Some happy relationship rules. Add yours?

These rules make even more sense after the last three posts.

  1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.
  2. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
  3. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
  4. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that’s not meant to be.
  5. Slower is better.
  6. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
  7. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t “be friends”. A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend. Don’t settle.
  8. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
  9. Don’t stay because you think “it will get better.” You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
  10. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
  11. Avoid men who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
  12. Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
  13. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
  14. If something bothers you, speak up.
  15. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
  16. You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within.
  17. Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are…even if he has more education or in a better job.
  18. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
  19. Never let a man define who you are.
  20. Never borrow someone else’s man.
  21. If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you.
  22. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
  23. You should not be the one doing all the bending…compromise is a two way street.
  24. You need time to heal between relationships…there is nothing cute about baggage… Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
  25. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you… a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals… look for someone complimentary…not supplementary.
  26. Dating is fun …even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right.
  27. Make him miss you sometimes… when a man always know where you are, and you’re always readily available to him – he takes it for granted.
  28. Never move into his mother’s house.
  29. Never co-sign for a man.
  30. Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need.
  31. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

This is said to have been written by Oprah in her book (Not sure though). Thanks for sharing Ashwathy!

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104 thoughts on “Some happy relationship rules. Add yours?

  1. I love Oprah. Besides the fact that ‘you’ are in control of yourself in all of the rules, I love the ones on not trying to change behaviour, not borrowing another’s spouse the best. Would have liked it even better if it were gender insensitive. I would not want to strung along by a woman either. 😀

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    • Yeah.
      Most of these rules (especially the ones in bold) actually ARE applicable for males too.

      When I lived in Toronto a few years ago, I had a colleague who would continually makes excuses for his wife’s intense jealousy. It was ridiculous! Right in the middle of a conversation, she would suddenly demand to see his cellular phone and proceed to ask him about, probably, every female name in the call records. This happened THRICE in two years and all three times, I made a quick exit from his place. The next morning he’d come to work, looking awkward and shifty, and then he’d say something vague about how she was a little tired out over the weekend, which caused her to act that way.
      Shockingly, they’re still married, and this is in Canada, where divorce is not such a big deal at all. It’s not like they have kids to think about.

      The fact is that men too, can find it hard to leave a bad relationship and do often end up making very lame excuses.

      I don’t hear about such things now that I’m in India but that’s probably only because we aren’t so open to talking about this kind of stuff.

      Like

    • These comments are excellent for maintaining the dignity and honesty and fairness of relationships. I remember when my wife and I married nearly 40 years ago, she told me, “Don’t ever hit me or I will leave you.”

      It has never occurred to me to hit her…

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  2. “You need time to heal between relationships…there is nothing cute about baggage… Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.” I did not follow this, but it worked in my case. I was lucky. 🙂

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  3. This is good.

    Might want to add that if both partners work, then keeping at least some portion of the finances separate is always a good idea.

    I don’t agree with the first one:
    “If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away”

    Not true for me, at least. Men, like women, are weighed down by many pragmatic considerations. Even if I “want” someone, it doesn’t mean I’ll just rush into a relationship. I’d probably not partner with someone who is not compatible with me, regardless of how much I want her.

    Also, about “making him miss you”…well, many of us are busy enough to miss each other quite a bit as it is 😦
    Me and my wife both consistently spend 65-70 hours a week at work. So I don’t think either of us would appreciate having the other deliberately unavailable.

    This should definitely be used with care and with due regard to the situation.

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    • ‘If a man wants you nothing can keep him away.’ I think is meant for relationships where women believe a man who does not seem to care or want a relationship, probably would if only he wasn’t ‘stolen’ /distracted by another woman, or if only he wasn’t going through trouble at work, when maybe the guy does not think they are compatible and so does not want a relationship.

      ‘Making him miss you’ – I felt meant not expecting to spend every moment together… though I agree it should not be a planned effort to make someone ‘miss you’!!! That sounds manipulative!

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      • I don’t know. These set of rules seem like you have to play power game with your man. Can we not be honest and ourselves and still expect the relationship to work? Why do you have to “make” him realize your value? Just trust him to realize your value. He married you because he values you.
        Somehow with these set of rules, I feel the realtionship does not remain healthy. Sure you should love and respect yourself and stand up when the man is not doing so. But do you have to be so guarded ? Just trust him to love and respect you for what you are.

