A marriage arranged by the parents is better because they have experience.

“परिवार द्वारा तय की गई शादी करने में ज्यादा समझदारी है, क्योंकि माता-पिता को शादी का अनुभव होता है। इस तरह की शादी को संस्कार शादी कह सकते है।

एरेन्ज मैरिज की अवस्था मंे परिजन आपको शादी निभाने में साथ देते है। ऐरेन्ज मैरिज करने वालों के अचेतन मन में परिवार  व समाज का दबाव भी काम करता है।

समाज भी इसे अच्छा मानता है व ऐसे विवाहों की सफलता चाहता है।”

(Thanks for sharing the link Desi Girl)

I am not sure I agree. My response in italics.

A marriage arranged by the family is a wiser option because parents have experience of being married, seeing marriages work etc.

IHM:

1. Most Indian parents accept giving or taking of dowry as a part getting married. Some parents believe dowry might ensure happiness for their daughter. We know the amount of unhappiness this belief causes (click to read).

2. Most Indian parents feel it’s okay for ladki-wale (the bride’s family) to tolerate unreasonable demands from the groom’s family.

Somehow they feel a relationship that begins with one-upmanship, gender bias and bullying will ensure happiness and security for their daughter. It doesn’t.

3. Most Indian parents allow their daughter’s life and choices to be controlled by her husband’s family – like, how much she studies, whether or not she continues working etc.

I know of an Electronics engineer, whose parents promised the groom’s family she was not going to work – this was the groom’s condition. The girl wanted to work. The family felt it was more important for her to get married, how unhappy such a marriage made her did not matter.

4. Many parents see a long-lasting marriage as a happy marriage, even if their children (specially daughters) are unhappy. For most Indian parents, ‘No divorce equals Happily married’.

Experience does not automatically give maturity.

5. Some parents see marrying within the caste and community as more important than the couple’s happiness.

6. In case of boys, parents often prefer a fatter dowry to a more compatible match.

We can call such marriages cultured marriages. In Arranged Marriages your family supports you in making your marriage work. Those who opt for arranged marriages, have the pressure of the family and the society in their subconscious mind to make the marriage work.

IHM:

1. An average Indian parent’s method of supporting a daughter in making her marriage work can be generally summed up in two words, ‘Please Adjust’.

2. Indian parents see a daughter’s happiness as a luxury, her marriage is  seen as more important than her happiness. Her happiness is a matter of fate.

3. They feel it is crucial for their standing in the society that she should Get-Married-and-Stay-Married, and that everybody sees her as ‘Happily Married’. Even if she is not.

4. Most Indian parents feel they should not interfere in their daughter’s life once she belongs to her in-laws.

We know of women who die trying to keep up this facade, be burnt alive or forced to take their own lives.

Society also considers arranged marriages good and wants such marriages to be successful.

IHM:

Only Happy marriages can be called Successful marriages. Does it really matter how the couple met if they are happily married?

A responsible society would support happiness for all its members.



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67 thoughts on “A marriage arranged by the parents is better because they have experience.

  1. First and foremost, in reply to your title, ‘Experience in/of what??’
    Now let me read your post. 🙂

    Me – Experience in being married, and maybe in arranging marriages…

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    • Parents ask kids, ‘Tumhe kya chahiye, …aur tumhe?? ….aur tumhe??” when it is something to eat, make and give each what they ask for. But surprisingly, when it is marriage, parents are supposed to know best?!!!

      And what exactly does, “Society also considers arranged marriages good and WANTS such marriages to be successful.”
      I find the ”WANTS such marriages to be successful’ rather ominous. Marriages should be successful. Period. So a lot of thought should go into it before the knot is tied, whether arranged or love marriage. This wanting arranged marriages to succeed has an ulterior motive to it, if society wants just arranged marriages to succeed.

      Yes, only happy marriages are successful marriages. For marriages to be successful, how the couple met is not an issue.

      What the ‘arranged marriages have more success rate’ school of thought don’t understand is the pressure of the couple to not disappoint the families on either side and live up to society’s expectations, which forces them to continue staying in a marriage that has failed.

      Me – So true Shail, so a successful marriage is any marriage that does not end with divorce.

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      • a successful marriage is one that brings happiness to both, not because it ended in a divorce.

        A divorce is the process of getting out of marriage- only when we look at divorce through this angle – divorce would not hold the stigma in indian society as it does now .
        Divorce is successful when 2 unhappy people get out of marriage.

