his word, then go for it.

    Like

    • That’s so true. If the boy and girl like each other then they should proceed and get married rather than calling it off because of parents denial. If the parents denial reason is caste then definitely do not care.

      What is in store for all of us in future is not in our control. Good in-laws may turn bad and vice-versa. Same is the case at times even with boy and girl. People keep changing. Those who believe in changing for better and live the present happily by taking courageous decision of marrying the person they like are the happiest.

      Like

  22. If you have to ask this on a public blog (that too a very popular one), do yourself and your boyfriend a huge favor. Break up! Don’t get married and then waste time getting divorced 2 years down the line.

    Like

    • That’s so rude. Women do derive strength from discussing things and blogs like this provide a platform for that. Sometimes you get a perspective you hadn’t considered before. What’s wrong with that?

      Like

  23. Dear IHM,

    I rarely comment but have been a silent reader and admirer of your blog.Of late,several people have opened up to you to discuss women-centric issues.
    There is this one issue that has been bothering me since long.

    ABC is a forty year old woman at my workplace.She has a son and is a divorcee who single handedly decided to bring up her kid after she seperated from her husband who then remarried another woman.Dedicated in her work and a gentle woman of values,ABC has become a good friend of mine(platonic).
    She is confident, manages a group of men working under her,meets deadlines with a firm hand and imposes rules,being responsible to the higher authorities.In short,she is responsible and an industrious person.At times,situation demands that she be strict.What angers me is the fact that her leniency goes unnoticed while her generosity is often overlooked.When she is strict,and justifiably so,but male colleagues laugh at her behind her back and the attacks become personal and vulgar. Sneering at her,they morally castigate her strictness and brand her as sexually frustrated since she doesn’t “get any”.It has become a coffee break joke. Meanwhile,I am wary of any kind of mud slinging that might come my way for my proximity and friendship with her,therefore I pretend to follow the herd at the cost of my own conscience and feign to like the tosh they dish out.
    thoroughly offended,I cannot dissent against my own colleagues at their cheap views regarding a woman who is oblivious to it all.
    Should I beware ABC and hurt her?

    Like

  24. Pingback: Is this blog becoming an Agony Aunt Column? « The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  25. Pingback: “His parents had already found a girl from his community who they feel is ‘perfect’ for him.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s