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    • @MoRS,

      There is nothing manipulative about it. It is eqaually applicable to parents and other adults. It is part of drawing healthy boundaries.
      One time a friend pulled DG aside to tell her something and that God forsaken now ex asked what did she say. DG respeonded that was something personal she wants her not to share with anyone. His next line was “I tell you everything about my friends.” DG said, “then please do not because your friends disclose things to you in confidence.”
      When people infuse personal boundaries and strat treating the other person as their extension all problems start and escalate into passive aggressive pull and tug.

      Peace,
      Desi Girl

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  4. In the intial throes of passion, all is rosey, well-behaved and beautiful. But to know how a man is, notice how he behaves with his mother, sister and other women in his life. It will be the same behaviour you will be subjected to (if not now, later for sure).

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  5. I wish the statements were numbered serially.
    That would have helped giving reference to a particular statement while commenting.

    That’s the engineer in me talking.
    We draw figures to explain, when words are not enough.
    We use numbers liberally. Makes things easier for all.

    Nice observations on the whole, though I too agree it would have been better if they were gender neutral wherever possible. A male “Oprah” could come up with corollaries for each of these observations.

    Sorry for the recent silence.
    Was totally pre-occupied with various issues both domestic and career related.
    I had to take a break from the internet except to check personal emails.

    Now it’s back to normal.
    I hope to resume reading your blog and that of a few others from now.
    Regards
    G Vishwanath

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  6. Never co-sign for a man. Sadly in our country a bride co-signs always. It is always so, she co-signs with mother in law, she co-signs with brothers and sister in laws.

    No wonder we are in relationship tug of war from day one ….

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  7. not quite agree with this one:
    “Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.” I feel, in a healthy relationship, both the partners should be open about everything.. howmuchever dark the past secrets.

    Another point which i feel is important IMO..Never get into a marriage to get something out of it… whether its financial security, or someone to cook you dinners, or keep your house…

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    • ‘…both the partners should be open about everything.. how much ever dark the past secrets.”

      That is first sign of trouble in the paradise. None is willing to move past their past and is carrying a baggage thus have no space for the new relationship.
      Every one has a past good or bad immaterial. The important question should be,
      1. Was their any violence in your previous relationship? Run a check on the person talk to their friends, colleagues. Watch for how they treat those with less power than them.

      2. Why did you break up? and watch for how person describes their ex, with indifference, with hurt, with vengeance… all speaks volumes about the person and the future of their future relationships.

      http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/11/28/desi-marriage-for-all-the-wrong-reason/

      Peace,
      Desi Girl

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      • I dont agree with you DG, on this point.. The very fact that you feel the man will use your past/secrets against you means you are in a bad relationship to start with!! Being open to each other about your past does *not* mean you are carrying the baggage of your past in the current relationship. It also does not mean you have to constantly talk about your past. But I just dont see the point in hiding something purposely from the person I trust and want to spend the rest of my life with! And honestly, if the relationship cannot handle you with all your baggage included, then how can it be a healthy relationship?!!

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    • @Neha,
      DG didn’t say one should keep their past in dark. All she said is moving beyond past. If he can’t handle your past he is not worth it. There is no doubt about it.
      Hiding past is desi copyright in arranged marriages 🙂 .

      …It is important for conjugal kin to keep the new bride isolated or else she’ll discover the skeletons hidden in their closets and the façade they have put up…
      http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/08/02/633/
      Peace,
      DG

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  8. Good ones… In the Indian context you need to add these too

    1. If your partner feels ashamed to introduce you to his/her friends/family back off. You deserve better

    2. No, you need not accept the first proposal you get from the opposite sex or marry the first person you dated . It looks good only in movies.

    3. Decisions should be made for oneself and not because ” what will others say?” others will not be there to face consequences.

    4. Be ready to face consequences of all actions taken. They are not always bad.

    5. Be independent enough … Though initially complete dependence on the partner looks cute, charming and attractive as the relationship progresses it is the independence streak that really holds the charm for either partners. As in husband/wife /live-in-patrtners being completely clueless about each others area of responsibility can be the recipe for disaster.As in spouses who do not know how to get groceries/get car repaired/cut vegetables/ do not have opinion on investments are not cute in the long run

    6. Do not infantalize your partner by not making him do his fair share of household chores and catering to every whim and fancy. I shudder when wives say proudly ” My husband does not know how to make tea/food/bed and is so ignorant about household chores. And also ” He will shout at me if the coffee is not hot enough or if clothes are not folded like this”.no one ever died of warming their own coffee or ironing their own clothes

    7. Do have realistic talks on material issues with your partner before you commit yourself. Most love affairs/marriages fail because the only talks the couple had were sweet nothings about dreams and nothing in concrete about expectations from partner/ accomodation /job etc. The mundane things matter in the long run .

