2011… and an unbelievable dream.

This new year is like none before. There’s still a wish that I will wake up tomorrow morning to find that the second half of the 2010 never happened. I am sure we are recovering in some ways but they say a child’s death changes you. How much have we changed? I have lost all my fears and worries. What bothers most people (and me earlier) doesn’t matter anymore. And somethings which others might find trivial have become a matter of survival.

Festivities are a painful time. A child’s birthday is now a day both cherished and dreaded. New year eve has no meaning. And one wakes up every morning hoping this day begins easier. I have learnt it helps to avoid whatever and whoever causes pain. This too has become a matter of survival.

Avoiding triggers is not always easy. The biggest trauma triggers are  claims that  another hospital, a different treatment or another set of doctors could have saved Tejaswee’s life. One near stranger asked questions and  although I knew where I was treading, I talked about the treatment and symptoms and illness. And then relived it all that evening.

A friend said that she tried but could not imagine herself in my position. She said even thinking about something happening to her child was just too horrible. Why did it hurt me? It was (and still is) unimaginable for me too. If it wasn’t I would have said goodbye to her when doctors said only a miracle could save her…

Sometimes some people are only expressing how they feel, but I am pushed into days of unbearable lows.

My sister says sometimes I look and sound so ‘normal‘ that it is difficult to remember how fragile the normalcy is. She says it is difficult to know what the right thing to say is. (The answer to this is, when in doubt, just be a good listener and give no unasked for advice. This requires another post.). She remembered how she had called me this September and upon hearing my “Hello” burst into tears saying the emptiness in my voice reminded her of a friend who had lost her daughter five years ago. She said death of a child did that to mothers. I didn’t want to live for five years if what she said was true.

I had reminded her (and myself) that I hoped to remember my daughter with a smile and although I am learning this is not always easy, I am still working on it. Our life has changed and happiness, as we saw it earlier, is no longer a part of this new life.

And yet something happened that brought peaceful joy and happy-sad tears at the same time.

At around 5 am on 3rd Jan, I dreamt of my daughter. She wore her gray sweater and she was smiling. I saw myself holding her close and telling her I had missed her so much because I never got to tell her how much I loved her (and hear the same from her) one last time before she died. No hugs. No reassurances. No idea how she was feeling or if she was feeling anything at all.  No idea, even that we were not going to be walking out together from that ICU. And she smiled with sweet (no other word describes it) understanding, held my face and said she loved us very much and I hugged  her tight and we sat and talked and I think (this bit is hazy) took photographs together.

It was a long dreamlike dream. I told her, after this time spent with her, I could now live with her dying and going away forever. And she smiled sweetly, half teasingly, at my comfortable mention of her death. (I didn’t discuss their death with my kids, fearing, sort of, that talking about death might make it happen. She always thought it was okay to talk about our loved ones dying.) As it happens in dreams, I could hear her thoughts, and she thought (conveyed) she was going nowhere. And I knew in this dream that she had died. And yet the feeling of peace stayed.

I woke up and fearing I might forget parts of this precious dream, shared every detail with my husband. He still relives her time in the ICU when trying to sleep, but for two nights after this dream, he has slept peacefully.

This is another way in which we have changed, …or maybe not changed. Her smile, even in a dream, doesn’t fail to provide hope and strength.  And a reason to remember her always with a proud, loving smile.

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123 thoughts on “2011… and an unbelievable dream.

  1. Here’s wishing the new year brings much comfort to your broken heart and here’s wishing and hoping that the almighty gives you the strength to tide over your grief.

    Me – My best wishes for the new year to you too Philip.

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  2. I’m so glad you dreamt of her…you had really been longing to see her again. What a beautiful, peaceful dream. Hugs.

    Lots of people put me thru’ that, dissecting, preaching and analysing it like it wasn’t an unavoidable tragedy..why can people not accept that medical science has its limitations? Why can’t they admit to a grieving person that yes, it can happen to anyone, no matter how hard you and the doctors try and how hard people pray? Does saying or thinking that make it come true? Illness, suffering and loss happen, none is immune to it.

    New year is painful…how does one leave behind that part of oneself that mothered and nourished that child? Advance hugs for Tejaswee’s birthday.

    Me – I just can’t get over this beautiful dream Starry… couldn’t have asked for more. I still feel overwhelmed and very grateful.

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    • and somehow so apt that you dreamt of taking photographs together…that’s just so like you and Tejaswee! I’m also so glad it’s helped your husband feel more peace.

      I agree with what you replied to Sandhya…it’s better to accept the changed reality than pretend to be happy for the sake of your son, he’s grieving too…and I think ultimately IHM, you will all move towards a different happiness, it will never be the same as before, but it could possibly be a more ‘real’ happiness and peace. I don’t know how to explain it clearly…the sadness never leaves, it touches everything forever, but things do get better slowly, they will for all of you.

