Remember the Anonymous Confused Wife?

This mail from the Anonymous Confused Wife had arrived moments before I hit publish on the last post, Confused Wife agreed to let it be shared here. Do you think reading this email might help the domestic violence victim in the last post?

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Hi IHM-

Hope you’re doing well. You might remember me as the anonymous confused wife who emailed you her laundry list of problems a while back.

Today happens to be day of great clarity for me and I want to share the details with you. You and other readers of your blog helped me get here and I’m very grateful for that!

After the discussion on your blog, I thought I had made up my mind about getting a divorce. But I kept flip-flopping for months because I wasn’t sure I was ready for the life of a divorcee. I kept thinking of how my parents would feel about it, how hard it would hit them, how it would affect their social life, and how I’d have to deal with that guilt for the rest of my life. I can understand why a lot of educated, otherwise empowered Indian women don’t do it. The loss is just too much to bear: not only do you lose a spouse, you also cause grief and pain to the rest of your family especially if they’re not on the same wavelength as you.

I didn’t tell my parents anything about my marital problems – because I was too proud. I’d fallen in love with and married a guy of my own choice, I’d been an adult for a while now, “I should be able to handle my marriage on my own” etc. Also because I was scared – I figured they’d encourage me to keep “working on it” and compromise and adjust and all those things all those parents say, but at the same time keep worrying about me. So net result would be the same bad marriage for me but more grief for them.

Finally, months later, I poured my heart out to them because I couldn’t take it any more. And I was stunned by their response – “If you’ve been so unhappy, why did you wait this long to tell us? You can’t spend the rest of your life dealing with this. Get out of it and move on the soonest you can.”

I kept repeating the same thing over and over again: “Aap mujhe jaldi se doosri shaadi ke liye toh nahin kahoge naa? Aap mere peechhe toh nahin padh jaoge naa, phir se shaadi karne ke liye?” (‘You won’t pressurize me to get married again?‘)

And they kept reassuring me that they won’t, they just want me to be happy.

I cannot describe in words the relief I feel. And the immense gratitude. They could have made this so much harder for me but they didn’t. I didn’t think I would ever feel happy initiating a divorce – in spite of the knowledge that I couldn’t possibly be happy staying in this marriage – but I do. The only thing that was holding me back is now gone. It is a wonderful, wonderful feeling. To know that there’s nothing that stands between me and my happiness, that they’ll be happy for me when it’s all over. To know that THEY KNOW I’m capable of being very, very happy even when single and alone (not the same as lonely). THEY AGREE I can spend my time on better things than figuring ways around the dysfunctional relationship between a mama’s boy and his mother.

Thank you, IHM. Thank you, universe.
Love and peace,
Confused No More

____________________________________________

Here’s one more way to celebrate the 100th International Women’s Day.

Click below to find out more. Hurry up, there are ten exiting prizes to be won.

64 thoughts on “Remember the Anonymous Confused Wife?

  1. Hats off to such parents. Our world could be such a better place if we had more of them.
    Confused (no more) – I am so happy for you. I wish you all the happiness in life.

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  2. CW has really brought out how the wish to not hurt one’s parents can hold one back in unhappiness (and worse). And it’s dismaying to see her elucidating this sentiment “I’d been an adult for a while now, “I should be able to handle my marriage on my own”. It’s scary to see how we women are first infantilised by being called girl and child, and then made to feel we are adults and should handle probelms on our own. To be ‘adult’ does not mean to be without support. How many unhappy and abused women feel this way? Like you say IHM, what’s the Great Indian Family for???

    CW….I’m so so happy for you, and hats off to your family. The only feeling I got for you is, “THANK GOD!”

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  3. good to see this happening..it is always better to have your parents by your side..it gives you an emotional support you need when you go through such a difficult phase in life..arranged marriage or love marriage – victim will always be a victim..at such times, all one wants is the support..even a small sentance like I am there works wonders..hope more and more people realize that..

    bloggers did nothing that could have helped anonymous confused wife change the situation..all we did was just to be there..and that made all the difference..that’s all it takes!

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  4. I’m so glad CW has made this decision before she complicated things further by bringing a child into the whole messy equation. All the best to you, CW, for the rest of your life.

