It’s child abuse, not an ‘affair’.

If a 13 or 14 year old child has sex with a man in his early twenties would you call that having an ‘affair’? Or is it child abuse? (Legally this would be rape.)

If the man is related and is free to walk into and stay in her house, and if he tells her he loves her (but can’t marry her, can meet her in lonely parks, can beat her  and claims to have photos of her to blackmail her with) and if she believes she loves him too – would this be ‘love’?

If she has seen her mother and almost every other woman being brutalized by their spouses, is it not natural that she sees this abuse and violence as a normal part of a man-woman relationship or…‘being in love’?

If this married man, then tells her if she does not run away with him he would show her photos to her family, would you say her fear is a result of western culture and too much freedom for youth?

Or a result of criminal neglect by an irresponsible society?

Can the society be excused if a young person dare not tell anyone the first time she felt an adult’s behaviour or touch was inappropriate?

We do not believe in guiding innocent children about such ‘dirty’ things. We don’t care how they learn. We prefer it if they don’t. We believe good girls and boys have curiosity about only what we approve. (Click to read)

Would you say such a victim has brought shame on everybody and herself?

Can she really be blamed? She probably learnt whatever she needed to know about relationships through her surroundings, movies, cheap books and this man.

The rapist/abuser might threaten to ‘leave’ the female relative he is married to, if he is challenged. And that is a serious threat.

He gets to call the shots.

Knowing how our society sees ‘getting and saving a marriage at all costs’ as a woman’s goal in life, the female relative might worry about her own future.

I wonder if there isn’t something very basically wrong with a society that works so hard towards empowering the abuser so blatantly.

Related posts –
1. Sex Education has nothing to do with Blue Films.
2. How are we protecting our children.

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94 thoughts on “It’s child abuse, not an ‘affair’.

  1. IHM

    Somewhere in the comments of your last post, you wrote that you’ll later update us on the status of the daughter of ur maid.

    Is there any relation between this post and previous one?????

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    • I only know what happened in her case from what my maid told me and I have no idea if they will take it any further. To protect their privacy, I linked part of what she told me about that girl and what I read in this news… basically she is safe now, but she has been a victim of child abuse…

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      • This is terrible news indeed!

        I live in the US, and here also parents live in constant fear of sexual predators. However, the laws against such predators are so strong that they act as really effective deterrents. However, as you said, it is the duty of the parents to protect children, and if any one of the parents is failing to do so, then the remaining parent/child should seek external support. A very realistic movie about this subject is ‘Precious’

        me – I will definitely watch the movie tilo583.

        And here we have laws to protect children, but because of the society’s attitude towards such crimes, (blaming the victim and making her feel there is no life beyond ‘such a dishonor’) and terrible conviction rate… all this empowers the abuser. Like this fellow, and the one in the news, both were aware that they won’t be touched.

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  2. Hi – isn’t it interesting how euphemistic language is used to render the unacceptable acceptable? Language is such a powerful tool…x

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    • Yes Deborah it is! Sometimes it exposes deep rooted biases – just one word does that!! Like a lot of us feel ‘honor killing’ should be simply called a ‘murder’, because that’s exactly what it is.

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  3. To answer your first question literally, my opinion on this is a bit off the beaten track. I don’t believe there’s anything inherently wrong with a love affair between a 13-14 year old girl and a much older man. That it’s legally wrong is different. We all know that there’s not a direct correlation between what is legal and what is moral.

    Abusive relationships are wrong in general, irrespective of the age of the participants. I believe a girl/woman is qualified to have a sexual affair proper as soon as she’s sexually mature.

    Me – Bhagwad there is a stronger risk of being persuaded or threatened when she is that much younger than the man. There is almost no chance that she has met anybody else, and there is a chance that the man is in a position of authority or atleast being older – more aware for what he was doing. The girl may not realise what’s happening at first, and then (like in this case) she can be easily blackmailed with threats of being exposed.
    The younger partner has no way to know if this is what they really want, and in India there’s almost no looking back. So how does one protect the victims? We do need laws to make sure exploitation does not happen.

    It’s like we might say a child decided they did not want to study, or wanted to work as domestic helper at thirteen …only light work, and the employer makes sure they are provided education… would that justify child labour?

    If a boy and a girl are same age chances of being abused are much reduced, since both are equally ‘mature’, but our society looks at those cases with more horror.

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    • Agreed. But let’s assume that the man isn’t in a position of authority and/or doesn’t abuse that position. After all, not all men are jerks…

      Would you still object?

      Incidentally, we always view these relations as a young girl and older man. Is it also abusive when it’s a young boy and an older woman?

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      • Bhagwad who should decide if the man is a jerk or not? The victim in the case I decide is being beaten and blackmailed and still believes herself in love. So emotional maturity is essential before anybody is in a relationship with an older man. But that’s not enough , all young people, boys and girls, should be equipped with enough information, knowledge of support and maturity to know what they want before a relationship, particularly when the partner is older.

        I feel the same rules apply in all cases – even if the man is the younger partner. In any relationship , both the partners have to have safety from coercion or abuse – emotional abuse too.

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        • I’m not denying you have a valid concern regarding the safety of the youngster. Which is why parents are there to ensure that nothing untoward happens. I’m not against greater monitoring of such relationships. I’m against them being discriminated against in the first place.

          After all, we were all ragged in college. Our parents knew the risk (some even die because of it). The solution is to have better monitoring – not stopping going to college.

          Similarly, there’s a risk of dying when the youngster goes on a cycle to school. Once again we regulate the activity instead of banning it completely.

          We can’t ban every dangerous activity. There are too many of them. And sheltering young people deprives them of skills they will need when the stakes are real.

          A relationship with an older person would only lead to abuse under special circumstances – since only a few men are jerks (unless you have an opinion otherwise 🙂 ) . The real risk is that the youngster would have their heart broken – which is a part of life and harldly something to protect against.

          You’re also right when you say that the youngster won’t know what they’re getting into. I’m saying they don’t have to. We learn from making mistakes and the parents should keep a look out and have open communication to ensure that abuse isn’t taking place…

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      • If you’re talking about a relationship in which there is no abuse (emotional, mental, physical, sexual) inflicted on the younger partner by the older one, even then, if the older partner is mature and wants an ‘honest’ relationship, he/she would (in my opinion) wait till the younger one is more mature and more aware of what he/she is getting into.
        Have you seen the movie ‘The Time Travelers Wife’? The man meets his future wife much when she is much younger (in the past). He is 30 something, she’s 18 and he kisses her (for her it’s the 1st time.) Then later in the movie, they have this discussion.

        Wife: “You came to that meadow…
        …and you forced yourself into the heart
        and the mind of a little girl.
        What, you think that I wanted this life…

        Husband:- “You have a choice.”
        Wife:- “I never had a choice.”