    8. In case of a live -in/marriage know each others finances and investments. The couple should have a good idea of each others investments, savings , insurance etc.

    9. You need not defer to your partner always. If you feel strongly about something speakup. Chances are that he/she has not seen the otherside of the coin

    10. Communicate your dreams ,hopes aspirations and feelings and not just kids school fees, groceries to be bought,etc.

    If you look at indian ladies online forums 90% of the problems stem from one of these.

    And sorry for the long post.
    Me- Loved this long post.

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    • Cool icing on the cake IHM !! 🙂 Great points Indu.

      I have to confess I have violated the rules that regulate a happy relationship(according to Oprah and as listed by Indu). I also admit (a little hesitatingly now, heart slightly racing, biting nails too) that given another chance to relive the past, I might violate every rule again.
      AND God forbid, IF by any chance I fall in love again….I am afraid I will forget every point I have read today…OR remember them only after I have violated them 😦

      I agree with Indu, her points are logical, helpful tips if one can incorporate them into life. As for Oprah’s…I think some of them are good for taming wild western behaviour.

      -“Keep a man in your radar, but get to know others!!”
      WHAT on earth does that mean? Getting to know others can get too far in many cases..don’t think that will ensure a happy relationship. I would agree if it said maintain old friendships, make new friends, and keep in touch with them.

      Me – there is no one mr right – before one commits one would benefit from getting to know others.

      -Why let a man allow to decide whether he wants to stay or stray, leave or come back as he pleases? So a woman whose husband strays ‘cuz he wants to, and comes back ‘cuz he wants to and does that over and over again…should …be happy ? feel proud? feel worthy? Is that how much a woman’s love, patience, time is worth?

      Me – This is to say, changing, accommodating, sacrificing, tolerating abuse will not make a partner stay, if he is not going to stay. And being yourself will not make him go away – if he wants to stay.

      -Men could be borrowed? Really? What class of women borrow men I would love to know…have heard these hush hush rumors that the elite class or the upper middle class women who are lonely and bored do hire men to entertain them…is that what is being referred to? Or are these men straying because they WANT to…??

      Me – That’s sarcasm. A relationship with a committed man is like ‘borrowing’ him. What we borrow, we have to return.

      IHM…the last three posts have been phenomenal. Thank you for this blog.
      Me – Hugs J

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      • Well I know what you mean, it is un-ethical to have and continue with an extra marital relationship. Period.
        But to be involved in any relationship, there needs to be ‘two’ willing partners who know what they are doing and still do it no matter what. Men and women are not inanimate objects that can be borrowed or returned. It is the will of the man AND the woman to stray, not to borrow one another or snatch away.

        “… being yourself will not make him go away – if he wants to stay”

        Love it IHM.

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  9. While i feel that we cannot control so many things consciously , the one core quality which helps us is to listen to our gut feeling , as you said …Allow your intuition…!!! Intuition takes care of many things at the subconscious level.

    Also , as you say …always have a separate set of friends …. it may not be always possible to acquire friends , it would be sensible to be in touch with the old ones and be open to new ones with a positive mind . Desperate looking out for friends may bring even more trouble…

    Me – Yes keeping old friends and being open to new ones coming into our lives is enough I guess…

    Loved this post and will be adding on my two penny worth whenever i get enlightened on this issue , can this post be visible on the main page always?

    Me – 🙂 It will be on the side bar for a while, and in the Archives above forever 🙂

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  10. “Dont depend entirely on your partner. Do your own chores”
    I have seen girl-friends depending on their partner to drive them around to shop or even to work. And male friends depending on wives to cook, wash, serve.
    Leaving aside the gender specific roles issue here, I think being over dependent to the point of feeling helpless in partner’s absence is wrong.

    Me – I agree!

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  11. A good list. Totally support the “Dating is fun …even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right” statement.

