Love Marriages spoil the Family System of our Nation.

It seems one of the Basic Tenets of Patriarchal Family Values is that the young should not be allowed to decide who they marry. No matter what reasons are given, this rule is accepted across cultures, regions and religions.

Young women are subjected to more stringent value controls. (If women started choosing who they married, then they may not marry the more ardent protectors of some of these values?)

And so we hear,

“Parents should ensure that their wards, especially girls, do not use mobile phones as it makes them ‘behaya (shameless)’,” stated the resolution passed by AIMPLB (Jadid) stated at its national convention here.

So young people are denied opportunities of meeting potential life partners.

Until recently control was also achieved by denying opportunities of becoming emotionally and financially self reliant. ‘Children’ were married before they became self reliant and hence ‘out of control‘.  But now that financial self reliance has started becoming a requirement for Arranged Marriages, some rules are changing.

“Catch 22.5 – You can have all the freedom you want as long as you use it in a way we approve of

Catch 22.51 – You always have the choice to pick from the options we give you

(And yes we call this ‘giving freedom’)

So some colleges, almost all neighbors, some state laws and many parents connive to ensure young adults (potential life partners!) don’t interact. Here’s an example of how this works.

Marrying someone not chosen by the elders is generally seen as a serious offense, it can even get them killed.

In Muzaffarnagar, “The panchayat has imposed a ban on the usage of mobile phones by unmarried girls to prevent them from eloping with young boys against the wishes of their parents,” [link]

Young adults are taught about the moral dangers of interacting with young adults of the ‘opposite sex’. Such attempts, it is believed, lead to being ‘misled’.

The Gujjar community took a leaf out of the Taliban’s book, banning jeans and mobile phones for girls at a panchayat in Saharanpur… [Link]

So are the young Indians for or against Arranged Marriages?

Many young people believe that their parents are better qualified to find them life partners (some young Indians also believe that their parents are better qualified to raise their children).

Many young adults of ‘marriageable age’ have not had the time or opportunity to meet potential life partners (the video above is an example of how this is sometimes achieved). Also there is fear of lack of parents’ support, and  everybody has heard about the ‘divorce rates in Love Marriages’.

Dowry and parental approval also make Arranged Marriages attractive to some.

There is also a minority (I think mostly middle class) where ‘choice marriages’ are not frowned upon, but many Indians see Love Marriages as immoral (I guess because the couple had to ‘interact with the opposite sex’ before they decided to marry…?)

Have you heard about The Lovers’ Party?

Some oppose it because ‘Love Marriages spoil the family system of our nation’. Do you agree?

151 thoughts on “Love Marriages spoil the Family System of our Nation.

  1. “Spoiling the family system in our nation” means spoiling the ability for parents to control kids😛 Just kidding..okay, not really. People making their own choices when it comes to marriage means liberating young Indian adults and not letting parents control the show.

    Mind others, arranged marriages can work out, but there’s nothing wrong with love marriages either.

    I suppose I’m lucky to hear my Indian mom express her sadness over how she didn’t get to marry the man she loved and was forced to marry my biological father. It makes me think just how many other Indians in the old generation were in a similar situation, even though they may advocate for arranged marriages when it comes to their kids.

    Despite my mom’s situation as a young woman, she wants me to get an arranged marriage. She doesn’t support the relationship I’m in now, where I’m in love. What a great way to repeat the cycle of what was done to her.

    Like

  2. Wow, my family has been ruining the country for two generations then- first my parents then me. and I have a sneaking suspicion that my grandparents were not in too arranged a marriage either. I guess ruining the great Indian value system is a genetic defect I have.

    Like

  3. Wow! I went to college in Chennai and this is exactly the feeling I got! Ultimately, I quit after 2 months and started working and finished my education via correspondence. I simply could not handle it. But the 2 months I did go to that jail, it was always hinted that I should stop wearing jeans and start putting on a bindi and blah blah blah. Needless to say, I did not comply.😉

    Neither of the videos load for me😦 I will check them out later. I really badly want to see the first one at least!

    Like

  4. “Love Marriages spoil the family system of our nation’. Do you agree”

    Yes I agree. And I am glad that it does – good riddance!😀

    Like

  5. Sad that we need a Lover’s Party. And I am not sure that quotas will make a difference. As a country we end up medicating symptoms when the core disease (attitudes that are sexist, casteist, chauvinist, controlling….I could obviously go on!) stays untreated. I am increasingly less and less convinced that education (the way our systems supply this) makes a big enough dent in these attitudes.

    Like

  6. in the end it all boils down to money. plain and simple. the so called family values are just a cover-up. if young people start making decisions about their own lives, if they become independent, if they marry a person of their choice, then they have so much more chance of becoming a unit by themselves – a unit that excludes the parents and extended family. so ultimately the parents don’t get a chance of controlling their son’s income (and also dil’s if she’s working). it’s the money which they don’t want to give up.

    Like

      • Agree but sometimes it is the other way round. Boy’s parents feel even more entitled to demanding gifts/functions/cash on account of allowing their son to marry the person of his choice and thus foregoing their birthright of deciding on his life-partner. Of course the girl’s parents on the other hand couldn’t have been luckier to have found a groom for their daughter without having to look – so they better show their gratitude – otherwise it will mean that they “taught” their daughter to go out and trap a groom so that they can escape from their “duties” (or rather “penance”) of being a girl’s parents.

        Like

    • I think it’s also about caste and class. Higher castes don’t want a mixed marriage to preserve their supposed superiority. Lower castes don’t want to get into trouble marrying into an upper caste family or lose the quota edge. And yeah, money also plays a big role. The whole business is based on the notion that individual choice, emotion, etc has no value compared to the larger interest of self/family/creed preservation…

      Like

  7. What I am nonplussed about is why the ban for cell phone use is only for girls and not boys. To prevent them running away, wouldn’t banning phone use by boys also get the same result??

    This ‘separation’ in colleges and buses makes me sick. This is somewhat similar to the way we separated the castes in a bygone era. But here, this enforced separation ends with marriage, and then the parents expect the daughter to jump into bed with the boy they have chosen and start producing babies as also adjust in every which way. Is there any difference between cattle and human children in such cases?? I doubt there is.

    Like

  8. Not a big fan of the family system of the nation, it is just a polite name for the control+slavery tendencies of the older generation towards the youth. If it does so then I am all for it

    Like

  9. Marriages arranged by the community was the norm in all feudal societies throughout the World.Communities following that system had some survival advantage then.Scientific revolution followed by French revolution resulted in decline of feudalsystem.So arranged marriages are on the decline too.

    Like

  10. Strange!
    I saw the first video.
    I was not aware of any such insititution with this kind of segregation.

    Will some reader from Chennai confirm my feeling that these are some rare exceptions and that most colleges have no such system?

    Separate seating in public transport for women is common.

    But I was amused by the separate staircases for girls and boys.
    Separate toilets, of course, that’s normal and necessary.
    But separate stairs? This is ridiculous indeed.

    The only separate stair that I have encountered as a structural engineer, is a stair for use in case of fire. And fire treats males and females the same. Both are welcome to use them to escape.

    What is a stair after all? It is merely a passage for accessing one floor level from another. Do these institutions have separate corridoors too ? Let them be consistent. What about separate doors for entry? And for good measure separate windows that let in air and light for girls and boys separately and through which they can look out separately? What about teachers? Can men teach girls? Can women teach boys? This can be taken to ridiculous extremes.

    I couldn’t view the second video at all, even after clicking on the option to view on Youtube.

    I can’t agree that love marriages spoil the family system.
    If that were true, there would have been no families left in Europe and America where love marriages have been in vogue for centuries.