        Lets be addicted to happiness and not the “successfulness of sucess”

        me – Yes Sneha, our society does need to see divorce differently, ‘Divorce is successful when 2 unhappy people get out of marriage’ sounds good.

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  2. It is such a wrong line of thinking. It is like saying “Since I like something my daughter will like it too, or I am allergic to something and my daughter will be allergic to it too” Marriage is a personal experience, between two individuals. How can a third person, even an important one as a parent know how happy or unhappy you are?

    Your priorities differ, your personal preferences differ too.

    It may have been okay when girls as young as 12 got married, it does not hold true now

    Me – I agree.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think this is an old school thought… like you say… it made sense when the bride was 12 and the groom 15… and they are like kids growing up together. But not when the bride is 23 and the groom 27!

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  3. Hello IHM, i think you have touched upon this topic so many times, most parents still expect that happily married == still married, there are hardly any parents who really and truly know what happiness is for their child, this is true for boys as well as girls. I know so many guys who will not marry outside of their community etc for not upsetting parents, and when such fences are put up by themselves one can hardly do anything but assume that parents choices are best. Also from chutzpah i heard once at a ladies gathering, i figured that when parents have control in children’s choice of spouse they also have the right to intervene and control their lives too. Its manipulation however you look at it, how much of it one can endure it is a personal choice … Trupz

    Me – Arranged marriages do mean parents have more control over the children’s lives, the community also. A lot of people don’t like the couple being so close to each other (compatible) that they forget their ‘commitments to the society/family etc’.

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  4. Why don’t the parents impart to their kids the wealth of knowledge they gained from their marriage, and teach them how to look for a partner and what qualities to seek in them ? Wouldn’t that be better than actually choosing a bride/groom ? Don’t spoon feed the kid ! That same set of parents would push their kids to go for IITJEE/Medical/CAT etc. , and insist that they learn on their own and conquer the world. But when it comes to marrying someone, Mommy and Daddy know the best. May be they do know the best, but they cannot and should not take my decisions for me, but guide me and inspire to take my own decisions .

    me – I agree, guiding makes a lot more sense. In Choice Marriages (or Love Marriages) the couple also has a better idea about how compatible they are.

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    • “Why don’t the parents impart to their kids the wealth of knowledge they gained from their marriage, and teach them how to look for a partner and what qualities to seek in them ? ”

      Yes!! That is exactly what they should do! Excellent point!

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      • because parents are ashamed to admit that their marriage also does not work sometimes. now how can parents admit they too are wrong and do not know it themselves. !!

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      • @Sneha,
        Yes, perhaps that is the reason even unhappily married parents force their children into the same situation they went through. Thereby deluding their own selves too.

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    • Kislay it is not only career choices, but even things like selecting clothes for themselves.. Apparently young people are old enough to get married, not old enough to find someone to marry!

      Me – 🙄 And old enough to be jailed, start a family, earn and support a joint family…

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  5. इस तरह की शादी को संस्कार शादी कह सकते है। – so if i have a love marriage tommrow I dont have any sanskars !
    समाज भी इसे अच्छा मानता है व ऐसे विवाहों की सफलता चाहता है।”- The biggest bane we have in India is {samaj kya kahega} What will people say !
    A parent’s outlook on what they want out of a marriage might be different than the girls’. In how many cases do the parents actually sit down and ask what the daughter wants out of her marriage? Of course there are so many arranged marriages that are successful because the parents take the daughters consent before arranging the match but then there are so many cases when they don’t ! I think arranged marriage is a huge gamble!

    me – A lot of arranged marriages are ‘successful’ also because the girl is asked to stay married no matter how unhappy she is.

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    • Looking at this post and reading the responses make me feel so thankful for my parents. They actually asked me what I want out of my married life and followed the rules I set forth all the way to the bank. Not only that they actually acted as good quality control ( for the lack of better word)

      I think thats where their experience should be used. To guard for the interest of their own kids 🙂

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  6. I doubt that is true.. How can they know how the partner for there daughter or son will behave like…

    As many comments how many parents ask there daughters what sort of person do they want and even after marriage they come out with this silly thing of the girl has gone to her house we cant ask her now

    and for boys too its opposite parents sometime interfere in how the boy and girl are living..

    but then these marraiges have become a gamble a big one .. if it works you are lucky if not then unlucky… So many stories I have heard.. the latest i heard was I asked one of my cousins why she left her husband her answer was oh well the guy does not talk much..