    Dating is not just fun, but somewhat necessary even to get an idea of the kind of men out there. Also helps in appreciating all the rights in Mr. Right finally!
    I totally support PT’s addition of seperate finances. It gives both of them a sense of individuality and fall back options when situations arise.

    Some things that are indivdual preferences should remain so. This includes even big things like religion. My parents are of different religions and I have grown up seeing them pray individually and yet respect each others beliefs. It is something very beautiful 🙂 There is no need to change anything about yourself for the ideal person!

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  12. Nice list. I especially agree with if you have a problem with something speak up. Even if things don’t change you know you tried and then it simply boils down to the option of staying or leaving.

    Also IHM, based on the discussions on the blog for the past few days, here is a checklist for people who wish to help an abuse victim, what they need to know about what could happen before becoming knights or damsels in shining armour – http://deliverygirl30.wordpress.com/2011/04/13/are-you-capable-of-helping-an-abuse-victim/

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  13. I may not agree with a few points there, some make you too conscious to love. They can’t be criticised too as they seem correct for certain situations. I guess you need to pick up what works for you the best.

    Me – Which ones did you disagree with?

    My two cents- unless you are in a relationship with a psychic, don’t expect your partner to just ‘know’ your needs and wants. Let them know. Less heartache, trust me.
    Secondly, a relationship can be a happy one if you have the room to err and learn and not be judged for it. We are all humans before being a man or a woman.

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  14. I might not be agreeing to all of these, and yet was smiling throughout!
    Oh and this one had me on rolling on floor laughing:
    “Never borrow someone else’s man.”
    Its just the way it is worded, I guess 🙂

    On a serious note, the one point I really really agree to is:
    If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
    If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.

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  15. IHM, thank you so much for this. It will help me get out of my bad relationship. I have already separated from my husband but this helps me crystallise in my mind why I should never go back.

    Thanks and regards
    Anonymous

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  16. Dating is fun …even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right

    Dating is certainly fun but not every fun thing is good for your being. As for Mr. Right – any two healthy people can enter a relationship and be successful – depends entirely on their mutual commitment. Someone who doesn’t forgive or is egoistic or has trust issues without supporting evidence isn’t healthy.

    Love has nothing to do falling in love but has all to do with making a mutual decision.

    — my life lessons (I’m lucky ^_^)

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      • Thanks Desi Girl!

        Actually, am not sure that anyone can really improve things.
        Basically, I had an arranged marriage five months earlier and from the start, my husband has been very distant and formal. He was a little bit like that even when I met him before marriage but I thought that he was just shy or nervous.

        But after five months, he is still like that. He works for very long hours and is almost never at home. When he comes home then of course, he is too tired and just wants dinner. Most of the time, it does not seem like he wants to talk to me! First I thought that it is okay, maybe it is because of the mental pressure in office and he will get better with time. But it is still the same and I am starting to feel quite depressed.

        I don’t know if something is wrong with him or maybe I am doing something wrong? I know that he has never deliberately done anything to make me unhappy. He tries to bring for me whatever he thinks I require and even with his busy timetable, he tries to do some part of his housework.

        And that is why it is so painful. He is a kind, loving man. Why does he resist showing or recieving any kind of affection or love? Or maybe I am being unreasonable to expect that after he spends 12 hours in office?

        Now I’m thinking that maybe I do need professional help…

        Me – I think your husband needs to be asked exactly why he got married. Companionship, communication and fun should be an essential part of any relationship. Are you working? Do you go out on your own?

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      • @Simaran,

        Yes, you are right you guys need professional help.
        http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/couples-counseling-faq/

        Please trust me on this one you are not doing anything wrong in expecting affection and attention from your lawfully wedded husband and he is not doing you any favor by doing chores at home and bringing you what you need.

        It is true, it takes time to bound with a new person in one’s life. BUT in a new marriage there is lot of physical attraction that needs to happen because it glosses lot many other issues to seem trivial.

        Not putting any ideas into your head just wondering if it was a MOC (marriage of convenience) for him. Find out now by asking than wait and be surprised later.

        Feeling and Expressing Your Emotions
        http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/feeling-and-expressing-your-emotions/

        It is interesting we pick people who are shy and taciturn and then we expect them to change once we are in their lives. Why?