        Now, of course that is a movie, and the setting is a little extreme. But I felt that when the wife said “I never had a choice.” it was a very poignant statement.

        In the case that IHM has talked about, it’s stated that the man used to beat the girl. Now, when there is violence and black mail involved, I don’t think it’s normal or natural at all. Not at all.

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      • > But let’s assume that the man isn’t in a position of authority and/or doesn’t abuse that position.

        This is BY DEFINITION impossible when the man (or woman) is much older than the child s/he is having sex with.

        See, I think any sexual relationship between extreme unequals is rape. If you are a WASP from a Boston Brahmin family, and you’re having sex with a Jarawa person (Andamanese tribe which has never had contact with people outside their tribe), that’s rape even if both of you somehow manage to convey consent to the other party. If you are a multibillionaire and you’re having sex with a beggar, that’s rape even if both of you consent. If you’re 35 and you’re f****** a 10-year-old, that’s rape even if both of you give “consent”.

        It’s in some ways a radical view; I am prepared to defend it. Much of my reasoning has to do with the way sex functions in our society. If we lived in the perfect world, where sex was just sex and nothing more, where the whole weight of society and the media and schools and governments and the capitalistic marketplace were not distorting the act of sex with their own agenda – then maybe I’d agree with you. (Even then I would never agree that sex with a child can be anything but harmful – read this horrifying account of a mom whose 2-year-old daughter was abused, and you’ll see what I mean: http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/related/c10jk/iama_mother_to_a_daughter_who_was_sexually_abused/ )

        But we don’t live in a perfect world. So any sexual relationship between extreme unequals is rape.

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        • Nothing wrong with have a radical view per se. But if you want to attack sex between unequals, you should coin a new word for it and not use “rape” since that word is pretty well understood by everyone to mean something very specific.

          I also agree with much of your second para, but I get lost at the conclusion:

          “So any sexual relationship between extreme unequals is rape” . I don’t see how that conclusion follows from what you just said.

          I should point out that the link refers to an abused two year old, which is a strawman argument since I don’t believe anyone tried to defend it…

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    • Sorry – didn’t know you had typed more…

      You have a point about the youngster not being in a position to make long term decisions. Buy why is sex a long term decision? It doesn’t harm anyone and produces no side effects. It’s like having your first drink (well, sort of – but you get the idea!)

      I agree with your second point that there should be a way of looking back. But if we take away that obstacle and provide a system where one can extricate oneself, would you then be ok with a 13-14 year old girl having an affair with a much older man?

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      • Bhagwad I would always suspect that the child was not given a chance to know what she (or even a he) wanted if the other partner is much older. I was fine with Juno, where both the partners were young kids.

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      • You’ve asked why sex is a long term decision. For the older partner, it may not be a first experience. But for the younger one, it could be. Like a first kiss.
        It isn’t long term, but it does make the younger person emotionally vulnerable.
        Now, if the older partner chooses to abuse this vulnerability, then it could have very serious, if not traumatic repercussions for the younger one.
        Specially in a society where sex is taboo and there is almost no open education about the subject, a young person (say 14 to 15 years old) may get pregnant (if it’s a girl) and be killed (honour killing) or live forever with the ‘shame’ of having borne a child out of wedlock. It could effect future relationships quite seriously, something which would not happen with the older partner.
        If the younger partner is a boy, have you seen The Reader?

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        • Your concerns are valid. I agree completely that in the Indian context, the stakes are ridiculously high – with honor killings and the taboo. So I’m not questioning your conclusions.

          But my thrust is specific to a certain point – shorn of other considerations. I’ve seen both the “Reader” and the “Time traveler’s wife” – and yes, influencing a girl who was barely 10 (that’s when he first met her) was like not giving her a choice at all. I’m restricting myself however to only the stage after puberty has taken hold.

          Speaking for myself, I don’t think a kiss or even sex for that matter has long term consequences – as long as there’s no fanfare. Most of the issues arise because our society makes such a big deal out of it. Take away the intense restrictions and shame, and sex becomes just another function – a new experience. Nothing to keep too special an eye out for.

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    • @Jal Park
      What has age of consent got to do with consensual sex?? Great Question.

      Legal cuplability of the act and psychological impact on the minor.

      http://www.sonoma.edu/users/p/pollack/edu420/ABAadolescence.pdf

      Hallfors, Denise D., et al. “Which Comes First in Adolescents – Sex and Drugs or Depression?” American Journal of Preventive Medicine. 29, 3 (2005): 163-170.

      Girls who have early sexual intercourse suffer from depression, low self esteem, psychological morbidity and poor academic performance. Partly could be attributed to societal attitudes about women’s role in sex but greatly impacted by co morbid hormonal changes. No such impacts are reported for teen boys who have sexual intercourse.

      Me – I think the reason for this depression has to be our social attitudes. Everywhere, girls are made to think of sex as a dirty thing, and virginity as a virtue… boys do not face any stigma.

      About personal authority:

      Any grown up with a minor even if they are not related is always in a position of power by virtue of seniority of age there by reflecting more experience of being on the earth and in more cognizance of consequences of the act/action.

      Yes, older women do exploit younger boys. Most boys report their first experience of sexual intercourse with some chachi, mami or bhabhi in the neighborhood or at home. Radha was Krishna’s mami and they were in a full fledged relationship quote unquote. This is totally a different story that band vagons have cameoflaged it as divine love, that it was not. Yes, it is child sexual abuse.

      More men abuse more male children and that often is unreported or underreported. That is also child sexual abuse.

      Consent: can only be deemed consent if it is between the equals or almost equals as is in the commercial contracts (corporate has more say as against the individual employee who has greater stakes due to livelihood). In the matter of a minor consenting sex with a grown-up/adult never arises due to legal cuplability of the act. as minor cannot comprehend the consequences long term of the act- pregrnacy, STDs, psychological morbity and so on.

      @InConvicible

      Age of maturity is not calculated by age of menarche. Age of maturity is dependent on brain development (see the reference above). Often age of merache precedes age of psychological maturity due to hormonal changes that can be attributed to exogens (hormons like estrogen and phthalates present in the enviornment often ingested through plastics, pesticides in agri products, growth hormones in milk, airfreshners, perfumes etc.). The age of merache (on set of menstruation) is lowering at a straggering pace and is a concern for both parents and educators because none knows how to even start working on explaining facts of life to such young girls.

      http://www3.interscience.wiley.com/journal/119199374/abstract?CRETRY=1&SRETRY=0

      http://www.ispub.com/journal/the_internet_journal_of_biological_anthropology/volume_3_number_2_59/article/a-study-of-age-at-menarche-the-secular-trend-and-factors-associated-with-it.html#h2-1

      https://shop.elsevier.com/authored_subject_sections/S05/S05_357/top/devrev.pdf

      Freedom comes with responsibility not blames. To teach a kid what responsibilities comes with any freedom accorded is the job of a parents. Often times parents find it easier to curtail freedoms to daughters than sit and explain the facts of life. It is easier to lock up girl children and save them from prospective sexual abuse than challenging one’s own biases and explaining the facts because parents themselves are embarrassed of naming the gentials. It is difficult to say I do not know. Even more so to say I too want to learn and be educated.