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  5. Brave woman indeed! And she’s lucky to have such a supportive family. We are told since we are in school that it’s the best to not cling on to something that hurts/is bad for us. But we do. For fear of what our friends would say, what our parents would say and what the society would say. It’s heartening to know there are people who listen to what their heart says.😀

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  6. Here’s cheers to that. Happy for you, i am sure your email a few months back gave a lot of food for thought to a lot of us. Stay happy, unapologetically. Society tries to make you feel guilty ever so often, now that you are on your way to being single again, steer clear of people who try to pull you down with the “divorcee” tag. Get what i mean?? I hope u do.. Lots of love and hugs. You stopped being confused a long time back, you know, perhaps when you first hit the compose tab to write that strong mail. Yayy…

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  7. Just because you are divorced CW, it doesn’t mean that you are going to live happily ever after. It just means that you have chosen a new path for your self, it means that you have taken complete responsibility for your life, it means that you have become a confident individual.

    But the road on which you need to tread is always the same – both thorny at times and rosy at times. Happiness, like sorrow is not eternal.

    Destination Infinity

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  8. That’s great to see her parents so supportive. You never know unless you tell them. Good for her for setting out on a new life, and she has people advocating it.

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  9. God bless you confused no more! May as many women tht deserve such support receive it with as much readiness as you have! May all women have such wonderful parents! Wish you all the best for your future! Stay brave!

    IHM I am so glad your blog can make such a difference dear! God bless you too!🙂

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  10. Reading the story of “The Confused Wife” am amazed that my story is word-for-word the same as hers.

    My divorce came through about 10 months ago.
    And while the whole thing is best forgotten, I have come to view my parents in a whole new light.

    So good luck dear confused wife!

    P.S – the promise not to pester me for remarriage lasted all of 6 months🙂
    And while I am nowhere close to considering another marriage , somehow I find it really hard to be annoyed with them anymore🙂

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  11. DG sailed in the same boat. Her parents had an idea that it was not all good in the paradise but she would not let a word out so as to protect them; most of all she too was too proud to accept her choice misfired. Then Atiya told her give your parents more credit than you think they are capable of. It was so true once they knew the whole situation they supported her 110%. In last half a decade they have never asked DG to get married or what her plans are. Yeah, some nosey relatives do ask and suggest what my parents should do about her. Ha as if DG will abide🙂.

    Dear Confused no more,

    You made the 100th anniversary of International Women’s day even more sweeter. Good Luck sista. It is a long road, some days will be good, some not so but nothing will be impossible once you put your heart and soul into it.
    You know where to find your net sistas🙂

    Go gal go and claim your happiness.
    Peace,
    Desi Girl

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  12. bravo
    wish more and more parents were like them.
    all the best to the confused wife.because you still have many hurdles to cross
    but with your parents on your side and your new found confidence , you surely will march ahead with your head held high

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  13. Glad to know that she has moved on. Life is like that – you need to break the existing pattern to change your circumstances. Sometimes it can be so hard! Glad that she has the support of her parents.

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  14. Dear Confused no more,

    I went thorough the exact same thing, and take it from someone who has been there n doen that.. U made the right choice. and whn u have ur parents backing you, u’ll have a smoother ride. Destination Infinity is bang on.

    Good Luck n God Bless
    🙂

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  15. This mail is a true example of how we lady’s bind ourselves to the thinking “our parents will not support us or what will ppl say” but the fact is that times are changing and instead of bearing it alone it is better to come out in open. Cheers to your courage anony🙂

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  16. Dear IHM !
    Its been yrs I hav been reading ur blog n in numerous ways u have inspired me. This episode of the confused wife reminds me abt a book I recently read “Gently falls the Bakula” by Sudha Murthy..Its a must read for every women !!

    Happy Freedom to CW n a very happyy women’s day to all !

    Like

  17. Hello Confused Wife,

    Yes I remember your long mail and the elaborate discussions only too well.

    Your post was the one that made me participate for the first time and later become a regular reader of this blog. Desi Girl had alerted me to your mail and once I read your post and the reactions of the readers of this blog, I too got hooked. Since then I have been frequenting this blog as often as I can.

    I also remember, my responses did not go down too well with you and other readers.
    In fact some of my questions became the topic of another blog post that generated even more responses from everyone around here.

    Off and on I did think about you and wondered how you were doing.
    Thanks for this update
    I am very happy to note that you have your parents support.

    You have had enough time to consider the pros and cons and I am sure your decision now will not be a emotional, impulsive or hurried decision.

    I only hope you will have no legal problems and now that you have decided to part company, it will be by mutual consent with no bitterness on either side but with good wishes for a happier future for both of you.

    But, in my heart of hearts, as an orthodox elder from another generation, I am still having a fond hope, that once confronted with this temporarily unpleasant alternative, your hubby can be brought around, made to understand, your mother-in-law will also realize that she is cause of it all, and will decide to step back for the sake of her darling son, if not for your sake.

    Perhaps even now there can be a mutually satisfactory patch up and both of you can forget this whole thing as a bad dream and resume living a happy married life.