    I mean they have known each other for 3 years before they got married and this is the reason she gave me .. 3 years of going out and 4 months of marriage ..

    ITS A LOTTERY .. you win some you loose some

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    • Bikram when they say, ‘doesn’t talk much’ – there’s a lot more to it than conversations. Have you seen ‘Dhobi Ghat’?

      Mostly even men have only a little say in arranged marriages, dowry plays a big part, and the ‘status’ of the family, also how much he earns – that becomes more important to the woman’s family, than the couple’s compatibility – basically it is not possible to find out anything except income, age, weight, height, ‘reputation’, any obvious health condition, education etc – it’s difficult to know the person, so one has to depend on these things.

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    • You know Bikram, a lot of times what people say and what happened, the real reason for the break up of a marriage may be different from what people may let on. Only the two people involved , no body else on Earth, knows the real reason. For one reason or another those involved (sometimes, not always) do not wish to discuss their issues even with the closest of people, till they are ready, rather IF at all they are ready. So it COULD be that, ‘the guy does not talk much’ may not be the real reason.

      Me – And also imagine a life without communication… like in ‘Dhobi Ghat’ 😦

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  7. Generally agree.

    I have known different types of marriages.
    Love marriages and Arranged marriages.
    I also know of cases where the parents “arranged” for the couple to fall in love!
    And I also know of couples in love who succeeded in making their parents “arrange” the marriage.

    Success and happiness in marriage depends on the maturity of the couple and on the parents too.
    Any marriage is a bit of a gamble irrespective of how the couple married.
    All the marriages need some effort and willingness from the couple to make it work.

    I don’t believe an arranged marriage is best.
    I don’t believe its the worst too.

    Regards
    GV

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    • Love marriage do have a stigma in Indian society ! In that case “Arranged Marriages” should also have a stigma in Indian society because it shows that they are asking 2 kids to tie the knot, not getting married – hence problems arise . doesn’t that reflect – how ignorant the perpetuarators of “arranged marriages can be ?

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      • @Sneha,
        I feel arranged marriages should have the stigma attached to them, because the marriages are arranged based on all the wrong reasons, wealth, family standing, horoscopes….

        me – That’s true Shail…

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    • “Life mein settle hona mangta hai” – AK about marriage in Rangeela. Once we hit a certain comfort zone things don’t change much. But its bit of a gamble like u said.

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  8. Excellent points IHM.
    I had a love marriage myself and for ages the in-laws (FIL and his mother) tried to hide the fact(it was the first of its kind in their entire khaandaan). They made up stories to the relatives, on how it was an ‘arranged marriaged’ for their son. Obviously, the marriage was a shameful incident in the family!!
    Over the years, everyone has come to know of the truth, there is acceptance from all sides and the best part is – around 5 cousin’s from the hubby’s side are now going for love marriages 🙂 . We may have broken the tradition, but boy, are we glad or what?!!
    😀

    Me – Do you know you seriously paved the way for others to have a choice in how they get married? Hats off to you both, The first ones always have it tougher than others.

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    • the arranged marriages in my family are huge failures because the couples are just compatible ! …They want the girl to adjust, but they have been separated for months – others still continue — Only the marriage which had the “love” stigma reigns. relatives and parents who heaped curses and did everything to break our marriage, now move on with silence . Keep up the traditions as long as it brings happiness on all counts – otherwise break it – because sometimes building newer ones brings happiness – Am I addicted to peace and happiness O what ! Before peace comes confusion .

      EVERY “ORderly” society has hidden skeletons . No marriage is successful until and unless people agree to disagree – that is the law of life – it applies in every relationship – personal or business

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      • “They want the girl to adjust, but they have been separated for months… ”

        This is what I have never understood about arranged marriages that are teetering on the brink of failure – people think the marriage can be saved by asking the wife to “adjust”.

        It takes two people to make a marriage work, yet why is only the woman expected to make a bad marriage successful by “adjusting” and “compromising”?

        One need not be a Mensa member to realise that no marriage can be successful if only one person is held responsible for its success or failure.

        By definition, marriage is about two people and Indian society must hold both responsible for its success or failure.

        Men need marriage as much as women do, yet why does Indian society persist in believing that women must “adjust” and “compromise” in marriage more because they need it more?

        Isn’t the husband equally responsible for making the marriage work? Then why does everybody ask the wife to “please adjust”?

