Kyonkee Husbands bhi kabhi Sons the.

One hears about men “caught between the woman who raised them and the woman they have to spend their life with.”

I have met mothers who seem to want to protect their adult, married, sons from their spouse’s lack of consideration and ‘attempts to dominate’. And I have met wives who want to undo the damage caused by a neglectful mothers.

One mother said her son complained that he missed hot chappaties because his wife was working and he wished she would work from home. He told his mother that he wished the younger woman was like her, well read and intelligent, but also an efficient homemaker.

Does he sound like he was caught between two bickering women? His mother did demand the daughter in law changes her job, I blogged about it here, but at the time I had blamed only the mother.

Another son complained that his wife couldn’t keep the house as clean as his mother did and wanted the mother to teach her how to run a house (in this case he was unemployed and had lost the mother’s savings in poor investments, but I am sure one doesn’t need to be unemployed to object to incompetence). The incompetent wife is under the impression that the son had an unhappy childhood because the mother was busy making a career, he missed being served hot meals.

Does he sound like a victim? He says the quarrels between the two of them make him go crazy and perhaps he needs to be ‘strict’ (this was meant to be a joke). He reminded me of Ruchi’s husband.

A third son I know had complained to his mother that the wife was not capable of taking good care of the children. I know that in this case his mother advised him to participate in child rearing. This same man also complains to his wife about his mother’s lack of interest in cooking during his childhood, but the wife hired a cook so she could give more time to the kids (who were anyway doing great).

Obviously these are just a few cases, but I am sure there are many more such husbands and sons.

In the first half of a two-part series, clinical psychologist Salma Prabhu advises men on how to keep mother and wife happy.

Do take a look. (Thanks for sharing Kavitha)

Here are some parts I noticed.

“… if a man is unable to take decisions alone it reflects upon the mother. Such a relationship could become overly protective and hamper growth. “

“…you both are going to raise children together, send them off into their own lives and grow old together…”

“Respect is the most vital element… Your mother loves you unconditionally and will ignore disrespectful behaviour, but a wife has expectations and cannot forgive transgressions…”

What do you think?

Related posts:

The Invisible family member in the saas bahu post..

Ruchi’s husband.

My dreams are more precious than yours.

['Kyonki Husbands bhi kahbi Sons the'  translates to 'Because husbands too were once sons.' ]

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72 thoughts on “Kyonkee Husbands bhi kabhi Sons the.

  1. This sentence says it all- … if a man is unable to take decisions alone it reflects upon the mother. Such a relationship could become overly protective and hamper growth. “

  2. Well is a MALE cant stand for himself or for his partner then he is not to be called a MAN.
    sorry i do beleive that you should always stand by your partner is that not what we are taught a husband should protect and its called the better half for a reason..

    So a MAN is that … yes parents are there and mother too but mother has lived her life with her husband.. now its the man and his wife who have to make there life ..

    just my views maybe i am wrong but thats what i beleive in

  3. Didn’t like the article 100%, but I did like this “Convey to your mother that your wife is capable of taking appropriate decision regarding dressing, socialising, spending money, raising children and visiting parents, and should be left alone in these matters. ” Bang on!

    Why isn’t the clinical psychologist advising the guy to also cook for the two impt women in his life? And I somehow didn’t like the advice that the wife should not be at all involved in how much money the husband gives his mother…

    And if the older woman wants help with the housekeeping, hey, how about her son also pitched in, in addition to hiring help? How conveniently the man is left out of the kitchen and housekeeping. He just gets to throw money at the problem.

  4. There is no point in writing about this mother-son-wife issues. This is because women generally tend to value relationships more than men. And so, they will always vie for a better stand, position and respect in a relationship.

    Hence, these types of fights between the mother and the wife over the Guy(son or husband as the case may be) will always exist…yawwwnnnnn

    • Vivek men need relationships as much as anybody else. Men also need to express how they ‘feel’ about these relationships- but we have set stereotypical gender standards, and men are encouraged to express only with aggression, like they are allowed to show anger when they are hurt, or else they are expected to express no feelings – not fair again and this is known to cause stress and hyper-tention.

      • IHM…its true to some extent that men also need to ‘feel’ about their relationships. Therefore, its up to the male to manage the women in his life.

        But in the context of this blog post, my only advice to men would be that if you can’t handle two relationships (husband and son), then please don’t get married just to fulfill your needs(food, sex, etc).