    Anyway, may whatever happens now, be the best for both of you.

    With benign blessings and good wishes

    G Vishwanath
    Age: 62

    Like

  18. I know atleast 2 more women who have almost the exact problem (In-law abuse, mama’s boys, worry about I-selected-him-so-how-can-I-expect-my-parents-to-help-me-out-now, and the fear of upheaval) that CW went through.

    Unfortunately, they’re still trying to work it out because there are kids already (who are attached their fathers), and their own parents are unable to give them this kind of support due to numerous other constraints.

    Considering this, I’m thankful there are atleast *some* such stories that pave the way to hope. Thank you for publishing this, IHM!

    Like

  19. Oh this is wonderful . I am so proud of those parents. We want some more of that kind. Yes , i believe this experience of ‘confused girl going on to get her conviction’ will be helpful to the girl in the last post …as well as many others who read these pages and never get to express themselves…

    I love your blog for this.

    Like

  20. Hey girl, I am happy for you… and glad your parents are so understanding and supportive.
    Wishing you happiness in life and hope the husband realizes how he lead his life to this stage.

    ((hugs))

    Thanks for sharing these mails here IHM. love you.

    Like

  21. I am glad you did that. But I still have this question -> You escaped, but sooner another girl would fall prey to the same mama’s boy and his mom. Is there a way you can teach them something before you get your divorce. Because they will continue to feel that they were right!!!

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  22. happy for you dear :)its a true victory ,,,i knw how dicy things can get sometimes!!!!all the best for you :)may you get alll happiness in life:)

    hats off to You IHM for introducing her to herself🙂

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  23. I know it was not easy to take this decision, CW. You are lucky to have such good parents. It is not going to be an easy life, but more peaceful life, I am sure. My family has got 2 divorcees and they are working and quite happy now than before. It will take sometime to settle down, though.

    All the best! It was nice of you to give moral support to this lady, IHM!

    Like

  24. Excellent news I hope more and more people are able to take the decision to get out of relations that are not working be it a male or the female..
    and Kudos to the parents too for standing by there daughter..

    Good luck and all the best for a new start and a new life …

    Like

  25. Its awesome that she has supportive parents behind her! You never know what life has in the future, but it helps to know that you family is behind you🙂
    Good luck, and I hope things go as you wanted🙂

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  26. Good luck, CW although it seems to me like you’re going to make your own luck (and that’s the best kind, surely). I am happy you have made your mind up. Not an advocate for divorce at the best of times but I think being an abused doormat is a far worse fate than being a divorcee!

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  27. Thank you all for your wishes! I feel very fortunate to be where I’m at right now. The minute I heard that my parents would be okay with it, I had no trouble acknowledging to myself that walking out was exactly what I wanted to do. If that hadn’t been the case, I would have always wondered…..
    I understand this is not the end of all my problems, but it definitely is the end of one big problem that’s been affecting everything else in my life, and I couldn’t be happier to put it behind me.

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  28. So glad to hear that this story had a positive ending – of course, CW will have many more challenges to face, but at least she isn’t stuck on a road leading nowhere. My best wishes to you, CW and may you have the courage you need for the road ahead and many the road ahead be a happier one.

    Like

  29. Oh I’m just so glad for you, Confused-no-more. My heart went out to you when I read your last e-mail in here.
    I’m so so glad you found the courage to go find your happiness.
    Your parents are the best!🙂

    Thanks IHM, for sharing this!

    Like

  30. Spoken like sensible and supportive parents! May you go ahead and have a wonderfully enriching life, CW, whether single or not.
    I’m glad you broke the last mental/emotional barrier, and with such cheering results. More power to you.

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  31. Well, I guess congratulations on the divorce🙂

    You’ll find that it’s not so bad as people make it out to be – being a divorcee that is. Also your ex would also be happier now than when he was with you. So this is the best decision for both of you!

    Like

  32. once my father had asked, what will you do if your husband decides to leave you some day? I said, If he has to go, he will go. And If that day comes for me to take that same decision I will too. He was shocked. I got married without the support of my parents and if I ever have to walk out , I will have to do that on my own – with only my own support, not anybody else. I will only have only me.
    I didn’t ask for any permission
    I asked for no pity
    I only asked to be me.
    And only me.
    And there is so much happiness in the Universe that I can have enough and enough to share to all – With or Without Parents.
    So for all those women who does not have support from anybody – gather your courage, and your love for yourself and above all gather your happiness and walk your life – The universe has enough of happiness to give you. It was always waiting.

    Like

  33. CW, you are lucky that you are out atleast with lovely parents to support you. There are many who thought like this but never got out and somewhere down the line got used to the life…

    Like

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