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    • And your dream is not unbelievable at all…you are so open to possibility and connection that it happened for you. Never close your mind IHM, believe, and hope, always, always.

      Me – The possibilities are desired and wished for Starry. Even though I am taken my surprise when they happen. This dream is something I am still overwhelmed by…

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  3. I thank God on bended knees to have sent you that dream. Healing has started I feel, it has to, if you met her and talked to her.

    Me – I know… I can’t quite get over it. It’s like a dream (that the dream happened).

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  4. after a while it becomes easy, its always does,, thats how we are designed

    Me – Yes I think it does Maya, except for the unexpected lows that one must watch for.

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  5. Hugs to all three of you!
    Hope this year is one filled with comfort, more love, more happiness and more togetherness. Hope it’s one with more strength, lesser grief, more hopes and more good.
    Love!

    Me – Thanks Scorpria. Hugs and new year wishes to you.

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  6. ‘Our life has changed and happiness, as we saw it earlier, is no longer a part of this new life.’ A good, loving son is there, IHM! He will fill the gap to some extent. Please don’t think like this, it hurts to even read this.

    Me – Sandhya I wish I could change this, but our lives have changed, my son’s too. We will always see death as a fact of life. If I could undo it for him I would… but I do know he will heal the fastest, he is young. He does go out and hangs out with his friends… but no matter what we do, the scars will remain. His companion and ally for the first 18 years of his life is not there and like he says, if she was never there, it would have been different, but she was there and he knew her, and now she is no longer there, will never be there again… At first he even talked of never wanting to marry or having any children (because they can die so what’s the point), but now he doesn’t. He will heal although the scars will always remain.

    I didn’t read the whole post and wrote the above line as soon as I read it, but now, I am happy to read that Tejaswee is there in some way, to comfort you!

    Take care and the coming years are going to be good for you, IHM.

    Me – Thank You Sandhya… I feel very, very grateful for this dream.

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  7. Hugs IHM, and praying that the coming year brings some peace and solace to you.

    Me – Thank You Ruchira, I think it has begun on a healing note…
    My best wishes for a happy 2011 to you too.

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  8. Thank you for sharing it here, IHM! I’m happy for you that this happened and brought you that feeling of peace. Hugs for you and your family 🙂

    Me – Thank You Neha.
    And a happy 2011 to you.

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  9. I’m so happy about the peace the dream has brought you and your husband. I don’t want to talk about things I don’t understand but see if you can get hold of a book, The Swan in the Evening, by Rosamund Lehman. It should be available in the British Library. In it the author talks about being in touch with her daughter after her daughter died unexpectedly. The author was totally unprepared for her daughter’s death and could not come to terms with it. Then one day when she was lying in a stupor for the third or fourth day, something put her in touch with her daughter. Do hope you can get hold of the book. I read it long ago; borrowed it from the British Library in Mumbai.

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  10. Dear IHM,

    Welcome back after this break.

    I feel for you.
    But , as you rightly say,

    Quote:
    (The answer to this is, when in doubt, just be a good listener and give no unasked for advice.
    Unquote:

    So I will merely be a good reader and empathise and give no unasked advice on how to cope. Frankly, I wonder if I am even competent to do so.

    I pray that you get over this tragedy and face the future with courage.
    Keep blogging. It’s a great stress buster.
    Regards
    G Vishwanath

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    • Thank You Mr G Vishwanath. Yes, blogging has been a blessing… in the beginning I used to read out all the comments to my family. Sometimes even to friends and acquaintances, about how there are no rules for grieving, and how all someone coping with such an imaginable loss needs, is support. Sometimes just getting involved in an unrelated discussion helps, sometimes the blog becomes a place to share and connect.

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  11. She had a radiant smile . I wish you peace, and serenity . How is your son ?

    Me – He is affected too Kislay. His life has changed in many ways he does not even realise it now… but he has support and he is open and expressive, I think that is a blessing.

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  12. Hugs, IHM. I think of you often.

    “sometimes I look and sound so ‘normal‘ that it is difficult to remember how fragile the normalcy is.”

    I understand all about that. Our reasons may be very different, but I know very well how difficult it is to seem normal when everything might not be. Hang on, there, and maybe some day you might be able to come to terms with an apparent normalcy. Which we have to if we are to go on with what good we do have in our lives.

    Tejaswee, of course, will always live in your heart.

    Me – Sometimes I feel ‘normal’ – not really normal but a kind of normal, and it takes very little to shake it now, but I am sure over a period of time, it will get easier to be normal one day I am sure… Yes Sandhya, she lives in my heart and in my thoughts, every moment of my life.