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  9. I absolutely agree with you Homemaker. Parents always know whats best for the child…but only when the child is too young to know his/her own mind. After that, the child has a mind of its own, has opinions etc. That is why parents are so keen on educating their children – so that they can stand on their own two feet. Then , why won’t parents also acknowledge the fact that the child may know the kind of person he/she wants to marry? If the child makes a mistake, then it will be a learning experience and the parents can only stand by and watch. They are not going to be around forever.

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  10. “Getting married and staying married”….This line by you will be etched in memory forever. It instantly condenses the complete problem in one single statement.

    me – Yes Vivek, and sad that this should be seen as a goal in life, and not happiness.

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  11. It is such a hypocrisy when someone says the parents know the best… they know how the marriages work ( please adjust kind) and still want the kids to be traded like objects. Most arranged marriages are very business like , i have seen some … the initial talks are always very business like and then later it is like ..please adjust everything will be alright.

    There have been wonderful marriages of the traditional kind too , but it was not because of the system followed..it was because of the two people concerned
    …responsible society is the thing…rightly said.

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  12. I don’t agree with most of the message, but I agree that there is a subconscious social pressure which might be good in some cases and be bad in some.

    One of the positives I feel about arranged marriages is that people have an option of getting married even if they don’t find someone they love.

    Me – I agree Prats, in fact being introduced by the family and then being allowed to make up their minds is not really a typical arranged marriage.

    Problem with social pressures is that if we allow them to rule our lives then how do we pick when to allow and when is it okay to ignore?

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    • Actually the custom in my community is exactly that: you’re introduced by the family and then allowed to make up your minds. And if you fallinlove with someone first, if they are judged to be okay for you(I.e. not an alcoholic, financially stable) then you’re given the go ahead.
      I never knew that “traditional” arranged marriages where dowry is given and daughter in laws are told to “adjust” still existed before I read this blog. You have certainly widened my horizons.

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  13. By that same logic, parents should not be arranging marriages, since their own would have been arranged. Now the exception to the rule obviously is parents who married for love- that is where they have experience in selecting the “right” candidate for marrying. But it is a Catch-22 situation, because if the parents married for love, they are being too controlling in trying to arrange marriages for their children!

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  14. I guess the moral of the story is that experience doesn’t always mean the right type of experience. Experience of bigoted behavior just makes it more entrenched…

    Also, I want to comment on the whole “marriage is a gamble” business. It’s true that many arranged marriages are successful (and vice versa) and many love marriages are not (and vice versa) and the odds of a marriage working out may indeed be impossible to predict.

    However, it’s not the parent’s life and therefore not their gamble to make! You can’t gamble with someone else’s money even if there’s a chance you will win 😀 – and you certainly can’t demand it. If marriage is a gamble, let the risk and responsibility like with the gamblers…

    Me – I agree. The last lines are something all Indian parents would do good to think over…

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    • my parents is an arranged and a bad marriage. Dare not I let them arrange mine. They tried hard to break it our marriage !! Can you beat that. They arraanged for the younger one and It is definitely a flop show. The girl is learning to adjust — I would have laughed , but she is my own sibling.

      Decision making is a process that one learns growing up. So when times comes to making decisions for imp stuff in life , the thought process works the same way.

      hey, everybody doesn’t get it right the first time or the 2nd or 3rd or 4th — if it takes 5 chances to find a suitable companion so be it –

      Sneha writes about happiness – I like what she writes.

      and All marriages are about – give and take. Only when one party wants to take or give all the time, the marriage runs into big trouble. Divorce is a success story when 2 unhappy people get out of it ! What a great way of looking at it

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  15. My parents are really wonderful, forward thinking people. They supported me in everything I wanted to do. In fact, I don’t think I ever heard the words “you cannot do it because you are a girl” from them. When I chose my partner, despite initial conflicts with the families, my parents supported me because they wanted me to be happy.

    With all this taken into account, say a hypothetical situation arose where I had to get married again…would I leave it completely to my wonderful parents who have always wanted the best for me? NO.

    No because we’re are different people living in different times. We have different gauges for measuring our potential spouse’s worth. We have different priorities. And while my parents are wonderful people, they are just not me.

    And finally, as a fully functioning adult, I need to make the choice for myself along with making it work. Support is wonderful, but ultimately it is my marriage and I need to own responsibility for it.