    • “Hence, these types of fights between the mother and the wife over the Guy(son or husband as the case may be) will always exist…yawwwnnnnn”

      Always?? Don’t be too sure about it :) This blog post is in itself an indication of how the thinking is changing. A man for whom you have to fight for with his mother is NOT worth having at any cost. It is better that the mother keep such a son herself. How long do you think it will be before women insist that they want to marry adults and not overgrown babies?!

      • Shail, you are right on. If a man expects his wife to defer to his mother/family on every issue and refuses to protect his wife from his family’s snide remarks and seemingly innocent barbs, then he should stay single. I also want to say that it’s not only the female conjugal kin who’s to blame, I know several FILs who can beat women hollow as far as “bahu-control” is concerned. :)
        I don’t know a single man who is willing to tolerate bad behavior from his wife’s family, yet many men expect their wives to acceed to the in-laws’ most outrageous demands without batting an eyelid. And the wounded look they get when their wives complain is just priceless. What it really say is: “What, you mean you don’t like my wonderful family? Why? What did they ever do to you? My mom was right, you’re out to destroy us. I should have listened to her. Momma, where are you? Waaaah!”

  5. Read just the first part. Am I the only one seeing this or is this person saying respect is important in the first part and then saying that the mom will condone disrespect in the next? Also, why is it the mother’s problem that an adult man is not capable of making decisions? The guy needs to be told to stand on his own feet (and this is applicable to daughters too). Where was the father?!

    I find this advice quite nauseating, to be honest. It does not give credence to the fact that we are talking about adults here. And seems quite manipulating – if I want to spend time with my mom, it should be because I want to spend time with her. Not because my spouse is out and therefore I can!

    As a mom to a son and daughter and a wife/daughter/daughter-in-law, I would hope that ours and future generations get independent and sincere pretty quick.

  6. The male who is brought in a very protective family, tend to give more importance to his mother! But the mother should understand and make her son to give importance to his wife too…she should help them to lead a happy life. If the daughter in law comes to know what her mother in law is doing to help them, she might be an asset to the family and she will bring up her children too, in the same way.

    If the mother is dominant and son is weak, the whole family’s life will be one hell, I feel.

    Once we get old, we should be sensible to see that our children live happily like we did. There are so many ways for the parents to spend their time without disturbing the children. All of us should realize that we, as parents, are always there for them and they, as children, are always there for us…if this is understood, most of the problems will be solved.

  7. Good write-up.

    It actually amazes me that a grown man would ask his wife to make drastic changes in her life just so that he, his royal highness can get hot food. Just what the hell is wrong with this guy?

    Does the wife have some kind of magic spell which makes her chappaties hotter and better than his own? Why can’t he learn to cook them himself? Better yet, why can’t he grow up mentally and become an adult?
    Hot food is a luxury, not a necessity. If you or your wife can cram it into the daily schedule, great. If not, then just too bad. You should not expect (and CERTAINLY not demand!) that your wife changes her career path just because you suddenly have an intense craving for mom’s hot rotis.

    “He told his mother that he wished the younger woman was like her, well read and intelligent, but also an efficient homemaker”

    Okay, and I told my mother that I wished my bank balance was as big as Crown Prince Sultan bin Abdul Aziz Al-Saud’s.
    You know, people are like stones on a river bank. They have their own quirks and edges and oddities. This is what makes them unique and often, this is what truly makes them beautiful. People (such as a wife) cannot be tailor-made to your exacting specifications. It is like trying to turn a stone into a square brick – you cannot do it without breaking the stone into little pieces first and destroying it’s beauty, destroying what made it uniquely IT.
    Why not change yourself instead? Why not learn to become a better housekeeper or a better cook or whatever, yourself?

    Let’s be clear on one thing : Cooking and keeping house are extremely valuable skills to have. Not for a moment should anyone consider them menial tasks or ” woman’s work”. If a wife does everything for her husband, it is a matter of shame, not pride.

    My own mother, control-freak though she is, has never really been the over-protective type. So maybe I’m not really qualified to comment on this. Be that as it may, however, I’ve always taken pride in being an independent person. I don’t think I’d be comfortable at all in a situation where my wife cooked all the time while I sat around, wringing my hands. I don’t mind it when she does it sometimes. I do it for her too. But the kind of helpless dependence demonstrated by the guy in the post? Not on your life!