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      • @Well Wisher –

        I agree Well-Wisher… here’s something I liked from what you have linked,

        At some point it becomes bearable. It turns into something you can crawl out from under, and carry around — like a brick in your pocket. And you forget it every once in a while, but then you reach in for whatever reason and there it is: “Oh, right. That.” Which can be awful. But not all the time. Sometimes it’s kinda … not that you like it exactly, but it’s what you have instead of your son, so you don’t wanna let go of it either. So you carry it around. And it doesn’t go away, which is …

        Fine … actually.

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  13. I haven’t really commented here, but I do browse your blog sometimes.. along the same time when Tejaswee left to other world, my Pappa left us…though he wasn’t as young as Tejaswee he wasn’t old enough to leave us. It has changed me a lot, cos such incidence changes everyone, come what may.
    Till to date I thought of commenting\mailing you, but I haven’t got the courage to say\type my grief or to console someone’s till now. But today when you mentioned about your dream, yes even I’ve dreamt my Pappa number of times, and he does talk to me, he advises, discusses, emotes – the way he used to and I feel he is just there for me always. Nowadays I love to sleep cos I know I’ll meet my Pappa and I always tell him to come tomorrow and he does. This dream gives immense Peace.

    Me – Kanchan I had heard from other people that they had such dreams but I thought there must be some exaggeration because if such comforting dreams were possible how was it that I never had one…now I know that no matter how one sees a dream like this, no matter what the explanation, this much is true that they do happen. And they do help.

    Have you read ‘Forever Ours’ by Janis Amatuzio?You will love it. – http://www.google.co.in/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=3&ved=0CCEQFjAC&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.foreverours.com%2Fdownloads%2FFOpressRelease1.pdf&rct=j&q=forever%20ours&ei=6lkkTayJFYbqrQeO6oX0DA&usg=AFQjCNG6ibhLN5zKxI9eGIgMAu_RzkJ98Q&sig2=SP-NFiZzqRu9l3_KamamtA&cad=rja

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  14. Tejaswee coming in your dream is a positive sign for you and your family. I can sense some sort of acceptance of what has happened. Perhaps this is the beginning of accepting her passing away as destiny.

    Your starting the scholarship will surely keep her memory alive and you can go ahead in 2011 with grace.

    Me – Thank You Abha… yes, and a dream like this can go along way in healing.

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  15. Dear IHM,

    this is why they say that really loved ones never do depart…they come back to help and guide when we really need them.

    I am so glad this dream happened for you. And I am sure you will gather strength from it and move on…and do all the things that you are meant to do. And also those things that Tejaswee would have wanted you to do. Like enjoying life and whatever it brings your way.

    A great big bear hug to all of you and prayers that you do well in life always. 🙂

    me – Thanks Pinku. I am still in a daze about the dream. It was too precious and means a lot to me… yes it does make this year stronger and more hopeful for us and every little bit helps in moving through our grief. Hugs!

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  16. Hugs IHM.. Im glad you dreamed this lovely dream… and like how some say, the healing process has started…

    super Tight hugs and wishing you loads of strength and peace for the new year.

    Me – Thanks Pixie, yes I think the healing has begun.
    Wish you a Happy New year too Pixie dear.

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  17. Hi IHM,

    Such a heart warming post.

    My Fiance lost his father at 17. He is 26 now. I have often asked him how he dealt with his father’s sudden death and helped his shattered mother. Being the adopted (only) child to aged parents, he was forced to ‘grow up’. It was even more tough for him when he found out about his adoption mere days after his father died. I can only imagine his shock.

    His healing process involved a lot self-talk and understanding. He tells me he did what he could and put into action what he knew at that age to help his father get alright. I cried when he once courageously told me how he used to shave his weak bed-ridden father until his dying day, how he used to silently cry into the pillow when his father used to ask for sweets which were forbidden by the doctors and I can’t put into words what must be going through the mind of a 17 yr old while lighting his father’s pyre.

    He tells me he enjoyed his father’s company. He loved talking to his father despite the huge age difference! He loved the bong his parents shared.
    We are getting married in April.

    Time heals IHM. I can promise you that.

    Me – 17 is very young and my heart goes out to him. He sounds like a very wise and sensible young man. My blessings to you both MK.
    I know how terrible it is to watch someone so dear to us wanting to eat something they can’t. Being able to share one’s grief helps tremendously, I am glad you are there for him. Grief takes time sometimes, and each one of us deals with it differently, I hope you are always able to support him.

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  18. I’ve lost a loved one in the past and had a very similar experience of dreaming about them and saying I loved them. It was one of the most beautiful and peaceful moments I’ve ever had and you telling about your dream has helped me feel that same peace again. Thank you. I wish you only good things.

    me – Shayzani yes it was a most beautiful experience… unbelievably beautiful. And I did feel at peace afterwards. I never dreamt that such a dream would happen to me, now I am immensely grateful for this dream.

