I dreamt of my daughter twice more after that first time on 3rd January, and just the way nightmares can feel real and cause real terror, these dreams left me feeling peaceful.
In the dream on the 12th morning, I asked her, “We had burnt your body, then how are you in that same body?” She just smiled very serenely, and I hugged her. I hugged her a lot.
I asked her, “Were you in pain when you were in the ICU?”
She said, “Yes. I was almost fainting.”
She said this very simply, still smiling very sweetly. So, yes it was painful, but it was over and she was fine now. Strangely it didn’t hurt me to hear her say she was in pain, and maybe I would have never believed she was in no pain. But still, how could it comfort me to hear her say she was in pain?
Maybe what was comforting was that she was fine now.
Then a small animal appeared, with a snake in it’s mouth and the snake managed to wriggle and escape. In this dream I was aware that she was going to go back, and realised she could ‘go back’ (or die) with a snake bite too. I didn’t want to be taken by surprise, so we went to my room and locked the door from inside. We sat on a mudha and I held her on my lap like a small baby, hugging her tight. I was fine with her going back, so long as I would know when she left.
The other dream was on 13th Feb, it was longer, I asked more questions, she smiled very sweetly, gave more hugs and some of it is hazy now, but it resulted in me waking up with a smile and finding the camera and taking blurry pictures of an unexpected Kingfisher from our balcony.
In all the three dreams, I was aware that she was dead and was only visiting. In each I was prepared for her to leave again.
Was this my subconscious mind putting ideas in my head? Were these Lucid Dreams’? Did I ‘will’ these dreams?
Here’s what I feel: When the pain is so wrong and so senseless, there’s no harm in it being dealt with something that seems equally illogical.
And anyway I have no choice or control in either the dreams or the pain, then why not just be grateful for the comfort these dreams bring?
Another mother blogged about how dreaming of her daughter, five years after she died, helped her, here.