    Some village panchayats may still be living in another age.
    I am hopeful (nay, sure) that, with the spread of education and communication, all this will be a thing of the past.
    We merely have to wait for one more generation, perhaps two, before we see the end of all this nonsense.

    Regards
    GV

    Like

    • GV,

      I am not from Chennai but i had neighbours/classmates who went to these colleges and all what they show is true. Even in Kerala there are colleges that do the same. As in partition in between the class room so that boys do not even see girls, separate stairways, and even in one college the junior lady staff cannot use the main entrance/ stairway and also wear a lab coat at all times to protect modesty.😦

      Like

      • why just colleges? even the so called ‘international’ schools have ridiculous rules like this. take for example good shepherd international school, ooty. it’s consistently rated amongst the top 10 schools in the country, boasts of fabulous infrastructure etc, yet
        – boys and girls have separate paths they have to walk in
        – interaction amongst boys and girls outside of class is actively discouraged, and children are often pulled up for talking to their peer of the opposite sex
        – they have gender segregated dining areas
        – the girls are not allowed to step outside of their dorms without an ayah accompanying them; the boys have no such restriction
        – the girls cannot be in their quadrangel and have to go inside their dorms when it is time for the boys to return from their games, because the boys pass the quadrangle
        – the girls’ games time is 5 minutes shorter because they have to clear the games field before the boys come out.

        i could go on and on. we’re not talking here about repressive schools and colleges but a school that takes pride in its ‘international’ ness and is considered to be one of the best in the country.

        i asked why they do it; the response was that it was for ‘discipline’ and that many parents are more comfortable with it.

        even the so called educated and aware parents, often NRIs, are comfortable with the idea that segregation is good. what kind of ideas are we putting into children’s heads? it makes me sick to think of it.

        Like

    • GV sir,

      I went to one such college and I can attest to the fact that such colleges do exist, and exist aplenty 😀 It was not in Chennai, it was in rural Tamil Nadu – the town where the college is located does not have a single co-education school. I chose to go to this particular college because it has excellent faculty and lab facilities for one subject that I was interested in. When I joined up I had no idea what I was signing up for. Our first signs of doubt cropped up when we went to meet one of the office personnel inquiring about scholarships. The office manager’s response to us was – “Of course, we understand why you are looking for a scholarship – education is so expensive and you might as well save up for dowry” My mother and I literally burst into laughter at his face.

      My college had separate stairways for boys and girls. In fact, the male and female faculty would stick to their gender’s staircases too. We used to have a Physics HoD who took the mantle of ‘guardian of the sexes’ upon his head, and monitored the staircases to make sure no one went on the other’s staircase. In fact, it was rumoured that he took up an office near the stairs just to keep an eye on them.

      Buses were segregated. Classrooms were segregated (though thankfully there wasn’t a purdah) In my first year, I was class representative, and got pulled up by the ‘disciplinary committee’ because I was passing a note to the boy representative. It was literally a notebook – something the prof had wanted to be circulated around the classroom.

      Labs were segregated too. If we had electrical engineering lab on Tuesdays, the boys would be in the electronics lab at the same time. On Thursdays, we would switch places. This was apparently to ensure that we never got an opportunity to see them face to face, let alone ‘interact’. Sparks might fly if our circuits were bad!

      The worst policies were in the hostels. Boys could come and go as they pleased. I know for a fact that the boys hostels had everything from booze to weed. Whereas, the girls could not leave the campus, had to be back in the hostel by 6 PM every evening, could go home only once in two months, and only if a parent (pre screened) came in person to pick her up! If a girl was unfortunate enough to have a room with windows facing the boys hostel (which was a mile away) her windows would be locked down permanently. Not exaggerating!

      No cell phones allowed, either for hostel inmates or day scholars. In my final year, we had a very shameful incident where faculty told all the students to go somewhere on some pretext and then WENT THROUGH THEIR BELONGINGS looking for a phone!!! These are the teachers we are supposed to emulate?

      All said, my four years there were very entertaining. In my second year, we had a really young, rakish looking assistant professor who taught us fluid mechanics. He was super good with his subject and was very personable and witty. He was probably twenty five, but he looked like he was twenty-two. So one day I walked out of lab with him, talking excitedly about some random result in an experiment that day, when this professor with a big bindi and spectacles perched on the tip of her nose frowned as she passed by. Later she called me to her office. “Do you know you cannot talk to boys in our college?” she asked menacingly. Then I had to explain to her that as unfaculty-like as he looked, he was indeed one of her colleagues, and I could not help the fact that he was personable or unmarried!

      After a point, trying to talk to the faculty or make them see reason was pointless, to I learned to enjoy my time there and break every rule they had ever made. I had excellent grades, so they did not want to get rid of me (because I might potentially bring in a university rank) I had a cell phone with me in college all through without ever getting caught. By the end of final year, I had guy friends from all subjects in my batch as well as my junior and senior batches. This time when I went to college as an alumnus, I went with one of my seniors (a guy) and met the ‘khadoos’ Physics HoD, just for the heck of it. I could already hear the tongues wagging😀

      That said, the experience affected me in a professional manner. I was interested in collaborating on a project with two guys from my class, and I was denied permission. It was a project funded by the DRDO, and I had some good ideas to take it forward. It was blatant discrimination, and that too to uphold some stupid rule. And that is why these rules are dumb – it hinders progress. And it was not like their rules stopped love marriages either – I personally know at least 6 couples in my class – three are married now!

      Nitya

      Like

      • Indu and Nitya,

        Thanks for your responses.
        I am amazed at this confirmation from you.

        Nitya, first things first.
        I am glad to meet another engineer here.
        I read your detailed description with interest and found it most amusing indeed.
        Imagine, in this day and age, you had to experience all this.
        It would have been understandable if our generation had to suffer this segregation.
        At BITS Pilani, where I studied in the sixties, it was a lot more liberal.
        None of the restrictions you describe applied to us.
        Except that the girls lived in a separate hostel, there was absolutely no segregation in the class room or even outside in the library and laboratories.

        Your experience reminds me of an old Reader’s digest joke about a very puritanical priest who was totally against co education and when a new co educational school opened in his locality, he went all out to condemn it while lecturing from the pulpit.

        His audience consisted of simple rural folk who woouldn’t understand big words and the priest tried to use his knowledge of English to scare his parish and make them think of horrible immoral things going on in the new school without uttering a falsehood.

        “Do you know that boys and girls SHARE the same CURRICULUM?” he screamed!

        Encouraged by the look of shock on the faces of his simple audience, he delivered the coup de grace with

        “They even MATRICULATE together!!!

        Thanks for this opportunity to recall and recount this old tale.

        Regards
        GV

        Like

      • GV, you should also check Uma’s blog: http://umsreflections.wordpress.com/2010/04/20/college-or-prison/

        The thing that seems to frighten the parents most about their children is that they might fall in love (before they have ordered them whom to live with). All other problems seem to pale in comparison. A look at our movies past and present) too reveal this. Falling in love is treated as THE crime any girl can commit. Hence talking to a boy is the ultimate crime. The older generation seem not to know how to handle the expression of sexuality in the youngsters and when they try. they do so in all the wrong ways. Except for a handful of people who have it right, the rest trudge the same path of regressive views. In many places beatings and locking up are common to make the children tow the line.

        Like

    • However I support seperate staircases for women in railway stations – Dadar, Kalyan, Dombivili where the men let loose their wild sexual behavior .

      Like

      • Sneha,

        Any reason for singling out just Kalyan, Dadar and Dombivili?
        I ask because I originally hail from Mumbai.
        I was a Matunga/King’s Circle resident for the first 18 years of my life.