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  19. Hugs.. I’m soo happy for you. 🙂 Reading this gave me peace too.
    I truly believe that Teju is an angel, smiling back at you. Hugs.
    Your family will always be in my prayers.

    Me – Thank You Shruti… I also feel grateful for this dream… I felt she was an angel in my dream, the same Tejaswee – just very, very sweet and very gentle and loving…

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  20. Hugs and more hugs to you IHM …
    I am so happy she came to you this way , every small happiness is something to hold on to.

    Me – Yes Sangeeta!! And I see this as something of an unbelievable blessing.

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  21. IHM it so happens that when we think of loved ones who left us,they come in our dreams and tell us to accept the fact that they are not there in person but they are always with us.

    When my father died my sister used to miss him a lot and almost every day he used to come in her dreams telling her that he is outside the house he didnt go any where and once she started accepting that he is outside the house,those dreams stopped coming.

    Hugs IHM

    Me – Saritha thanks for sharing this. I am so amazed by my dream, I want to know about others who have experienced similar dreams and found strength through them. I don’t think I have ever been this much in need of strength in my life and I feel just grateful that I found it like this.

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  22. Hugs, IHM, and God Bless! That dream was so real… so much so, that I too believe! She is holding you just as close, IHM, I know!

    Me – It was amazing! I just feel overwhelmed… thank you for believing that she is holding me close too.

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  23. Read the article twice, and am still grappling with the right words to say.

    I can only wish you a better year ahead, may the beautiful memories live with you forever…

    Me – Thank You Siddhartha. Yes, beautiful memories can be a great source of strength and we can do with every bit of strength…

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  24. well i guess she is looking at you all , all the time , you dreaming of her is i feel very positive..

    dont know what else to say other than God bless and Hope god gives u the strength ..

    take care

    Me – Thanks Bikram. Yes it is very positive…

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  25. awww… good to know that she came in your dream 🙂 that would have made ur heart feel a lil lighter or better, hey na?!

    i can only imagine (or may not even do that fairly) the situation that u r in… but i guess it was His will or may be TJ’s to pave way for an easy-goin 2011 – atleast may be comparatively as this dream will strike a comfort chord now n again…

    sending loads of warm hugs n good wishes to all of you… TC!!!

    Me – Yes dear Sulo, this dream has paved the way for not just this year but the entire future… You too take care and have a happy 2011.

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  26. Dear IHM,

    I am glad you and your family are emerging stronger. I can feel the peace in your mind through this post. I wish from the bottom of my heart that all the days ahead are as peaceful and soothing or even better.

    I cannot remember who said it but can only remember what was said – ”Being Happy doesnt mean everything is perfect. It means you have decided to look beyond imperfections”. Whilst you have faced indeed an irreparable loss, I hope that in time you and your family can heal (whilst never forgetting ofcourse of the love you had for Tejaswee and the good times you had together in the past) and that you all are able to work through your feelings so the future looks brighter.

    Bestest Wishes, lots of love and hugs IHM.

    Always Happy

    Me – Thank You Always Happy… I too believe happiness lies in being able to live with life’s imperfections… I hope this dream helps in that now.

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  27. Big tight hugs IHM… u were in my thoughts the new year eve before I slept… I so thank god that u had that dream a lovely beautiful precious dream

    Me – Thank You Monika. A very Happy New Year to you.

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  28. Hugs IHM. All the hugs you need. And all the ears you need. We are here to listen.

    Glad Teju came in your dream. Maybe its a sign that she is looking over all of you and cares for you all.

    Me – Snippetsnscribbles hugs right back to you too. The blogosphere has been an unimaginable source of strength and guidance!

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  29. Hugs to you IHM… and its so good to know of this dream. All my prayers with your family this new year.

    me – Hugs and Thanks Athira and new year wishes to you too!!

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  30. This post is so moving. My mom died when I was 15, and I had a similar “I’m ok, you’re ok” dream a few weeks or months after her death. It was a very important event for me, perhaps even the first time I believed that life would really go on. Now my research area is grief and loss, and I’m now curious how common this kind of dreaming is. I’ve heard others discuss it, and it seems to be very meaningful for everyone.

    Me – Sara I am very curious about this too. This dream was a dream come true. A friend says I willed it… I would like to know how many other people have had similar dreams, how clear and direct and real were these dreams… and how did the dreams help.

    I particularly like your sister’s statement about how fragile the normalcy is. Even almost 9 years later, I have moments of fragility, when suddenly I’ve lost all concept of how I can even put one foot in front of the other, day after day for decades, in a world without her presence.