    Someone needs to break this vicious cycle, especially in India. I have seen so many parents wanting to get their kids married in a particular way or to a person of their choice because they never got to make that choice for themselves. And many openly admit that they are fulfilling their wishes through their children. If every person got to fulfil their wishes in their time, we probably would not have them trying to exert their influence on their child’s time.

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  16. I was really wondering about the mentality of typical Indian parents. If their kid achieves success in any field viz. education, sports, career etc by self, parent feel very much proud that their kid is so talented, doesn’t needs their help, and they can boast about it in their so called respective society( which somehow is always looking to find a way to insult them, god only knows why). But when it comes to marriage, it seems that the same kid unfortunately lacks any kind of talent and is bound to make wrong choice of partner if done all individually. Why does it becomes offending for parents that instead of participating with their kids in their very decisions of life, they need to overtake necessarily for marriage? Isn’t a boy/girl of age 25 years or more(supposedly marriageable age in Indian society) grown up enough to make decisions for their life?
    Why did not parents forced the kid to get through their choice of school/college ? Why did not parents forced their kid to choose the field of study of their choice ? Why did not parents forced their kid to find job in a company of their choice ? Where were parents when such kid was making these decision ? Upon this the parents, I guess, must be saying, let him/her make her own decision and learn by mistake. But when it comes to marriage, every rule is moved aside and parents start behaving as Godfather.
    Saying all this I really do not want to sound stubborn who is always against parents making decision. My point of view is that let kid make choice that whether they want to handle their life on their own, whether they need support from parents, or they are comfortable with parents making decision on their behalf. Is it so tough for parents to give this choice to their kids ?

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  17. I have always been interested in how people defined a “successful” marriage. I have a friend from Pakistan, who’s been married for 20 years now, and he seems very unhappy and his wife is too, I guess in their culture since they’re not divorced and raised a family it’s viewed as a “successful marriage.” Getting divorced was out of the question, because that would mean their marriage was failure, even though if they divorced they probably would have been happier.

    So it seems “sticking it out no matter how hard things get” is defined as a successful marriage. What troubles me about this is there’s no emphasis on feeling love and connected. Also I feel this whole notion of being “Happily Married” is more about trying to keep families from “breaking down.” But why does it have to be at the cost of someone’s happiness?

    As for my opinion as to whether arranged marriages are better than “love” marriages. I would it doesn’t really matter. Both forms of marriage have an equal chance of failing or succeeding.

    Me – I agree, but also RenKiss in typical arranged marriages women are more submissive and the couple is less likely to divorce, no matter how unhappy, because there is bigger concern for ‘family honor’. The couple has less choice in where they live, how many (and when) kids they have etc, because like this post says, the ‘society wants such marriages to work’ – the Society’s wants put more pressure on such marriages.
    A lot of modern arranged marriages today simply introduce the young couple – these marriages are not really arranged marriages.

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    • This ““sticking it out no matter how hard things get” even if both the partners (or even one) is unhappy to the core marriages are those we include in ‘successful marriages’ in India and which makes up those large numbers we Indians are so proud to showoff to the ‘West’!

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  18. Parents think they know best b/c that is ALL what they know. They never had a chance to step outside of their comfort zone. So, anything outside of that comfort zone must be bad.

    When my mom tried to push me into arranged marriages, I thought “Oh gosh, I don’t trust her judgment in men.” She thought she was a good judge of what a suitable man was. But, my idea of a “good man” and her idea is completely different. The old generation of a happy marriage is completely different from what the new generation wants.

    me – I think if parents really wish to help, they would guide the child right from the beginning, not force their views. The fact is the society is so terrified of ‘love marriages’ that we ban interactions between men and women – even adults in colleges! We also hear of bans on cell phones for girls for the same reason. The society fears they will lose all ‘control’ over the youth if they allow Choice Marriages. What will such elders do if all the couples take their own decisions? The elders need to find their own interests – get their own lives basically.

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  19. I actually does not matter whether its an arranged marriage, or a ‘love’ marriage.. It just make the initial transition easier in a love marriage (or for that matter in a marriage where you know the guy/girl before-hand). However, in the long run, it is the willingness of BOTH the partners to stick together, to support each other, and love each other, which matters. And what happens in the long run, “no one” can say for 100% sure. Not parents, not the person getting married and neither the society. So in any case, its a gamble. So why not let the children be an important part in deciding what hand to play?! And why not just be supportive of their decisions?! After all, the parents also teach the children “how to chose” all their life. So why not trust the child’s judgment while choosing a life partner?!