        During peak hours, when the local trains pour out their contents, the staircase at EVERY single station is chock full of commuters and rubbing shoulders is inevitable. Frustrated and cowardly sex starved males use this opportunity, but what I am curious about is why you named only Kalyan, Dadar and Dombivili.

        If I were a woman eager to avoid this bitter experience, I would wait for the crowd to thin out before taking the stairs. But I realise this is not practical. Which Mumbaikar has the time to wait. They are always rushing.

        As an alternative, may be a separate lane on the broad stair case could be marked out, with a hand rail separating the “women only” portion from the rest, just as separate compartments exist for women in the train.

        But this cannot be a final solution. What about buses? What about elevators?
        It is distressing to note that some males suffer from this mental disease.
        While most of them are cowards, some do it brazenly. They have the cheek to say that many of their victims did not resist at all, so perhaps they secretly enjoyed it!

        I have watched this happening once and was glad the lady reacted and raised a hue and cry. Others in the vicinity (both males and females) supported her and one enraged male rained a couple of blows on the fellow before he slunk off, hopefully cured of this curious disease.

        I can’t understand it. I am also a male and have NEVER ever felt like doing what these rogue males do, even when I was much younger and libido was much stronger. So it is not something that can be called an inherent or inborn male tendency.

        Women in crowds never behave like this with men if the men are few and women outnumber them. May be some psychologist can explain this?
        Regards
        GV

        Like

      • Hi GV – I should have written every single station, but these are “junctions” and we cannot wait for the crowd to thin — we have another train to catch. we have another 5:14 local to catch – the bombay second you see.

        Oh Yes, I like different entrances for men in elevators and in buses too. In bombay if a woman hits back, others will join in, in other parts of the country – they will think that the woman deserved it! the worst part is the old, orthodox and conservative women think that the women who wore a trouser and top needs to deserve that treatment so that they will straighten their ways ! anyway, this conversation is completely out of the topic. you asked , i answered🙂

        Like

  11. Yes, there is truth in the above statement. Love marriages do spoil the Indian Family system. Because Indian Family system is all about obedience, control, emotional blackmail and “honor”. Love marriages disregard all of the above and give back the control to the individuals to choose what to do with their own life.

    Like

    • It is safe to generalize Indian to Desi (Indian, Pakistani, Bangladeshi). It is like a jail without any bars, you are comfortable but ultimately live a dog’s life, every step of your life is controlled by the older hierarachy of folks who don’t know anything else. Fully concur with the above statement.

      Like

  12. Well, presently I am posted in a Chennai based office, and I really never felt like this. I mean, people here communicate freely with people of the other sex, and everyone of them is Tamilian, (leaving me of course). Anyhow, I feel the separation is emphasized in schools, and colleges. It is really a problem, since I have seen some of my friends who are from Boy’s school, they have this real problem of communicating with girls in the later part of the life. Hope the Tamil Nadu people understand this quickly.

    Like

  13. Yeah, I was given a set of castes to choose from. “We will accept anyone from XYZ castes.” But the man I married didn’t belong to them and I had to face extreme resistance. Terrible terrible days. It’s sad that the years of my life that should have qualified as the best part of my life (20s, young, independent, carefree, in love) was the most traumatic and misberable😦

    Now that I am a parent myself, I fail to understand how can a parent make their own children go through that trauma.

    Like

  14. I really dont know who spoils whom. Love spoils family system or the family system spoils marriages.
    I have been married for five years now and have tried & gone out of the way to adapt to the ways of my husbands family but to no avail. I am still the outsider and the only person that they are bothered with is their son. It is another matter that my husband stands strong by my side all the time.
    But there are times I wonder why I went all out, just because he went all out to adapt to my family, our likes and dislikes. I wanted to reciprocate! My biggest folly to have even tried.
    Today while I still have my husbands support, I am bitter towards by in-laws, am hurt and I dont think I will ever be able to consider them as family. Which is sad, because who doesnt want a house full of in-laws, brother-inlaws, nieces & nephews.People who you can depend on, people who will stand by you when you need.
    But regular taunts on eating habits, clothes, way of life & even putting the AC on makes life unbearable. Also, any expenses that are incurred in the family is always us. If my inlaws return after my brother inlaws babys birth we make their return tickets, wherever my brother in law goes, he comes to our city first and we make the tickets. And there is no appreciation, instead we are blamed for not being involved with the family! What else is involvement if not standing by them in their hour of need? Or is involvement just being together on festivals and giving expensive gifts. Or is involvement covering my head and going to relatives place and keeping quiet when barbs are made at giving birth to a girl child in a male dominated family? If that is involvement then am better uninvolved. What did going out of my way get me? Nothing?
    The point is I have a wonderful marriage because of the man I married. Everyone tells me to forget inlaws, but can I forget them? They are an integral part and it hurts me when they pass stinging comments. I think I am paying price for a love marriage.
    So its not that love marriages ruin the family system. The patriarchal family system, where daughter inlaws are non-entities and married so that sons can have a clean house, food, & sex ruins marriages.

    Like

    • With you – hear your pain. This part is the same in several marriages that are arranged as well…..as for the daughter-in-law not being part of the family is concerned, it does not seem to matter whether the family searched for her or the couple found each other. I know several who are ‘paying this price’, not like there’s any payment needed for doing the proper, I keep my eyes down type ‘girl seeing’!

      Like

  15. My brother went to a college that had this “you should not talk to members of opposite sex”. I think my parents were asked to come to the college to meet the principal because my brother didn’t comply with that particular rule😉 We also got pamphlets every year when he studied in that coll. It went like, ” college is a place where one has to learn and grow, not distract themselves with interactions with the opposite sex. There will be time for this later on in your lives!”(Im not joking) Then, they have this two-stage concept, where culturals are performed by girls for girls(boys are not allowed to be in the audience and vice versa)

    I went to a college that had strict rules w.r.t timings, but none of this Naziness. No wonder there are many people from my college who found their life partners while in college and are pretty damn happy with their choices.

    Just know how many young men and women there are, who don’t bother to listen to what their heart says(in matters of relationships) just because they already know that their parents will not accept? Bloody pathetic.

    Like

  16. The Wheel of “Dharma ( righteousness) “ :-

    1. Study what I say, Do as I say
    2. Choose a career making the maximum money
    3. Marry a girl of my choice
    4. Take care of me in my old age
    5. Produce male children

    Repeat 1 to 5

    Like

  17. our nation has a family system where its important to continue to live in a family where there is no love { we are messiahs } to continue to live with a husband and forgive his “mistake of making love elsewhere } to give kids a battle ground where wars are fought on hometurf . system loves to disapprove love marriage because system will become out of job as there will be no issue settlements

    Like

  18. Whoaaaa! I managed to watch the first video! That is pretty awful. It is not even constitutional! I have always managed to scare people away from harassing me like this by telling them this is against our constitution (I am not even sure it is, lol) and that my father is a lawyer. But how many people have the guts to stand up and talk like that? The problem is that even students believe in segregation. My sister invited a whole bunch of guys and girls to her birthday party and some of the girls were quite unhappy that boys were invited. In short, the boys sat in one place and the girls in another and neither interacted with my sister going between one group to the other. Quite confusing for my poor parents!

    Like

  19. My father-in-law was one of those who believed this and would make dismissive remarks about people whose children married outside the community. Then all his three children had ‘love marriages’ and married outside the community… hee hee!

    Like

  20. I personally feel that women have it worse in Love marriages. They first enter a hostile environment where her husband’s family are viewing her with suspicion, ready to scrutinize, find faults and point out why she is a wrong partner. Then woman is pressurized to embrace her husband’s culture with no one giving any importance to the culture she came from. Her intial days of her married life, where she is supposed to relax and enjoy with her husband is wasted in efforts to get acceptance or fighting many unnecessary battles. When things begin to settle down, its time to make a baby – isnt it? For what it is worth, there may not be a big advantage for a girl if it is a love marriage or an arranged marriage.