    Me – Yes Sara!! I feel exactly this way too. Everything, even living, seems impossible then, and I am hoping this dream will help cope with those terrible lows.

    The feelings don’t change per se, but they attack less frequently and retreat more quickly, sometimes within minutes instead of days or weeks. It also becomes easier to consistently focus on the positive effects of the person’s life without triggering the anger and despair. Thank you for sharing this experience, and all your experiences of grief.

    Me – The hope of it getting better is one of the things that keeps me going Sara, the attacks are less frequent (comparatively) now but the unpredictability frightens me…

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    • About ‘willing it’, I doubt the dream could have been so detailed if it was only stimulated by your desire to ‘see’ or ‘hear from’ Tejaswee. One of the things I’ve read is that in dreams we rarely see our loved ones clearly; they are in the dream but the image is hazy. I’ve found this to be true. The fact that you saw Tejaswee so clearly — her smile, what she was wearing — is very significant.

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    • People who have not experienced this kind of intense loss have no idea what a victory it is to be able to laugh about the person and genuinely feel no pain in the moment. I agree that the unpredictability is terrifying, almost similar to panic attacks (people become afraid of going outside because they’re afraid of having an attack while they’re in public). You never know when a movie is going to take a turn; even TV comedies can kick you in the gut with a serious episode. There’s such a feeling of helplessness with that intensity of grief. It seems like you find a lot of meaning and release in blogging about your daughter and your grief, and I’m glad you feel comfortable letting your grief hang with all the other things that are important to you.

      I’ll keep an eye out for high-quality stuff related to dreams. I’m attending the annual conference for the Association for Death Education and Counseling this June, which is joining up with an international conference this year, so that may be a good place to find out more.

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  31. The answer to this is, when in doubt, just be a good listener and give no unasked for advice.
    So completely agree. People may mean well…but sometimes you wonder if it is so difficult to just plain shut up! 😐 Some sensitivity wouldn’t hurt!

    Hugsss to you all….I know it must be terrible living with triggers, especially the most unexpected ones. ‘If only’ are the saddest words in life…

    Me – I agree, I am terrified of falling on the ‘If only’ path, I know I never want to go that way Ashwathy.

    Dreaming of the person however has a very embalming effect. I’ve dreamt of my grandfather many times after his death. Each time in the dream I see him alive, hale and hearty and it is very soothing. I wake up feeling peaceful that morning….only to later remember he is not actually around any more. I guess it just signifies he is always alive in my heart…. 🙂

    Me – “I guess it just signifies he is always alive in my heart…. ” That’s a lovely thought!!

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  32. Hi IHM,

    This is the first time I am commenting. I believe that it is true that souls try to communicate with their loved ones after passing on. I think that this especially happens to give some kind of a closure and a complete acceptance of their passing on, which not only helps the loved one but in turn sets the souls free. This blog (http://wondersofmeditation.blogspot.com/2007/10/as-i-said-earlier-i-did-listen-to.html) and many others’ experiences made me believe this..
    Have you read R K Narayan’s “The English Teacher”? It is supposed to be autobiographical about how he lived through the unexpected passing on of his wife, and how connecting to her through other realms brought him so much of peace…
    I truly believe that Tejaswee wanted to let you know that its alright to let go. And that is why you actually felt the impact of the dream and that is exactly why you feel so much warmth and love and gratitude for what you saw. Because that was the intention why the dream came to you. That is only way Tejaswee could talk to you, isn’t it? As you have said, the healing has begun.
    Lots of love and hugs to you,
    LS

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    • oh yes – the english teacher has something on these lines… i havent read much books on after life or death as such… but yes, i do remember readin this book and Narayan has made his point rly well… i remem liking it back then…

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    • LS I read and could totally relate to the experience. I would not have understood if I had not had a similar experience myself. Whatever it is, if it makes the grieving person feel better, it is very precious. Yes it was a warm and a very loving dream… This dream is what I try to remember now when a painful memory haunts me.

      I must read ‘The English Teacher’ – I think we have it at home, I remember my daughter mention reading it…but can’t remember what she had said.

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  33. Lots of hugs IHM.. I am so glad you dreamt this dream, and remembered it when you woke up with all its details. Wishing you and your family a happy new year and may this year bring for you lots of happiness (maybe not the same kind of happiness you had thought of earlier, but a different kind), and more importantly peace.

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  34. IHM, I often think of you and how strong you have been in the last few months. She came because she wanted you to heal, she wanted you to be at peace.
    A tight hug to you, take care

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  35. I wish I was like you , in the respect you say you no longer have fears and worries, as mine have magnified tremendously since my daughter’s death. I also think that it was God who gave you this gift, that He knew you needed this . A priceless blessing . Luv and a hug to you.