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  20. Hi!
    My husband is Indian, I am white (born & raised in California). Obviously ours was a ‘love’ marriage. My husband was terrified to ask his father to marry me. As it turned out we have been happily married for 6 years now.
    It has been my observation that Indians view marriage as a ‘commitment’ while Americans view marriage as being about ‘feelings’.
    There are pros & cons to each side.
    To an American the ‘commitment’ aspect of an Indian arranged marriage can often seem like a ‘business contract’ rather than a romantic relationship. While income and financial stability are important to maintain a marriage, basic compatability is often ignored or feigned leading to divorce.
    As romantic love generally lasts for 2 years, what to do when the ‘feelings’ in an American marriage diminish? Most often Americans divorce falsely thinking the ‘feelings’ of romantic love must ‘always’ be present in order for the relationship to be successful.
    Just my opinion =)

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    • I agree with you. But at the same time, even here in America I can’t help but to feel that “business contract” aspect remains to be a powerful force. Even though it’s been established that marriage is supposed to be about love and companionship, but that economic aspect still very important.
      I was talking to someone the other day about this and she said it’s like we’re stuck in this weird universe where people have stopped viewing marriage as this economic/family joining arrangement . But haven’t quite wrapped their heads around the fact you can’t make love and companionship fit into this neat little box.

      I hope that makes sense. 🙂

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      • With the current economic recession I think more Americans are having to consider the financial implications of marriage. For instance doing a background check and credit check before deciding to marry is quite common now. I have two girlfriends in the US that have well paying professional careers but unfortunately both also have past bankruptcies, their fiancees refuse to marry them and ‘take on’ debt.

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    • your indian husband was terrified to ask his father to marry you. my indian husband just didn’t have the balls to ask. he got married to me, without his parents knowing ! because his father will throw tantrums , no doubt – because i am not a hindu, not from their community, older than him and more qualified than him . and acc to orthodox traditional older folks , an educated bride would refuse to do domestic chores or bow down to In-Laws Wishes and Do “SEVA”

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  21. Staying married = happily married – surprisingly, this perception rules even today…
    The moment a daughter is born, parents’ single-minded purpose in life becomes, ‘responsibly handing her over to a man (who will take care of her for the rest of her life)’. They think it is their responsibility. And somehow, when the girl comes back home, they feel they have failed in their responsibility.
    This will change only when they change the perception of ‘daughter = liability’. If they understand that women are capable of taking care of themselves and focus on equipping/ educating their daughters, there is some chance of this scenario changing over a period of time…

    me – Absolutely agree!

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  22. when sometimes i don’t know what I really want in my partner , I don’t know how my parents will know. Also , all the girls i know can’t imagine even kissing a guy they don’t love .one of my friend when pressurized about marriage said “go ahead fix the marriage but don’t expect any grand children as i am not going to touch this fellow”. I have many Girl friends over 30 unmarried , because they have not met the guy they want to marry .parents are pressurizing , they are not saying NO to arrange marriage but they won’t marry unless they have certain level of love , understanding and a feeling that I want to wake up with this guy all my life .

    and its not just Girls ..i have male friends also very very scared of spending life with a partner they don’t love and can’t share their feelings with. Marriage is a gamble indeed and happy marriage rarer than platinum 🙂

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  23. Marriages are made happy :
    – by the attitude of the two people towards each other
    – by respecting each others wishes and dislikes
    – by not allowing anybody else to take decisions for them
    – and mainly by giving space to each other and not choking them with love either….

    And so being arranged or love doesnt make a difference….its all upto the partners to find if they are compatible and are willing to make the marriage work…

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  24. My Best Friend has a very dominating mother who has interferred in all aspects of her life. Always disapproving of any men who have come into her life. Her mother found a man for her who had a good reputation in the society and forced her to get engaged to him because she felt he would be a suitable husband.

    Throughout the engagement my friend had a nagging feeling that the guy was not right. She once broke off the engagement with him but her mother made her feel so guilty that she went back to the guy and begged him to take her back.

    Anyways a few months into the marriage my friend found out that her husband was addicted to porn, did not do any work, chatted with random females the whole day and was having online affaird with several women. Again the mother intervened and made matters worse.

    Now my friend is finally divorced and happy but she went throught so much of pain and grief and she blames her mother for spoiling her life and forcing her into the marriage. Even now after all she has been through her mother has not learned a lesson and feels that it is right to interfere and make her daughter do her bidding.