    Like

    • yeah exactly! Every sentence stands true for a arranged marriage bride. It doesn’t matter love or arranged marriage if their family system believes that DILs are not to be respected/loved/treated as any other family member as they are someone else’s child. I have noticed that things change for such DILs only after her parent-in-laws pass away. Isn’t that sad.

      Like

      • I am waiting for that day to come. You might feel I’m mean. But I have gone through the same after my love marriage. The worst part is my husband supports his parents all the time and blames me for every wrong thing that happens in the family; even though we live far away from them and even when I have nothing to do with the situation. I hate his family to the extent that I don’t want to even see them, but can’t avoid it due to hubby who just can’t live without them.

        Like

  21. I definitely think that ‘love marriages’ tend to create problems in the joint family system that seems to be prevalent here. But that’s a good thing! My parents were arranged to be married and even they moved out of my dad’s house after being married for 4 years. My dad’s parents were disappointed at first, but even they soon realized that my parents needed some space for themselves. And then my grandparents too were free to pursue activities they liked such as yoga and meditation whatnot. It was a win, win for everyone involved.

    But back on marriage–I find certain types of arranged marriages to be completely ridiculous (website/newspaper ad ones). It’s one thing if the families know each other, have mutual friends, have interacted with each other etc. But to marry your kid to a complete stranger you found on the internet / newspaper ad AND try to justify it by saying you know what’s best is ludicrous.

    Also people don’t seem to realize the serious legal implications of marriage. Your marriage doesn’t just belong to you, it belongs to the state. Governments across the world will see you as one legal entity. Do you really want to risk getting into this kind of a contract with someone you don’t even know?

    It’s very disheartening to know that educational institutions would encourage stifling students’ freedoms.

    Like

    • How well do you really know anyone? All these are modern routes that replace the old ways when families really knew each other. If someone’s going to act up doing something they are not supposed to, they will regardless of whether families know each other or not. In so many cases, entire families have known about sexual preference/substance abuse and actually thought marriage would be the way to ‘solve’ these problems in people.

      Like

      • I definitely agree–you can’t really know anyone unless you’ve spent an adequate amount of time with them. But I can, sort of, a tiny bit understand arranged marriages if they’re done between family friends and whatnot (with approval of the people being married that is).

        But the whole internet/newspaper thing is mind boggling. I read a story about a woman who had called the cops on her wedding party after the husband demanded extra dowry at the last minute. When asked about ‘love’ marriages, she said that she didn’t trust them. Instead, she trusted her parents judgment about some dude they found in a newspaper ad. And she was completely okay with the initial dowry amount her father shelled out.

        Like

  22. The story of Satyabhama in Chennai is very well known in the South. one college in Kerala went as far as to place a screen in between the class so that the male and female students dont even see each other. And what is more surprising is that parents love the place for its “discipline”.

    These ” specimens” when they come out of such atmosphere lack the basic social skills to interact with the opposite gender at workplace. They do not know how to work in mixed groups( they end up forming guys only and gals only sub groups) , start spreading malicious gossip about casual friendship between people of opposite sex, or become painfully shy and withdrawn. I have often heard many of my friends in IT bemoaning these crowds. Also I had a classmate from one of these” hallowed institutes” who really felt insecure, out of place, baffled etc in the extremely liberal coed pg college where i went and used to oscillate between shown of extreme liberal character to stauch conservative. Not to add that she baffled all of us and she never had any close friends on campus.

    Like

    • IHM, Did i violate your commenting policy ?

      Me – No Indu, I was out all day and didn’t have access to the internet. I too missed reading the comments as they came in.😦

      Like

  23. Yes, love marriages do dent the family system. And its a very good thing too, I say! A lot of families see love marriages as a way of losing control of their grown-up children’s lives and are dead set against it. They also see love marriages as undermining the way of live they are used to, and oppose love marriages blindly.

    When I announced to my family that I have found for myself the person I want to marry, the reactions were strange, to say the least. Here is a sample:
    “Why? Don’t you think your parents and family could have found a good match for you?”
    “Don’t you think your parents are better quipped to choose who is best for you?”
    Your parents did so much for you, and this is how you repay them? What a shame!”

    And this wasn’t even from the old people, this was from uncles and aunts in their late 40’s, including people who have been living in the US for over 20 years. My grandmother though stunned everybody by saying “She is the one who has to live with the guy for the rest of her life. I am sure she knows whats best for her. Let her be”. Thus proving that its not age, its attitude!

    Like

  24. How can respect for the opposite sex be cultivated in young minds by keeping them segregated is something beyond my understanding. Those colleges have quite easily taken our country centuries back. For every step we take ahead, morons in power bring the society backward 3 steps.

    Like

  25. What family system? The system where the ‘arranged marriage’ bride has to do ALL the adjusting, the maid gets fired next day, the Bahu of the house gets abused verbally/physically even though it was the ILs who ‘selected’ her, the ageing parents have to dangle the ‘property’ carrot to get some love/attention, if the husband speaks in favour of his wife even ONCE, he is branded as JKG, the daughter of the house still rules the house while the bride is reduced to the status of a maid and she still doesn’t have enough ‘sanskar’ etc etc etc. (not all arranged marriages are like this – only minority though).

    Agree with SS – good riddance then!!

    Like

  26. Ridiculous! Did you notice in the video about segregated colleges in TN how men were allowed to dress in western attire but not women? Why have a co-educational institutions if you want to keep the sexes separate? Money? Misogynists!

    Like

    • Oh yes! But men are not upholders of Indian culture. That part belongs to women. I remember when my parents were still in the frenzy of “seeing boys”. One of the prospective MILs asked a photo of me in a sari to show to their relatives. I replied I would oblige if her son would send me a pic in veshti (dhoti) as I had to show my relatives too.😀 No need to mention, she grinned foolishly and never came back.😉 But yes, I am highly sick and tired of it. I love salwar kameez and saris, but this attitude has put me off so much from them!

      Like

  27. When traditional Indian literature is filled with love songs and love marriages, how can love be a foreign import? Love marriages are our best hope to end caste and religious discrimination.

    Like

  28. A cheeky one there IHM (200% true though!): (some young Indians also believe that their parents are better qualified to raise their children)🙂

    Its appalling to find many young educated, employed fat-salary-earning girls thinking that it is their ‘parents duty’ to part with dowry, hoard up jewels, bear maternity expense et al! By these standards, ‘love marriages’ in India is still a blasphemy! I wonder how with all the education and exposure, our thinking can get regressive..

    Love marriages are complex here given the kind of differences that exist even within a religion and caste.. Once these boundaries disappear, and people stop messing around with other peoples lives (read moral police) life will be far more simpler… And looks like its not going to be any time soon in a nation where the next election is likely to happen within Tihar:)

    That said, it also sad to see the other side (specially in the lower strata of the society) where minor girls elope, get married, bear children and get dumped.. The 15 yr old daughter of a watchman eloped and returned home when she was 2 months pregnant. The saving grace is that the boy (maybe 18 or 19) also came back with her and the girls parents have take them under their wing.. I probably am leading the discussion away from the topic.. Just that I don’t know if we should be happy or sad about such ‘love marriages’..

    Me – Vidya a little less control, a little guidance and some sex education could have saved this situation. And there is no guarantee that the parents would not have married the same girl at 15 to a 28 year old man. At least now she is married to someone she likes.
    In India we object to teenage pregnancies only if the girl is either unmarried or if she chose the father.
    Most of my domestic helpers were married as teenagers and most of them did not like their husbands, generally much older than they were. One used to escape to her mother in law – she was 12 and her husband 24. Now she has three daughters and supports her family financially (husband is unemployed and an alcoholic) and says she won’t repeat her mother’s mistake, her daughters will marry only when they are self reliant and atleast 18.