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  36. Dear IHM,
    I came to your blog by chance, and was saddened to hear of the recent loss in your life. I wrote a small dedication to your daughter in my blog. If you have any problems with it, please let me know.
    You are being very strong and all our prayers are with you and your family. Continue blogging, you have a wonderful writing sense.
    Have a nice 2011 🙂

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  37. IHM, I know how you feel after having your dream. I too once dreamt of a close relative who died – and in that dream everything was normal, like nothing had changed and after having that dream – I never felt that person had died.
    I lost my mum within hours of being born – obviously I have no memory of her. But I do wish I could dream of her, know something about how life could have been. I understand when you say – days of unbearable lows – I feel that even though I have never known ‘the normal’.
    {Hugs}

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  38. Here is wishing your family and you a peaceful 2011, IHM. Hugs to you.

    I hope that the unbelievable dream heralds a peaceful new year to your loved ones and you.

    -Sandhya

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  39. Hugs to you, IHM. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful and precious dream. It shows that Tejaswee is watching you with her ever-radiant smile and wants you to be happy and at peace always. Heres wishing you a year filled with hopes, happiness and positive thoughts.

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  40. Every time I read a post here since she left, I feel heavy and angry. This post made me feel peaceful, so I can only imagine what it must mean to you. I’m so glad that you were able to remember all of it. I’m so glad that you shared it with us.

    And IHM, if there are people who hurt(well meaning or otherwise, doesn’t matter) I think it would be more than your right to say that you don’t want to discuss it any further. Things like these are matters of survival, as you so aptly put it. I lost a 20 year old cousin a few years back and all the well meaning people could say were the “If only” things.

    Hugs, IHM. I was very happy to read that your husband was able to sleep peacefully.

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  41. I am so happy that you dreamt about Tejaswee and that it brought u and ur husband some peace. Thank you God, for that dream.

    I totally agree with you on that line – Death changes you. Especially of a person, who we love so much.

    I had just written about this – about how my dad’s death changed me or the ppl close to him. Its a new perspective to life, which we dread and run away, till faced with it by force. And when we go through it, we feel that life’s not fair. But we learn – to change, to overcome heart-ache, through life’s different teaching techniques. I just sit and stare at my grandmother’s strength, who has now seen both her sons go away to God. Its damn difficult for her, but her will-power makes her see through this difficult phase.

    Its the power of women like you, my grandmother, that we derive the strength for doing regular things. God Bless you strong women !!!

    Hugs IHM, I am glad of that dream to you. 🙂

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  42. I was doing a search on Indian Homemakers today. I came across your blog. I am so sorry for your lose. I don’t know what your religion is but I will remember to keep you in my prayers.

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  43. Hi Ihm, As you have mentioned in one of the comment replies ‘The year has started on a healing note”, I wish you lots of strength and healing in the times to come. You are such an inspiration to all of us.. keep it going.. and the dream is such an indication that Tejaswee wants you to be happy …

    warm regards

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  44. IHM: dreams bring a lot of peace i am told. my friend who lost her 7 year old daughter to a brain tumor, unexpectedly finds solace in her dreams of her sweet daughter. she has had quite a few of them, very similar to the one you had and they give her strength and makes her grief somewhat bearable.
    I admire your tenacity and strength. Here’s wishing you and your family a peaceful 2011.

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  45. am sooooo glad.. NOTHING cld have made me happier ihm.. nothing at all…. but u know that already.. am still crossing mah fingers and … well… Thank God…

    Me – HUGS hdwk.
    I feel so overwhelmed… and so grateful…

    Like

  46. I believe that your love does reach her wherever she is. That’s how I deal with losses I’ve had to live with. The dream sounds like her reaching back to put her parents a little bit at peace.

    I’m glad you posted this.

    love,
    Sue

    Me – Yes I want to believe that too Sue… and this dream makes it possible and much easier to believe this.

    Like

  47. To me your post was an answer …. i wonder often if people who left me want ever to communicate with me … like my naani who would love to see me b a lawyer after nanu …. like my love who i wonder how would he know now that my number is changed n me safe .. gues dreams are the way they connect … its like reliving those moments of life that make days ahead appear blurr in the ecstasy of what is an illusion – the brain knows yet denies. The brilliance lies in acceptance and moving on .. but to be truthful we barely move on .. we just pretend .. and the solace are dreams like these which help us stand there and heal and say its ok for memories often can heal too just as they can choke …. a wonderful smile that brings a smile to your lips still IHM … can there be a better dream which u lived for the last 2 decades and will live I am sure for the rest of your life .. happy B’day to the angel .. the shooting star … she was your wish come true … and wishes never die out .. instead they help us live on. Bear hugs.