    • I feel some people like the attention that such conflicts and insecurities might create, maybe they are insecure, or maybe they like the idea of some family members looking for their approval?

      • Oh absolutely. I have no doubt that many of these “helpless” husbands actually enjoy the attention and fuss made over them. This kind of self-victimization allows them to wash their hands of any responsibility of conflict-resolution, while also allowing them to continue enjoying the ego trip which is bound to result when two people are basically at each other’s throats for a small scrap of approval from them.

        Think about it. In some households, a simple cooking-related compliment from the husband is enough to:

        a) make someone’s day;
        b) cause immense heartburn to someone else; and
        c) start a blazing row between the two of them

        Nauseating, isn’t it?

      • What PT says above is my opinion too. All this drama about being caught in between two women is nothing but that, a drama. Some men thus caught secretly enjoy all the fuss and attention. They do not want a resolution, never seek it, because… as PT says, “This kind of self-victimization allows them to wash their hands of any responsibility of conflict-resolution, while also allowing them to continue enjoying the ego trip…”
        A-B-S-O-L-U-T-E-L-Y!!

    • Ashawthy,

      You’re quite the rocker yourself! Thanks, hey.

      DG,

      I don’t know what to say. That’s some really funny AND scary stuff. I can totally imagine Mr MCP… he’s the spitting image of some guys I can mention :D

  8. Just a glimpse into my life:

    1. I dont love everyday cooking.
    2. My tidiness instincts are absent
    3. I buy ready made chapathis that taste nothing like home made chapathis.
    4. I do make an effort to pick up fav recipies for my husband – does not always work out.

    My husband:
    1. Does all the cleaning and laundry while I feed the child and cook
    2. Eats ready made chapathis readily.
    3. Does not complain about dishes his mom makes that I cannot make – he makes them himself when the urge seizes him and he has the time.

    What my husband does not do is run crying “Mummieeeeee” everytime something does not go his way. Hence no quarreling in the house! Simple no?

  9. Btw…what strikes me is how it is taken into stride that mother will feel insecure about DIL. Have you ever heard of a girl’s father feeling insecure about the son-in-law taking his place??

    Mother and wife are SEPERATE relationships. You don’t have to sabotage your mom to satisfy your wife and vice versa. If a mother can let go of a daughter so that the girl can setup her own household and take care of her husband then a mother can let go of the son too so that he can have an independent life. Parents that are not emotional leeches get more respect from their kids and will have an actual relationship with them instead of one based on blackmail and fear that is touted as “respect” in this part of the world.

    Me – Well said, Clueless!! I totally agree.

  10. Ok, even I crave for hot chapatis, and piping hot food, just the way my mom used to cook and feed me when I was a kid..I also crave for a clean house, washed utensils, spic n span bed and yes, a hefty increase in my bank balance and if possible, a beach house too!! We all obviously crave for all these luxuries, but demanding them and expecting to get them from person (mom, wife, dad, husband other house members) is like a child crying for every possible toy in the store! If you feel they are important, then get the luxuries yourself. And if at all you have some person in your life who gives you these luxuries, then please dont take the luxuries (or the person giving them) for granted and consider them your right, which you must have.

  11. To start with, I don’t like the title. I can think of worse things that could happen to a person than two women trying to top one another in showing a man who cares more for him, each in her own way.

    And I’m sorry. But I just had to stop reading at this line:
    “Even if it’s a small gesture like getting flowers, buy them for both women”

    What the…?? No doubt your mother is an important person in your life but tell me, would anyone give a woman advice to treat her husband and father the same way? Buying flowers is a sweet and romantic gesture. Especially by Indian standards. Buying flowers for your wife and mother at the same time? Eww!

    This article is pure sensationalism. I just don’t appreciate it at all.

    • SB, I dont understand what is wrong in getting flowers for our mothers?? I get flowers for my mom..for her b’day, mothers day, women’s day and sometimes just like that and she loves it…
      I think getting flowers is a gesture to show affection..it could be romantic or otherwise..

      • Pratibha,

        There’s nothing wrong as such in getting flowers for your mother. What I would object to (and what I suspect SB was objecting to) is trying to engineer some kind of meaningless equivalence in your marital and filial/familial relationships.

        You buy flowers for your mother all the time. Do you also buy some for your husband every time you do that?