    My friend has actually moved to another country to get away from her mother……

    Me – Parental interference in adult children’s life can be harmful, though it’s much more common in case of male children. I am glad your friend has distanced herself from her mother.

    Like

  25. Kislay Chandra in his comments asks -Why don’t the parents impart to their kids the wealth of knowledge they gained from their marriage, and teach them how to look for a partner and what qualities to seek in them ?
    -Really? Are they ready to listen?

    Me – I think one of the reasons why children do not listen is when they aren’t sure if the parents advice is more about their welfare or about the neighbour’s ( or the community etc) opinion.
    Also when parents give advice it should only be an advice – or an opinion, not an order -if it is not accepted, they have to understand that their adult children have a right to disagree.
    Sometimes if parents are prejudiced by caste, class or horoscope etc they lose the faith of their children.
    Those parents who are objective and rational generally find the children do seek their opinion. But even these parents must accept that theirs is only an opinion, never a diktat.

    In this ‘Indivine’ I was reading another post titled- Why should we follow rules’ or some thing like that which sums up the thinking of the present genre.

    Me – Why make generalisation about the present generation?
    Some young people like to follow set rules, some like to try newer methods and make their own rules, – and this too changes under different circumstances.

    Marriages, be it love or arranged will on firm footing only when both partners understand and respect not only each other but also families of each other .

    Me – I feel it’s great if the families get along with all the members, but if for some reason they don’t – since we can’t choose our families, I would be glad to see relationships survive this, if the couple is really happy together.

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  26. Marriages cannot be happy because the selection of the partner is done by self or parents. Parents do have experience in their own life but when it comes to knowing a new person I doubt how experienced are they? Many people cannot be judged by parents or even by partner before marriage. Many marriages end up in divorce or violence because of this problem. Some people act before others while they know that they are going through a testing process. but once that process is over their true nature will come out.

    So my conclusion is that a partner is selected by parents is not a guarantee that the selected partner is the right one.

    Like

  27. I really do not have a single word to say…. you have stated each sentence clearly and correctly…bang spot on… 😐

    Does it really matter how the couple met if they are happily married?
    Amen.
    Wish more ppl realised it…

    Like

  28. Its like we refuse to look at mirror and accept the truth, All people who have had an arrange marriage know what could have been better or worse if they had chosen their life partners themselves, its not just about husband its the whole set of things ( expectation, sometimes dowry (in the name of gifts etc), society pressure etc which comes along.

    i am happy that i decided for myself, i wish there were others who could do so

    Like

  29. I feel divorce rates will increase a lot in india in comming days
    Me – Yes I think Indians are beginning to see only happy marriages are worth keeping, unhappy marriages should end in successful divorces.

    as i see in most of the marriages the girls are going in for the Money,

    Me – Are girls beginning to ask for dowry?

    education of the boy, abroad living, high living standards of the boy, Alimony, etc… as long as these are the things of interest the divorce rates will keep on increase..
    Me -Women too are beginning to have choices now. Also his attitude towards women, and whether or not he see his spouse as a partner.

    We can see everywhere a divorcee women and men..
    Me – Thankfully, now divorced women can have a life too. I recently read maybe people should marry only when they want to, not under any pressures.
    its all crazy new world.
    Me – It might seem crazy but it was a much needed change. Unhappy, bitter marriages are not a good thing to happen to men, women and their families.

    Dont understand they just want to have some material things from marriage and also different tastes…
    Me – One must understand before getting married, exactly what the partner wants from marriage. It’ s crucial, happiness of both the partners is equally important, so women’s wants should also be considered.

    Thank God..Not in this mess.
    Me – Anybody who sees marriage as mess is perhaps not ready for it.

    Like

    • Well, I had seen lot women now a days looking for money out of marriage.
      1) Like asking alimony during the divorce.
      Me – I feel that is fine, if the woman was not earning, if she put her chances of earning on hold for her marriage…
      2) harassing the husband and their family with false cases of 498 a and dowry cases.
      Me- A lot of such cases are genuine, and even with the law there, we still have women being burnt, or forced to commit suicide.
      3) extra marital relationships of women.
      Me – Cheating is equally wrong for both men and women.
      4) Asking for a better life style than the husband can offer.
      Me – Marriage is about sharing, so whatever lifestyle they have – is common to both, how do women ask for a better lifestyle? Do you mean they both like to spend on different things?
      5) asking money/gifts for sex from husband.
      Me – Should be a shared experience, if she is unwilling that should be respected. Asking for gifts might imply she is doing something she does not want to.
      6) Asking for property of husband even when the government had provided the equal share of rights for the property from her parents.Though legally this is not valid.
      Me – There are two extremes, some women get nothing from either side, some might get from both the sides. This needs to be better understood, even today most people think a girl should only get from her husband’s share. Many women are asked to sign away their share for their brothers.

