This mail from the Anonymous Confused Wife had arrived moments before I hit publish on the last post, Confused Wife agreed to let it be shared here. Do you think reading this email might help the domestic violence victim in the last post?
Hope you’re doing well. You might remember me as the anonymous confused wife who emailed you her laundry list of problems a while back.
Today happens to be day of great clarity for me and I want to share the details with you. You and other readers of your blog helped me get here and I’m very grateful for that!
After the discussion on your blog, I thought I had made up my mind about getting a divorce. But I kept flip-flopping for months because I wasn’t sure I was ready for the life of a divorcee. I kept thinking of how my parents would feel about it, how hard it would hit them, how it would affect their social life, and how I’d have to deal with that guilt for the rest of my life. I can understand why a lot of educated, otherwise empowered Indian women don’t do it. The loss is just too much to bear: not only do you lose a spouse, you also cause grief and pain to the rest of your family especially if they’re not on the same wavelength as you.
I didn’t tell my parents anything about my marital problems – because I was too proud. I’d fallen in love with and married a guy of my own choice, I’d been an adult for a while now, “I should be able to handle my marriage on my own” etc. Also because I was scared – I figured they’d encourage me to keep “working on it” and compromise and adjust and all those things all those parents say, but at the same time keep worrying about me. So net result would be the same bad marriage for me but more grief for them.
Finally, months later, I poured my heart out to them because I couldn’t take it any more. And I was stunned by their response – “If you’ve been so unhappy, why did you wait this long to tell us? You can’t spend the rest of your life dealing with this. Get out of it and move on the soonest you can.”
I kept repeating the same thing over and over again: “Aap mujhe jaldi se doosri shaadi ke liye toh nahin kahoge naa? Aap mere peechhe toh nahin padh jaoge naa, phir se shaadi karne ke liye?” (‘You won’t pressurize me to get married again?‘)
And they kept reassuring me that they won’t, they just want me to be happy.
I cannot describe in words the relief I feel. And the immense gratitude. They could have made this so much harder for me but they didn’t. I didn’t think I would ever feel happy initiating a divorce – in spite of the knowledge that I couldn’t possibly be happy staying in this marriage – but I do. The only thing that was holding me back is now gone. It is a wonderful, wonderful feeling. To know that there’s nothing that stands between me and my happiness, that they’ll be happy for me when it’s all over. To know that THEY KNOW I’m capable of being very, very happy even when single and alone (not the same as lonely). THEY AGREE I can spend my time on better things than figuring ways around the dysfunctional relationship between a mama’s boy and his mother.
Thank you, IHM. Thank you, universe.
Love and peace,
Confused No More
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