        I personally think it’s a bit silly to suggest that things like flowers should always be bought for BOTH people. There are fundamental differences in our relationships with the spouse and parents. I think it is healthy to acknowledge the existence of such differences and alter our behavior accordingly.

        I‘m not sure I’d be thrilled if my wife bought me something and then also bought the same thing for my father. After all, half the charm of receiving a gift from your partner lies in the knowledge that s/he chose to buy it for YOU, over the other 6,915,750,000 people in the world! :D
        What say you?

      • I don’t mean to say that you shouldn’t get flowers for your mom. I do make it a point to give flowers to my mother/mother-in-law for their birthdays and anniversaries as far as possible. I also like buying them little gifts.

        Imagine this scenario… Man walks into florist’s shop and thinks, “Hmm… My wife has been having a hard time at work lately and I think it would cheer her up if I buy her some roses. But mom will feel left out if I get my wife some, so let me get flowers for both”. That image completely freaks me out!

        What I’m trying to say here is that I find it disturbing at some level that you’re comparing how you express affection for your wife with how you express it for your mother. (Thanks PT!)

        One is a romantic relationship between equals. The other is a parent and child relationship based on respect and love. A wife can never be your mother. Nor should you ever expect her to be. She’s your partner!

        Just like I would love my mother to pamper me once in a while, I see no harm in my husband being pampered by his mother too. For a parent, their child is always that, a child. We can’t change it no matter how much we try and we should not either.

        Just because two of the most important people in a person’s life happen to be the same gender, you don’t go about comparing the relationships. What next? Buying flowers for the sister so she doesn’t feel left out? Taking mom along on the honeymoon? (I’m sure it happens more often than we’d like to know about)

        On the flip side, my husband’s reaction sums up the father-daughter relationship rather succinctly. “No one can love me like my father does”, I said at the end of a rotten day. “Obviously”, replied my very wise husband. :)
        We have so many people who love us, each in their own special way. Father, mother, in-laws, siblings, friends, children and of course, spouses/partners. Must we ruin things by comparing all these relationships?

      • @ SB : I agree to all that you said..my only disagreement was when you said : ‘ Buying flowers is a sweet and romantic gesture. Especially by Indian standards. Buying flowers for your wife and mother at the same time?’

        And yes I echo the thought, getting flowers or buying gifts for both at the same time can create undue expectations on both sides, so when you do something special for any one of them the other feels let down. This might encourage the women to compete for the man’s attention..weren’t we trying to avoid this very situation??
        So, I think doing stuff like this one odd time is ok..but if we make it a rule..it spells disaster.

        @ PT : I too find these suggestions SILLY!!

  12. Read the link; liked it , will follow it , but not sure its because of high expectations from wife.

    However considering that mothers have blood relationship and therefore unconditional love which the wife does not.

    And wry jokes on marriage .. yes we hear them from married men every day.

  13. Well, the common mistake men make is to expect the woman they love to be like their mother. This is classic Oedipus complex. Once they get out of it, life will be easier for everyone. But alas, that never happens. One of the things Freud was right about is the Oedipus complex. Let’s face it, all boys are mama’s boys.

    Some women do the same thing by comparing their partners to their father (re: Electra complex), but that’s actually very rare.

  14. Love the part where you said ‘grow old together’. That sounds just lovely.

    As for the MIL-DIl scene, I would really blame the man in the middle of all the hullabaloo. He should have the basic common sense to be able to maintain a balance between this delicate relationship without hurting anyone’s feelings.

    I have NEVER seen a woman getting tensed over the relationship between her dad and husband. Girls are much wiser, in that respect. They ensure to give their dad the respect they deserve, while clearly keeping ‘personal’ matters between themselves and the husband.

    Why is it not that simple for a man to do the same thing?!!! Why is a man so ‘afraid of hurting his mum’s sentiments’? Why does a man treat his wife as an ‘outsider who refuses to integrate with HIS family’.

    I agree that our society itself is skewed in that respect. The girls parents are treated as strangers, and have no right to ‘INTERFERE’ in their married daughter’s household. However, the boy’s parents have complete rights! It is just stupid and ridiculous. Neither parent should interfere.

    And having said that, if this is how our society has functioned all these years, WHY DON’T WE CHANGE IT TODAY? Why can’t the men of our generation (and the next few ones) be the change we seek?

    What stops a ‘modern day man’ from making chapatis or even coffee in the mornings??
    What stops him from doing his AND HIS WIFE’S laundry, IN FRONT OF HIS PARENTS?
    Equally, what makes him hesitate to support something that his mum says, IF she is actually right?