      @Nandini

      Good job @ doing the discourse analysis of an individual response.

      Peace,

      Desi Girl

      Me – Desi Girl – I have not heard about Radha being Krishna’s Maami – where did you get this information from? Any links…?

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      • IHM Please add these two references to my previous response

        Spataro, Josie and Paul E. Mullen,Impact of child sexual abuse on mental health, The British Journal of Psychiatry (2004) 184: 416-421

        Both male and female victims of abuse had significantly higher rates of psychiatric treatment during the study period than general population controls (12.4% v. 3.6%). Rates were higher for childhood mental disorders, personality disorders, anxiety disorders and major affective disorders, but not for schizophrenia. Male victims were significantly more likely to have had treatment than females (22.8% v.10.2%).

        Conclusions: This prospective study demonstrates an association between child sexual abuse validated at the time and a subsequent increase in rates of childhood and adult mental disorders.

        Molnar, B.E., S.L. Buka and R.C. Kessler, Child sexual abuse and subsequent psychopathology: results from the National Comorbidity Survey, American Journal of Public Health, (2001) 91(5)753-760.

        Significant associations were found between CSA and subsequent onset of 14 mood, anxiety, and substance use disorders among women and 5 among men. Child sexual abuse is associated with substantial increased risk of subsequent psychopathology.

        The male child sexual abuse by males is more detrimental, leading to negative self image and perception, eating disorders, anger issues, suicide along with psyco morbidity.

        Peace,

        DG

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      • IHM,

        How come you do not know this one 🙂 🙂

        We grew up with these tales. Here enjoy this one

        http://books.google.ca/books?id=B0j0hRgWsg8C&pg=PA66&lpg=PA66&dq=Radha+was+krishna's+aunt&source=bl&ots=R5p8l2JVQd&sig=GS-Vnxbsyos9GUni8YobonGqp2g&hl=en&ei=rGUpTI-3K5CknQftjtl5&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CBMQ6AEwADgU#v=onepage&q=Radha%20was%20krishna's%20aunt&f=false

        So it not all vedanta and hare krishana guys are saying with bands. The sexually explicit poetry of Riti Kaal was heavily criticized and almost banned during late 1800s and early 1900s as the nationalists were busy cleaning up the national image by adopting victorian standards of morality and sexuality.

        Refer: SEXUALITY, OBSCENITY, COMMUNITY: Women, Muslims, And The Hindu Public In Colonial India by Charu Gupta.

        With Reference to your remark on adolescent sexual experience and depression:

        I wrote “Partly could be attributed to societal attitudes about women’s role in sex but greatly impacted by co morbid hormonal changes.”

        That meant exactly what you said about stigma.

        It is not just societal messages girls receive it is also somatic due to hormonal changes. Most girls experience adolescent depression during the early days of menarche that can last for years as menstrual periods are not yet regular and last for varying durations. Teen depression can often go undetected due to societal attitude about teen tantrums and mood swings. During this time greater number of teens commit suicide. South India is a world capital of teen suicides according to a WHO study.

        http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn4846-indian-teens-have-worlds-highest-suicide-rate.html

        Thanks for bearing me. I guess I spend more time on your blog than my GGTS.

        Peace,

        DG

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  4. Oh yes its child abuse, rape and pedophilia, apart from abuse of trust and God knows how many other such things.. …

    And yet the girls got murdered, the man walked free!

    I hate this situation

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  5. Some important questions arise in my mind.

    We talk of the freedom of girls, but isn’t this freedom dangerous for the girl in such a society where almost everyone is ready to abuse a girl, even the relatives.

    Me – InConvicible, freedom would have empowered her to boldly tell her parents what was happening. She would have not felt ashamed of something that was not her fault. Lack of freedom for the girl, made it possible for the man to exploit her in every way. He had all the freedom, she has none. Such predators know about these rules in our society.

    Now i somewhat even understand the fear of parents, how can they be sure that giving their daughter the freedom to live would not end up as a case of sexual abuse.

    Me – An abuser always looks for an easy victim – if the girl has freedom, confidence, boldness which comes from her parents’, family’s and society’s support – she is not an easy victim. In fact, just her parents’ support can be very empowering.

    Another question comes w.r.t. the definition of Child Abuse. What is child abuse? Is it having sex through any mean with a minor girl (less than 18 years old). But as the puberty age is going down and has reached around 10, what if tommorow a girl aged 15-16 expects freedom to have consensual sex. After all, this 18 year age barrier was set w.r.t. old age of puberty, which was around 15-16 years???

    Me – The legal age of consent is 15. And a 10 year old girl is still a child. Please do read my response to Bhagwad’s comment InConvicible.

    And…… after writing above, it also comes to my mind that how important is sex education.

    Suppose, a girl, aged 21, is having less and broken knowledge of sex, which might make it difficult for her to differentiate between sex and abuse. And we say, she’s having younger mental / emotional age w.r.t. the knowledge of sex, she’s a child in that context. Then if she goes for consensual sex, shouldn’t that be called as Child Abuse.

    Me – Sex education is always age appropriate InConvicible. Please read this post – https://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com/2009/04/19/sex-education-has-nothing-to-do-with-blue-films/

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    • > We talk of the freedom of girls, but isn’t this freedom dangerous for the girl in such a society where almost everyone is ready to abuse a girl, even the relatives.

      Even going by your sex-negative standard, isn’t lack of freedom MORE dangerous? When relatives and family friends are willing to abuse little girls, should we be making the girls feel like THEY did something wrong, that they should never tell anybody for fear of being called sluts?

      Instead, try freedom. Try talking to your kids about sex and sexuality freely. Try empowering them to have sex on *their* terms. Try taking the shame out of girls’ and women’s sexuality. Try creating an atmosphere where your kids are willing to tell you when they’re falling in love with a boy (or relative!). Try making it easy for them to be careful by using condoms and birth control when they choose to have sex. Try making it easy for them to come to you for help when they know something is wrong with their “relationship”.

      Try it, and see if the sky falls on your head. (Hint: it really, really won’t.)

      > how can they be sure that giving their daughter the freedom to live would not end up as a case of sexual abuse.

      They can be sure ONLY IF their daughter feels free and safe talking to them when she’s thinking about dating someone, or dating someone. Sexual predators thrive on their victim’s sense of shame. Take away the shame, and the predators cannot rely on the victim keeping her mouth shut.