    Like

  29. Well yes love marriages do spoil the Indian system of values. A system that is based on subjugation, orthodoxy and hypocracy.

    Like

  30. That is nonsense.. how can LOVE spoil the society , love is supposed to make people come together ..

    BUT YEAH we sometimes cant distinguish between Love and lust , the wrong reasons of love.. when people are not sincere to each other and the love lasts till the next day out of bed ..

    me – But Bikram, don’t you think that so long as they are not hurting anybody else, what two consenting, uncommitted adults do is their own business?

    If we look at history its not the lovers but the people who are around the lovers , that HATE the jealousy etc IN There HEART that is spoiling the system …

    Love brings people close.. wish people are not that selfish and give love for love rather then using it for there own reasons ..🙂

    did i go on a tangent here🙂

    Like

    • Lust is good. No harm in lust. What is harmful is control, jealousy and subjugation. A little lust is essential in a relationship. After all, if there is no attraction, there would be no procreation. Simple! We human beings are made that way. And a few heartbreaks here and there, and then moving on smarter and wiser is not a bad thing either. What is harmful is if you are forced to repent one mistake all your life because the society thinks that women ought not to make mistakes.

      Like

  31. Oohhhh someone actually did this story on TN segregation? Awesome. I have always felt it, growing up as I did in Naarth (actually west) India. Someone please do a story on Kerala too, I remember being stared at, at the young age of 11 for wearing jeans in a Kerala town.

    As for love marriages destroying Indian culture, I think some arranged marriages destroyed the whole culture of respecting women that ancient India talked about. So like someone said above, good riddance.

    Me – I wish more people realised that some things are better ‘spoiled’ because they are spoiling the lives of those they control so suffocatingly.

    Like

    • @ cheesychico30,

      if i start my rant on kerala it will never end……but for a sample of how things are

      1. You talk to a man/boy on the street… the news will reach your house before you reach home

      2. When I am in kerala I dare not even now go out alone after 6 pm. it is scary

      3. Men think it is their right to pass any lewd comment for no reason

      4. A girl who walks with her head held high as against looking down while walking is an ” ahankari” and needs to be shown her place by both men and women.

      5. A person who has other intrests other than 9-5 office/home is weird. As in relatives back at home taunt me on the necessity of me still studying dance instead of cooking/cleaning home. Another taunt is that I do not cook at all and work long hours.

      6. Women in Kerala should work as long as it is 9-5 job or at best an IT job. People made it a point to tell my parents that they were fools to allow me to do an MBA post my engineering as that job is “not suited for girls”. You will not get an equally qualified guy for her. Btech is done with a view to get a good husband.

      7. Forget jeans , people stare even if your salwar kameez is well fitted. Most people like you walking around with a tent fitted on and a dupatta pinned in place. A random lady in the city bus once gave me a lecture on how dupatta must be in its place. The fitted salwar kameez thankfully is gaining more popularity. Sleevelss is a nono. Jeans not exactly ok especially if you are married , but again if covered by a “tent” top it is ok. Skirts, capris worn by married women….people will pass smart alec comments.

      8 . You should look married, as in wear thali/sindoor. If you dont do it then everyone and their uncle will tell you about it, never mind the fact that you are out with your spouse. And how dare the spouse hold your hand or put a hand over your shoulder!!!

      9. If married produce a baby in a year. Else you get infinite advice on the importance of having a baby to make you complete.

      10. Women are considered loose moralled if you have an opinion of their own, have guts to travel alone, go to a disc/pub. Mallu men are known to hit the discs/pubs of Bangalore and then crib about the women there when back in Kerala.

      11. I have heard this one from my batch mates in PG…. I will not marry a girl with an MBA as she will be too bold and will not obey/respect me. Also God knows how much they have slept around.

      Shail,

      I would like to read your comments also on this topic

      Like

      • Oh god, you just described all of my summer vacations, LOL. I was 11 for God’s sake and yet I got stared at. I have had very horrid experiences in Chennai and even in some parts of Karnataka. People from these respective states, I hope you don’t take offence because I am talking about my experiences and opinions formed thereof. My teenage experiences were doubly traumatic because our South Indian culture meant I wore drab colours and ill fitting clothes, but since I lived in Western India, I was a misfit. My relatives in the South thought I was too modern and back where I lived, I was too conservative. Its not even funny how confusing all of it was.

        Even today, most of my relatives think I am too modern especially now that I have lived on my own. Many of them even think that I won’t marry because I am too career oriented or modern and these type of women don’t adjust and so they prefer staying single (assumptions all of them).

        In the South, women and men are kept as separate as possible. Men who try to mingle with both sexes are made fun of and women who attempt that are branded loose. You have to be covered head to toe and in ill fitting dresses, the good dresses are only for the ‘Bombay’ item girls the men ogle at from front rows of theaters. An apt representation of the patriarchal system there are the movies. The heroine is either someone who changes the man’s life for the better by being oh so sacrificial, or she is someone who ruins it because of her vile ways.

        Anyways, before this becomes a personal rant, I need to stop🙂

        Like

      • @Indu,
        When I saw cheesychic30’s ‘Someone please do a story on Kerala’ a lot of things came to mind and then I saw your comment. I was nodding my head so much, I thought it might fall off. Every point is true. What else can I add?? I have touched upon some of my experiences in my blogs.
        Quite recently I hit a man with my handbag for patting by bottom while coming out of a movie hall. I couldn’t get my hands on him or would have scratched him. Bah.

        Like

      • I think this attitude applies to all of India. At some levels the segregation is always there and just the nuances are different. Except perhaps in a few metros that can be counted on one hand. Namely, Mumbai, Delhi and Bangalore.

        Like

      • Come to think of it, my grandmother used to say that even though they did not have so much freedom of marriage or decisions those days, they could actually make male friends. She still is in touch with male classmates. Which I found wonderful. I mean, they were friends and used to visit home like any normal friend. That was so much healthier than this segregation. I mean, seriously, no one is wishing to fall into bed with the first person of the opposite sex you meet! That kind of thing only happens when you come from a repressed culture.

        Like

      • I also happen to think that sexual harassment is more in the South than even in Delhi! (Having lived in both places) And that is saying a lot, considering that Delhi is supposed to be the rape capital of India. I am just wondering whether these men in the south simply refrain from going to the extent of raping and get their pleasure merely from pinching bottoms, passing lewd comments and staring at your breasts, or whether the rate of rapes going unreported there is tremendous.

        Like

      • you said it, girl!
        *vertical nod, vertical nod, vertical nod*
        that is soo typically Kerala.

        That’s more or less the Kerala I lived in during the early years of my life. The way I dealt with it was by following the “When in Rome, be like the Romans” logic. I couldn’t make myself wear the tent, but treaded mostly over the line.
        Now I live in a place where I can be myself, and these people come up with “You have changed so much!!” “This ‘makeover’ makes you look smart” (notice, not that ‘you look smart’) and other such seemingly sugar coated taunts😀

        Like

      • I totally agree with the Kerala part! In my first 23 years at kerala I have been through this all. It doesnt matter what you wear, you will be stared at. You should not even remotely look naive /innocent if you dont want to be patted. no one from the crowd or onlookers will support you if you slap a ‘patter’. I learned this when I was 13.I slapped and pushed a man out of the bus when he patted me. Everyone watched as if I was mad.
        I was surprised to see my mom’s 10th standard pics where half the class wore micro mini skirts and well fitted shirts. That must have been in the 70s. When it came to our generation it was all baggy for the sake of protection!
        Even now there are wedding where guys and gals have different meals and auditoriums.
        A woman who drinks is definitely loose moralled.
        If you are married and do not wear a red bindi couple with the sindoor, you dont care about your husband/relationship.
        The list just goes on…

        Like

      • @ indu
        its the society we live.. the customs.. norms .. etc.. etc.. can i ask you .. would you dare to wear a saree in uk or in any other western county .. i hope not you will ever wear a saree.. in a western county .. well i want to remind you a proverb .. when in rome do as romans.. do.. .. if you are in kerla do as keralite do ..