    Like I said, I blame the man for fuelling the fire and not putting it out instead!

    • Agree completely. The man should realize that HE is the reason his wife and his mother even have to deal with each other. It is his responsibility to manage expectations from both parties, and to put his foot down when either of them crosses the line. If a guy’s mother was to insult or misbehave with his (female) colleague or friend, he would object, wouldn’t he? He would consider it his responsibility as the guy who brought the two in contact with each other. When, then, can he not stand up for his wife?

    • “Why can’t the men of our generation (and the next few ones) be the change we seek?”

      Because, writerzblock, there is no incentive for them to change! There will be no change until change is demanded from them. And change can be demanded only when women and their parents understand that they DO NOT have to put up with chauvinistic behavior, when marriage is no longer seen as the sole objective of a woman’s life, when women are independent enough to have alternatives, independent enough to walk out on abusive MCP husbands, and when such men can’t find anyone to marry them anymore. That is how change happens, that is how it has always happened.

      Most people will never give up a comfortable position unless they have a good reason to. My case was a bit different – I grew up in a family steeped in patriarchy, and spent much of my youngster days abroad in a high-pressure job where I had no time for relationships and mollycoddling. The first factor gave me a revulsion towards patriarchy, while the second gave me a practical, independent outlook. Had I been from an ordinary, not-so-patriarchal middle class family and had I stayed in India and married young like most Indians do, I might well have been the subject of one of IHM’s more incisive posts rather than being a commentator as I am now.

      Our country is crawling with MCPs and the shift is going to be slow and painful. But to some extent, I already see it starting to happen. The very existence of this blog perhaps heralds the beginning of the end of chauvinistic attitudes.

      • @Wildchild: Ofcourse the man would shout at his parent if he/she had insulted a work colleague!!! That is an ‘insult’ whereas them actually insulting his wife, is just ‘parental authority’!!!

        @PT: Interestingly, I have seen a couple of men who have lived ‘away’ from home, and they are pretty much the way you have described. The change is perhaps happening, but very very – VERY – slowly. I still cannot imagine a man serving his wife coffee, in front of his mother. That would be a downright ‘hen-pecked’ guy!

      • I firmly believe that all Indian men should do a stint of living alone in a different place from their parents (actually all Indian people – since some of us girls are also pretty mollycoddled but the difference with girls is that it is ingrained somewhere that when you get married you will have to “manage”, whereas with most Indian boys it is not). I’ve seen this with quite a few guys, including my husband. My husband discovered a love of cooking and also lost patience with having people do things for him, though he does enjoy being pampered a bit when he goes home to his parents (as do I, with my parents).

      • Writerzblock,

        I’ve always found “Hen-pecked” to be a bit of a nonsensical insult, in the same league as stuff like “politically correct” and “do-gooder”. What’s the harm in doing something for your spouse sometimes? Really simple stuff too.

        By the way, is it any surprise that no comparable term exists for wives? :)

        @S,

        Cheers! :D

        @The Bride,

        I agree. Everyone should have a stint alone without a spouse, mother, maid or whatever, to look after them. That kind of a stint does make you a lot more independent than most people who’ve always had someone else to do their laundry, dishes and cooking for them.

      • @The Bride,

        Absolutely correct. It is important for every individual to live alone before they live with someone else. I consider living on your own an important way of discovering yourself, without which you cannot really live with someone else. Otherwise, it is just two kids living with one of the parents. And I have seen it in my friends too, both single and married.

  15. Pingback: Desi Parenting: Daughter vs DIL « A Desi Girl's Guide to Relationship Survival

  16. There isn’t any unconditional love. That’s what I feel.

    However, I will add here that Parents need to learn to let go, and the sons who miss the hot meals and the clean house, can very well serve themselves.

    me – I agree. Love anyway should not mean one can be disrespectful.

