Setting goals, making plans, making some bits of life predictable.

Anniversary reactions can be traumatic. The added stress of feeling unwell can make grief tougher to deal with. Exercise is known to help fight stress, but only if one wants to fight stress.

Yesterday morning I had another positive conversation with a dear blogging friend. She warned it’s easy to sink into self pity, and reminded me how unhelpful and useless that could be.Β Sometimes we just need gentle reminders and I am sure this is how Support Groups work. She insisted she is not ‘helping’ and the support is mutual.

What happens to those who do not find such connection and support? I wish we had Support Groups in India, or we can begin to create one. Please do get in touch if you know somebody who needs support in coping with grief.

The conversation was like counseling and by end of it I reminded myself that (Quoting Starry) “There are many choices in the journey of recovery from loss.


1. I found this picture of a Rangoli my daughter made two years ago. I tried to feel grateful for the beautiful memories we created and the precious time we spent together…

2. My sister had told me about this very motivating site. Answer some questions related to your lifestyle, eating habits and medical history and know your ‘Real Age’, and pick a plan suited to you. Yesterday, finally, I took out my Sketchers and walked to this video – most suitable for someone who hasn’t been active for a while.

It’s the workout you won’t quit. In fact, walking has the highest stick-to-it rate of any exercise.

Click to try if you have been wishing to start exercising.

3. I gave up sugar in tea sometime back but yesterday, inspired by this site, I bought Green Tea, deciding to move from caffeine to anti oxidants.

I also switched to fruit and yogurt for breakfast.

4. I have been living one day at a time, unsure what each morning brings (self pity, more pain, hope, positive thoughts…). Now, with the plan below, with a goal set for Jan 8th 2011, a small part of each day will stay positive and predictable.

Give us 2 months, and we’ll add years to your life and life to your years. Do two little things each week, and step by step, week by week, you’ll look and feel younger, stronger, and more vibrant. Click on Week 1 below to get started.

Take a look.


32 thoughts on “Setting goals, making plans, making some bits of life predictable.

  1. Hugs. You’re doing the right thing here. It’s so heartwarming to see how open you are to listening to friends and family who genuinely mean well for you (not the ones who dish out unfeeling advice to get over it)

    Agree that walking is something easy to stick to, after all my disasters with gymming and swimming!!! Thanks for the reminder…I’ve not been exercising, involved in my family’s crises, so easy to neglect ourselves. 😦

    But I feel some moderate amount of solid healthy carbohydrate in the morning helps one not to get hunger pangs 2 hours later that could lead to bingeing. True for me anyway. Yoghurt is good protein. It’s better to cut out the carbs at dinner time. Just my opinion πŸ™‚

    This site sounds awesome and so helpful…off to explore it. Tks for sharing!! You might also want to also try the gratitude challenge sometime…here’s Sangi’s post on it


  2. Hugs !!
    And i am so happy you are doing so many things ( yes believe me these are too many ) to move towards the positive healing. I am learning so much from you and your blogger friends here.

    Sharing our experiences and how we cope up is such an enlightening thing. I am in the middle of this post of ‘ starsinmyeyes ‘ and i can understand each n every single thing.


    • You have been a blessing and a support Sangeeta. I also feel the same advice given by somebody else could have sounded harsh but it was the way you said it and the fact that you know know what you are talking about, that helped.


  3. Dear IHM, keep going, you are a marvel. I have recently returned to India, after 10 years of expat living, and I am going through extreme fear while walking or crossing the roads, traffic is mad out here. I am here for 2 weeks now, and I am still not able to go out all by myself, me who has spent last 2 years absolutely alone in a faraway country and did everything on my own.Thinks were not so chaotic when I left my country. I am constantly feeling that so many road accidents could be stopped, had there been 2-5 minutes campaign on television, FM and small pieces in the newspapers everyday to modulate people’s thinking and senses. I am not able to tell this to anyone here, because no body seem to care about the danger of violating the road safety rules. Outreach campaign is so much necessary for so many reasons, and India on its way to modernization is lacking this armaments still.


  4. May your journey be smooth and motivating to others.

    About the support groups, you can contact the Al Anons in Delhi they can help spread the word. Another idea could be to sign up with hospice in your local hospital to post flyers and pick a non denominational space to meet. I am not sure if Sanjeevani Hospital has hospice. We tried something like support group with families of Cancer patients when we were at AIIMS.
    Posting free ads in the classified will also bring few people who are actually looking for support.

    Desi Girl


  5. Am a big fan of Dr. Oz and have two of his books. Small changes make the difference. And exercise makes you happy, scientifically proven because of the release of endorphins. I like walking, yoga and swimming, all of which have some meditation aspects. Fresh air can’t hurt, huh? This post on exercise is one I liked recently –

    Don’t know if you have read the Louise Hay books – the one I like the most is called You can Heal your Life and the two workshops I went to afterward have really helped me a lot. There were people there who went through great grief and other tough situations and it seemed to help them. Apparently, the Landmark Forum is also a good option. I have no personal experience of that, though. It seems like there’s got to be a spiritual aspect to it all.

    Lovely rangoli. She is missed.