        Like

        • Don’t you think customs change because some Romans dare to put common sense above old habits?
          Customs are only habits that have lasted a so long that some of us are afraid of changing them.
          ‘ The old order changeth, yielding place to new,
          Lest one good custom should corrupt the world..’

          Like

  32. …. I thought MY parents were bad! Still, considering they used these exact same lines on me (“this is the time for you to concentrate on studies, blah blah blah”) and exact same reasonings to monitor all my contact with boys (or so they thought, heheheheh) during my teens and early twenties, I guess I should just be glad we were not in India and the whole of society wasn’t built around supporting their idiotic notions!

    Thanks for posting these, IHM. Very interesting.

    Me – And so you know why we have such a fear of the Western Influence! The first video is extremely sad. Just how regressive can we get? We never faced all this in my college years in the eighties.

    Like

  33. Wow! the video was shocking. The two men who commented about Tamil culture and how it is for the safety of the girls because of the clothes they wear etc made me cringe.

    I actually know of a neighbor’s daughter who was complaining that she has to wear a full sleeve salwar kameez and not a half sleeve one because that is the dress code in the college.
    I went to a Engg college in the same city and I was shocked at how these private institutions have come up with their own bizarre rules. The sad part is that the girl’s mom was very happy with the college saying I know now my daughter is safe and won’t fall in love with some random guy and bring dishonor to the family.
    This is how most of so called “educated” parents think in TN (even in cities like Chennai).The students are just resigned to their fate but don’t have any control over this issue.

    10 years ago, I had a lot more freedom in my college and we had a lot of time to talk and be friends and also fall in love if we liked somebody and the college didn’t seem to care. I think such interactions are very very critical to developing good future relationships and understanding the opposite sex.
    Sorry about the long comment.

    Me – BB loved your long comment. I am trying to imagine wearing full sleeves in such hot weather, basically all these are ways of controlling.

    Like

  34. Liked the post! A lot!
    To answer your question ‘love marriages spoil the family system of our nation, do you agree?’

    I would say they are changing the family system of our nation and nothing could be better (Totally agree with SS there.) May be Love marriages will be our way out of the patriarchal system.

    I was in a Foreign Language class today and we were debating about Women’s rights and a young man (probably in his early early twenties) says Women are like cows, they are best domesticated! You can imagine my rage, It took everything out of me to sit put in my seat! (now I am regretting I didn’t at least break his tooth as a souvenir for his VERY sexist self!)

    How would that guy ever find a women if it weren’t for arranged marriages!

    Me – He might need a traditional Arranged Marriage to not just get married but also to stay married afterwards.

    Like

  35. I think the family system of our nation depends on successful marriages more than how the marriage happened in the first place.

    Which mode of marriages is more successful is again debatable, saying all arranged marriages are successful or all love marriages are successful would be incorrect.
    Me – I agree, though I do feel the traditional arranged marriages, where the man and woman had absolutely no idea about each other (no meeting, seeing, say etc), were a huge gamble, where those gambling had no choice in even if they wanted to gamble.

    Like

    • Its not so much the fact that it is arranged or not, it has more to do the dynamics under which these unions take place. The parents in particular the mother is always pulling the strings can calling all the shots, the people under arranged marriages have effectively given up their free will but more importantly it has been taken away from them in the name of love, rights and everything under the sun.

      Whats really befuddling is that the parents puch their children to get the same unions they spent their lives being miserable in. I guess familiarity brings comfort or the desire to control the childrens life seems to be more important than being happy for them. The love is not unconditional, its funny desi people often lament western ‘goras’ having animals in the house but they forget they treat their children the same way. The dog has a good comfortable life but he needs permission for everything, every move is watched and any attempt to exert independence is squashed like a bug.

      Arranged marriages could work if the parents could just leave the poor souls alone and let them figure their own lives but this ain’t happening anytime soon.

      Like

  36. The parents are more to blame than the colleges I feel. The majority of the parents of these college going children are actually happy about the strict segregation and other rules. So the college seems to be catering to them.

    Like

    • yes, these prisons exist because parents want it.
      so what is the answer? making educational loans more readily and cheaply available? children choosing to take on more financial responsibility for themselves? we’re talking at least 18 yr olds here. but do they want to do it? how many teens who don’t need to work actually go out and work?
      it’s easy enough for everybody to point fingers. finding answers is not as simple.
      but then when you’re conditioned to think that parents know best, that you have no rights or say in your life, that obedience is paramount, unless you’re an extraordinary person, you go along, till one day you realise it doesn’t work!
      i’m so glad for discussion forums like this – it opens people’s minds to different possibilities!

      Like

  37. My mom especially did not want to send me to an all girls school or college because she thought that putting unnecessary restrictions on the kids make them want to do it even more! She felt that if we regularly interacted with the opposite sex, we would not run away with the first guy we set our eyes on and actually think through who we wanted to live with. How true!

    All this extra conservativeness / controlling behavior is a very recent development. My mom fondly remembers all the friends she had while she was studying, which included guys. And they still are in touch and visit each other when they are in town. If the parents themselves turned out OK without such ridiculous restrictions, why do they suddenly feel the need to impose it on their children?

    Like

  38. I’m really encouraged that in spite of all this, we have a man who is willing to set up a “lover’s party” for what he thinks is right. The fact that no one can file a case against him for this gives me hope🙂

    But on a serious note, I think such segregation by deemed universities should be illegal. Since these colleges have government approval, it’s tantamount to it being a government policy. This seems ripe for an appeal to the Tamil Nadu High Court to do something about it.

    Like

      • Glad to know realisation has set in and that the Govt will act.

        Is it only Tamilnadu? Or is this prevalent in other states too?
        I am not aware of any college in Karnataka that practices this kind of segregation.

        There are some non co-educational schools/colleges, of course, but that is okay. But once an institute is declared co-educational, none of these restrictions apply.

        This blog post and the comments have been an eye-opener for me.
        Regards
        GV

        Like

  39. How ridiculous is this whole thing?! We are now questioning ourselves and people around us and wondering if we have the right to choose who we want to live our life with! I mean, shouldn’t this be the most basic human right? Why should there be any room for doubt? What is there to discuss ?

    Me – Pepper did you see the videos? Unbelievable both of them, but one is atleast a protest of sorts…

    Like

  40. I admit I will sound like an ignorant North Indian, but I remember thinking and hearing that South India treats their women better, especially in a matrilineal (or matriarchal society) in Kerala? Reading these comments are interesting.

    Like

    • one of my Punjabi friends thought the same based on the Malayalee men she knew at work. And you know what, I thought that Punjabi men treat their women better. I worked in Chandigarh for a while and I found the guys there easy to get along with, and less judgemental and repressive. And finally, we both reached the conlusion that we were both making wrong assumptions on the basis of such a specific cross section of people, and making them representatives of all the men from their respective regions. So, there.
      From my personal experience by virtue of living in different Indian cities in South/North India, I believe that such repression exists in most places (less in metros). Although people have different methods of implementing such repressive measures. Some people make women cover up themselves from head to toe, some people seggregate boys and girls in schools, some people choose to not send their girlchilds to school at all, etc.