  17. Ever heard a daughter’s mother complain to the son-in-law about how her daughter gets no help at home with work, never gets hot food and “ma ke haath ka khana”. Or every heard a wife saying how her father used to spoil her, wait for her for hours in front of her office to pick her up, make sure she had food in time, took her out shopping without complaining, did not ler her enter the kitchen. The answer I think in most cases is a resounding NO. A father is never compared to the son-in-law and if the daughter does it she is shooed because she should be grateful that she has a husband who takes good care of her you know, doesn’t harass her or beat her up.
    As for men comparing wives to their mothers well they really need to step back and spend some time by themselves or go into rehab. You cannot compare a wife & a mother. They have different roles and behave different. Infact, 2 people should never be compared. I just hate it. Two co-sisters being compared, two young kids being compared, two sons & their earnings being compared. Comparison of any kind sucks, until unless it is material products like sarees or jewelry.
    Human beings are all different they should never be compared, it will breed only ill-feeling, jealousy & animosity.
    And there is nothing truer than this – “Convey to your mother that your wife is capable of taking appropriate decision regarding dressing, socialising, spending money, raising children and visiting parents, and should be left alone in these matters. ”

  18. I am new to the blog but following up aggressively now and making up for all the lost time! :)
    I am just 1.5 years into my married life which is mostly very happy.

    I think if boys are brought up “normally” and not made to feel that they are the fairer sex and have apparently lit up the family by their arrival- they would be less demanding and dependent and their family would be unbiased.

    A wife is not simply a substitute for the mother brought in to take care of the son. The mothers should realize this.

    I feel family and especially the mothers have a huge responsibility in keeping their sons grounded right from the start, this reflects not only in one’s domestic life but every aspect.

  19. It says in the article, “The mother is the first woman a man comes in contact with. A boy worships his mother until he weans himself away in adolescence.”
    What makes a man go running back to his Momma’s lap once he is grown up when he is supposed to have “weaned himself away in adolescence”?? Do sons have a reverse growth that takes them to a time bef0re adolescence the moment they get married?? When it is natural that boys wean themselves away in adolescence, how does this reversal happen?? And why do we as a society not disapprove of this reversal of growth in man??

    Everyone talks of the mother’s feeling of insecurity after the son marries. Phoooey! What insecurity??! Why insecurity?? Is the mother secretly aspiring to be the wife??! Why the hell should she be insecure?? Only those mothers who do not know what their role is with regard to their son and has issues with the way she sees her son will feel insecure when he marries or has a girl friend.

    Loved many of the comments. I especially agree with Agnija’s comment and echo it, “Can we make a decree that only *adults* will get married? Please?”

    • The fear and anxiety commonly termed as insecurity arises from :
      ‘I am hungry for power, attention, control and I RULE my kingdom syndrome!!’
      Possible causes :
      ‘Some people are happiest when they have something to be unhappy about’ and ‘not having much to do in life’
      Temporary solution that might work for some:
      Ignore power hungry people, don’t talk back and never give in. And most important don’t waste your time judging them.

      Loved Shail’s comment :-)

      When sons have this reverse growth…put them in their pyjamas and tuck them in bed with their Mommy and Daddy.

    • Thanks, Shail! I have wondered so many times if what you say “Is the mother secretly aspiring to be the wife??! ” is actually true. There are some MILs who copy the wife exactly to “bring the son back to her”! I suspect that in the worst cases, the MIL actually has a narcissistic personality disorder.

      • @Agnija, when I wrote about MILs and DILs once, a man had commented that what’s behind a mother’s obsession with the son (note that the obsession is not with never her ‘children’ but only with the SON) is deep seated sexual jealousy. Of course I have nothing to substantiate that. But if the mother is too obsessed, then I tend to believe the guy was right.
        Look at this statement from an article here: http://www.darndivorce.com/mothers-in-law-cause-of-italy%E2%80%99s-soaring-divorce/

        “For example, you will see mothers crying at the weddings of their sons, but they are not crying for joy, they are crying because they feel devastated. Their son has chosen another woman and it arouses very complex feelings, including jealousy.”

    • LMAO @ Phooey!!

      ROFL @ tuck them into their bed with mommy and daddy………!! :lol:

      I am sooooooooo loving reading these comments….we got some spirited people here alright! ;-)

  20. Thanks for the acknowledgement, IHM. I wondered if people would pick up on some of the weird points that a supposedly qualified psychologist advises. I, for one, have never seen why a man ought to balance two women. As many have said above, each relationship is in its place and separate from each other.

    Another thing I was amazed at a professional saying is to take the mother’s advice to make the wife comfortable in order to involve her in his life. Why should the mother be involved in the son’s marital life at all?

    “The kitchen is a common war ground.” Even if the married couple live in his parent’s house, would it not be easier if the guy prepared the dishes in the kitchen and tried to please both women in his life?