  6. Hi IHM!
    Inspiring post. Relatively new to your blog. Started reading blogs
    recently and got ur link from someone’s blog roll. In the same way, I happened to read the blog of childwoman ( and felt extremely sad at her loss too. She has lost her mother this year, and was pained to read abt her loneliness (no sympathy but yes empathy, for sure). And the first thing that came to my mind was that u might be the right person to help her. She has lost her mother, and you your daughter. I don’t know if she needs healing or no, but I felt so for her. It might be possible that u already know her, as you two have been blogging for long. Still, thought of mentioning it here, just in case. Really want you both to be happy again. Lots of prayers for all.


  7. The rangoli’s colour combination is beautiful. Is that statue, a devi’s? Beautiful imagination by Tejaswee!

    When you have such dear friends, you need not worry about anything, IHM. Take care.


  8. IHM you are amazing! You can be a great motivation for many people. God bless you and give you strength to help people who need to be as positive as you are in adverse conditions. I am really proud to know you.


  9. More strength to you, IHM! I am sure you will much more stronger in a few days….

    True that Sangeeta is a real blessing and her strength/courage is so admirable. Thanks to you for introducing her…

    The rangoli looks so bright. How did she manage to make those perfect lines using rice powder? I can see those were drawn on the ends of tiles, even then drawing such lines is a tough task for me :).


  10. In India we do not have culture of support group .
    thanks for the link to walking video, just watching it
    and i will recommend it if got time must see

    Me – sm our blogosphere has become a support group! The video you made ( ) is watched every morning by my mother, she begins her day with that video, and the only time I hummed it was the song you played in that video… you are a part of that amazing support group. Thanks. Hugs. Now that I know how much it matters – I hope I will be there for anybody who needs such support.


  11. IHM, caught up on your blog after a few weeks. Stay positive! Trying to workout and be healthy is a great goal to have. It makes one feel good and it is one of the few things one can do just for oneself – no obligations, no favors, nothing. Good luck!


  12. the rangoli photo is lovely.. Thanks IHM, for the site.. i can see tht your experience of coping with grief is going to be a lesson and support to many.. just reading your recent posts is so humbling, you never know, it may already be working as an excellent online support grp of sorts. you are often in my thoughts and i hope each day will give you new reasons to be positive..


  13. Yes indeed blogosphere has become a supprot group of sorts we meet so many people who out of the goodness of there heart listen to us and help us out indeed so true…

    But i must say support group is required, year back I use to run a support group for our indian friends who came over to uk illegaly and facing hardhsips and had other domestic problems, IT HELPS and helps a lot , I have made some very good friends here who when they see me make sure to talk to me and hug me .. and It feels so nice to be with them to see the smile in there EYES … I was thinking of starting it again as they keep asking but due to some personal problems earlier in the year and a few things going on now in the recent weeks , I have sort of lost some confidence ..anyway

    Yeah memories are what we are left with, my dad passed away i had so much to say to him, my best friend passed away a few years back and there are so many memories i have had with him, the first bike ride, the first time teasing a girl, the first time got into a fight et etc now they make me smile and touch me just so as i can be a better person ..

    and as others have said YOU as a person can be such a motivator.. I am glad i come to ur blog and read all articles makes me wanna do something again, so thanks

    and god bless Take care of yourself



  14. Yes walking, being outside will help. The comment from your friend , about self-pity not being helpful. I disagree , not in that self-pity is not helpful for any reason…but that she thinks there has been ample TIME to grieve. That self-pity ( or what people on the outside refer to ) is a way we grieve, we may become more introverted and hold our loss . We have lost something irreplaceable,our daughters, tragically. Our entire world is so fast-paced, that what I heard even a month after my daughter’s death..” Are you doing better ? ” ,’ Things will be better soon. “, ” constant barrage of people wanting me to be better , FAST. I had this daughter for 21 years, almost 22…and I will not rush my greif , or keep burying my pain and not showing it to make everyone more comfortable. Not that I am out wailing or anything in public…but I am not how I have always been. I cannot be jovial and cheerful at present. Life is not the same, and there is added pressure in the USA to be happy during the holidays ( Thanksgiving/Christmas ) . You and I are suffering , and if someone perceives that as self-pity after ‘ too long ‘, and that ‘ too-long ‘ seems to be about two months in our modern cultures. Ridiculous. God did not give us this strong maternal love and expect us to stop all the grieving in 2-4 months. I do understand about how self=pity can make you unaware of the blessings we still have on this earth…but I am hoping that those present blessings ( family, home, friends, etc. ), will come into clearer focus with TIME.
    Sorry, I have gone on and on. Keep walking, try to get some sunshine everyday. take care , be gentle with your heart, Gina


    • I understand Gina, the reason why I understood what she meant is because the friend who spoke of self pity is fighting against it herself ( ), she lost her daughter too, read about her here – .
      I am reading this book called ‘Beyond Tears’ where nine bereaved others share their experiences – and I am not able to read the book without having to control an urge to add my own notes to their experiences, most of the time I find myself nodding in agreement, sometimes I realise that we all grieve differently. Like music makes me cry – but ‘bhajans’ (prayers, spiritual songs) – something I never heard before are comforting, even soothing… but there are some who might find music comforting.


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