      > What is child abuse? Is it having sex through any mean with a minor girl (less than 18 years old). But as the puberty age is going down and has reached around 10

      I utterly fail to see what puberty has to do with the age of consent. If that’s your case, then the age of consent for boys should be much higher, since they undergo puberty later, yes? … Oh wait, I forgot, it *is* in fact higher according to retarded Indian laws (IIRC women can get married at 18 but men have to wait till they’re 21). Well. That’s pretty stupid. Don’t you agree?

      > what if tommorow a girl aged 15-16 expects freedom to have consensual sex

      Why not, actually? As long as she’s having sex with someone close to her own age, I fail to see what the problem is. It’s when you have men twice or thrice her age conning her or raping her and calling it love that there is a problem. Which is why we need an arbirtrary cut off age when you call a person an adult… which is 18 in most places in the world.

      > After all, this 18 year age barrier was set w.r.t. old age of puberty, which was around 15-16 years???

      What? Where on earth are you getting this information?? The age of majority has very little to do with puberty. It’s mostly about determining *mental* development to the point where you can call someone an adult. You can quibble about the arbitrariness of choosing 18 as the magic number, but don’t say it has anything to do with puberty!

      > Suppose, a girl, aged 21, is having less and broken knowledge of sex, which might make it difficult for her to differentiate between sex and abuse. And we say, she’s having younger mental / emotional age w.r.t. the knowledge of sex, she’s a child in that context. Then if she goes for consensual sex, shouldn’t that be called as Child Abuse.

      That should indeed be called abuse (but not child abuse). And the way to fix that is to become “sex-positive” as a society: stop thinking of sex as dirty and shameful, start talking about healthy sex and healthy relationships and safe sex practices, stop telling women they are whores or sluts for feeling desire, stop telling men it’s OK to rape women, start embracing the role of sexuality in human lives.

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      • You answered it so well Nandini! On one hand we find it wrong that she should have consensual sex at 15, on the other we are fine with 10 as age of consent and even a relationship or marriage with am older man.

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      • Exactly Nandini. I can’t figure out why the hell parents can’t understand these 2 facts:
        1. Teenagers are going to experiment with their bodies no matter what you threaten them with. the key word being ‘their bodies’. It makes more sense to stop condemning and start talking with a view to keeping them safe.
        2. If you don’t talk with them you also might as well put out a banner saying, “Hey my kid knows zilch about her/his body and rights. Do what you want to her. I’ll blame and punish her/him for it.”

        Kids can understand this stuff. The talking needs to begin in early childhood. Had blogged about this before http://starsinmeyes.wordpress.com/2010/01/25/how-are-we-protecting-our-children/

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  6. This is almost like the second half of your previous post. Excellent point, perfectly made.

    Speaking of media whitewashing sexual assault, I can’t remember the last time I saw the word ‘rape’ in a newspaper. It’s always “the man allegendly had sex with the two-year-old girl”. No he didn’t. HE (allegedly) RAPED HER. Why can’t they bring themselves to say so??

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    • Nandini, after Aarushi Talwar murder, the media tried to show a girl who had just celebrated her 14th birthday,as having an ‘affair’ with her 45 year old servant. There was no such proof, but even if there was, the word to be used was ‘abused’ – we seem to live in a country that has no sense of any rights for children… or any understanding of their vulnerability. 😦

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  7. I feel a 13 year is not mature enough to understand the relationship..it is plain and simple rape..since the Man is Mature and he is simply using her…

    Society is definitely to blame and at first her parents cause she cannot confide in them…they should be her guardians.

    It is not shame at all cause the girl has no idea, she is been forced into a relation .. I feel upset and angry that we are not able to change the laws to protect children…the laws should be strict and justice swift and brutal for offenders.

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    • I agree. And I’ll never understand how people can blame the victim. That man took advantage of her.

      And using words like “illicit affair?” Goodness call for what it is, child abuse.

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  8. Again, IHM, one of your best posts, and very thought provoking!! There is definitely something wrong in a society that BLAMES the victim and endorses / justifies the actions of the perpetrator of the crime!!!

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  9. Sex does not have consequences if it is purely a physical act ( assuming that the physical consequences of disease, pregnancy and so on are not there). However, in our society it is rarely a purely physical act. People are socialized on the consequences so much that it takes years of deprogramming to get out of the guilt a no-ties attached sexual act leads to. And this is for most adults. For a teenager or someone younger it can be far more confusing. And detrimental specially if those consequences are related to honor and family and every other thing one can think of.
    Personally I think IHM, youngsters are not educated on sex because their elders do not know much about it either. How many people, and this is in elite educated circles, treat it as just another physical act, rather than something related to “morality”? Religion, society, all contribute to keeping it as an unnameable bugaboo (It was some Indian Minister of State who said that we cannot have sex education in schools as it is against our values). Why should we be surprised at the confusion regarding sex, relationships and the rest?

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    • I agree Allytude. Most boys learn about sex from porn and perhaps associate a woman’s unwillingness as ‘normaI’ and right, and moral, and these are the boys who think a girl who likes looking good is asking to be molested or raped, and if a woman appears to enjoy or want sex, she must be a prostitute (or slut/whore/ etc).
      A Khap supporter actually said, “Only prositutes choose their partners.” Do prostitutes have the comfort or luxury of choosing their own partners? And being able to choose one’s partner is wrong (for women)?
      I wrote this post in response to that comment where this minister thought porn or ‘blue films’ are sex education! You are so right, most Indians think sex education means watching porn…
      Blue Films are not Sex Education.https://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com/2009/04/19/sex-education-has-nothing-to-do-with-blue-films/

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  10. IHM, this is a sure case of child abuse and blackmailing. Wonder when people will change their mindset towards ‘saving marriage at all costs’. Here, in Singapore, I see that most girls are clear about their priorities after marriage. No nonsense taken from the husbands, period. But I still read about this small set of women who put up with bad marriages only because they need financial help and are not willing to have a broken family, lest their children get affected by this. I think in our home country too, this is mostly the case in many situations where women are abused, yet put up with such situations.

    The laws here are strict and sex with an underaged girl is considered offence and therefore the boy if he is not underaged is tried in the court. But IHM, sometimes, we may read about some underaged girls who have sex on their own accord and are aware of consequences, yet do not care and go ahead. In such cases, I dont see any child abuse. Some of these girls are from well-to-do families, see no domestic violence at home and yet indulge in such activities for the sake of fun. Such girls might constitute a minor percentage.

    I was horrified to read about the case of a 14 year old girl who gave birth to her child in her bathroom and left the newborn in the washing machine amidst the clothes. The mother found blood stains in the bathroom and these stains led her to the washing machine and she found the newborn. During the counselling, the girl agreed that she had sex with a boy who was also of the same age and that did so on their own accord. Now the baby has been given away for adoption. I shudder at the thought ‘what if someones had switched on the washing machine’?

    A bit of diversion from the point here, sorry.