      Like

      • Usha, my mom is from U.P. and she also firmly believes that Punjabi men are the most open-minded, modern and treat their women like queens. She doesn’t want to even believe the articles on infanticide rates, because it challenges her beliefs.

        I guess the grass is greener on the other side.🙂 My boyfriend is European and I think he’s great, but it turns out his country is also stereotyped to be wife-beaters and chauvinistic drunks. I met a white woman from his country that thinks Indian men make the best husbands.

        Like

  41. Hi IHM, my first time here.
    Could not resist commenting – my questions to the ongoing debate are –

    No matter what the parents want and wish – and every parent wants the bestest groom/bride for his/her child – can they guarantee that this ‘unknown’ person chosen for their child, in whose hands they are entrusting the life of their son/daughter (i speak of both in this case) – can they guarantee that this girl will keep my family together as my daughter-in-law, or can they guarantee that this boy will keep my princess happy?
    No parent can guarantee that. When the decision of a life-time is made by parents and god-forbid, things go wrong, apart from the distress on the child, imagine the guilt that the parents would feel for having pushed their child into such strife. Not their mistake at all. Would not blame them.

    Those were times, when kids used to follow their parents’ values – not anymore. I would not bring all humanity under this discussion, but times have changed and most kids like to be self-dependent, are moving away from family and developing their own values and cultures. So, gone are the days when the credibility of a son/daughter could be successfully decided by the good name of the parents. Most kids, not all, but most kids these days, dont stop at thinking twice before doing things that would hurt their parents’ name and feelings.

    Although arranged marriages are a sort of gamble, yet, i would say, it is about finding the right person, whether in an arranged or love marriage – and this is very very difficult.

    Regds,
    Punam

    Like

    • That is not quite true. It is only believed that if the parents have a standing in society, theirs is a good family.

      The personal habits of the girl or boy does not come into the equation at all. After all, if they are mooching about elsewhere, they would not have been doing it with their parent’s consent or knowledge. Also, there is this attitude that “shaadi karo do, apne aap sambhal jayega/jayegi”. As if getting married makes people more responsible! I have known a case where the two fathers were very good friends and one of the father proposed his own son’ marriage to the other KNOWING that his son was no good. The woman’s life was ruined and there was pretty much nothing she could do about it.

      The problem is that many times one does not know what goes on behind closed doors. The prospective bride / groom may be abusive, have psychological issues, have a relationship they have not put an end to after marriage, and so on. Who cares? Parents know best, right?

      Like

  42. I wanted to write about love marriages and how they spoil the society and all but this sorry state of affairs in our southern states looks horrible. I always thought that 100% literacy means an evolved society , at least some degree of evolution … but this is absolutely regressive .
    Some of the comments about TN and Kerala shocked me …

    You know in a democratic state like ours where the people are so ignorant and absolutely regressive in thinking , how can they select a politician from their locality who takes the right kind of decisions . Its like these are the kind of people who are running our country …i feel sad and disgusted .

    Love marriages will keep happening and will increase in numbers …i wish they didn’t have to pay the price for getting married like this , which is so very common….it’s like you break one rule and pay for the aberration you caused …sick.

    I am glad people are talking here , and i know more people are reading ….change is happening for the better…but why so slow…who likes dowry and who wants communal riots …. inter-caste and inter-religious marriages are the only way out of this rotten society ..

    Like

  43. Pingback: An Email: “I really like this guy, but I’m not sure I can handle his parents’ hatred or begrudging approval.” « The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  44. Pingback: An Email: “I really like this guy, but I’m not sure I can handle his parents’ hatred or begrudging approval.” « The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  45. I have very fond memories of years spent in co-ed at Central schools across the nation(dad’s transferable job).Co-ed helps you develop a healthy attitude towards coexistence with the opp sex in all walks of life.Childhood ‘girl’ friends and ‘boy’ friends still share a strong bond of friendship in my circle.Later there was a lot of excitement to join junior college,meet new ppl and get to know more boys .That is fun part of growing up ..How can a group of people decide it is wrong !?
    About love marriage,well I faced a hell lot of opposition from my dad, so much so that he refused to do kanyadaan and made my kaka do it .The opposition was more due to male ego on my dad’s part (no boy can be good enough for his princess specially so if not selected by him) rather than opposition to the concept of love marriage per se. So he sulked for months and then all was well.I am glad I paved way for many more love marriages in my extended family in Rajasthan and they thank me for it.
    About dowry, there is no guarantee that love marriages mean no dowry. My dad ensured no lena-dena happened for mine and my brother’s wedding but sadly I can not say the same in the other cases. In-laws demand, parents give and youngsters do not protest…so khulle aam dowry system continues.😦

    Like

  46. On the contrary, I see a lot of love lost (between parents and kids, between siblings, between relatives, between people in love) and a lot many marriages affected, all because of this Great Indian Family System, for which, every Indian seems to have his/her own version. And they clash. And how!

    Like

  47. It’s a hollow ego issue. Like you and many people have said here, it’s about their desire to control the lives of their “children”. Mine is a love marriage and my in-laws didn’t oppose it directly but past 3.5 years of marriage and I see that silent opposition day in and day out being spelled out in lots of things which began with my insistence to keep my maiden surname… from choice of clothes to food habits to belief in God… i could go on.
    We do not stay with them which saves much of the horror. My husband’s elder brother has had a typical arranged marriage, so my MIL says…”ek bahu meri pasand ki aa gayi acha hai, doosri koi bhi chalegi”, I don’t know what to think of this statement of hers! At times you will feel hurt that you are not that “involved” or considered an instrumental part of your husband’s family as a arranged marriage DIL is… the change or shift in attitudes is happening, but its too slow to show a significant impact. I pray for more such “love marriages” that “spoil the family system of our nation” so this change can be more revolutionary.

    And about the colleges’ strict disciplinary crap… well I have worked in the Chennai offices of two of the leading IT companies of India and have observed the issues a majority of people from such colleges face. They hardly have any confidence level, they just cannot handle team work, if a member of the opposite gender asks them something as basic as where do they live or which place they belong too or what would they like to order for lunch at a team lunch outing… they are tongue tied, they will fumble.

    I remember a news I read when i was in Chennai… a young school going girl committed suicide as she was “punished” by being made to sit between two “boys” of her class. reda about it here http://articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/2008-10-12/chennai/27904341_1_corporation-school-teachers-velachery . It’s heart breaking!

    Like

  48. Pingback: Should you get married if you are not sure if marriage is for you? « The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  49. Yes they do.
    My roommate started fighting with his fiancee right after their engagement. And you people say that “Love Marriages are great”.😆

    Thanks to people like you India will become a wh0reh0use within 100 years.
    or may be there will not be any India left ….:(

    Like

    • That’s one example out of hundreds, no…MILLIONS of love marriages. And how does choosing who you want to spend your life with go with having loose morals?

      Like

  50. I have done a post on this once before – about how much disapproval we still face after 5 yrs of marriage…
    I have written about how difficult it was to get married….

    It’s rubbish and it’s controlling
    It’s also illogical and extremely selfish of parents to not let their grown-up children live their own lives

    Like

  51. Wow! Looks like all rules are only for girls. How come nobody tells the boys not to fall in love,wear only lungi/dhoti to college (since thats really “our” culture) and not take a cell phone incase they get calls from girls?