    Me – If nothing else deviantwave, now I think of this dream when a sad memory refuses to go. The last I remember of her now is not her time in the ICU but this dream. It makes a tremendous difference. It’s a dream that’s a dream come true.

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  48. For someone so close to the heart, the love never ends; I am sure your daughter will always stay with you forever thru the memories of togetherness you shared. Something like these lines –

    I’ll love you all through life
    I’ll never let us part,
    Because you’ll always have special place
    That special place is in my heart.

    Me – This remains true no matter what I think. My grandmother lost a daughter when she was seven (to small box in 1940s) and although she had eleven other children, she missed this daughter till her last day, she even named the next child she had, (a daughter) in the dead child’s memory.

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  49. Hi IHM,

    Life can at times take unexpected turns. But we indeed have to go on with life, irrespective of the loss. I want to be a listener too.

    I had read about your loss before. But, I couldn’t get myself to comment here since then. I am just learning to deal with a loss too. But of a entirely different kind.

    Holding on the good memories and the smiles, thats what helps. Blocking out the sad parts. I am glad you saw this dream. Its an unexpected turn for you, a gift from your daughter. To help you move ahead.

    God Bless You.

    Love,
    Jyothi

    Like

  50. I few years ago I lost my first cousin suddenly. He was 29 and was admitted to the hospital with a fever and headache. He died after 5 days. Just like that. No warning, no goodbye. I was then in New York. It was my brother who broke the news. I was in shock and denial for the next couple of days.

    We were very close-knit family. I was the big sister he always turned to sharing his world travels, dreams, passions and life at sea. I knew every detail of his life, more than his own sister did. For the next few weeks I simply couldn’t function. It’s harder when tragedy strikes in another part of the globe….harder to connect, share grief. I stayed in bed days at a time only to take sedatives when I became a little alert after sipping coffee. My family was worried and took turn to be with me at all time.

    Then suddenly one early morning I dreamt of him. He was smiling and had this amazing serene look. It’s hard to explain but he showed me what had happened to him and how he was at a better place. It was as if he was comforting me, telling me it’s OK for me to move on with my life. An amazing, very real dream. I woke up totally at peace. My weeks of guilt of not being in touch more often, not being there for him, constantly replaying our times together, remembering all his unfulfilled dreams, just stopped. It was my cousin who assured me of his well being and urged me to move on. And just like that I did, the next day.

    I think our loved ones are always connected. It’s our bodies that die, souls live on. May you too find find solace and peace in the memory of your beloved daughter and in one another. Take care.

    Like

    • I thought of sharing the link below to perhaps help you connect with another grieving parent. He lost his daughter, 24 years-old, on December 28, 2010 of carbon monoxide poisoning (still under investigation). But what’s so amazing is, to quote him, “Amidst the terrifying grief, some light began to shine through as we marveled at the ways her life had touched so many people, and dreamed of how we might best honor her memory”.
      http://tedchris.posterous.com/my-dazzling-zoe-snapshots-of-a-life-cut-short

      I hope you and your family too will find the strength to honor your daughter in her smile, love and all the positive energies she shared in this world. Take care.

      Me – Thank You for sharing.

      Like

  51. Hello there!! I read your old blog today and then hopped on here!! Time (they say).. is the greatest healer.. All I can say.. is when I say my prayers everyday.. I will think of you.. and pray that God gives you the strength to let go… to beleive… to hope… and to live as though 2010 never happened.. Lots of love coming your way.. and a big hug!

    Like

  52. i had a dream like that of someone whom i loved v. dearly and when i think about him still do. He died young and after he came in my dreams and had our talk, i let him go because he was at peace where he was. though i do not like the “fact”, because he was at peace i was at peace too. and the dream helped very much.

    Like

  53. A day after reading this post I dreamt about my grandma who passed away a month back , exactly the way you described. I was holding on to her and my grandma had her hands over my cheek like she always did. I told her something , I dont remember it now and she just held me close….when I got up the next day I felt a bit sad and a bit happy…I live that moment even now……it probably is the effect of reading your post, and I thank you for that, my grandma was everything to me, it is hard to deal with this loss….but I somehow want to believe that she came in my dreams on her own….I know though it is because of the deep impact your post had on my mind and heart.

    Take care IHM and thanks again.

    Like

  54. Hi IHM,

    Coming to the Blogosphere after a really long time. Read your posts today. Sorry about your loss. My prayers with u. It always will be even if I don’t mention it.

    Like

  55. Hi IHM,

    There is a saying that, when you really want something, the whole universe conspires in helping you achieve it. I guess that’s what has happened..you sent out signals to the universe with the deep desire to meet and connect with your daughter and your wish was fulfilled..don’t be surprised if you happen to meet her again in your dreams:)god bless.
    I genuinely believe, we get what we genuinely want in some form or the other, as long as we are receptive and open to receiving the blessings from the universe.