    -Sandhya

    Like

    • @Sandhya

      …some underaged girls who have sex on their own accord and are aware of consequences, yet do not care and go ahead…

      1. There is something called peer pressure and low self esteem. Both work magic in pushing people to push their best judgments aside. Often teens risk taking, alcohol abuse, unsafe sex are resultant of peer pressure. Those who buckle into peer pressure exhibit low self esteem and do bucking to gain peer acceptance.

      2. The scenario you are mentioning is about lack of parental supervision. Parents failed in doing their other job called responsible parenting.

      Teens having sex with teens is another big problem because now babies are having babies. The big word around is pregnancy it happened to someone it can’t happen to me. Often teen boys force teen girls who are younger to them to have sex. There is no issue of consent here. All the mix messages media, schools, and peers are sending simultaneously confuse yongsters in thinking they are making a free consent. That is not the case.

      Me – Desigirl, in India teen pregnancy is not an issue, ‘premarital pregnancy at any age is a problem’. A fourteen year old married child can have children and nobody would raise an eye brow, but if an unmarried adult is pregnant – there is a show of concern. It seems we don’t care about a girl’s health or life, we care about our personal ideas of right or wrong. And if teens were guided well enough about contraception, this can be avoided.
      I blogged about it here, ‘Teenage Pregnancies – …not our culture.’
      https://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com/2010/01/27/teenage-pregnancies-%E2%80%93-not-our-culture%E2%80%A6/

      In California, the parents of the teen boy who got a girl pregnant were ordered to pay child support for the grandchild because they failed to monitor their minor ward. Such impositions are really required. Even when children fail to keep the weekday curfew imposed by law enforcement like 10pm for any child upto the age of 15 parents are held accountable.

      BTW Isn’t it the peer pressure that forces parents to hush up the sexual abuse of their daughters or sons even bad marriages are preserved in the name of family honor that is upheld by their peers??

      Peace,

      DG

      Like

      • I think the laws state that even if the girl has consensual sex, and if she is underage, it is still considered rape. And it should be. No adult has any business having sexual relations with a minor.

        Like

  11. about love,, ppl can fall in love at all ages.. we cant comment unless we know exactly what happened… being a minor is not an excuse.. things like this happen..

    Like

    • @Maya,

      Yeh, you are right people can fall in love at all ages. As a five years old kids can fall in love with anyone who brings them a toy. At eight it was two cup cakes and ice creame for me. At 11 it was phantom comics. At 14 it was for anyone who supported me or talked to me nicely after my dad had wringed my ears for talking back. At 24 it was for someone who told me I was awesome 🙂 .

      There is a difference between love and infatuation and more over puppy love.

      So what do you mean by … being a minor is not an excuse.. things like this happen..

      Peace,

      DG

      Like

  12. U know our biggest problem… we dont want to talk to our kids about child sexual abuse… we just turn a blind eye to it…. think it cant happen to our kids and even if god forbid they come and tell us about it we tell me it must be their fault

    just not right

    Like

  13. In my mind, there’s no doubt – this is child abuse – simple. As for girls feeling empowered enough to talk to their families about boys, sex or abuse – bah. I don’t see it happening for a long time in this repressed society of ours.

    Like

  14. Do you think that these incidents/happenings would be more prevalent in the lower strata of the society, where talking about sex education in families is more taboo than in other sections of the society??

    Like

  15. Pingback: Tweets that mention It’s child abuse, not an ‘affair’. « The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker -- Topsy.com

  16. oh my goodness! This is terrible!
    It’s rape.. not an affair!
    We need to teach our children the meaning of the word NO and that movies aren’t waht life is all about!!
    13, 14 is a dangerous age to be in – boy or girl! So, its the parents responsibility to teach them, to trust them and to take care of them during that age. We need to make sure that we give them enough confidence that thay can come and talk to us regarding anything and everything without the fear of being punished.
    The woman of the house needs to be treated with respect. only then, will children learn to respect themselves and their parents and women in general.

    Like

  17. A child always imbibes from what happens around. If , like you said, she sees torment and beating up, in her surroundings, she thinks that it is perfectly normal. And in such a young age, she really doesn’t know what is right and where love changes to lust and then to rape. I wish we would educate our young girls to belive that we have the right to say No…and that a NO is a right, a right for her to go to court if her body is violated.

    Like

    • Can you imagine what would have happened Sindhu if shse had told her mother what happened the first time, she felt uncomfortable? It’s even possible that she thought this was love, and was confused about how to feel about it – guilt, confused, fear??? If somebody had talked to her – even school teachers, she would have known what was happening.

      Girls should also be told they need to feel no shame – even if they consented, they were too young to know what they were doing.

      Like

  18. This is one of your best post, IHM!

    Like you and many others have said here, we should stop thinking of talking about sex to our children is taboo. The sons in our family also should know about the problems, our girls/women face.

    A few years back I was suffering from heavy bleeding continuously (menopause problems) and it was very difficult for me to even walk properly. I was doing minimal cooking and my son was pestering me what was wrong and one day I slowly told him about my problem. After that day, his attitude towards me changed completely…he started doing so much work at home. He was always looking at my face keenly to know if I am in pain

    …my husband was not able to believe that my son knows about my problem in detail.

    I think we have to be open with our boys at home of they don’t have sisters too, about what changes happen in women’s body and how much pain and discomfort they bear. Their attitude against women might become softer. Might think twice before abusing them, even after marriage.

    As many of them here have written, we have to be open with our children about everything in this age because they ‘learn’ these things in a wrong way, because of our electronic and print media. Whenever we switch on the TV, we see film songs with dirty movements (see I am reluctant to use the word, pelvic thrust), magazine covers with nude female s(even for a mobile ad.) or male female photos. The young blooded children and perverts are made to think about sex, 24 hours a day.

    Who is to blame, god knows. The affected party will always be woman/girl child.

    Like

    • You made me teary eyed Sandhya. I agree with you completely. Children should hear and learn from us. Your son was amazing!!! I always say mothers have so much in their power, we can change the thinking of a coming generation. Hugs, IHM

      Like

      • Thank you, IHM! I was always worried that since my sons don’t have sisters, they will not know the problems, girls face, though many of my nieces come home and stay with us often. One of my niece, sister-in-law’s daughter, has got a child and she had been staying with us often since the baby was a month old and he is used to handling the baby also! The baby is two and a half years old now and she is crazy about her mama!

        Me – I feel when you are so conscious of these things, as a mother Sandhya, there was no way they could be insensitive or indifferent 🙂 I hope to achieve the same with my son 🙂

        Like

    • Oh Sandhya you made me well up too. You did the right thing by sharing your pain with your son. Your son is a beautiful person, Sandhya for being so sensitive and understanding towards his mother.

      “we have to be open with our children about everything in this age because they ‘learn’ these things in a wrong way” Totally agree with you. An open talk with your children will help a great deal in making him understand the harsh truths of life.