    Like

  52. Pingback: On love marriages and my story.. « A dash of Pepper…

  53. Love marriages are definitely better because you know what you are getting into! Both my elder sisters got married according to their choice, and are happy.. Some people assume that because its a love marriage, there will be no problems but that is not possible simply because every relationship has ups and downs..
    My friend’s parents arranged her marriage to a guy, and she did not like him because she thought they were incompatible.. A large hue and cry was created when she refused, and the parents began assassinating my friend’s character (because she was involved in a relationship earlier) in front of friends, neighbors, and relatives to prove that they are right and have found her a good match. I was so shocked and saddened to see all this. And then all the aunties who are clearly not happy with their marriages go on to brag how they’ve been married for 20-30 years and are happy and all that crap.. and how its important to adjust, etc. and then one of them claimed that their son who married according to his choice has issues with her wife.. I really wanted to ask her – and you don’t have issues with our husband?
    I am a Punjabi and feel that Punjabi men are chauvinists.. and I thought that men from south India are better because I’ve found them to be more cultured and educated.. but reading all this makes me feel I’m wrong!

    Me – I feel generalizations are generally inaccurate, people can’t be accurately categorized into Punjabis, Gujratis or South Indians.

    Like

  54. The fear that girls might start choosing their own partners is very strong, it’s obvious that these ‘elders’ realise that most girls (women) would not choose to marry into misogynistic families,

    BERHAMPUR: A body of Orissa’s Paikali Khandayat caste banned the use of mobile phones among unmarried girls to prevent them from “going astray”.

    “Girls fall in love after they come into contact with boys through mobile phones. This creates trouble,”

    Like

  55. love marriages spoil family – this is an idiotic idea, Indians and many asian communioties have been well indoctrinated and brainwashed by religious and self seeking leaders fr centuries. This arranged marriage system must be destroyed so that human beings can live as human beings

    Like

  56. Pingback: Fighting For Women’s Responsibilities | Women's Web: Online Community For Indian Women

  57. The idea that arranged marriages are reliable is a wrong idea , it is only because of social taboo alone Indian girls and boys are avoiding divorce. In the case of love marriages all relatives combined together do everything to break the marriage. Majority of Indian young men opt for arranged marriage, because only in this evil system they can safely demand and take dowry and other benefits in the name of marriage.

    Like

  58. Pingback: Five kinds of marriages in modern India. Which ones would you ban? | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  59. Arranged marriage is the real torch bearer of casteism and communalism. Even in classical literature of all Indian languages love marriages are mentioned than why this hatred for love marriages, many young men prefer arranged marriage only for the sake of dowry.

    Me – Very true Amudhan!

    Like

  60. Pingback: Of Adarsh Bhartiya Purush on the International Women’s Day. | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  61. I am an engineer and so is my husband.. We were in the same college and fell in love and got married… So I found this post a lot ridiculous.. By the way me and my husband met in college only thrice… al the love happened through sms… Our parents were waiting for both of us to finally REALIZE that we are made for each other when we were still confused and still thought of each other as frens…

    Basically my point is, love can and will happen if it has to happen.. no one or no restrictions can stop it… There are even stories that a man saw a woman’s feet, fell in love, followed her and asked her hand in marriage to her dad…

    Like

      • I feel you guys are just seeing the positive aspects of a liberated culture and negative aspects of traditional indian culture and not considering the overall picture.

        Because of the traditional indian culture, indian men dont treat women like whores, except for few rogues here and there. They do not expect to sleep with their girlfriend within 2 weeks unlike in western countries. We do not bring up kids in broken house. Older men do not divorce their wives and go after younger women.

        Like

        • The restrictions shown in the video above are too stringent. But i feel it is always better to have some segregation between men and women as it helps in avoiding the moral crimes done in the name of love.

          Love marriages arent that great because young men and women do not know what they want or do not know what they want in future when they are 35,40,45…Arranged marriages where the girl, guy, parents where everyone agrees seems to be a better approach as you need the guidance of someone who has led life for 60-70 years. At the age of 20 all i wanted was a beautiful girl, it didnt matter if she was of my religion or if she was a vegetarian or not. I might be happy when i am dating a beautiful girl from a different back ground like if she is a christian(i am a hindu), nonvegetarian(I am a vegetarian), she is from north india. But it wont be the same when i start living with her and life is too short to make these many adjustments.

          Like

  62. Pingback: Do some of us see anything that is done purely for pleasure (no moral or monetary benefits), as wrong? | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  63. Pingback: How illegal bans on Valentine’s day and birthday parties are connected with dowry deaths and sex selection. | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  64. Pingback: “Wonder how I survived for 4 years in this hell hole!!” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  65. Pingback: “Why didn’t these women find life partners by dating?” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  66. Pingback: What Khaps need is a strictly implemented law against Forced Marriages. | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  67. Pingback: Making Marital Rape a legal offence is the fastest way to make it clear that Rape means forced sex, not lost Virginity or Honor. | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  68. Pingback: An email: I am 18 year old male from a traditional (read:backward) Indian family. | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  69. Pingback: Where is the opportunity for Indian men to learn the most natural thing in the world – finding a mate?? | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  70. I did my graduation in Delhi and during those years I was very suffocated seeing arranged marriages/ segregation of work loads for boys vs girls etc.

    This seemed strange to me, Since I come from the North East. In my state I had never witnessed something like that before. No matter how much people bad mouth our culture I have not seen such demarcation for Boys vs Girls anywhere in the 7 Sister States. My grandparents choose their own life partners. My 7+ uncles/aunts on both my Mom’s side and Dad’s side have married their GF/BF which obviously they have chosen. For the 3rd generation kids that I am a part of, the parents except that they should be independent enough to find their own partners. In my family they literally laugh at someone for whom “the parents have to look for a match”.

    Apparently,my grandmother says, “if you can’t make the most important decision in your life yourself then we have taught you nothing”.

    Like

  71. Pingback: BJP and Trinamool are objecting to a lower age of consent on the ground that this is in conflict with “conservative norms” of Indian society. | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  72. Pingback: Why did Sharad Yadav say, ‘Who amongst us has not followed girls?’ | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  73. Pingback: “His parents had already found a girl from his community who they feel is ‘perfect’ for him.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  74. Pingback: Everybody knows what women should do to not ‘get molested’ in India. | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  75. Pingback: Haryana killing : Here is a father A P Singh might want to defend. | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  76. Pingback: What kind of grooms, do you think, do honor killing, violent parents want their daughters to wed? | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  77. Pingback: How do you think would the ‘social order’ be impacted with this kind of parenting? | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  78. Pingback: “One of the so-called best professor of my department … advices his students (girls) that men can be satisfied only by two things…” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  79. Pingback: ‘Male students do not need parental approval and come back late…’ Who benefits from such discriminatory rules? | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  80. Pingback: Inter Religious marriages. | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  81. Pingback: Is it possible that the ones whose disapproval is dreaded the most are those who are most likely to express disapproval (and occasional approval)? | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  82. Pingback: “I am betraying my parents, country and culture by not having an arranged marriage, people are talking, younger sisters not getting married.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  83. Pingback: “Everyone knows, when she decides not to keep relation, she will do that. But I don’t want to go far away from my mother, I want her to be with me.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  84. Pingback: ‘Daughters growing older, their egos becoming bigger, their attitudes and behavior becoming more boorish..’ | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  85. Pingback: Punjabi University locks girls in hostels to prevent ‘nuisance’ on Holi | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  86. Pingback: And here is why women are so helpless in marriage issues and in their martial home. | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  87. Pingback: “According to my mom, friendship with guys should always be limited to academics, nothing personal.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  88. Pingback: Inter sex mingling in coed schools – permitted or not? | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  89. Pingback: Are schools right in enforcing such strict boundaries between interactions between girl and boy students? | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  90. Pingback: The Groom pleaded with the Bride, telling her that he would not be able to face friends and neighbours if he returned without her. | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  91. Pingback: On love marriages and my story.. « A dash of Pepper…

  92. Pingback: Friendships between men and women | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  93. Pingback: “I gathered all my courage and I have confessed about my relationship with the guy to my parents.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s