      Its good to find more and more Indian divocee women…
      Me – It’s good to see single women living happy lives, divorce should not be a stigma.

      i agree with you. But i feel i am too orthodox as the world is changing too fast.
      Me – But don’t you agree that unhappy marriages where women had to stay married because divorce was not seen as an option were unfair to women? I know of women who are being beaten black and blue but even today, they are afraid of divorce. Their children suffer too…

      Just what we can do is protect our family from these people.
      Me – I feel we need to think of only one thing – that if it is giving someone a chance to live a happier life, then it is not a bad change. Also we need to remind ourselves, that everybody has an equal right to live a happy life, women, men, children. Yes, women too.

      Like

      • Me – I feel that is fine, if the woman was not earning, if she put her chances of earning on hold for her marriage…
        I agree to this.

        Me- a lot of such cases are genuine, and even with the law there; we still have women being burnt, or forced to commit suicide.
        We have men also who had committed suicide for the false cases. No, you are wrong the Supreme Court had given a notification of not taking any action against these cases and no more these cases are serious.pls check the notification.

        Me – Cheating is equally wrong for both men and women.
        I agree to this

        Me – Marriage is about sharing, so whatever lifestyle they have – is common to both, how do women ask for a better lifestyle? Do you mean they both like to spend on different things?
        In today’s scenario most women are seeking a costly lifestyle than the amount husband earns which can lead to bankrupt of the family. Most of the today’s divorce cases are for the materialistic lifestyle what women are demanding.

        Me – Should be a shared experience, if she is unwilling that should be respected. Asking for gifts might imply she is doing something she does not want to.
        Of course if she no more interested in having sex with husband she is free to divorce. But asking money/gifts/gold for sex by wife leads to prostitution.

        Me – There are two extremes, some women get nothing from either side, and some might get from both the sides. This needs to be better understood, even today most people think a girl should only get from her husband’s share. Many women are asked to sign away their share for their brothers.
        Wife cannot get any share from husband property as per Indian law or any law globally its because property of husband or wife belongs to kids…:)
        Regarding the signing of property to brothers its pure selfish nature & hypocrisy.

        Me – It’s good to see single women living happy lives, divorce should not be a stigma.
        But imagine when tomorrow kids grow up and they have to get married no one will marry a single woman kids.

        Me – But don’t you agree that unhappy marriages where women had to stay married because divorce was not seen as an option were unfair to women? I know of women who are being beaten black and blue but even today, they are afraid of divorce. Their children suffer too…
        See divorce should be a last option if violence is present but for money or life style if women opts for divorce she can’t find happiness anywhere.

        Me – I feel we need to think of only one thing – that if it is giving someone a chance to live a happier life, then it is not a bad change. Also we need to remind ourselves, that everybody has an equal right to live a happy life, women, men, and children. Yes, women too.
        Happiness is in family life not being single and roaming around.

        Like

  30. Arranged marriages is just another tool to exert and maintain control over the children’s lives. These parents are living through their children, they have experience in how to put up with crap, leading mediocre lives, paying of ever increasing debt, pleasing people and manipulating their children. A legacy of filth.

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  31. Pingback: Who is the head of a family? | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  32. I can scream myself hoarse from the rooftops at the indignity and the ridiculousness of it all… but my mom and dad still don’t get why I choose to not get married to the jerks they bring forth.
    They have accepted me for who I am, not out of choice… but for lack of it.
    They still don’t agree with my decisions… they don’t even agree that I should be able to MAKE decisions on this matter… but obviously… they don’t get to choose my husband.

    I don’t think making them read this will make it any different.

    Like

  33. Pingback: An email: My principal fear is my wife is not going to be able to love my parents as much as I do. | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  34. Pingback: An email: “My in laws want me to stay here with them while my husband works in another city.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  35. Pingback: “I am betraying my parents, country and culture by not having an arranged marriage, people are talking, younger sisters not getting married.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

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