        Peace,
        Desi Girl

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    • Simran,
      What you wrote about your husband left me very disturbed. I don’t want to scare you, but I just have to share this now.
      A distant cousin of mine went through something very similar. The husband was a really nice person, very well behaved, quiet, etc etc. but he just NEVER was around. It was very weird that a NEWLY MARRIED MAN is not around his wife. Something was certainly wrong. After about 6 mths, she realised, he had been in a relationship earlier, even had a child, and therefore had absolutely no interest in her. He had got married only because of his parents’ insistence.
      I am certainly not saying your husband is similar. ALL I AM TRYING TO SAY IS, PLEASE PLEASE GET TO THE ROOT OF IT RIGHT NOW, AND DON’T WAIT, THINKING IT WILL GET SMOOTH OVER TIME. PLEASE TALK TO HIM RIGHT AWAY AND SORT OUT THINGS.
      Take care…

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  17. Wonderful!

    You know what, IHM! Almost all of these hold true for either gender 🙂

    When a woman follows these rules, she just tries to get/do what she already deserved 🙂

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  18. This is my favourite depiction of healthy relationsips. The Missing Piece meets the Big O http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCmZ2jrQooE

    It makes so much sense. We have to stop searching for the Mr. Right who makes us complete, who fills up our hearts, the half who makes us whole. We have to make ourselves whole, be complete in ourselves and fill up our own hearts with love…without depending on a partner…

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  19. i think , in effect, what you are saying here is, respect yourself, respect your partner, and make sure that you treat each other fairly. And demonstrate the respect that you feel.

    I would add this “I love you, but i respect me more.” 🙂

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  20. Wonderful IHM, Big Huge list of FACTS.. I completely agree to u.
    Nomatter in what relationship u are, i believe that its always important to keep ur individuality without getting quite carried away. U feet should always be on the ground so that there will b less heart breaks and break-ups.
    Thank u for putting this list, specially when there are ppl like me who are just beginning our life 🙂

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  21. Are these point now valid the other way round tooo.. had it been a MAN writing it would be for Women or Girls …

    Pity we still do such things Men this women this NO wonder most of the time is spent on such things Rather then doing something useful ..

    One good advice to all ladies who think MEN are a waste of space STAY away from them .. easy peasy.. this is like that proverb Ladoo khana bhi hai Or nahin bhi khana …

    and same for MEN if they hate women then please stop going after them go and look for other similar men you might have same interests …

    I cant imagine what benefit will it be or for who.. OK Agreed MEN ARE BAD and Women are better off without them .. NOw WHAT 🙂

    Me -But Bikram why do say, “OK Agreed MEN ARE BAD and Women are better off without them .. NOw WHAT 🙂 ”
    It’s about respecting oneself not about hating men or thinking they are bad.

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    • @Bikram,

      Why is there a problem when a woman speaks her mind. A woman wrote what she felt. Men have spoken all kind of nonsense about women across the globe for times immemoreal be it manu smriti say a woman is the doorway to hell or the purans or bible telling fault lies in eve and on and on…

      Who said men are bad, the lady here is talking about what she learned about men. Does it apply to all men? NO. Is she asking women to hate men? Why does it ring a bell if a woman talks about her experiences with men?

      Hamein Ladoo khan hai thoda thoda saara khake sugar ki bimari nahin karvani hai 🙂

      Peace,
      Desi Girl

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      • DG:- I am sure you have mentioned that the story of Heer-ranjha was written by a MAN hence the woman turned out to be bad and now I use the same principle and you saying why is there problem..

        this is the problem that if i write there is a problem why i wrote the same thing that you wrote somewhere just opposite 🙂

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    • @ Bikram It’s not a post on man hating, nor is it meant to diss men. It’s a post on how to be happy in a relationship. Some points do come across as being manipulative, and that has been discussed it in the comments section.

      “You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you… a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals… look for someone complimentary…not supplementary.” Isn’t that something that is applicable to all of us, regardless of gender?

      And finally I don’t think it fair to call something useless just because it doesn’t appeal to you. There is a comment that very explicitly thanks IHM here(https://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com/2011/04/13/some-happy-relationship-rules-add-yours/#comment-38735)

      And really, when our reactions are outbursts rather than responses, doesn’t it mean that we have some growing up to do w.r.t the topic? So may be there is some kind of a take away here?

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      • smartassbride:- I agree that Two make a WHOLE. and i am sure if you read what i write or if you know me , thats what i believe, No one is bad or good its what we make them or ourself to be, Takes Two to tango always.