      Like

  19. IHM

    I wrote around 1 page in expressing my reply, but after reading your post to which you have given the link, I deleted it all and now I reply as below:

    Important thing: Me asking questions like “Isn’t freedom dangerous” does not signifies that I am against freedom. I support fully, and individual’s independence and freedom. But here, while asking this question, my idea originated out of fear for those who suffer. My idea was to go a step further and find some “eligibility criteria” to be granted “freedom” and the “scope” of freedom.

    I feel discussing anything should be directed towards a solution, not towards cornering and proving the wrongness of someone or a fact.

    Coming to the solution part, I already know that the communication would be the best thing. But try giving a thought to its implementation in society.

    Do we really communicate? I feel only 5% people know the importance of open communication in country, and sadly, I don’t expect this rate to improve in near future. So the solution by communication, is though theoretically is very helpful, but its implementation is very very difficult.

    As far as the freedom is concerned, I would still maintain that there are some things which need to be ensured before granting freedom, because we get hurt when our near ones get hurt. I remember a case which I read on a blog (that blog is deleted now). It was by the friend of a victim. It was about a girl who was having a boy friend, about which she had told her parents. But Sex is not something about which one decides, and informs, and goes for. She was less than 18. She decided to do it one day with her boyfriend. But after they were over, two more friends of the boy came, and turn by turn, had sex with the girl. But the girl could not protest at the moment. She didn’t tell about it to anyone except her friend.

    Me – This is one reason why every child needs to be educated and empowered to come to the parent with any problem. I have quoted a similar case in Jalgaon, Maharashtra, where they also took pictures of the girl to blackmail them.
    How did such a thing happen? If these teenagers trusted their parents,
    1. Both the sets of parents would have known who their child was going out with.
    2. The boy would have known that the parents were in picture and
    3. The parents would also know where the children were
    4. The parents would know what kind of friends their son had.
    5. Both would know what they could and couldn’t do. The boy here would have known the difference between consensual sex and rape.

    EDUCATION is a pre requisite for complete FREEDOM.
    And that education is very intelligently described by you in your post “sex-education-has-nothing-to-do-with-blue-films” Congrats!!
    Me – Oh I just read this line! Thank You InConvincible. 🙂

    NANDINI
    Read above reply for your solution by communication.

    As far as the age, puberty, and sex are concerned, there are medically proven biological and psychological disadvantages of early age sex.

    I am against COMPLETE FREEDOM.
    Because I know when I was a child, I was denied many things by my parents which were possible. Now I respect them for those imposing those LIMITS.

    Like

    • @ InConvicible

      There is nothing called COMPLETE FREEDOM. Freedom comes with responsibility for self and others. Just because someone has complete freedom so they can blow away a bridge is a fallacy so is about sexuality. One cannot go out and infect others with STDs because they have complete freedom to have sex with who ever and when ever they want. Your freedom ends where mine begins. So there is a very distinct line. For collective freedom lots of hard work is required. hard work is required even to maintain any freedom.

      How children learn about responsible sexuality is the job of parents not schools or media, they come later. It all begins at home…

      Peace,

      DG

      Like

  20. “I wonder if there isn’t something very basically wrong with a society that works so hard towards empowering the abuser so blatantly.” There is, IHM. The basic mentality of our society is wrong. A girl is raped and the instant reaction of our people is that the girl would have asked for it. Or just blame it on her way of dressing. How ridiculous is that? The society still considers talking about sex is ‘sin’. In such a surrounding how can a girl or any child feel free enough to voice her concerns?

    I totally echo what Sindhu said- a child imbibes from what happens around. And that starts from his/her home. If the child grows up in a surrounding he/she is encouraged to communicate freely with his parents, share his concerns and problems then I feel half the problem will be solved.

    open-communication should be an integral part of every household.

    Like

  21. There are two things here that are being debated as if they’re one.

    1. There is the question about educating the child and letting him / her know that it is their parents who he / she has to go to if they are abused.

    2. There is the question about when is it ok to have sex and with whom?

    I’m sorry but it doesn’t necessarily follow that if you educate your child, he / she who is a 15 year old gets enough sense to know whether he/she should be sleeping with someone. Absolutely not. It is such extreme opinions that usually scare away the mild liberals as well.

    Have you guys not heard of a middle path – of moderation – of the evils of excesses.

    Me – Rakesh, I feel guiding and providing information is necessary, tell them how you feel and why, what your worries and fears are – honestly. Lying and moralising is dangerous, you might lose their trust… which is what happens all over India. Parents are so obsessed with being able to trust their children that they don’t realise even they benefit from winning the children’s trust.

    Somewhere IHM, you say that

    “if the relationship is like Juno, I’m ok with it.”

    This is not an ideal world IHM where love conquers all. Pregnancies when the children are not really ready can happen no matter how much you teach them about safe sex. And so could STDs. In case of a torn condom or a rush of hormones, do you think a 15 year old will be able to mother a child? And will the child get the life he/she deserves? Forget about social stigma (which may be evil) what about the financial security of the child and the boy and girl involved?

    Me – Rakesh, given a choice between a young person and an older person and two teenagers of same age, I prefer two teenagers because I think an older person in relationship is likely to have some kind of power over the younger one.
    I also feel we need to acknowledge that teenagers do have sex, why not guide them well, win their trust, arm them with information and hope for the best?
    And social stigma is an evil – I feel we should avoid basing any important decisions based on social stigma.

    Is this really the society that we want? Whatever you say, i’d never and can never encourage the prospect of my 14 or 15 year old son or daughter sleeping with anyone regardless of same age or different age.

    I’d definitely try to use any form or sort of explanation to make them understand that sex before maturity is bad. I’d even make up stories or even take support from religious texts even if I’m an aethist. And no, I won’t let them decide when they are mature. Definitely not at 14 or 15. Yes, I may lie but whatever you tell me, I don’t think that lie is going to harm the kids more than the power of having sex at such a young age would.

    @Nandini: You say in response to what if 15 or 16 year olds think it is ok to have consensual sex,

    “Why not, actually? As long as she’s having sex with someone close to her own age, I fail to see what the problem is. It’s when you have men twice or thrice her age conning her or raping her and calling it love that there is a problem.”

    Why go the extreme? Nobody argues that if men twice or thrice her age conn her it is wrong but the solution isn’t to let her have sex with her own age group.

    And how do you know that if you teach her that having sex with your own age group is ok, she will not take this as a basis and come back to you with an argument that what has age got to do with love. We know how imaginative and strong headed ‘Teens’ are. Then we go back to the question that Bhagwad Jal Park (BJP) raises above ie. – What is the problem if a 15 year old loves a 21 year old? And honestly, by plain logic, as he said – Not all men are jerks, this is a very winnable debate as well.