    Like

  56. No posts from you for over a week.
    Hope all is well.
    I feel blogging regularly should help you to come to terms with the situation.
    Do resume, if you feel equal to it
    Regards
    G Vishwanath

    Like

  57. Was thinking the same thing as Pam. The Universe is definitely conspiring to help you. And I pray that you get what you need in the doses you need whenever you need.

    As someone just reading the comments, it was weird to see how someone saying ‘you will be okay’ or equivalent felt unfair (to me! does not even make sense!) while fervently wanting for your being as okay as possible for you! You have both touched many lives very personally.

    Wish the best 2011 for you with lots of healing, peace and calm!

    Like

  58. IHM, thanks so much for visiting and ‘saying hello’ with a comment.
    I have read, with great sadness, of your devastating experience and my heart goes out to you.
    Sharing your story will help others, I’m sure, and sharing your emotions and thoughts with others will surely help you.
    What a sweet dream of your beautiful daughter. I’m so glad it helped to bring a modicum of peace of mind to you and your husband. I pray that peace will grow as time soothes the wound, as only time can.
    I will also pray for strength for your family.

    Like

  59. I knew you would connect with her! Souls who have cared for us continue to do so after they leave their bodies. She can see you and feel your presence. It is us, the human beings who have to be in the receptive state to connect. My grandfather, who cared and looked after me and my sister for an extended time when my mother was ill, visited me twice in my dreams in three and a half decades, and both times something was troubling me and he had a message. I was greatly assured by his presence. One time in his presence I found myself acting a certain role and things did happen that way.
    We know so little about the ‘other’ life. It is the fear of stepping into an unknown realm that keeps us away. I know it keeps me away. But I gather that if you open your mind you can see them communicating with you in many many ways, especially when we are rested, during sleep or soon after a long period of rest…

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    • I agree, there is so little we know… if it helps to believe that death is not a final end and the soul does live on, then why not try to believe it? This precious dream has become a source of strength for me.

      Like

  60. Read this post with a heavy heart. As you said, it is something unimaginable. And like your sister said, it is so difficult to support a person who has undergone a tragedy, one is not sure of what to say. Thank you for this post, and for sharing your innermost thoughts. I think of you as a survivor.
    I think you had what is technically called a lucid dream, where one is conscious of the reality.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucid_dream
    In these kinds of dream, one’s conscious mind has some control over the dream and can influence its outcome.

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  61. Pingback: Of Calvin, a dream, an old song, and a birthday… « The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

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  63. I happened to visit your blog for the first time yesterday..
    I have been reading your posts and the posts from tejaswee’s blog since then.. I know that no one can understand or feel the grief as much as you and your family do.. I just wanted to tell that reading your posts and your daughter’s has touched me and it will remain in some part of my memory always. I’m sure many here will share a similar feeling…

    Tejaswee will continue to live in the memories of numerous people who have known her personally and otherwise.. Hope that her souls rests in peace and god gives you the strength and courage to cope with the loss.

    From her post I realized that she loved your laughter and the sound of it. No matter where she is I’m sure she would want to hear that always..

    *Lots of hugs*

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  64. I read about your dream a few days back and it’s been on my mind since then. I’m so glad you had this lovely dream. I do believe that our loved ones are always with us, even when they no longer inhabit the physical world. And I also believe in signs — these are things one can choose to believe or ignore — but I really feel that your dream and the poem you found are signs of Tejaswee’s love for you and her presence by your side. Hugs.

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  65. Pingback: Do dreams have meanings? « The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  66. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. My wife really appreciated your gesture. God is just as cruel to you as He was to us. I just don’t have enough words to pour out. It is not just the special days like birthdays, new year etc that are to be cherished/dreaded. Every day is indeed.

    Regards
    Vatsan

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  67. A distant relative lost their only son of 25 in July 2010 because of Dengue. They took him everywhere from North to South India. They tried, but fate had it otherwise.

    All we can do is pray for the soul and thank God for the beautiful years that He gives.

    May TJ keep smiling wherever she is…

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  68. Pingback: When we surprise ourselves. | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  69. Apologies that I haven’t read your earlier posts, I was googling for good worth-reading blogs and I stumbled upon your daughter’s blog which lead me here.
    This post made me cry and many of your other parent-insight posts made me realize a lot of things. I am 17 year old and going-to-be 18 kid but I kind of feel my parents’ worth just grew a lot in my sight and I kind of appreciate them even more now.
    Your daughter’s posts have been much of my readings and now you, may god rest her soul in peace.
    Take care, ma’am.
    Regards.

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  70. Pingback: In our hearts forever. | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

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