        I am sure a lot of people will agree that I have never put any gender down. and my comment was that all the points mentioned above If i write them keeping a MAN’s point of view they will be pretty good that way too..

        and If women think men are not good for them then Why have them , simple solution is it not … (and that is for women who think men are no good)

        maybe I do need growing up, what will i know … I know..
        thank you.

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    • IHM :- 🙂 all i was saying was and with reference ot the previous posts too.. that if men are so bad then its ok .. why have men in there lifes then .. I was agreeing with them all ..

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    • @Bikram,

      DG mentioned it one time that all folk love stories are written by men and there is nothing untrue. Look at the stories women write be it Mills and Boons or Harlequin, all men are Tall, Dark and Handsome lovely snobs angles 🙂 .

      Peace,
      Desi Girl

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  22. Great post… I loved this bit – ‘You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you… a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals… look for someone complimentary…not supplementary. ‘

    am in early 20s, not a great believer of marriages (u know why)… till date have not given a thought about it… not sure if i will ever… but the above thing is something i believe in… you cant just get married, because its about time, or the next door neighbours want you to..You can’t get married cos you need someone when you are old… You cant get married cos you need extra bit of money… i think its a matter of two hearts… just hopin the institution of marriage doesn’t become a mandatory norm.. cos only then will it save lives…

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  23. My addition to the list

    1. Learn to live by yourself alone first, living with someone else can follow
    2. No matter what the relationship- love and respect yourself and make yourself happy as the first priority- everyone else can follow- because people around you are not going to be happy if you are not.
    3. Don’t “sacrifice” for love- too often the love goes away and the sacrifice becomes resentment.
    4. Don’t ever doubt your reactions, thoughts or judgments. And don’t listen to people who make you doubt them.

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    • I absolutely love the first two points. I have actually known a couple whose relationship improved when the man, for the FIRST time, moved out of the house to go work on a project in another city. He seemed to have gained some perspective that mommy won’t be around all the time to clean up after him!

      I tend to disagree with the 4th point. It is perhaps applicable in certain situations, but one ought to give room for constructive criticism and healthy discussions. Doubt and changing your mind is not weakness, but simply a human trait.

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  24. wow… this is great… The first one is very very close to my heart…
    1.If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.

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  25. Agree to everything on the list except for no.15 . If I love a man (or a woman) and trust them completely, then in due time they WILL know everything about me. Otherwise I would feel I am holding back in the relationship.

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  26. //Pity we still do such things Men this women this NO wonder most of the time is spent on such things Rather then doing something useful .. //

    Aren’t these tips useful Bikram?? Aren’t they useful to women who need pointers, support, help?? If it benefits even one person it has to be counted as useful 🙂

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  27. my rules :

    1. have a set of interests which does not involve another

    2. do not let anyone chide you in public. stand up to it.

    3. looking to a friend (male or female) when in need of support is not a crime

    4. never ever lose your girl friends !

    Like

  28. IHM,

    No 28 :Never move into his mother’s house.

    I totally support that point.But, in reality especially if I may speak from my experience and by seeing around, after the marriage a girl is just taken directly to the boy’s parents house.And after marriage she cannot claim her own parents house as “my home”…if she says that because that has been her habit for 25 years , immediately she will be corrected as “oh you mean at your mother’s place “….and i hate it when people do that to me..

    Honestly, in an arranged marriage a girl has a very little say and by any chance if she brings the topic of moving out after marriage to her future husband …i am sure he is not going to be happy about it and she is pretty much seen as a threat, capable of dividing the family…
    And especially if the boy is doing business along with his father because of this dependency , it is difficult for the girl to have her own mind…i have seen many succumbed to such situations….

    Like

    • Never move into his mothers house – if it is an arrange marriage – make this a condition before marriage It makes a BIG DIFFERENCE.
      my policy is – 2 women or 2 men can never step into the same kitchen – it makes a lot of noise. if you don’t like what i cook – go ahead and cook and stop giving me instructions every single day. pick up your own plates and cups

      Like

  29. A friend sent me the following a few days back, I think this is ideal for any relationship not just marriage.

    “On Marriage” by Kahlil Gibran

    “Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
    Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
    Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
    Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
    Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
    Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

    Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
    For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
    And stand together yet not too near together:
    For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
    And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

    Me – Beautiful! And I agree too.