    Where do we stop?

    Seriously, there is no debating that we need to educate, we need to have tougher laws for the abuser to feel scared, we need to as a society, protect a victim rather than blame him / her. But consensual sex between teenagers is definitely not the answer. I don’t know how such logic gets pushed around.

    Just let me know, Honestly, how many mothers would be ok with the knowledge that their 15 year old daughter is having sex with her boyfriend from school right now in her room? And we all know how short lived, love at this stage of life is. So you also have to expect that there could be another boyfriend next year or maybe next semester.

    Me – If the choice is between them kissing (or more) in their own homes, or some lonely park/seedy hotel etc where some policeman or hooligans might stab one and rape the other, what would you choose? Who are all those people we read about in the news everyday ? Do their parents know where they are? Do you believe the parents in such cases were liberal and never used religion, honor etc to advice them against it? Why live in denial and put them in danger (and I can’t accept that these things happen only to other people).

    I even feel when there are no challenges, the interest in experimenting wanes considerably, but my bigger concern would be to know the children have us by their side if they are hurt (which they would be sometimes), to know who they are going out with and ensuring they are aware of all kinds of risks…

    Take a look, it seems a larger number of parents feel this way – http://www.thehindu.com/news/national/article490611.ece (Thanks Starry.)

    Like

    • Just to add this comment is more on the comments rather than on the post.

      On the post, most will agree that it seems to be a case of abuse not only because of the unequal age but also because of the hitting and the blackmailing going on. So no question there.

      Like

    • Rakesh a lot of parents would agree that they would be more comfortable if their children did not have sex as teenagers but it does not happen. Why not prepare the child to handle it when it happens and also why not create a relationship where they can come and tell you if there is something to tell.

      Not all teenagers who know they would not be condemned if they did choose, would choose to have sex. But the decision, whether we permit or we don’t would remain theirs. We can only choose to know or not to know about it.

      Like

    • ‘i’d never and can never encourage the prospect of my 14 or 15 year old son or daughter sleeping with anyone regardless of same age or different age’
      Rakesh: Teens may go ahead and do it even if forbidden or discouraged. What makes you think adolescents obey their parents’ diktats? As IHM says, the question is whether you come to know about it or not, by which time it may be too late.

      ‘how many mothers would be ok with the knowledge that their 15 year old daughter is having sex with her boyfriend from school right now in her room’
      Very few mothers would be okay with the knowledge. But what would be better if those very mothers (and fathers) had sat down regularly and talked about the facts of life, the subtleties of relationships, the ways to stay safe and what to do and whom to approach for help in case of trouble.

      Also good parents know much of what their kids are doing, who their friends are and keep in touch with even friends they don’t like. As one of my older woman friends tells me, there’s nothing that will turn off your daughter from an annoying boyfriend more than knowing her parents approve of him and talk with him A LOT! 😀

      The moment we start out from the position “They may experiment with it anyway”, the kind of talking we need to do becomes clear.

      Like

    • Rakesh, I don’t think IHm is condoning sex at a young age. I think what she is trying to say is more along the lines of, ‘they’re going to try it out, experiment, discover for themselves. We might as well hand them the instruction booklet and safety gear.’
      You feel that even if you educate your child, he or she, at 15 most probably won’t ‘have enough sense to know whether to sleep around or not. I disagree.
      I come from a family where my parents believed that if the pros and cons of a situation were presented and explained to us, we could be trusted to make sensible decisions.
      I’m 19. I know there is no ‘haaw-ji! you can’t talk about saax and all” in our family. And if I do choose to have a ‘relationship’ i know my parents won’t have any issues. As long as i’m happy and I know what i’m doing, it’s cool.
      I feel that if parents tell their kids something like ‘Look, i’m here today, alive, ready to provide financial and emotional support to you no matter what. But one day I won’t be here any more. You’ll have to support yourself and maybe even your partner. And you’ll need someone to support and love you back. Take the right decisions. Always be aware of what you’re doing, and know that you’ll be the one facing the repercussions.” there will be no problems (barring exceptions)

      When IHM says:
      “if the relationship is like Juno, I’m ok with it.” what she probably means is, that the girl had sex with someone her own age, she was emotionally mature and and had parents who loved her, and supported her. And she found someone willing to adopt her baby.
      But most importantly, with reference to the article, she had sex with someone her own age and it was not an abusive relationship.

      ****This is not an ideal world IHM where love conquers all. Pregnancies when the children are not really ready can happen no matter how much you teach them about safe sex. And so could STDs. In case of a torn condom or a rush of hormones, do you think a 15 year old will be able to mother a child? And will the child get the life he/she deserves? Forget about social stigma (which may be evil) what about the financial security of the child and the boy and girl involved?****

      Well, if all parents educated their kids and talked to them with logic and rationale instead of moralising and ‘putting the fear of god in them’ then, most kids would well know where to draw the line in their relationships.
      Of course you wouldn’t encourage your kid to sleep with someone their own age. But tell me this, if you felt it was anyway going to happen (even if you locked your kid in a tower on top of a mountain) would you rather send the child into the unknown with a flashlight and a map, or without.
      When they are this young, there are already so many changes happening in their bodies and minds, it’s difficult to cope. A sexual relationship would add on to the already present difficulties, and they might not know how to cope. Being that emotionally dependent on someone you’re not sure is going to be there in the next 2 years can make a kid vulnerable.

      At the same time, I do feel, that instead of lying to the child or scaring him/her (and maybe spreading false information on the the next generation) simply explaining your worries and fears and giving advise would solve the problem.

      Like

  22. That is such sad condition, IHM. How on earth can they term it an ‘affair’? It beats me. It is so clearly child abuse.The poor child had no say.

    And as was mentioned in other comments as well, freedom and sex education makes so much of a difference. If a child knows that she can approach her parents and talk freely about anything troubling her, this sort of thing can never happen. Abusers of this sort, are bullies, who pick on weaker people. They approach only those who they know will not protest.

    I have read books in which fathers abuse their own daughters. When the daughters complain to their mother, they get accused of ‘stealing’ their mother’s husband! In an environment, where a child is not listened to, where she has no say, this sort of thing is bound to happen. They might even blame her for ‘seducing’ the man.. Only if parents understand and treat children like individuals, and give them the freedom to talk, respect them, can this sort of thing be stopped..

    Like

  23. The GIRL gets killed for this??? 😯
    Sad 😦 Lack of education and awareness…

    Kids at this age should be counselled on the right and wrong of things. They are at an impressionable age where their bodies and minds are undergoing various changes. Beating them black and blue is only going to make it 100 times worse 😐

    Like

  24. Pingback: Sex Education has nothing to do with Blue Films. « The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  25. Today morning paper gave me this news and I immediately thot of your post yday.
    http://www.thehindu.com/todays-paper/article491170.ece

    And when I was about to search for the link, I found this recent one, updated just half an hour back.
    http://www.thehindu.com/news/national/article492103.ece

    Are these girls having an affair ???? No, Its sexual abuse and how can the mother be so cruel to kill her ???? I am shocked at the frequency of these happenings.

