Some days have been so bad that it was impossible to do or feel anything but pain. Nothing mattered. A friend said maybe I was in shock earlier and she suggested I don’t avoid this pain. This is what I don’t understand – am I avoiding the pain? How does one avoid the pain? I don’t think I have any control over this. I don’t cry much but the possibility of any more pain is very frightening. I have read that ‘there is no normal way to grieve‘, but still it worries me to read, (in ‘SOME THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW WHEN YOUR CHILD HAS DIED‘)
• Grief Waits. If you put it away and try to ignore it, it will simply wait until you have no choice but to experience it.
• We grieve as intensely as we love.
• You will never be the same person you were before your loss.
I can agree with this… but it will be a while before the changing will stop. Till then there is some confusion, we have kept some decisions on hold for six months to a year, because I am not sure how I feel.
One of the friends who visited me said I was handling it much better than another mother she knew. This mutual acquaintance had lost her only son in an air crash, he was training to be a pilot. I had met them years ago when we used to take our kids to the same park every evening and I remember a good looking, smart and sensitive 8 year old. I remember the proud mother, even then she was very close to the son. The friend said she had seen how ‘badly’ the mother “handled it from day one“. Friends advised her to ‘get over it’ and to ‘move on‘ … Now I wish I could meet this mother (and I will, she lives in the NCR).
I wish we had more awareness about Grief Counseling and we understood the difference between Grief, Complicated Grief and Depression and how to help with each. Here’s something I agree with,
I wish more of us understood that :-
I have read (and experienced) that the grief of child loss feels like drowning – you go down and you come up gasping for air and then you sink again, but slowly you can hope to have longer moments to breath.
But it is difficult to find someone who would listen, so sharing with The Compassionate Friends helps. Here when we share our story, we feel better and we let another parent know that ‘The grief journey is long, but they need not walk alone.‘
Abhilasha sent me this,
“Read about grief and shock. Learning about the symptoms that others have experienced helps you know you are normal and not going crazy when your grief is so deep and your pain so intense that you can hardly see two feet in front of you because of the fog of agony that surrounds you.“
A friend said Buddhism believes that Death should be talked about as a fact of life – because this is the only thing in this world that is certain. It helps if we accept the ‘Eternal Law’ that everybody who is born is going to die. I wanted to hear more about this and she requested Anand (from SGI, Soka Gokkai International) to meet us. Anand visited us and discussed how each one of us has a reservoir of strength within us – how each one of us is capable of finding this strength and wisdom within us. About how it is not possible to control what life gives us – but we can control how we react to it. We do have the choice to be elevated and strengthened, or to be broken by our biggest loss.
And yet there are days when I don’t care if I am broken and life seems meaningless. Nothing matters. After reading experiences of others who have been through the same pain on The Compassionate Friends – I realised it’s normal to feel this way. In fact Darcie D. Sims said ‘Grief is the price we pay for love.’
Even during the worst moments browsing through links (Thanks for sending those…) that support parents who are grieving helps immensely. One reads about other parents who feel the pain one is feeling. Nobody else can understand the pain and nothing else helps as much.
A 19 year old girl Jyoti died of Dengue on 11th Sept, in Artemis, Gurgaon. (Hindustan Times, Gurgaon edition, page 4). No other details were provided and calling the hospital didn’t help. I wanted to meet the parents.
We have initiated the registering of a ‘Tejaswee Rao Memorial Trust’. Will keep you updated.
I have ordered ‘The year of magical thinking‘ through Flipcart.