    Like

  30. Oh and another one, which I would call my -1( it comes before 1)

    Don’t ever give up telling the truth for fear of losing the relationship. Let me elaborate. if you are afraid of expressing your misgivings about something important for the other, it is better to express them. Otherwise you will end up doing things you do not want to for the duration of the relationship and will resent it.

    Like

  31. Wonderful list IHM. 😛

    6. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

    Yes! A millions times yes. What a lot of women do is they feel being in relationship is the only thing that will make them happy. But don’t seem to realize is if you’re not happy with your life, you’re not going to be happy when you’re in a relationship or married.

    11. Avoid men who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

    I’ve seen this far too many times within my particular community. It makes me sick, but what angers me more is how stupid these women are.

    The only thing I wanted to add to the list is: view yourself as an equal, because if you don’t see yourself that way, then why should he?

    Like

  32. It’s an interesting list IHM. I disagree with some of them though.

    “15.Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.”

    This has already been discussed in the comments above. Trust is of utmost importance to me in a relationship, and it is important that I trust my partner enough to be able to tell him everything, and that my partner feels the same way about me. It doesn’t mean I will tell him every little secret my friends tell me or every little thing I do – it means that I can trust him if I do tell him.

    27. Make him miss you sometimes… when a man always know where you are, and you’re always readily available to him – he takes it for granted.

    My partner doesn’t always know where I am or vice versa. Our individual work and social commitments mean that we aren’t always readily available for each other. And if this comment is meant in the context of ‘a part of your life should be independent of each other’, then I agree completely But not if it was meant in the sense of purposefully becoming unavailable or whatever – that does sound manipulative.

    me – I agree.

    28. Never move into his mother’s house.

    I’m not sure about this one. Again, context matters a lot. In our case, while both sets of parents are fortunately very healthy and independent right now, we don’t know what the future holds. We both have agreed that if either set of parents needs us in the future, we will be there for them. Whether the parents move in with us or whether we move in with the parents is something we will have to figure out based on the situation at that time.

    Me – I guess the fact that the same rules apply to both the sets of parents makes it a little different, also here, there is little chance of the woman being the only one expected to ‘please adjust’.

    Like

  33. The only rule I follow is “Respect each other”. Your list is good, but the problem is relationships are unique and dynamic, so I feel a general set of rules might not work. I dont believe in Mr/Ms Right! Even if it was love at first sight(?!) both partners have to invest in a relationship for it to work out.

    Like

  34. Loved 18 and 28. A fundamental aspect of our beautiful Indian society is that men are treated as quasi Gods. That is very slowly changing, but by large, we live among people who stifle us with ‘Do this, HE likes it, don’t do that, HE hates it.’ And coming to 28, SIGH! Did you hear that loud sigh?!!

    Like

  35. Loved this post, IHM. Really want to print and frame this 🙂
    To add my 2 cents…

    1- Give him space! Retain your own. There is nothing wrong in a man enjoying his Saturday with his boys while you enjoy yours with your girls!! Don’t leech on to him, and vice versa!

    2- Don’t turn into a willing doormat, and then blame him for being oppressed/suppressed/etc. Retain and pursue your interests, and have a life of your own!!!

    Like

  36. I agree with getting to know others while keeping someone in your radar. Multiple dating increases your chances of finding Mr.Right, getting to know yourself, and avoiding yourself from repeating the same past patterns.

    Multiple dating doesn’t mean you’re sleeping or making out with everyone. You’re just going on dates before deciding who to commit to.

    Like

  37. What can I say? You are doing social service here. If only I had got to read this before my relationship, that is one heartache that would never have happened! I admit I scoured the net for help, wondering if what I was going through was abuse or whether I was overreacting. I am sure this will help many others to understand and prevent / leave an abusive relationship.

    My two cents:

    1. Give the relationship enough time. Just because he appears wonderful and caring, does not mean he is.

    2. NEVER set the expectations too high in the beginning of a relationship. If you start bending backwards as soon as you meet him, it will not take him long to break you.

    3. If something makes you unhappy, don’t do it. Adjustment does not mean making yourself unhappy. Adjust only as far as you can without feeling unhappy. If the relationship demands more than that, then it is a case of incompatibility.


    Applicable to both sexes 😉

    Like

    • Not true, Nelly. Good relationships, just like anything that’s good in life, do need terms and conditions and limits and boundaries to be set in the beginning.