    Me – Uma what kind of society are we living in? I think the parents just can’t handle the situation – they have no sense of guilt, all they see is ‘what would people say’ – and the only way they have ever handled any emotion is with violence, so they use violence…
    These two cases are horrifying. 😦

    Like

  26. Gosh this is so sad. Sometimes I think I am going to be a terribly paranoid parent. Girl or boy, I am not going to let my child be with anyone else without mine or my husband’s supervision. Is that bad?

    Like

    • Shilpa, I felt the same way when my kids were younger, as they grow older we realise they have to learn to live on their own, we can’t be with them everywhere, and forever 😦 Then our concern makes us prepare them to face the world on their own. It takes a lot of courage to let your child learn to live without your constant supervision… but see, parents all over the world are doing it 🙂

      Like

  27. it is more than 100% rape and the man needs to have his balls burnt. I remember talking about child abuse to my aunt once and I was glad that she passed on the message to others. because when one such incident popped up,the girl promptly told her parents and that was taken care of.

    We need to have teachers talk about this in schools and also show them in pictures.Parents need to listen to their kids often,when i mean listen the kid does not have to open his/her mouth.There are so many symptoms in this case and Parents too need to get educated in this area.

    Thanks a lot for blogging on this,I think i will do the same very soon 🙂

    Like

  28. Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Pooja Mehta and I am the Administrative Director for a newly formed nonprofit called the Let Go…Let Peace Come In Foundation. Our mission at LGLPCI is to help heal and support adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse worldwide. We are actively seeking adult survivors who would be willing to post their childhood photo & caption, their story, or their creative expressions to our website http://www.letgoletpeacecomein.org. By uniting survivors from around the globe we hope to provide a stronger and more powerful voice to those survivors who have not yet found the courage to speak out or have been cast aside with disbelief.

    I am writing to you today to ask you to please consider sharing our website with survivors you may come in contact with. Worldwide there are more than 100 million adult survivors living with the effects of childhood sexual abuse today. It is through the support of courageous advocates like you that we will succeed in our effort to help one survivor at a time. Our organization offers survivors a safe and judgment-free place where they can tell their story and continue their healing process. We realize that customs differ from culture to culture and we offer to post any stories anonymously, if the survivors so desires. Please check out our youtube video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4PDC03Gl2k. If you have any questions please feel free to e-mail me directly at pm@letgoletpeacecomein.org. Together we can; together we should; together we NEED to stand up and be counted.

    Warmest Regards,
    Pooja Mehta
    Administrative Director
    Let Go…Let Peace Come In Foundation
    111 Presidential Blvd., Suite 212
    Bala Cynwyd, PA 19004

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  29. I’ve had the pleasure of reviewing “The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker” and I’m pleased to inform you that your blog has been added to Blogging Women.

    Thank you for sharing your blog with me and now the many readers of our blog directory.

    Keep up the great work and I’m looking forward to your future post.

    Like

  30. In our society, a girl merely voicing the plight she’s been put to, especially if they have sexual connotations, is enough to bring shame up on her.

    Girls/women who travel bu bus a lot would have many stories to say. Once, in a bus, I saw a guy ogling at a girl standing net to me, from a few seats ahead, and then slowly incing towards her. I noticed that the girl also saw this, and was trying to move further away. But when he got too close, I realised he’d have his share of fun, and the girl would be silent.
    i kicked up a hue and cry and literally abused him, asking him to go stand wherevr he was. I was initially shocked to hear “aunties” advising me to be quiet. “Aren’t you ashamed to make such things public?”, they asked me. I gave it to them too 😀

    While I made sure people thought I was complaining for myself (and not for the actual victim), I ensured the guy was ousted from the bus immediately. I got a look of silent gratitude from the girl. But I wonder if she ever took courage in future.

    When the people who should be supporting your case turns against you, asking if you aren’t ashamed for what you’re doing, I feel there’s no hope left! We’ll always go on victimising and abusing the same person!!

    Me – OMG!! You were amazing Scorpria!! You can write a post about this and submit it on ‘Blank Noise’ (a blog – against ‘street sexual harassment of women’, euphemistically called – ‘eve teasing’). You were so courageous!! Hugs!!

    I feel really, really sad and disheartened when women behave like the women in that bus… I wish we were taught about courage instead of being taught about being obedient and ‘please adjust’ in our homes 😦

    These are the kind of people who feel there is no hope and nothing can change – they can’t see how much is changing for those who have been bold and have made a difference in their own lives and also in the lives of people around them… imagine the kind of lives their daughters must live… How do they justify such attitudes to their own conscience?

    Like

  31. sex education was and is the need of every young male and female.
    having sex is not crime before marriage or after marriage with partner or someone else than partner,
    important is honesty and communication between couple.
    this is just the way of religion and society created by male to control females.

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  32. Pingback: Child Abuse Early Signs « Writings of an Amused Soul

  33. true!! we need to think about the bigger picture and guide our children to understand whats right and whats wrong even if it involves speaking about so called taboo subjects.

    And the society’s belief of saving a marriage at all costs really gets to me.

    Like

  34. Pingback: ‘This is not America’, court tells married man in live-in relationship. « The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  35. Pingback: ‘Bill seeks to let 12-yr-olds have non-penetrative sex’. Does it really? « The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  36. This is an old topic, but I agree that a 13-14 isn’t mature enough to consent. Okay, many 13 year olds start to become curious about sex and have sexual feelings. Yet, this does not make it okay for adults to have sex with kids. I wish adults knew how much damage they’re doing to a young child’s/teeanger’s sexual development. Leave the kids alone.

    Me – I agree.

    Like

    • Adults need to respect the legal age of consent. It’s mandated for a reason. A girl can be physically mature much before she is mentally prepared to deal with the rest of adulthood. Thanks for adding this post to our effort, IHM.

      Like

  37. Pingback: Those charged with our safety should have a true understanding of what it is to be a survivor of sexual assault — slut or otherwise. « The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  38. Pingback: To Sum It Up – 16 « CSA Awareness Month

  39. Pingback: Emotion of love and affection compelled the convict. ‘Love not a crime’, says Delhi Court. « The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  40. Pingback: “The rape victim had gone there willingly. She was not lured into it. They drank vodka.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  41. Pingback: Who benefits from criminalizing consensual teenage sex? | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  42. Pingback: “…if this thing comes out my husband will think my wife is after all not that ‘pure’ or is not that ‘untouched flower’” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  43. Pingback: So what is a ‘Legitimate Rape’? Love this! | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  44. Pingback: What exactly do those who object to Sex Education think Sex Education is? | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

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