    I simply want to make a point here that if this is what psychologists advise, is there any point in severely troubled people consulting them for marital disputes, because after all they are not saying anything that would change the situation. They are merely trying to manoeuver within the relatively tiny space provided by the society. Which will NOT solve any problems.

    • I agree Fem. A supposed professional saying, “to take the mother’s advice to make the wife comfortable in order to involve her in his life.” is utter nonsense. A mother has NO role in a son’s marital life. I simply cannot understand anyone using the words, “in order to involve her in his life” She is married to him for God’s sake, does a man need his mother to involve his own wife in his life??!!!!

  21. i think it’s necessary for the couple to stay away from in-laws for the first few years of their lives at least. That way they get to know each other, work with each other and get that rhythm going, then even if they move in with their in-laws, they can work on maintaining that.
    Of course, this is only in the case of a successful marriage.

    The idea of a husband complaining to his mother is laughable! Like that of a child complaining to his mom abt a friend not playing in line with his wishes. But unfortunately, so few husbands are Men! They usually just remain boys.

    *sigh*

  22. Loved the comment that only adults must be allowed to get married!

    While a guy who “struggles” to “balance” the relationship between a wife and his mother is a total nincompoop in my book, I wonder what goes on in the heads of the mamas who cling to their sons???
    Why are these women so insecure? Why can’t they fuss over their husbands if male attention is all that they want? Is it just me or does it all sound a tad sick?

  23. Engrossing discussion..loved every bit of it.
    Agree with Shail when she says
    -”When sons have this reverse growth…put them in their pyjamas and tuck them in bed with their Mommy and Daddy.” ROFL,.it set my imagination on fire .
    PT rocks!!

  24. balance is required between mother and wife.
    what you will be if mother and wife both are sick?
    what about daughter in law who cares more about her mother not the dinner of husband?

    Its very difficult situation best solution is one must do the balancing act and one should learn to bend applies to both husband and wife.

    • More about her mother, and not about the dinner of her husband?!!!! Why on earth should a woman have to worry about her husband’s dinner? Assuming the husband is healthy, he can get his own dinner, if a woman chooses to care for her mother, or spend an evening with her. He can also get his own dinner if his wife wants to go have a drink in the pub with her friends. He can do the same if his wife FEELS like not cooking and lazes in the bed. Jeez! Husband’s dinner, indeed!

    • “what you will be if mother and wife both are sick?”

      A slightly more worried version of my usual self. And you? :)

      “what about daughter in law who cares more about her mother not the dinner of husband?”

      I think she has her priorities absolutely correct. Her mother is infinitely more valuable than dinner, you know.

    • Ah, it’s coming soon, very soon. Lol.

      I’ve been thinking of starting one for close to a month now but I just don’t have the time to do any serious writing, in addition to commenting.

  25. Ten years ago, my mother in law made me promise her something, which we both have kept till day, and that was to NEVER involve her son in any of our personal rifts. It was just after my marriage and maybe too soon to talk about ‘rifts’… but perhaps she had seen a lot in life and didn’t want US to go through the same. Till date, we make sure to sort out our differences without involving her son. This doesn’t mean I have never shared my disappointments or arguments with A. Or I have never told her about the problems that we might be facing. Or that she hasn’t confided in me about her expectations from her sons/husbands or other in family. It’s just that the one playing the agony aunt/uncle makes sure not to let that affect his/her attitude towards others.

    Maybe I was lucky and didn’t require anyone to take sides.. but just to hear me out. But it helped to have someone take the neutral stand. So my husband knows I confide in his mother, she knows I share our problems with my husband …..but there is no awkwardness..

    It hasn’t happened, but I have full faith in them to stand up for the right thing and treat me with as much equality and fairness as they would for anyone else in the family. Because now I am a part of it..

    A husband is also a son.. and so for any one to come in the family, expecting him to cut off all his ties with parents/siblings is rather unfair. Similarly, the wife is the one he promises his entire life to be with. So she deserves to be treated with equal love and respect. Is it really too much to ask for or understand? I think the ugly episodes are the result of letting our vision get clouded by those who don’t even matter – the society for example.

  26. Pingback: An email: This is the life Mr Shravan Kumar and Mr Scaredy Cat offer to their life partners. | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  27. Pingback: You’re going to be with your in-laws for only a few days in a year so why can’t you live the way they want and keep every one happy? | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

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