      A relationship is like a sapling in a public park. While it is in it’s infancy, inside the soil, everything is nice and cosy. After a while, though, physical attraction fades and the sapling has it’s first glimpse of the realities of existence. This is the stage where the majority of saplings die or wither away. The young sapling must survive through rain and sleet and drought, it must stay safe from animals and pests, and myriad threats to it’s very existence. And to achieve that, it’s existence has to be protected by some kind of wire mesh. This must be prepare for BEFORE it ever emerges from the ground!

      Once the right mesh is found and fixed, the sapling can grow safely until it becomes strong and mature. At this stage, the mesh is no longer required and can be cut away to allow the mature sapling to enjoy the fruits of those years of braving the elements.

      Setting out terms and conditions during the initial phase of a relationship helps to protect it from the threats to it existence. These rules provide a very valuable fallback point to the couple and these are what will hold the relationship steady during a crisis.

      Like

  38. SO many women on this post!! 🙂 🙂 Am I allowed to add some more??

    Okay, I will anyway.

    1) If he is bored, probably you are not the reason.

    2)When he fakes a smile you fake his dinner.

    3) If he lies to you, you refuse to lie (very punny :))

    I *love* #22. Gives the women whole lot of power 🙂

    Like

    • “When he fakes a smile, you fake his dinner”

      Actually laughed out loud at this.

      I fake smiles all the time. Sometimes a part of my job. But at home, it generally has something to do with my wife’s knack for being attracted towards things like Feng Shui, Vaastu Shastra, Astrology and so forth (all which I consider scams).

      It goes like this:

      She: Hey, Prav, look what I bought today! *points to weird looking contraption*

      Me: Huh? What is it?

      She: It removes dark energy and poisonous intentions from the living area.

      Me: Ah, so it keeps your mom from coming to visit, eh? Ha ha ha

      At this point, we both go very, very quiet, a few sparks fly and I resort to faking smiles at the utter coolness of Feng Shui. All in a desperate attempt to avoid a forced exile to the couch.

      Thankfully, I cook more often than her, so she can’t mess with my dinner… 😀

      Like

  39. And a few more

    1. Never ever get into a relationship with someone because it is time you were not alone any more. Get into a relationship only if you find the one, not because your mommy said so, or daddy or aunty or girlfriends- I guess this applies to having kids too.

    2. Never decide to get into a relationship with the mission of changing the significant other- love them for who they are and grow with them

    Addendum to rule 2. Please don’t get into a relationship with someone you cannot grow up with- no matter how old we all have growing up to do

    Like

  40. Excellent set of pointers. However, I don’t agree with No. 15 and No. 25.
    No. 15 — I personally feel your relationship should be at a level where you can trust your partner with your deepest secrets. If you keep secrets, you are not sharing yourself completely. Of course, for that, both parties would need to be open-minded and non-judgmental. And no honorable man or woman would “use” these secrets later against their partners.

    No. 25 — However much we may deny it, at a deep subconscious level we DO LOOK for a person who can “complete” us in some way. By complete I mean that the other person has different set of characteristics, temperaments, skills and qualities which from which learn and become a better person, or balance out to lead a stable conjugal life. It’s like a two person cricket team, where one is a good batsman and one is a good bowler. Two batsmen or two bowlers will not make a “balanced” team! You combine your “incomplete” skills to forge a great team.
    It’s the natural principle, like Yin-Yang. Too much of “yin” or too much of “yang” makes for a disbalanced relationship. And no human being can ever be “WHOLE” anytime during their lives, because we are not omnipotent or all-powerful. This “being whole by yourself” is an incorrect concept in my opinion.

    I will add some of my rules later as I am in a hurry.

    Like

  41. So so true points and I believe in all of them

    And that point 12 is something I tell all my friends who change friend circles post marriage——I am like even if ur guy is ur best friend and sis-in- law the best gal friend- u need a circle which is ur own—-soo soo important….

    Love all ur points….if gals follow them nothing can stop them from having a beautiful relationship and a happy marriage 🙂

    Like

  42. Hahahha…found some of the points so funny…Interestingly, most of the times women end up doing the dont’s and not doing the do’s mentioned in the post.

    There is no point in writing all this…women will keep committing the same mistakes….Not because they are women…but because they are humans.

    Like

  43. Pingback: 75 Inspiring Quotes from Sex and the City ♥ | Twisted sunshine .. ♥

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